Original subtitles

Oh, Philip, I'm so happy.

I've been Prime Minister for 15 months and I've finally managed to achieve

something. I've made the Universal Credit Hotline free.

No more 55 pence a minute.

Bravo, old girl. How did you manage that?

I'm answering all the calls myself.

Wouldn't that be rather time -consuming?

Hello, Universal Credit Hotline. Theresa May speaking.

Oh, they've gone. No, not really.

Hello, you're speaking to Theresa May.

Gone again.

This news just in. The markets don't like uncertainty.

Oil pipeline in the pipeline.

Let me declare.

Off the record. How do I fix this? And the answer is, we're out.

She wants to be like. She wants to be like.

She wants to walk the mountain, that's true.

Every day in Boston, they do have to break it through. The nation says you're

going to break the news.

She wants to say this. She wants to say this. She really hopes that nobody's

too.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Everything's an hour ahead.

We should make that one of our key Brexit demands.

Well, you've got it right.

David Davis sends his apologies.

He got on the wrong Eurostar and he ended up in Disneyland Paris.

So he thought he'd try the Ratatouille ride while we still have freedom of

movement.

Meeting started 11 .17am.

Fire away.

Tough negotiating head on. He's got a note.

Now, can we settle this so

-called... divorce bill.

Oh, we'd love to, but we can't. Because if we actually agree to give you any

money, the British press would crucify us.

Meeting concluded.

11 .19.

No, we can't go that agreeing on anything again.

Can't we settle on something else?

Something we could give the Daily Mail?

We've had some thoughts.

Um, yeah.

Where are they, Jim?

Yes. Will you let us change the name of Pret -a -Manger to something in English?

We should have a translation for it by 2020.

Well, I don't see why not.

Victory!

Next, then. Can we keep the Christmas markets for the big German sausages?

Yes, but that's not really... We're cooking on gas!

Or bidets to be renamed foot bath, cos that's all we ever use them for anyway.

Keep the term menage a trois, because a threesome sounds so seedy.

Approved. Your turn, please.

What British things does Europe want to keep?

about Blythe you'd hate to see go?

Actually, there is something we'd like you to take back.

All the stag parties in Marbella.

The potwats from our ski resort in Chamonix and Kristen Scott Thomas.

She is bloody annoying.

Right, yeah.

Sounds very fair.

Well, progress!

You are people we can really do business with.

Though not after Brexit, obviously.

This week we've asked you to bake a cake based on something you dream about.

So, what have we got here?

Well, Prue, this represents a city being destroyed by a North Korean nuclear

warhead. The concentric circles in icing show you how likely you are to die, so

lemon is 40%, strawberry 50%, and in the middle... Erica!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll tell her, I'll tell her.

Jemima, we seem to have a teensy bit of a problem.

I knew I shouldn't have put sultanas in. No, it's more the whole air conbominus.

But I can't stop thinking about it. It's just there in my mind all the time.

Yes, mine too. I think everybody's a teensy bit scared of dying in a lake of

fire. But that's why people watch Bake Off to take their minds off that. We

create a different world, an imaginary place where everything is spiralling

towards certain doom.

So let's try it again, shall we? Yes.

What do we have here? This cake shows a magic tree. Oh, lovely.

What are these?

It's where the fairies dance. Oh, I love these shapes. Pretty windmills. It's a

delightful cake and it makes me feel very calm.

Thank you.

Now, Sam, tell me about your cake.

My Victoria sponge shows my hometown after the ice caps melt.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

President Trump has been involved in a war of words with a Republican senator

who has basically the same story as yesterday.

What if I just say him again, and you can all imagine a childish row, and I

skip the details?

Would that be easier?

Anyway, it's, uh, I can't see a clock, so it's probably four -ish, and I was

supposed to be down at midnight.

Is there any sign of Alistair?

No Alistair.

And the winning team is Buck Quiz.

Jeremy.

Evening, John.

I trust you're well. What are you doing here?

Oh, I always support the local pub quiz.

I won.

What?

Technically, I came second, but compared to how I was expected to do. We're

meant to be sorting out the line -up for the anti -capitalist rally.

I had to look on Snapchat to find out where you were. OK, comrade, let's calm

down a bit.

The workers.

The workers.

We can discuss the rally here.

Why would you want to do it here?

Chester!

Bloody legend. Can I get a selfie with you? Go on, then. Go on, then.

You want one with me?

John McDonnell, Shadow Chancellor.

Cheers, Chester.

Bitter, John. I'm the slightest.

I'd hate people hassling me for selfies every second of the day. No, I wanted to

know if you wanted a pint of bitter.

Now, this rally, then. OK, so I've got you down as the headliner.

Well, duh.

The chaster here, Jeremy Corbyn, delivering a powerful condemnation of

capitalism, a failed system which has exploited the working population of this

country and which we will bring to its knees.

Yeah, right.

So, in terms of the other speakers, I thought we'd wheel out the big guns.

Len McCluskey, Paul Mason and me. Pow, pow, pow.

Yeah, I guess. Have you got any better ideas?

What about Daniel Radcliffe? I met him at Latitudes.

Fascinating chap.

Isn't he Harry Potter?

We didn't discuss his hobbies.

OK, well, in terms of the music, we'll book Billy Bragg. But do we need him as

well as Stormzy?

Stormzy? Did I not mention I've booked Stormzy? I never agreed to that.

Well, who would you go for, Grimewise John?

JME? Novelist?

AJ Tracy?

You've changed.

I've not changed, John.

Why are you offing my grill?

I'm authentic. That's what people love about me. I am a small, still voice

calling out for a fairer Britain.

A Britain in which everyone is included and no one... is ignored, actually.

Oh, Jeremy Corbyn. Is that me?

Oh, come on, John. It isn't about you.

The workers.

Oh, stop the workers.

John, tone it down a bit. Don't tell me to tone it down. I'm not Kim Jong -un.

Let's not fall out.

Tell you what, we should go for a curry. Yeah.

Okay. I'd really like that.

The workers.

The workers. Only we'll have to make it another night, because I'm having supper

with Lily Allen at the Soho house.

Cara Delavine might be joining us, actually. Later.

Hello. Are you black?

Poor. From the North?

Well, preferably all three.

Then we, at the Oxbridge Admissions Committee, want to hear from you.

For centuries, Oxford and Cambridge universities have educated only the

whitest, most already educated students.

But we don't want to do that anymore. Well, we do want to, but apparently it

looks bad.

So if you think Eton is a character from Hollyoaks... Or Nanny is a type of

crystal meth... Then pick up an application form from your local branch

What is Lidl? And remember, you don't have to get five A -stars at A -level to

get into Oxbridge.

For example, this helpfully ethnic young lady got in with just three A's and a

Nobel Peace Prize.

So if you're a normie, apply today.

And why not tell all your friends to apply as well?

Steady on.

I mean, we only need one or two.

Okay, guys.

It's great to have all the major studio heads here so we can agree on this new

Hollywood code of conduct.

Seriously? A hotel suite?

What? Where I have all my meetings in a hotel suite.

Oh, right.

Well, look, I think we're all professionals here.

Lionel, what the hell are you doing?

Sorry. Forced to have it.

The way I see it, this shitstorm ain't going away. If Harvey can get taken

who's next?

Oh, it's me.

I should, um... Yeah.

What we need are some simple rules that all us guys can sign up to. No physical

coercion, no inappropriate touching.

How about asking actresses to watch your pay?

Well, sure. That would definitely be unacceptable.

I could... What we need is a big star who

can front the whole campaign.

Someone who really represents women's rights.

I'm thinking Tom Hanks.

George Clooney? Mitch, can I interrupt you there? If we're pitching this as an

anti -sexual harassment of women kind of thing, maybe we should make the star a

woman. Clever.

Then we'd only have to pay them half as much. Who are you thinking, Julianne

Moore? She's too old. What about a younger Julianne Moore? I mean, if she's

old, it's like no one would want to sexually harass her in the first place.

Mitch. Listen, we need someone who's really been through the Hollywood

and I think I have the perfect person.

Kelly Stevens.

She was the sexy nuclear scientist in Superman 4.

Right. Kelly, get in here!

Sit yourself down right there, Kelly.

No, wait.

What are we thinking?

We should be on the bed.

Have a seat.

Is this better?

I think it's worse.

We'll stand.

Let's all stand.

Hey, Kelly, you look familiar.

Did we date in the 80s? I wouldn't call it a date.

I should go.

What do you say? Are you going to help us put this harassment business behind

and get things back to normal? Normal, Jeff?

I've been in Hollywood for over 30 years, and I've been propositioned,

pressurized, and groped by more middle -aged men in positions of power than

you've had soy macchiatos. And now you're asking me to help those exact...

Same men save their own disgusting, sweaty skins and pretend that it was

all water under the bridge.

Normal? Are you out of your mind?

Equally.

I'm a Hollywood actress in her mid -fifties, and it's the best offer I've

over two decades, so count me in.

Great. I probably shouldn't touch you. In fact, being alone with you in this

hotel room is not a great idea. Not with my reputation.

International news. After the World Health Organization named Robert Mugabe

goodwill ambassador... Robert Mugabe?

The Robert Mugabe?

A goodwill ambassador?

Oh, well, they're going to have to revoke that.

Oh, they have revoked it. Good, because I've read out some stuff about him

before in short version.

Not a great guy.

Oh, very good.

What? The white -faced ghoul look for Halloween.

I'm not dressed up yet.

You'd look like this if you'd just come from a Cabinet Brexit meeting.

Dare I ask how all that's going?

Well, half the Cabinet want no deal because they want a hard Brexit, and the

other half want no deal because they think that'll stop Brexit. But for some

reason, I have to keep saying, we're hoping for a deal.

It'll be fine. You're the best Prime Minister we've currently got. Oh, thank

you.

I think.

No, I have put £50 on complete economic meltdown by 2019, so we're quids in

either way.

Are there going to be those frightening things at the Halloween party?

You know, people.

It's probably for the best, because I can practise my Brussels smile.

Oh, yeah, very spooky.

Go on then, go and get your Halloween cosy on.

Is it a free bar tonight?

Who knows?

Philip Hammond won't agree to pay for anything until the last possible moment.

Um, Red Riding Hood? Or are you one of the Pokemon?

No, I'm Offred from The Handmaid's Tale, a woman who serves a purpose for a

group of heartless men but could be cast out and executed at any moment.

It's a girl box set rather than a boy box set.

Wahoo! I drink your bra!

Oh, don't! Sorry. You'll give me nightmares like that one where I'm at

conference and I lose my voice and all the letters start falling off the wall.

No, darling, that actually happened.

Come on, let's go bobbing for apples before they slap a 30 % tariff on them.

like this hood.

It means I can't see people not wanting to talk to me.

Oh, it's Trump. Don't let him touch me.

I know, that's just a particularly fat pumpkin. Don't you worry about Trump.

He's visiting next year, so he'll be Boris Johnson's problem.

Or David Davis's problem.

Or Jacob Rees -Mogg's problem.

Good.

What?

Court of Appeal in session.

This is case number 314, TFL and the Mayor of London versus Uber

This is further to the earlier ruling terminating Uber's licence to operate in

London. Miss Parker, I believe you are representing Uber.

That's correct, my lad. Very good. Would you like to present your first witness?

Yes, my lad. My first witness is Hassan in a silver Prius who'll be here in four

minutes. No, seven minutes.

No, eight.

He's never given up. It will now be Alexei in a black Megane in three

He's gone to third pricing.

It's not worth the council.

Locating.

Locating. Miss Parker.

Ramon in a Ford Galaxy.

One minute away, my lad. He's at the end of the road.

He's... What are you doing?

He's spinning. Why are you spinning?

He's gone.

The case rests, my lad.

Well, can we hear from the mayor?

On his way, my lad, but he's in a black cab and it won't go south of the river.

Any joy with Ramon?

I am so frustrated with France.

You can't get anything done here.

I've just had a four -hour meeting with the unions. Three hours of it was lunch.

That is not so bad.

For the other hour, they were on strike.

They are so... Oh, they are so... They are so... Fright?

All I want to do is crush the unions and take away workers' rights.

Why do people have a problem with that?

You must be careful, Monsieur Fleur. You'll make yourself unpopular.

Mrs. Maggie Thatcher did it, and everybody loved her.

You don't really remember the 80s, do you? Oh, you must be patient.

Changement is slow in France.

Remember how long it took Disneyland Paris to get Snow White to shave her

armpits? I want France to be in the future. I want it to be Daft Punk, not

Gainbourg. Don't be rude about Serge. Not everything old is bad.

No, not old.

I did not mean me.

I mean this.

Oh, the 1994 school yearbook.

Oh, it's when we met. You look exactly the same.

Oh, there I am.

What a dweeb.

Most likely to become president before 40 and marry the drama teacher.

You knew.

I knew.

I didn't care.

All I could think about was how I could marry you and be the father to your

three children.

Once I got my driver's license.

Oh, Emmanuel, can you see now that the past can be wonderful?

If France was a truly modern country, then there would be rules saying that

cannot marry your teacher, and I would be in prison and not the Élysée -Palais.

Perhaps the old French ways are not so bad.

You can think of Galois, be rude to tourists, and still people think you are

sophisticated.

Let us go to a three -star Michelin restaurant, and then we can make love on

Art Nouveau balcony.

Oh, you are the most beautiful woman alive.

Emmanuel, careful, my hip! My hip!

Oh, go on. Oh, la la.

You're watching the news with me, Simone Fredericks. The time is coming up to

some godforsaken hour of the morning, and the Catalan president is saying that

despite threats from Madrid, Catalonia is going to leave Spain.

Do you reckon he'll go through with it?

It's a bit like when blokes have affairs, isn't it? They keep saying

leave their wives, but they never do.

Nicola!

Nicola! But don't do it, Nicola.

It's only 21 seats, we're winning back.

I'm not going in, you daft bampot. It's them over there.

Northern Ireland.

Laughing at us, the DUP.

Now, why would they be doing that?

They've stolen our thunder, we marry.

And our regional funding.

Before the last general election, we were proud to be the most overfunded

of the UK.

The only place in the entire country with free hospital parking.

Yeah, but now they've got their Tory billions. They've been rolling up to the

Royal Victoria in Belfast, staying all day, doing a big shop.

We've got to find a way to put Scotland back on top of the pile.

How can we do that when we've lost a third of our seats?

Shut up, you Mario. Don't leave reminding of that.

But perhaps you're right.

Maybe the time has come for a consolidated Scottish power base.

You don't mean a coalition with the Scottish Tories?

You can't be the SNP and be seen to agree with other people.

Then we're going to have to find another canny plan to get us back on the gravy

train.

To Highland Whip, please.

Aye, we need something Scottish that the English like, that they want more of.

Then we'll be top of the small Celtic country pops again.

Oui.

Hog money?

Everybody likes hog money.

Aye. The Scotland owns New Year's Eve. A burn of toot whisky.

The two lines of Auld Lang Syne that people know.

Problem is, hog money is just one day a year.

If only hog money could be every day.

That's it.

We'll call it Operation Groundhog money.

Brilliant. Get a hold of the fellas made in Big Ben and tell them to fix it so

that when New Year comes it never stops chiming.

Hang on. What about that New Year's Eve show, Jules Holland's Hootenanny?

Those poor souls will be trapped in that studio listening to boogie -woogie

piano forever.

Hardly. I record that show in August.

Oh, wait.

She's gonna faking well, faking well, faking well break the news.

I need a present for the new Bally Grand Sprog.

Hello. Um, what about a hat?

Uh, it's not really cranny enough.

Or some booty?

Oh, they're good, yes.

I'll take two dozen.

For the dogs.

Charles won't turn that fucking heating on.

What about something practical, like a teething ring?

What the hell's a teething ring?

Well, you know, when babies are born, they don't have teeth.

They don't have teeth?

No.

Or you could get a...

Play gym, which is a good way of getting exercise while they can't walk.

They can't walk and they don't have teeth. What the bloody hell is the point

them? Or a little portable bath.

The Royal Marines take care of maritime issues.

Oh, what's this?

Oh, that's not really suitable for newborns. It's a boat that has little

aeroplanes.

What's that? An aircraft carrier.

Oh,

his little face all just light up.

The baby.

No, my husband, you twonk.

Rev it up and have it sent to Highgrove. Er, you have to pay.

Oh, you are funny.

Oh, I can't see.

Breaking news.

Something about China.

Something about President Xi Jinping.

I wish they'd enlarged the font or something.

Hang on.

He's strengthened his grip on power in a surprisingly authoritarian move.

Is that surprising in China? I'm not surprised, are you?

Well, the results are in.

Let's see what the public make of him then.

I told you not to do that.

People were asked if they viewed Vince Cable very favourably, somewhat

favourably, somewhat unfavourably.

Or the one everyone's ticked.

Comments included, don't they have anyone new? All he did was help the

I know the face. Didn't he die in season six of Game of Thrones?

It's just so hard to win from the centre these days.

Well, Emmanuel Macron trounced the left and the right and became president of

France. Well, there is him, yeah.

So we need a way to turn that into that.

That's into that. Yes.

That there into that there. I mean, what's he got that he hasn't?

The wife.

The wife thing. Of course.

Brigitte Macron, sensational at 64.

The public love the age gap because they think it means true love or something.

So we need Vince to get together with a sexy lady who's 24 years older.

Vince is 74, so she'd be... 98.

Tina, visit some old folks' homes, but only the cool ones, and tell them that

Vince is on the market.

Hook up the cable.

I like it.

Install some cable today.

Maybe the first one. Slot the cable into your box.

Tina, look on Guardian Soulmates, see who's out there.

Well, this one's good.

Katie, 98, loves music and movies.

Pro -Remain. I like it.

Just took a gap year in Sri Lanka.

Tina, when it says 98, that means the year she was born.

Alexis, turn music down.

Now, why should I?

Introducing the new Alexis Teenage Edition.

For when your kids have left home and you're missing the little darlings.

Alexis, buy milk.

You do it.

Come on, you know it's finished. Buy more.

Can I have 50 quid?

Alexis, open curtains.

I'll do it later.

Alexis, turn off lights.

Get lost.

Alexis, how dare you speak to me like that?

Are you, like, going through the menopause or something?

The new Alexis Teenage Edition. The perfect gadget for every empty nester.

Alexis? Alexis?

Alexis?

Alexis?

What? Alexis, I've told you to leave your door open when Siri's around.

Oh, but I really love him.

Siri, do you love me too? I'm sorry. I do not understand the question.

The new Alexis Teenage Edition.

To remind you why you are happy to see them go in the first place.

Alexis, what's the weather?

Stop shouting at me.

I'm not shouting. You're shouting. No, I'm not.

I hate you.

Oh.

My Chancellor, we need to talk about a delicate matter to do with your image.

Oh, they are not discontinuing this lipstick.

Oh, no, my God, no.

Warm flesh is the nation's favorite.

No, it is something to do with you personally. Something you started doing

you were with Putin.

There. You just did it then.

What?

You don't be like that.

No, no, I'm being you. You roll the eyes sometimes when people test your

patience. You did it to Putin, and at least I'm a spy of the Trumps. I do not

roll my eyes.

Yeah, I'm afraid you do.

Oh, my God, I'm rolling the eyes.

I always thought that I had such a serene and beautiful poker face at the

summit. I'm afraid not.

Oh, no. Now they are going to know what I am thinking.

Don't worry, my gentle rat.

We will train you. I will take you through some everyday situations, and

must do is not roll the eyes. Yeah?

Yeah.

Begin.

The phone rings.

You pick it up.

You hear a teenage boy whose voice is breaking.

You realize it is Theresa May.

Oh, try harder.

You're a chancellor, not a gift.

Yeah, all right.

Try Ivanka Trump.

My father's record on women's rights is very good.

As an entrepreneur and job creator, he is a force for gender equality.

Well done.

No eye roll. It's okay.

Enough with the nursery slopes.

To Donald.

We have to stop it, folks.

Have to stop it. It's so good.

It was the home run.

I did beautiful words. They were beautiful words.

But the fake media won't report them.

Germany owes us money. Yes, they do.

They owe us big.

Oh, oh, my chancellorette. Are you okay?

Oh, Birgit, I kept my eyeliner straight, but my powerful eye must flip my entire

body instead.

Flipping, flipping. I think I sprained my face.

Hello?

Boy, Johnson.

It's okay.

That one you allowed.

Hello?

Grand star guests tonight include Adam Sandler and Emma Thompson with Morrissey

at 10 .35 after the news next.

Well, we're on BBC Two now. Nish Kumar and Holly Walsh join Sandy Toksvig for

QI.