Original subtitles

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

I can't believe it. They're making me work Christmas.

We're closing the pizza place. Why can't they just close the hospital?

That place is always open. What is it, a Denny's?

You know what? If it makes you feel any better, I'll give you your Christmas

gifts early.

Really? Yeah.

Merry Christmas.

I owe you a scarf.

Come on, I'm broke.

I'm getting my parents the same thing, but on nicer paper.

And I'm getting you one free physical.

Yeah, cough, dough boy.

Hey, guys. Ho, ho, ho.

Why are you so cheery?

I'm in charge of the company Christmas party. And that's good because...

this time of year is about giving.

And by throwing the best party I can, they're going to give me a Christmas

fatter than Santa.

Oh, yeah.

Merry Christmas.

I owe you an apology. Why?

Save that for Easter.

What's the matter?

I was going to hire little people to dress up as elves and be waiters, but

they're all booked.

It's their busy season.

And now on St. Patrick's Day.

Hypercon.

Stupid, stupid hospital.

You know, I should be a rabbi. I bet they get Christmas off.

Pete, what do you want for Christmas? Nothing much.

You know, some socks.

Oh,

and a meaningful relationship.

Oh, and a career.

Oh, thank you. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just definitely falling

apart. Well, you're here now and you're safe with me.

I ordered a large pizza to go. At least I think I ordered it here. It's under

Caitlin. I'll check.

Excuse me.

Do I know you? Your voice sounds very familiar.

You're listening to WJX AM 1070. This is Caitlin Rush getting you through the

rush hour.

You're the sky copter lady.

You're Caitlin Rush. I listen to you all the time. And I don't even have a car.

I love you. You saved my life last week. I did?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember when that big tanker jackknife? I got scared and I

started to panic. But you still got me to my nail appointment on time.

you this is so weird i can't believe you're blonde

you sound so

brunette anyway here's uh here's your pizza thanks thanks um

oh my god i'm out of checks uh you know i'll tell you what why don't you uh come

back later and we'll settle it then that is so sweet of you thank you thank you

so much more together than this, but my personal assistant left me last month.

Or I misplaced her.

For Christmas, I could use an army of elves to help me organize my life.

They're all booked.

I know someone who would love to spend all day with you and help you get

organized. Who? Me.

You? Yeah, me. And I'm really good, too. Do you remember Hands Across America?

You organized that?

No, but I got a T -shirt from it, and the T -shirt's in my closet, and my

closet, very organized.

I actually used some help getting my Christmas presents.

Are you good at shopping?

What? Are you kidding me? Do you see everything I'm wearing?

I bought them.

I'm Pete Dunville.

It's Caitlin Rush.

Um... Here you go.

Thank you.

Fred. Here you go.

I'll call you tomorrow. Okay.

Oh, thank you.

Hmm?

Pete Dunville, personal shopper. Pete Dunville, majorly horny.

Ah,

Mr. Harrington, what do you need this time?

I got another lunch coming, and I'm not going anywhere until I get it.

You're relieved.

You're free. Why don't you go?

All right. I want turkey, mashed potatoes, and pudding. And nothing

touching anything else.

I'm not your waiter.

Okay, now do you need someone to come pick you up? My daughter, who's a big

lawyer, is coming here to pick me up. Good.

And she's going to sue your ass if you don't get me lunch!

Fine.

He's as stupid as he is tall.

Meatloaf, green beans, peaches, take it or leave it.

The green beans and meatloaf are touching!

It's not what you think, they're just friends.

And how goes the party planning?

Off my back, spanky.

I got the booze, I got the caterers, but I don't have the entertainment.

Lose the caterer, double the booze, and the entertainment will take care of

itself.

No, no, no, no, no. You don't understand.

Last year, great party. Guy got a huge bonus.

Two years ago, lousy party. Guy got hedge clippers.

I guess they gave him something useful.

Yeah, because the boss made him his gardener.

He did.

Four days till Christmas. Christmas and Sharon's really screwed.

Lost her cushy job, has to sell her car, gonna be a gardener.

And Berg has to work on Christmas Day.

Hey, I was just kidding.

Oh, my God, that's a great idea, the 12 Days of Christmas.

I'll get the pipers piping and the drummers strumming. What do you think?

Gonna be a gardener.

We had so much fun and we talked about real things, you know, things that

matter. Like what? I don't know.

Has she ever been married?

I don't know.

Is she religious?

I don't know.

What's her favorite beer?

Hefeweizen. Classy.

That's what I'm saying. You know, she's so different than girls our age, you

know. She's self -assured. She knows who she is and what she wants.

She wants to be 25.

Possible change of plan. We may have to swing by the tuck shop.

Okay, why?

Well, tomorrow night I have the awful local media awards.

I was supposed to go with my program director, but he canceled on me. It's

tie, it's boring, and you just want to eat a grenade.

Sounds hideous.

You want to come? I'm there.

You're wonderful. Well, it's wonderful to do wonderful things for someone so

wonderful.

I'll call you later.

Here you go, Sharon. Oh, thanks, Bird. You're swell.

Well, it's swell to do swellish things for someone so swell.

Oh, pizza boy.

Mr.

Harrison, what are you doing here? Well, I asked at the hospital, and they told

me that you were here. And now, Mr. Smart Guy, guess what?

You're my waiter.

I don't know why you were so down on the awards. It wasn't so bad.

Ah, that's because you've never tried going without you before.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't mind going without me as long as you were there.

Yeah, um, I had a great time.

Yeah, so did I.

And I want to thank you. No, no, I want to thank you.

Tonight was... Well, actually, the last couple of days have been a whole new

experience for me.

You have such a great energy.

I work out.

So are you enjoying the job?

Well, word around the water cooler is I'm up for employee of the month.

Am I still on the clock?

No.

Good, because...

I'm going to do something that's very unlike me.

Does it involve kissing me? That's the bulk of it.

Pete, my life is a lot more complicated than you think.

Are you married?

Not anymore.

Have you seen someone?

Not yet.

Who's she?

My lover.

I'm just kidding.

She's my nanny.

Hi. Hi, Michael.

And that would be?

My son.

Not kidding.

I got my 12 drummers drumming. I spoke to the ballet and got my 10 lords a

-leaping. Wait, where are you going to get four calling birds, three French

hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge?

Ten pigeons off my ledge.

Hey, Mr. Man About Town. How'd it go at the awards last night?

I don't know if it's going to work out with me and Caitlin.

She lost, huh?

No. No, no. She's got a 10 -year -old son.

I could barely maintain a normal relationship. What do I know about

kids? You lived with me freshman year.

It's too complicated.

You know, I got enough things in my own life to worry about.

You're right.

There's the pizza place.

And, uh, of course, the lounging around.

Come on, Bird. Leave him alone.

He's making a responsible decision.

I mean, he wouldn't just be dating Caitlin.

He'd be dating her kid, too.

Speaking from a child whose mother dated a lot, it's really hard.

Thank you, Sharon.

Except I did get a lot of great gifts. Sharon.

Especially from the ones who thought I didn't like them.

Sharon. Two ponies! Sharon!

with everything, nothing touching, send it back twice, still wrong.

The ginger ale's flat.

Yeah. Why do you come here?

Because I want to, and if you give me any more trouble, I'm going to call my

grandson. Old State Wrestling's going to come down here and kick your lanky

butt.

Well, in case you haven't noticed, I don't have a butt.

Michael. Hey, Michael. Hey, Michael.

Do you want to play some pinball? I need to talk to Pete. Sure.

I just wanted to apologize to you for last night.

I know that was a really awkward way for you to find out I had a son.

What, that?

No, no, I was embarrassed.

I have the same pajamas.

I would have told you earlier. I just, I didn't think our relationship would get

to where it did so soon.

Not really. It's okay.

So, anyway, if you feel like it, give me a call sometime.

Okay.

Come on, Michael.

We're going to Mrs. Sealanders. Hey, hey, you know, he could stay here with

if he wants.

Oh, yeah, that'd be great. Yeah, please, Mom?

I don't know.

Oh, please.

Pete, is that okay with you? Sure it is. Pete loves kids.

Okay, then.

If there's any problems, you've got my cell phone number. I'll be back right

after rush hour.

Um, Michael, act human.

So, what do you and Pete want to do

first?

Well, I'm going to go play pinball while he leaves me alone.

I thought you wanted to stay here with us. You said it would be great.

That's only because Mrs. Dillon's apartment smells like feet.

Oh, he doesn't like you at all.

Why in the world would you do this to me? Because I can't let you lose Caitlin

without at least giving it a chance. No, no, no. Look, if you get to know the

kid, maybe you'll like him.

This machine sucks.

You should taste the pizza.

Ah, it's getting dark.

Please.

Oh, all right.

How can I say no to that face?

Which one's yours?

Oh, this one right here.

Pete, did you see me? I caught more air than you did. You are the man. You

totally out -aired me. Pete, just one more run. One more.

He's mine, too.

Please. Hey, okay.

Okay, all right. But listen, one more time, and I promise your mom I'd get you

home by dark.

You're having a good time, aren't you, Pete?

Maybe. Good.

I spoiled a big one.

I want to thank you for letting us use your farm to sled. It's great.

Ah, no problem. I do it every year for the kids.

And the $7 I charge for parking.

Hey, the little one's heading for my cows!

How about here?

A little.

And here?

No.

All right, you're going to be fine. Just sit back and relax. Pete, can I talk to

you in the front seat for a second?

All right, is he really going to be okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He has a

couple of bruised ribs, but, you know, we won't know anything else until we see

the x -rays.

Okay. Yeah.

You did see the sign releasing me from all liability.

No. No, you're going to be fine.

You're a tough kid.

It's the cow that we're worried about. You knocked the butter right out of her.

Don't make me laugh. I'm sorry. You're going to be fine, all right, buddy?

Listen, if it starts to feel bad, I want you to squeeze my hand, okay?

We should probably call his mom.

Oh, God, you're right.

Pete. What?

You're squeezing a little too hard. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

bumper -to -bumper on the Worcester Turnpike because of a four -car fender

bender. So if you want to make it home by New Year's, avoid the Worcester Pike.

Okay, Bill, back to you.

It's Caitlin Rush.

Hi, Caitlin, it's Pete.

Hey, is everything okay? Oh, yeah, fine, fine, fine.

Listen, um, first thing, Michael is fine, okay? We went sledding and we had

little accident.

Mom, I hit a cow.

What? No, don't. Why are the cows insured?

Oh, my God.

Where are you taking him?

Uh, Boston Memorial.

Oh, listen, traffic is really backed up out there.

Which way should I go?

Damn, I'm about to get back on the air.

Listen, whatever I say on the radio, do the opposite. Got it?

Do the opposite. Got it.

Okay, this is Caitlin Rush getting you through the rush hour.

Let's hand it to those state police for their...

Miraculously fast cleanup of that four -car Worcester Pike pileup. Way to go,

guys.

Everyone should go that way.

Especially since there looks to be a new 20 -car pileup, but this one's on the

Massachusetts Turnpike.

I'm overhead, and it looks like one of the trucks down there was carrying angry

bees.

They're all over the place.

So whatever you do...

Take the Worcester Pike and stay off the Mass Pike.

Thank you, Caitlin.

Come on, little birdies, we're taking the Worcester Pike.

Traffic thing was brilliant.

I'm just going to sit with him.

All right. I'll be outside.

Is she okay? Yeah.

How about you? Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm sorry.

Sharon was right.

Getting involved with a woman who has a kid is a very, very big deal.

I don't know what to do.

Kid seems to really like you.

I really like that kid.

And don't go back in there.

What? I'm just saying, if you stop seeing Caitlin, no one would blame you.

She's fantastic.

And I don't want to have to stop seeing her.

Me? I'd run for the hill so fast.

Bergen, there you are.

Hello, Nurse Havisham.

I was just going over the week's logs, and you forgot to sign out Mr. Harrison.

No, no.

Who was ever on duty at the time should have signed him out when his daughter

picked him up.

He doesn't have a daughter.

Yes, he does.

She's a lawyer, and his grandson's going to kick my lanky butt.

According to this, he has nobody.

Pizza. Pizza?

I didn't order a pizza.

Hello, Mr. Harrison. How... What kind of pizza?

It's your favorite.

Everything on it, nothing touching.

I suppose now you want to come in.

No, not really.

Okay, you big loser.

If you people don't move, I'm gonna have an office in the basement!

Shut up, you flying rat!

Come on, Sharon, it's your turn.

No.

Pete, shut up. We bought you a nice present with Pete's money. Now, come on.

Come on, Sharon. Come on, run. One run.

Okay, one run.

That's it for today, guys. No more sledding.

Straight for the cows.

Those aren't cows.

I just let out the bulls.