Original subtitles

I twisted my knee. Oh, nothing.

If it weren't for him, Chairman Meow would still be stuck in the rain gutter.

I'm a super. I'll just burn the job, man.

Irene, get that thing away from me. I told you, I'm allergic.

See, look, a hive.

I got a hair in my throat.

Well, Chairman Meow's had a hard day.

I'm going to put a little Kahlua in his milk.

And a little nip for Mommy.

Okay, okay, let's just get you comfortable.

Thank you.

Are you all right? Yes, it just ain't this red thing.

What are you? You're not even a couch.

Hey, what's this?

Hey,

this is Berg and Pete.

Huh?

What is... Oh, my God!

That's Irene's apartment!

The old super had this whole building under surveillance.

What's that doing? Ah!

Ah!

Oh, my God!

He had a monitor in his own apartment?

That is just vain!

Should I get more bangs?

Look, there's Ashley.

Oh, she's crying.

Hey, there's Berg making a phone call.

Look, he called Ashley.

And hung up.

Oh, Ashley, you started 69ing.

each other, and they're just too proud to make the first move.

Oh, no, honey, you know what? I don't think you should interfere.

If God did not want me to interfere, then why did he send me these monitors

knock you off a roof?

Hey, Berg.

I'm Substitute Super.

All the work?

None the butt crack.

Came to fix your sink.

It's not broken.

Berg, wait.

Who's wearing the hammer?

You're the super. But you know who's really super? Ashley.

Yeah, you see, you do have a leak.

What is with me lately? I keep misplacing stuff.

My sunglasses, my Patriots hat.

Have you seen my puka shells?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, ease up.

Can't you see the man's lonely?

Why don't you go up and talk to Ashley? Ashley, she's upstairs feeling lonely,

too. Really?

Bert, forget Ashley.

Listen, there's this girl at work I can set you up with. She's a body model.

They use parts of her body in movies.

Is she pretty?

I don't know.

Good enough for me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Obviously there's something wrong with

mean, why don't you ask her out?

Oh, yeah, and make everyone sit through another sexual harassment lecture?

Get me your number.

Hello?

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, I'll tell her. All right.

Johnny said you're going to need caulking.

Oh, oh, oh. Okay, thank you.

That's what I'll tell him when I see him.

Hey, pretty cat.

I'm allergic.

Allergic to courage.

That's funny. You want to hear something funnier?

I set Berg up on a date.

Well, I guess those who can't, fed up.

Actually, look, when you smirk like that, you can see the little web of

around your eyes.

was you. You know how? Every time you knock on the door, the cats run to the

other side of the apartment.

Well, aren't they smarter than their owner?

He made me promise not to tell, but Pete is secretly in love with you.

Well, then why does he always avoid me?

Partly because he's shy, but mostly because he's stupid.

I knew it.

Well, I'll get that little almond out of his shell.

Hey, Sharon. What are you doing?

Oh, spreading love and cocking.

Sit down.

Oh, yeah. Well, Pete just told me that he set Berg up on a date.

I guess it upset me more than I thought it would.

Well, he doesn't want to go out with her. He misses you. That's why he keeps

calling and hanging up.

He told you that?

Yeah, and that's not all he told me. He's only going out on that date to make

you jealous.

God, what a jerk. Yeah, and you've got to be a bigger jerk.

Oh, I don't know.

Come on, I know you can.

Yeah, just beat him to the punch. Find a date of your own.

Hey. Hey. What happened? I couldn't see Ashley's reaction. It kept blocking my

shot. The camera loves you. Stop it.

Okay, I told Ashley about Berg's date with the body parts model and said that

she should just grab any guy she can get her hands on.

I thought you wanted them to get together.

Baby, baby, baby.

Nothing ignites true love more than jealousy and insecurity.

Nice work, Cupid.

Ooh, look. Irene took a hit of whipped cream. She's on the move.

Irene's breaking into Pete and Berg's.

Hey, we got to do something.

Yeah, I'll make popcorn.

Oh, my God.

So she's the one that's taking Pete's stuff.

Pete's coming back.

She just bites an apple and leaves it on the counter.

No.

Irene, what is she doing?

Witchcraft.

Wicked witchcraft.

See, there's something in that chair. I can't quite make it out.

We're not turning off these monitors.

You know, honey, you can take the tool belt off now.

Yeah, I don't know. I kind of like it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Berg and the body double are getting comfortable on the couch.

And, of course, now I have to go to the bathroom.

Hollywood is all about looks.

People think of you as just a body.

You're a body double.

I am an actress who happens to act without her face or words.

So without me, a certain star would have had to show her own armpit in G .I.

Jane.

Do you know who I'm talking about?

No, I didn't notice any of the actors. I was so mesmerized by that armpit.

I like you.

All right.

First getting back in the saddle.

I mean, what a whore.

It says, Irene's been taking my stuff.

Why is your couch facing the wall?

Oh, Johnny was entertaining me with his shadow puppets.

That's a buggy.

So Irene's taken your stuff. Who would have guessed, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to go over there and ask for it back, but... Ask

for it back, but...

practical joke.

That's no joke.

And if it is, I don't get it.

Hey, hey, you didn't get it from me, but this is Irene's key and she's not home,

so why don't you just go back in there and get your stuff? No, I can't go over

there. I'm allergic to cats.

Okay, okay, then you're just gonna have to hold your breath.

Uh, you know, uh, Mr. Russell on the third floor, he has some scuba

Yeah, and he's not using it right now. He's just sitting around eating chicken.

chicken. You know what separates

me from five other top surgeons in Boston?

They're interesting?

Nope. I shuffle.

If you're going to be a surgeon, it's important to maintain your dexterity.

is why I dabble in magic.

Pick a card.

Try again.

Okay, Houdini. Time to disappear.

No, she's kicking him out already?

Yeah, well, novelty acts get no respect.

Yeah, but God's scoring.

I'm gonna go metal.

Okay, honey.

Good luck.

Nice of you to walk me down.

Well, I just wanted to make sure that you are safely out of the building.

Well, hello, Bergen.

Well, if it isn't the master of illusion.

Uh, Berg?

Hmm.

Yes. Well, I was just showing Dr.

Dwell... Vonneveld. It's just like Vonneveld, but with a Z.

Well, I was just showing him to my apartment for a nightcap.

Come on, Howie. Let's go make some magic.

All right, but I usually work alone.

No one.

She had perky breasts.

Listen, Tina, I'm not feeling too well, okay? So maybe we should call it a

night. Oh.

I think I know what's going on here.

Look, it's not... No.

You don't have to lie to me. I am an actress.

I observe people for a living.

My celebrity intimidates you, doesn't it?

Wow. Then you must... also be able to sense my overwhelming respect for you.

Well, that was quite a change of heart.

Wait till you see this one. Keep your coat on.

Okay. Let's say that this were a magic show and you needed to

vanish, but you couldn't use the front door.

What would you do?

Use the fire escape.

That reminds me, I meant to fix that fire escape.

Hey, Pete.

Bergen!

Bergen!

Bergen!

Bergen!

Did you just appear that you're getting good?

The sink is still leaking. Honey, I told you to caulk. Yes, but you didn't tell

me what caulk was.

Run up there and put a bucket under their sink or something before it floods

whole apartment.

No, no, no.

Who is it?

Bird.

I have company.

Yeah, and he just jumped into my arms off the fire escape.

What happened to your date? Did her elbow get an audition?

Sharon told me that you were miserable.

Well, Sharon told me that you only went out with that body model to make me

jealous.

She seems to be a little bit too involved to know a whole lot more than

supposed to.

No

Ashley, get him some water.

Oh, my God!

Wow. A Pete dummy. How redundant.

Pete, are you all right?

Wow, for a minute there, I thought it was a goner.

Well, you're safe now.

He's in the bathtub watching all the cat fur off a woman playing deep sea diver.

Hey, I'm sorry I messed things up for you with your date.

That's okay.

I wasn't going anywhere. I just wanted to be with someone.

So you did miss me?

Not really.

Listen, I know what you're going through.

It's like when you have this... big ugly couch in the middle of your living room

and and you just can't wait to get rid of it but then when you finally throw it

out you got the empty space where that stupid insensitive self -absorbed couch

used to be i don't really understand decorating i

know it's not going to be easy for either one of us but ultimately it's

better to be alone than to be with somebody who's not right for you i agree

I agree. You know, Ash, you're going to get along just fine without a couch.

Thank you, Bert.

Yeah, what you need is something to walk all over, like a rug.

That's typical couch talk.

Looks like they're not getting back together.

Well, I tried.

So what was in that chair in Irene's apartment?

Oh, it was the voodoo shrine at Pete.

Some people's lives are so empty and sad.

Yeah. They don't have what we have.

Monitors.

Let's go watch the breach.

Wake up.

Hey, what'd I miss?

Nobody's home.

Where'd everybody go?

Hey,

kids.

Is there something you want to talk to us about?