All language subtitles for Two Guys and a Girl s03e07 Bergs New Roommate

break. This isn't even your apartment.

Ashley, come on. What's going on?

Bert, it's your girlfriend. She's
hogging the bathroom again. I've been

out here for 25 minutes.

Ashley!

Ashley! You can scrub all you want.
That's still your face.

What's going on, honey?

I'm not sure.

I thought... The door was jammed, and I
thought...

It's a good thing I didn't make a big
deal about it.

Oh, good, the bathroom's free.

No, wait, wait, wait!

Sure.

What is this?

There's no bingo here.

They must have canceled it.

Hey, let's stay for counseling.

No way.

Oh, come on, baby, please. This is the
only way they'll let us have our wedding

here. And this church is really special
to me. It's where my mom married my

favorite stepfather.

I thought you said it wasn't available
in June.

Oh, I forgot to tell you the good news.
The couple that had June 24th was

trampled by a herd of something in
Africa.

But the church isn't wheelchair
accessible.

Isn't that great?

Come on, Mac.

Oh, excuse us. We're waiting for Father
Viteri. We have our premarital

counseling session.

We're here for the same thing. A spa
just opened on June 24th.

We're trying to get the same date.

Isn't that neat?

That's so neat.

Do something.

There's no chance you two are going to
Africa, is there?

been there already.

We did missionary work last summer.

Oh.

Crap. They're holy.

Johnny, they're gonna take our date.

Oh, come on.

We're just as good as them. No, we're
not. We're living together in sin and

having sex.

The big night for them is when he
accidentally elbows her in the boob.

must be Sharon and Johnny.

Hello, I'm Father Viteras. Nice to meet
you.

I brought you a little treat, Father.

What?

Not the maple bars.

Oh, yeah!

Are you working for the devil?

He asked you a question.

Well, let's all have a seat. Let's
relax.

Now,

I am aware that you two are interested
in the same date. But remember, this is

not a competition.

This is religious counseling.

And it's actually a lot of fun.

All right, now, who here wants to tell
me something they really love about

partner?

Well, it sure isn't sex.

Hey, Birch.

Guess where I was.

You went down to the gas station to use
the bathroom.

How did you know that?

Because you've got a huge wooden key in
your pocket.

Man, they're going to be furious. I
already lost the one attached to the

Bert, this is ridiculous.

If you wanted Ashley to move in, why
didn't you just ask me?

Excuse me. Pete.

If she moved in, you'd be the first to
know. I am the first to know.

She doesn't live here.

She sleeps here every night.

Okay, look, I don't mean to brag, but
that's not something she can control.

She doesn't live here. Why is there a
picture of her family in the hallway?

Why do we have coasters?

And why are our tissues coming out of a
crocheted cat?

Stop. I know how you feel about Ashley.
You think she's pushy and manipulative,

but believe me, Pete, she would never
move into this apartment without my

permission. Well, how about her
forwarding her mail without your

Pushy, manipulative.

Don't let her get away with it. I won't.
Show her she can't do this. She can't.

Kick her out. No way.

She moved in here without asking. Is
that the kind of relationship you want?

No. No, it's not.

Then do something about it.

Be a man. Stand up for your rights.

I can do that.

Anything less would be pathetic.

You're right. You are right. I can
barely stand to look at you. Okay.

We'll have no more of that. All right.

All right, but you're going to do
something, right? Yeah, you know I'm

do something. The second she gets back
here, I'm going to tell her I've had it,

and she has to move out.

He's had it. He wants you to move out.

Why is he bringing this up now?

God, I've been living here for over a
month.

Anyway, you know, Pete said he's fine if
you spend the night, as long as you,

you know, live someplace else.

I guess he's just more comfortable with
our relationship the way it was, I don't

know, before.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What happens if I get Pete to say that
it's okay that I live here?

Oh, I don't know. I fought really hard
for you.

I almost punched him in the face.

Well, I think I could convince him.

There you go. That's the spirit.

Okay, now I want you to apply that
energy to finding a new place.

It's a true story.

But I don't tell that story just for the
laugh.

No. I tell that story to illustrate the
importance of communication.

We find that most marital problems can
be traced back to a general lack of

communication. You know, that's funny. I
was saying exactly the same thing to

Sharon today on the way to bingo.

Very good.

All right. Now, Gail, could you give us
an example of how you and Gary would

communicate?

Well, for one thing, every night...

Gary and I set aside an hour to talk
about our day.

We call it share time.

So, during share time, does Gary get to
say anything?

All right, now, Johnny, could you give
us an example of how communication might

go between you and Sharon?

Okay. Well,

usually I just try to figure out what
will get me into the least amount of

trouble.

And I just go with that.

Well, you didn't do it this time.

Now, let's not get into a fight, you
two.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I like the way they banter. Oh, yes.

Yes, a good sense of humor is an
important part of any relationship.

Oh, believe me, Johnny and I have no
problem communicating.

Oh, really?

Elaborate.

A perfect example of that would be the
time.

A perfect example.

Wow, there are so many.

Well, just pick one.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

I remember once my mom was going into
the hospital for an operation, and my

flight was delayed home until the next
day.

And I felt so scared and helpless, you
know?

But Johnny was there for me.

He stayed with me all night at the
airport, and we talked about, I don't

about everything.

And how was your mother?

Oh, wonderful.

They sucked over 50 pounds of fat.

But the point is, is that Johnny talked
me through one of the worst nights of my

life.

Now that is a beautiful story.

Yeah, just like a fairy tale.

Dunville Bergen Walker?

Sorry, Ashley, but you'll be bunking
with the Loch Niskeys.

I cannot believe you lied to Father
Batari like that. What did you expect me

do? They were like little Christian con
men.

And besides, we got the church. I am not
comfortable with this. What?

But I just, I wanted to...

Did I get my mail?

Okay, let's just keep the date, and I
promise, I promise, this is the last

I lie to a priest. I am not keeping that
date, not unless you go and tell Father

Viteri the truth. Oh.

Pete.

Get out of my way.

Hey, Pete, Pete, what do you think?

Sharon, he's not comfortable lying to
clergy.

Some people would see that as a good
quality.

And besides, this is his wedding, too.

I suppose.

Hello, Peter.

I've been waiting for you.

What's up?

Let's be honest. You don't like me, and
I detest you.

You don't think much of me, and I think
you're a turd.

You had me at hello.

I want you

to tell Berg that you want me to live
here.

Yeah, and I want to be a pretty
ballerina and dance at the Dars Ball.

Open it.

What is this?

My share of the rent for one year in
advance.

And if you don't tell Berg, he'll
continue to pay one half, and with my

third, you'll only have to pay one
sixth.

I get all of it.

Yeah, and I got it in one.

It's easier for the lap dancers.

Not so fast, Ashley.

You got me to the ball.

Now, let's dance.

Okay.

You've got first priority with the
bathroom.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's got a good beat.

But you know what? I'm still leaning
against the wall.

Okay. I will introduce you to the nurse
of your choice.

You can have a real one.

Or a girl that just dresses like one for
parties.

You got me on the floor now, but it's
just... I just want more stuff.

Okay, fine.

This is your final offer.

You got the cash.

You got the bathroom.

You got the nurse.

And for every three times you insult me,
I will only retort to one.

That means respond.

I'm still not sure.

Okay, Pete, this offer's only good for
ten seconds.

Seven, six, five, four... All right,
fine, fine, fine, I'll take it, I'll

it.

I'd be a great senator.

So, uh, how much money did you have to
give Bird for him to agree?

What do you mean?

Well, this morning he was talking about
throwing you out on your ear and... Now

I realize I've said something terribly
wrong.

That jerk.

I know. Well, if it makes you feel any
better, he won't see a dime of this.

Forget it. If Berg doesn't want me here,
then all deals are off. No, no, no,

wait. Come back, Ashley. Ashley.

I just... And because I was nervous
about losing the June wedding day to

and who knows if everything she said was
true, I made up that little white lie

about Johnny talking with me all night.

And you know what, Father? It wasn't a
complete lie, because someone really did

stay up with me that night.

It wasn't Johnny.

But the point is... No, no, no, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

Who did stay up with you? Oh, a friend
of mine, Pete.

Pete? Yeah.

He's just a friend.

I mean, he did kiss me once.

And he flew to Paris because he was in
love with me.

And I felt a little something for him.

But that passed.

Is this boring? No, no.

I think I got it.

You told me the story about you and
another man so that I would think you

Johnny made a nice couple.

It made sense at the time.

So we're on for the 24th.

Before we talk about that, I think you
and Johnny are overdue for a real

conversation.

But that's just a suggestion, right? I
mean, I don't have to if I don't want

Right, although a marriage should be
based on truth.

Yeah, but you can't tell him.

I'll tell you what. I am going to hold
this date for you until tomorrow.

If you really feel like you're ready to
get married, call me. Oh, we're ready.

Call me.

Ashley? Ferg, will you get that? I'm
busy.

Of course. I'm going to get it. It's my
fault.

My house.

It's for you.

Take a message.

Can I take a message?

Yeah. Okay, I'll tell her.

Yeah.

Uh, Aston, a guy named Jerry just
called. He says the apartment's yours if

want it. Great. I was just in the
bedroom packing my bag.

Oh, what? It didn't work out with Pete?

Son of a... I'm sorry, baby. Look, tell
you what.

The least I can do is call you a cab,
and then when you finish unpacking, you

can come back here for a little, uh,
sleepo.

I'm not sleeping over.

No, no, no, you can sleep over. Pete
loved that.

Oh, gee, Bert, gosh, does your arm hurt
there?

No. Oh!

Pete told me that you didn't want me to
live here.

What? No, you know what happened? Pete
wanted to adopt a monkey and call it

Ashley.

Save it, Bert.

God, this isn't about Pete.

Why didn't you have the guts to tell me
that you didn't want me here?

I did want you here. What? I was very
happy with you living here until I found

out that you were leaving here.

Then what's the problem? I should stay.

You make all the decisions in this
relationship.

I'm sick and tired of it.

Time might take control. This is my
apartment and I will decide who lives

So do you want me to leave?

Yes, I do. That's what I want.

So that's the way it's going to be.

Fine. I'm leaving. Bye.

Goodbye. Yes, it is.

making another decision.

I want you to move in with me.

Excuse me?

Well, now that I've kicked you out, I am
free to invite you back in. You are now

living here because I... made it so.

Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure. Now, I'm
finding myself quite virile.

So I want you to go to the bedroom.

Unpack your bags.

And wait for me to have my way with you.

Huh. I don't think we've ever done it
your way before.

Hey. Hey, perfect timing.

What's all this?

Thought I'd cook for you tonight.

Made your favorite.

Oh, been strong enough.

Oh, spaghetti and meatballs.

My favorite.

So, I guess all this means you didn't
speak to Father Viteri.

No, I...

the importance of honesty and
forgiveness in a relationship.

Mainly forgiveness.

Really pushing the forgiveness.

Sharon, what is it?

You know the story that I told Father
Viteri about you and me staying up all

night?

Well, it wasn't made up.

It actually happened.

Between me and Pete.

I see.

Are you mad?

Oh, me?

Why would I be mad?

I mean, just because you're an example
of one of our closest moments happened

between you and another guy.

A guy that was in love with you.

Did he live on some far -off corner of
the earth? No!

He was right downstairs, lucky me.

Yeah, well, here's the upsetting part.

That wasn't the upsetting part.

I had some feelings for Pete, too.

I don't believe this. I was confused. I
mean, I didn't even realize it until

after you proposed. So that's why you
wouldn't answer me?

That's why you jerked me around all that
time with this engaged in theory

garbage? That was a perfectly legitimate
answer. After all, an engagement is a

promise to be married. Well, stop it.
Just stop.

Will you just please come back and talk
to me? Oh, come on, Sharon. How would

you feel if I told you that I had
feelings for Pete?

Or someone?

No wonder I've had second thoughts about
this marriage.

You had second thoughts about this
marriage?

Drop a bomb, why don't you?

Come on, can you blame me?

I mean, I knew something was up, but do
we ever sit down and talk about it? No,

we don't talk about anything.

What do you think we're doing right now?
I don't know. Starting my history of

high blood pressure? No, no, no, we're
talking. We're communicating.

We're each revealing deep secrets that
will haunt us forever.

Isn't that great?

Well, I...

I have to admit, it's better than not
knowing.

If I bought this much... So do you still
have doubts?

Yeah.

So what do we do?

Well, we'll keep talking.

And eventually they'll go away.

Great.

We'll work on it together.

Right.

So who needs counseling?

We do. Big time.

100,

200, 300.

See, I would have been happy right
there.

But wait, there's more.

400, 500. Pete!

Hey, listen, uh, no, no, Ashley, you
just stay right there.

I think we have a little Ashley money
issue to discuss.

Oh, look, Bert, I was going to mention
that. No, you weren't. Look, I know you.

No, Bert, really. No, Pete, I owe you
her third of the rent.

She's my girlfriend.

No arguments.

It's just that money is just so tacky.

Wait, Berg.

There is one thing that... This doesn't
really cover utilities.

You know what?

I'll eat it.

Thank you, Pete. You're the best.

Boys, we have company.