Original subtitles

We're really burning the midnight oil with this med school thing. He's

Okay.

I need to see somebody's rectum.

Fine.

We invited them back here.

It's just not right.

Oh, I hear you.

We've got to set the mood.

Mood set.

I mean us, tonight, these women.

Excuse me.

It is completely right and exactly what you need.

Who are you to tell me what I need?

I'm your doctor.

You're not well enough to be anyone's doctor.

Oh, no, they found their spot.

They may call it a stethoscope, but this is a babe magnet.

Oh, my God, here they come.

Because they have no choice.

Bert, Bert, what are we going to do with two women we've picked up in a bar?

Don't make me get my anatomy book.

We don't have anything in common with these women. I don't see a future.

Me neither.

But I see a really fun present. You've got to learn to go with the moment.

Good, because at this moment, I'd like to go.

Go? Go what?

Another two months without a date?

It's time you got over Melissa.

I'm only doing this for you.

You know, Berg, I'm buying like a tenth of that.

I'll take it.

Hey, guys, I really need to talk.

About what?

Whoa, Ted called me again, and I mean...

No, Cher, we've got a couple of live ones coming up.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

This reminds me of my son's room.

Okay, well, guess I'd better leave.

Now that Thelma and Louise are here.

Who wants a drink?

A scotch. Bye, Pat. Okay.

Two beers coming up, Pete.

No, no, I'm good.

So, which one of you lives here? Both.

Live here, share the apartment.

A doctor and an architect who have to share an apartment?

Well, technically, we're still in grad school. Actually, this is just a little

place we keep in town.

Really?

Well, then tell me, Doc, where do you like to spend most of your time?

A little place just north of here called, uh, my bedroom.

It's a Socrates.

Most people think it's Plato, but... Socrates.

Burke.

Burke!

Yes?

Where's Valerie's drink? You didn't get her drink. I mean, she's thirsty.

Handle it, Pete.

You said you'd try.

But, Valerie, I can't make you any promises.

Claudia. Look, even if, you know, something happens tonight, um,

that doesn't necessarily mean that, you know, you're the one.

Okay, so I just wanted to clear the air.

So nobody's leading anybody on.

Okay? Now, with that being said, I think it'll make for a much more fun evening.

I'll be in the car.

Come visit me at the bowling alley.

You are in desperate need of repair.

They were there, they were cute, and they were ready.

Yeah, for menopause.

They were not that old. But all personal bitterness aside, Pete blew it.

It's not funny.

What is the point of telling some scotch -soaked broad that she's not the one?

Bill, I'm not going to ask you again.

What was...

Now, Pete's got to learn that when you fall off a horse, you've got to get

back on. Exactly right.

So women are horses.

I've got to go deliver these salads.

Face it, Bert.

He's not just going to hop in the sack with some baby he doesn't even know.

You're right.

For him, it's got to be a relationship. There has to be a future.

Yeah. What is with that?

Ouch!

I'm just saying he needs to saddle up for a quick ride, then hop right on.

You're not dating anyone.

So?

So.

You're a babe.

Forget it.

Look, Cheryl.

Aside from a hooker, you're the only girl that Pete could have sex with and

have to worry about falling in love.

Gosh, Bert.

Will you put me up on that kind of pedestal?

You know what I mean. I so hope you have a backup plan.

Bill, I'm sorry I'm late. I had a rough night. We heard.

We laughed.

Burke, did you have to tell everyone?

I didn't have to.

Pete, I never told you this.

Is there any chance we can keep it that way?

I was in high school and I met this beautiful blonde on a beach one summer.

Her name was Sandy.

She's from Australia.

Summer Love and Pete happened so fast.

Tell me more. Tell me more.

I took her bowling in the arcade.

Then we hung out, drank lemonade.

Let me guess.

You made out under the dock.

We stayed out till 10 o 'clock.

Okay, that's it. All done.

Look, Berg, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ruined your shindig. I don't know what's

wrong with me.

It's this simple, okay? You just come off this major relationship, and now

you're looking for another relationship to fill the void. All right.

But you can't just jump from one right into another.

You need a girl to get you back in the swing.

A short -term relationship with no future.

Berg's right.

What you need is a nice rebound girl.

Okay, all right, but how do you go out with someone knowing it's not going to

anywhere?

Bert?

Well, that's something that comes with practice.

Okay, fine.

Where do I find this rebound girl?

I don't know.

Sharon, where do guys meet you?

Where's the ladle?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Not the ladle. The next time I use this, you're going

to have to have it surgically removed.

That's it.

That's perfect.

It's really not, Bert. See, even...

After they sew you up, it's still a week before you can walk.

Thank you.

No, no, no, no, no. I met the perfect rebound girl for Pete.

Where? In med school.

Come on, Berg, I'm fine.

No, no, no, no. Trust me, okay? This is perfect. She's smart, she's beautiful,

and I'm telling you up front, she's only in town for a few weeks.

That sounds ideal.

Oh, it is ideal.

My brain is so big that it hurts my neck lugging it around.

So she's not a med student.

She's not a doctor.

She's not a nurse.

What is she?

Sick.

You set me up with a patient?

It's nothing.

She's just having her lungs rotated.

Come on.

She's recuperating from some minor respiratory thing. You'll love her.

Wait a minute.

Does she wheeze?

Pete. She's a great girl.

I don't know anything about her. What's to know?

She enjoys rock climbing, has two dogs, and loves Italian opera.

Look, I appreciate everything you're doing, but I'm just not ready.

If you're not ready now, when will you be ready, Pete?

It's been two months. You've come this far, just meet her.

Bert! Lauren?

This is the guy I've been telling you about.

Pete Dunville, Lauren Henderson, Lauren Henderson, Pete Dunville.

Lauren and Pete.

Michael Bergen.

Why leave myself out?

When?

I might as well just let myself out.

Okay.

Take him every four hours and call me in the morning.

Buongiorno.

How you doing, Pete?

All of a sudden, much better.

Same here.

Oh, have a seat.

Grazie.

Berg, so he told you I like Italian opera.

La roba lavata dal nostro vicino e caduta.

That is so beautiful. What does that mean?

It means our neighbor's laundry has fallen.

Whoa!

Big brain.

Bill, Mr. Bauer still doesn't like the pizza.

Hey, Bauer.

What's wrong with my pizza?

Bill, I'm afraid grease is the word.

Man, grown -ups just do not get me.

So, what can I get you two lovebirds?

Nothing, Pete. We're fine.

Sorry.

He recently met a girl he really liked, so... I guess that makes two of us.

Excellent answer.

How we doing, folks?

Today, we have a beautiful spring calzone with seasonal peppers and three

of cheese.

But that's not all.

Bill has also prepared his famous chicken sausage pizza. It's the talk of

sausage community.

Take all the time you need.

What the hell is a spring calzone?

It's a calzone.

It's springtime.

I miss the old Pete, the sad Pete.

Now, he was funny.

I haven't had a good laugh in... Exactly ten days.

Ten glorious, romantic days, all thanks to this guy. Everyone, let's give it up

for my pal, Berg.

Woo -hoo!

All right, sunshine.

Get over there and chop some onions until you at least look sad.

We've got to talk.

Berg, Hank.

Hank, my obtrusive friend, Berg.

How you doing?

So, you're a marine biologist? Yeah, right. And she works for a chemical

company. She kills algae for a living. There's no future here, Hank.

Oh, God.

Would you excuse us for just a minute?

Yeah, sure.

major that you are willing to risk the ladle.

Pete's rebound girl's gonna die.

What? I misread the chart.

You set him up with a dying girl?

We can't sit on this.

How are you going to tell him?

No way.

You got him into this, you tell him.

It wasn't my fault.

She was supposed to be a rebound girl.

I wasn't supposed to fall in love with her.

Do you want to hear the truth or do you want to hear what you want to hear?

What I want to hear.

I told him about the rebound thing, therefore none of this is your fault.

could you not have told him? I mean, you'd think this would be the type of

that you'd tell someone.

What do you think?

You must know.

And Mr.

Green, he's so serene, he's got a TV in every room.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What's the rule on how long you can date a rebound girl?

The book says anywhere from one week to a month and a half.

Okay, this could work.

You know, it's almost been two weeks. I just got to get him to break up with her

before he finds out.

Yeah, because that's going to be easy.

Hank,

I really had fun. Yeah, so did I.

Just when you think you're never going to meet somebody. I know. Tell me about

it. I'm coming off a six -year relationship.

Yeah, I guess you are.

Well, beats renting videos.

A few weeks ago, you were moping around, Melissa this, Melissa that, Melissa,

Melissa, Melissa.

Now look at you.

Yeah, and I owe it all to you.

Lawrence.

I mean, you know how, like, I'm always like, this girl's great, but she's not

the one, she's not the one. Of course she's not the one.

No, that's just it.

Lauren might be the one.

And that's exactly why you have to break up with her.

No way.

Pete, come on. You know, these rules have been clearly established. If

the one, then you're wasting her as your rebound girl, thereby completely taking

her out of contention to be the one.

So according to you, I need to break up with Lauren to find a girl I don't like.

So I can get back with Lauren, who I'm already with. Now you got it.

Now I don't.

Pete, there's something I gotta tell you.

Lauren what?

Lauren is... Lauren's what?

Not recuperating.

What are you talking about?

This is a repertory thing.

Pete, I was wrong.

I misread the chart.

I don't think that she has that long to live.

Oh, Bert, if you're screwing around with me... I wouldn't.

You set me up with a dying woman? I didn't know. I didn't know.

How hard is it to read a chart? The writing is so small.

Where are you going?

Ice skating.

Where do you think I'm going? I'm going to talk to her.

But it's past visiting hours. They're not going to let you in.

They will if I'm with you.

She's probably downstairs having tests. Every day they drag her downstairs for

some more tests.

Excuse me. We're here to see Lauren Henderson.

Oh, I'm sorry, but she's gone.

What do you mean she's gone? I'm sorry.

Would be me.

You mean you're not going to die?

Sorry. No, no, I mean, that's great. I just had this little respiratory thing.

They released me. I left you a message on your home machine.

Pete, do you realize what this means?

I read the chart right on my first try.

I thought I was going to lose you.

You know, on my way over here, I realized how short life is.

You know, how little time we have.

Look, in three weeks, my semester's over.

Let's go see Pavarotti.

Let's go to Italy.

Let's go see Pavarotti in Italy.

First, you might want to see him in, yes, Georgia.

Gee, Pete.

I'm going home to Colorado.

Colorado?

Colorado so far?

Not? If you're in Denver.

Pete, you can come and visit.

I don't want to just come and visit.

Look, Lauren, once you've had a near -death experience, I mean, your whole

outlook should change.

Pete, I didn't have a near -death experience.

Okay, but, I mean, we did have.

Didn't that mean anything to you?

No, it was great.

It was wonderful.

But that wasn't what this was all about.

I was just coming out of a long -term relationship, and so were you.

Your life is here in Boston, and my life is in Colorado.

That's why Berg said we'd be perfect together.

You know what they should do?

Make bigger charts. That way, you could write bigger.

My chariot awaits.

We'll keep in touch.

Sure.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the psychiatric ward.

Find out why I'm friends with you.

There you are. We were worried about you today.

I just needed a little time.

Well, by chance in that time, did you manage to find the bright side?

Because we just couldn't.

No, I'm still working on it.

I do want to thank you, though. Oh.

No, not at all.

For introducing me to a woman who broke my heart twice in eight minutes.

While I was mourning her passing, she popped out of the john to dump me.

But through all this, you haven't even thought about Melissa.

That'll give you all part of my master plan.

You are just a big, long problem.

Let's say we go grab a drink, sure? Okay, do it. I'll tell you this, I am

definitely ready to start dating again.

Oh, my... No relationship could possibly end worse than this one. I love a

challenge.

Another pleasant valley Sunday Charcoal burning everywhere

See Mrs. Gray, she's proud today Because the roses are in

bloom See Mr. Green, he's so serene He's got a TV