Original subtitles

Burke, Burke, Burke, come here. Check this out. Check this out.

It's a spider.

No, no.

No, it's a mind -boggling achievement of engineering.

Did you know that the underbeam structure of the Cranberry Building in

Cincinnati is based directly upon God's own design of the common spider?

There I am, hovering over the body, sweat burning in my eye.

But I know the patient's life depends upon my steady hand.

So I grab the tweezers, stick it into his chest cavity, and ever so gingerly

pull out his funny bone.

Big red nose never went off.

You knew you were going to be a doctor because you were good at fling

Ever since I was six and a half.

Liar! It must be so great having always known what you were going to be.

Yeah.

It's always given me peace.

Liar!

Excuse me. My friend needs medical attention.

Something in your throat. I'm sorry, sir, but I'm going to have to give you a

ticket. Do you know how fast you were lying back there?

What? You didn't know you wanted to be a doctor until three months ago.

Well, if I hadn't lied in the first place, I never would have ended up in

school. So my stupid chemical company decides to have a stupid booth at this

stupid Earth Day fair.

And guess who's stupid enough to run it?

It does bring out the amino acids in your eyes.

What do you think?

future and the dork.

What's with the outfit? His dad's in town. Great! I haven't seen him since

graduation. Not great.

Bird, stop playing dressed up and tell your dad that you dropped out of law

school two years ago.

What? He still thinks you're in law school?

Well, your dad still thinks you're a virgin.

No, no, we don't tell the truth in my family. My dad's a lawyer.

That's healthy.

We don't fight, we don't share, and no shoes in the living room.

Berg, you owe him the truth.

It's not like I'm taking his money. I'm here on scholarship.

Eventually, you've got to find out.

I'm just trying to buy some time. I am this close to figuring out what I want

do with my life.

What happened to philosophy?

Philosophy was this close.

It's mentally challenging, but it's just not serving up the babes.

Go to business school. Become an executive. You'll have all the women you

Like, I'm going to wear one of these every day.

Okay, so basically you're looking for a career where you can wear pajamas and

gawker chicks.

Dang it, sister.

But for the time being, as far as my dad's concerned, I'm just a mild

law student for a great metropolitan law school.

Either I'm not Superman or she's wearing lead panties.

Now, remember, Mr. Bauer, I'm a law student.

No, you're not.

You're a philosophy major.

But for today, Mr. Bauer, just Sam in law school, okay?

I wish I could, but I can't.

And why not?

Today is my son's birthday, and I missed his party. I was busy in court, at

least. That's what I told the little guy. So my son made a wish.

For 24 hours, I cannot tell a lie.

This can't be good for me. Welcome to my world.

My God, he's actually clearing the dishes off the table.

All right. What have you done with my son?

Dad.

Mike. Mr. Bergen.

Pete. Hey.

When are you going to start designing that beach house for me? As soon as I

your deposit.

Well, you just have your hot shot lawyer here. Send over the contracts.

Dad. You remember Bill.

Bill, sure.

My son doing a good job? Oh, yeah.

When I can pull him away from the law books.

Bill, he did promise to work late Friday and Saturday nights to make up for it.

Right, Berg?

Sure. Because I would never take advantage of you.

Excuse me, Mr. Bergen.

What's his name again?

Mr. Bauer. Right. Mr. Bauer.

What's going on?

My shorts are bunching up on me.

Helen? Are you all right?

Not even remotely.

Dad,

why don't you grab a seat out here? I'll be there in a sec. Good. We'll have a

cigar and talk.

Yeah.

He wants to have a talk, Pete.

You gotta come with me.

Look, this is between you and your dad, all right? I'm not getting in the middle

of it. Okay, fine.

But if he starts asking about the law, just run interference.

I'm not good at this.

Here you go, boys.

Cubans.

Aren't these against the law?

Easy there, easy there.

So, Dad.

You're in town.

Yep, I'm in town for business. Important business. I'm here to talk to you about

becoming a lawyer.

I love football.

Steve Young's a lawyer.

Yeah, 49ers quarterback.

I bet he's happy when the defense rests.

So, Mike, how are you finding second year?

Oh, I am loving it. Studying constantly.

That's funny. You know, as a kid, you never stuck with anything. One week it

rugby, next week astronomy, and then there was music.

Daddy, I'm going to be the next Roy Clark.

I don't have to tell you that banjo's still sitting in the garage.

Banjo?

Hey, why don't you tell him that really interesting Steve Young story again?

Now he's graduating law school.

Due in no small part to you, Mr. Dunville.

What? Well, you had an important influence on him. Kept his head in the

Without you, he probably would have... Quit law school.

Oh, sir.

You're giving me way too much credit.

Nice. And I want to give you something to just kind of help you along while

you're designing that beach out. Oh, no, really.

Take my pen. Get around, boys. Big

meeting. But we've got dinner at eight tonight, okay? And Pete, thanks again.

You say you're not good at this.

All right, you know what? That's it. All done.

I'm out.

You know what?

You're nothing like your dad.

I don't even know where you came from.

And don't say Albany.

The thing is, I aspire to someday be the kind of man your father is. A man with

purpose and direction.

A man with dignity.

Go work the fair.

Think about what I said.

how stupid I look in this hat.

You're against chemicals, huh?

Hey, you, Mr.

Rogaine, where do you think your new hair came from?

I saw a group of people down that way.

They were eating veal.

Thank you.

Nice hat.

Phi Beta Kappa.

Soma Cum Laude. How are you?

Do you want a slice?

I don't even mention food.

I've had like 80 things.

Oh, what's that?

Oh, they're great. It's a synthetic candy bar. They taste exactly like

chocolate, only no fat, no sodium, no calories. These are going to be the next

big thing.

Ooh. Forever approved by the FDA.

lovers again oh no they're carrying eggs got high cholesterol

You want pepperoni?

You can't move your head, miss.

Mr. Bergen?

Mike's not with you, is he? No, no, he's at work.

What are you doing here? What happened to your big meeting?

This is my big meeting. What are you talking about?

I resigned from the firm.

I'm starting over.

You had this brilliant career and you gave it up to become a caricaturist?

We prefer sketch artists.

And I've been lying to my son about this.

Please promise me you'll...

You won't tell him.

Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in.

Mr. Bergen, you're a Harvard lawyer. Why are you working the fair market?

Sit down.

What's your favorite sport?

Basketball. Play tennis?

Not really.

How about badminton?

Oh, Mr. Bergen, don't draw me.

Oh, man.

Oh, I get it.

Because you're actually here gathering evidence for a case.

Tell me you're gathering evidence for a case.

I left the law to pursue my passion for art.

Art?

Big heads on little bodies is not art.

Well, I'm having the time of my life. Then why haven't you told Berg? Come on.

You know that Mike has dreamt of following in my footsteps.

And... You gotta help me hide the truth from him.

Oh, no. No, just until he graduates.

No, no. Mr. Bergen, I'm not good at this. Now, there you go.

My ears are not that big.

Perfect about it.

Dunhill is going to save the day. Oh, me.

No. I invite Mr. Bergen over to the apartment.

I tell them that they both have something they need to say to each

Dad, I'm not in law school. Mike, I play with crayons in the park.

Everyone hugs.

It'll be a real Oprah moment.

Obviously, they need to talk.

I mean, that's what we do in my family. We get it out. We talk. It's healthy.

But Pete, just because it works for your family doesn't mean it works for

everyone.

It's like this stuff.

You pour it down your sink, it unclogs the drain.

You pour it in a pond, you've got fish with feet.

Look, I gotta do something.

Yeah, you do. Stay out of it.

You know what, Sharon? You don't know what you're talking about.

Why didn't you tell me to duck?

Hey, I don't know what I'm talking about.

And that would be your dad.

What?

How do you know? Because I told him to stop by here before dinner.

I don't know what you're up to, Pete, but one word out of you and I'm showing

Mr. Bauer Silence of the Lambs and inviting him over to dinner.

Look, he has something to tell you. Just... Trust me.

What if... Let him tell you.

I think he'll paint a better picture.

Come on in for a minute.

Mike.

Dad.

Have a seat.

We've got an 8 o 'clock reservation.

Yeah, we don't want to lose that table. No, no, this won't take long.

Okay, now, um... You both have something that you need to say to one another.

the time to say it.

It's okay.

Talk.

I'll be in my room where I can't hear a thing.

So, how was your meeting?

Oh, fine.

How was class?

Good. Good, good.

So you had something you wanted to tell me?

Okay. Well, uh, that's really no big deal, but, uh...

I guess I'm sorry I never followed through with those

banjo lessons.

Well, I think what I have to tell you will put all that in perspective.

About six months ago, I was driving home after a hellish day in court,

and as I was...

Pulling into the garage... I ran over your banjo.

Well,

I'm glad we had this talk. Let's eat.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

What's wrong with you people?

What, you were eavesdropping?

It's those big ears.

They're not big!

He hasn't been in law school for over two years. What? Yeah, and he quit the

to draw...

Caricatures in the park. What?

There. Now, don't you feel better?

I know I do.

I can't believe you left the firm.

Where am I supposed to work when I graduate law school?

You're not in law school.

You didn't know that. You.

You.

Caricaturist.

I am a sketch artist.

I thought you were a lawyer. Well, I thought you were a law student. What

you been doing the last two years? I've been a philosophy major.

Oh, that's useful.

That's exactly why I didn't tell you. I didn't want to disappoint my father, the

world -renowned Getsch artist.

But Pete, it's working. It's working. This is communicating.

No, it's not. It's fighting.

I'm disappointed in you, Pete.

What? What did I do? I told you to lie.

Can't I trust you?

the matter with you?

I told you I wasn't good at this.

Keep it down.

Keep it down. We're hardly yelling.

No, me.

I can't keep it down.

Shannon, you okay?

You guys, get me to a doctor. Where's your car?

Why does he get the stereo?

I know this seems strange, but you spend 30 years arguing in court, and every

day clients are staring at you, their lives in your hands, and you start

doodling.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I thought it would throw you. I thought you wanted to be a lawyer. No,

Dad.

You wanted me to be a lawyer.

I was the only kid in fourth grade with a 12 Angry Men lunchbox.

wanted was for you to be happy.

So you're not totally disappointed?

Look, I mean, if you don't want to practice law, it's fine with me.

But you got to do something.

And my God, son, you're capable of doing anything.

Well, you know, just stop screwing around.

Meanwhile, how does mom feel about all this? Well, your mother's a trooper. You

haven't told her. Do you tell her about law school?

What are you, crazy? No reason to upset her. Deal.

You know, I'm, uh... I'm gonna go over to trauma, see if I can find anybody who

plays Batman or tennis.

Go get them.

Okay,

Sharon, what did you eat?

A whole bunch of synthetic candy bars.

Doctors, what is the course of treatment?

Humber Sonic.

Right.

You okay?

What do I do, Pete?

Now that I'm not being a lawyer, what comes next?

You.

What about me? What does this mean? After 30 years of being an architect,

going to melt down and become a juggler?

No.

I see you guessing people's ways.

Okay, now the nasogastric tube is in place.

We hit the switch and let her in.

I'll be right here.

Outstanding.

So tell me, doctor, if Miss Carter here were to continue her current diet, what

type of ulcerous bacteria would she develop?

Anyone?

Helicopacter pylori, probably in the duodenum.

Boston Journal of Medicine crossword puzzle.

Four down.

That's very good, doctor.

Bergen. Dr. Bergen. Very good.

Please follow me to ICU.

Look, Pete.

Pretty girl.

Pajamas.

So what is the prognosis for this patient?

Auricular diminution.

Most commonly known as?

Ear reduction.