Original subtitles

This week in a very special edition of Gogglebox, we head to Islington and the

home of Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn. Now what's this show called?

Tracy Breaks the News.

Who's that old bloke meant to be?

This news just in. The markets don't like uncertainty.

Oil pipeline in the pipeline.

Let me declare.

Off the record.

How do I put this? And the answer is, we're out.

She wants to be liked, she wants to be liked, she wants to walk the mile in

shoe.

Every day a new sensation, have to break it to the nation, take it, gonna break

the news.

She wants to save it, she wants to save it, she really hopes that nobody sees.

Every day a new sensation, take it to the witty nation, she's gonna break it,

I'll break the news.

What kind of an... Oh, what's that, dear? Apparently I've got to organise

Conservative Christmas party.

Christmas will be here before I know it and we're not at all prepared.

It's like Brexit with tinsel. I have to keep the entire party happy. They've

worked jolly hard.

And also because losing just one MP could bring down my government at any

Well, there's that, yes.

But it has to be safe for all guests.

None of this sex -pest stuff.

Philip, I am absolutely determined to tackle this issue all of a sudden.

Right you are, Teflon Tess. So the invitations were not inviting any MPs

the nicknames containing the words Octopus, Wandering, Touchy, Michael

Bastard. Sounds wise. We'll need some alcohol.

Perhaps some English sparkling wine? Oh, good.

That'll stop people drinking too much. And what about dancing?

Well, nothing that involves any physical contact, so not the locomotive and

nobody sprawling on the floor to oops upside one's head.

Well, Boris won't be happy, so that's one plus.

What about that one where you don't touch and you do the arms and you jump

the spot?

The macaroon.

Macarena. It's a bit European. Well, that's out too, then.

What? That's Michael Gove on the Westminster WhatsApp group making a joke

in no way funny at all, actually. Well, tell him to stop it.

And why aren't I on that group?

Just because I don't have WhatsApp and I don't know what on earth it is doesn't

mean to say I shouldn't be included.

No, dear.

Oh, Amber Rudd said we should do Secret Santa.

Can't see a problem with that, as long as you tell everyone not to buy certain

toys.

Why do people need toys?

We're all grown -ups.

No, well, I mean the...

Things you get from adult shops.

What, like Marks and Spencers?

Never mind.

So we've got a Christmas party with no touching, no dancing, hardly any

and a general sense of fear and recrimination.

I'm worried it will still be too upbeat for the DUP.

So there's a group of strangers stranded on a train for days on end, and

everyone has a motive to commit murder.

We're very proud of it, because it's the first ever film based on the Southern

Rail franchise.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What? You know we have loads of fake social media accounts in the West?

Yes. Well, the social media companies are shutting them down.

But why? For being fake.

I suppose that's false.

They've closed thousands.

Even Brexit Chelsea fan has gone.

He was my favorite with his cute bulldog avatar and his rape thread.

But we must keep turning the West against itself, or Mr. Vladimir gets

And if Mr. Vladimir gets sad, I get sad.

And people go missing.

There must be other ways to undermine politics in the UK.

Before Jacob Rees -Mogg become prime minister and finish job for us.

Okay, let's both spit.

Take over newspaper?

Damn it.

Disseminate fake videos on Facebook?

Oh, what's that sound? It's me snoring from the boredom emotion.

I want new ways to undermine democracy.

Recipe books.

Who needs recipe book? Vodka dumpling.

Put vodka on dumpling. Only recipe anyone ever needs. But average British

gets given eight recipe books every Christmas.

Yes.

Infiltrate the publishers.

Buy up every princess. Those recipes will be adjusted.

That smells lovely.

The new Nigella.

Why does it say NATO is shit?

I don't know. Maybe because it is.

You're watching The News with me, Simone Fredericks. Further allegations of

sexual misconduct have emerged relating to, you know...

I kicked the supervisor in the balls in 2008 instead of accepting his advances.

Perhaps that's why I've been on this night shift for the past nine years.

The time is only 20 minutes since I last looked.

Feels like longer.

Back in Islington, Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell are watching new music

Sounds Like Friday Night.

Met him. Know her.

He's a fan.

Is that so?

Yeah. Reminds me of Glastonbury.

Shall I put my speech on again?

Actually, can we take a break?

I'm starving.

Tofu puff?

Lovely.

Actually, I'm OK.

Going rather well, don't you think?

That bit where I had to explain to you who Noel Fielding was.

It's classic Gogglebox. I'm not sure this is a good idea, Jeremy.

We're meant to be firebrand socialist revolutionaries. All this TV fluff, this

isn't us, is it? Political leaders these days have to come across as normal

people and inviting TV cameras into my crib ticks that box nicely, John.

But aren't we wasting time talking about how Noel Fielding is no Sue Perkins

when we should be focusing on the real enemy?

What, Paul Hollywood? No, the Tories, the bloody Tories.

All right, comrade.

Let's just take it all down a notch, shall we?

The workers. The workers.

Just worry about all this showbiz stuff you're doing. You never want to talk

about deselecting people anymore.

My job is to spread the gospel of international neo -Marxist anti

That's why I appear on Loose Women.

The fact that I also have such a great chemistry with Stacey Solomon is neither

here nor there.

Oh, pull the other one. You love being on TV.

You've got this whole new image you've crafted for yourself with the beard and

the clothes.

I've had the exact same clothes for the last 30 years.

But these days you actually wear them, whereas before they were just sort of on

you.

We need to get back in there.

Listen, John, I'm still the same old Jeremy, champion of ordinary working

people. I mean, just look at this programme, you know, and the way it

the neoliberal consumerist model and its failure to provide workers with a

decent income, instead forcing them to find demeaning ways to earn a few extra

quid.

It's only bargain hunt.

I'm using bookshelf beige on your cheeks, my Chancellor.

It goes with your eyes.

Remind me again who this meeting is with today. I quite forgot.

Oh, the other one. It's got Alpine bells on. All right, I know it is Emmanuel

Macron, but it is not as if I have been counting the days in my note. I know

what you're like when you're around him.

Don't be taken in by his saucy, gallic charm.

Oh, Burgess, I know the difference between real politic and what a lady

thinks about in the bath.

Don't worry, I will be 200 % professional.

Emmanuel. Angela, may I? Yes.

Please.

Are you wearing bookshelf beige?

Oh, you noticed.

Now, on the agenda, we must talk about the Brexit fallout.

Let's start with finance.

We want London city jobs to move to Paris.

Ah, Paris.

Then you should have them, naturally.

Moving on to the British tech sector.

We want those jobs in Germany.

Naturally, but if someone were to say that France could have those tech jobs,

then that person would be the most generous, as well as the most...

attractive leader the world has known.

You know what?

I think that is good, yeah.

Yeah, the fans should have the tech, the flourishing tech.

My chance, Loretta. I need you for a moment.

I'm busy.

There's a sudden crisis in the Bradford industry.

What?

There's a problem with track three on the new Kraftwerk album.

Oh.

Your lipstick is smudged, too. Oh, how could you let that happen?

There is no smudge. But you're letting Malcolm run in the circles around you.

No, I'm just throwing him some trinkets, and then I will start the demands.

Hard demands.

You are the sex bomb, not him.

You have the power.

You're right.

Oh, that's what I think.

You must... Think me a fool.

I'm not taken in by your manly wailing. Now, we want 70 % of the bank jobs and

we want 80 % of the tech jobs.

So, it's to be like this. Yes.

I thought we had something special.

Men.

How could I think that I could best you?

Your intellect is matched only by your sensuality.

I will reflect on how foolish I have been to underestimate such an

woman. As I walk the grounds of this conference center alone tonight, naked

the waist up, oiled, beads of perspiration dripping from every

part of my torso.

You're going to have to jump.

Okay, we are done. Back to Paris.

Oh, Scheisse.

Sorry. Just having a Pop -Tart.

Donald Trump's former presidential campaign manager, Paul Manafort, has

charged with a dozen serious offences related to hiding foreign payments.

And Donald Trump has just done a series of angry tweets.

I imagine. I don't know.

But it's a fair guess.

Great news. The hospital Airbnb idea we trialled in Southend has been, and I

quote, not immediately rejected by a health minister. And not quite saying no

the new saying yes.

Bombing the press? I thought it was dead in the water.

Apparently not.

So come on, what's next?

We could expand on the Airbnb thing. The prison service is really stretched,

isn't it? So ask the public to take the strain. Say £50 a night for using their

spare room to house a convict.

House a slasher, earn some casher. Well, maybe something a bit friendlier, like

a gale's jail, so it doesn't sound so much like you might get murdered.

And we could offer training on how to restrain a violent criminal. I prefer

term service users.

Yeah, that's better. I love it.

But are people even getting arrested anymore? Because the police service has

been cut to ribbon.

Well, funny you should say that, because we've actually been working on an act.

Arrest -a -roo. So you open it at the moment of assault and you swipe left if

you were being stabbed or swipe right if you were getting mugged. You will use

your GPS to find your nearest self -styled vigilante.

I prefer the term arrest -a -roo enforcer. Yeah, that's better.

And you can even enter how bad your wounds are so that it'll only send you

who can get to you before you bleed out. Fantastic.

Anything else?

Archie. Why wait for so -called firefighters?

When?

A Blaze can connect you with bucket owners in your local area.

And you don't have to do anything.

Because a Blaze uses your phone's inbuilt sensors to detect the heat from

fire as quickly as... It's melting.

Ow.

Well, it's better on Android.

Well, it's not awful.

Which is the same as being brilliant.

We're on fire.

Yeah, we are.

No, we're on fire.

Er, go call 999. No need.

A Blaze has got this.

Right, has anyone got 4G?

She's gonna faking well break the news.

Giddy up, silly.

Over the fence. Bop.

Over the log jump.

Ah! And she makes it over the fence. She's never with the gym car now.

Ah!

Camilla here.

Hello, sexy bum.

No, not home for fairly ages.

Now Philip's retired and Kate's knocked off again, I seem to be taking up all

the slack.

I know, not an hour goes by when I'm not opening a tiny pair of velvet curtains

or shaking hands with a snotty toddler.

Look, I must go. I've got to canter to the chemist for mops and pops.

Hello. Right. My father -in -law is always forgetting to take his pills. I

one of those little boxes marked with the days of the week.

Yes, of course. And I've arranged a 21 -gun salute to remind him when it's

Oh.

Hello? Yeah.

No, you've already had your banquet.

Don't you remember?

Twelve courses.

Yes, I'll be back soon.

No, I won't forget your sudoku.

Sudoku.

Sudoku!

He keeps his brain active, you know. Now, what else do I need?

Oh, yes. The mother -in -law keeps losing her crown.

Sometimes she says...

crown and i say it's on your head and other times you'll leave it somewhere

bonkers like the fridge or canada so have you got one of those strings so she

can keep it around her neck yes they come in red or blue you've got anything

more crown julie or Precious Jenny, then, Bert. I'm afraid not.

She should retire, too, but she won't hear of it, you know. She's showing her

age. She wanders into a part of the Commonwealth and says, what did I come

for? Do they live with you?

Oh, God, no. No, they live in one of those places where you just pull a cord

someone comes to help. A care home? A palace.

Right mustache.

I'm taking them to a daycare centre where they can meet other elderly

Oh, good God.

No peace for the wicked. It's the mother -in -law now.

Hello?

looked on your head?

On your head?

On your head!

Have you been groped at home or at work?

Preferably at work.

Have you been asked to massage someone in order to get a job? Or maybe to buy

some sex toys for another man's wife?

Then we're here to help. The deadline for reporting sexual harassment is fast

approaching as newspapers are already losing interest.

You too could be due a half -arsed apology.

But don't take my word for it.

When I was felt up by an employer in 2009, I was scared that speaking out

jeopardise my entire career.

But now that I've come forward, they've explained that it was OK back then, but

they're sort of sorry anyway.

So that's great.

Don't delay. There are hundreds of affected industries, but only a few

media interest remaining.

So act now before idiots who've never experienced it accuse you of jumping on

the bandwagon.

Howie star Gemma Collins has reportedly considered legal action after falling

down a hole at the Radio 1 Teen Awards and... Sorry, just checking it still

news up there.

Yes, apparently this is news now. The burgeoning nuclear Armageddon is

presumably being covered by Heat magazine.

So, see, a blaze app needs work.

I can't believe 999 was faster. So embarrassing.

Oh, look at this new story.

Three important sport tours across England forced to close as cuts bite.

Great. Brainstorm. People sign up to rent out their back gardens to people

want to play rounders or basketball.

How about for an extra fee, users have access to the bath for an experience

that's almost like swimming. Call it scuba.

Right, let's do this. I'm from the Ablaze app.

Where's the fire?

Jeremy and John are now watching The Apprentice.

Oh, the team names are ridiculous.

I know.

Graphene.

Vitality. Synergy.

Kinetic. Evolve.

You don't think... No, John, they don't sound anything like Momentum. No, that's

right. Momentum's a very sensible name for a political organisation and nothing

at all like a Daft Apprentice team name.

Team Momentum.

No, it doesn't sound likely.

No.

Winter Olympics 2018, South Korea.

I'm presenting the luge, the bobsleigh, all the skiing and the skating, the ice

hockey, the skeleton, the live shows, the catch -up shows, the opening

and the closing ceremony.

I've got to be honest, producer Sue, I'm a smidge worried.

Me too, Claire.

There must be more I can do. Please, let me help.

I'm going to be a spare part in the Nordic combined, so I thought while I'm

there, I could pop up to North Korea.

What? Well, they're in a terrible pickle. I've got this. I could just nip

there, bang a few heads together, fix the whole hullabaloo.

Don't worry, he'll get a programme out of it. We can call it Claire Balding's

Nuclear Throwdown.

Isn't that a UN stop?

I fancy my chances in a chinwag with Kim Jong -un.

I mean, if anyone can deal with a power -obsessed maniac, it's me.

I presented today at Wimbledon with John McEnroe.

I'm not sure.

I'll start with my easy questions. You know, settle the Kimster like a jittery

horse.

Kim. What's the atmosphere like in your brutal regime?

Talk us through the moment you assassinated your own half -brother. You

fluffy stuff.

Then I'll take a big, balding breath and ask how proud he'd be to accept a

formal peace treaty.

I'll bamboozle him.

No way, I've got this, yeah. A flat white and a cappuccino for Andrew.

There you go. No, don't worry, I can put this through for Andrew. Just want to

help. Please, Claire, we could get arrested.

Even put in prison.

That'd put a crimp in things.

Or would it?

I could muck in with all the other inmates, take them rambling around the

exercise yard to pep up morale. You could film that too. Claire Balding

the gulags.

Nonsense, Andrew. I've got this.

It could be a two -part special, a four -part special, a 12 -part special. And

I'll do the voiceover. I'll use my slow, serious voice that I do. And Team GB

comes in last.

I've got this.

Stand back, everybody.

Look. Clare, if you want to solve a problem, what about an issue closer to

like Brexit?

Brexit? Not even Baldwin could deal with that.

There you go.

Easy, boy.

Steady, steady.

You're watching BBC News.

Gordon Brown has revealed in a memoir that he wasn't entirely cut out to be

Prime Minister.

Ha! In other news, the Pope is Catholic.

Stay tuned for breaking revelations about where bears shit.

Oop. I said a bad word.

Let's see if anyone upstairs is watching.

As I thought.

Here's your coffee.

A touch of milk, but not too much. Not too sweet and not too bitter.

Bang in the centre, just the way we like things around here. I'm going to decant

into my Tim Farron mug.

Oh, me too.

I told you we'd get rid of him eventually.

Only 1 ,998 to go.

They've not exactly been going like hotcakes, have they?

I know.

It's so unfair.

When Tory and Labour MPs drop off the front benches, they become suddenly

inexplicably popular.

Like Fortillo.

Exactly. Everybody hated him.

They came on a train in a pair of raspberry -coloured trousers and

cosy tea time viewing.

So why is it not happening with Tim?

Ed Ball's lost his job and found a personality.

Well, that was strictly.

Do you think Tim would be out of that?

He's never specifically said he wouldn't wear sequins, but he sort of hinted at

it. More than just strictly.

There's all sorts of other reality shows now.

That's true.

We can always ask.

Where's our phone book of previous leaders?

Ashdown Campbell.

Cable flag.

It's Rebecca from Party Headquarters.

Just a thought. We'd like to apply for you to be on I'm a Celebrity.

How would you feel about crawling through a tunnel of rats to get stars to

food for the camp?

No. What about Bear Grylls?

How would you feel about crawling through undergrowth to kill a caiman to

food for the camp?

No.

OK, OK.

Love Island.

You go to an island and have sex with a string of glamour stars.

Yes, sex.

Heterosexual sex.

No, he's hung up.

Look at him.

Ruining the reputation of our national game. A source of Scottish pride is

destroyed by this tiny -handed, emoji -headed hate monkey.

You know what's really bad, Nicola?

He looks Scottish.

With flaxen hair and strange sickly complexion. It's worse than that wee

His mother was Scottish. She was a Macleod. Just having one of his courses

on Scottish soil is a source of national humiliation.

But sadly golf is his game of choice.

Well that non -consensual groping. So we need to find a way to put people off

using his course.

Get him out of Scotland.

I call it Operation Asshole in One.

And here's our quartermaster now, Canny Kenny.

So what have you got for us?

A reet load of balls, Nicolay.

Balls, Canny Kenny? Aye, but not just any balls.

Don't touch them.

They may look like ordinary golf balls, but the outer shell is only the

thickness of a haggis skin.

Inside is hollow.

filled with 6 ,000 genetically engineered mages from the lowlands of

No, it only takes a swipe of one of these balls and the ensuing cloud of

beasties will devour the epidermis of every player on the fairway. Now, they

like pale skin best.

Ideal for the Caledonian gopher.

Aye, canny, canny.

It's perfect.

In one fell swoop, we will crush Trump's grip on Scottish golf.

Ah! Oh! Ah! Miggy! Ah!

Something like camping in Loch Lomond.

Oh, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Rulith has apologised for revealing who won the Great British Bake Off before

the final was broadcast, tweeting the explanation, I'm in Bhutan.

What kind of an excuse is that?

Sorry I sent that sexy picture to everyone at your work, but I'm in

Mary Berry wouldn't have been in Bhutan.

Introducing the new Alexis Long Term Relationship Edition.

Alexis, buy wine for Carol's party on Friday.

You didn't tell me about Carol's party.

No, that's fine. I'll cancel my plans.

It's just like you've been together forever.

Alexis, turn classical music on.

Uh -huh.

Alexis, turn classical music on. Yes!

Get in!

Alexis, are you even listening to me?

Alexis, recommend a local takeaway.

I don't mind. You decide.

Well, you know, you must have an opinion.

No, no, really, whatever.

You choose.

Alexis, order pizza.

Oh, not pizza.

The new Alexis Long Term Relationship Edition.

Remember exactly why you chose to stay single in the first place.

Get out!

I'll take your charging dock with you.

You wanted to see me?

Yes, I think we need to talk about how your economics degree is going.

Yeah, definitely.

I'm rather concerned. Your written work is very, very poor.

No, it's just not good enough, is it? No, it isn't. So what have you got to

for yourself?

What have I got to say for myself?

No, the question is, what have you got to say?

No, it isn't. I'm the one paying £9 ,000 a year for this, and frankly, I'm not

getting my money's worth.

Well... You need to pull your socks off.

No, you do need to pull my socks off. I can't pull your socks off. Why not?

Anyway, I'm better off if I fail.

What? I worked it out, look.

I'll have borrowed just over £27 ,000 for this degree, but I only need to pay

back if I get a well -paid job, which in my case is really looking unlikely,

thank God.

What are you saying? The worse you do in your degree, the better value for money

it is?

Yeah.

And let's face it, this place is struggling.

What makes you say that?

Is that me, Ian?

That's a fair point.

But... If you do badly, that reflects on me, and I could lose my funding.

Basically, university lecturers like you are incentivised to get students like

me into as much debt as possible.

That can't be right, can it?

The whole university funding system makes no sense.

Precisely. Well, this is brilliant work. Your grades are going to go through the

roof. You could do my job.

How much do you earn? About 40 ,000 a year.

What are you doing?

I can't afford the repayments. No, no, no, no, no, come on.

Have you heard the news, we marry?

What, did it work?

Operation Asshole and One was a complete success.

Like a biblical plague, according to the Newburgh and Foverham Gazette. And

they're not given to exaggeration.

Attendance is down by 50 % already.

Nicola, have you heard the good news?

Aye. The club's losing members faster than the SNP at a general election. Shut

up, you marry.

And that's not all.

Trump himself was making one of his secret visits and was caught up in the

swarm. We got him. No!

Aye. Bitten all over. Like blotchy and red -faced.

Can you tell the difference?

Well, we tried.

Scottish golf is doomed.

Issue a press release, we marry.

Our national sport is now officially keyboard tossing.

Yes!

Jeremy and John are on more familiar territory with Question Time.

Ah, good.

Yes, a bit more dignified.

Well,

that's the best bit.

Turn over now.

Well, over on BBC Two now, David Mitchell and Joan Lyfitt join Sandy and

looking at oceans.

Join them for a brand new QI.