Original subtitles

Okay, I'm not saying yes.

But tell me again what colors you have.

Ah, I just love having a boyfriend.

Oh, you know, for my first official act as your girlfriend, I'd love to throw

your mother a welcome to Boston party. Sweetie, actually, since this pedicure

so unexpectedly erotic, could you make that your second official act?

Okay, well, maybe a party's too much. A luncheon. A tea. A Boston tea party.

Man, I'm good.

You know what? Fine. If you do that, though, we're going to have to tell Pete

about us. So just come on back down to the real world.

Now, do you think the glitter says sassy or just weird?

Let's tell Pete.

What? I...

Are you sure? Yes. I mean, we've been dating for a full week, sleeping

for several months. I think we're on pretty solid ground.

Well, I'll definitely take a load off of my shoulders. I'm getting pretty tired

of explaining Hello Kitty underwear in the laundry basket.

It just feels right, you know? And the sooner you tell him, the sooner he can

start the healing.

What healing?

Betrayal by the person he thought was his best friend, you goose.

Betrayal? Hold on a second. Look, I didn't betray him, all right?

You had a thing for him, and he didn't have a thing for you.

Yeah, okay, but he's bound to be insulted that you've been lying to him

time. Look, Irene, no offense, okay, but I think I know Pete just a little bit

better than you do, all right? He's going to be just fine.

God, I wish it was sandal weather.

Did you read that?

Do you think that was Burke?

Pete, you drew the shades, you locked the door, he's not getting in unless he

comes down the chimney.

Do you think I should close the flute?

Come here.

You're getting a little scruffy.

Yeah, I'm growing a goatee. All the guys at the firehouse have one. Do you like

it? It's going to be great when it fills in.

I bet you're the manly kind of guy who can do that in a week.

This is ten days.

Well, give it time.

I just love a man with a beard.

You know, Susan, I just want to tell you that I've never been happier.

But I'm really worried. What if Burke found out?

Pete, I raised an understanding and sensitive son.

Once he sees how happy I am, I know he'll be pleased.

And this other son of yours, will he talk to Bird?

Pete,

why is the door locked?

Now he knows the door is locked.

Pete, just stay calm. Everything will be all right.

Hi, Michael.

Mom, why is the door locked?

Well, you know, it's a big city, and I don't feel safe with just Pete in the

house.

It's true. I couldn't save her from an intruder.

I bruise like a peach.

Listen, uh, Pete, I want to talk about what's been going on when I'm not

What? I think we need to have a discussion.

No, I can't because I have to go to the job thing.

Fire.

Okay, did he eat some cake earlier?

Hey, Cher. Do you or Johnny have anything to help grow facial hair?

What for?

It's not very good, is it? It's just, it's not growing in like here and here

here and here and here.

All right, sit down.

I'm going to take such good care of you.

All right.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Karen, come on. I'm not going to wear makeup. How vain do you think I am?

Yeah, you know, I also have some stuff with a puffy eye. Really? I've tried

everything.

I just had an iced tea.

All right, look, I need to talk to you.

First of all, the goatee grew in really fast.

Second of all, I have to ask you something.

How long we been friends, Pete?

I don't know. Yeah, it's been special for me, too.

Look, how would you feel if one of us kept a secret from the other one?

Why would you ask me that?

No reason, but let's just say one of us did something that some people might

consider shocking, and I kept it from you, or you did something shocking and

kept a secret from me. I'm not keeping a secret from you. I'm not saying you

are, but let's just say you are.

Let's say you are. How do you like that?

Well, Pete, there's no need to get defensive. What, now you're accusing me

being defensive?

I'm not. Sounds like you are.

I'm not. Look, everyone has secrets. I don't. I don't. And if you do, just keep

them to yourself.

What? That's right. We may be best friends, but we're also guys. And guys

have to share each and every mushy emotion with each other. All right?

We need boundaries.

Deal? Deal.

Come here.

In here.

Have you seen my cell phone?

Just call yourself, let her ring.

Oh, good idea.

I hope I don't answer. That would freak me out.

Uh, baby, do you have the paper?

In with me. I'm doing the crossword.

I found something better.

I'll talk to you later.

What was that for?

Because I love you.

Hey, Sheriff.

Wow.

You seem cheery this morning. Yeah, it's my husband. He knows how to keep me

very happy.

So what'd you do?

I never know.

Oh, you wanted to see me? Yes, yes.

I have a little thank you present for that very lucrative stock tip you gave

Oh, Johnny.

Oh, my God, this is beautiful.

Yeah, well, it should be. The guy at the yard sale screwed me out of five bucks.

Johnny, this is vintage Chanel. It's got to be worth $500.

$500?

You want it back?

No.

Well, no.

Just, I just wanted to remind you not to tell, you know, Sharon about all the

money I made.

Well, I can't lie to Sharon. She's my friend.

All right, then give me the scarf back.

Then again, Sharon doesn't go with my favorite flat.

Irene, what are you doing here at Thorland?

I'm setting up for the party, slowpoke.

See, I made goodie bags for all our guests commemorating our love.

There are chocolate kisses.

a Bergen -Irene potholder, and a whistle.

Wow, this is great stuff, Irene, but don't you think we should maybe put the

brakes on the party there? I'm just thinking of my mom. She just got

You didn't talk to Pete, did you?

What? I tried. He got so defensive. Yeah, okay. It's because you're

of me, isn't it? Oh, God, Irene, why do you always go there? I mean, I...

don't people see me?

I'm a joke.

A laughing stock.

You know, when I was little, you know what they used to call me?

Judy.

Why?

Why would they call you that?

Because Judy was the class doofus.

And then she moved, little red -headed freak.

Hey, come here. No, no, no.

No one is laughing at you, huh?

Yeah, well, that's sweet of you, Berg. You know, not many people can appreciate

my creative ways of dealing with an unkind world.

I guess I just can't blame you for not telling Pete.

You've got it all wrong, though, because I did tell Pete.

I did.

I did.

And he didn't laugh at all, you know. In fact, he didn't take it very well.

Really? Yes, really.

Really.

Um, really, in fact, you know, if I hadn't been there, I think that he might

have cried.

Gosh, well, I must talk to him. We must talk and clear the air.

Oh, but now he's probably not coming to the party.

Well, he's still coming to the party.

But, you know, I think he's just going to need some space.

Nonsense. He needs comforting.

You know, two potholders for Pete.

God, I hope there's booze at the tea party.

Honey, you dressed for the party?

Come on, baby. You know I only have one pair of pants.

Johnny, help. I can't go to the party like this.

Well, change your shoes.

No, no, no.

The shoes are perfect.

The dress. The dress is too plain. I need something to bring it alive.

And my neck is cold.

accessories. You're fully loaded.

Nothing. Not like a belt, a scarf, necklace, scarf.

No, baby. I think you're beautiful just the way you are.

I found the scarf.

Right there in the back.

You know, I found it. You have to give it to me. That's how the game works.

Well, you know what?

I am...

angry with you for snooping and spoiling your gift that you you may or may not

get this scarf you keep pushing and it's gonna be one in a completely different

color oh

and everyone having a nice time yeah sharon wanted to watch the game but i

no no no let's go to the tea party

Look, let me, Johnny, I don't have time to explain, but can you keep Irene away

from Pete until I get a chance to talk to him?

Why? Oh, right, allow me to take the time to explain.

I told Irene I told Pete about us, and I didn't.

Kids used to call her Judy. Isn't that enough?

Hey, Pearl, I'm sorry, you might live by the lie, all right, but Johnny Donnelly

only speaks the truth.

Sharon? I'll do it.

Pete! you are. Listen, I need to talk to you, okay? And we need to talk right

now. Peter, it is so nice to see you. Oh, you poor, poor thing. Come, let's

down and mend some fences.

Just you and me? All right, let's talk right now. Oh, Irene, I told you, he's

just not ready right now, Sharon.

Um, Irene, some of the goodie bags don't have whistles.

Oh, go, dang it.

Hey, Burke.

Oh, okay, what's with the camera?

Oh, well, it's helpful for capturing those special moments, so when I wake up

tomorrow, I'll know this wasn't just a wonderful dream.

Hey, Ash, I didn't get your RSVP. Oh, well, maybe... Hey, no booty bag!

Hey, Johnny.

You like my scarf? No, no, no, take it off, take it off.

Just, um, Sharon saw the scarf and thought it was for her, so I lied and

her it was.

Oh, my God.

And to think I almost didn't wear it.

So can I have it back, please? Oh, come on, Johnny. Someday we'll look back at

this and laugh.

Especially when we look at these photos.

Hello, everybody.

Hello, Mrs. Bergen. Hello, Pete. Hello, Mom.

Hello, Michael. Hello, Pete. Goodbye, Bert.

Mrs. Bergen, I just want to remind you how fond I am of your son.

My intentions are good, as are my prospects for a full integration into

We need to talk.

Pete, I... So, anyway, there's a whole sea full of fish out there, so buck up.

Oh, boy, you two aren't fighting over me, are you?

No. Yeah.

Jerk.

Anyway, Irene, um, look, my mom seems a little bit lonely over there. Could you

go keep her company? Oh, she misses me. Yeah.

Pete, um... You know, I never really believed that men look for women who

them of their mothers, but, well, hello, it's like looking in a mirror.

Could somebody... Annie, could you please tell me why Peter's avoiding me?

Oh.

He probably doesn't want you to know he's wearing makeup.

So that's why his eyes aren't so puffy.

And that's why his goatee grew in overnight.

Hey, let me butch up those eyebrows for you.

Boy, it's ugly.

Well, it looks like party's over. Come on, sweetie, let's go.

No, no, no, Johnny, wait, wait. Ash, where'd you get that scarf?

Johnny gave it to me.

What?

Yeah, he gave it to me as a thank you for the stock tip that I gave to you.

Right. He gave you an expensive scarf for a stock tip that made him 20 bucks?

Yeah, I know. That doesn't sound like me.

20 bucks? Johnny, I thought you said you made $90 ,000.

What?

Good news, honey. We're rich.

Hey, Johnny.

Speak your truth, man.

Are you all right? Oh, perfect, perfect. Let's avoid suspicion by hanging out in

my room.

Pete, you need to relax. Relax, relax. How do you expect me to relax?

All right, I'll kiss, but I will not relax.

Don't toy with me.

Is this some kind of cruel joke?

Do we really have $90 ,000?

Okay, it's not $90 ,000.

It's barely $89 ,432.

So it's true?

We're rich?

Yeah.

I know why you're avoiding me.

You do? Yes, I do. And you're not going anywhere until we clear the air right

here.

Why is everyone staring at me?

Did I miss something?

Not the big finish.

What's that?

What's what?

What's your face? What's your face?

Are those, are those punch marks?

Michael, I never told you this before, but I'm very hairy and I haven't had a

moment to bleach.

Sharon told me about the eyebrow pencil.

Sharon? You're partly the issue right now.

Your goatee rubbed off and made a perfect little goatee on my mother.

I mean, that's... That's just... Why was your face rubbing my mother's feet?

All right, all right.

All right, if you... Just let me explain.

I can't explain.

I knew you had trouble getting women for the suit on my mother.

Do! Have you seen...

for keeping his romantic secret when it took you until today to tell him about

our affair.

What affair?

What affair?

Berg, you didn't talk to him, did you?

Could we please talk about this when my life isn't falling apart?

Pete, Berg and I are lovers 48 times over.

If the two of you were sleeping together, I think we'd all know about

knew. I knew. I knew. Even I knew.

No, I'm not mad. I'm humiliated. How could you do that? And would you please

wipe off the rest of that mustache?

I was lonely.

Pete was too.

It was two people finding each other.

Now, I would understand you being upset if it was purely sexual, but... Mm -hmm.

I'm listening.

Mm -hmm.

What is so awful about me being happy?

Well, there's nothing awful about you being happy. It's you being happy with

my...

Honey, that's why we kept it a secret.

We kept it a secret because he knew it was wrong.

I'm sorry if I hurt you, but I'm not going to apologize for what happened

between Pete and me.

And I guess there's nothing left to say.

I want you to know that I had my toes done for this party.

I guess I should have told you the pencil wasn't much proof.

You think?

Don, I've never seen Berg this mad. He'll calm down.

You know, he's been through a big shock.

I'm telling you, I'm never keeping a secret from a friend again.

You know, no matter how painful the truth might be, it's always more painful

keeping the truth from someone you love.

Yeah, I think you're right.

Yeah, buddy.

I'd burn down your house.

And, uh... And, uh... Can you see the

struggle?

Uh -huh, yes.

Stay there.

It's good. I'm milking, okay?