Original subtitles

I'm Pete Dunville. This is my life. Get used to it.

Her name is Susan.

She's beautiful, sophisticated, and most of all, she's into me.

But my boss, Captain Shaw, has been to her too, which wouldn't be so bad if it

weren't for this little thing.

Susan is my roommate's mom.

When Burke found out, he flew into a rage and stormed off, but he'll be back.

And soon I'll be dead.

Or just scolded. I don't know, but... Who wants that on their day off?

I think I'll take a shower.

Oh, hey, Captain. I was just coming to do that. Oh, that's all right, Dunmill.

Grunt work helps me keep my mind off of a certain someone.

Susan.

Mrs. Bergen, Mrs. Susan Bergen.

I know it was just one date, but we grew so close.

I even showed her my appendix scar.

Wow, wow, I hadn't realized it had gone that far.

But listen, sir, I'm here for you.

Thanks, Tunville.

I'm not one for Nancy talk.

But it helps.

I mean, you wake up in the morning and... She's the first thing on your

You try to eat breakfast.

You can't eat anything.

All you can remember is the way she smelled.

And what it was like to kiss her.

I never kissed her.

No, no, but she saw your scar, and that, I think, second base.

Listen, why don't I go out and get us some comfort food, all right? How about

meatball subs?

I'd rather have pudding.

All right, you got it.

What a good kid.

Hey, excuse me, I was looking for Pete Dunville.

Oh, you just dismissed him.

Are you his girlfriend?

Oh, no.

Well, if I was 20 years older, maybe.

I'm Captain Shaw.

Hi. Can I help you? Yes, I just wanted to give him these things from home. Just

some clothes, a toothbrush, his Aquaman flip -flop.

Is he moving in?

Oh, no, no, no. He just got in a bit of a fight with his roommate.

Borrowed something without asking?

Oh, no, no, no. He's very conscientious.

It's just this little thing where he slept with his roommate's mom.

He slept with Mrs. Bergen. Oh, yeah. She had to leave town. It's a whole to -do.

So you'll give this to him?

Oh, I'll give it to him.

Wow!

It is so nice that Pete finally has a nice captain. You know, the last one

sounded like he really had to stick up his butt.

Don't you feel better now?

No. Oh, funny. Maybe it only works on cats.

My best friend slept with my mom. I'm not going to get over it by scratching

a post or chasing a feather on a string.

I was afraid you would say that. So, I baked you a sorry Pete slept with your

mom muffin.

No, thank you.

Oh, come on, Bird. Now, okay, don't get mad, but I think they made a nice

couple. How could you think that?

to think it, then say it.

Okay. Yes, they make a crazy couple, but you know who else makes a crazy couple?

Knock, knock. Who's there? It's us.

Okay, all right, look. I mean, she's my mom, okay?

You know, the woman who held me when I was little, wiped my nose when I was

sick, never missed a soccer game.

And then there's Pete, who I watched porn with last Friday.

Now, picture the two of them together.

Ew.

Yeah, not now, Irene. I find all women repulsive.

Hey, Ash. Hey.

Anything different about me?

Sharon, I don't find these games quite as challenging as Johnny does.

So what's up? Okay, I just wanted to thank you for helping me out with my

resumes because I was just offered a job as sales rep for Bennett

Pharmaceuticals.

Congratulations. Yeah, I get total benefits, a 401k, and free hormones.

replacement when I retire.

I knew you could do it.

I don't want to do it.

If I wanted to sell drugs, I would have stayed with my first boyfriend.

Don't take the job.

No, I have to do something. Johnny's pressuring me to go to work. I just, I

don't know.

I feel so lost.

Cher, come on. You just haven't figured out what you want to do yet.

Come on, think back.

Isn't there something you've always dreamed about?

Well, I've always wanted to be a VJ for MTV.

Okay.

Any other dreams? And this time, wake up.

Okay,

there is one, but please promise not to judge me. Aw, so it's something stupid.

No, okay.

I'm thinking about going to law school.

So do you know anything about music videos?

Well,

it takes so much time and money. It's just a stupid dream.

No, Sharon, there are no stupid dreams.

Listen, you've got the time and now you've got the money. And I say, if

lawyer is what you really want, then you should go for it.

Really? Yeah. Who argues more than anyone else in this building?

You do.

You see, you're going to make a great lawyer. I'm hating you already.

Well, who cares? I'm going to be a lawyer. I can get better friends.

Okay,

everybody, hide your mothers.

Hey, Sharon, thanks for the care package.

Did you know Captain Shaw was in love with Susan?

No.

I wouldn't worry, Pete. I don't think he's going to be too much competition

you.

So, how's your old lady?

I'm sorry, I meant Berg's mom.

God, there's really no good way of saying it, is there?

But, Ashley, what are you doing out here anyway? Shouldn't you be rounding up

the Dalmatians?

So have you talked with Susan?

No, I haven't talked to her since I dropped her off at the train. I'm going

give her a call as soon as I figure out what I'm going to say.

Oh, thank you. That reminds me. I've got to call my mother.

Peter Dunville.

You are not the man I thought you were.

Well, that can happen, Irene. Remember when you thought the garbage man was

Bacharach?

How could you do this to Burt?

If anyone, I thought you would understand. Well, you got wrong, Batman.

Boy Wonder's got a tape all in a bunch.

Irene, can we talk about this later? Commissioner Gordon just sent out the

signal. Yeah.

Sure, fine. Leave me here to clean up your mess.

Do you think I wanted this?

Huh? You know, you wake up one morning and you think you're never going to find

someone. And then you turn around and there's Susan and there's the spark and

all this wonderful stuff starts to happen. Wait.

Do you love her?

I don't know. Maybe. I don't know.

Oh, Pete Dunville, you're not just some guy hopping his roommate's mom.

You really care about her.

Yeah, I do.

Irene, but it's over now, and I'm never going to find out what might have been.

No!

I, for one, cannot spend the rest of my life wondering.

What about Bert?

Oh, he'll be fine. He's got a muffin the size of a basketball.

I wish you'd stop doing that.

And I have figured out a way to turn our 90 ,000 into millions.

I'm listening. Okay.

I'm going to law school.

What's your plan? You're going to slip down the steps and sue them?

No, sweetie, I'm serious.

I want my law degree.

What happened to the BJ thing?

I've wanted to be a lawyer for a long time, but I... I just didn't realize it

until I was talking with Ashley today.

Oh, well, thanks a lot, Ashley.

Hey, when she came to me, she was a drug dealer.

Yeah, what about that job offer?

No, I don't want to do that.

I would be a good lawyer. You know what I'm like.

I'm relentless.

I'm a fighter. I win every argument. Yes, I've seen that. It's not

But, Johnny, right now I have the time and the money.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on there. You mean we have the money?

All right, we have the money. And it's not doing anything, just sitting there

collecting interest.

But we have a rule. Remember, we have to agree before every major purchase.

Oh, right, like the house you bought without her. That's why she made the

Okay, if you're going to yell at me, I'm leaving. Oh, you mean I had that power

all along? Go!

Johnny, I can't believe... you're being like this over money.

Sweetie, three years of law school will pick up our entire savings. But I

promise you I will make it back.

This is for my career.

Career?

Sweetie, you just thought of this this morning.

But you're probably looking for a reason to buy a new outfit and a briefcase.

Look, I have wanted that briefcase for a long time.

Johnny, half that money is mine and I would like to use it to go to law

Then fine.

Use it.

Okay, say it again, but mean it.

Sweetie, it is important to me that you're okay with this decision. I can't

be happy because you asked me to be happy. I mean, this is just another way

you to avoid responsibility. Another excuse that you don't have to work for a

few more years.

Johnny, how can you say that? Because she hasn't worked a day since I married

her.

I wasn't there, but just going by how I feel, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have.

And you shouldn't have either.

Why? Why?

I can't believe that I have to stand here and explain this to you. Look,

I am your boyfriend, correct?

Correct. By the way, I love it. Thank you.

And you are my girlfriend.

With bells on.

And as boyfriend and girlfriend, we are a team.

And what happens when you're a team?

You're on the same side.

Oh, so because you're mad at Pete, I should be mad at Pete? Okay, come here,

team. Look. Okay.

All right, hey.

Let's hit the showers. Okay.

Hey, but I'm still glad I told Pete to see your mother.

Oh.

I think.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm going to go play for the other team.

Hey, Berg.

Long time no see.

Have you lost weight? You look fantastic.

If you find all the Bergens attractive.

You going somewhere?

Look, I'm not going to lie to you.

I've been transferred to Italy.

Let me accustom you to some of the hand gestures.

So I know where you're going, all right? I want you to stop seeing my mother.

It's over. Look, Burke, I feel terrible about this. I really do, but I can't

just leave things unresolved, all right? And Susan feels the same way. Well, you

talked to her? Yeah, just now. I mean, it's rude to just drop by if there's one

thing my mom taught me.

Okay.

Never mind.

The point is, there's just a lot of things that we need to sort out.

Hey, look, if you need to sort things out, you need to sort things out.

Nothing I can do except help me with your bag.

Anything else you'd like to take to Albany? My grandmother?

Look, this doesn't have to be a bad thing. What if it works out with me and

Susan? Oh, excellent.

Well, then you can be my new stepdad.

Yeah, I'll call you Papa and you can call me Half -Pint. We'll all go get

splits together like one big happy family. Have you lost your mind?

Kirk, I understand why you're angry. I do, but look, can't you just understand

how I feel?

If you leave, don't come back.

What are you saying?

If you leave, don't come back.

Oh, good. I believe these are your pull -ups.

Congratulations, Sharon. Your project to reanimate Hitler has worked.

I might close out the window.

Oh, is it so mad at you about... You know.

You can say it, Sharon. Me and Susan, I haven't done anything to be ashamed of.

That's right. You should get the Friend of the Year Award.

Why is everyone so concerned with Bert, huh? Why isn't anyone concerned about

me? You know, I'm dealing with a lot of difficult emotions right now. Now, will

someone please buy me a stick and help me pick my underwear out of a tree? I'm

late for a train.

Where are you going?

Albany. What?

Susan and I are going to see where we stand.

Wow. I bet your brain's no bigger than a pea.

What I think Ashley needs to say is, sweetie, I think you just need to slow

down. And think about what this will do to your relationship with Berg.

No, what I meant was I bet if we had a pee and then Pete's brain and we

compare... Thank you.

Berg will get over this. He always does.

Not this time, Pete.

Sharon, he'll get over this. We've been through a lot. We weathered stuff like

this before.

Remember when he went out with Marty without asking? I got over it.

Really?

I knew you would side with him. No, come on. I'm not siding with him.

There's no one right or wrong here. But Pete, he will never, ever understand

this. So if this is what you want to do, you have to take responsibility for

your decision.

Looks like I'm all you've got left in the world.

Well, go ahead. The lions and the jackals have had their fill of me.

It's time for you to swoop down and stick your ugly neck into my carcass.

What the hell was that for? Did you put a sign on my back?

I know this is really hard, and I hope you make the right choice.

Thanks.

What would you do?

Oh, I'd wait to see what you do and then do the opposite.

Okay, law school is $25 ,000 a year per book times three years.

Damn!

Okay, if law school were $800 a year... Hi.

Hey, baby, would you say you're smart enough to get into a real top -notch law

school? Yes, Johnny, I am.

Damn.

you're going to be unhappy about this?

Yeah, I don't see how things have changed.

Well, they have.

This is my decision, and I'm going to take responsibility for it. So I'm going

to law school, but I'm going to pay for it. You know, student loans, part -time

job, whatever it takes.

Wow, you really do want to do this.

More than anything I've wanted to do since this morning.

Kidding.

So, I get a wife who's a lawyer.

And I keep the money in the bank.

Am I the best or what? Oh, we have a great marriage.

Hey, what do you think about us getting a snowmobile?

Bert, wait, wait. I have nothing to say to you.

In case you want to know, I'm not going to Albany.

All right? I know that you can't ever understand what happened, and I know you

don't want to hear the details, so here's the deal.

I think your mom's amazing.

But this whole thing isn't worth losing my best friend.

Really? Yeah.

So I'm going to call your mom and tell her that I can't see her anymore.

You'd do that?

Yeah.

Yeah, and I think what's important is that we...

You know, put all of it behind us and get back to being the way we were.

What do you say?

Bite me.

How

you

feeling?

Great.

Good, because I have a surprise for you.

I begged you.

Please forgive me, muffin.

Oh, beautiful dessert.

Listen, I am so sorry I disappointed you, Berg.

You know what? It's fine. You are the one person I know who only acts out of

good intentions.

Listen, I want to be a good girlfriend.

I want to be there for you. So from now on, if I don't agree with you, I'll lie

right to your face.

Thank you. Was that so much to ask?

We're a team, huh? We are.

Go Bergies!

You're not going to make jerseys, are you? Oh, I have to.

I think I might be full.

I don't feel full.