Original subtitles

You should have seen me last night at O'Malley's. I sat in with the band.

Okay, I didn't do anything, but I got there.

Gee, Bert, I'm sorry I missed it, but you know what? It hit me the other day.

I'm actually here to get a degree.

Hey, come watch women's softball with me today.

Hey, I gotta go to class.

Bert, we can't all be philosophy majors.

It's not my fault a bunch of guys in sandals did my homework for me 4 ,000

ago.

That's mine.

So what do you plan to do after grad school?

Why can't you just let me be happy? Because it's not fair to the rest of us.

I mean, look, you triple majored in undergrad and you never even opened up a

book. That.

The wonder of me.

No, it's not the wonder of you. It's the trouble with you. See, you're always

just skating by, right? And someday, someday you're going to hit a rough

Who poured you a double mocha grumpy this morning?

Grumpy.

Spent all night on this. I got to test instructors.

We have to be at work at three and... I'm breaking up with Melissa today.

Oh, boy.

We have to be at work at three?

I'm breaking up with Melissa today?

One hole.

Come on.

Berg, I can't be late.

When Sharon stops down, I'll make her give us a ride.

What makes you think she's going to stop down?

I stole her last roll of toilet paper.

Come on, Berg. I'm not in the mood.

So what the hell's going on with you and Melissa?

I don't know. Look, next week is our six -month anniversary, and the lease is up

on Hong Kong.

Huh? The Chinese are taking back the lease on Hong Kong.

Really? I never knew the Chinese were leasing.

I mean, think about all those people who work so hard to make Hong Kong what it

is, right? For what?

They have no future.

It's just like Melissa and me, right? I mean, if I was meant to spend my life

with her, I'd be thinking about getting married by now. Now, do you see me

shopping for a ring? No.

Duckly, we are living in Hong Kong, waiting for a lease to run out.

Quit thinking so much.

You like her? She adores you.

Screw the future.

One under.

Look, look, look. Melissa's terrific, right? But she's just... She's not the

one.

8 .45?

All is clear.

Since when do you have asthma?

I don't. So, Melissa's not the one, huh?

Berg, you gotta stop doing these experiments. You're gonna hurt yourself.

It pays 50 bucks.

But you don't have asthma.

Don't need it.

You know how they always say not to exceed the recommended daily dosage?

Well, I'm the guy.

Who exceeds it so they know why you shouldn't.

Well, I'm the guy who had to drive you to the hospital when that new foot spray

made your toenails fall off.

They grew back thicker.

Bird, you just can't. You hate things. No, don't change the subject.

Dating, getting used to someone new, finding out their quirk.

What's Melissa's? What?

What?

Nothing.

Peter, we don't play that.

All right, you can't tell anyone.

As soon as you tell me, I'm chopping off my tongue.

Melissa? Yeah? When we're going at it? Yeah.

She starts to laugh.

But, like, uncontrollably.

Sure. You guys suck.

So sex makes Melissa happy.

No, no, no, no, no, no. We are way past happy.

This is psychotic.

It's maniacal. It's like...

That's

what that is?

Did you put the seat back up?

Why do we suck?

Because we all graduate together.

Yet I have to put on heels, which I hate, and go out in the real world and

chemicals, which I hate, while you knuckleheads get to plague off, which I

hate.

You make like a bazillion dollars.

Selling my soul?

Look, if I close this deal today, I make commission on 500 gallons of toxic

cleaner I'm selling to some oil rig. So, I can enjoy a weekend at the Cape.

While killing off all sea life between here and Guam. I hate myself.

Yeah, but you love your beamer.

Love it.

Why don't you drop me off when you take Pete to class?

What, I'm taking Pete to class? That's perfect.

Let it be off, huh?

Pete's breaking up with Melissa today. Good.

Good? You said you liked her.

Bye.

So?

So?

How'd she take it?

I'd say pretty well. You didn't do it. No, but... Made a one -state to do it

here.

What are you doing?

Oh, oh, oh, I got everything planned out. Okay, the blue cards, why it's best

for her, the yellows, why we should stay friends, and the pink, things to say

when she starts to cry.

You know, this behavior reflects badly on both of us.

Hey, Bill, you know, I'm thinking it might be time to spring for some new

cushions. Good idea.

Then maybe some curtains and a little paint job, too. There you go.

Then maybe we should think up a new name, because I tell you what, it won't

Beacon Street Pizza no more.

It won't be the same place my daddy built. Here, build your own damn place.

Good joint, Pete.

What's with him? He's breaking up with Melissa.

What does he want to do that for?

He feels she's not the one.

Tell him to shut up.

Hey, Pete, I found that article on Marlon Brando's trainer.

Thanks, Mr. Bauer.

Why is he always bringing me things?

He loves you. He's delusional. He's constantly telling me stories about his

that I know are from movies.

We don't know that, Berg.

There was no way he was one of the apple dumpling gang.

Incoming. Oh, it's Melissa.

She wore her hair down.

I just want you to know I support you 100%. Bill, it's starting.

Hey.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, Bill. I'm Mr. Bauer.

Berg?

What's this?

My classmate, you cookie.

Aw.

Oh, they love you.

Because they know I love you.

Melissa,

you know how the lease is running out on Hong Kong?

Sure.

Although there is that stipulation that China has to ensure the preservation of

Hong Kong's way of life, both socially and economically, for at least another

years.

So Hong Kong's still going to be Hong Kong?

You're smart.

What are these? Oh, sorry.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I was trying to hand them to you.

It's spilling the water.

Bill, what do you make of that? Take him out. He's done.

Bill, I don't believe we've seen the last of this feisty young girl from

Wisconsin.

Don't talk into the food.

Very smooth.

Look, I can't do this with you guys leering.

I always leer.

It's suspicious if I weren't leering.

You'd be like, why isn't Berg leering?

Berg leering.

Isn't that a type of Merlot?

It's a cabernet.

310.

Starting to babble.

Uh, Pete, you better get back in there before Bauer steals your woman.

I thought I told you no more experiments.

They interfere with your work.

Mr. Thomas.

Yeah, that's what you said when you couldn't get your sweat glands to stop.

Had to follow you around with a mop.

The shark's coming right at me.

And I only have one bullet left.

I think, oh, I'm a ghost.

Then I see the oxygen tank in its mouth. What do you think I do?

You shot the tank and the shark blew up. I shot the tank?

The shark blew up?

and Richard Dreyfuss. One back to shore.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Bauer. Boy, that was a hell of a day.

You are a lucky guy.

Yeah.

Well.

What is with you today?

Is there something you want to tell me?

No.

Are you trying to break up with me?

No.

What have you done to him?

Hey, this one isn't me, because I'm the one who said he shouldn't break up with

you. No!

I don't believe you. No, I wasn't. He's evil. He may be not evil, but at least

he's honest. It's just so... Oh, move.

You're just so... You know,

I want to hear it the hell with you. Life's too short, Pete.

See you around. Melissa, we... Ten years from now, when you're fat and alone,

and you have to wear a baseball cap at club med to hide your hair transplant,

remember,

You had a good thing here, and you blew it.

I don't believe it.

She broke out with me.

It just got dumped.

Boy, did you have them.

And in front of everybody, too.

So, you get the account?

Yep. One more client for me, one less feces. A bird.

Sharon, if you don't like it, quit.

Life's a waste unless you're doing what you love.

You're right. I mean, I can do anything I want. I'm smart.

Absolutely right. I'm motivated.

Yes, you are. I'm a people person. I gotta go back and count my pepperonis.

I am.

Aren't I, Bert?

Sharon, you're a lot of things, but people person?

It goes to Unabomber, then you.

No. That's why we love you.

How's the delivery?

Fine.

Traffic? Not bad.

The toppings slide?

A little bit.

Gee, you two fight like a couple of broads. Kick his ass, Pete.

Yeah, he's wearing my shirt.

I can't believe you're mad at me.

Isn't that what you wanted? I mean, one minute you're going to break up with

her, and the next minute she breaks up with you.

And you flip out.

He has a point.

You should have just minded your own damn business.

Yeah, he's got you there.

I mean, when she walked out of here, I had an epiphany.

I mean, how many Melissa's are there in the world?

What's wrong with me?

I'll tell you what's wrong with you, okay? You keep saying Melissa's not the

one, when in reality you know she is the one. And you're scared to death of it.

Ding, ding, ding. Berg wins.

All right, cover for me. Where are you going? Over to Melissa's to blame the

whole thing on you. If there's anything she'll believe, it's that.

Uh, no, she won't.

Why not?

Right now, if I'm Little Miss Yippee, I get summers off.

Then you come through the door blaming it all on Berg, which says to me that

did in fact want to break up and you need your buddy to do it for you.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much for destroying my future.

Future killer.

You know, I was in love once.

We shared a flat in France.

Then the war came. All hell broke loose.

Somehow... I found myself in Morocco running a nightclub.

And she walked back into my life. By then, she was married.

Don't do what I did, son. Don't let her get on that plane.

It's okay, Mr. Bauer.

We'll always have Paris.

Pete, delivery.

Let me take this one.

I want to see if I can operate heavy machinery.

Fine. I'll just assume the drive safe is implied.

Berg.

Thank you. I'd love to.

So, let me guess.

He sent you to make up with me?

He doesn't know I'm here.

Ooh. Oranges.

Why are you here?

Look, Mel, I'm no expert on relationships.

This just in.

But I am an expert on Pete, okay? And sometimes he just gets a little confused

is all.

Give the guy a break. I mean, I'm the one who blew it. Look, admit it. You're

just here to make yourself feel better, Bert.

That's right. I feel better when you guys are together. Give me a break,

I do. It makes my best friend happy.

Look, you know I can tag...

Where's that place where you're safe, where they can't get you?

Home base?

Home base.

Pete's my home base.

I mean, I wouldn't get to be me if he wasn't him.

And someday I hope I'll find someone like you.

And when I blow it, which I will, I know he'll go over and make her realize that

there's something here worth saving.

Well, I've, uh...

Never doubt you to be so open.

Me neither.

Oh, God.

What?

748. Having used 800 times the normal recommended daily dosage,

now experiencing a side effect, feeling extremely honest and forthright.

I've never been more afraid in my life.

Truth serum.

So you have to tell the truth.

Oh, yeah.

Huh.

Last Wednesday when Pete was supposed to take me to the gallery opening.

I've got to go.

And he called me and told me you had the allergic reaction to shellfish and had

to be rushed to the hospital.

We were at the dog trip.

And last week when he couldn't make my cousin's engagement party because you

guys were collecting toys for the orphanage.

We were playing pop and shot at a mallet. I know.

You have to understand.

It was for the world championship of all.

What?

What did he tell you about me?

Everything. Like what everything?

Like the first time he saw you, he said he actually felt his heart stop.

Really?

And you do a phenomenal Linda Ronstadt imitation.

Thanks.

And he hates sushi.

But goes with you all the time because he knows you love it.

Why didn't he say anything?

And you laugh like a mad scientist during sex.

I did a bad thing.

Hoover, who did you do a bad thing to?

What more could you have done to me today?

Please, do not tell me you went over to Melissa's.

Oh, Bert.

I didn't want you blaming me for screwing up the rest of your life, so I

over there to get you guys back together. And? And she never wants to

you again.

Bert, what did you tell her?

Everything. It wasn't me. It was the asthma inhaler. It had side effects.

It was like a truth serum.

Bert, Bert, what did you tell her?

I...

I told her where you really were last Saturday. Oh, God.

I told her about the laughing.

You what?

You know, when you guys have sex.

She laughed like a crazy lady in an attic.

God, so that's what that is.

Do you still have to tell the truth?

I'm not sure.

Ask me if I like your hair this way.

Do you like my hair this way?

Yes, very much.

It wore off.

My life is not one of your experiments. Just leave it alone.

You know, I'm starting to feel way underappreciated here.

Go.

Cover for me.

Yeah, there's about as much chance of me wearing this thing.

Hey, people person.

Excuse me, can I see a menu?

It's the pizza place.

What are you doing out here? Did you come to push me into traffic?

I don't like you being mad at me. I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at me.

I'm going to be 25, and I don't even know where my life is. And the one good

thing I had, I messed up.

When my dad was my age, he had a house.

He had a wife.

He had me.

What do I have?

You have the ability to suck the life out of an evening.

There's no blueprint for life, okay? First, it's meiosis. Out of the womb.

Sniff. Then you get a big old aneurysm and you puff over your deck.

Everything in between just happens, Pete.

Enjoy it.

God, Bert.

Not like you, all right?

I don't find pearls when I eat oysters.

I can't learn Russian in three days from a book called How to Learn Russian in

Three Days.

I wish I could, but I can't. That's why you have me.

Are you going to have my children?

There is an experiment at MIT next week.

What if I wind up alone?

What if I wind up alone, hanging out in some pizza place, telling anyone who

will listen to me about the time I plowed under my cornfield and built a

baseball diner?

Listen to me, okay?

Everything's going to work out, all right? You'll have the wife and the

It's there.

You just can't see around that turn yet.

How can you be so sure?

Because I know it has to.

If my life doesn't work out, I'm coming to live with you.

You heard me.

Fine.

Hey,

Bert. What do you think's going to happen to Sharon? I'm sure she'll settle

down, I'm kidding.

Get your butts back in here!

Take over Cuba.

or to shut up or you'd bash his head in with a shovel.

Well, he kept waving at me.

Oh. How long did it take to make up with somebody?

Relax.

Hey, hey.

It's time to go.

Go figure. Melissa and I are going to try and work things out.

Great. I've always liked her.

Come on.

I think what we need here is a little pop and shot of the mountains.

Oh, no, I can't. Sure, it's fine.

Because I'm a people person.

I told Melissa I'd go back over with a video.

Go back over?

Not in your condition.

Look at him.

All clammy and yellow.

No, guys. Food poisoning.

It's you like that. Guys, we'll call from the bar.

You're fine.