Original subtitles

Aren't we?

You two know each other?

You knew I liked her and you went after her anyway.

You know what your problem is, Pete?

You don't know what you want.

Yeah, well, you know what you want, but you're never going to get it. I'd like a

new roommate. I want one, too.

Besides, you're too busy running around saving the world to have any time for

me. Face it, Sharon, we are drifting apart, frankly.

I don't like it.

Well, I don't like waking up to yell at you and then having you yell at me,

frankly.

So you still want to marry me? I don't know. You still want to marry me?

Do you want to take care of this electric bill? I don't know. You want me

take care of this electric bill?

I know we've been fighting a lot lately, but it happens to every couple right

before a wedding, so it's just cold feet.

What if it isn't?

What if it's our gut instinct telling us that we're not right for each other?

I'm sure it's feet. But it could be gut.

We've got a lot of wedding stuff to do today, so for the sake of getting things

done, let's just say it's feet.

Okay.

But it could be gut.

Could be stress.

We're under a lot of pressure lately.

I mean, I'm waiting to see if my life is going to turn out terrific, and I'm

waiting to see if your life is still going to suck.

Are we talking about the academic probation or the fact that you spit when

talk? No, no, no, no, no, no. We're talking about the academic probation,

you probably don't want to be reminded about the academic probation. And here I

keep talking about academic probation.

I mean, I've said academic probation four times already.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Did I come at a bad time? Well, sort of. I mean, we're

talking about academic probation.

We only stay together for the kids.

God, Berg, I'm sorry. Even for Pete, that's insensitive.

Well, I did go out with this girl, even though he won't admit to liking her

because he's, uh, gutless. Stupid loser!

I get out of probation!

See, you can't win when he hears that.

But I swear, this time next week when I'm off probation, he's dead.

Oh, God, I thought you knew.

They... Posted the new shift assignments at the hospital. They denied your

request to be taken off of probation.

What?

What the hell am I supposed to do? You know, I know I screwed up. Aren't they

ever going to give me a second chance?

I'm really sorry.

Yeah, right. You love it.

What? You cannot tell me you're not enjoying this. I'm the huge loser and

the hot shot. Never almost killed somebody. Doctor's pet.

That's not fair.

Are you kidding? You raced over here to rub it in my face. Oh, Berg, I thought

you knew.

Where are you going? I came down here to tell you that I think the hospital's

wrong and that this is completely unfair. But if you think I'm going to

here and listen to this, then you really are a loser. You're the loser! Academic

probation!

I can't

believe everything we got done today.

All we have left to do is show up at the church.

Yeah.

But we had fun, though, right? Yeah, I had a great time. Yeah.

And you know what?

If we really didn't want to get married, today would have been torture.

Yeah, you're right. It would have.

I don't know. I think I should let my fear get the best of me. My feet have

spoken.

Hello. Oh, hello. Hi.

So, I understand that you would like to open a joint checking account. Yeah.

Great. How would you like those checks to read? Mr. and Mrs.

Jonathan Donnelly. Oh, no, no, no, baby. This would read Jonathan and Sharon

Donnelly. I'm not so sure.

It's okay, honey. I am.

I like it.

I think it'll look great on our ballerina collection.

Oh,

look, they're so pretty.

How am I supposed to give that to the guy at the hardware store?

Just tell them the ballerinas are strippers.

Before you move to avoid me, I'm coming right back, and I'm eating in that

chair.

This place is getting on my nerves.

Oh, hi, Pete.

Oh,

fret not, sweet prince. The letter carrier will arrive in due course.

You are annoying me.

I'm putting on a production and I'm playing Rapunzel.

Acting gives me a chance to work out my demons.

So would an exorcism.

Hey, still no word on your fireman sleepover camp?

Irene, Irene, it's boot camp, okay?

It's the last step where they separate the firemen from the wannabes. It's

months of torture and humiliation and constant physical exhaustion.

But you get to sleep over, right?

Yeah, have you ever been so close to something that you really, really

but you weren't sure if you were ever going to get it?

Yes. All right.

Oh, hey, uh, can I see my mail?

Not yours until I put it in your butt.

Hey, Irene, you look ravishing today, like a flower in springtime.

Roger, I told you, I only like you as a postal carrier.

Hey, could you go any slower?

Sure.

All right, hurry it up, you letter monkey.

Look, don't threaten me, man. I got a lot of stuff here.

You're just gonna have to wait for your little piece of porn.

Roger, maybe you could give Peter's mail, huh?

For me?

Well, okay.

Only for you.

Hope you get jury duty.

I hope you're on trial.

It's not here.

Are you sure? I don't believe this. Another 24 hours of torture.

This is gonna kill me.

And they say there's never any good news.

Okay, let's set your pin number.

Oh, let's go for my birthday.

Oh, no, baby, it's too hard to remember.

It's Christmas Eve.

You know, let's just go with mine anyway. 624?

Great. Now, before you sign, I have to explain that by opening a joint checking

account, you are seen as a single entity in the eyes of the law, bound together

in fiscal responsibility, in assets, and in debt, until you either close the

account or die.

I do.

Sign right here.

Johnny, your hand's shaking. Well, it's not. It could move in the paper.

And you're sweating.

No, I am not.

Where do I sign?

Right next to the puddle underneath your hand.

Oh. Bert's not here.

I'm not here to see Bert.

I'm here to see you.

What, you think of an insult and had to rush right over?

No, no, actually, I'm here to celebrate.

I got my letter. I'm in boot camp.

You're in?

You got your letter?

Yeah, yeah, thanks to you. I mean, you were my inspiration.

My drive to crush you helped push me over the top.

You got your letter, huh?

Good for you. Good, good, good, good for the post office.

Okay, what's your problem?

Are you bent out of shape because I got in?

Oh, Pete, I'm sorry. You didn't get in?

I didn't? What did you hear?

No, I just assumed... Assumed what?

What, that I failed?

No, I didn't get my letter, that's all. Why do you have to assume the word?

That's you.

I assumed you passed.

Look, don't worry about it. You'll get your letter tomorrow, and we'll

for you. But tonight, let's celebrate Marty.

Celebrate. So, perhaps you didn't hear me.

I did not get my letter.

I heard you, Buzzkill.

Where are you going?

Come on, Marty, wait.

Pete, I just spoke with Roger. He tracked down your letter, and he

bring it by tonight after work. Tonight after work? No, call him now. Tell him

now. Get it now.

over my head. I mean, if I scratch Roger's back, who scratches mine?

Fine.

A movie, an empty seat between us, and if anyone asks, I don't know you.

Hal's my favorite son.

Your brother isn't with you, is he? No.

So what are you doing here?

What's wrong?

Nothing, nothing, you know. Can't a guy take a break from studying microbiology

and advanced endocrinology, come home, play with his Hot Wheels?

Honey, I'm sorry. I sold those at a yard sale for five cents apiece.

Well, that's okay. You know, the main thing is that you made money off my

memories.

Where's, uh... Where's Dad?

Well, physically, he's living in a seedy motel.

Spiritually, he's burning in hell.

See, I thought he might still be at work.

Your father had an affair, and I kicked him out.

What? Why don't you throw another one of his suits on the fire, and I'll make

you a sandwich.

I cannot believe that Dad had an affair.

I know.

I mean, look at me.

Are you okay?

I'm a survivor. I'll heal.

Hey, come here.

I love you.

So who was she? Did you know her?

No, just some trampy little slut from whore town.

God, those girls are so easy.

Not that I'd know.

Listen, I am so sorry, Mom.

Maybe he'll come to his senses and leave her.

Oh, he already left her. It was a one -night stand.

He keeps calling, wanting to come back.

Is it cold in here? I think I'll throw on a sweater.

Hold on, wait a second. Wait, you mean it only happened once?

Only once?

No, no, no, no, no, no. It is a terrible, terrible thing he did. I'm

saying.

We've all made mistakes.

You know, we've all done something that we wish we could take back.

Don't you think we deserve a second chance?

No.

Why not?

Because sometimes you screw up so bad you don't deserve a second chance.

Sometimes you just have to accept responsibility and move on.

Maybe you're right.

I'm going to take my bike.

Around the block for a ride.

Okay? Oh, oh, honey. Here, here.

Uh, you're gonna need this.

What's this?

Cab fare. I sold your bike.

On.

Where is that stupid mail?

Escort, I ordered.

Is that my letter? Not so fast.

You can have the letter.

Or you can have my woman.

But you can't have both.

Sophie's choice.

Look, Roger, I'll tell you what. You give me that letter, and I'll step

Sucker.

Sucker.

Oh, come on. Open it, open it.

I can't. You do it. You do it. Okay.

What what?

not even talking.

Hospital won't let me be a doctor. My mom kicked my dad out.

And my hair hasn't cooperated in weeks.

It's been hell.

Yeah?

I got my foot blown out from the war.

See, you know what I'm talking about.

I'll have another.

Hello, Berg.

How'd you find me?

Well, your mother told me you might be at this bar.

Had I known it was this special, I might have gotten a gold tooth and a social

disease.

Come on, let's get you home.

No.

No, I'm not going back there. In fact, I'm, uh... I'm thinking about quitting

medical school.

Oh, yeah, that's perfect. So we can add Twitter to the list with whiny, self

-centered, self -pitying, and barfly.

Excuse me.

Would you like to dance with my sister?

Okay, please, go ahead and quit. Put us all out of our misery. But before you

do, why don't you sign this?

What's this?

It is a petition to get you off of probation.

All of the interns signed it, and a majority of the doctors.

Pretty much everybody but me.

You... You did this for me?

After the way I treated you this morning, you'd still do this for me.

Well, it may not help at the start. Thank you.

Thank you.

Finally,

maybe my luck will change.

To unchangeable. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to give it another try.

insulted in a few hours and I needed a fix.

Can I come in?

Yeah. My landlord doesn't allow me to have trash in the hallway.

There's my fix.

Hey.

Nice flowers.

What do you want?

I came here to tell you that I passed my exam and I wanted to give you equal

opportunity to rain on my parade.

I'm not going to crap all over your happiness.

That's another way of putting it.

I'm happy for you, Pete.

And I'd still be happy for you even if I didn't get in.

So what? You're a bigger man than I am?

No.

Why did you come here anyway?

To tell you... Why did I come here?

I know why you're here.

Oh, yeah? Why?

You dig me.

You're crazy.

I must be.

I'm attracted to the biggest neurotic whack job on the planet.

Yeah?

You think you have it bad?

I'm attracted to you.

So you are into me. You're into me.

I'm not proud of it. Neither am I. So what are we going to do?

Oh, that's original.

You know, for once, once.

You're even a lousy kisser.

You should talk, Pencil Lip.

You feeling any better?

Yeah, a little.

Well, I got something that's really going to cheer you up. You ready?

Our sample check. I got it framed.

Wow, what a lovely reminder of our day.

You're sweating again.

No, I'm not sweating.

Yes, you are. What is it? Nothing.

You're afraid to share your money with me. No, I am not.

This has nothing to do with money. Yes, it does.

You see this check and you see me spending your entire life saving it. No,

this check and I see artsy stuff and my name in little curly letters and just a

whole bunch of stuff I'd never put on a check.

These are the checks that we agreed upon. No, these are the checks that you

agreed upon. I don't even know why I was there. I mean, the only thing joint

about this account is the address.

Fine, we'll just change it to Mr.

and Mrs. Johnson Donnelly like you wanted.

I'm not so sure anymore.

I'm saying sometimes I feel like I don't exist in this relationship.

Of course you exist.

If you didn't exist, you wouldn't be giving me such a headache right now.

Tony, it's just cold feet.

I think it's my gut. I'm sure it's feet.

It's my gut. Feet.

Gut. Feet. Gut. Feet. See, Sharon, you don't listen to me.

You know, just because you say something doesn't make it so.

This is the way I feel.

I'm sorry, I don't... I don't think this is gonna work out.

I'll be at my sister's.