Original subtitles

Oh, this picture's from my senior year. You can tell because my cats are wearing

graduation caps.

High school must have been really tough for you, huh?

Not really. I was homeschooled. Class president.

What about you, huh? You were probably Mr. Hottie Boddie, captain of the

football team.

Hey, whoa, what do I look like, a dumb jock?

No, I was, uh, I was captain of the flag corps.

You were on drill team? Flag corps, drill teams for geeks.

Listen, um... Irene, I hope this doesn't sound too hokey, but, you know, I

like... I like being with you.

Even when one of us isn't on top.

Yeah.

I love this in -between time, too.

Irene, have you ever thought about... about taking what we have in here and

seeing if it works in front of other people?

Bert, I'm not having a second count of public indecency on my record.

No,

no, no, no, no. I mean... I mean, like a date.

Let me take you to Carlos tomorrow night, you and me, for dinner. What do

say, huh? Like a real couple.

Well,

I never thought of myself as the kind of girl who'd be coupled with a handsome

doctor. Oh, it's bringing up a lot of esteem issues.

Hey. Hey, baby.

What are you doing?

Working on my resume.

Hey, Cher, where did you go to school again?

Oh, tough.

Go Jumbo's.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

M -I -T.

Okay, all done.

I am going to go to the copy store in the morning, so meet me at 9 a .m., and

we'll start pounding the pavement.

So you're letting Ashley help you find a job?

Yeah, we're just helping each other out. I need work. She needs a friend.

Really need a job that bad?

Oh, while you're out tomorrow, I can take your car into the shop.

You don't need to. Ashley took it to her mechanic.

Oh, great. Two women and a mechanic? What's that going to cost me?

Nothing. He did it for free. In exchange, Ashley checked a mole on his

I was going to handle that.

Jotty, I don't think you know a lot about moles.

Hey. Hey, what are you all dressed up for? You got a hot date?

Maybe. Just so happens that the ex is coming over to get a sweater that she

conveniently forgot here.

I think you know what that means.

Absolutely. It means I was justified in giving it to her.

What? What do you mean you gave it to her?

Okay, well, she asked for it. I picked it up and went like this.

and handed it to her.

Fairly simple exchange, really.

Did she say anything?

Yeah, she said to tell Pete thanks.

She said that?

Yeah, well... Not the tell Pete part.

I can't believe I missed her. And can you believe it by only like five

Marty!

She didn't see me.

Peter Dunville, when are you going to find a woman who appreciates you for the

remarkable man that you are?

Stop it.

needs to make a man like you feel special.

It's been so long, I think I've forgotten how special I am.

Oh, chin up, my godlike friend.

Thanks, Irene.

Uh, wait, Pete, I'm usually not this forward, but since you're so down and

vulnerable, I've got a reservation for two tonight at Carlos.

Would you care to join me?

Why do you have a reservation for two?

It sounds too pathetic.

So I make it for two.

And then when I get there, I pretend I was stood up.

Wait, Pete.

Look,

Irene, it's just... I don't think I'd make good company tonight, so... You

be bound and gagged and you'd be good company.

You're picturing that, aren't you?

to eat her.

Please.

All right, you know what?

What the hell? I have nothing else better to do. You say all the right

All right.

Catch her?

No, no.

Strangely enough, I have a date with Irene tonight.

What? I mean, what?

I just bumped into her.

But you can't go out with her.

Why not?

She picks on the greatest guy in the world. I could use some of that right

Hey, hey, no, no, no, no. Don't go. Don't. Pete.

Come on. This is only going to end into that, Turk, you know? I mean, for you.

It's just another night out. But for Irene, it's everything she's ever hoped

wished for.

You're her Malibu Barbie camper, Pete.

I think I'm going to go.

I'm glad you're here.

I'm not going to be able to make our date tonight. Because you're going out

Pete. It's me telling everyone, too.

Irene,

you and I had a date, remember, to see if we were a couple.

Yeah, sure, but I need to see if Pete and I are a couple first.

So hang in there, buddy.

Our apartment mascot.

Surprise. Yeah.

Well, if you'll excuse us, Ashley, I just came home early to take my wife out

dinner. Oh, baby, I'm sorry. I thought you were going to be working on the

house. I already made plans with Ashley.

Well, I'll just... I'll get changed, so I'll come with you. Oh, gosh, sorry.

It's an impossible restaurant to get into. I could barely get reservations

two.

Well, let me guess.

It's one of those restaurants where the waiters are rude, the portions are

small, and they make you wear long pants.

And you use the forks for eating, not scratching.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay. Why don't we go to a place where we can all eat together,

Huh?

Please? Ow.

Fine. All right.

So, where do you want to go?

Oh. You decide.

How about Morty's?

Think again.

I thought you said you didn't care.

I don't. Just choose the place I like.

Oh, pasta village. Think again.

Where are you going? Well, this could take a while.

Oh, hey, Ashley. What's up? I am about to embark on the most boring evening of

my life. Oh, not me. I'm going to Carlos on a date with Pete.

that, my night got more interesting.

Hey, bachelor number one.

Now, I know it's bad luck to see me before evening out, but I couldn't wait

give you this.

What is it?

It's a plaque commemorating our date tonight.

I have to put this on my date plaque wall.

Great. Okay, I'm off to get a corn removed.

I'm wearing open -toed sandals.

What you got there?

Huh? Oh, oh, well, at first glance, it's a date plaque.

There's no such thing.

It's a piece of wood screaming, Danger!

Danger!

Calm down.

Calm down. All right, you know what?

I'm going to go cancel for you. And listen, I might need to comfort her so

could take up to seven minutes.

No, no, no, no, no. Bird, you can't cancel. She'll flip out. It's the second

thing they teach you in lunatic school.

What's the first?

Plex!

I don't want to be alone with her.

I'm afraid.

All right, listen.

You need somebody to watch your back, so I'll go.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Pete, I don't... I don't think this is wood. I think this is bone.

We leave in an hour. Dress nice.

Cozy? Yes, who knew someone with no butt could take up so much room?

Rain, Berg has a butt. He just wears really tight underwear.

What's this?

Hey, guys, what are you doing? Irene and Pete are on a date, and Berg's with

them. How interesting.

Listen, why don't you guys join us? There's lots of room. Irene, scooch

Oh, wait, excuse me. Can I have a little powwow with the girls? I need some

advice.

What can we do for you? Okay, clear out, slut coven.

Excuse me? You heard me. This is my party.

You're not on the list.

Okay, well, enjoy your dinner.

Okay, if you guys take Ashley, I'll pay for your salads.

She just called you a limp newly. Are you going to take that?

I know. Let me read your palm.

What?

Do you know what this says? That I'm uncomfortable because I'm uncomfortable.

I don't want to do that. I mean, he doesn't want to do this. We should just

It says that you just got your heart broken by someone you cared for very

But the good news is you have a willing heart.

That means you can fall in love again.

I see lots of happiness for you, Pete Dunville.

Thanks, Irene.

Hey, I hope you find a lot of happiness, too.

Excuse me.

It's a breadstick.

You see that line right there?

It's your tickle line. No, there's no such thing as a tickle line.

Can you get me a Chardonnay? I'd make that too, buddy.

You guys, I'm going to go wash my hands. Will you order something for me to

drink? Sure, what would you like?

I don't care. Whatever you guys are having.

Okay. A round of beers. Since we're being fancy, we'll have them in a glass.

Johnny, I think Sharon would like a vodka stinger. Okay.

I know what's best for my wife. God, would you listen to you? Just because

you're the husband doesn't mean you can decide for her. She's a grown -up. Other

people can make her decisions, too.

Okay, so what did I decide? Well, anything but a vodka stinger.

ever even heard of a tickle line because I haven't. I'm a doctor.

How did you stand being around Ashley? She let me sleep with her.

Can I get a beer, please?

So, um, what's with Pete? Did you tell him about you and Irene sleeping

together? No.

I didn't want to ruin their date.

You know, I always thought you and Irene made a better match.

Really?

Yeah. I mean...

No matter how weird you act or how big an ass you make of yourself, she doesn't

seem to bother.

You know, I never thought of it that way.

Then again, what do I know?

My wife's on a date with another woman.

Sweet.

And Marty always said my eyes were blue. They're not blue. No, they're hazel.

That's right, that's right. Well, sometimes they're green, depending on

wearing.

Hey, Pete, you know, I was thinking that you and... You and Marty made a really

good couple together, you know?

Maybe you should go give her a call, see if you can work things out.

Bird, why don't you take your third wheel self and roll on home?

Hey, Pete invited me, so you're the third wheel.

Bird, it's cool. I got it covered. You could go.

Are you sure? I thought you didn't want to be alone with the, uh, the... Una

-tick -lay?

What are you saying?

He doesn't understand egg pay at and lay.

Seriously, guys, what are you guys talking about?

Look, Pete, don't make me say it in front of Irene, okay? Say what? He's

frightened of you, all right? He only dragged me here because he was scared to

sit alone at a table with you.

Now, when you're done stroking his ego, he's going to throw you away, just like

he threw away that plaque you gave him.

Is that true?

Um...

I think so, but again, I'm not really clear on that.

How the hell would you do that?

Well,

Ashley, I'm no more happy to see you, but at least I'm a little buzzed.

Ashley was just telling me about a non -profit that's looking for a director.

Yeah, and right after we meet with them, you can sign up for my yoga class. It's

a great way to relieve stress.

Or... We could eliminate the cause of stress.

What are you talking about?

This doesn't concern you, honey. See, I am the husband, and I will take care of

everything. Really? What do you know about corporate headhunting?

You're talking about me. Okay, fine. You can take care of the job, okay? I will

take care of stress.

Stress, diet, and anything in the home.

Okay, wait a second. What does that leave for me? Well, girly things like

manicures. Okay, dancing.

Fine, but then I'm going to have to... Guys, guys, guys, come on. It's not like

I'm helpless or anything.

Yes, you are.

Come on. I can take care of myself.

No, no, of course you can, honey. You just don't.

Wait, what are you talking about? I've been looking for a job all week. Well,

actually, I've been looking for your job.

Really? Well, I've only been letting you help me because you have nothing better

to do.

What?

Wait, you... You think I need to fix your problems in order to avoid thinking

about my life and how empty and awful and pathetic it's become, and I'm going

go get drunk?

Good riddance.

Don't you worry, honey. I will drive you to yoga tomorrow.

From now on, I'm making my own decisions, finding my own jobs. I'm

control of my life.

Does this mean you're going to pay for dinner? Yes. How does that work? Do they

bill us?

Irene, I'm sorry.

Irene, would you please come out?

Was it story time in the ladies' room?

I had to bounce some ideas off them.

Irene, Irene, stop.

Listen, I know you've been nothing but sweet to me, okay? And I took advantage

of that, and I'm sorry.

Oh, no. I mean, I have to take some of the blame for our failed romance.

I mean, I went about it all wrong. What with the constant calling, the

serenades, those nights I slept under your bed.

What?

See, we're all on a journey, Pete.

And because mine brought me to you, I thought you were my destiny.

You slept under my bed?

See?

See, it's always about Pete.

That's our problem.

You realize you haven't once asked me tonight how I am.

Oh.

How are you, Irene?

I'm good.

In fact, I'm better than ever.

My Pete buzz has finally worn off.

I finally see you're not the answer to all my prayers.

Oh, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but Pete Dunville,

I'm breaking up with you.

I can honestly say I didn't see this coming.

All right.

Now's not the time for anger.

Let's just say one sweet goodbye and continue

on our journey.

How about a handshake and I go get a beer? Godspeed.

All right.

Hey. How you doing?

Can you take me home, please?

Yeah. Can you sit down just for a second, though?

Hey, look, Irene, I'm sorry for the way I acted. When I saw you with Pete, I got

jealous. Can we go? No, I'm not finished yet.

You remember that secret I told you?

You mean the squeeze technique?

Flag core.

Well, I never told anyone that before, and I think I told you because you're

different. If I had a dime.

No,

Irene, it's just that I'm so comfortable around you. You know, I feel like I can

let my guard down, me myself.

And I know that you won't judge or hurt me for it, and it's because you're kind,

Irene. You're kind and giving, and that means something.

I think that means that maybe there's more to our relationship than just sex.

what do you say, huh?

You want to try being a couple?

Bird, please don't pressure me. I just broke up with Pete.

Can I get a beer?

Hey, where's your date?

She dumped me.

And after all those nights, she slept under my bed.

I'd make a comment, but I just got blown off by a married couple.

Maybe it's your destiny.

What?

I don't know. It was something Irene was blathering about.

We're all on this journey to find that special someone.

Blah, blah, blah.

What?

Nothing. I just think you two make a nice -looking couple.

Blah, blah.