Original subtitles

Hello, Philip.

I'll be a moment, dear. Just deleting some porn.

What? It's a joke. One of my joke thingies. Remember, I made one once

Oh, yes.

So, how was your cross -party sleaze meeting?

Me, Jeremy Corbyn and Vince Cable in a room together. What do you think?

Didn't go well, then? No, on the contrary. We made serious progress. If

just get the whole of Westminster to be as utterly devoid of sexual tension as

that room, job done.

This news just in. The markets don't like uncertainty.

Oil pipeline in the pipeline.

You let me declare.

Off the record.

And the answer is, we're out.

Right, three minutes to studio, Mrs O. Anything I can do for you? A tea, a

coffee, go over the new rules again?

I think I've got them now, darling. So half the singers sing on the Saturday

half on the Sunday, and then there's a sing -off between the worst two singers.

The best.

Ah, no, that's right. The best singers go head -to -head to see who gets kicked

off. No, to see who wins.

Yes, to see who wins the show.

No, who wins the prize.

Oh, that's right. Yes, there's a prize now, so no -one loses.

Er, no, more people do lose.

I thought more people won.

Well, yes, but more people win less, so we lose more losers while seeing more

winners. Oh, oh!

For the love of God!

Who came up with these rules?

Simon did, after he fell down the stairs and hit his head. Well, can someone

just explain them to me in words I can understand?

Shannon, it's easy.

You go round and round and round and round, and the people come up, you go...

..judges houses in, and they're all...

Well,

it's simple when you put it like that.

Can you get that written onto a card for me? Thanks, Deepak.

Burgess, what a day.

I'm so tired of all this sit -in -coffin and German politics. Why can't we not

just form a coalition?

Ah, you will do it, my Chancellorette.

After all, who just tops the Forbes list of 100 most powerful women?

Me, Angela Merkel.

You don't look very happy about it.

Aren't you hitting the hoorays?

I won last year.

I've been there, done that.

What's the letter, Hosen?

But so many great women are below you.

Beyoncé is only number 50. That was before they announced the cast of the

King remake.

By now, she'd be a solid 35.

Don't you even a tiny bit happy?

Nein, because the fourth 100 is easy.

There's my name on the list of 100 hottest women.

Can't they see that I am sexy as well as powerful?

Like Wonder Woman.

Maybe you're looking into the wrong place.

Do you think that this outfit is beige enough, Birgit? Do you think we should

beige it up some more?

Ah, look here, my chancellorette. A lad bible pole of celebrity crushes. You are

number 28?

Oh, let me see.

Unlikely crushes.

This is an outrage.

Listen, you are a powerful woman made important things to do. Forget this

There are fresh concerns about the Kremlin interfering in Catalonia.

You should write a strong and lengthy statement.

Great. Could that be the answer?

Has the Kremlin been interfering with the FHM sexiest women poll?

Yeah, yeah. They are trying to undermine the best by lying about your total

hotness. Oh, what a relief.

I feel so much better. Let me see this most powerful list again.

Oh, look, Theresa May is number two.

Send her a memo.

Just write, better luck next year, bitch.

You see, I'm throwing the shade on her.

Like Wonder Woman.

Have you actually seen that film? Nein, I don't have Netflix.

Oh, hello.

There goes another one.

Following unauthorised contact with Israeli officials, International

Secretary Priti Patel resigned in a meeting with the PM on Wednesday.

Well, we think it was Wednesday that she met the PM. She probably met her on

Monday and Tuesday as well, but didn't bother telling anyone.

Defence secretary?

Where?

Oh, right, that's me, isn't it? Sorry, new to the job.

Major General Edward.

Where?

Oh, right, is that you? Sorry, I wasn't expecting a... Yeah.

Gavin Williamson.

And this is the army, then?

It is. Right.

So where do you keep the boats?

No, that's the navy.

The navy, right, yeah.

Boats equals navy.

Sorry, I'm still slightly playing catch -up with the details.

Wasn't really expecting to suddenly become Defence Secretary.

This time last week I was in the Chief Whip's office, you know, to do my pet

spider. Oh, sorry.

Cronus, this is Major General Edward. Major General Edward, this is Cronus.

Yeah, so last week I was just weird spider guy and now I'm in charge of the

might of Her Majesty's Armed Forces. It's insane, eh?

Utterly. Anyway, the upshot is I suddenly had to swat up on the Army and

And Air Force. Air Force as well. Right, OK, well, I'm learning already. I'll

have a hang of this in no time.

Right, should I go and address the troops?

If you'd like. I'm sure they'll be delighted to hear from a man of such

experience. They're this way. Right, you are.

That's a Cub Scout salute.

Right, what is the proper salute?

It's Army, Navy, Air Force.

Ah.

Oh, so my next -door neighbour thinks I'm in the Air Force.

Well, I'm glad I asked.

I can't tell you how helpful this has been.

It's been my absolute pleasure.

Now, are there any other questions?

Yes. Can Cronus be your new regimental mascot?

No. OK. Can I have a gun? No. Fair enough. Right, then. Ready? Absolutely.

Don't worry. They may look like train killers.

But... There's no but.

Oh, right.

Well, here we go.

Oh, and there's a medal to give out this morning, so make your way to the front

and ask to see Private Park.

I want to see private part. Right, got it.

Waiter!

Hello, sexy bar, Miss Camilla. Can you see me?

Well, hold it a bit lower. I can only see your bald spot.

Ah, that's better.

What do you mean, bad news?

Don't worry, I've sorted it. I took all your investment paperwork down to the

hunt kennel. Hounds have shredded the ballet lot. What other things?

Not another bloody Diana tape.

Last year they found an unseen clip where she sneezed and they built a 90

-minute documentary around it.

What then?

Royal variety performance no ballet away.

We went last year.

It's someone else's turn.

Does Edward still exist?

What about Kate and William?

I bet they've said she's still puking.

I mean, I've opened fates with chronic thrush and a three -bottle hangover. You

just have to get on with it.

Hang on.

About bloody time.

We've had reports that you're driving erratically.

Well, of course I'm driving erratically. I'm FaceTiming, hubby. I've got a

sleeping dog in the footwell, and I'm trying to get through this traffic in

to watch Homes Under the Hammer.

Police escort?

I should think so, too.

New from MP Games, the game for women in Parliament of all ages.

It's Guess Who's Next.

Test your deductive skills as you try to work out which of your colleagues will

be disgraced next.

Is it a white middle -class man?

Yes. It's fun for all the family.

Except for unaccompanied women. Does he have a wife?

Yeah.

Does he care? No.

Is it?

No, but I can see why you'd think that.

Is it?

Yes, yes it is.

Yeah, that's pretty much what I'd heard.

Guess who's next? The game you can keep playing until the culture changes.

Hi. Karen?

You must be James.

Welcome to HMRC. You don't have to be mad to work here. But it helps.

Why would it help?

No, it's a good point.

All right, first things first.

You need to get rid of that.

Sorry. No, your phone.

What? It's Apple, isn't it? And since we investigate corporate giants who play

the system to avoid paying any meaningful tax in the UK, we can't

to use their products, can we? So, don't worry.

Can you make any calls and use mine?

But the nine's missing, so try not to start any fires.

Right. Where did you get the coffee from?

Starbucks. We don't see many of their bucks coming our way, do we, Finn?

Headphones?

Amazon.

Now, what about this suit? Looks like Gap to me. Well, yeah, but I got it off

eBay. eBay?

Hope you're not a fan of Bono or anything.

James, where did you get the underpants?

M &S.

Thank God for that. You can keep them on.

Formula One world champion Lewis Hamilton has been accused of avoiding

his £16 million private jet, despite his lawyer deeming the transaction to be

lawful.

Honestly, you'd set up a company in the Isle of Man to lease your plane to a

firm in Farnborough who rent the same plane back to you via your other company

in Guernsey, and people try to make out there's something dodgy going on.

The time is... Ooh, I can have the other half of that Twix.

Here we go.

See? You look relaxed and natural there.

Philip, that's a Madame Tussauds waxwork.

The real me would never be standing next to Boris and smiling.

Could be worse. They could have put you next to Trump.

Oh, Philip, it's not funny.

I have to Skype him now and discuss the arrangements.

Has anyone actually told Trump that his royal visit's no longer royal? Well,

I'll add it to my list of things I need to speak firmly to him about.

Now, which button? This. This one.

No, no, he's not there. Never mind. I'll try next month.

Hello.

How are you, Mr. President? I'm in another country. It's called Asia.

It's really exotic and different.

What have you been doing?

Playing golf and eating hamburgers. Can I have those on my royal visit to

England land?

Actually, your trip's been adjusted to a working visit.

But I still get to ride in a gold carriage, right?

And I want to meet Duchess Kate.

But not if she's still carrying baby fat. I have high standards. The highest.

Donald, there's some things I really need to speak to you about.

First, I have a question. And it's a very normal question.

Are you wearing a wire?

No, I'm not wearing a wire. Good.

Although I got nothing to worry about.

Papadopoulos was very low level. I hardly knew Manafort. Didn't even

was my campaign manager.

Or long -term friend.

I see.

All these people are low -level. Take a look.

She's a low -level volunteer daughter from an old wife I fired before the

campaign. A campaign I did not know much about. I left that all to the Russians.

Look, I have some things to say to you, and I intend to say them.

When you come here, I insist you don't grab anyone by the you -know -what.

Link moped crime to Islamic terrorism or threaten nuclear wars that may or may

not incinerate the northern hemisphere.

There, I've said it. And we can tell the press that I stood up to you and that

I'm strong, which I am.

I hope I didn't go too far. Did I go too far?

Please, can we still have a trade deal?

What was that?

I wasn't listening.

I was doing a tweet about how we should kill all of America's judges.

Even the ones from America's got talent.

Right.

Well, it's always good to talk to you. Teresa, it's always good to be on Fox

News. I'm not Fox News.

I'm the British Prime Minister, remember?

So that's why you're not hot?

Okay, what button kills the call?

Is it this one?

Someone get me up.

Alexis, what's the weather like today?

Back in my day, we didn't have all this technology, and we seemed to get along

just fine.

Introducing the all -new Alexis Senior Edition.

Alexis, what's playing at the local cinema?

Oh, you don't want to go out? That Mrs. Brown's on tonight. Do you know she's

actually a man in a dress?

If you're missing having that elderly parent around, then the Alexis Senior is

perfect for you.

Alexis, call Trevor.

Is that your new fancy man? If I'd had more than one fella in my life, I'd have

been called a slapper. But I suppose times change.

Alexis, call Trevor.

Oh, that reminds me. You'll never guess who else has got cancer.

The new Alexis Senior edition.

Alexis, book a taxi in five minutes.

Oh, I don't know. Everyone's in such a hurry nowadays.

Now, 50 % more reactionary.

Alexis, dim light.

And shall I also put the temperature up? I expect it's usually hotter than this,

where he comes from.

Really? I'm sorry about her. She won't be around much longer. Typical. And she

promised she'd never put me in a home.

Excuse me, I'm Dr Michael Townsend, British Heritage. I'm Lady Yaxley, Chair

the Public Statues Review Commission. Very, very nice to meet you. What

is going on here? Well, quite simply, we're going to blow up Nelson's Column.

What? No doubt you've heard about all the hoo -ha in America with the

Confederate statues and the Cecil Rhodes in Oxford.

Well, the government is super keen to avoid offending anyone right now, so

they've asked me to have a gander at all the statues in Britain and work out

which one is going to cause the next big stink.

But Nelson's collar?

Because of the Admiral's links to the slave trade.

That's just political posturing, surely.

Nevertheless, we think it's best to err on the safe side and blow it up. You

can't do that. He was a great naval tactician, died a hero's death.

I mean, he was also a strong supporter of the slave trade. But then this statue

doesn't celebrate his support of the slave trade. Though it could be seen as

condoning it, so... It's a very complicated question. Exactly.

And what very complicated questions need are very simple answers.

I think we dodged a bullet there.

On we go!

This is Simone Fredericks, and I've been awake so long I can't drive myself

home.

Prince Harry's girlfriend, Meghan Markle, is set to move to London,

speculation that the couple had become engaged.

Click here for Meghan's diet and beauty tip.

Ah, somebody has just copied and pasted BuzzFeed onto the autocue there. Can we

stop doing that?

Nicole!

Why are we meeting here? It's proper bracing. Almost too bracing.

There's no such thing as too bracing, wee Mary.

I've brought you here because I'm going to take you on a little sea voyage.

I want to show you something important.

Do you know who the bane of my life is, wee Mary?

Jimmy Cranky?

Because people keep saying you look like her. No, you daft obber.

Today's a May.

Not only did she put the kibosh on Andy there too.

But that's to her hopeless Brexit shenanigans.

Scotland's being pulled out of Europe, whether we like it or not.

And we do not!

Oh, but don't worry.

I'm going to cut a few backdoor deals with our European neighbours so Scotland

is protected when the Brexit hits the fan.

Our European neighbours?

I have a crack team beavering away in a top -secret offshore location.

Is it the Oritnes?

Yes.

Yeah, it's the earth, mate.

It's just such a beautiful holiday destination.

Why do people say that?

What can you actually do there?

There's loads to do there.

Like what?

Walking, hiking, strolling, wandering, roaming.

Aye, the roaming's dead good.

This wee wee married.

Behold, the Scottish partisan operations room for European negotiations.

Sporing. That looks just like a call centre.

It's a call centre.

Then why does it have to be so far away?

Well, we've got to stay under Theresa May's radar, because what we're doing

might not be strictly constitutional.

Hello, this is Morag calling from the ancient country of Scotland. I

you've been involved in a Brexit that wasn't your fault.

I wonder if I can interest you in a political alliance at all.

Hello, is that a Dutch cabinet office?

I'm calling from the SNP on behalf of Nicola Sturgeon, the First Minister of

Scotland.

It's part of the UK.

A bit above England.

No, no, no, we want to stay with you.

Nicola, I think I've got your lead.

Brilliant. It's the cultural minister of Slovenia.

He said he'd consider a meeting if he can get him tickets to the next Biffy

Clyde tour.

He said, I think that's what he said. He's quite hard to understand.

Aye, well, give me the phone then. Hello, it's Nicola Sturgeon from the

We're a pro -European constitutional organisation.

Hello? Hello?

Ah, I'm speaking English.

Aye. Hello?

Hello?

Ah, it's hung up.

Why, now, couldn't he understand me?

Do you think it could be anything to do with you saying Scotland wants to be an

independent country with a proud nationalist agenda?

while simultaneously denying the primacy of national borders by claiming he

wants to be an enthusiastic part of the European Union.

Shut it, Wayne Murray, and go for a long roam.

Have you recently been outed as a sex pest?

Would you like to pretend your disgusting behavior is the result of an

rather than you just being a total shit? Then why not check into the Some Sort

of Therapy Center?

The Some Sort of Therapy Center is Europe's leading facility for everyone

shamed Hollywood producers to shamed Hollywood actor producers.

Our team of presumably therapists is here to help you tell the world it's

I'm dealing with this myself.

No need for the police.

It's the perfect place to relax, unwind, and avoid facing the consequences of

your actions.

Our range of treatments include counseling or something like that,

probably, and generally keeping a low profile till the heat's off.

But don't take my word for it. Here's just one of our self -satisfied

Before I came here, everyone was calling me a sex criminal, which...

Seemed wrong to me somehow.

But the some sort of therapy center made me realize that I'm actually a sex

addict, which means I bear no responsibility for all the horrible

done. So come to the some sort of therapy center and take the first step

new you who's exactly the same as the old you, but hopefully not facing

Telling adoring crowds that I intend to build a fairer Britain.

A Britain where the nation's resources are not hoarded by the elite, but shared

equally in a spirit of democracy and justice.

Oh, Jeremy Corbyn.

I wouldn't want that.

Let's just get on with it, shall we? I've got all the... I've had an email

so -and -sos here. Shall we just go through them? Yeah, any luck?

OK, there's one here about Boris Johnson's gap regarding that woman in

Oh, that sounds good.

Except the email is from Peter from Peterborough.

I don't know, maybe it sounds a bit silly.

I mean, Peter's OK and Peterborough's OK, but I've had an email from Peter

Peterborough. Yeah, it's a bit Peter -heavy. Yeah.

There's one here from Sheila from Doncaster. Yeah, that sounds perfect.

question is, what is the Prime Minister's favourite mollusk? Well,

take Peter's question and say it's from Sheila.

Violate the sanctity of the I've had an email from so -and -so's. Well...

I wonder if I haven't outgrown the whole I've had an email from so -and -so

thing, John. Let me remind you, Jeremy, that the so -and -sos are the ordinary,

decent, working people of this country. Or have you outgrown them?

The workers?

The workers.

No, it's not that. It's just that people aren't really interested in folksy

emails from Sheila and Doncaster.

They want to hear from Jeremy in Islington. My unlikely fame is currently

best bet for building...

A fairer Britain, a Britain in which a person's prospects are determined not by

where they come from or who their parents are, but by their own talent and

work. I'll put a sock in it, Corbyn.

Hey, get off me.

Well,

I don't condone that, do you? No, there's absolutely no place for that

behaviour.

So what are you going to ask at PMQs tomorrow?

Perhaps I should just wing it.

Whatever I say these days seems to be right.

OK, that's it.

If you care so little about the working population of this country that you'd

rather blurt out random thoughts instead of airing their justifiable grievances,

then on your head be it.

Do you want any Swiss chard? No, thank you!

We've got a bit of a problem.

Bob said that we can't put Brexit on the front page every day. We have done for

the last year.

I know, and people are getting a teensy bit bored.

We need to get other headlines.

Now, the World Cup is coming up.

And what are we looking at here?

Is it a warehouse staff from DFS Basingstown? No.

It's the England football team.

Really? Yeah. Rooney has retired from the England squad, so the last tabloid

-selling player has officially left the pitch. And we're left with this lot.

I mean, who even are they? I think that one's Dyer. Yeah, they're all bloody

Dyer. People used to care about England. The nation laughed.

When Lineker shat his pants, they cried.

When Beckham got sent off, they smiled.

When Gather made jokes about his crippling alcoholism. Them's were the

Yeah, and now... This lot has qualified for the World Cup and no -one's even

noticed.

It's like the only people that care about football anymore are people who

actually like football.

Ludicrous. We have got to save the England team.

We've got to get them back on the front pages.

Yeah, but how do we do that now phone hacking's off the agenda?

Well, we'll have to go old school. Make stuff up.

Puns sell papers.

Exactly. This, apparently, is Joe Hart.

He's happily married.

Or is he?

Yeah, he is, yeah.

I know.

But you track down a snap of him looking a bit saucy at someone, bit of tabloid

magic, and bingo, he's Joe Heartbreaker.

Everybody loves a cat on over.

This is Harry Kane.

Harry Kane's it!

I'll go and stick 50 empty cider bottles in his bin.

Yeah, suddenly the tribal genius. You see, I'm interested already.

Danny, drink water.

Danny, no cocaine!

And we're back in the game.

The Paradise Papers have revealed that about ten million pounds of the Queen's

own money was invested in an offshore tax haven.

What are you doing, Mum? Surely it's all your own money. Her Majesty's revenue

and customs.

You're only hurting yourself.

Seriously? Eros?

Otherwise known as the Angel of Christian Charity?

Oh, to look at it another way, it depicts a semi -naked figure rampaging

Piccadilly Circus, shooting people with a bow and arrow.

Right.

What's next?

Paddington Bears, that show.

Paddington Bears?

Illegal immigrants.

Hello and welcome to the review show here on BBC4. Too smart for BBC1, too

for BBC2.

Tonight I'm joined by not one woman, but two.

Partly because there was a booking error, but also because we're discussing

new season of female -led TV drama. Let's take a look, shall we?

New to the BBC, a season of those dramas about powerful women.

Judge Jane Jones is a no -nonsense lawmaker at the top of her game.

Objection, Your Honour.

Overruled. And believe me, I know when to overrule. I am damn good at my job.

Mummy, you said you'd be home today. You said you'd take us to the park.

I would love to, but I'm too busy judging.

And because this is drama, she's bound to snap.

Hello, Jane. I hear your ex -husband took the children away.

I'm not surprised as you have a successful career, so you can't have a

well.

Jane Hart is a no -nonsense surgeon at the top of her game.

I know I can save him, damn it. I'm the best surgeon in the country, maybe even

the world.

Hello, David. I really need to have self -destructive sex with someone in a way

that will bring about my downfall. And since she's powerful, she's bound to

snap. The young man you had sex with has told everybody at the hospital.

If you will have sex with me, especially at your age.

Jane Strong is a no -nonsense architect at the top of her game.

I don't want to hear your excuses.

Just get it done.

Hi, I'm your new colleague, Claire Foundation.

I'm also no -nonsense and at the top of my game. I hear you've both gone for the

same promotion. One or both of you is bound to snap.

So, Carol, if I can come to you first, isn't it great to finally see so many

female characters at the top of their game?

Well, it would be if they didn't portray all -powerful women as inevitably

psychotic. These shows suggest any woman with a half -decent job is destined to

self -destruct. It's ridiculous.

OK, Kelly, I imagine you'd like to disagree because that is why we have two

you. No, I agree with Carol.

What? Women with successful careers are written like it's some kind of character

flaw. I find that quite offensive.

But you're both no -nonsense television reviewers at the top of your game. Are

you not going to violently disagree and then commit some sort of impulsive act

that ultimately leads to your downfall?

I think you've been watching a bit too much Telly Martin.

What if I told you we only had space for one of you on next week's show?

Wouldn't matter.

In real life, professional women... Well, that bit's out of the way.

Would you like to have an affair?

I thought you'd never ask.

Join Alexis Sale in his imaginary sandwich bar for stand -up and

the BBC Radio 4 website now.

Back here tonight, and love is in the air on The Graham Norton Show. At least,

think it is.

Translation, please.