Original subtitles

Oh, hey.

Hello, Ashley's dish towel.

Oh, I'm so sorry you can't stay.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't be sad. Don't be sad.

Look, all your friends are in the box.

How was the gym?

Everything in there was so heavy.

I know you're trying to avoid Ashley, but don't you think getting in shape is

little extreme?

No. No, it's not. I am sick and tired of dealing with that little pain in...

Ashley's here, Ashley.

You didn't tell me she was here. You didn't tell me she moved in, so we're

Well, this is the last of my stuff.

Everything else is already up at Sharon and Johnny's.

Okay, then.

Thanks, Pete.

Hey.

Berg, I can't let it end this way.

I'm still not sure what went wrong between us.

But even though we're not going to be together, we're still going to be seeing

lot of each other.

But for the last time, if there is anything you want to say to me, now's

chance.

Um... Isn't it funny?

You only realize how much stuff you have when you move.

Wow.

Deeper than I expected.

Is she really gone? I think so.

Yeah, the temperature just went up.

Woo -hoo!

Finally, we have the place back to ourselves.

Oh, yeah.

This house is clean.

I knew it. I knew it. See, she's like Satan's boomerang.

Hi, Pete.

I'm moving in.

Since the breakup, she has not aged well.

Why is there a poster of Barbara Walters over my bed?

Because they ran out of Ruth Buzzy.

All right, well, when are you planning on going home to Grandma?

No way I'm going home to that harpy.

At least call her and let her know you're all right.

Hey, she's 81. She thinks I'm in the other room.

Enough with these cigars, all right? My bedroom smells like Clint Eastwood's

Range Rover.

Oh, I know.

what you want.

What's that behind your ear?

Suddenly it's not so smoky around here.

All right, all right, quit it. You make a lousy runaway and you're much too old

to be a teenage prostitute.

This from the Avon lady.

I am not an Avon lady.

I'm the vice president of sales for a very, very big cosmetic company. Berg,

tell him. Sure.

Pete is leading the charge to bring back pink.

Thank you, Berg. And you, call Grandma and don't pretend to be her dead sister

again.

Whoa! That's a lot of pills you got there, Charlie.

You know, if those are Viagra, you're going to be walking in front of me.

No, no, no.

My buddy Vic takes this pink one for his stomach.

And the yellow ones are for Sally's arthritis.

And these are in case Lou gets a little backed up.

You know, Charlie, for just a little extra, a doctor can

prescribe pills chosen especially for you.

Doctors are idiots.

I haven't seen a doctor in 14 years.

I don't believe in them.

Yes, apparently you trust pharmacists.

Well, they're tall.

Charlie, you need to get a checkup, all right? Why don't you come with me to the

hospital? What do you say?

No way. Half of my friends are in the hospital, and they're all sick.

All right.

But don't come crying to me when Carol's estrogen makes your boobies grow.

Mmm, smells good. What are you making?

One of my special omelets.

Uh, Johnny, I haven't bought eggs in months.

This will make some special.

Morning. Morning.

Ashley.

What are you doing?

I'm only wearing underwear.

Johnny, did you forget that I was moving in? No.

Yeah.

Can you go in the back for a second? This fly doesn't button.

Johnny, I'm a doctor.

You're not my doctor.

For God's sake, Ashley lives here now. It's not a big deal. Just get used to

Look, if it makes you feel better, I won't even look.

I see London.

I'm in for ten.

What'll that cost me?

You let me take your blood pressure?

No.

Wait.

Make it 20.

And I get to peek up your nose.

Call.

I never would have let you talk me into this if I thought you could play poker.

You should have taken me up on racquetball. I was bluffing.

Can't tell Pete I let you do this.

Yeah, he'd be just sick with jealousy.

and you can't tell him. I know my rights.

Fine. Let me eat some fluid.

He gave you a gallon of blood.

The other fluid.

No way. Come on, Charlie. Work with me here. You win, you get ten bucks.

I win?

I get a cup of urine.

At the senior center, we play for pretzels.

Hey, hey.

Grandpa,

you went into your room to have a cigar?

What?

Why didn't he just sit out here with you?

He didn't want to bother me with the smoke.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Come on now, you two love taking shots at each other. You're like Felix and

Oscar, but without the sexual tension.

Love it, admit it.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I do love seeing them.

Hey. Hey, Pete, you're home. Ding dong.

Avon calling.

Yes, that's very funny. You'll have to do that to me every time I visit you at

the home.

Ah, Pete, I'm sorry I gave you a hard time about your job.

I tried some of that soap you sell. It isn't half bad. See?

See, I told you, it's a good company, Grandpa. And I'm proud of your work.

Thank you.

Oh, by the way, did you call Grandma?

Yeah, yeah.

You're sure?

Well, I hope so, or else I told a perfect stranger about my morning bowel

movement.

I am so sorry. Oh, no, no, no. It's my fault. I didn't see anything.

Not that there wasn't anything to see, but I didn't see those either.

I should just go.

Oh, God, Johnny, what's going on? Nothing.

Nothing at all.

He saw my boob.

It was an accident. I was just walking along, and then there they were.

Dee, did the boob scare you?

Just forget it. I'm going to my bedroom.

What for?

Okay, I'm going outside.

Hey,

Ashley. Oh, oh, gee, you don't live in this room, do you? I don't have to move

out. No, look, I really need to talk to you. Oh, no, no thanks, Ferg.

It's too late. I gave you an opportunity to talk before, but no, you had nothing

to say. And now we're at the hospital, where it is completely unprofessional to

talk about our personal lives.

I'd like your opinion on these tests.

Oh, sure.

But if you had wanted to talk about personal stuff, then you would have been

wrong.

Oh, gosh, this is really bad.

Charlie, Pete's grandfather.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

What does the doctor have to say? No, he doesn't have a doctor.

I think the last doctor he saw bled him with leeches.

I had to run these tests myself.

Well, how'd you get his samples?

I drew a straight.

You know who's great? Dr.

Grayson. And I bet... You can get Charlie into bed. No, I can't get him

hospital. He thinks all doctors are idiots.

Can you really blame him? His only experience is the leech guy and you.

I can't believe this is happening to me. I don't want to do this. Do what?

Tell my best friend's grandfather he's going to die.

Oh. Oh, gosh, poor bird.

Charlie's really put you in an uncomfortable position.

Ashley, I was just trying... Doing what you always do, trying to avoid anything

that's the least bit unpleasant.

Well, you wanted to play, Dr. Berg. Now go. Be a doctor. And if you're a good

boy, I'll put some balls in your stocking this Christmas.

But that'll only leave you with two.

Hey, darling.

Hey, Berg.

I found the Playboy channel.

I don't think I like this artsy porn.

The journal scrambled.

Listen, Charlie, I have to talk to you. Hey, Mrs.

Abernathy was coming on to me.

Okay, look, um, I have some news, and, uh, and it's not

good.

I see. So it's great.

No, think cup half empty.

You spilled my sample.

No.

Look, I got your test results back. It's your liver.

It's functioning down around 40 % right now.

Should I sell or wait till it splits?

Charlie!

Come on, please. This is very serious. You are very... Very sick. Yes.

I know.

The liver's shot.

And I got about six months left.

You know?

That's what they told me 14 years ago.

That's terrible.

You've had six months to live for 14 years?

I told you the doctors are idiots.

Listen, Charlie, I know you don't have any faith in hospitals, but I really

think that you should go in for treatments.

Why? Can they cure me?

No.

But they might be able to do something.

Sure. They'll put me in half a robe and parade me in front of frightened

children.

Fuck. You won't listen to me? Well, then maybe you'll listen to Pete, huh?

You can't tell Pete. That would violate the patient idiot privilege.

You can't expect me to keep this from him.

He loves you. He deserves to know.

I'll tell him when the time is right.

Now, how about a little poker? I had a cup of coffee about an hour ago.

Well,

you have to understand something. When a man sees breasts, his brain functions

at about 10%.

You poor thing.

You're like a deer caught in Ashley's headlight.

It took me by surprise. I mean, they were nothing like I pictured them.

You pictured them?

Only for a moment, and then I went right back to yours.

It's okay, honey. No, honey, no, I didn't mean it like that. I know. It's

And I'm okay.

It would be nice if I still had that same effect on you.

I mean, when was the last time you saw me naked and ran screaming from a room?

It wasn't that long ago.

Okay, okay. What about the other day?

I was walking around buck naked, and you asked me for change for a 20.

It's because when I looked at your bottom, I saw two 10s.

I just wish I could still surprise you every now and then.

Guess I just missed being new to you.

Oh, honey, you are.

Oh, okay.

I'm going to go take a shower. Okay.

Hey, Sharon. Oh, hey, Ashton. You're here.

Oh, do you need the bathroom?

Oh, no, it's okay. Go ahead.

Want surprises?

I'll give you surprises.

I think you should be nice to your grandfather.

Berg, get out of my way. I have some wrinkled butt to kick.

Hiya, Petey. What you been doing all day?

Oh, nothing much.

See, I soaked my dentures.

I listened to a dirty movie.

How about you? Did you give any good makeovers?

No, I couldn't. You see, I was too busy listening to Grandma cry because she had

no idea where you were.

You said you called her.

Well, I thought I did.

I'm getting old. I can't remember everything.

Knock it off.

Grandpa, you're going home and you're going home now. You can't just kick him

out. Give me one good reason why. Because he's... I mean, he had to...

Because he promised to teach me to whittle.

Grandpa, you're going home.

Just tell him it's not the right time.

Besides...

I know what he really wants.

Ah, Petey, let me look behind that ear.

I don't want to play.

Okay, Grandmom was really, really scared, all right? She deserves better

that. So do me a favor. Roll up Barbara Walters and go home.

You really mean that? Yes. No, he doesn't. Yes, I do.

All right, you win.

I'll go.

And by the way, I'm dying.

Now you tell them. It was the right time.

No.

Ask him.

It's true.

Examined him myself, double -checked the results.

They told him six months.

And you didn't tell me?

I couldn't.

He's my grandfather.

Yeah, I'm his grandfather. Okay, all right.

You are his grandfather, so talk to him.

You're dying?

So are you.

Everybody is.

Don't make it such a big deal.

What's wrong?

It's my liver.

Could be worse. Liver worse.

I can't believe you didn't tell me. I would have treated you differently.

I didn't want you to.

But I was so mean to you.

Yeah, to a dying man.

Does Grandma know that you're dying?

Are you kidding? It's her idea.

All right, all right. You know what? Look, there has to be something that the

doctors can do.

Hey, Pete.

I'm 82.

Most men live till they're 76.

I'm already in the bonus round.

I love you, Grandpa.

Oh, there, there.

Now you're going to get mascara all over my shirt.

talk to Charlie?

Yeah. Oh, how'd it go?

Still a little shaken up.

I meant for him.

Oh, he's fine.

Uh, Ashley?

Yep.

Listen, I was thinking. Yeah, well, that's never gone very well for you.

Look, since we're not in the hospital, I just, I just thought I should tell you,

um, I regret how things ended up between us.

Probably could have handled it better.

I just like it when everyone's happy, and when they're not, or I'm not, I kind

of check out.

Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

About us.

I don't know if we were wrong, or if I was just wrong, but I made a decision,

and I have to take responsibility for it, like you said.

That's it.

Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa! I just did some really honest stuff there. Do you have anything to

Oh, I see.

Wow, Berg.

It looks like you really have taken stock of yourself.

And you realize that your actions come with consequences. And that's one tiny

step towards maturity. But hey, it's a giant leap for you.

Hooray!

The last time I grow in front of people.

Ashley? What is it, Johnny?

Nothing. Never mind.