Original subtitles

Hey.

What's with the beer?

Women.

What's with the neck brace?

Women.

Let me guess. Hot one to the right, hot one to the left.

No, no, no, no, no.

She -devil.

Front and center.

Cannot wait to hear this story right after I'm done telling you mine.

Though it all started because of my probation.

They assigned me to the one group of patients that I can no longer harm.

I'm going to take three.

And you're good?

Oh, Burke, don't let him raise you. He's got a king high straight.

he has a good poker face.

Here, I brought you some coffee from the outside world.

So how are you handling your probation?

Awesome. Other than John Doe 1 and John Doe 2, I have the third best life here.

Excuse me. Is there Mr.

Anderson in here?

Oh, yes. Right behind me. Right here.

Oh, God.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did you know him?

No. I forgot to buy some meat for dinner.

Okay, well, on that note, Morticia, Gomez, have a nice day.

Hi, I'm Dr.

Bergen. Oh, hi, Tara Roberts.

Hi. I work at the funeral home.

I'm his ride.

So you work at a funeral home, huh?

I see dead people.

I hear that all the time.

This doesn't creep you out at all?

No. I've been hit on before.

You're doing fine.

Hey, have you ever drunk maple syrup straight from the tree?

Uh, no.

My roommate and I, we have a fridge.

I'll pick you up at eight. We're going to Vermont.

Wow,

you don't waste any time, do you?

No, no.

There's one thing I learned from this job. It's that...

Life is very short. You have to appreciate every moment.

Oh. Sighs.

You have nice eyes.

And your lips are blue.

Sorry,

boys. She likes them live.

Hey, Johnny, what's with the flowers?

Women. Back of the line, pal.

So anyway.

Uh -huh.

Vermont was amazing.

Tara and I, we drank beer straight from a tree and then washed that back with

milk right from the cow's teat.

So what's the big deal? What? You met a beautiful girl, you sucked some sap and

fondled a cow.

But wait, it gets weird.

Well, it better. So far, been there, done that.

Hello, Irene.

Hey, Irene.

Hey, look, it's the bergy -wergy bugle boy in company, Pete.

Hi, Irene. It's a nice jacket you got there.

I think Johnny has a story he'd like to share.

Hey, honey, what are you doing?

Stuffing envelopes for the charity fundraiser.

Don't kiss me. You'll step.

Charity. Good. Keep that in mind, because I have some news.

I was upstairs working, you know, being very careful, taking every safety

precaution. To make a long story short, I blew up a wall.

What? Yeah. So, until I fix it...

not? It's only one night. Think of it as an extension of your charity work. You

know, you're always doing stuff to help the unfortunate.

Huh? Who's more unfortunate than Irene?

Couldn't we just invite a carnival freak to stay with us?

Okay, okay.

Hey, Irene, let me show you where we keep the guest house.

So where are your other 37 cats?

upstairs. They'll be fine. I just brought Sherman Meow and Priscilla,

the desert, because I'm trying to breed them.

Do you have a pillow? Oh, and some Sinatra?

Are they done?

I think.

But it takes a while for them to disengage.

Okay, now that... Irene, it's four in the morning. What are you doing up?

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't sleep at night. I'm nocturnal. Well, except I'm not

totally nocturnal because I don't sleep in the day either.

Hey, you guys want to play sorry?

I'm playing it right now.

Where are you going?

Up to Irene. Start fixing her wall.

Add a little padding.

What are all these greeting cards?

Oh, I don't just work in a greeting card store. No, it is my passion. And one

day I hope to have my own line of salutations.

Here, what do you think?

No bars or guards or prison dogs can keep my love away.

Make it your goal to...

I wish I got to see him more.

Yeah. I don't get to see my dad much either.

Oh.

What do they think he did?

Oh, no, no, no.

He just worked a lot. I hardly saw him growing up. Oh, yeah. I know how you

feel. Yeah.

I guess we're not so different.

Hey, did your dad miss your ballet recital? Yes.

Business trip.

Petty theft.

So Irene acted weird and was annoying.

Yeah, that's original.

So, all right, I have a story that you have never heard, all right? I'm at the

fire station, right? Well, are you going to explain the neck brace in a short

and timely manner?

Well, I was, but now let's take a journey, shall we?

Hey, Rook, pick the blueberries out of my pancakes. I changed my mind.

You know, guys, I'm sick of this. Just because I'm the rookie doesn't mean I

should get abused.

You know, I feed you guys, I pick up after you. Do you think this place

itself?

Oh, no, Chuck.

Mommy's mad.

Okay, okay, fine. You know what? You just lost TV time.

Guys, I want to introduce you to our new volunteer.

Meet Marty. Her dad was Frank Delaney from the 62nd.

Let's go, guys.

All right, Rook.

I, uh, I think I should explain how things work around here. You, uh, might

to take some notes.

Oh, you might want to ball it up and shove it.

I beg your pardon?

Bite me, lady.

Okay, you're very crass.

Look, I know how things work around here. I want the next spot on the truck,

you're in my way.

That's right.

That's right. I'm in your way. I'm going to stay in your way, so you better get

used to it.

Do you stand this close to other firemen?

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Oh, look who's no longer in my way.

And then she beats you up and that's how you got the neck brace.

What, do you have a date with that cow? Relax.

Hey, Captain, I finished waxing the truck. Do you want to see?

Pete, you do know that's just busy work, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course I do. I was just, you know, finding something to do

until it was time to count the boots.

Hey, Flynn.

You forgot to clean the side mirrors.

Lucky I'm here to add the other cheek to your half -assed jaw.

Okay, do you hear the mouth on her? Does that bother anybody else?

Real peach, huh?

Yeah, what is with you guys? Why don't you give her a bad time the way you give

me? Be patient.

We're just waiting for the right moment. All right, well, I'm not doing anything

now. Let's go.

No.

She'll get hers at Saturday's training exercise.

We rigged the pressure on her fire hose.

She might be a little off target, if you know what I mean.

I don't know what you mean.

There'll be so much pressure in that hose, the whole squad couldn't hold on

it. Oh.

That doesn't seem fair.

You know what's not fair?

The training's different for women.

She gets to carry 50 pounds up a ladder when you carry 100.

No way!

I have to carry 100 pounds up a ladder?

This affects all of us. I mean, she'll probably make captain before I do. And

the dog will make captain before you do.

Look, we figure a little humiliation will encourage her to do what we all

and that's quit.

That's such a colorful story. Could you...

skip over the blah blah blah and get to the neck break?

I'm trying to spin a yarn here.

Johnny's into it.

I still have vanilla in my hair.

Fine. Tell your story if it's more interesting.

Thank you. Thank you. So Tara and I, we were always doing something wild. You

know, she's free and exciting and willing to try anything.

Do that again!

That wasn't me.

Thank you, but we don't need turndown service.

Ashley, this is Tara. Tara, this is Ashley.

Oh, man.

If I were into girls, I'd be all over you.

Is she not great or what?

Oh, I'm kind of fine.

It's the beauty of a hearse. I can always use the carpool lane. Nice

you.

You're on probation. Don't you think that this is a tad bit irresponsible?

No, I don't.

I am tired of being responsible, you know? At least when I was irresponsible,

was having a good time, you know? I mean, look at me.

I'm happy.

When was the last time that you saw me happy?

The Baywatch marathon.

Yeah.

Okay, maybe I just need to get to know her better.

Yeah, you know what? Let's do it tonight. What do you say, huh?

Tonight, Berg? I was just being polite. Hey, well, look, this is the way Tara

and I do things, all right?

Spontaneous, living in the moment. Come on.

Okay, well, actually, I have a date with Nomar tonight.

That's perfect. We'll double date. We'll double date. Tara's a huge baseball

fan. Yeah, she even met him once. Really?

Yeah. Well, no, not officially.

She was actually, she was actually shrieking across the field and security

tackled her before she could introduce herself.

Oh, and here's a picture of me with my dad at the airport.

He had a layover in town.

You look like him.

You know, Sharon, I'm really glad I've gotten to know you better these last few

days. You know, for some reason, I've never been able to make friends with my

neighbors. I wonder why.

I'm really glad that we've gotten to know each other, too.

Really? Truly? For real? Yes.

Okay, okay, I admit, when Johnny first invited you to stay, I wasn't thrilled.

But, but, but, no, no, no, now...

under my fingernail.

Oh, and look, I made you a card for your charity, 10K. See, it's a tortoise and

a hare.

Don't be a doofus.

Let's all fight Lupin.

Irene, I got a card for you.

Four days ago, I fixed your wall, yet every day you come to call.

Johnny, knock it off.

Oh, oh, I bet you two would like to be alone.

Yes, Irene, we would.

Okie dokie. I'll just be in the little girl's room. Perfect time to tinkle.

Enough is enough. She comes down here every ten minutes. Well, she has to come

down and check on the cat.

They're trying to make babies.

On my bathrobe.

Tell Irene to stop coming down here.

No, I will not.

You know, I've really gotten to like her.

You know, the old Sharon wouldn't have had a problem with that. You know,

I look at you with your charity work, and you're putting up with people, and I

don't even know who you are.

Well, I'm a better person now.

Well, stop it.

That's not the way our relationship works. I am the good cop and you are the

cop. Well, why can't we be good cop, good cop?

Is that what you want?

A world full of good cops?

Fine, fine. We'll both be good cops because I will not be the bad guy.

just... Hey, are you guys going to be long? Because I could take a shower.

Leave us in peace. You know, you're very sweet. I don't want to hurt your

feelings, but you don't belong here.

See what you made me do.

Okay, I know it's been a long day, but we have one more training exercise to

Now, you two know the drill.

Pete, take the window above the door.

Marty, the one to the left of that.

I guess that means the Crispy family lives in the one above the door.

Gotcha. Are Crispy families funny? No, they are not.

Okay.

On the count of three, run to your hoses.

One. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second.

Sorry, Captain.

Gomer needs help.

Home, squirt water.

Fire, go away.

All right.

You know what? Let me use that one. No. Come on. Move.

What's going on, Dunville? Yeah, Dunville.

Stop fooling around.

You know, you ruin everything.

No wonder everybody at the firehouse laughs at you.

Fine. Fine. You know what? Take that hose. You get what you deserve.

Okay. On my count.

One.

have the two of you been? Well, we hopped a fence, ran onto the runway, and

underneath the plane as it took off.

You see, Tara knows exactly how close we can get without actually getting caught

up in the landing gear.

Well, I can't take the credit. My friend Bill taught me.

God rest his soul.

So, is this where we're eating dinner? I mean, don't get me wrong. I love a good

$12 bagel.

No, I've got a better idea.

Wait, here. I'll surprise you. You always do.

She's brave.

So... So carefree, you know, so adventurous.

You're sick of her, aren't you? No, I'm scared of her.

She dragged me onto a runway.

I don't like to fly. I like even less to be landed on.

This is such a mess, you know, I...

It does?

Yeah. You've been through a really rough stretch lately, and you're just

reaching out for someone to make you feel better.

Well, it's not working.

Well, hey, if you think about it, now there's really only one person you can

count on for happiness.

Yeah.

at me and i said no so nobody's got any idea what happened out

there today fine well maybe someone will remember when you're all on your fifth

mile i want everyone on the track in 10 minutes

Run carefully.

You're smart to keep your mouth shut, Dumb Bill.

You're a real genius, Cheese Wad.

All right, you know what? What is your problem?

You're my problem.

You had no business making a fool out of me. Oh, yeah? You look so stupid

watching me bang from tree to tree like George of the Jungle.

Hey, you don't think I know how they feel about women around here?

for me. I don't need anybody to be my big brother, so knock it off.

Unbelievable. You're rude and you're ungrateful. You know what? From now on,

can fight your own battles because I'm not watching your back anymore.

Good. Fine.

Starting now.

Finally. You know how I would have told that story? Some girl at work hurt my

neck. A lot more concise.

And the flowers are not for Sharon, right?

No. No, Irene.

What happened to the girl from the morgue?

Last time I saw her, she was driving off a cliff in a convertible with her best

friend.

I'm sorry, man.

If I comfort you, you won't kiss me, will you?

Visitor! You.

Yeah, I mean, I feel really bad about what happened.

I made you a card, so hopefully you'll be able to forgive me.

I'm sorry I kicked you out. It was wrong of me to shout.

So if you can forgive, I'll let your cats live in my bathtub or maybe in my

closet.

Now I feel bad about what Chairman Meow did in your shoes.

What did he do in my shoes?