Original subtitles

Hey, Cher. Hey, guys. I need four large pizzas with everything and two double

cheese. Oh, good. You get a complimentary moomoo with that.

No, Johnny's sisters are in town for Mother's Day, and all four meet me here

lunch.

Oh, my God.

Where's the pizza?

Four sifters who just can't say no.

I swear, Bert, I don't know any of them.

Sharon? Yeah? This is Joanie, Wendy, Linda, and Patty. What a precious little

flower.

I bet there's not a stretch mark on that body.

Why don't we grab a booth here? You expect me to squeeze into a booth I can

barely squeeze onto a bus?

Table's nice, right here. Excuse me, where's your ladies' room? Oh, yeah,

right over there.

Hey, Slim, food.

Hey. Tinkerbell, it's coming.

Come on, Berg, ease up. She's pregnant.

I bet she'd like a cannoli while she waits. And you, pencil neck, hustle me

root beer.

Right away, ma 'am. Anything for your alien host?

Why didn't you tell me the three of your sisters are pregnant?

I don't know.

They're always pregnant. I mean...

Everybody in my family loves kids. Patty has seven. Wendy has five. Linda has

three. And Joe need none yet, but, you know, he's only been married a year.

Hey, everyone.

I just threw up.

Hi, Sherry. Want some coffee?

Coffee? You're just now having coffee?

Johnny and I have already taken two of his napkins on a seashell hunt and

stopped for pancakes on the way back. Here's your paper.

Say you did a trip.

Well, that blows my plan for this morning.

You know, at first I thought I was making a huge mistake when I volunteered

help Patty out, but those kids are so adorable, so alive, so curious. They

me so much energy.

They're like little two -foot -high ginseng.

Hey, Sharon, if you're going to rob us, have the decency to tie me up.

No,

we're going to the park. Okay, I got your golf club and your boomerang. Oh,

where's that thing that Bird gave you for your birthday?

Oh, my super deluxe turbo water blaster? Yeah.

Yeah, that's not for kids.

We're waiting, Aunt Sharon.

Did you hear that, Pete?

I'm an Aunt Sharon.

I need a nap.

Oh, oh, oh, where are you going? This is Dr. Staretsky. He's amazing. I have to

meet him.

Excuse me. Dr.

Staretsky, I'm Ashley Walker.

Enchanted. And I'm her boyfriend, Michael Bergen. Really?

We're the top two students in the class.

One, two.

Buckle my shoe.

Buckle my shoe.

Brilliant and funny.

Lovely and perceptive. Oh, Professor.

Nauseous and sick.

Come on, Connie, the back row's filling up. Oh, no, no, no, wait. Professor

Staretsky, I really enjoyed your journal article on hydrotherapy and the

regeneration of muscles after trauma.

Thank you. I've written more on the subject.

You'd probably devour my entire body of work. Oh, I'm sure I would.

You should apply to be my new research assistant. It would be a pleasure to

you on my staff.

Well, time for class.

It's been nice meeting you both.

Perhaps we can talk about it later.

Devour his body of work?

What's the problem?

Oh, nothing. I just couldn't tell if we were in a med school lecture or a med

school porno film.

Good morning.

I am Dr. Starecki.

I became professor of anatomy because I am in...

Awe of the human form.

The body's capacity for terrifying violence and tender passion has

aroused man's fascination at the beginning of time.

I will teach you to love the human body as I do.

I'm Dr. Starecki, but I became a professor of anatomy so I could be...

A dirty old man.

You see that there, table man? We're going to take that table. Ain't no one

going to stop us. Okay, Sarge.

We're all scared.

Now move out!

Why do I smell peanut butter?

Oh, oh, oh. I used it to get the chewing gum out of my hair. I swear, I'm going

to strangle you.

He's so cute.

How does Patty handle those kids?

It's very easy. She gives them to you.

Here's to pizza. Yay!

Come on, Sam, we'll race you home. Come on, you guys, let's go home to Rodney!

I got some really exciting news.

I've got an interview with Dr.

Starecki tonight.

What about dinner tonight?

Oh, don't worry. I canceled at the restaurant.

What? Well, I think I really have a shot at this job. I mean, with my

qualifications and all.

No, no. He's not interested in your qualifications, Ashley. He's interested

your qualifications.

Oh, gosh, that's right, Berg. It couldn't possibly be because I'm the

med student in the class.

How many times a day does she point that out?

Ashley, I'm sorry.

I'm putting my foot down. You are not going to that interview with Dr.

Staretsky.

Oh.

Okay, Berg.

I guess I just didn't really realize it was going to upset you this much. Well,

it does.

Okay. Well, whatever you want me to do.

Well, that was a fun trip back to the 50s. Now get out of my face.

I see you.

Hey, Sharon.

Hey, Betty.

You went to the gym to escape, huh?

Oh, no, no, I just really needed to work out.

Grab a chair, honey.

I'd work out too, you know, but I don't want to ruin this girlish figure.

Oh, no, no, no. I think pregnant women are beautiful.

Yeah, between the bloating and the constipation, the beauty just shines

through.

Patty, can I ask you something?

How the hell do you do it? I mean, no offense, your kids are great and

everything. Whoa.

You must be hanging out with the wrong kids. My kids are holy terrors.

It's so hard. Why do you keep on having them?

Now, what can I say? I tried to quit smoking and the patch didn't work.

My kids really scared the hell out of you, didn't they?

No, no, not really.

Sort of.

A lot.

I understand.

I know you're scared.

But it's a beautiful thing that we women can do.

To carry a baby.

to bring life into this world.

And don't worry.

You wouldn't be doing it alone.

You've got Johnny, and we raised him good.

So Johnny definitely wants to have kids.

Wants them? He's got to have them. He's the only boy.

He's got to carry on the family name.

So from the entire Donnelly family to you, Sharon, happy Mother's Day.

Ashley, it's a bird calling seeing how the interview went just being a sportive

boyfriend of the 90s Am I being

crazy of course you are I mean, it's not like Ashley has a history of falling

for her professors.

Oh Wait a minute. Her ex -boyfriend was a professor my bad

You're enjoying this, aren't you? Like Christmas in May. You know what?

I'm fine with this.

Ashley and I are fine with this, okay? I'm just, I'm overreacting. Not from

I heard.

Well, looky, looky. The rat has come for his cheese fix.

Fine. I won't tell you what I know.

It'll probably make you upset.

Oh, wait. That's why I came.

Whatever it is, I came and I'm not interested.

Yeah? Yeah.

It's about Ashley. Spill it. Wouldn't you say Ashley idolized Dr. Staretsky?

I mean, I've never seen her act like that around anyone.

You've never seen the way she worships me.

Like I said.

Anyway, the guy's quite an operator.

He works from his house, hires only women, and get this, paints nudes. And a

person who paints nudes needs... A person without her clothes? Exactly.

Ashley would never do that.

Yeah, she might just skip the striptease and jump right in the sack with him.

Cayman, that's my girlfriend you're talking about there.

Yes, I know.

Unpleasant, isn't it?

Actually, no.

No, you know, you've been... You've been very helpful.

Thank you.

Don't thank me. You should be mortally wounded.

I've been suspicious of this guy, and this gives me just the ammo I need to go

in there and nail him. No, no, this is all wrong.

I love you.

a little bit.

Oh, and your boomerang doesn't come back.

I don't ever want to have kids.

Oh, come on, Sharon. They'll be gone in a few days.

No, I mean ever.

What are you talking about?

There are certain people that shouldn't be allowed to be parents, and I am their

queen.

Come on, Sharon. It's going to be different when you have your own kids.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

This body ain't having kids.

A lot of fun.

18 hours of grueling pain. Not the hair. Not the hair.

Followed by a lifetime of torment. I mean, the contractions stop, but the

never ends.

Thank you, epilady.

Come on, Cher. What's really going on?

Pete.

If a woman doesn't want to have kids...

a bad person of course not might make her a bad babysitter

you know i think you're a wonderful person whether you want

kids or not well i don't think johnny's gonna think so he wants kids well then

you'll deal with it yep because if i was the one in love with you i can't think

of anyone else i'd rather have be afraid to have my children

Why do you always know the right thing to say?

Why are you the only one that tells me that?

Hey, Pete, you in there? I need to borrow some soup and go before Sharon

home.

Hi.

This wasn't expensive, was it?

Ha!

There you are.

Why, yes, you caught me red -handed.

At home, in my office.

Sorry, Mr. Bergen, if you were here for an interview, the job was already taken.

Let me guess, you've already given the job to Ashley. Yes, she came in...

And she performed marvelously.

Oh, my God.

I'm too late, aren't I?

I'm afraid so. Now, if you'll excuse me. Why?

Why? Is Ashley on her way back here?

No. Where is she?

Not here. Now, will you go away? I have some finishing touches to do on my

latest painting.

Oh, you mean your latest nude painting.

Yes.

You make me sick.

Sorry if it makes you feel so uncomfortable.

That's your hang -up, not mine.

The great artists of the Renaissance, through their work, were the first

teachers of anatomy.

Oh, oh, you and your high and mighty mumbo jumbo. No.

It's people like you. It's people like you that... Ah.

What you doing?

Naked body is a beautiful thing. What better and more available subject than

myself? That's why I do nude self -portraits.

Nude self -portraits.

Oh. Oh!

I love the way you've captured the... with the... So,

you don't paint like in research assistants?

Of course not. That would be obscene.

Right.

Wow. Well, one of us is really, really embarrassed, and oddly enough, it's the

guy wearing clothes.

I'm just kidding.

Mr. Bergen, would you do me a favor?

Ashley is doing research for me in the medical library.

On your way home, would you swing by and let her know that her paranoid,

insecure, and, I might add, irritating boyfriend has just got her fired? Sure

thing.

Okay, but, no, I wasn't especially right.

Okay, I was blatantly wrong.

But, but, Staretsky should have taken it out on me and not you. We are a couple.

couple everything you do reflects on me and you can't be acting like a crazy

jealous irrational idiot i'm sorry it's who i am well who you are

is unacceptable all right come on kids quiet down i'm trying to time your

mother's contractions this is unusual oh thank god you're here we have a

situation what's going on I came over to pick the kids up and my water broke.

We need a new welcome mat.

Sarah, what are you doing? Chopping.

Just chopping.

Okay, okay, we've got to get you to the hospital now.

Yeah. No, my Johnny's getting my sister Wendy on the phone. She's my midwife.

She delivered the last one.

Okay, just talk to Wendy. She's on her way. She'll be here in half an hour.

Oh, oh.

No, too late.

Ah, it's coming.

It's coming.

Who's got the biggest hands?

How can it be coming? You just went into labor.

Honey, I've had seven kids. My birth canal is like a water slide.

What do we do?

You're at med school. Do something.

You're right, you're right. I'm going to go home and get my notes.

I'll give you a ride on my bike.

Handlebars? No, you can't call handlebars inside.

Okay, all right, everyone.

Okay?

Everything is under control.

All right, Sharon, get some towels. I don't want to get the towels. Get some

towels. I don't want to get the towels. Get some towels.

Call your family, Johnny.

Look, I need your help, all right? No, Bert, we don't know what we're doing.

Yes, yes, we can, okay? We're just going to take her into the bedroom. Come on.

Here we go.

Bert, Bert, your bedroom's on the left. I know.

Push, you're doing fine.

I know I'm doing fine. I do this every ten months.

Okay, don't forget to breathe.

I am. I was talking to Sharon.

Oh, gosh.

Hey, let's lay down some newspaper.

Well, come on, it's very sterile.

Okay, Patty, give me one more push. Here we go.

Okay, all right. I can see the whole face. Rest. Rest a second. Give me some

rest. All right.

Okay, now I'm going to rotate the shoulders, and I'm going to ask you to

one more push, okay?

Berg, you're doing a fantastic job.

Wow, that's beautiful.

You know what we need?

A camera.

A camera. I'm going to go out and buy one.

Sharon, I've got to knot my shoes.

Oh, Andy, now's not a good time.

Give it here, Andy.

Okay.

to cut the cord.

This is the mayor here.

Could I? Yeah.

Sharon, will you grab that blanket?

I said hold her.

Support the head. Oh, gosh.

Hello.

Look at you.

You're so little.

Hi.

I'm your Uncle Johnny.

You like the zoo?

You said you could hold her, not adopt her.

Bye, sweetie.

So that's where they come from.

You were incredible. You were so calm, so professional, so wonderful.

Well, that's also who I am.

You think they'll let us babysit?

You sure you know what you're getting yourself into?

Yeah.

And now, for an encore, I'm gonna breastfeed.

Happy Mother's Day.

So that's where they come from.

Give me...