Original subtitles

Hey, Pete, when you're done taking the beer's pulp, check its blood pressure.

No, no, no, check it out. Look, it takes exactly 32 seconds to fill up a pitcher

of beer. 27 seconds for dark beer, because there's less foam.

That means I can clear a plate and serve a pizza and still have two seconds left

before the pitchers are full.

Isn't that great?

When you say great, you mean like in a great tragedy or a great waste of time.

Come on, man.

Look, you get to go to the hospital every day and save lives, you know? I've

been through four years of undergrad, two years of architecture school, and I

serve pizza. You know what? I serve it well. I serve it cheerfully.

Who's that?

That's my life.

Where are you going?

My life sucks.

Watch it.

was not part of his plan. He would like the opportunity to sell out to the man.

The Arnold of the 90s is not where he wants to be.

Aging in a teacher joint like a second -rate Fonzie.

Oh, Ashley.

Wow, I like that perfume.

Thanks. What is it, brimstone?

Well, Pete, that's funny.

My gosh, with a sense of humor like that, you could be more than just a

guy.

You could be the funny pizza guy.

Hey, honey, aren't you ready? We're going to be late.

Where are you going?

Just out. The manicurist.

Now, listen, nothing too trashy, Berg, all right? I don't want a lot of sailors

hanging around.

I'm not going to get my nail done, okay? I'm going because... Because, Ashley,

why the hell am I going?

Because if I'm in the beauty shop by myself, then people will talk to me.

Now, if I'm with a friend, then those people can't engage me in meaningless

-chat.

Now, hurry up so we can go.

Hey, Sharon.

Hey, Ashley.

Ashley is introducing Berg to the ultra book world of manicure.

I'm sick.

I'm sick of having to do everything with Ashley. I just wish she had a

girlfriend.

Yeah, right.

Where's Ashley going to find a friend? Hello?

we talk about? You know anything about witchcraft?

Just talk about girl talk, girl talk.

Hey, Dougie Berg, you ready?

Yes.

I guess.

Um, Ashley, listen, I need to get my nails done, too. Why don't just you and

go?

Oh.

Are you sure you want to come to my shop? They're not very good.

Just about the nails, right? I mean, it's really more about us two girls

talking, you know?

Girl talk.

Well, fine.

But I don't want to be late, so don't take too long changing your clothes.

Oh, I don't need to change. I'll just wear this.

Oh.

Well, let's get this over with.

Karen is going to make you pay.

Big time.

Totally worth it.

Hey, do you think this color would look good on me?

No.

Ooh, what about this one?

Not as good as the first.

Well, is there any color that you think would look good on me?

Hmm, I don't know. I mean, with your skin tone, it's a little hard to find a

color that doesn't wash you out.

have this problem?

I mean, you're awfully pale.

Look, Sharon, I'm sorry. I'm just in such a bad mood. I've never had a

that didn't want to spend the day with me. I've known Bert a long time, and I

found it's best not to force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. What do

you mean?

Well, he just pouts and whines and gets red in the face when he doesn't get his

way. Really?

I thought that's what he did when he wanted sex.

Shouldn't say anything.

But you're gonna, right? Oh, yeah.

I'm Pete Dunville. Thank you for taking the time. My pleasure.

Well, this should be easy.

According to your aptitude test, you're most suited for a career in

architecture.

Yeah, I studied architecture, and I hated it. Too bad.

It also says you have a high aptitude for food service.

I work at a pizza place, and, you know, I hate that too.

I'm beginning to see a pattern.

I'm a college grad, you know, and I want a college grad job. I'm looking for a

career.

Okay, forget the test. There's an opening for a therapist trainee.

Therapist?

People always say I'm a good talker.

I think it's really more about listening.

I'm sorry, what?

Listening. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then you get to respond, right? All

right. You know what? This might be exactly what I'm looking for.

Now, this doesn't involve needles, does it?

You think it was a bad idea for me to pawn Ashley off on Sharon like that?

Listen to this.

As a therapist, you should always let the patient know that you understand how

they feel.

I feel bad.

Like I just put two cats in a bag and sent them off to get their claws done.

See, I understand how you feel.

Thanks, man.

I'm lying. I have no idea how you feel.

I can do this.

Hey, guys. Hey. So what do you think?

Ooh, just like Freddy Krueger's.

How did those share?

I actually had a pretty nice time.

Really? Yeah. It turns out that we have a lot more in common than we thought.

Leslie?

Leslie's my middle name.

I thought Eugene was your middle name.

Yeah, no.

Leslie's a girl's name.

What else did you two talk about? I don't know. Girl talk. You know,

girl, I'm a girl. Leslie's a girl's name.

Before we get started, let's welcome one of our trainees to our group.

This is Pete.

Hi. Hi.

Uh, people, I need about ten minutes, so Pete's going to get the session going,

and I'll join you in a bit.

Um, um, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You sure you want me to do this?

Listen, Pete, it's easy.

I'd leave a tape recorder in charge, but it can't nod.

Hey, people.

So, uh, I don't know. Let's get started. Oh, wait, you know what?

I think it's fair to tell you that I've never actually been a facilitator

before. Well, that inspires confidence.

You know what? Let's start with you.

I'm Mary.

I'm manic depressive, but I haven't seen the, you know, manic part in two years.

Right.

On second thought, let's start with you.

My name is Kevin.

Coming to group has really helped me keep my rage under control.

Yeah, why don't you tell our facilitator about the time you accidentally pet

your cat too hard?

She bit me.

But it's okay.

Okay.

And you?

Tom Lewis.

Hey, Lewis. I have a way of pushing people's buttons.

Oh, really? How's that?

Well, what are you doing here? Too big of a loser to find a real job.

You're good.

It's a gift.

My roommate would love you. And, uh... And how about you?

Kim never says anything.

Right, I see.

And Kim... Kim?

Kim?

Kim, why is that?

If I spoke, I would tell you you're an idiot.

All right, Lewis, I knew that was you.

Um, so that brings us back to, um...

and my father passing away and losing my parakeet when my apartment burned down.

It's difficult for me to get through the day. Yeah, yeah. You see, I know... I

know how you feel.

You know, ever since grad school, I've been doing nothing but, you know,

floundering.

I don't think it's the same thing.

I don't know, Mary. Floundering's floundering.

You know what? I think I'm getting the hang of this now. You know, we're all

here for each other.

Oh, we are? Mm -hmm. We're here to help one another. Oh, good. Good. Kevin, can

I borrow your comb?

Lewis.

Okay, Kevin.

All right. Now, you know what?

Let it out.

Give, you're in charge.

Ashley stuff about me.

Ow!

We didn't talk about you!

I still cry when I see Bambi.

Okay, we do.

You know, Ashley can really be quite funny when she's making fun of other

people. Hilarious, you know. I had to spend all of last night listening to

Be Afraid, Leslie.

Bambi'll make it out of the forest fire.

It's like being mocked by Katharine Hepburn.

I'm afraid of moths.

Hey, I was on a roll.

Oh, by the way, the manicures are dying to meet you.

No, Mr. Stenswood, it's hopeless. I'm never going to find a career.

Can I make another pitch for architecture?

It's a nice living. I want more than just a nice living. You know, I want a

that I feel passionate about.

A job that's more than a means to an end.

You know, a job, at the end of the day, I can say, I'm complete, you know?

Pete's complete.

Hey, look, there's complete Pete.

Well, I've got great news. You can stop looking.

There's no such job.

What? Don't you think we all want that?

You know, I didn't start off as a career counselor.

I want it to be an auctioneer.

No, no, no, no. See, with your voice, I'm thinking more like the movie phone

guy, you know, or, oh, oh, the person on the other end when you call time.

But those are just recordings.

Well, let's face it. Live is not really your strength.

Do me a favor.

Read.

You've got mail.

I think we have a winner.

Not now. We're on a break.

Hey, Bert. Hey, Johnny. Oh, jeez.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Have you seen Ashley around?

Uh, maybe she's with Sharon. You know how those two girls are when they get

together? Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Like, do a little bit. Yeah, I get it.

So, you're throwing a football around out there? Yeah, me and some buddies.

That's great. Listen, has Sharon ever told you about the time she woke up

in a men's gym?

I don't gossip.

Hey, guys.

Hey, there's Ashley.

You can girl talk with her.

Watch out for her. There's a moth.

Okay, good one. Oh, come on, Berg. I thought everything was funny to you.

Well, it's not.

Okay, so I had a bad experience with moths.

I cried at Bambi, and so what if I stuttered in high school?

What? Yeah, yeah, I bet you and Sharon had a good chuckle over that.

No, Sharon didn't say anything about stuttering.

She did.

a stutter?

Do you know why I never talk about my high school friends?

No. No, because I didn't have any. Oh, come on. You?

Me. Yeah.

You know how there's always one kid in the class that everyone picks on?

My stuttering was so bad, I couldn't even pick on him.

When the teacher didn't feel like working that day, she'd have me say the

of Allegiance.

Once I almost drowned playing Marco Polo.

Oh, there you go.

There you go. Come on. I'm at my weakest. Take your best shot. Let's go.

Hey, Barb.

I'm really glad I heard that from you instead of Sharon.

You know, there's nothing more attractive than a man who's willing to

Did you know that Sharon woke up drunk in a men's gym?

Hey, Sharon.

Hey, Ashley.

Oh, listen, I was just talking to Mothboy. Oh, oh.

Hey, Sharon, um, you know, I was thinking, maybe we shouldn't focus our

conversation so much on Berg.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

I mean, hey, there's tons of other stuff we could talk about.

Of course.

Or we could just talk about Berg and keep it to ourselves.

Oh, I like that.

Hey. Hey, Pete. So, how's life after sanctions from the American Mental

Association?

Well, not as bad as you might think. Turns out I got my career counselor a

with a major auto manufacturer.

He's now the guy that says, ding, ding, ding, ding, your lights are on.

But now you are looking at the new counselor for the Boston Metro

Agency.

Congratulations. Yeah, yeah. Turns out that I can find work, but just for other

people.

Part -time or full?

Ding, ding, ding. You've got a career.

Yeah. So I guess you're going to have to... Yeah, yeah. I actually came down

here to tell you I'm quitting.

Yeah. Yeah. Of course you are. I mean, you know, you're not in school anymore

like me and you got yourself a real job. So that's great. That's great. Yeah.

Wow.

Man, I...

We had some great times here, didn't we? Best.

We practically grew up in this place, you know?

What's weird is I thought I'd be happy when this day came.

Yeah. It's funny, huh?

I'll tell you, Pete.

This place, this place is not going to be the same without you.

I'm going to miss you, man.

I'm going to miss you too, man.

Bye, Brooke.

Bye, buddy.

So I'll see you at home? Yeah, see you.

So long, pepperoni.

So long, parmesan cheese.

So long to begging for tips when you're down on one bended knee.

Well, you want a career, so you got a career.

And we're sure everything will be fine.

But if it all comes crashing down...

What work are you fellas looking for?

We'd like to be in a band.

Come on, what kind of career is that? You know, you need to get something

stable. You know? Hey, do you ever think about data processing?

It's the wave of the future.

No, but we're really, really good. I mean, check this out. Two, three, four.