Original subtitles

What a terrible day. Thanks for coming to my rescue, Michael. Hey, you know

what? Look, I'm just glad that I could repay you all.

Now we're even from when I wet the bed at Jason Gelati's sleepover.

What happened to all the gentlemen?

You know what? The problem with gentlemen is that they tend to meet

gentlemen.

Holy May December!

So, how you been?

Pretty damn good.

Cut the ribbon, Berg. Who is she and what's she doing in your apartment?

Wouldn't you like to know?

That's why I think I have a right to know. Well, file a complaint with the I

Blew My Shot with Berg Committee and we'll review it.

In the meantime, there's a lady inside who thinks I have the cutest little

tushy.

Oh, hey, Mrs. Bergen. Hi.

What are you doing?

Huh? I'm just looking for the stapler.

I split my pants.

Well, don't you have another pair?

Yeah, yeah.

I split those, too.

Oh, well, come over here. I have a travel kit. I'll fill them for you. Oh.

Really? Oh, great. That would be great. But could you hurry up? Because Captain

Shaw's waiting in the fire truck.

Thanks.

Take them off, Peter.

Oh, right. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

So how did it happen anyway?

It was my own fault, really.

You know, when I was dating Marty, I had them taken in to show off my butt.

So what happened to Marty?

Well, she ran away and my pants were too tight to run after her.

Listen. bergen i really really appreciate that my pleasure so was it

getting over marty sort of sort of you know they say it takes half the length

the relationship to put it behind you so you know by thursday next week i'll be

fine

wow

i'd hate to follow you up the ladder

Oh, is that the last of the Marty butt pets?

No, I still have the cords.

Let's move it, Alice.

Oh, that's Captain Shaw, and he sounds mad.

Okay, you put these on. I'll tell him you'll be out in a minute. Thank you.

Done now.

Get your butt out here.

Get the light on.

I'm sorry.

Forgive the salty language. I was looking for... I'm Captain Shaw.

It's nice to meet you, Captain. I'm Susan. Oh, you don't have to call me

Captain. Call me Felix.

Felix.

Mom, why didn't you name me Felix?

Pete will be out in a minute.

Oh, no hurry.

Where's the fire?

So, do you live here in town, or are you just visiting with your husband?

Oh, no, I don't have a husband. I have an ex.

At least until he, um, started his car.

Actually, we're divorced.

Oh, that's nice.

Not nice, of course.

My wife died.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Recently?

I think so.

Hey, Felix.

You want to take my mom out?

Michael? Hey, come on.

Seems like a nice guy. Come on, don't be shy, we say, huh? Actually, my Elks

Lodge is having a mixer this Saturday, if anybody hasn't already asked you.

Well, if you don't go, I will.

So, you should probably go.

Okay, sweetie. Sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet. Come here.

Tell me what you notice different.

A new sweater.

No, I bought this yesterday.

Okay.

But I'll give you a hint.

It is in the kitchen.

Did you cook dinner?

No, sweetie, of course not.

But if I did, I'd wash the dishes in this fabulous new dishwasher.

Oh, what? I don't understand. Why do we need a dishwasher?

No, just last Christmas. I got you the sponge where you put the soap in the

handle.

We have $25 ,000 from the insurance money.

Ellen, not a good time. Tell me what?

I've got a great stock hit for you. Okay, sorry.

Not our thing. Well, just hear out.

I mean, why can't we make our money work for us?

Why can't we make the soap handle miracle sponge work for us?

I'm telling you, this stock... is going to skyrocket. When I was at the

hospital, I met the CEO of a company called Systems Industries.

They're going to merge with Alka Chemicals.

And what, what, he just told you like that?

Well, he kind of yelled it out when they zapped him with the paddle.

How much is it per share?

$24.

All right, we'll take one.

One share?

So, um...

Can you do that right away, or do you have to move some stuff around overseas?

We'll take one.

Maybe if it does all right, we'll buy another one. I'll call my broker right

now.

Come on, Ash. Let's get going.

Johnny's about to open his wallet, and he doesn't want us to see the

combination.

Hey, Irene. I guess you didn't catch the weather forecast.

calling for winter.

What are you doing out here? What does it look like?

Just take care.

And the camouflage?

Your new woman hasn't left all night.

Well, can you blame her? It's 20 degrees out. Why don't you wait in the hall?

Oh, and Mr. Sneaking out the window? Yeah, clearly you've never stopped

so shh.

Okay, all right.

I'm starting to feel bad about this. Okay, look, that woman that spent the

night, that's my mother.

Okay, that's disgusting.

No,

I was just trying to make you jealous.

Well, nice try.

Okay, all right, look, cut.

Let's cut the bull, all right? Look, I... God, I mean, I want us to be

and I think, I think that... I think that you do, too.

Well, you know I do.

I've been up all night.

My stomach's in my heart. My heart's in my throat. My snot's frozen solid.

Kiss me.

Berg, I am so happy. Me too. Okay, let's go meet your mom. I hope she likes to

be tickled.

I'm sorry. What?

Gosh, I should probably bring a gift.

Okay. Okay, all right, Irene.

Why? I really just don't think that right now is a good time to meet, Mom.

Why? Well, because, you know... Okay, let's just go upstairs and say quick

-do. Yes, we could, but you know how important first impressions are. I mean,

you don't want to rush that, right? Hey, why don't you take the weekend?

You know what? You're right. Yeah. I am going to make this special. Okay. This

is one boyfriend's mother who is not going to ban me from the house.

Hey, girlfriend.

Hey, boyfriend.

Huh? I'm just going to get rid of that right there. Oh, okay.

Oh, no.

Bertie, you can't use those to zip up your dress.

No, we use that to get the hair out of the thing.

You're my savior. Can you help me? My zipper's stuck.

Yeah. I will zip that.

Okay, there we go. All zip, zip, zip, zippity -doo -dah.

Thank you.

Well, I'm looking forward to the mixer at the Elks Lodge.

I wouldn't be.

And your Captain Shaw seems to be a very, very nice man. The terrific guy.

Oh, my God. What if he wants me to wear antlers?

Strap you to the hood of the car and drive you home.

Hey, look, I know it's hard getting back into the dating world, but I promise

eventually you're going to meet somebody who's going to make you laugh and feel

happy again.

Thanks. And you will, too. Oh, yeah, right. Have someone else thump all over

heart? I don't think so.

Don't talk like that. You're a wonderful man.

Come on, you're just being nice.

I'm not.

You just need someone who appreciates how bright and sensitive and funny you

are. Whatever woman gets you will be very lucky.

Oh, my God!

My God!

What was I thinking?

I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot.

Hey, look what I found, and he brought me candy.

These are for you.

Oh, jeez. What a pistol.

I got to go. I'm late for something. Good night.

These are for you.

Thank you, Felix.

Look at you two.

I'm going to go call my friends. I got a new dad.

Oh.

It's a better load.

that dishwasher.

Cute.

Oh, wow. Look at that. That stock that Ashley told us about has really gone

down.

Damn it. These dishes are just slippery.

Thank God you were too chicken to buy more than one share. If it were up to

I would have put all our money into that thing.

Yeah, that would have been pretty dumb.

I have to go to the store to get some coffee for the morning. Is there

else that we need? No.

Just coffee.

Now get that cheap kind. That's my favorite.

Actually, when you get home, when you get down here, it's Johnny.

Boy, I hope this isn't an aneurysm.

You're working overtime again.

You've been here for two days.

The fire's been around for 10 billion years. I got a lot of catching up to do.

Attaboy. I like your attitude.

So what do you hear from the angel from Albany these days?

Mrs. Bergen? Gee, you know, I haven't really seen her. I had to get out of the

house.

You know, because it was Felix this and Felix that. I mean, I like you, sir, but

how much can a guy take?

You know, there's something about that girl.

It makes me feel young again.

Oh, enough said.

If anybody asks for me, I'll be in the office going a few rounds with the old

roller.

Make me a meatball sandwich, will you, Pete?

Hey, but sir, don't go too long on that ab roller, or else it'll be less of you

to love.

Oh, my God.

I'll have one of those.

Mrs. Bergen, hey.

Listen, I'll get the captain if you'd like. He's in his office.

No, I want to talk to you. Pete, I know why you haven't been home.

Yeah, yeah, I'm just breaking in the old overtime.

No, you don't want to see me.

No, no, no, no. It's not that I don't want to see you. It's just that I wish I

was never born.

Look, I'm just... I'm really embarrassed about the other night. I was completely

out of line. Please accept my apology.

You don't owe me an apology.

I owe you one. No, no, it was me.

Believe me, I had no business trying to kiss you.

So why did you?

I don't know, you know.

God, you looked so beautiful and you smelled so nice.

You know, not that I'm in the habit of smelling my friend's mom.

Although I always like the smell of my friend Ricky Peck's mom. She smelled

lasagna.

You're the first man I've felt comfortable around since the divorce.

Yeah, well, you're the first woman to get my pants off since Marty.

Now, see, you make me laugh.

I wanted you to kiss me, but I was scared.

Um, okay. I've been really bad at reading signals lately.

So, is this a good one?

Very.

Fourteen. That's a record.

Susan.

Hi.

There he is. You wanted to see him, and there he is.

Hi, Keelan.

You took me up on a tour of the station, huh?

Yes.

Let's see.

This is the kitchen. I bet you knew that.

This is the garage, of course. And that's the pole.

It's for down.

We use the stairs.

It's for up.

There

you

are. Where have you been?

How dare you talk to me like I'm your wife.

Have you seen the business section?

Huh? Our stock is down a dollar. Not a dollar. Two dollars. That's twice that.

Two times one. That's two.

And it's all your fault.

Here, Johnny. Here is your $2. Your retirement fund is now intact.

You don't understand.

I sank everything we had into that stock.

Huh. Well, I'm no economist, but that was stupid.

Why would you do that?

I wanted to show Sharon that I'm a good provider. I wanted to put a big pile of

money in front of her and say, here, here's a big pile of money I made for

Well, the good news is now she can't take anything from you in the divorce.

No, wait, I just... I have a plan.

I want you to kill me.

Ooh, I'd love to.

But first, why don't you check the financial channel?

The merger went through. You doubled your money.

What? I... You... Wait a second. Are you screwing with me?

I was before, and it was fun.

But now I'm not.

You're a rich man, Johnny, and all thanks to who?

You!

You!

You!

Why the happy dance?

Johnny's stock went up.

Oh, boy, now we can send our kids to public school.

No, just, okay, just one long Ashley.

Why don't you tell her about the money?

I was buying this guy fantasy money. No, no, she's not touching any of this.

You going to a wedding?

I hope.

No, I just wanted to look my very best when I met your mom.

Oh, rats, dadgummit, all the heck, she's not here.

Okay, well, I'll just wait.

Ah, yeah, you know what?

She is going to be gone all day, and you should go hang up that dress. You know,

you don't want to de -poof that.

Oh, all right. Well, maybe some other time. Yeah. Huh?

Yeah.

just about to introduce you.

Oh, my God.

You're embarrassed by me.

What? No, how... Hey, how could you say that? Let's talk about this in your

apartment. Oh, you are.

That's why you never told anyone about us.

No. Yes, I kept it a secret because I didn't want Pete to know.

But you kept it a secret because you're ashamed of me. No, Irene, that... No,

that's just... Holy smokes, what?

Berg, if you can't even introduce me to your mother, then I really don't see

much of a future for us. Oh, come on.

Hey.

Where are you going?

Oh, honey, I need to go home. I need to be alone for a while.

What? I thought the reason that you came here was because you didn't want to be

alone. Look, if it's...

It's because things didn't work out with Captain Shaw. Don't give up, okay?

Because you're going to meet someone.

Actually, I may have.

You did?

Well, that's great, right?

Not really.

It's kind of an awkward situation.

I'm worried about what people might think.

I'm worried about what you might think.

No.

Well, who is it?

No, I'd rather not. Okay, you know what? That's fine. You know what?

You don't need to tell me, okay?

It's not a woman, is it?

Well, did the guy make you happy?

Yes.

Okay, well, then who cares what I think? Because, you know, growing up, you

always said, whatever makes you happy, you go for it.

But, honey, I was talking about the figure skating.

That's a bad example.

But good advice. Can you wait here for a second?

Mom, I'd like to introduce you to what makes me happy.

This is my girlfriend, Irene. Irene, this is my mom, Susan.

We were lovers for some time. At first, nothing serious. Just sex.

And we don't care who knows. Except Pete. Don't tell Pete.

Pete? Don't be silly. Why would I tell Pete?

Tell me what?

Oh, about the surprise party we're planning for you. Oops!

Oh, well, there's always next year.

Oops again!

Are you leaving?

Oh, no, no, no. She was going to leave because she thought I wouldn't approve

the new man in her life.

Oh, God. I gave her my blessing.

Really?

Yeah.

That's great.

That's great.

Yes, and he didn't even want to know who it is. Way to go, Mrs. B.

I've never been happier, but I'm really worried. What if Bert finds out?

Pete, I raised an understanding and sensitive son.

And this other son of yours, will he talk to Bert?

I came in a figure from you. I'm not saying you are.

But, uh, let's just say you are.

You're trying to trick me into admitting something. Pete, please.

I'm his mother, and frankly, he's not that clever.

You're fine.