Original subtitles

Watch it! That's my spleen!

Can't you be furious just for one?

Ironic, isn't it, Kamen? You and I, archenemies, assigned to the Mord

on Halloween?

Kinda spooky.

Well, that worked out well.

Will you quit it, Berg? You're not freaking me out.

Hey, hey, whoa.

Easy there, huh?

Lighten up. It's Halloween.

Listen, uh, my roommate and I, we're having this big party tonight, so why

you come by, huh?

Yeah, like I'm gonna party down with you.

Cayman, come on.

Put our differences behind us, you know?

Bury the hatchet. Never. In a million years.

In a trillion million years.

Hey, well, hey.

Okay. Suit yourself.

While others are having fun, you're going to be alone in the morgue on

Halloween.

You're not scaring me.

Berg,

you scared me half to death.

Let me take care of the other half.

Yeah,

very funny with the rubber blade.

Wow.

How'd you do that fake blood?

your party.

Again with the well -timed lightning.

Yes, we'll try to keep the noise down.

Yeah, I understand your dog has sensitive hearing.

He's a dog.

No!

Watch it! Sorry.

You're not sorry.

I am. I'm sorry you didn't wear a costume you can walk in.

Yeah, and I'm sorry you didn't dress in the costume I bought you. If you were a

fisherman, at least we'd go together. I wanted to be a cowboy.

But I was supposed to be your catch of the day.

We're at a cow... boy find a mermaid? Where would anybody find a mermaid?

Forget it. Just drop me near the keg.

Hey, Johnny.

Hey, Jack.

Hey.

Nice costume.

Oh, thanks. How do you pee in that thing? Out of a window on the 42nd

No.

I think the keg's running low.

Oh, it's all part of my evil plan. What?

to ruin your own Halloween party?

Fiendish. No.

You know how Berg pulls a Halloween prank on me every year?

You mean like the time he made you think you were shrinking?

They were big shoes.

I would have fooled anybody.

And a big hat.

Okay, okay. Well, this year, I rigged a keg over at the pizza place. When Berg

picks it up, it's going to be buried in a... Bucket of cornflakes.

And the huge jacket with the long sleeves.

Yeah, that was funny. That was funny. Yeah, where's Johnny? Because I'm

for a fisherman, but I don't see one anywhere.

Shut up.

Just get me to the chips.

All right.

Come on. Hop on, flipper.

you and Johnny are doing.

It's like that episode of Bonanza where little Joe goes to the well and he falls

in love with the mermaid.

Sharon, I want to be a cowboy.

Stupid Johnny.

Hey, Pete.

Where's the beer?

The keg on the counter, remember? I specifically asked you to pick it up.

yeah, you know, I got hung up at the hospital. We had this unexpected

D .O .A.

You still had enough time to get into costume.

What do you mean?

It's not bad, though.

Looks a little thick to be real blood.

What'd you use, ketchup?

Yeah, it's getting a little crusty.

Might want to add some fresh blood.

That's a good idea.

Nice hat.

No.

Hey, Boog the Butcher. Who cost you?

I'm sorry, butcher?

What the hell is wrong with you, huh?

Can't you tell the difference between animal blood and human blood, you

imbecile?

You're out of beer.

Oh, gosh, we're out of beer. I got an idea.

Why don't you go over to the pizza place and get the cake there?

Yeah. Why don't you take Calamity Johnny with you?

Oh, right. That's a great idea.

I'll take Johnny.

It'll give me a chance to work on my costume.

How'd you get the beer without the cork?

You didn't even get the keg.

Oh, yeah, the beer. I forgot.

Berg, look, if this is one of your pranks, I'm going to kill you.

Not coming back.

He blew me off because of one little fight?

He can go rot in hell.

Or in a dumpster behind the Dairy Queen.

Pete, punch bowl.

Oh, buddy, come on.

Cart's taken. Beat it.

Hey, Bert.

Oh, Ashley.

It's good to have some fresh meat at the party.

I was really surprised.

I was sure I'd be here at least a minute before you offended me.

No, no, no, no. I'm afraid that you're taking fresh meat the wrong way.

Look, Berg, I came here to have fun, but if you try any more of your stupid come

-on lines, like how you'd like to thaw me out or show me how you raise your

Titanic, I'm going to have to leave.

Trust me, you are not going to leave a killer party like this.

Oh, I'm not?

No, you're not.

Wow, there's something different about you, Berg. Something intense.

Well, what do you think?

I like it.

May I say that you make a wonderful victim.

Well, thank you.

All right, who's the tenant here?

We'll finish this later.

Is there a problem, officer?

Yes, there is. There have been some complaints about the noise. You want to

it down? You got it, officer. I'll turn down the music and dispose of some of

the gas.

Nice costume.

It's really realistic -looking blood.

Well, thank you. But I didn't do it myself.

A lot of people helped.

Pete, the cop, they want us to keep the music down.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, all right.

Yeah, you got me.

So this is your big prank?

Uh, no.

No, he's real. Mm, he looks real, too.

Ooh!

Big badge, big nightstick, right down to the fake spare tire from all those

donuts.

I told you I'd call the police if you didn't keep it down.

This is Himmelfar.

Oh, my God.

Maybe you'd like to come downtown, spend the night in our fake jail, and be the

fake wife of your cellmate.

I'm sorry about my friend, officer. We'll keep it down. You better.

You're a good kid. You!

gonna have to have a little talk with that mrs himmelbach forget her party's

falling apart like people are leaving would you go get the beer i have a lot

do all right what you think just killing sprees just happened oh okay all right

you know what i i give up i'm just gonna get the beer myself well you know what

bird if you were trying to pull a prank on me i'd fall for it because that's the

kind of friend i am i need this

So when am I going to get the tour of the place?

I'll show you around, but I got to warn you, my bedroom is a bloody mess.

I've been warned.

Okay, let's go then.

You scared me half to death.

All right, what's supposed to happen?

What?

What, I start to untie you and a bucket of cornflakes fall on my head?

I don't know how you did it.

But you know what? I'm not falling for it. Have fun getting out of this one,

Houdini.

Bacon straight pizza.

Who's this?

Yeah, yeah, I'm still here.

Did you get my little gift wrap present?

Who are you?

Oh, no, just your average, mentally deranged, homicidal imposter. Listen.

Can you grab me some celery stick? I feel like a bloody Mary.

And a bloody Sharon.

I thought it was part of your Halloween prank.

No, no, that wasn't my prank. This was my prank.

That was your prank?

Yeah. I was going to hang it over your bed. Can you imagine?

I've been busy, okay?

Some guy jumps out, hits me on the head, and he looks just like me.

I never realized how dashing I am.

That guy's been pretending to be you at the party. I've never seen my profile

before. I should be on a coin.

Berg, we've got to warn everybody.

Hello? Sharon, you have to get everybody out of the apartment.

You already took care of that. Your plan to run out of beer worked.

Is Berg still there?

to have a little chat with Mrs.

Hemmelfarb.

Oh, here he is.

Hi, Burke.

Sharon, you have to get down to the pizza place now, all right? And stay

from Burke.

Me and Burke will be waiting for you here.

I got a better idea. Why don't you get away from your Burke and me and my Burke

will be waiting for you.

Not listening.

Sharon, listen to me, okay? This is Burke. That's not me.

good impression of Berg.

Do me, do me.

Sharon, listen to me, okay? This is Berg. That guy's an imposter. Okay,

believe you. Sharon, there's something I've got to tell you about Berg. What?

He's going to make a lousy doctor.

All right, the police are on their way.

Okay, it's Sharon. It's Sharon. It's Sharon. It's Sharon.

What took you so long?

Hello?

You guys, this is worse than we thought. The guy in the apartment is a killer.

A killer? Yes.

Berg, I've got bad news for you.

Ashley. dead.

You're kidding.

She came to the party?

Pete, she came to the party!

Maybe it didn't hear me. She's dead.

Still, I consider it a minor victory.

Oh,

wait, wait, calm down. It's just the cops.

in place.

Hey, well, that's pretty good.

How'd you do it with the rigging? I put the rope around.

really sorry about the misunderstanding earlier. I thought that my friend here

was using you to pull a prank on us.

But anyways, Evil Twin's outside and he's trying to kill us.

We have the same dashing profile.

I ought to run the three of you in.

But lucky for you, I retire at midnight.

I don't want to spend the last hour of a 26 -year career filling out paperwork.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for my retirement party.

Well, he's dead.

My God!

I just cleaned that window this morning.

Where are you going? I've got to help him. I'm a doctor. You're not a doctor.

Then you go. You're close enough.

No, no, no. All right, all right, all right.

Come on. We've got to get a hold of ourselves. Just calm down.

Calm down.

All right, let's put some music on.

poor guy look on the bright side I didn't blow you off

killer. He's still out there. We should barricade the door. Yes, yes, yes.

I just thought of something. What if that's not the real Berg?

Oh, then we'd be barricading ourselves in with the killer.

That's not good.

Um, um, uh, Berg, uh, you remember last week when we were sitting around the

kitchen table talking, uh, if you were an appliance, what appliance would you

be? What did you say?

No, no, no. He'll never find it. It's behind some boxes.

Okay, you go help Pete. I'll stay here kicking the psycho bird.

No, Sharon!

He escaped!

No! No, it's me. I came to help you find the rope.

Oh, yeah?

Then what appliance would you want to be?

Toaster oven.

Talk about killing psycho birds.

I'll cut you some slack.

And now, some scenes from next week's episode of Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza

Plate.