All language subtitles for Two Guys and a Girl s03e16 A Rookie Script

And so, I've been appointed to the
fundraising committee at the Children's

Hospital. Wow.

Hey, you're really being a good person.
Yeah. I don't get it.

Look, we are proud of you, all right?
You let us know what we can do to help.

Okay. Actually, um, I'm organizing a
charity bachelor's auction.

Oh, home available anytime.

All right.

After that thing.

Park, please. I just need three more
guys.

Absolutely not. I know how these things
work, okay? A bunch of lonely, desperate

widows slobbering all over you.

Pete? Yeah, sounds good.

Who is it?

Irene!

It's Irene.

Hi. Hi.

Where's Pete?

Oh, he's not here. Oh, I thought I heard
his voice.

Well, when Cher and I, we answer
together, sounds like Pete.

Well, hey, do you think... It'd be all
right if I borrowed some of Pete's

clothes to sleep in.

No.

No, I'm asking.

Irene, I've got your cat.

I found the rascal in my plant. Oh, no,
no, no, no. He's just a little cutie.

Well, thank you.

Oh, you're just a little cutie.

And she's just a little creepy.

No, Ashley has been really nice lately.
Ever since she got a new boyfriend.

Ooh, Ashley has a new boyfriend?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who is he?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, well, just one of Pete's docs for
your trouble.

Jared,

how many weddings have you been in?
There's like five bridesmaids dressed as

here. Everything's gotta go.

You sure?

What if butt ugly comes back into style?

Hey, you know what? I just don't... I
don't need any of this stuff anymore. I

cleansing myself of the old
materialistic me.

Yeah, and while she's cleansing, I'm
making out like a bandit.

Hey, Johnny.

You know what? This thing doesn't work.
I want my money back.

Sorry, Pete. All sales final. But,
Johnny, I asked you... But? Nothing.

Hey, you're the one who wouldn't buy the
extended warranty for 50 cents.

But, no, Johnny, it's not fair. You know
what? At least throw in that fishing

pole. The fishing pole.

You're selling my fishing pole?

Baby, we agreed. We're changing our
lives.

No, I'm not changing. You're changing. I
was already good.

You don't need this.

You haven't been fishing for months.

I went last weekend.

Yes, and you were gone all day.

This is mine. It goes back in the closet
with my tackle box.

Hey, is a tackle box something that's
kind of square and smelly that you can

sell quick for about seven bucks?

Yeah.

Yeah, try getting groceries in it.

Wait, wait, hold on. That's Ashley and a
new boyfriend.

Oh, look at me. I have so much money.
What a loser.

Of course he is. Who else would date
Ashley?

Thanks. I had fun.

Hey, Pete. God, isn't it a beautiful
day?

I don't know. Why don't you go away and
I'll find out.

You are so funny.

I hear you got a new boyfriend, huh?

Oh, yeah. You might remember him. He
was, um, entertaining kids in

Oh, the fat clown. Congratulations.

No, the, um, other one.

Nomar Garciaparo?

Huh. Who would have thought there were
two Nomar Garciaparos in the world?

Well, one's the famous baseball player
and the other one's not too picky.

God, you're dating Nomar Garcia -Parr?
Did you hear that?

Well, it's hard not to when you squeal
like a little schoolgirl.

Oh, my God.

Do you know what this means? It means we
get to hang out with Nomar and he'll

give us box seats. And what's the cutoff
age for Batboys?

Ashley.

Oh, my God. It's him. It's him.

I almost forgot your purse. Oh, thanks,
Naomi.

So, hey, this is Pete, and this is Berg.

Berg?

That's a funny name.

Thank you for getting me this orderly
gig.

You're welcome.

So how long do I have to work here
before they make me a doctor?

Well, uh... Well, it's a seniority
system.

But I'll tell you, the next doctor that
dies, you're in.

Cool.

Hey!

Whoa, Ash, where are you going? It's the
middle of our shift.

Oh, well, they're letting me off early.

But we're swamped today.

Oh, I know. I feel bad, but Nomar's
getting his ESPY award, so the other

agreed to cover for me.

Nomar? ESPY award?

Berg, did you hear that?

Your old Betty's going out with a
baseball stud.

Yes, I've heard.

Man, that guy's a star.

Oh, you really traded up.

Thank you, germ.

I mean, look, you dumped her, and now
your ex -Betty is the Queen Betty.

She's the leader of all Bettys in the
free world.

Are you going to let him call you a
Betty?

Yeah, well, it would bother me if I
weren't the Queen Betty.

Oh, man, she's funny.

to take me shopping for my birthday.

Oh, oh, my God.

Where did you get these beautifully
colored dresses?

Oh, are they for sale? Or are they just
for show?

No, no, no, no, no. They're for sale.
Really? Oh, then I'm the lucky

at the end of this beautiful rainbow.

Guess I better take them all. How much?

Uh, five.

Hundred? Five hundred. You said it, five
hundred.

You want to just write me a check? Oh,
no, I don't believe in banks. They get

robbed all the time. I hide all my money
in my jewelry box.

Oh, hi, Berg.

Look at these pretty dresses I bought.
It's like I was practically in the

weddings.

You are too sad.

Oh, you tease.

Oh, God, what's with you?

Nothing. It's Ashley's new...

boyfriend and everything. Everyone
thinks he's so great because he's a

player. No, you know, he's a really
great guy.

How would you know?

Well, we all went out to dinner the
other night and he paid for everything.

Big hit with Johnny.

And he was great with those kids in the
hospital.

Oh, really? Did he heal them? Because
that's what I do.

Yeah, of course.

Because what you do is much more
important than what he does. Yes, that's

I've been saying. Uh -huh.

That's why you're the Perfect guy to
fill the last slot in the bachelor

No, I'm not going to be doing the
auction, okay?

I'll give you a chance to compete with
Nomar. Nomar's going to be in it?

That's right.

And he's going to be on your home turf.

You know that everyone at the hospital
loves me.

Yes, they do.

But, you know, I guess I'll just have to
settle for Nomar.

Hold it.

Sharon, don't you think I know what
you're trying to do?

You're protecting your new friend,
Nomar. Well, if it didn't work, count me

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have two
days to get a butt.

Man, I've sold all sorts of crap today.

Pete, all eyes are on you.

Because you're standing next to me.

I'll catch up with you in a sec. All
right? Okay.

Hey, Donnelly!

I got a present for you. What's that?

This is toast from my new toaster.

But look, look.

It's not crispy.

It's not crunchy.

You know, it's not even golden brown.
Well, look.

toast. It's bread.

You sold me a breader.

Oh, thank God. I was afraid you weren't
coming. Where have you been?

Sorry, Sheriff. Passed a mirror on the
way over.

You do look great. Yeah, you are looking
at the guy who's going to bring in more

money than any other bachelor.

Yeah. Bert, you know how I told you that
people would pay more for you than for

Nomar? Well, that in the charity
business is known as a lie.

You see, that's where you're wrong, my
friend. I own this place.

Watch.

Sharon, aren't you going to introduce me
to these lovely ladies?

Oh, oh, this is Mrs. Elliott.

She's one of the hospital's biggest
benefactors. Hi, Dr.

Michael Bergen. The May to your
December.

That is so charming.

Too bad this isn't a bachelorette
auction because I would be bidding on

Foxy.

Are you willing to take a turn?

Show me the money.

I'll see you on the auction block.

Wear your bifocals.

You can count on that.

Oh, my God.

That's no more.

Oh, give me a push and I'll touch his
buns.

You sold me a broken toaster.

So do something about it.

Fine, I will fix it.

Wait a minute. Can you believe that guy?
Look at him hogging the spotlight.

Yeah, I know. It pickens me when a
sports hero takes time out of his busy

schedule to raise money for kids.

No, no, no, no, no. He's just here for
the publicity.

You know, I'm here so the kids can get
their new... pony?

It's to build a new children's wing.

Well, we're not going to let the pony
run wild.

How about I buy my two buddies a couple
of drinks, huh?

Yeah, could you send mine over there?
I'm going to go say hi to Nomar.

Okay, well, I guess it's just you and
me, Pete.

Okay, go. Thanks.

Bartender?

Yes, sir. What's your poison?

What are you doing here?

Oh, just doing my part for charity.

Pouring a little booze for the kids.

Pour me a double.

Come on, you got to get over this no
more thing. He's just a man.

He takes a fastball in the temple. He's
just like you and me.

Oh, and here I was getting all down on
myself. The drink now.

I got just the thing. I invented it
myself.

It's called the germinator.

What's in it?

I can't tell you, but it cleans when it
flushes.

So you agree with me, right? It doesn't
matter that Sharon sold Johnny's tackle

box. He should give me my money, right?
Okay, okay, okay.

Deal is a deal. All right, Nomar, if you
have a bad season, do you give the

owners their money back?

That's a tough one.

But which answer will make you guys
leave?

Sorry, sorry, sorry, Nomar. Here you go.
Oh, gosh.

You guys knock it off?

We're here to help sick children.

Let's just try to be a little more
charitable.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Naomi.

Now remember, baby, no matter who buys
you, you're coming home to me.

Yeah.

And no more. Listen, I live right
downstairs, so stop by and play some

stickball.

Oh, Ash, you know what? I have a dress
that's just like that.

Not anymore.

You sold Ashley my dress?

I had to. We were all out of tackle
boxes.

Germ? I can't feel my lips.

You're in stage one, baby.

Hey, you.

Just wanted to wish you good luck
tonight.

You're wishing the wrong guy luck.

How many of those have you had?

I don't know.

Apparently the germinator attacks the
central nervous system.

Entering stage two.

Well, I'm going to a coat shack. Call me
if you need medical attention.

But I cannot get over how great you
look. Oh, thank you.

She's got some nerve selling her my
dress.

You're reaching the wrong guy, Luck.

He reminds me of my grandson.

And your grandson's a backstabbing liar.

You're wishing the wrong guy luck.

evening at my place.

Candlelight. Music.

Soft food.

500?

600. Burke, you can't bid on yourself.

like a bite of this green apple.

Huh? Huh?

Is that the humor? Normally very
attractive in a guy?

Now do I hear 400?

250?

Anything?

Look, look, people, let's remember why
we're here, okay? It's a charity, and a

charity...

county fair.

And I know that a lot of you don't think
I'm worth spit.

But I beg to differ.

I'll have you know that I'm worth tons
of spit.

There.

That'll teach you.

$100. Tom!

Thank you, sir.

Hey, Bert.

Will you take me for a ride in your car?

Sure. Sure, tomorrow. After I play
stickball with Pete.

After the auction.

Well, if you won't talk to me, I'm not
paying.

He's behind the bar.

Sharon, Irene is not back here. There
you are!

Oh, goody. Well, come on, Pete.

I want to drive up and see my parents.

They keep asking when they're going to
meet you.

How sick are these children?

I guess we'll see you Saturday, then.

You did a great job tonight, Sharon.

Thank you. We raised a lot of money, and
it's the first time in a long time that

I actually feel good about myself.

Well, I just want to apologize for my
behavior.

It's okay, Bart.

Deep in my heart you're gonna find
somebody that's just perfect for you.

we'll see how Saturday goes

In front!