Original subtitles

Crazy down here, get the client in the limo.

You look fantastic.

Do you want a tie -ball? I have six kids, that'll give you a workout.

The eagle has landed. Hey, no, it's great to see you. Val, we're blocked in.

Something's the matter?

Marie, Marie, it's me.

Marie,

it's me, Tito Osmond, your brother.

We can do a new show. I can dance. You and Tommy can sing. We can...

Valerie Irons? Valerie Irons? You were my heart to protect her.

All right.

That's my family. Wait a second. Those are my sisters.

They're not still blocked.

Get on the bike.

Where did you learn to ride like that?

A third time's a charm.

You guys don't understand. I got my lucky punch. I'm not a bodyguard. But we

are. You'll just be a figurehead. A name on the door. You'll probably never even

leave the office.

You'll help us pull in the rich and famous.

We'll do the rest. We're professionals.

We'll take care of all the tough stuff.

So I'll never be in any danger?

Never. Never?

Never.

I'm not going to show anybody. I'll never hear the end of this.

Let's hear it for the lip locker.

You guys are pretty cute together.

Could we just drop it, please?

Anybody with half a brain would believe this stuff.

Anyway.

Valerie Irons of Protection.

Yes?

Really?

Okay. What voice do you do on the Biker Mike from Mars cartoon show?

That's it. Vinny.

Oh, my gosh. It really is you.

Okay. What's up?

I think I'm going to die. This is Ian Searing from 90210.

Yes, I'm here, Ian. Sorry.

That sounds awful.

Uh -huh.

Okay. Got it.

Whoa.

Well, what did he want?

Oh, right.

He says he's afraid to go home, wants us to meet him in Palisades Park, needs

our help. He's pretty sure his life is in danger.

Poor Ian.

He sounded so distressed.

You can just stay here and relax, Kay.

No. No, no, no, no, no. I am so sorry. But 90210 is more than just a TV show.

speaks to me.

Ian... Pretty blonde curls give me the shivers. You have to let me go with you.

I love 90210.

You know, I'll stay here and guard the fort. You know, that guy never really

anything for me anyway. I always liked the dark -haired guy with the sideburns.

Really? Which one?

The cute one with the sideburns. There are a lot of them.

Brandon, Dylan, David.

Okay, hello. You can go with us, okay?

Oh, that is so cool.

Where is this guy?

I'm not even sure what he looks like.

Don't you worry.

I can't get Ian's broad shoulders and big smile out of my mind.

There he is.

Rick Williams.

Hello.

Hello, Mrs. Aaron. We're VIP.

Oh, okay.

Where's Valerie Irons?

Neiman Marcus.

Neiman Marcus.

Val's actually... On special assignment with Vice President Gore.

He's a very big shopper.

Wow, she's amazing.

Who might you be?

I'm Miss Iron's associate, Kay Thymond.

Thymond.

That's nice to meet you.

You said you feared for your life, Mr. Thymond.

Could you give us some more details?

Well, yeah, this whole week's been a nightmare.

This guy's been stalking me, and he won't give it up.

This morning, he broke into my house and stole some of my clothes.

Which ones?

Do you have any idea who it is?

Yeah, I've got a picture of him.

He's a photographer.

About his close personal friend, Chip LeShane.

You know this guy?

Yeah, well, let's just say we've had a few run -ins with this nutcase before.

Then you know how relentless he can be.

All too well.

Find his car, take a benzoyl peroxide bomb up his tailpipe.

Our job is to protect Mr. Ziering.

We'll let the police handle LeShane.

I called the police this morning. They couldn't find him.

That's when I decided I needed professional help. Look, this is our

shut down the obnoxious goon for good.

Nick's got a point, Tosh.

There's one other thing.

I've got to be there when you catch him.

That's much too dangerous, Mr. Zarin.

No, my therapist... I have a therapist.

My therapist thinks I should confront my fears head on, in person. Sure you can

come.

Is that a problem?

I'm calling up the trained agent.

Do you think it's too much?

Oh, no, it's you, all right.

Yes, hi. I'm interested in booking Kip Lashane to photograph my party this

evening. Four hours, $10 ,000.

Yes,

I see.

Thanks anyway.

Mr. Lashane is on special assignment.

Unreachable for 48 hours. Probably on some big stakeout.

Trace his credit card on TRW.

Four pizzas from Domino's in the last 36 hours.

Dial them up. I'll handle it.

Domino's Pizza.

Yeah. Yeah, this is Kipler Shane.

As in the Kipler Shane who ordered four pies from you in the last 36 hours? Oh,

yeah, right.

Yeah, well, I thought that put me in your high roller club. I sure as hell

expected better treatment.

Where's my pie?

Well, if it's not here in five minutes, I want it for free.

Okay. All right, smart guy. You can confirm the address if you want.

Uh -huh. Uh -huh.

The grass, you know, next to the handicapped parking space on the corner

and Pacific.

Hey, that's right near the Venice boardwalk.

Be a good girl, okay?

I will.

No one gets in, no one gets out.

So tell me, Ian.

Yes? Who gets more fan mail, you or Jason Priestley? It's not really a

competition.

But if you have to know, me.

I knew it.

Which was your favorite episode?

Ah, the one I worked with Milton Berle.

The one about Alzheimer's that was so moving, and you were great.

Thanks, Kay.

Is it true you're married to a centerfold?

Yep.

Happily? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

So it's not one of those arranged Hollywood marriages?

Take me, take me back to your clean and sandy shore.

Take the wreck of water back and this time I won't

get bored. You I adore.

That's great.

Well, if it isn't the illustrious VIP.

You need to talk, Weasel.

I'm sensing some hostility in your voice.

You're going to send some hostility in your face if you don't get out of there.

All right.

All right, all right, all right. Let me just get my stuff over here, okay?

Okay. And then we... Cut him off the boardwalk.

Of all the girls you've kissed on the show, who was your favorite?

I'd have to say Heather Locklear.

What?

Heather Locklear?

Yeah, you know, she plays Kelly, my ex -girlfriend on the show.

She's some kisser. Ian, don't you mean Ginny Garth?

Heather Locklear is on Melrose Plate.

Are you feeling okay?

Maybe I should turn on the air conditioning.

I always get those two confused.

Ian Searing?

What are you doing here?

As long as you're here, I might as well shoot you.

You know I was thinking the same thing.

Ian!

You're not going anywhere.

Get the safe! I'll get Searing!

Will you let me go? I didn't do anything.

Skip it, Lashane.

Hey, are you all right?

What happened?

A client wigged out. Did you say something to set him off?

All I remember is that Ian thinks he killed Heather Locklear.

Hey, guys, look what I found.

Whoever tried to kill Lashane was some kind of master of disguise.

Oh, darling, very sweet of you.

I always treat my women well before I say goodbye.

Why is camera boy still alive?

Lashane hired Valerie Irons' protection, and that... Jesus, excuses make my

flowers wilt.

The feds think I'm dead.

I paid you to keep it that way.

You paid half of the money.

Still want...

By midnight.

Don't disappoint me again.

While these flowers mock your grave.

It's a pretty dress.

Thank you, darling.

These idiots just saved your butt.

I can't believe you guys brought this slimeball here.

Can we just kill him now?

Will you listen to me? There have been three attempts on my life in the last

weeks. Four, counting what G .I. Jane just said. By the way, I don't

your attitude, because I'm thinking about hiring you guys.

Dream on.

Come on, my life's in danger. I need you.

You can't afford us.

I think you'd be surprised how much I made off those pictures of you.

I think this is a great case.

We should take him on.

Guy's got a genuine beef.

Whatever.

All right, Lashane.

You got it.

So, who'd want to kill you?

And this fine piece of photography is UCLA's star quarterback with the dean's

wife.

Oh, and here, a true Kodak moment.

FBI agent stealing drugs from an evidence locker. I'd hide out in a

to get that one.

Should have stayed in it.

Val, there's some more of you.

Hey, hey, I own those. No, you don't.

Space it, Lachey. Who wouldn't want you dead?

Besides you guys?

I don't know.

I'm surprised the aroma in here hasn't killed you.

What is it, that ozone car freshener stuff?

Ooh, new cologne.

We need to stash Lachey somewhere safe.

How about back at the penthouse?

You know, Maxine has relatives over.

It's not a good time.

There's a lot of people there. I thought you said Maxine went down to Tijuana

with some friends.

Thanks. Who could babysit Lashane while everyone else is out following me?

Okay, the pool is off limits and absolutely no smoking.

Oh, don't go near my silverware.

And only use styrofoam cups.

Oh, and don't go near my new cappuccino maker.

And if you have to go to the bathroom, Just hold it.

Is that all, warden?

Oh, you know, if you really want to make me happy, you can just stay in that

chair all day.

Yeah, right.

That is the most uncomfortable piece of furniture ever. My butt is like falling

asleep. I'll have you know that that is the Charles Ames chair.

And he's dead.

Oh, I'm impressed.

How about that table? Is that real for Micah?

It's walnut.

What is that on my desk anyway?

That's my portfolio.

Something like this could be shot by someone like you.

Yeah, yeah, see, that's just it. I'm very misunderstood.

This is beautiful.

I mean, so breathtaking.

Yes, every picture tells a story. I backpacked eight days through four feet

snow. I had to fend off a mountain lion with my bare hands.

I ran out of food.

I had to eat frozen bugs and tree bark.

I lost a toe to frostbite, too.

Well, look at the picture. It's all worth it, don't you think? Just to get

shot.

Tom Carball, National Geographic?

Yeah, see, those are the pictures that I would have taken if I wasn't busy

making a living.

Oh, can't a guy try to look like he has a sensitive side?

Can we still make out?

Quick. I'll quiet on the western front.

Cool. We'll be over the switch with you soon.

So, is the suspect talking yet?

I checked that mask out.

It's made from some kind of polymer.

It's very slick, though.

So I guess you'll tell me when you're ready.

There's something about this.

I'm just not sure.

So what's the scoop on Tarver's spelling?

Get down!

Will you not take cover?

7 .62 Russian caliber, just like I thought.

Don't bother, he's already gone.

How do you know the shooter's a he?

He's a former KGB assassin, known as the Owl.

Who?

Exactly. And there's something else.

He's my ex -husband.

Okay. Are you sure that no one followed you?

We entered through a secret passageway.

Chill, rat boy. We're professional.

I can't believe you married this owl guy twice.

He's a master of disguise.

That's no excuse.

Including me, there's only four people that know what he looks like. One is in

Siberian prison, the other's on life support in Berlin, and the third had his

tongue and his eyes cut out.

You're lucky you only got a divorce.

Okay, look, I hired you people to protect me, not coordinate weddings.

Why would someone hire the world's deadliest assassin to kill you?

You're a total parasite.

For once, Val, I agree with you. As a contracted target, you are an insult to

the Assassin's Guild.

You were in the Assassin's Guild?

Maybe.

You exploit people for profit, Lashane. You're dirtier than dirt.

Oh, I am not a parasite, okay? I give the American people what they want to

Check out my takes for the last few weeks, okay? I got Lewinsky drinking

water fountain.

I got some senator getting all hot and heavy with some stripper. And I pick up

some mobster sniffing a rose in his little private garden.

And the Laker girls showering. Laker girls. Laker girls. Let me check it out.

There's only one mobster with a green thumb.

But he was blown up in his car right before the feds threw the book at him.

Haven't we never seen these photos?

It's shots from my car camera.

That's him. Frank Scornavaco.

You took these pictures two weeks ago.

Yep.

I got a picture of a guy who's not even alive.

Who's the parasite now?

Look it, moron. This is the guy that wants you dead.

Oh.

That's who hired the owl.

We better get to him before he finds us. You will never find him.

It would be a hundred times easier to find Scornabaca.

Yeah, well, Nicky and I hit up our street contacts.

I'll check out Glendale.

What, I gotta stay here with him?

Do you have any street contacts?

No.

Do you know how to get to Glendale?

No. All righty, then.

So great about Glendale.

My colleagues would kill me if they knew I was here.

Couldn't you just nap their little neck and be done with it?

Darling, couldn't we just skip the foreplay?

I've been waiting for this moment.

Stand if you ask me to Eat

another breath I'd breathe

I'd breathe for you If you asked me to

Pop your trunk. I need my briefcase. Not going in alone.

Cool. You gonna crack some skulls and kick some butt?

Not exactly.

You Chris Benjamins in here might lose his lips.

Take your time, man. I got your back.

Well, Judson.

What's the deal, baby? One man quick. What's going on?

What's happening?

Look here, man.

You know I'm still working on getting Vanessa Williams' home phone number,

right? Don't you, man? I ain't here for that.

Words out that Frank's going to Baco's back with the living. Oh, yo, I ain't

know nothing about that, you know what I'm saying? I don't know nothing about

nothing.

Oh, that Frank.

Okay, well, uh... Look here, man, we do it inside, all right?

Are you asleep?

No.

Well, then what's your problem?

My problem?

Did you forget that the sparrow, the world's deadliest assassin, is trying to

kill me?

You mean the owl?

Owl. Sparrow.

I'm just, I'm so scared.

Good. Oh, fine. Why don't you slap a target on my back?

We're going to find Scarnivaco, and we're going to get the owl. Just stop

whining. You know, I know I've pissed off a lot of people in my time, and I'm

sure, you know, they've wanted to kill me.

You got that right.

But a super...

My couch.

You want some milk and cookies?

I'm feeling much better.

Ow!

Ow!

Anything?

Nope.

check in with Val.

Hello?

Val, is everything okay?

Couldn't be better.

Okay, we'll be there in five minutes.

Hey, look, there's David Duchovny.

Big deal.

You don't think he's still mad about me blowing up the hair and makeup trailer,

do you?

I don't know.

I hope these people have anything better to do.

Am I talking to the same guy who spent a half a day at Armani Exchange?

What happened?

All right.

Take your life.

It's all good.

Who's that girl?

What's up?

Oh, man.

Something's off.

Who come to you?

It must be fly working with all those fine -looking ladies.

That red -hot Valerie Irons, deadly Tasha, spunky Nikki.

Oh, and foxy little Kay.

I get the chills just thinking about it, you know what I'm saying?

So cute.

How come you ain't getting any play?

Yo, man, I don't mix business with pleasure. Oh, yeah, yeah, right,

Look here, man, I got a shake, but, um...

I'll let you know when it's dry so that the politics come in, all right?

You're funny, man. You are.

Oh,

I left my briefcase in the trunk.

Go on, I'll catch up.

How clown.

Going on?

It's just a few.

It's the owl. He cut the alarm system.

Oh, my God, he's going to kill us.

Hello again, Lashane.

Valerie Iron.

I would have expected much more challenging security systems.

Lashane, Sid.

Good boy.

You too.

Tasha is never going to talk to you again if you kill me.

Nice try.

Sit down.

Be a good girl.

We are all going to wait for Tasha.

I have a little surprise for her.

If I were you, I would be very still.

Because if either of you stand up, your chairs will explode.

You know when I told you that we'd trade our lives for Tasha's?

I was just kidding.

Just quit, one more hand.

She's already on her way.

You know, owls are supposed to be wise.

Isn't there any way we could do this other than this?

There is only one way.

I'll let my emotions get the best of me. Just let me go, Al, okay? I don't give

a hoot about this Karnavaka. I'm afraid you're now very much a part of it.

Karnavaka is already on his way with this man.

Tasha?

where you want me.

Tasha, don't listen to him.

I have arranged for a helicopter to pick us up on the rooftop, my love.

Their lives for you.

What will it be?

Tasha, don't.

I need to hear it from your lips.

Well?

All right.

I'll go with you to the rooftop.

I knew you would disappoint me.

Pasha, I can't let you leave with a guy you've already divorced twice.

The bomb will defuse itself in 30 minutes.

You'll be free to go then.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Just hold it.

Now, you're sure this is where the owl went?

The penthouse?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

The word's on the street that VIP's looking for me.

So, gentlemen, we waste everybody who knows I'm alive. We start with the

Hollywood bodyguards at Upper and the Owl.

Nick, Nick, ow, ow, ow, what's the problem? What's the problem? First you

ditched me. Shut up, who's your favorite TV star? What? Answer. Ow, because.

It's him.

Then I realized that children brush their teeth with chocolate cake. Okay,

okay, okay. You're the real one and only Quick Williams.

All right.

Hey, what? Just for the record, Starsky, what were you planning to do if I

wasn't really me?

Kick your ass.

Damn, he's a cop. See now.

What the hell is going on?

Who the hell shoot that at us?

We're in a bomb zone.

We gotta get the bell before he does.

We gotta delay it. We need a diversion.

You got any mini -bugs?

What do you think?

I'll cover you. Go!

Let's go!

I'm so glad you made the right decision.

All right, we'll be here soon.

I'm not going with you.

I say the third time's a charm.

But that day will never come.

You made a deal.

To come to the rooftop.

Not to go with you.

I'd rather die.

Regrettably, I can make your wish come true. You know that, right?

Then you're going to have to take me down the only way you never could.

That's because I always held back.

You know it's hopeless.

It could have worked between us.

Only if you could defeat me at hand -to -hand combat.

Which you never could.

Men and their hang -ups.

I'll never understand it.

I don't think Tasha likes him.

What do you care? I thought you guys hate each other.

Tasha's family.

I have to save her. Are you nuts? In a minute we're going to be nothing but

mincemeat and wood chip.

Come on.

Put your icky body to work.

You can compensate for both of us.

Excuse me, are you saying that I'm fat?

Just do it.

I'm going to be a goner.

This is crazy.

Well, I guess it's not that crazy.

Okay, I'm going to count to three. Uh -huh.

And I'm going to hop off the chair, okay? Okay, okay, wait, wait, wait. And

you lie flat.

You got it? Wait, wait, wait, okay, yeah, yeah, what if this doesn't work?

Well, Tasha leaves with the owl, you die, and I lose two charlottean chairs.

Okay, well, there's something that I want you to know.

What?

I love you.

Oh, great.

Are you ready?

One.

Two.

Three.

Yeah.

Okay. I'll be right back.

Don't move.

Well.

I win, sweetheart.

Wrong. You lose.

Back off or I turn this on.

Don't be silly, Miss Irons. Get away from her. Val, don't be stupid.

Leave.

We got a big problem, people.

Yeah, Scornivaco and his guys are right behind us.

Peter, just go.

I let you in.

Come on, we gotta hide.

This way.

All right, split up. Split up. They're up here somewhere.

I couldn't leave you in danger like that.

Sweetheart.

Yeah, all right.

That way, I'll take the left.

You look good from behind.

Oh, fire, fire!

Okay, move on him. Find him. Come on.

Move, move.

Anybody thirsty?

All right, all right, all right.

No moving.

Happy birthday, big boy.

All right, make it happen. Bye.

Go, girl. Why not?

Can we go now?

I want a bubble bath.

All right, let's go.

Come on, move.

What happened to the owl?

I let him go.

I don't think so.

You're still in love with him, aren't you?

Who the hell are you?

Kip? Help!

The shame proved to be the vital ingredient needed to take down the

international assassin known only as the Owl. Sounds far out.

Wish I was there.

Journeyless. God of love.

Delivery for Tasha Dexter?

I'll take it.

Thanks. Who will get you flowers?

Looks like the owl got out of its cage.

Till we meet again, my love.

See if you can guess who's in my jail cell.

Not the owl.

You've got to let me out.

You don't understand. You've got to let me out.