Original subtitles

Hey, you know what, honey?

I think this basement's really common together. I mean, took a little getting

used to, but I think it's kind of homey.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, oh!

And maybe later, the guards will give us a half hour in the yard.

Hey, guys.

If all this Y2K hysteria turns out to be true, our neighborhood has an old bomb

shelter. Hey, hey, hey! Let me guess. I'm cleaning it!

So, uh, what's going on for New Year's?

I don't know. Sharon won't tell me the details. That's right. I'm planning a

very intimate, romantic dinner.

Until what? Eight o 'clock? No jeans?

Sorry, Pete.

Charlie and I discussed it, and as much as we love our friends, I want to spend

the last night of the century in the arms of the man I love.

Were these in the toilet?

Hello, hello.

Hey, Ash, what brings you down here?

Cloven hooves.

Ah, Pete, the reason people no longer buy mistletoe.

So, uh, guys, if you don't have plans, I am having a New Year's party.

Nothing huge, just a few friends. What do you say?

Oh, that's so sweet, but Johnny and I are going to spin it together.

Pete? Wait a minute, let me get this straight.

You are inviting me to your party.

You're not going to fill me with candy and whack me with a stick, are you?

No, it's the new year, and my resolution is to be a more compassionate person

and to get along with those around me.

Oh, my God, the world really is going to end.

Hello, Bird.

Hey, Ashley, how you doing? What's that smile about?

What did you do to Pete?

Nothing.

Look, it's the new year, so...

Why don't we just wipe the slate clean and try and be kind and friendly to each

other? Can we do that?

You know what, Ash?

I'd love to be friends.

Great. Well, I am having a New Year's party.

Just some people, cheap champagne, karaoke, and you, if you'd like to come.

Sounds great, but I can't, actually. I'm on duty.

Yes!

Sorry, that was just a holdover from 1999.

Hello, Dr. Walker.

Dr. Vamasey.

So, what did you do for Christmas?

I worked.

Oh. Yes, I spent the holiest night of the year treating a wise man who

his beard with crazy glue.

What did you do?

Oh, I went home to visit my family.

Well, that sounds nice. Oh, great. Next year, I'll send you.

So, hey,

what are you doing for New Year's?

Nothing. I put my name on the list for ER.

Oh, hey. Hey, hey, you should come to my party. I mean, it's nothing much, but,

you know, I'd love to see you out of your scrubs.

I mean, in other clothes, in normal clothes. Just come.

What a treat. I was expecting pizza, but here's something even more delicious.

Listen, um... Irene, I want to do something nice, but

honestly, I'm afraid.

Oh, Pete Dunville, the only thing you should be afraid of is kryptonite.

Right. Well, listen, um...

All right, there's this party upstairs, and you're probably going to hear about

it, so I was wondering if you'd like to... Be your date. Not my date.

Not my date.

But if you wanted to come with me and... And kiss you at midnight.

No, see, that's the thing I'm afraid of.

All right, look, Irene, I don't want you left out on New Year's Eve, okay? So I

would like you to come with me to Ashley's party, provided... Calm down.

provided you can act like a normal person for a couple of hours.

Oh, Pete Dunville, I am on cloud 99 that you are asking me to be your escort on

the eve of a new and grand era.

I am not only honored.

I'm up to the task.

Okay, right there. None of that.

Okie dokie, artichokie. And no rhyming.

Can do. Oh, Kitty Bum Bum was having a party for the rest of the cat.

Oh, well, I'll just slip out quietly.

Remember the buzzword.

Normal.

Mr.

Goulet.

Yes.

Oh, my God, it is you.

You sound surprised.

Have you been misplacing patients?

No, no, it's just that we've had four Tom Jones this month and not one of them

have panned out.

So, what seems to be the trouble?

Magazines here suck.

Oh, that's a children's magazine.

I know, it sucks.

Hey, that's my magazine.

You'll make a great ex -wife someday.

Mr. Goulet, we know you didn't come here for the magazines.

Yeah, I've had an earache the last couple of days, and last night on the

felt a little dizzy.

Oh, well, let's have a look, shall we? Mm -hmm.

Okay, say ah.

Ah!

Well, I'm not sure, but I'll check with my attending. It looks to me like you

have an inner ear infection. They're going to give you some drop.

You want to keep it warm and no flying for a couple of days, okay?

You've got to be kidding, Doc. I'm on a flight to Las Vegas tonight. I'm

performing New Year's Eve.

I'm sorry.

Doc, we have a superstition in my business. You have to perform New Year's

or else you're through.

Well, if you just want to sing, you know, my friend's having a party.

Would it be at a casino with a 200 -foot stage and 60 topless dancers?

No.

It would be in a small apartment with boring people and a karaoke machine.

Really? I love karaoke.

Wow, the bathroom is so luxurious to me now.

It has a door and everything.

I feel like I just had a day at the spa.

Come in.

Is Berg here? He asked me to stop by. Not yet. Hey, while you're here, listen,

I'm bringing someone to the party. Is that okay?

Sure. If you can afford to pay her all the way through midnight.

He's taking Irene.

I bet she wears a diaper and comes as baby New Year.

No, no, no, no. It'll be something more subtle.

She'll probably bathe herself in urine, put chewing gum on her head, and come as

Times Square.

She wouldn't do that.

Would she?

I don't see why not.

I mean, unless one of her cats talks her out of it.

Hello, people.

Hey. Oh, hey, Bert. I got your number. What's so important that you couldn't

leave it on my machine?

I talked one of my patients into coming to your party. He's agreed to entertain.

You can thank me later.

It's Robert Goulet.

Robert Goulet.

Roberto Goulet!

then while we're down in the basement having our special evening.

Would you rather see Robert Goulet than spend time alone with me? Only if you

do. I don't. Then neither do I.

Hey, I get to come to the party after all. Hey, that's great.

Oh, yeah. Well, you should probably know. I have a date.

Oh, it won't bother me.

I mean, I'm bringing Bobby Goulet.

How's your get -off -work? Oh, I traded chips with that British guy, Dr.

Vamathy. What?

You jerk!

What'd I do?

you know exactly what you did. You saw me inviting Dr. Vamathy and then you

switched with him. We were supposed to be nice to each other and you couldn't

even last one day.

Well, congratulations, Berg. You've managed to ruin two centuries for me.

Where?

I didn't know.

Oh, my God.

I have seen gum in Irene's hair.

Even the Teletubbies have a New Year's special.

Barb, what are you doing? Come on, get in the shower and get dressed. Irene's

coming in a few minutes.

If I go to the party, Ash and I are just going to take shots at each other all

night, and I'm not going to start off the New Year with the same old bad

pattern. Well, you know what? If you're not going, I'm not going.

As your best friend, my place is right here with you.

Second thoughts about Irene? What was I thinking?

Oh, God, Bert, I'm not cut out to be a good person.

That's why the Lord gave us good looks.

That's her. What do you want to do?

I don't know. Make up an excuse. Okay.

Make it believable.

I will.

And don't hurt her feelings.

Wait. Make me look good.

Hey, Pete. What?

Hi.

Good evening, Berg. Is Peter ready?

Damn.

Pete, I think you're going to want to take a look at this.

You sure?

Pretty sure.

Berg,

how long was I unconscious?

Is that you? You look amazing.

Oh, Kitty Bum Bum said the same thing.

Okay, it's you.

Thanks. Shall we go?

Yeah.

Oh, uh, Bird. Go, go, go. Have fun. Happy New Year.

You sure?

Yeah, I'll be fine. I'm going to have a great time.

All right. Okay.

I'm going to crash Kitty Bum Bum's party.

You've done something different with your... self.

Why, yes, and I have a date for New Year's. And you.

Hello, Irene.

Excuse me. Is this the party? Oh, yes, it is. Oh, please, Mr. Goulet, come in.

I've had more people in my bathtub.

Oh.

Gosh, I'm sorry the party's so small.

No, no, no, that doesn't bother me. Five people or 5 ,000.

Just crank up that old karaoke machine because your daddy is ready to sing.

Sharon, I can hear him.

Robert Goulet is singing in my pipes.

That's great, baby. Are you ready for surprise number one?

Uh -huh, sure, honey.

Hey!

Trying to be sexy here.

And doing a great job, honey.

Are we making too much noise?

Robert Goulet is not noise, young lady.

Goulet and I on a tour bus.

That's noise.

Hey, Bob!

Remember me?

Hey, Ash, this party's turned out to be pretty good. Well, I'm glad you're

having a good time, because I don't know anyone here, and thanks to your

roommate, I don't even have a date.

Any opportunity he can find to make me more miserable, he takes it.

You're running low on beer.

Hey, I have your punch, Avery.

Irene? Oh, I'm sorry, Pete.

There is just something hypnotic about this music man.

Oh, he touches the woman inside of me. His words speak to my soul.

He just sang Car Wash.

Not now, Pete.

I'm still feeling goulet.

Were you just in apartment E? Did you see Mr. Goulet? Yes, and I'm coming

back. It ain't Goulet without a jack and seven.

Donnie.

Keep it down, Goulet. We're trying to have a romantic evening down here.

You're out here trying to listen to Robert Goulet. What is with you and

Goulet? You're like a freak for Robert Goulet.

Okay.

Okay, look.

My grandfather used to play his records all the time, and he would sing along,

and I'd fall asleep on his lap. And you know what, sweetie?

I never felt so safe and so loved.

Somehow, hearing Robert Goulet sing, it just brings my grandfather a little bit

closer.

Your grandfather moved to Florida with his home health care worker.

What, does someone have to be dead for it to be a good memory?

Johnny.

Johnny.

The unbeatable foe. It's an impossible dream.

To bear with unbearable power.

To reach the unreachable night.

Thank you, thank you. I'm going to take a break right now.

Don't forget to tip your waitresses.

Mr. Goulet.

I was a waitress once. Do you have a tip for me?

Yes. Watch out for older men.

Oh, Mr.

Goulet.

Call me Bob Goulet.

Oh, it is you.

Excuse me?

We take the same train.

You smiled at me once, but I was too shy to say hi.

But I made the New Year's resolution to not let opportunities slip away.

Oh, that's nice. Would you excuse me? I have to slip away.

I don't really miss the audiences that much. You know what I really miss?

And I don't share this with everyone.

I am your safe harbor, Bob Goulet.

I really miss my cats.

All seven of them.

Oh, goody.

Between us, we have almost 50 cats.

Okay.

You're not moving in on my date, are you, Mr. Goulet?

Yes, I am.

Oh, hey.

Hi. Dr. Fantasy.

How long have you been here? 20 minutes. Great party. I came as soon as I found

out Robert Goulet was here. Oh, wow. Who told you? Bergen. He showed up at the

hospital and insisted on taking my shift.

Really? Yeah.

He really is a great guy.

Yeah. Yeah, sometimes he surprises you.

So, hey, are you going to stick around for a while?

Absolutely. Goulet and I are on the lift to sing the Tomato Tomato song.

The next time we open a champagne bottle, what do we do?

We point it away from our face.

Hello, Bert.

Hey, Ashley, how's the party?

It's great.

Goulet's a big hit.

Listen, I wanted to thank you for holding up your end of the resolution

apologize for the whole Dr. Vanity misunderstanding.

I should have given you more credit.

Oh, well, thank you. No, no, thank you.

It's nice to see that we can really just be friends.

So, Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

Johnny?

I'm in the bathroom, honey, just a minute.

Okay.

Come on, come on, come on, come on. Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Wow, this reminds me of cutting through the kitchen at the Sands.

Sharon, honey, I'm really sorry.

No, no, no, baby, I'm sorry. The point of this whole night should be that we

both have a good time and that it's one that we'll always remember.

Exactly what I was thinking.

Okay, okay, okay.

When he comes out, you start singing.

Okay, here I come.

If ever I

would leave you.

Wouldn't be in summer.

Seeing you in summer.

Some hug.

What is it with us? We either fight or we have sex.

Yeah. We ought to find some middle ground.

That could be our New Year's resolution.

Great.

Can you get my clothes for me?

I need to get back to my date.

Happy New Year.

This century's gonna stop.

You say

either, and I say either.

You say neither, and I say neither.

Either, either, neither, neither.

You say potato.

You say tomato.

And I say tomato. Thank you. Potato. Potato.

Tomato. Tomato.

Holy, holy.

What?

I'm supposed to sing with him.

You know what? You've been hogging the machine all night, Goulet.