Original subtitles

Hey. Hey, there you are. Where have you been all morning?

Working. Got everything done early.

Thought we could do something fun this afternoon.

Oh, well, you could walk me to the soup kitchen at the mission.

Or we could stay home and I could put bugs on you.

I'm sorry, baby, but they expect me there in half an hour. Well, let's do

something after. How long can it take to eat soup?

Well, then I'm going to the hospital. I'm reading Valley of the Dolls to the

children's ward.

Okay, here's my idea.

Come on, Sharon. What am I supposed to do when you're off saving the world? You

know, I'm bored.

I don't know.

Get a hobby.

A lot of people drink when they're alone.

Sean!

Oh, my God. I haven't seen you in so long.

And I'm pregnant.

More specifically, I haven't seen you in over a year.

Hey, Sean.

Wow.

Come on in. Sit down. Yeah, I'm sorry to come unannounced. I'm in the city for

my Lamaze class, and I had an hour to kill. I thought I'd say hi.

Hi. What?

You didn't tell me the son was married.

I'm not.

Say nothing.

Uh, do we ever get to meet the dad?

He died.

At least I hope he dies.

Oh, wow. So you're all alone?

Well, who's your Lamaze partner?

I don't have one.

Well... Maybe they'll pair you up with someone when you get there. I mean, I'm

sure there'll be guys there without girls.

Listen, Sharon, I know I'm not your favorite person, you know, because of

happened with Johnny and me, but I'm in this all alone, and I've got no one else

to turn to.

Have you tried religion?

Actually, I was looking for Lamar's partner.

Oh.

You know what?

I'm not really doing anything. I'll help you.

Is that okay?

Sharon?

Oh, God.

Sure.

What the hell? It'll be good practice for when we have a baby. We're getting

married.

Congratulations.

So this isn't a problem? No, it might be fun.

As long as you don't deliver on our wedding day, we're getting married.

Oh, come on. Do not worry. You are in good hands, you know. I once helped my

have puppies.

I even stopped her from eating one.

Oh, boy, that's funny.

Love is folding the laundry together.

Don't you just love those?

What, are you kidding me? I thought I was the only one.

You know what love is?

Love is sharing the same taste in cartoons.

I know.

My boyfriend cuts them out for me every day.

Love is cheating on your boyfriend.

Oh, stealing toilet paper, nice.

You know, in some countries, if they catch you doing that, I'll cut off your

ass.

Everybody freeze!

We've had a robbery!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? I spent two hours on that floor.

Well, you didn't do a very good job.

There's a bunch of mud behind me.

Give me that. You're doing... it wrong anyway.

Okay, what are you doing? You need to use circular motions.

It's figure eights. It's figure eights. All right?

See? See?

The mop, it glides along all the while, picking up more mud.

I just find it interesting that the mop is leading.

There is a right way and a wrong way to do things. There's a Pete way, and then

there's a Marty way.

I'm going to show you again.

Give it. No, I'm not giving it to you. All right, you two, quit flirting and

some work done.

Flirting? I'm not flirting. I'd rather flirt with you.

Captain, sir.

Smooth, Mott boy.

I'm gonna go change.

Hey, will you do me a favor? Would you put that sign in the other room?

Sure. Does look a little heavy for you.

Ow!

Oh, my God, are you okay?

You could have warned me that the floor was wet.

Yeah. You see, um, illiteracy is the silent killer.

I think I hurt my shoulder.

Ow!

Did I mention I hurt my shoulder?

Perhaps you shouldn't touch it?

Look, this could be serious. Maybe I should get you to a hospital. No,

has to stay here. Our co -workers aren't going to injure themselves.

Oh, hey there, Bert. How's it going?

Great. Maybe someday they'll let me clean up at the Mayo Clinic.

Well, hang in there. You'll be back on rounds in no time.

Aha! Taking gods.

Do you have a requisition for that?

No. I have a bleeding patient.

Convenient.

Hey, Bert.

Yes, Jer?

When you and Dr. Walker were going out, did you ever notice anything missing in

the mornings?

Often my dignity and sense of self -worth.

This isn't a game, man! You think this is a game?

I'm so glad I got him this job.

Excuse me.

I'm Dr.

Bergen. Dr.

Bergen. Dr. Michael Bergen. Dr. Michael Leslie Bergen. People call me Babel.

Yeah, um, what is the quickest way out of here?

Full -blown aneurysm.

So, you're a doctor.

I'm guessing you're prepping the counter for surgery?

No, no, I just do this to stay humble.

It keeps my God complex in check.

Well, it looks like you've got your work cut out for you.

Let's see. You, uh, hurt your ankle.

No.

Ah, shoulder.

Let's see what they're giving you for that shoulder there.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, just with that effect. Did you see that?

They left that dinner in a movie.

You mean like a date?

I don't know. I just met you.

I just met you. I don't seem to care.

What do you say? It'll be fun.

What the hell? No one else is asking me out.

That's the way to build a man's self -esteem.

She didn't even call.

She didn't even call.

to let me know that she was okay. Well, you know what?

I'm not going to feel guilty about it anymore. She slipped, she fell, so what?

But you know what?

If you can't handle a little water on the floor, then maybe firefighting isn't

for you.

Hey, how's this look?

Like the suit you wear on every date.

Well, I'm not going to wear my breakup suit.

Oh, that's her, that's her.

God, can you get that?

Marty?

Dream?

You two know each other?

Yeah, yeah. This is Marty. I work with her at the fire station.

Remember I was telling you about the girl who hurt her shoulder and she went

the hospital while you were getting ready for your date with the girl you

the hospital who I'm guessing hurt her shoulder.

I bet if I were paying attention, I would have put that together.

How's your arm?

It's fine.

Fine.

Listen, Marty, could you wait for me down in the stoop? I'd like to, you

make an entrance.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Okay.

Whoa. This is weirder than that night we both rented Tango and Cash.

No, you know, is this going to be a problem?

No, no, not for me. You're the one going out with her. Yeah, but this is Fire

Girl. You know, I mean, you're always talking about her. Ferg, I'm always

talking about her because I can't stand her.

All right, now go.

Don't be crazy.

Have a good time.

Yeah, listen, you know, I'm going to cancel.

No, why, why? No, Ferg, I'm not a child. If I wanted to go out with her, I'd go

out with her.

Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure. Would you stop asking me? Now go. Have a good

Okay. All right. Okay. All right, man.

I can't believe he went.

W, we're going to need some more urinal cakes for the men's room.

Sir, I just replaced them the other day.

Pete, these men are firefighters.

They see a urinal cake as a challenge.

All right, all right. I'll get right on it.

Sorry. I'm sorry I'm late. I told you before, Delaney, late doesn't cut it

around here.

Is that what you'll tell the people who just watched their house burn to the

ground?

You know what? Actually, sir, I think what she means is sorry she's late from

getting back from the store where I sent her to get some provolone.

I love provolone.

Good work, kid.

Make me a sandwich, Dunville.

I'd love to, sir.

Well, that was surprising.

Nice of you.

Never mind that. Run along and get some provolone.

Well, thanks.

I didn't hear my alarm go off. I was out kind of late.

Last night?

When I went out?

No.

For dinner?

Oh, right, right. Was that last night?

Aren't you going to ask me how it was?

No, I've had dinner before.

time with Michael, but, um, if this is going to be a problem for you, I totally

understand. A problem? Why would it be a problem? He didn't use my credit card

again, did he?

No, because, you know, he's your roommate.

And, um, it could be awkward for, uh, you and me.

You and me? There is no you and me. See, there's you way over there, and then

there's me right here. See? Totally separate.

Well, then, if it's not going to bother you... It's not going to bother me. Go

out with him again. See if I care. I think I will. Good. Have...

Where are you going? I'm going to call him. You need his number? No, I've got

it. Fine, call him right now. I will.

I can't believe she's going to call him.

Very nice.

Now breathe with your partner.

Remember, gentlemen, this is all about Mommy right now.

You did this to her. Now help her.

Oh, very good, you two. Excellent breathing.

Not smoker.

Hey, Sharon.

Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be at the soup

kitchen. Oh, it's okay. They think I'm out getting crackers.

Okay, gentlemen.

Let Mommy know you're there for her.

Gently rub your partner's back.

Oh.

Like rubbing's going to help when you're trying to pass a basketball.

Very nice, Johnny. It's great to see such an attentive husband.

Oh, he's not my husband.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. He's mine.

Well, he's not mine, but he's going to be. He's just going to help Sean deliver

this baby.

And even before you know it, he's mine again.

Okay, but right now, this is a Lamaze class, not a bobsled run.

So I'd appreciate it if you wait outside.

Oh, that's okay. I'm good.

Um, honey, we won't be much longer. Why don't I meet you at home?

Oh, okay.

All right.

But who are we kidding? You're all getting epidurals.

Hey, Dr. Walker, you finished with that soda? Yes, I guess so. Why?

Three words.

DNA.

There are fingerprints all over this can that will match the ones on that

cabinet.

Which cabinet? That cabinet? You mean the cabinet that I get medical supplies

out of every day as part of my job?

Yeah.

So is there anything else that I can help you with?

Just one more thing. I can't get it out of my head.

The lice?

No.

Germ, can you get to the point? I'm busy.

I think you did it. I just need the proof.

I did it.

Reverse psychology.

Well, too bad. I still think you did it. Germ!

I took your stupid roll of toilet paper, okay? I didn't have time to go to the

store, so I reached in there and I took it. You happy? Here.

Here is $10. Go and buy yourself 50 rolls of toilet paper.

Not about the money.

I know I'm just a lowly orderly in your eyes, but I'm in charge of that cabinet.

And believe it or not, I take a great deal of pride in my job.

And I know everyone around here loves to have a good laugh at the germs expense.

You know, what if I went into surgery and just helped myself to a kidney

I didn't have time to stop at the kidney place on the way home?

I mean, that wouldn't be very good, would it?

No. No, it wouldn't, Joan. I... I'm sorry.

All right, then. You want to go out with me?

Well, well, well. Look who's home from pregnancy dating school.

Sorry, honey.

They asked Sean and me to stay late. They took our picture for a poster.

Oh, well, I'm not surprised. You two make such a beautiful couple.

Well, hey, what's your problem? You said it was okay.

Because, Johnny.

thing to do. You know how you feel when you help the homeless. Well, I feel that

way when I help Sean. Oh, well, see, I don't wrap my legs around homeless

and rub their backs.

Sharon, someone needed me.

You know, and no one's needed me around here for a long time. Don't think that's

gone unnoticed.

Besides, you're too busy running around saving the world to have any time for

me. If it's not the homeless, it's the old folks or the spotted owl or tuna.

Dolphins.

What? Dolphins. Nobody's trying to save the tuna.

Well, whatever it is, it comes before me.

Oh, oh, oh, this is a healthy pattern. I get a little busy, and they try to

punish me with the first pregnant tramp that walks through the door?

Well, I guess that's what it takes for you to give me the time of day.

Face it, Sharon, we are drifting apart, frankly.

Because I'm going to bed. Good. You can sleep in the other room. Good

night.

Can't hear you.

I had a great time tonight. You know, I've never caught a puck before.

Thanks for letting me keep it.

Hey, you were the one who knocked the old lady out of the way.

You want to grab that drink? Yeah, sure.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Pete's not in there, is he?

No, no, no, no. They were shorthanded at the fire station. One of the volunteers

that I hired.

You know, I have to say, I love hockey,

you know? It's so manly and rugged.

Did you ever play?

No, well, sort of. Actually, I used to figure skate in the third grade.

I just like hockey, except...

Your dad's less proud.

You know, I'm having a really good time.

Well, night's not over.

Pay no attention to me.

Hey, what are you doing here? I forgot my coat. It's 75 degrees out. It's a

light coat.

You know what? Maybe I left it in the bedroom, but just pretend I'm not here.

Um, I'm sorry about that.

No, no, it's not your fault.

He's just acting like an idiot.

He's such a baboon. Yeah.

That's why we never photograph him from behind.

I'm sorry. Listen to me. Oh, you know what? Why don't we do what he says and

just pretend he's not here?

Good luck.

Okay. Well, found my coat, but now lost my keys.

I think I dropped them on the floor. Move your leg. Move your leg. There you

Oh, and again.

I'm not here.

You know what? That makes two of us. Hold it. Where are you going? I can't do

this. I'm sorry.

There they are. They're in my other pocket.

Always the last place you look. Off I go.

Hey, Pete.

You know what? If...

If you liked her, why didn't you just say something and stop with the childish

games, huh?

I'm not playing any games.

Oh, no?

Well, then if you're supposed to be at the firehouse, then why do you suddenly

show up back here?

To pretend to get my coat and ruin your date.

I knew it.

You knew it.

Funny. You knew that, but you didn't know that I wanted to go out with her.

You told me to go out with her. You told her to call me. You know, where in that

do I get back off? Pete likes her.

When do I have to spell things out for you, Bert? You should know what I'm

thinking. Why should I have to guess? You know, because when I want something,

say I want it. You know, it's just like last week, you know, when you said you

didn't want that last donut, so I ate it. And I wanted that donut exactly!

But you couldn't say it.

You just let it sit there for a week and a half. Eventually, someone was going

to eat it.

Yeah, you know who?

The sleazeball who shoves his best friend to the side. No, actually, it's

one who's man enough to take it.

You knew it.

You knew I liked her, and you went after her anyway.

Okay, you know what your problem is, Pete?

You don't know what you want. You know what woman, what job, what nothing.

Yeah, well, you know what you want, but you're never going to get it. I'd like a

new roommate. I want one, too.

Fine! Fine! I'm sleeping on that couch! Fine!

In front.