Original subtitles

Oh, hey, hey, Berg.

I'm making your favorite chopped salad with bologna.

And I circled all your favorite programs in the TV guide.

And I put little stars next to the Teletubbies.

Come on, man. I'm trying here.

Oh! Oh, you're trying. Well, this seems like a fair trade. I get a used TV

guide, and you get my mother.

I said I wasn't going to see her anymore, and I told you how sorry I am.

know what? It's way too late for that.

What's that supposed to mean? You know, you can just stop apologizing, all

right? Because this is the type of thing that you can never forgive.

Never forgive? Never?

Okay, okay.

Yeah, fine. You know what? If that's the way you feel, then it's fine by me.

Right.

But when I think of everything we've been through together, and what we mean

each other, and how you're not exactly perfect yourself, mister.

You know, it makes me want to... Don't tell me that mouse is back.

No, Bert, I cut my finger. I think it's really bad.

Let me take a look.

Okay. All right, everything's going to be okay. We're just going to have to get

you to the hospital.

Right away, it gets that finger reattached.

Thank God. What do you mean, reattached?

I don't want you to panic, but you just cut off the tip of your finger.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, Berg, I think I feel light.

Grandmama?

No,

no, you don't. Look, it's going to be fine, okay? I put the tip on us. Let's

Come on.

Okay.

I just wanted to make you a chopped salad.

Next time, hold the finger.

You know,

if you would have cut the tip of your finger off, I would have taken you to

hospital in an ambulance.

Look, a cab will be faster. You know what? You may not be able to relate to

this, but you can trust me because that's the kind of friend I am.

Loyal and trustworthy, not like some people. Are you still on this?

Yes. What's it going to take? I cut my finger off for you.

No, you cut your finger off for dinner.

Forget this. Why don't I just walk?

Because you'll bleed out in around four blocks.

All right, I was just posing the question.

Look, Pete, listen to me now. Look, you're going to be fine.

Oh, my God. I felt that.

Relax, all right? We have up to six hours to get your finger reattached,

Just don't panic.

Apply pressure.

Taxi!

And keep the area dry.

Hey, baby. How'd it go today?

Lousy. There's not one law firm in Boston that will hire me as a legal

assistant. I couldn't meet a lawyer if I was followed by a tobacco company.

Okay, why don't we make that plan B?

I mean, so what if I haven't started law school yet?

I miss the old days when I got what I wanted because I'm cute.

Why don't you take that job over at Powell, Brown, and Johnson?

What? They called while you were out.

Wait until I be a bigger hero.

Now, go, go, go. They said be there in half an hour. Don't be late.

I've been even starting. They're already busting my hump. Isn't that great?

Hey, Sharon. Hey, so you ready?

Oh, Ash, I can't help you with your homework thing. I got a job interview.

Oh, no, no, no, Sharon. I really need a good grade on this psych paper, and

you're the perfect subject. You're so interesting and colorful.

Oh, uh, sorry.

Johnny will do it.

Bye. I'll get a day.

How are you holding up?

I'm okay.

I think I'm okay. Am I okay? Tell me I'm okay. You're going to be fine.

You'll be fine. I've seen a number of reattachments.

See? It's a clean cut, which is good.

Because that way, when they reattach it, you won't see a scar.

Oh, my God, Burke, there's two fingers in there.

No, no, one's a garbanzo, Pete.

Hey, listen, I want to talk about your mom. Oh, please, drop it. No, we have to

talk about this.

Fine, fine, I'm sure you have a perfectly reasonable explanation.

No one that'll make me feel completely comfortable using my mother as your

plaything.

In fact, I'm looking forward to this.

It's gonna be super. All right, Pete, I'm listening. Go!

Look, I never intended for this to happen, okay? She was nervous about her

with Captain Shaw.

I started to reassure her, and then she started telling me what a great guy I

was, and then I just finished zipping up her dress, and then we were... Will you

spare me the details, Stumpy?

Where are we? I don't know. Where are we?

Excuse me.

Hey, where are we?

Going hospital.

No, I said the hospital was on 5th Street. You've taken us all the way

God, how many hookers does one town need?

You say hospital. You not say which hospital.

I did say which hospital. I said the hospital on 5th Street.

Which hospital are you taking us to?

Well, I be honest. I knew in this country.

I'm not sure.

Oh, my God. All right.

All right. Look, make a left at the next street. Don't make a left. You turn.

It's your head. Make a left at the next street. It's your head. Will you let me

handle it? Please.

One at a time.

The one who did the bonky bonk with the other one's mother. You first.

Hi. Excuse me. I'm Sharon Carter. I'm here about the job.

Oh, good. Will you be able to start tomorrow?

Oh, uh, sure.

Don't you want to interview me first?

All right.

Can you ride a bicycle?

Yeah, why?

We find it a useful skill for bike messengers.

No, no, no. I'm not here to be a bike messenger. I want to have contact with

lawyers.

Stab your husband. That's what I did.

Do you want the job or not?

No, I want to be in the trenches, you know, defending the rights of the less

fortunate. That's why I want to be a lawyer, and I want to learn from the

So if I have to come here every day and beg for a job, then that's what I'm

going to do.

Thank you. I'll notify security.

You'll have to excuse Betty. She's been like this ever since she passed away.

Mark Bredlin, I'm an attorney.

I gather that you're looking for a job.

Yes. Well, it sounds as though you're serious in your commitment to the law.

Yes, sir, absolutely.

Can you work long hours without complaining?

Not without complaining.

Well, neither can I.

But you've certainly got a lot of passion, and that's what it takes to

good lawyer. I'll tell you what.

I'm looking for an assistant.

You want me to work for you? One of the top law firms in Boston? Oh, no, I don't

work here.

I'm representing a client at a settlement meeting.

Oh. Well, if you're butting heads with the big guys, then I am raring to go.

Great. I'd like you to start right away, if you care. All right.

Well, it's almost lunchtime, but, uh, okay.

You should consider yourself lucky, Johnny.

Therapy is usually reserved for the complicated.

Now, if any of these questions are too personal, you just let me know.

Oh, no, go ahead.

Hit me with your mumbo jumbo, Dr. Frost.

That's... Very clever.

Have you ever taken a psychological test before?

Yes. Once at a sleepover when the Ouija board got old.

You know, maybe I'm interviewing the wrong subject. There's a St. Bernard

the corner that can open a door.

Oh, no, I'm okay. Come on, go ahead.

Okay. Now, I'm going to ask you some questions, and then I'm going to write a

complete profile of your personality.

Okay.

Tell me what you see.

Ink.

Okay. Look again, and this time use your imagination.

You know, make play play in the head.

You know, this would be a lot easier on both of us if I had a few drinks.

Pictures are hard.

Why don't we try some multiple choice?

Okay.

What would you do in the following situation?

You see a person who owes you $100.

Okay.

I would never lend anyone money.

Okay.

But say, in a universe where that might be possible, what do you think you would

do? I don't know. Why did I lend this person money?

It doesn't matter.

Yeah, it's easier for you to say. Meanwhile, I'm out $100.

Forget it.

Okay, moving on.

Sexual fantasies. Would you say that you have... Yes, but would you...

Next.

We're at plenty of time. Just sit down, keep your hand elevated, I'll get us

right in. All right, tell them I'm a hand model.

Hi, I'm, uh... I'm Dr.

Michael Bergen. My patient has cut off the tip of his finger. We need to get

in a pre -op right away. Pete, hand me the bag.

What?

The bag with your fingertip.

Yeah, you had it.

No, you... Oh, my God.

What?

I left it in the cab.

kidding me you're kidding you did this on purpose i did no uh -huh because

you're just trying to get even with me for being with your mother so you threw

my finger away that is ridiculous okay look hey we have plenty of

time all right i will get it back don't worry about it are you sure of course

i'm sure hey bye for

One more trip to the airport, back to the hotel.

Excuse me. Yeah. I'm still here. Right.

Let me get this straight. You left your finger in one of our cabs?

No, not my finger.

My friend's finger, all right?

Come on. Will you help me out here or what? What was the cab's number?

I don't know.

It was yellow.

Yeah. See our problem here?

Okay. Wait, wait, wait.

I remember something about the driver, though. All right, that might help. He

had an accent. He was from a foreign country.

Okay, all right.

Look, this is my best friend, Finger.

And he thinks I lost him on purpose. Can you believe that?

Yes, I'm mad at him. But who wouldn't be after what he did? Must be pretty

serious if you cut off his finger.

He dated my mother.

And you only cut off his finger?

Dispatch. Look, this is a waste of time. Actually, hold on a second.

Really?

It wasn't a big toe, was it?

No, it was a finger. What kind of place are you running here?

No, Eddie, I guess you can keep the toe.

Oh, look at this conference room.

It's all to intimidate you.

They want to make you feel like you're nobody, Shelly.

going to do, sir? I want you to pretend that you're my associate. You sit up

straight, you look steely -eyed, and you put this pen in your pocket.

Okay, why?

It's a nice pen.

Um, okay, so what is this case about?

My client, single father of two, lost the use of his leg due to the negligence

of the company represented by this firm.

Oh, that's terrible.

Now, how much do these cases usually settle for?

Usually in the millions.

Nice!

that he lost the use of his legs, but it's pretty good.

Mr. Breslin, we have reviewed the facts of your client's case, and although we

feel this is nothing more than a nuisance suit, in the interest of

this properly, we have prepared a certified check in the amount of $30

$30 ,000?

Take it or leave it.

Boy, you guys went for a surprise. Tell him. We'll take it.

What? Thank you.

30 ,000? What are you thinking?

I was thinking I was going to get 20 ,000.

Oh, Daddy's had a good day.

Okay.

One last test.

I'm going to hold up a card, and you have 10 seconds to draw what you think.

It's just your impressions.

It doesn't have to be a work of art.

Okay.

Time. See what you got.

It's my fingers.

That's cute. That's very cute.

Sorry to draw him so chubby.

Johnny, why are you stonewalling me?

Stonewalling.

Is that one of your big doctor words?

Well, I'm sorry if I couldn't be a little more colorful.

Oh, no, Johnny. You are surprisingly colorful.

Bordering on psychotic.

Right. I didn't even answer any of your stupid questions.

Oh, no.

No, it's not your answers that tell me about you. It's the way you respond to

the questions.

You are path of aggressive.

You have... trouble with authority, and I'm pretty sure you've got a drinking

problem.

What are you doing?

Don't write that down.

Write it down? Are you kidding?

I'm hoping to have it published.

You can't publish that. That kind of stuff will end up on my permanent

Oh, Johnny, don't worry. The only people who read this subscribe to medical

journals. Or have the internet.

It isn't much, but... Well, it isn't much.

How'd it go?

Oh, just like I said.

Here's your check.

Minus my hat.

Thank you.

And I think you have something that belongs to me.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks for the chair.

You know, the right wheel sticks a bit. It pinched my thumb.

So sue me.

So, Sharon, you can use that chair, and I'll get your desk later.

Mr. Breslin, I'm not quite sure how to say this, but I don't think this job is

for me. What are you talking about?

You can get a lot of practical experience. Hell, I'll even let you do

work, which is technically illegal.

No, sir, I'm quitting because I think you're the world's worst lawyer.

Sharon, I do not choose my clients.

Yes, but you helped them break the law.

Bend, bend. That's what we lawyers do.

Yeah, not this. lawyer. Oh, Sharon, don't be so naive.

You know, when I first started practice, it was to defend the rights of those

who could not defend themselves. And you know why? Because they were guilty as

sin.

So I decided that if I'm going to represent scum, I might as well

who can pay me.

Oh, okay. So you just gave up. No, I wised up and you will too someday.

I feel sorry for you, sir. Oh, now you sound just like my son.

He's a judge.

Okay, I might be naive, but at least I never stopped trying. Well, I knew that

the first time I saw you.

Well, goodbye.

Goodbye.

Okay, you know what really gets me? Here I am accusing you of being a quitter,

and then I go and quit.

Peppa quit.

Well, I am not quitting. I am sticking around until you clean up your act. By

the time I am finished with you, you will have a respectable law practice.

yeah? Well, that's assuming that I hire you. Too late. I'm hired.

But I'm expensive, so let me do your book. Okay.

I got two sets. Which one would you like to see?

Pete, I am so sorry.

I couldn't find it.

You're not serious? I checked the cab company and the police everywhere.

I, uh, I don't know where your finger is.

I, uh, I don't know what to say.

I'm sorry. I lost it.

Isn't that funny?

We both lost a finger today. You idiot!

Um, I can get you a toe.

Can you ever, ever forgive me?

Wait, you wouldn't forgive me for being with your mother?

You see, here's the thing. You still have your mother. All I have is a bloody

nub!

Okay, look, obviously, Pete, I didn't... Oh, wait, what? You're going to say

something now to make me feel better about not having a finger? Oh, well,

should be good. I can't wait to hear it. Okay, Bert, go!

Okay, I see your point.

And?

And?

I forgive you for seeing my mother.

Thank you.

Was that that hard? Did you forgive me for losing your finger? No.

See, it just so happens you didn't lose my finger.

They sewed it on while you were gone.

And I got a sucker.

What? I thought I left it in the cab. You did, but I grabbed it before you

noticed. See, you should always check a cab for your belongings before you get

out. Hold it. Would you make me go through all of this for nothing? No, no,

for nothing. You had to be taught the lesson of forgiveness.

I take it back. You can. It's already out there. I already accepted it.

Oh, yeah? Well, those stitches are still fresh. You know, one little tug and

that little piggy comes right off.

Hey, thanks for the knife, man.

You know, you were right. All I needed was a hobby to take my mind off my

finger.

Gets a little slippery from the soap.

You know, I think we both learned a pretty valuable lesson about safety

Damn, stupid thing has stuck again.

Don't put your fingers in there.

Here, use my knife. Thanks.

There we go. Hey, you want to make a chopped salad?

All right, what are we both idiots?

Here's your knife back, buddy. Thanks.

Ah! Just kidding.

Thank you.