Original subtitles

Come in.

Hey, you got my drill? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, hey, look.

I got my badge. I'm official.

Hey, why do they get fireman badges anyway? Don't the yellow pants and the

hat kind of say it all?

There.

Bert made pancakes.

Who's dickless?

Who's dickless?

Who is ticklish?

Who has a sex buddy?

What's a sex buddy? I don't know. I've never had one.

You should go. You gotta go. You gotta go.

What you doing with Mr. Gator?

You're not supposed to be here.

Sex buddy in there? Hey, hey.

I don't call her that, okay? It's demeaning.

But you really have one. Damn straight.

Bert, I've never seen a sex bike. Can I see what one looks like? Hey, she's a

human being, Pete. It's not a whale watch.

So she's big, huh? Okay.

Come on.

Who's that?

That was Pete and Johnny.

Petey Dunville, the sweetie from Funville?

Relax, relax. He didn't know it was you. Oh, good.

Hey, coast is clear.

Are you trying to get rid of me? No, no, no. Come here.

Hey, go on now.

What was that? I'm not

allowed to go into the burning building because I'm not a firefighter?

Here, do you want these?

Why would I want your stupid flowers?

Nomar sent them to me. These are from Nomar?

Oh, my God, they're beautiful. I should find a vase.

What's the nerve of that guy? I dump them, and he thinks he can just make

everything better by sending me flowers.

Do you think he picked these from his garden?

I mean, it's really hard feeling sorry for yourself when you're constantly

interrupted with gifts.

You should just admit you made a huge mistake and take Nomar back before he

realizes he's too good for you.

I'm not getting back together with him. I'm just going to have to suffer through

this.

All right.

All right. But in that case, you're going to need a friend.

Thanks, Pete.

Hey, you know, it's weird. I felt a little awkward coming down here because

think the hardest thing about this for me is not really having anyone to talk

to. I hope you like scotch.

Now, listen, it's not very good, but there's a lot of it.

Thanks for nothing, Pete.

Oh, you're welcome. Oh, and thanks for the flowers.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, that's real nice. That's real nice. Mature behavior there, Pete. She

comes down here looking for just a little bit of compassion.

And you treat her like dirt.

Are you serious?

No.

I was hiding in the bathroom until she left.

I don't know. I just wish she'd hurry up and get back with Nomar, you know? I

mean, he's only the greatest guy she's ever dated.

If you think Nomar's so great, then maybe you shouldn't have split them up.

didn't split them up.

I told a harmless joke.

Yeah, a joke that made Nomar think Ash and I were still sleeping together.

I still think it's funny.

Here, come on. Take a look at this.

the house it doesn't leak oh thank god all this crap is spared near as i can

figure this was a formal sitting room or a more of a casual lying down naked

room we've got you all raring to go petenberg

a

house isn't a home until we christen it

Problem?

There,

I'll clean. Oh, sure. The guy on top always thinks it's clean.

I'll clean the room and I'll see you tonight.

Irene, hey.

Hey, it's Berg. You busy?

Pete, the fire station. Come over.

Guess what?

I swiped a patient down from the hospital. The doctor is in.

Bad doctor, off the furniture.

Hey, what are you doing here? Have you seen my badge?

Yeah, Pete, we've all seen your badge.

She didn't even flirt with me.

I bet she has a boyfriend.

Absolutely not.

Why not?

I mean, she's friendly. She's a little too friendly, but some guys like that.

Hey, look at that. Hey, found your badge.

Go fight a fire.

Seriously, I bet she has a boyfriend.

Whoever he is, I hope he's not a jerk.

Yeah, I'm sure that Irene will be fine.

You know, Irene's kind of fragile.

Yeah, she's not... She's not like one of your sex buddies, you know?

You know, you can't just treat her like a piece of meat.

How come?

Bert, I blew her off once.

She spent six months in a home.

It was only like four.

Why do you always have to knock me down?

Hey, uh, listen, um, I feel kind of bad about yesterday, so I don't know if you

still wanted to. We could talk.

Not for long.

Like two minutes max.

Go.

Thanks, Pete. I realize you're offering me your entire attention span.

But I'm fine, really.

Really? Really? Great. So you got back together with no more?

Oh, God, I am not getting back together with him. It's over, and I am fine.

Listen to me. You can't cover up the stink of depression by taking a shower

throwing on some unflattering outfits.

Hey, Dr. Hattie. Hey, Jerm. Ready to shred some rail?

Mm -hmm.

You're going skateboarding with Jerm?

Skateboarding? Hello, welcome to fall 2000.

You want to skateboard, man, get in your time machine and travel back to June.

If I had a time machine, I'd go back and tell your parents about birth control.

Me too.

Hey, Irene, um, can we talk?

Sure. Come on in. Um, actually, I don't want anyone seeing me come out of there.

Let's pretend like we're getting the mail. Here.

Okay.

Listen, I just want to, uh...

I just want to apologize if I've ever done anything that, you know, made you

feel uncomfortable.

Oh, it's okay.

I started stretching in the morning.

Hey, you guys. Is the mail here? No.

No.

I was just checking to see if the mail here had come. And then Irene came out,

and she asked me if the mail had come. And I just looked at her. I said no.

Okay. Okay.

Whatever. Whatever.

I'll see you guys later. All right.

I thought you were the mailman. No mail.

Okay, right there.

Okay, I was lying to Sharon for both our steaks, not just mine. Michael Bergen,

is there something on your mind? Yeah, okay, look.

Irene, sometimes when two people get involved, sexually,

emotions can get tangled, you know, feelings can get confused, and before

know it...

I see what's happening.

You do?

Yeah. Berg.

Don't you get hooked on me.

I understand.

No,

no, no. I have no problem with any of this, Irene. I just don't want you to

like I'm treating you like a piece of meat.

I mean, you're the meat.

No, I'm not.

100 % prime Angus. A little junk in the trunk.

I'm going to have to start making you do some of the work.

The countdown to christening began.

Ten.

Nine. Eight, seven.

Six. Five, four. Three.

Two. Oh, wait. What? Oh, let's make a fire. It'll be so romantic.

Oh, we can't. I think there's a family of raccoons living here.

Raccoons? Yeah, I looked up there and something looked back, so... It's either

raccoon or a very tiny, old -fashioned criminal.

We can't make love with animals in the chimney.

Sure we can.

There's no way I'm exposing my naked butt to a bunch of raccoons.

Well, then we don't have to do it that way. We can just do it regular.

I'll close the flute.

Just get rid of the critters and we'll christen tomorrow.

All right.

But this better not be your idea of marriage.

I'm not going to do a chore every time we have sex.

You think we're going to have sex every time we do a chore?

Oh, hey, Irene.

Hey, Bert.

Look what I bought.

Cool. Tonight, I'll be the doctor and you'll be the Vegas showgirl.

They're for you, silly.

Yeah, I have to go to the hospital, though. Oh, so?

Doesn't mean you can't feel pretty.

What happened to you?

Some delinquents on scooters tried to grab onto a moving fire truck.

Well, it's a good thing that Fireboy Pete was on the lookout, or we could

had fun.

Ashley, don't you see you're just being self -destructive?

Make up with Nomar before you kill yourself?

No, I'm fine.

No, you're not. Burke, talk to her.

Ashley, do you need help? No, I'm fine. Why does everyone keep asking me that?

Gosh, just because I wanted to have a little heart -to -heart with Pete and I

wanted to go skateboarding with Charm, I... Where's the scooter?

Oh, just shut up!

I don't need your help. I don't need anyone's help. I'm fine. I am perfectly

fine.

Burke, what am I going to do? She won't listen to me. Hey, look, Pete.

People don't change unless they want to, all right? There's nothing any one

person can say.

You're right, you're right. Hey, hey, um, meet me tonight at Johnny and

house. What? They're having a party.

Well, I told Sharon today. She didn't mention it.

Uh, it's sort of a, uh, surprise housewarming.

Oh, okay. And make sure Ashley comes. Yeah. All right. Um, hey, I don't have

address. Oh, well, meet me outside the party and I'll give it to you there.

Cool.

I appreciate all the hard work you've done.

So I guess I'm just going to have to show you.

I'm busy. What do you want?

I'm here for the housewarming party.

I would have brought you a gift, but I wanted to see what you needed.

So I guess the perfect gift would have been a new house.

Hey, Ash, what's going on? Hey.

Did you invite Ashley for a housewarming party?

Oh, yes. I wanted to show the most sarcastic person I know the most

part of my life.

I'm sorry, did I interrupt or something?

Oh, no, not at all. Oh, no, honey, that's not entirely true. Hey, Johnny.

Happy house for me. Here's your gift.

It's kind of last minute.

Can I have a tour?

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

I could show you the upstairs, but there are no lights and holes in the floor.

Okay, well, how about the downstairs?

but there are lights, and you'd see what it looks like.

Oh, I could show you the clean room.

Go on.

Okay, oh, and here, I think we're probably just going to go with one

Wow.

What a dump.

Hey, hunky homeowner.

I made you a gingerbread version of your house.

I didn't have much time, so it's not to scale.

Oh, no, it's perfect.

No visitors.

Hey, Irene. I didn't know you were coming here tonight.

Listen, I'm sorry that I didn't phone you earlier about coming over.

It was probably pretty rude.

Oh, that's okay. No big deal.

Okay.

What?

Um, it is a big deal.

No, it's not.

We have plans. You're supposed to care.

I don't.

Again, okay.

Um, this isn't working for me.

What?

I can't be intimate with somebody who's not emotionally involved with me.

I'm used to being worshipped.

I thought we were having fun.

We were. I really enjoyed having casual sex with you until I found out that you

were having casual sex with me.

I think we should stop. I need to feel special.

Okay, but hey, you should know.

You're the first person I've slept with I didn't have feelings for.

Doesn't that make you feel special?

Maybe.

It depends on why.

Because you're that good.

Really? You know, I'm self -taught.

Gosh, it really makes you wonder what it takes to condemn a place.

This looks like the house where we practiced putting out fires.

Was the idea for this party for everyone to make fun of my new house?

This isn't a party. It's an intervention.

Oh, then I'm taking my gift back.

Look, guys, I think it's obvious that one of us is in trouble, and I think

our duty as friends to help them.

Come on, give me a break!

I have a wife, I've got a mortgage, so I have a couple of beers every once in a

while.

It's not you, Johnny.

A wife?

I love you, honey.

Now, you guys, it's Ashley.

Here we go again. No, no, no, listen to me. Sit down.

Come on, hear me out.

You have to admit that you've been acting strangely because you want to get

together with Nomar. Why would I want that, Pete? Because he was special, and

that made you special.

I mean, think about it. One second, you're invisible. The next second,

standing next to Nomar, and everybody wants to be your friend. I mean, you go

into a restaurant, you drop his name, and you get a better table. And do you

think it was a coincidence that my parents, who are lifelong Red Sox fans,

suddenly started calling me more?

You miss him, Pete, don't you? So much.

going to get over this. I won't. I won't. I won't. I won't.

Hey. Hey, Peter.

What? If it makes you feel any better, sometimes I miss him, too.

Oh, get over yourself.

You know, Ashley, if you're so depressed because you miss Nomar, why don't you

just call him up?

Just because you miss him. Someone doesn't mean that you should get back

together with them. And I... Well, I really thought that my friends would

me through this rough time.

Oh, honey.

You should call your friends.

You... You are my friend.

Oh, well, our phone isn't hooked up yet.

Yeah, but feel free to stop by any time that you need to talk.

Absolutely. Just make sure you call first.

Yeah, but you don't have a phone yet. Okay. See ya. Bye.

Oh, what a night. I'm exhausted.

Figures.

What's that supposed to mean? Well, it means either you have a headache or

there's a doorbell or there's raccoons in the chimney. Anything to stop from

christening the house with me.

Oh, baby, is that what you think?

I love being with you. I love you. Because why can't we christen?

that we both remember forever.

You know? You know, like our first kiss.

Well, this house is at least as nice as your parents' garage.

Then let's christen. Okay.

I'll get my champagne. All right.

I've been a very bad showgirl.

back to the apartment.

No, I thought we were going to christen.

For God's sake, Sharon, is that all you think about?

Hello?

Sorry I'm late.

An address would have helped.

Oh, man.

Looks like I missed a good one.