Original subtitles

This news just in. The Muslims don't like uncertainty.

Oral pipeline in the pipeline.

Let me declare.

Off the record.

How do I put this? And the answer is, we're out.

She wants to be liked. She wants to see liked. She wants to walk the mile in

their shoes.

Every day in Boston, thinking how to break it through the nation. Thinking

to break the news.

She wants to save it. She wants to play it.

She really hopes that nobody's fool.

Have you seen this? After all that talk of David Davis resigning, some people

are saying I should be replaced by Michael Gove.

Oh, no, that's never going to happen. I should think not.

No. I've got 50 quid on Jacob Rees -Mogg and a novelty belt on Matt LeBlanc.

To replace you when you retire in 20 years' time.

Hey guys, welcome to the show. You've all heard about Fortnite, the game young

people can't seem to get enough of.

Well, some viewers have contacted me saying they're worried about their loved

ones becoming addicted.

Put them off forever.

We're the hardest, most impossible to win version of Fortnite yet.

Fortnite, battle Brexit.

I'm going to be David Davis.

I'll be Liam Fox.

You start out as one big team, then slowly turn on each other.

It's just like being in the cabinet.

OK, I've jumped from the battle bus, but I haven't got a parachute. What do I

do? I've got absolutely no idea. What are our objectives?

God knows. It's total chaos.

Oh, God, an army of Michel Barniers. What weapons do you have?

I'm checking.

Ah, too late.

I'm covered in red tape. It might feel like you're getting somewhere, but not

for long.

Why can't I find any trade deals?

I was told there were trade deals in this building.

I can't make any progress. Philip Hammond's in the way. Move!

Move! I can't, it seems to be his default setting.

There's Vince Cable trying to trigger a second referendum.

I'll just step over him. And there's always a ticking clock in the corner of

screen. You must finish by 29th of March, 2019.

We're running out of time.

This is impossible.

So, yeah, I'd recommend Fortnite Battle Brexit.

Oh, this is doing my nut in. Forget this.

I'm going to go write that essay I've been meaning to do for the past five

weeks. Yeah, and I've just remembered I've got a girlfriend.

Oh, no, I don't. From Epic Fail Games.

Are you sure about this?

Fine. He's a friend of the family, neighbour.

And he's got a very responsible job.

It'll be fine.

Thank you so much for doing this at such short notice.

We should be back by 10 .30, but any problems, our mobile number's there.

give us a call, OK?

Any questions, Mr Gove?

No.

I'm completely confident in my ability to look after this human infant.

And you are absolutely right to put your trust in me in regard to this matter.

Great. Well, we'll see you in a few hours. Have a wonderful time. And may I

say that you have my absolute and categorical assurance that I won't sell

Sorry? The infant.

I won't sell it.

Why would you sell him?

I wouldn't. I just assured you of that.

Then why mention it? To put your mind at ease. To give you a cast -iron

assurance that I would neither sell it nor leave it unsupervised when I go

shopping. You can't leave him unsupervised.

Yes, I know, and I wouldn't.

any more than I would eat it.

You know what? I'm actually feeling a little tired.

I think we might give it a miss tonight.

Right, who?

Let me give you back that thing you gave me. Always nice to interact with

humans. I mean fellow humans.

Don't worry, I'll let myself out the front door. I certainly won't go out the

back way and rifle through your bins.

And you have my word on that.

H &M is to change its UK women's wear sizes after years of complaints from

customers that the clothes are far smaller than labelled.

So let me get this straight.

They've agreed to make their clothes the size they say they are on the label.

Wow. Big round of applause, H &M.

Or should that be extra small round of applause?

Live or live, tickets!

Get your tickets here for the UK's biggest politics -slash -music -slash

-basket -weaving festival. Make sure you get them here and not on Viagogo.

Although they are quite a bit cheaper on there.

Hello, John.

What are you looking so worried about?

Is this right, that we're struggling to sell tickets for the Labour Festival

thing next week?

Sales have been ever so slightly sluggish, John. That's why I thought I'd

down here and sprinkle on a bit of the old JC Stardust.

Oh, look, here we go. Hello.

Can I have two tickets to Battenhill, please?

OK, no. These are strictly Labour Live tickets.

Oh, right.

What about the Lion King? Can you go away, please?

It says here we've only sold 20 % so far.

People said I'd only get 20 % of the vote in the general election, John. But

what did I end up with? 39 .8%. Exactly.

And you can't do better than that.

Now, Len McCluskey's giving away 1 ,000 free tickets.

This isn't going to turn into a fiasco, is it? Calm down, John. It's true we've

had to adjust the ticketing strategy a bit, but it's not like we're bussing

people in.

We're bussing people in. United are paying for free coaches.

Jeremy, they're saying we could lose a million quid on this.

Oh, it'll be fine.

Excuse me.

You're Jeremy Corbyn, aren't you? Would you like a selfie, young lady?

Oh, no, it's just that my mate thought you were Noel Edmonds.

Told you.

Maybe we need to do something to create a bit of publicity.

Well, I did plug it on Twitter the other day.

You know, some of our lot on there are a bit much.

Somebody ought to tell them to tone it down a touch. How about we announce a

really radical new policy, like nationalising the dairy industry?

It's rather Stalinist. Thanks very much. It wasn't a compliment, John.

We could do with getting me back on the front pages.

Maybe people just aren't that excited about us anymore.

They are saying that we've passed peak Corbyn.

I don't believe that, do you? I think we're still in the foothills.

And there, up ahead of us, is a glorious snow -covered mountaintop of pure and

perfect socialism.

So let's you and me put our crampons back on, John, and get Britain to that

summit.

The workers.

The workers.

Ooh, is this the place for Labour Life tickets?

It sure is, my friend.

Great, because I've got these two spares and I literally cannot give them away.

Can I return them? Or swap them?

Actually, I do have a couple of tickets for the matinee of Dreamgirls, if you're

interested. But I have to warn you, they are restricted view.

No, that's much better. Thank you.

So,

let's get started.

What are we going to do to fix this timetable business, which is turning

bit of an... Unmitigated disaster.

OK, we're actually saying that, aren't we? Yep. Any ideas?

I've been thinking, you know, traditionally we work out what time

and then try to get the trains to arrive at that time. But what if we just see

when the trains turn up, write it down and say that's the timetable? Perhaps we

need to drill down into why the trains aren't arriving when they should be.

Well, it's a combination of poor planning, mismanagement, staff

ageing infrastructure and a crippling lack of investment.

Could we drill down a little less deeply than that?

Sorry I'm late.

Bloody trains.

Right,

now, I've had a little think about this... Unmitigated disaster.

Oh, right, we're actually saying that, are we?

OK, well, I wondered if we could use different words. For example, perhaps we

could call this one the 1237...

Ish. Or leave the times but change the places.

I mean, the 8 .34 from Halifax did leave at 8 .34 this morning, just not from

Halifax. Do we even need the trains to turn up at all? Perhaps we just need

better excuses for why they're not there.

Well, we agreed on this.

You blame the slow -running service in front because it's the one direction you

can't see from a train.

It's perfect. Right. Still makes it feel like it's our fault.

We could say the driver got mauled by a lion. We can't say that. They'd never

believe us.

What, have we got a lion? Well, at the risk of sounding like one of our

customers, I don't feel at all comfortable.

No wonder the timetables don't work. It's the strike.

Look, there isn't a strike.

Exactly. For the first time in years, we've got actual drivers driving actual

trains right across the network.

No wonder it's clogged up.

Sorry I'm late.

Trains were a nightmare, actually. I ought to head off here. I'm going to

the four o 'clock. Oh, Christ, is that the time? There's only one direct

an hour now, so I should probably... Me too.

Will they ever fix his engineering works, eh? You coming?

Oh, God, no. I drive in.

Trains at the moment are awful.

Coming soon to ITV2, brand -new spin -off, Love, Ireland.

But only the Northern best.

Now they've finished filming Game of Thrones, Northern Ireland needed

else cutthroat, functional, and full of gratuitous sex.

It's another beautiful summer's day in County Antrim, and the gang are getting

to know each other.

So, tell us a bit about you, Arlene.

Regarding the customs union issue, maintenance of the same rules and

as the rest of the UK are a red line for me.

And Downing Street are aware of that.

Oh, safe.

I want a gym in Southend.

The girls are in the bedroom, whispering so nobody knows what they're saying,

unless they read the subtitles.

I've been coupled up with the British Prime Minister, Theresa May.

We're supposed to whisper.

This is me whispering.

I'm glad I've got Theresa.

I like someone who does exactly what they're told.

But I think I'm going to mug her off. Do you really get the hang of this show

now? And the boys are looking hot.

I'm thinking your obligatory six -pack.

Oh, yeah, mate, I've been putting in some serious gym time.

No, it's working for you, bruv. You look well sick.

No!

as an abomination.

Oh, no, Arlene, we're not gay. We're just self -obsessed narcissists. Coming

soon. Love Ireland.

That's just like Stormont here.

We've got nothing in common.

Sure we do.

We've all got chlamydia.

Make for yourself, son.

Hey, kids, turn that frown upside down. Your daddy will be home any minute now.

Who's the leader of the gang that's made for you and me?

R -U -P -E -R -T -M -O -U -S -E.

Yay, it's Rupert Mouse.

Just back from Disney HQ, kids. It's like a home from home.

They've got a goofy there, too.

And a dopey.

Not forgetting a beauty.

Oh, does that make you the beast?

Only in the bedroom.

So?

How is your meeting with the mouse?

Well, turns out it's not an actual mouse. Just some guys in suits. But I

we can do business.

Please don't sell Fox to them. Yeah, it's not fair.

I could sell it to SpongeBob SquarePants if I wanted to.

You know, he'll only get hold of his people.

We're Murdoch. We don't sell, we buy.

Not anymore.

You've got a face fact.

Compared to the likes of Google, Fox is a Mickey Mouse operation.

So now it is going to be a Mickey Mouse operation.

Besides, it was Jerry's idea.

What? Well, kids, Disney is our retirement plan.

And what better place to live happily ever after than Disneyland?

Ride after ride, up and down, screaming your heart out.

And then we'll do the roller coasters.

Please, Dad, don't do it. You kids are going to have to learn to stand on your

own two feet.

Your stepmother's right. When I started out, all I owned was one lousy

newspaper. And I built an empire out of hard work and being a bastard.

So I'm doing you a favour, kids.

When I check out, just leaving you this.

One lousy newspaper company?

No, just this actual newspaper.

Give me one more chance.

What do you say, Pinocchio? Shall we give the most shit of the two useless

another chance?

Yes, Jiminy, that's a great idea.

Oh, Rupert, you're almost as talented an actor as I am. Hard luck, bro.

He said you were a useless shit too.

He said you were the most shit. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Stop fighting. I'll

you both a job at Disney. Really?

Yeah, Disneyland Paris.

They can use a couple of dumbos.

Right, Chief, let's get you upstairs.

I've got a use for a pair of Minnie Mouse ears that Walt would not approve

In transport news... The Cabinet has approved plans for a third runway at

Heathrow. Boris Johnson says he will lie down in front of bulldozers to stop the

construction.

Wow, that's quite a high -risk strategy, Boris. Not sure that will stop

construction.

My name's Fiona. I was a top glamour model back in the day. Started my career

with Peter Stringfellow, God rest his soul.

But once I got too old for it, you know, hit the big 2 -3, I needed a new

challenge. So I started my agency, Dolly Bird Management for Dolly Birds.

And it's been very successful until now.

And you are absolutely sure?

Fair.

That's another one, girls!

The Birmingham Fridge and Freezer Show.

Yeah, apparently.

Having girls in swimsuits showing off the news they see is no longer

appropriate. Well, it's gone mad. First, they got rid of grid girls from Formula

One. Now we've lost the darts, we've lost the boxing, two of our five ready

salty peanut accounts.

And people say, well, why don't they just do something else? But some young

women are actually allergic to clothes. And they need to work, too.

So we have diversified.

We've got Chloe, lovely Chloe, working in a GP's waiting room.

Number seven, Dr.

Richards is ready to see you about your bowel infection.

Tanya and Lucy, they're doing a lovely job hosting at the Keithley Police

Station. And Zoe is the new star at the Aylesbury Morgue. Is this your husband?

No, I think the Dolly Bird Agency has a future.

What I say to the world is, whenever you need someone to bring a smile and a

bubbly personality, my ladies will be there.

If you try to touch them, I'll break your fingers.

Looking forward to the G7, dear? I mean, I know you're not, but it's polite to

ask. No, I am not looking forward to it.

Everyone is furious because of Trump's metal tariff, and I should be on the

side as the Europeans, but it's awkward because of that word.

Oh, Brexit.

Pound in the box.

I'm going to need all of your support while I'm there.

Oh, I'm not going.

Melania and I have decided to give it a miss.

Oh. You chat with Melania now?

I suppose that's her.

No.

It's Brigitte Macron.

I've set up a little WhatsApp group for us all.

Called it Leaders' Wives. Little joke.

Why is that a joke?

Well, it's not really.

Well, if you're not going to Canada, why do you have a case packed?

I always have one packed in case we have to leave Downing Street at short

notice. Why would we have to leave at short notice?

No reason?

It's impossible.

I have to keep close to Trump because we need a trade deal and keep close to the

EU because Trump won't stick to deals and David Davis keeps saying he's close

resigning over our deal with the EU.

Don't want to end up with that no -deal Brexit doomsday scenario.

Five pounds in the box, please.

I know what I should do.

I've got to stand up to Trump like the Prime Minister of global Britain that I

am. and I'll tell him that we all depend on a worldwide network of free trade.

And then he'll tweet something mean about me, and I'll ask him not to.

And then he'll tweet something really foul, and I'll ask him to at least spell

my name right. And then... Oh, maybe I won't go.

Think about the duty -free shoes.

What do you wear in Canada in June?

Well, the summer starts tomorrow and ends later tomorrow, so I'd say dress

autumn. And it'll be winter by the end of the week.

Oh, it's Brigitte.

To see you in Quebec, we're all going out for ice hockey and cheesy chips.

Do you know, I think maybe I will come after all. Oh, you will, will you?

What a comfort.

Well, I'm already packed, so that's handy.

The CEO of Qatar Airways has apologised for saying that only a man could do his

job.

What job is that?

Making sexist generalizations?

You're right.

Only a man could do that.

Oh, no, look.

I can do it, too.

Oleg, Masha, you are coming on a special trip to America.

Oh, M .G., we're going to Universal Studios.

We are not going to Universal Studios.

No, we are going on an important mission to Washington.

They've been hiding the Melania robot away. Even the president is starting to

become suspicious. Without it, Russia only has 129 other ways of influencing

America. Delivery for the president.

American baseball caps, they are very American.

Yes, I agree.

Thought she was running okay.

He's not here. He's playing golf. Golf.

She keeps malfunctioning since they gave her a job campaigning against

cyberbullying. But her husband is world's number one cyberbully. Exactly.

computer brain in the world could deal with such a contradiction.

That is why we have to fit her with this. A logic bypass chip.

How are you?

How are you? I've been through a little rough patch.

Deep in.

Fake news.

News. Hello, doctor.

Nice distracting, Goli. Anytime.

That is a rebooting noise.

Does it work?

We'll soon find out.

What are immigrants?

Bad people.

And what are you?

An immigrant.

And do you see a problem with that?

No. The logic bypass works.

America first.

My jewelry is made in China.

Good job, guys.

Where is... Donald, he looks so sexy in his tennis clothes.

No, he doesn't. He looks like old sack of donkey guts. I don't

want to make sex to you, donkey guts.

It's going to be a long night. Donkey guts.

Donkey guts.

Jerry, come on. Before I pill myself.

Rube, I told you, not right now. I'm busy.

Busy with what? What the hell's a carer's allowance?

Well, you can apply for money from the government if you take care of a senior

citizen. Why?

What senior citizen do you look after?

Oh, for Christ's sake, Jerry, we're billionaires. Why the hell are you

for that pittance?

Well, Mick always used to make me do it.

Unbelievable.

Put your pen down. I'm taking you for lunch at the finest eatery in town.

For real?

My own Big Mac or just one patty each?

Honestly, that man.

Okay,

everyone, welcome.

This support group is for people who are so woke that they are finding it

impossible to have any fun at all.

We have somebody new with us this week, so would you like to introduce yourself?

Hi, I'm Oscar.

I think, like a lot of you guys, for me, it started with the little things.

Signing an online petition, going into a march.

Well, I mean, before I knew it, I was writing to The Guardian about LGBT

representation in the Harry Potter books. Which is shocking, by the way.

right, Lily, we've all read your blog.

Don't worry, Oscar, you've come to the right place.

All of the young people in this room are ruining their lives by being overly

virtuous. That's actually a microaggression to say young people,

carries subconscious bias towards the elderly.

Actually, what you're doing is denying agency to the elderly, which is arguably

much worse. This is what I'm talking about. You see, it's a slippery slope.

One minute you're carrying a reusable water bottle.

Fine, and the next minute you're arguing that water is racist.

Oh, my God, is water racist?

No, no, it's just an example.

Right, how did you guys get on with the homework that I set you?

Guys isn't an especially inclusive term. Not now, Jamie. By homework, do you

mean having to watch that old people's sitcom?

It's called Friends, Lily, and you were supposed to watch it and enjoy it.

Well, I try, but I find it deeply problematic.

Why? Well, there's the homophobia, the transphobia, the fattism and the slut

-shaming, and could Chandler be any more annoying?

You can't go through your 20s worrying about every aspect of everything. You

have to pick your battles. And just remember that it doesn't really matter,

because by the time you hit your 30s, most of you are going to be massively

right -wing anyway.

Have any of you started to think that maybe poor people don't deserve

No. Well, watch out for that one, because that's how it starts.

Look, I understand this has all been a bit much for some of you, so let's take

five and have a hobnob. I find the word hobnob very phallocentric.

Fuck off, Jamie.

Any watch showing?

Not on my watch.

Berger, have your fingers. All these poor actresses earning less than their

co -stars.

I mean, come on, people.

It's 2018.

Disgusting is what it is.

These poor women living in the shadow of this male -led system in which they are

horribly outnumbered and over... Birgit. What if all the male world leaders are

earning big bucks and I am making half of what they do?

What if I am Michelle Williams and they are a big bunch of Mark Wahlbergs? That

would be so ridiculous.

You are not Michelle Williams.

Although, although, you do look like sisters.

But there's no way the great PM is any more than you.

Oh, I didn't mean the great one.

He probably makes less than you do.

No, but what about the Putins and the Trudeaus and the Macrons?

Yeah, but that is not a fair comparison.

Trudeau and Macron make a fortune from calendars alone.

And Putin, they're chipped in on that horse. There's an awful lot for a

with no gaze.

Maybe I'll just call Treasurer.

Ask her what she gets.

Yeah, but she gets paid in British pounds, so whatever it is, it won't work

as very much anymore.

Yeah, that's true.

Maybe I'll just Google it. There must be some kind of graph or chart or... Whoa!

Well, that puts my mind at ease.

So you're doing okay.

Well, let's just say you can reorder the buns and biscuits with the chocolate

layer on top.

Ooh, and some touchy originals.

Oh, I'm not doing that well.

International news, and it has been confirmed that Donald Trump and Kim Jong

are to meet on Sentosa Island, half a kilometre off the coast of Singapore.

Hey, do you think they could get them to meet another half a kilometre off that?

You know, in the sea.

That might be a better way to achieve world peace.

Hello, I'm Kirsty Alsop, and I'm off to... Calm down, kids. It's a real treat

travel in the boot.

And I'm off to help relocate some people whose central London property is

getting a bit long in the tooth.

Recently, chunks of masonry have been falling off it.

Geoffrey, Sarah and their friend Black Rod... Black Rod!

..have to relocate to suitable temporary accommodation.

What's the most important thing to you?

Well, benches for all the parties are essential, along with division doors and

fully subsidised bar within the property.

The bar is crucial.

Are you willing to take on any work?

Oh, crikey, no.

Oh, you mean on the property?

No. Well, we're used to having no heating and a rodent problem, so we're

fussy. But we do need a bar.

Yes, yes, you already mentioned that.

All right, well, let's get going then, shall we?

Now, I know you said you weren't willing to take on any work, but I wasn't

listening. So what you could do is knock through here.

Clearly opening up the space.

And then you can place the political parties on either side of the aisle,

upholster the pews in green, and you can even put in a fence for the Lib Dems to

sit on.

Black broad!

Nice! Dirty!

It's a Catholic church.

The DUP would go bonkers.

And we can't have a bar.

Let's move on then, shall we?

Right. Due to Brexit...

A lot of the residents in this area will soon be leaving. JP Morgan, HSBC,

Morgan Stanley.

So, what are you thinking?

Dodgy neighbourhood.

Lots of bankers.

Well, I'm not sure about this.

The other option is that you could be relocated to Birmingham.

Actually, I think this is great.

Yeah, this should be fine. Black Ross!

Phil,

these people are awful.

Next week.

I'll be helping a couple who are considering moving out of the Heathrow

before their house gets bulldozed. Let me out!

One more thump from you and we're not stopping at a little shack!

So, anyway, thank you for agreeing to meet me, Mr Eastmore. Oh, you're

welcome. I represent a patriotic pressure group based in the Cayman

interesting. I find it so useful to engage with ordinary members of the

Common hedge fund manager in the street.

Let me tell you, then, that my vision for Brexit is to create a Britain that

truly self -reliant. Nanny? Sorry, Mr. Raismog, I was just pulling the

headlights on the daimler. Free from the tyranny of Brussels, we will finally

have the opportunity to do things for ourselves.

Hmm. And do you trust our current Prime Minister to deliver?

Oh, I have a great deal of respect for Mrs May. What are you talking about? You

can't stand her. About as much use as a Latin dictionary in a state school is

what you always say.

The PM and I have our differences, but we are both sensible, grown -up

politicians.

Broccoli, yuck.

You've got to have your greens, Mr Rees -Mogg.

Do the noise.

Well, have you thought about running for leadership?

Well, the idea is utterly fanciful. It's not something I've considered for a

single moment.

You little fibber. You never talk about anything else.

But, Nanny... You had all those business cards made up. Jacob Rees -Mogg, Prime

Minister. Nanny, please.

He's always wanted to be Prime Minister as Mr Rees -Mogg. When he was 13, he

made me dress his action man up as Harold Macmillan. Nanny, really, will

cease these interjections? I can manage perfectly well without your inter...

Thank you, Nanny.

It was making me rather irritable. You're just overtired. It's very near

time. Quite right.

Will you excuse me?

No! How intensely embarrassing.

Then you've forgotten to put any trousers on me. You must be mortified.

Don't worry, I always carry a spare pair.

Now let's pop to the loo. Hope they've got a changing mat.

Check out his chaotic sketch show, the Andy Field Experience podcast on BBC

iPlayer Radio.

And hear her tomorrow at 10 on BBC2. Comedian Rachel Parris raised the

for a girl's guide to TV.