Original subtitles

Ashley. Hi, Berg.

I did it.

I broke up with Justin.

What? Well, during the storm, I got scared, and I started thinking about

could happen and how short life is and who I wanted to be with, and it wasn't

Justin. It was you.

God, Berg.

I've missed you.

Anyway, I've got to get back to the hospital.

This is going to be wonderful.

I can't believe this.

What did Ashley have to show up just after I met Vanita?

After all we've been through, how do I just break her heart?

After the six months of hell Ashley put you through, I vote for not gently.

Ashley? No, no, I have to break it up with Vanita.

What? Didn't you see?

Mama finally came home.

What are you talking about?

Benita's great. She's wonderful.

And best of all, she's not Ashley.

Pete. Look, Bert, I think what Pete means to say is Ashley is the devil.

Hey. Okay.

She's not the devil.

Maybe she just works for him like a subcontractor.

It's different now. That's when she was with Justin.

Okay. Bert, you know what you need?

You need a little reenactment.

Sharon. Would you like to play the part of Ashley?

Oh, yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

I'm getting into character.

And, Berg, I'll be you.

Ashley, I love you. I must have you.

Oh, Berg, me too.

I can't see you anymore.

Are you mad at me?

I could never be mad at you.

Ashley, you're... the best.

Thank you. Thank you.

It so isn't me.

Why do you not pause like that in the middle of my sentences?

Yes, you do.

Okay, fine, but at least I don't wave my arms in the air whenever I get

frustrated.

I don't do that. Yeah, you do. No, I don't. You do. Okay, you know, fine.

But, Ferg, what we're trying to say is you risked your life to meet Vanita, and

it paid off. At least you could see it through.

Vanita is everything a guy could want. Of course I should keep dating her. Oh,

good.

On the nights I'm not out with Ashley.

Hey, Sharon.

Hello? I called you 15 times during the storm. Least you could do is let a guy

know that you're okay.

I'm okay.

Okay.

Look, can we talk?

Listen,

I've been thinking about what you said.

You're the only one I want to be with. I don't have any feelings for Sean.

Really? Are you sure you don't need more time?

Hey, hey!

We're not done with that.

I couldn't be more sure.

Shannon, when we kiss, it's like it's magic.

It's nothing at all like kissing Sean.

You kiss Sean?

Well, you told me to see if there's something there, and there's nothing

But you kiss Sean.

And felt nothing.

You should be happy.

Do I look happy?

A little.

You just don't get it, do you?

No. You know what? I don't.

You tell me to do something and I do it and now you're mad at me?

What do you want from me? Nothing.

Fine. You know what? That I can do. Good. Good. Great. Great. See ya.

Can you believe him?

You know, I wasn't really listening.

Okay, so he kissed Sean.

Yes, he kissed Sean. Why doesn't he understand that that could bother me?

he could be more understanding if you told him about how you and I kissed.

I told you, I don't want to talk about that with you. And I certainly don't

to talk about it with him. Why?

What, you listening?

He kissed Sean!

that I have some bad news.

We're out of Ritalin.

Just kidding.

Hey, Robbie, you're looking good. What do you got, a hot date tonight?

I thought maybe I'd spill my dinner all over myself and score a sponge bath.

The student has become the master.

Hey, here.

Hey. Hey, how you doing?

Glad you came by.

You ran out so fast, we didn't get a chance to make a date. How about dinner

tonight?

Tonight? Tonight, no good, actually. How about tomorrow?

Perfect. I'll tell Justin we're breaking up. Great.

What?

You told me you left him. I did. He just doesn't know it yet.

Oh, well, could you maybe do me a favor and, I don't know, tell him before our

date? Of course.

What kind of a girl do you think I am?

I'm just remembering.

I'll see you tomorrow night.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Michael Bergen. Oh, yeah, sure. He's right over

there. Oh, thank you.

Berg?

Vanita? Who?

Very nice.

Yeah.

Jella!

I came early. I wanted to see where you were.

Well, you know what? Actually, you came at a great time. I was just about to

entertain the kids. The balloon guy blew up.

No. No, literally.

All right, kids, which impressions do you want to see first?

Bring back the balloon guy.

What's that?

Sean Connery?

Let me tell you about the Chicago way.

Hey, hey, don't throw a pantyhose.

a little circle for me, huh?

Little ones in the front, huh?

Listen, my name's Vanita, and when I was a little girl and I wasn't feeling so

great, my mom used to sing me this song.

It teaches us a little something about life and ourselves.

So, can you all clap along with me, huh?

Like this?

Good?

You gotta know...

Know when to hold them.

Know when to fold them.

Know when to walk away.

And know when to run.

Don't play number one and keep playing number two.

You know what? I think you might be right.

I like the way she sings, but I love the way she moves.

Do it until I find a new apartment.

Listen, um, Sharon doesn't know I'm here, but, um, I thought if I came down

explained a couple of things, it might help you two get back together. No, no,

it's hopeless.

You know, I did what she wanted, but she's still mad at me. Try putting

in her shoes.

You know, let's say she... And this is just off the top of my head.

What if Sharon kissed a really close friend, too?

Sharon would never do that. Yeah, but say she did.

What are you trying to say? She did.

What do you mean?

Sharon kissed... a person.

Damn it.

Johnny, calm down.

It was Berg, wasn't it? No, maybe.

He's dead.

No, wait, Johnny.

What? You can't kill Berg.

It was me.

What was you?

I'm the guy Sharon kissed.

No, no, no, you're just covering for him. No, no, Johnny, Johnny, I'm not

covering for him.

It was me.

Please, don't put all your weight into it.

What? What's so funny?

I thought she kissed Berg, but it was you.

And?

You know, your pee.

What's that supposed to mean?

Is she out of shape with you?

She is not, Johnny. I kissed your woman.

So I hear.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

How come you were so upset when you thought it was Burke?

That's true, I was.

Now I see why she was so upset with me.

Thanks,

Pete. Thank you.

What?

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No, you're not supposed to be thanking me. You're supposed to be hitting me.

Come here.

Don't kiss my woman!

Don't kiss my woman!

Hey, Ashley.

Hey, Berg. You're early.

We need to talk.

Have you spoken to Justin? Yeah, this morning.

He started to cry.

This is really awkward.

Maybe you should just come right out and say it.

Uh... I met this woman.

I thought I could date both of you at once, but of course that wouldn't be

to either of you. And I realized that I have a much healthier relationship with

her.

So I'm afraid it's over between us.

I understand.

No.

What do you mean, no?

I mean, no. I veto you.

You can't veto me. I'm not Congress.

I just did. I can't afford to give up on our relationship that easily.

Yeah, you can. You have to respect my choice.

No. Stop saying that.

When I was dating Justin and I told you that I wasn't available, did you give

up? For what it's worth, I totally appreciate how wrong that was to fake

You saw something special, and you knew that you couldn't afford to let it slip

through your fingers just because of bad timing.

Okay, now you're forcing me to be mean.

What we had, it was sick.

It was an obsession, and it is over.

I never want to see you again.

That really hurts.

But no.

Where's Berg?

Med school. Good.

Johnny just called. I can't believe you told him about Valentine's Day. I was

trying to help.

Besides, you wouldn't talk to me about it, so I had to talk to somebody.

Then get a therapist!

God, you were so lucky he wasn't upset. If that was Berg, psh, we'd have killed

him. Yeah, I know, I know. He gave me noogies.

Who hit you?

You know, I just, I have a real problem with Johnny not having a problem with

me.

That's because you're a sweet guy.

You have morals. You're trustworthy.

Face it, Pete. You're a wonderful person. That is a horrible thing to say.

I'm not a wonderful person, Sharon. I am walking testosterone.

I am a dog.

Yes, a cute puppy dog.

So what, does this mean that you and Johnny are back together?

No way. He kissed Sean.

I didn't do anything wrong.

Yes, you did. Yes, you did. You kissed me.

Yes. And you were very, very wrong.

It's Ashley. She's following me.

What?

Today at school, there were balloons tied to my desk. When I opened my

it was completely filled with rose petals that she'd pushed through the

slots.

Do you know how long that must have taken?

Wait a second. I thought yesterday was the big day you were going to break up

with her.

It didn't take.

I've got a date with Vanita tonight. How am I going to shake Ashley?

I'll tell you what not to do.

Don't have her kiss me because I won't make her jealous because I'm not a

threat.

You could put on my lab coat and walk around the block as my decoy.

You're being paranoid.

No, no, I'm not being paranoid.

Okay, she's doing everything I did.

And if I know me the way I think I do, then she's going to be waiting, right?

Who's Vanita?

Oh, Herb, what a unique and out -of -the -way play.

It was a great idea.

I always come here when I want to get away from the traffic, you know, the

noise.

People.

So romantic.

Here's your champagne, sir.

Thank you, but I think you have the wrong table. We didn't order any.

It's compliments of the lady at the bar.

Oh, God.

Isn't that the girl from the hospital?

Yeah, she's the one I told you about, the one I had the sick relationship

Well, I broke it off with her, and now she won't leave me alone.

What, you mean she's following us?

Why would someone chase after someone who doesn't want them?

I have no idea.

Let's call her over here. I really don't think that's a good idea. Why not?

Relax. We're all adults here. No.

You're pretty much the only one.

Hi. Thank you very much for the champagne.

We weren't properly introduced at the hospital. My name is Vanita. Hi. I'm

Ashley. Ashley.

I'm sorry, but as you can see, I'm here with Vanita. And we're very happy

together because she's the one I've...

chosen to be with.

I hope you understand.

Oh, I understand, but you have to understand that I broke up with my

for Berg.

Well, you can't really hold Berg responsible for that. Well, actually I

because he said he wouldn't go out with me unless I broke up with my boyfriend.

That was ancient history.

It was yesterday.

You made a date with her yesterday after you told me she was out of your life?

Well, there's a very simple explanation.

Need a sec.

Okay.

I chose you.

But then Ashley showed up, and I made a date with both of you. Only, I saw how

wonderful you were with those kids at the hospital, so I canceled my date with

Ashley, and I chose you.

Again. So, if you think about it, I actually chose you twice, which is twice

many times as I chose her.

Yeah, I think that was pretty good.

Goodbye, Bert. But you win!

No, I win, because I'm leaving.

Happy? Huh?

Are you happy? I had a chance for a normal, healthy relationship, and you go

ruin it. Oh, oh, God. I am so, so sorry. I broke up your 35 -second

relationship.

You broke up my relationship with Justin, and we've been together for four

years. Yeah.

Well, Justin deserves a medal for staying with you that long.

I can't stand you. I loathe you. I despise you. I hate you. I can get us a

I can drive.

Hi, Pete. Whatever.

Whatever? God, how much longer are you going to continue this?

Well, you know what? Now that you brought it up, I'd like to talk about

kiss.

Please.

Okay. Okay?

Okay. Okay.

If I'm not a threat to Johnny, does that mean that our kiss meant nothing to

you?

I can't talk about that.

Come on. Look, I'm trying to salvage what I have with Johnny. I can't

matters by wondering if you and I are more than what we have been.

So you're saying that it might have meant something?

It meant something.

How could it not, Pete? You mean the world to me.

Thank you.

Pete? What the hell are you doing?

Oh, what? No, no, no. No, no, no, no. I thought I could trust you.

You're such a jerk. I can't believe I ever went out with you.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

One was free, pal.

The next one you pay for.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my laundry's dry, and if I don't fold it right away,

it'll wrinkle.

Do you think he bought it? No, he bought it.

down and helping me with Pete. You didn't have to do that.

Look, Sharon, how long are we going to keep on going like this?

I'm sorry I kissed Sean. Look, Johnny, it's not about that. Well, then tell me

what it's about. I just don't think it would change anything. Try me.

All right.

On Valentine's Day...

When I asked you if there was something between you and Sean, why couldn't you

say no right away?

I told you because I wasn't sure.

Even if you weren't sure?

Even if you only mostly thought you wanted to be with me? Couldn't you have

least given me the benefit of the doubt?

I'm sorry.

Johnny, do you know how much that hurt me? I never want to hurt you.

But I never want to lie to you either. And that's why you can believe me when I

tell you you are the only girl that I want to be with.

believe you.

Ow, my hand.

Oh, it's swelling.

Yeah, well, Pete's got a face like concrete.

Don't care. We'll put some ice on it.

Really? Yeah.

And we'll swing by your flea bait motel and pick up your stuff.

Great. Ow, my hand. Remember? Yeah, I remember.

What are you looking at?

Yeah, that's right. I kissed her.

I kissed your woman.

You know what she said?

At last, kissed by a real man.

Yeah, that's right.

That's right.

What? What?

You want a piece of me?

You want a piece of this?

Come on.

Give me your best shot.