Original subtitles

Can't believe this, Berg.

I can't believe I came down here to borrow a plunger and I wound up in your

bedroom.

Don't blame yourself.

Oh, I don't. I blame you. We agreed not to do this anymore.

I didn't plan it. Oh, yeah, right.

Hey, Berg, can I borrow a plunger? Oh, sure, Ash. Let me just put on some

Gaye while we look for it.

I know.

I know. I'm sorry. You are not sorry, because if you were sorry, you wouldn't

have done it. I know. I know.

I'm not really sorry.

Ferg, we are supposed to be friends.

First, you dumped me for no good reason, and now you're messing with my head.

It's not nice.

She never was much of a cuddler, was she?

No, she's right.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I can't date right. I can't break up right. I shouldn't be with anyone.

I could love a bad name.

I have to be stopped and I'm just the guy to do it.

Good for you, Bert.

Yeah, you know, I'll just hang out with you.

Yeah, we'll get a big screen TV, a couple of recliners, live out the rest

days in peace.

No more women. You with me?

Oh, one sec.

No.

This place was busy last night.

Hey, baby.

Hey, found something for you?

Oh, what is it?

They're having a big wedding dress sale.

I didn't know there was such a thing.

That's a riot.

Actually, I was thinking you might want to check it out.

Johnny. I spent four months picking out my wedding dress. It's a cocoa bocce. A

cocoa bocce.

Well, it's straining our budget. Straining our budget.

Okay, then I'll just have to ask my dad to chip in a little more. No, he's

already paying for the church and the hall and the catering. All right, then

I'll just have to dip into the house account. No, not again.

No. See, just as my pride won't allow me to go to your father, your pride won't

allow you to dip into the nest egg.

It won't?

Oh, you're way too proud.

Well, then what are we going to do?

Johnny, stop fooling around. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let me put this into perspective for you.

You buy that dress, and we can't afford to invite my family to the wedding.

Hey. No.

What is so important about this dress?

Because this dress is going to make the wedding.

Everybody is focused on the bride. Come on, don't you want me to look perfect?

Sweetie, you would look perfect if you came to the wedding wearing overalls.

Yes, but I want our wedding to look different from your sister's.

Just think about it.

All right.

But I was just thinking... My family is coming.

Okay, okay.

I think I'm going to call Julie.

You just are this morning.

Want my advice?

What?

What? I just saw your alleged ex -girlfriend flee your apartment, hit you

the head with a plunger, and you're asking me if I want your advice.

It's just funny.

Hey, chef.

Hey, I need your advice.

Asberg is on a roll.

I gotta make a phone call.

Look at this dress. Stunning, right?

Yeah, it's beautiful.

Well, this is the one that I've been dreaming about wearing.

But Johnny wants me to get a dress at this... sale.

I mean, who buys a wedding dress at a sale?

I bought a sweater on sale once, and I can't explain it, but... people knew.

The blue knit?

Okay, I see.

I'm sorry to bother you.

Okay. Bye -bye.

You're terrible. I wrote her number down wrong.

Remember when I didn't want a guy to call me?

I'd give him the number to the gay men's chorus.

It's a bad time for that story, Cher.

Yeah.

Disposal shot.

I'll just switch it for the new one.

God, Sharon's so lucky to have you. Yeah, I keep telling her.

I've always dated smart guys who couldn't change a light bulb. I really

regular people.

I'm going to give you a chance to rephrase that.

What? Oh, no, no, no. Gosh, don't take it the wrong way.

I'm just saying, you're not complicated. You're simple. I like that.

I meant rephrase it nicer.

Come on, Johnny. Why are you being so sensitive?

I mean, you're handy. That's a good thing.

I mean, I couldn't fix this thing.

That's right. Well, I mean, I could if I had a book or something.

I mean, hey, it's not like it's physics.

But I don't have to. You're here.

Well, not anymore.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where are you going?

Fix it yourself.

Oh, wait. Come on, Johnny. Come back. You're smart. I'm sure you know lots of

things that I don't even care about.

That's 13 Julie Sutton's down, one to go.

A department store is never going to have my dress.

Well, then you'll just get another one and that'll be your dress.

Hey, you're not being a very good girlfriend.

Bert, help.

Look at all the women I'm not going to marry.

Oh, it's ringing.

Sure. Sure, yeah, I lured them in with my dazzling charm and a quick wit.

But it's not fair because in the end, I'm just a heartbreaker.

I am.

Hello, is this Julie Sutton?

This is Pete.

Did you sleep with me last night?

Well, no. I think I wrote down her number wrong.

No, she did not blow me off.

Pete, why don't you just give up? I mean, I appreciate your optimism, but

really.

Jared, she did not blow me off. All right? Last night was about something

Come on. Pete, every woman you meet, you run around saying, she and I connected.

I'm telling you, guys, this time it was different.

How? She and I had a connection.

You know, remember when you met Johnny?

You just knew, right?

Yeah. And, Bird, you knew when... When you saw that belt you were wearing,

right?

I appreciate you trying to keep me in the conversation, Pete.

I'm just thinking, when am I going to meet a girl like that? There she is!

Julie! Julie, it's Pete!

I broke your... Julie!

Julie! I broke your number down wrong!

Julie!

Julie! Julie!

Hi. It's not going to work.

Freely turning, Tim.

Step three.

The garbage disposal should easily come unfastened from the housing.

Ease up, Tim. I'm still on step two.

And remember, we need to remove any bracelets or watches that might get

Well, maybe we should have made that step one, Tim.

Yeah, does anyone else think mannequins are hot?

Okay, Pete, get in there and start breaking wind.

No voting accident.

Stay here with him, and I'm going to look on the other side of the store.

You're going to a wedding, you want to show up the bride.

to wear jewelry when you work on plumbing.

Yeah. Yeah, you can't see it, but I'm showing you a finger.

I can take care of that.

So you've been here all day, huh? You must really have to go to the bathroom.

Oh, God.

Yeah, I'm trying not to think about it. Yeah, I can't blame you.

Simple?

I thought you said that was a good thing. Hmm.

Johnny Confused.

What do you want from me?

I want you to say you're sorry and admit to yours.

one -night stand before you got married?

You used me.

No. No, Pete, it was more than that.

Look, I didn't mean for this to happen, but it's just there was this feeling

between us.

Could it be described as a connection?

Yes.

Okay, all right, all right. So I'm not out of my mind. Not at all.

I just couldn't give you my number because my fiancé is a little paranoid.

Imagine that.

Not my style, but still very nice. I know. I can't believe they have it here.

It's the only one like it.

Guys, just switch the lights to the mirror. We're so long.

I know. All I want to do is see how the bath helps me get out of here. Yeah, me

too, but the woman said it was going to be up to a four -hour wait. Right,

honey? There is a lot of hot brides in here.

Hey, hey, you know, we're roughly the same size. I mean, why don't I try on

yours and you can try on mine, then we can both see the baths.

Not if she steals it.

And the only thing more

wrong than what I said was not admitting how wrong I was to have said it.

Keep going.

And so not only do I owe you an apology, but all... people like you, and if

you'd like, I will go on the home shopping channel and apologize to them

personally.

Or I can just chew your arm off like the coyotes do.

Well, Johnny, I cannot win with you. You're obviously doing this to torture

You just can't seem to understand how you are.

Hasn't anyone ever made you feel stupid?

No.

How many years of school have you had?

A year of prep school, four years of college, and three years of med school.

And yet you are going to die in a sink.

Johnny, that's not gonna... Oh.

Welcome to stupid.

Johnny, I am so sorry.

Apology accepted.

Now, finish this up for you?

You're a good guy.

Thanks.

I am going to go wash up, and if you happen to be done before I get back,

here is just a little something for your trouble.

Oh, God, I did it again.

See, now, a dumb guy would give that back.

Take it off!

No, it's mine!

Mine! What's going on? It's a long story, but it's given me a great idea

pay -per -view special.

Okay, this is getting out of hand, all right? Just give the woman her dress.

My wedding will be ruined if I don't have this dress.

Please, please, you don't understand.

My happiness depends on this.

If the sanctity of your marriage depends on a lousy gown, then I feel sorry for

you and the man that you're going to marry.

So I can keep it?

And every time you look at it, I hope you remember how low you sunk to get it.

And I'm taking your clothes.

Well, honey.

There. Looks like you got everything you wanted.

Yeah. I feel really lucky.

Oh, all right.

Sharon, you know what? You're calling a lot of attention to us.

Look, she's the prettiest bride on the subway.

I can't believe she's getting married.

Nah, just like my girlfriend.

I'm sorry, man.

Nah, don't be. No, they don't all work out.

How do you think they're positive?

You know, you only go around in this world once, Berg, and I think it's

important to remember, fiancé or not,

I got me some lovin' last night.

I did too, but I feel guilty about it. Oh, come on. Stop beating yourself up.

Ashley will get over you.

I don't know.

Pretty special.

You know what? It'll happen.

And you know what?

Maybe she'll even learn a lesson.

Stay away from the special one.

Well, that's a good way to look at it.

Change in the world. One girl at a time.

Oh, hey, Cher.

Cher, there's a seat over here.

You guys are such gentlemen.

So, are you ready to talk yet?

That woman was right.

No, she wasn't. Yes, she was. I'm a horrible person.

What does my happiness with Johnny have to do with this lousy dress?

Hey, this dress is going to make the wedding.

Did I actually say that?

Look at my values get so out of whack.

I didn't used to be like this. I wanted simpler things.

Well, you have Johnny.

You know what, do you remember how I used to be in college?

I mean, I didn't care about how I looked or what I wore. I cared about things

that mattered.

I like that person.

Look, Sheriff, wherever you decide to be,

we're still going to be here.

No matter what.

Okay. I know.

By the way, he's had some gum.

We don't need to release doves. Doves are too expensive.

Pigeons will be just fine.

Okay. And no limo. We'll just grab a cab.

If that's what you want.

And we don't need to buy our own flowers.

Hey, maybe we'll luck out and the church will have a funeral right before us.

Thanks for putting up with me.

Wow.

That was some sale.