Original subtitles

Tonight, you be the Russian gymnast, and I'll be the Olympic judge.

And if you want a perfect score, well, I'm corruptible. Oh, that sounds great.

But, oh, I've got an idea. How about I be a gymnast, and you be Pete?

You mean, like, a fireman? Yeah, exactly.

Fireman Pete.

Hey, look, if you want to be with Pete so badly, why not go for the real thing?

You're such a genius.

Except that Pete would never cheat on Marty. Well, he wouldn't be cheating

because they just broke up.

Get out. No, really.

Really, they just broke up. No, no, get out.

Now, I have to be alone to think and to plan.

Okay, all right, fine, fine. I'll be fireman Pete. Hello.

I'm here to save you from the fire.

Yeah, it's over. Deal with it.

But hey, you did keep my engine running. And for that, I thank you.

So there I was. I told my sex buddy, deal with it. It's over.

Do you think Marty's at home?

Talking to her friends about how to dump me?

Uh, no.

She's with Nomar Garfield Park.

Forgotten all about you.

Let's go!

Very good, Johnny, but the adults are talking.

You know, Bert, I didn't make fun of you when Ashley started dating no more.

Yeah, you did.

Well, not in front of you, and I think that's the difference.

Would you stop playing with your wedding ring?

Sorry, Matt.

Ring's uncomfortable, you know. I'm not used to wearing it yet.

Yeah, it takes a while for a dog to get used to his collar, too.

Man, that hurts coming from two single guys in their kitchen on a Friday night.

Is it Friday night again?

What happened to us, huh? You know, we used to go out to clubs and meet

beautiful women every night.

No, we didn't.

We used to go out to clubs.

Sometimes there'd be women there.

Pete, come on.

Let's go out tonight, huh? Let's go out to a club. What do you say? It'll be

good to get out of the kitchen.

Nah, I'm just gonna stay here with Johnny.

Yeah, sounds good to me.

Contemplating a torrid affair with a sweaty construction worker.

Well, you better make it that one, because how loud is it?

I know. I've been trying to get his attention all week.

I'm not wearing a bra.

Or you could try talking to him. Oh, no, no, no, no. I couldn't do that. I

wouldn't know what to say.

You have a crush on me?

Sort of.

This is kind of embarrassing.

I'm not usually attracted to men with menial jobs.

Excuse me? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's just that I like intelligent people

and you just don't usually find them on road trips.

to love that I was honest.

Maybe you should just try being nice.

Hey, I was smiling. Not the thing.

Look, it doesn't matter how much the hangman smiles, you still wind up dead.

Wow. Oh, don't you look smashing.

Thanks.

You look nice too, Berg.

Thanks.

I just want you to know how very, very, very sorry I was to hear that you and

Marty have parted ways.

Oh, thanks, Irene. It's been kind of tough. May she die a painful, early

So, Irene, you think I look nice, huh?

Anyway... If you ever need a shoulder to cry on or, you know, a brain to

interact with instead of an empty head...

I appreciate it. I really do. But I don't want to mislead you. Breaking up

Marty doesn't mean that we'll ever get together. I mean, you're just my

and almost a friend.

It's good enough for me.

Irene!

Irene!

Do you remember the two -foot rule?

Pete, Johnny's waiting.

Hey, Berg, can I talk to you alone for a second?

Yeah.

What?

Pete's not ready to commit, so you're back in.

Forget it, Irene. What we had was cheap and meaningless, and you just threw that

away.

Yes, you're right.

I'm a wasteful little wench, and I need to be punished.

Stop it. I'll see you tonight.

I'm not coming home. Oh, that's right, baby.

Punish me.

lose the fanny pack hey hey where you taking my guy oh we're uh we're going to

that new club the line only the real cool people know about it oh pete don't

tell me you're stealing cool people's mail again you know what it sounds like

somebody's jealous that her husband's going out with a couple of chick magnets

going out in the party pants, but now you're just gonna have to suffer.

out at seven o 'clock anymore.

Good evening, sir.

Are you on the list?

Uh, well, if you're, uh, referring to Boston's most eligible, then, uh, no,

I'm not.

Well, it's early. I guess you guys will come in anyway. All right.

20 bucks each. Oh, $20.

That, that, that's fine.

That's fine. Oh, is that like a permanent membership?

Is that clue -free drinks?

Drinks are $6.

$6? $6?

$6 for a drink? What a scam.

No, I know a great place. We can go get some cheap beers.

Come back here. We won't have to drink. They won't know what hit them.

Yeah, that makes sense. Sounds good. You guys coming in? No, um, we forgot our

condoms.

This place great or what? I got all this for two bucks.

Oh, yeah.

If only the babes we're going to meet tonight could see us now, huh?

Johnny, Johnny, you put onions in our hot dog.

So what's the big deal?

We're going to be hooking up with beautiful women tonight. I mean, how

Sharon feel about kissing you with onion breasts?

Because she hates it.

Hey, John. Are you having a couple of curb breads with pretty cold brevettis?

I don't even want to comment.

I'm getting kind of excited, though. You know, you and me back on the prowl. No,

you know, it's been a while since we've had to charm the ladies.

The boys of Boston are back.

Hello. Huh?

Cop, cop, cop.

Uh, my bad. It's a taxi.

I hate these meat markets.

Come on, Ash. I need to find Johnny.

Yeah, but look at that guy. I mean, do you think he actually looked in the

mirror tonight and said, the mesh tank top.

Yeah.

You know, this could be a good chance for you to practice tonight, Ashley.

Fine.

Nice nipple ring.

Are you on the guest list?

Uh, no, but you see, my husband left his wedding ring at home when he came here,

so I'm just going to go in, kill him, and then we're out.

Well, you look hot, what the heck. Thank you.

What about my friend here?

Here's how a person can come in, too.

Hey, it's a long line. This is a hot club.

Nipple ring, nice.

You know, I was going to get one of those. Instead, I went for the watch.

Guys, guys, you better let me do the talking, all right? All right, you know

what, German? Look, the last time you said anything, we lost three beers, all

right? Just lay low. We'll take care of you.

Hi there.

Hey, remember us?

Sure, you were here when you could have gotten in.

That's a good one, man. Do not touch the room.

Man, you never touch the rope.

All right, all right, all right. You know what? Let me handle this.

Hi.

Major League Baseball fan?

Yeah. Red Sox shortstop, Nomar Garcia -Para?

Heard of him?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, here's the thing.

My girlfriend dumped me for him, so...

You've got a lot to learn about name dropping.

Why don't you just let us in, huh? What do you say?

Are you with him?

No, Jim.

Come on.

Too bad. Come on in, Jim.

Man, you've got to have the thread.

Sheriff, we're never going to find Johnny. Let's just get out of here.

No, I'm not leaving until I find him and ram this symbol of our love down his

throat.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, I think that guy's headed my way. Okay, okay,

remember? Nice.

Hey, excuse me.

Oh, you don't have to apologize. I noticed you, too.

I'm kind of in a hurry.

Oh, Tiger, buy me a drink first.

Lady, move.

Do you have any other humiliating suggestions?

Try not to act so desperate.

Yeah, but I want to meet a man.

You're just a little tight.

Yes, of course I'm uptight.

I'm uncomfortable. How would you feel if you were at the bar and nobody noticed

you? Okay, okay, you want to be noticed?

All right, then come on.

Where are we going? We're going to dance. No, no, I don't really do that.

I don't really care.

I do, okay?

Okay, that's great.

Let's just try it without the board up your butt.

Sorry, I told you, I don't really dance.

We're drinking in a gutter.

I don't know. You know?

Having a good time with my buddy. Sitting back.

Enjoying a few.

Having some laughs.

Gentlemen, to a perfect evening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Forget about it.

Ew. Ew. Ew, ew, ew, ew.

There's a bandage in my hot...

Throw this away. Oh, no!

Hey, hey, hey, don't throw it out.

Break off the end.

Boy, you are having a good night.

It ain't over yet.

After this, I get to go home to my gorgeous wife. And if I play my cards

she'll let me play with... my ring.

I lost my ring. She's gonna kill me.

Aren't you glad you don't have to go home to somebody waiting there to tear

head off?

Not really.

Me neither.

Let's go home. Yeah.

sell them to a telemarketer.

Wait a second. I thought you wanted guys fawning all over you.

Yeah, I thought I did, too. But then, as I was writhing around on that beer

-soaked dance floor, I realized Mr.

Wright probably wasn't one of the guys hooting at me and yelling at me to take

off my top.

You're not going to find Mr. Wright in some club.

I mean, all those guys are so desperate and lonely.

You need to find a guy who's got some character, who's strong enough to

withstand the constant nagging.

No, there just aren't a lot of Johnnies out there.

You're so lucky.

Well, you probably want to get down there and kill him.

Got that right. Good night.

Honey.

Thank God you're home.

There was three of them and they jumped me and they didn't want my watch or my

wallet. They just wanted my wedding ring.

Oh, thank God you bought it back.

Oh. Honey.

That is so nice.

I was worried that you went out.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. To find you.

But then Ashley and I wound up dancing with like 50 guys.

You know, I'd forgotten how single guys keep themselves in such good shape.

Boy, it was fun.

And I would have never gone out had you not forgotten your wedding ring.

You know what?

I think I'm gonna wear this thing from now on.

Okay, that's okay. I trust you. I mean, look. Half those guys were married.

Hey, look at that.

Huh? Let me dress this up a hey.

Oh, yeah.

It does look nice.

Oh, you know what a really nice ring, Chuck?

Hmm.

I'm gonna hear about this for a long time, aren't I? Hmm.

Until Duck do his part.

You know, if that wasn't... Such a bad night.

We met a couple of ladies.

Who cares if they were cops?

Hey, you know, mine gave me your badge number.

Should we call them? No, no, no. I think we should play a cool way to see them

at the hearing.

My boy's a boss in her back, though, right?

Right.

Hey,

where are you going? To Marty's to beg her to take me back.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on. Look, don't do that, all right? Marty never wants

to see you again.

She's in love with another man.

Lots of couples have problems. Stop it.

Listen, I know you're hurting.

And I know that it's hard, okay? But you can't just go crawling back to somebody

with your hat in your hand. You know, you deserve to be with someone who cares

about you.

Who cares about you as much as you care about them, Pete. So just stay strong.

Stay strong. I'm going to be right here with you.

Thanks.

You're right.

Man, I wish I had your strength.

Don't we all?

Good night, Pete.

You put onions on our hot

dog.

You put onions on our hot dog.

It's a bandage in my hot...