Original subtitles

Stop it, Berg. My milk's coming in.

What? I have to welcome all the newborns when they're fresh out of the oven.

Babies love me.

Well, why wouldn't they? You're a boob.

Hey there, little fella.

Hello. Hey there.

Cut it out. You're scaring them.

Oh, please. They're probably just hungry.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure that's what it is.

Yeah.

This is ridiculous.

Newborns can't even see that far. No, no, no, no, but they can sense evil.

Children, relax. She'll be dead by the time you're dating age.

Sorry, baby.

What are you doing?

Drinking beer.

Watching my two good pals shake each cup.

Funnier with beer.

Sweetie, sweetie, it is eight in the morning. Yeah, and it's my birthday, and

I'm not going to shave, and I'm not going to shower.

I'm just going to sit around in my underwear all day and celebrate life.

Oh, come on, sweetie. You can do that any day.

Not true.

Last time I tried this, you said, what'd you think it is, your birthday?

Okay, okay.

I bet you're gonna change your mind when you see your present. You got me the

circular saw?

Happy birthday.

You got the extended warranty.

Johnny Donnelly has hereby declared an honorary fireman for a day.

Isn't it great?

Pete was telling me to raise money for the fire station, and I just figured,

know, every boy dreams of being a fireman.

I always dreamed of driving that truck that sucks the stuff out of outhouses.

Okay, forget it. No, well, honey, no, no, come on. No, no, no, it was a stupid

gift. But I gotta tell you, you're not the easiest to buy for. I mean, what do

you get the man who has nothing? Where do you start?

Don't be upset. You know what?

I would love to be a fireman for a day. This is something that I would never

have gotten for myself.

Never, ever.

All right, relax.

Take a deep breath.

Make the camera your lover.

It's just an ID photo germ. Will you take it already?

Come on, Dr.

Walker. Move me. Make me feel something. Make me cry.

It's too bad you're not a baby or you'd be bawling your eyes out.

Next.

picture, take another one. Right, next.

Charm. Next.

Charm.

Next.

All right.

I'm up.

Finally,

they send me a face.

All right, everybody, this is the last shot of the morning. For those of you

wanting fake IDs, meet me in the parking lot in 15 minutes.

Have you ever heard the expression ladies first? Yeah, learn that right

each turn.

Oh, mine. I was really hoping to get this done today.

Uh, yeah, so was I. You think this just happens?

Well, I guess chivalry is dead.

What?

Excuse me?

Why would she say that?

I'm all about chivalry. Who does she think... Smile.

She is.

Good work, man. Come back next week. I'll bring the wind machine.

I'll tape the hockey game. Okay, but don't tell me how it ends.

And don't tape over Scooby -Doo.

Tony, can you go be a fireman?

It's going to be great. You get to hang out with the guys and scratch and curse.

Okay, stop.

Hey, okay, okay, that's a lethal weapon.

That doesn't even go in your head. Don't do that. Hey, put those back.

Hey, take that off. That's not a toy.

Hey, do you know where that boot has been?

Well, I do, so take it off your head.

I'm so sorry. I didn't know it was going to be like this. You don't have to

stay. No, you went through a lot of trouble. Besides, at least this way I

won't get picked on.

Okay.

Finally.

Look, Firefighter Johnny is here.

You know what happens when firefighters are late? People die, Johnny.

Hey, why does his mommy get to stay?

Because his mommy loves him.

All right, Sharon, you can take off.

Bye.

and start.

Now, listen, the first thing we do when we hear the fire alarm is we slide down

the pole.

Who wants to slide down the pole?

Okay.

How about you, birthday boy?

They're cute when they're big.

I didn't do anything wrong.

I was there before her, I know, because she held the door open for me.

Look, chivalry isn't about doing the right thing. It's about a man doing the

extra thing for the lady. You mean like the extra thing this man does for his

lady?

That isn't chivalry.

It's medieval, but it ain't chivalry.

The codpiece was for you.

Okay.

Bird, let me tell you a little story about chivalry.

Remember last winter we had that big storm and the streets were flooded?

I slipped and fell in the mud out front. People just walked by and laughed.

Then, a tall, handsome knight in shining armor came out of this building, helped

me up, took me inside, and made me some cocoa. I don't remember doing that.

Yeah, because it was Johnny!

You think Johnny's handsome? Not the point!

Look, he was being chivalrous.

even care what that nurse thinks anyway.

Because! All right, look, I consider myself to be a good person. You know

hate? I think that there's somebody out there who doesn't feel the same way.

Oh, so everyone in the world should love you. I don't think that's too much to

ask.

That was the best birthday present I ever got.

No way. So I should cancel the hot fudge and makeup sex?

The sticky icky.

This is the best birthday ever.

So you really had a good time? Oh, I loved it. Yeah, after the kids went

Pete invited me to go off on the truck.

He took you to a fire?

No, no, for yogurt.

You know what I found out? What?

Firemen get yogurt for free.

Can you believe that? And after that, we went for coffee, and guess what? Coffee

was free, too?

Yeah.

You know, Sharon, you'll never meet...

A group of nicer guys.

They let you turn on the siren, didn't they? Yeah!

You know what?

I think I would make a very good fireman. Yes, honey, I think that you

Good. Because I signed up for the training program.

I'm going to fight fires.

What? Yeah.

First I volunteer at the fire station, then I go to boot camp, and in six

months, I'll be a firefighter. So what about the other children? Are they doing

that?

Honey, I'm serious.

I'm going to fight fires. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That, that, that. Stay.

to us, you could get hurt. What if I stay alert?

If that was on fire, I would have seen it.

Hey.

Hey.

So, uh, Johnny had a fun day.

I know, and very well behaved during nap time.

Yeah. Now he wants to become a fireman. I know, I know. He told me. No.

Crazy? What is the crazy, Sharon? I'm a fireman. But Pete, you're good at it.

You've got what it takes. Johnny burned himself shaving.

Come on, Sharon. Look, all spouses get worried at first, you know, but

eventually they get over it. And if not, they meet somebody in rehab.

There's nothing to worry about.

Pete, your fundraiser was for widows and orphans.

No, no, see, that's just marketing. I mean, who would contribute if they knew

they were just sending us to Atlantic City?

Okay, see, you're not taking this seriously, and neither is he.

What does that mean?

He thinks being a fireman is easier than being a janitor.

He said that? Actually, his exact words were, if Pete can fight fires, any bozo

can. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. I'd like to see Bozo entertain a group of children all

day.

He also said all you guys need to do is take the truck out for free yogurt.

Free yogurt?

He told you about the free yogurt? See, civilians, they're not supposed to know

that. That's just betrayal.

You know, I hate to say this about my own husband, but someone needs to teach

him a lesson.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I know just the man to do it.

You.

No, Pete.

Okay, you big wussy, I'll do it.

Then Johnny starts shooting his mouth off.

Yeah, we'll see how cocky he is when he has to carry the tires to the police

station.

See, we never had to do that.

What are you talking about? How's the police chief supposed to inspect the

if he doesn't?

I knew that.

Hey. Hey, guys.

Volunteer Donnelly, reporting for duty.

All right, rookie, we've got a lot of work for you to do. Good, that's why I'm

here. All right, we've got boots to shine, we've got floors to mop. And then

you've got to shave Chuck's back.

It's true, we all had to do it.

Okay, you know what? You guys are just jerks.

Seriously, what's first? Well, first we want you to take each of these 60 -pound

hoses up to the second floor. No problem. But here's the thing. We just

the stairs, so you can't use those.

You have to use the pole.

Oh, it's one of those hazing things, isn't it? Okay, you're not supposed to

that.

Nice work, Dunville. Oh, and when you finish that, clean the oven.

Very nice.

filthy, and I have to bake in the morning.

All right, who's next?

Oh, no, no do -overs.

Jerm, I demand you retake this picture. Look at it.

Oh, boy, you're right. No wonder you make the babies cry.

Can you help me?

No, it's a camera, not the hand of God. Next.

I was thinking about what happened between us earlier.

Yeah, that was my lunch break. And now I'm making my kids talk again.

Okay, I didn't know that.

Look, I talked it over with my girlfriend, and I realized that maybe I

have given up my place in line.

Okay, so that's what I'm doing here. I'm here to make it up to you, all right?

Come with me.

Come here. What are you doing? I'm being chivalrous. Hey, hairdo, beat it.

You are amazing.

You cut in front of a bunch of... Hard -working nurses just to somehow prove to

me what a good guy you are.

You have no idea how to treat a woman, do you?

Well, you haven't seen me in my codpiece, have you?

Dude, you're a pain.

Good yogurt.

Top of the pole. Where do you want them? And oven is clean, too, but whoever's

making souffle should really just lay some foil down.

This guy's good.

I'm going to go lather up my back.

All right, hot shot. Let's get those hoses back down here.

Wait a second. I just put them up there. I missed yogurt.

Are you sassing me?

What is this, Pete? I mean, the other day I was here, you're treating me like

king. And today, you're dogging me.

You know what?

Why shouldn't I?

Apparently, you think it's real easy being a fireman.

I never said that.

Oh, yeah.

Sharon also told me you figured, hey, if Pete can do it, any bozo can.

Whoa, no. Hey, I never said that. As a matter of fact, I defend you when I hear

that.

seeing the mean woman eating the little red -headed kid.

Why is it so important to you that all the babies like you?

It's not just babies who are afraid of me. It's also small animals and the

blind.

Okay, so maybe it's not the way you look, but the way you smell.

Hello, Dr. Walker.

Ladies. Dr.

Pig.

All the nurses have been treating me like that, as a man.

I was just trying to do the extra thing for a lady.

Yeah, but, Berg, you can't force it. You know, you might want to think about

that when you force innocent babies to watch creepy puppet shows.

Hey, hey, hey, look, can I talk to you for a second, please?

Sure, it's a perfect time while I'm standing here holding a heavy box.

Okay, look, I know we got off to a bad first impression, and I made a terrible

second impression.

But seriously, though, if you give me enough chances, eventually I come off

adorable.

I guess I could give you a second chance.

All right. Play it on. Here.

Ow! Ow!

Something went.

My back. It's a... Ah, it's an old flag core injury.

Good. You deserve it. Oh.

You know, maybe chivalry isn't dead. Maybe it's just avoiding you because

nasty.

is a good guy.

All week long, I've been really down about something that's been going on in

maternity ward. The babies are afraid of her face.

And his caring has helped me through it.

So why don't you just back off and take your box with you? Yeah, before we get

mad.

Thanks,

Ashley. I did not want to carry that box.

who I brought home for dinner.

Ooh, someone to make it?

Yeah, yeah, I'd be happy to. I mean, if I can make dinner, any bozo can.

All right, all right, I lied.

Jeez, you guys act like it's the first time.

Well, you better have a good reason.

I do.

You being a fireman scares the hell out of me, Johnny. I mean, what if you got

burned to death or work?

What's worse?

I guess if you're burned right up to the edge of death.

And then you just kind of lingered.

Johnny, I'm serious.

I'm worried about you.

Sharon, I told you I'm going to be there to help him.

That toaster is on.

Being a fireman is dangerous, but I don't plan on getting hurt.

Johnny, you cannot control that.

I don't want to be like my mom. You know, waiting up, wondering whether or

her husband makes it home.

Your father wasn't a firefighter. He had a whole other family.

Sweetie, I don't want to lose you.

Sweetie, why didn't you just say that instead of putting us through all this?

Because you just seemed so excited and it was your birthday, so I just figured,

you know, why not make Pete the bad guy?

Baby, you are not going to lose me. Then don't do it.

But I have to.

No, sweet.

When people ask me what I do for a living, I don't feel good telling them

janitor. You tell them you're a janitor? No wonder we don't get invited to

parties.

See?

Now, you took that job at the law office so that you could make a difference.

You come home every day proud of all you've done. I want that.

Johnny, live...

Sharon, this is what I want.

I want to save people's lives.

You are so selfish.

Hey, what are you doing out here?

Mad at Johnny and we only have one room.

What's become a fireman?

Oh, that's great.

That's great. I think Johnny would make a great fireman.

Not that I'd know. I mean, you know, he's married to you, though, so he must

brave.

See, that's what I'm worried about. He's brave.

Now, you know, with him being a janitor, at least I don't have to worry about

him dying from fixing a leak.

Oh, you can die from fixing a leak. I mean, you're standing in water. You

a couple of live wires to get a deep, deep cry, Johnny.

Thank you, Berg.

Look, all right.

Okay, you're right. Being a fireman is dangerous, but Johnny's got a good head

on his shoulders.

Besides all that, you know, if anything is going to keep him completely safe,

it's knowing that he has you to come home to.

Oh, sweet.

Thank you.

I guess chivalry still has a pulse, huh?

I'm freezing.

Oh, God, I'm so cold.

Oh, you really have a jacket. It's like 20 degrees out here.

Don't bring that cold my way.

Oh, hi there, baby. Boogie Woman.

Oh, don't be silly.

Here, come meet my little niece.

If you really want to scare the baby, why not just stick a balloon in her crib

and pop it?

He's right, Irene. Babies are terrified of me.

Come on. Babies are easy to get along with.

Just, okay, let out the inner Ashley.

No, the problem is it's wrapped in the outer Ashley.

Come on, just relax.

Take a deep breath, think happy thoughts, and take one step forward.

this.

Can I hold her? Okay, let's not push our luck. Baby.

You're right.

But thanks a lot, Irene.

Gosh, maybe babies don't hate me.

No, babies hate her.

But our salami sure doesn't.

You know, that was very nice of you, Berg. I might even say chivalrous.

Hey, is it wrong if I raise it as my own?

Do you know how much it costs to raise a salami?

Let's just eat it.