Original subtitles

This is he story of my family... The O'Neals.

We just came from church.

As always, we're on our best behavior,

and that's 100% due to my mom, Eileen.

Kenny. Four on the floor.

Sorry.

Yep. I'm the rebel.

What a lovely family.

Aren't they?

What I can get for you, sir?

Jimmy will have the skinless chicken breast

with the steamed broccoli.

He has to make weight for his wrestling match.

St. Barclay's.

Go, bulldogs!

- And for you, Si... - My husband will have the salmon

with a lemon wedge.

Can't have meat and potatoes for every meal.

Not till I'm in heaven.

Also, could you donate your tips to poor children in Ethiopia?

Shannon, honey, don't be pushy.

Karen needs to make her own moral decisions.

It's her soul that's going to hell

if she doesn't give you money.

My shift just started.

My mom always told us to behave as if Jesus were watching.

What are you getting, Kenny?

Uh, she usually just orders for me, so...

Smart.

I'm gonna let her order for me, too,

but then I'm just gonna turn it into whatever I want.

Mm. That's the life.

Jesus wasn't really there, you guys,

but you get it.

We were different than other families.

But I was about to change all that.

We were gonna go from this...

To this.

Use your core. Use your core!

They're coming for us!

Shannon is doing nothing!

Oh, where the hell is the car?!

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Aaaaaaaaah!

The wheels started to fall off

the night before our church's biggest fundraiser...

Bingo bonanza.

My mom was chair of the event.

It combined two of the things she loved the most...

Serving the church and having everyone

watch her do it.

That is how you make

an easy nine-finger articulated medallion bow.

My dad was bringing home the mother of all donations

and the donation my mother cared about most of all...

A ride-along with the Chicago P.D.

I didn't get the ride-along.

What?! Why not?

Because apparently, we're being sued after the last one.

You think

you're so tough up there?

Why? 'Cause you're protected by this cage?

Well, I'm-a find you, dentist!

I'm-a find you, I'm-a kill you!

Don't listen to him. He's a drama queen.

You think I'm playin', son?!

What about the silent auction?

The ride-along was our big-ticket item.

Now we don't have our big-ticket item.

Jodi.

It's okay.

I didn't get to be chair of the bingo bonanza

by losing my cool.

Hmm?

Pat. Since you couldn't get the ride-along,

I think there's something else we could auction off.

Not my canoe!

We've had this thing for seven years,

and it's never even touched water.

But it could.

And look, I hope this doesn't sound too extreme,

but this canoe symbolizes all my hopes and dreams.

I bet we could get 3 grand for it.

Eileen!

Let's talk about it.

We never talk about things, and then I end up

getting railroaded into giving up my canoe.

Okay.

But I invited the bishop to bingo bonanza.

I was hoping that he'd see how generous we are

and then he'd write a recommendation

for Jimmy to go to Notre Dame

so he wouldn't end up living with us

for the rest of his life because he's a little dumb.

See that?

That's Irish-Catholic jedi mind control.

This is tremendous.

Eileen, I'd like to honor all your hard work

by featuring the O'Neals in the church bulletin.

So do you have a recent family photo?

Of course I do.

I'll get you a flash drive.

While Father Phil was looking through

1,000 of the exact same photos,

I was in my bedroom with my handsy girlfriend, Mimi.

I love Peta.

Mm. But...

We have been dating for six months,

and you have never once pressured me to have sex.

Which is why I want to have sex.

Uh, b-but Father Phil is downstairs,

and he's wearing his collar.

I don't care. I'm half-Jewish.

Whoa.

Uh, that's 48 condoms.

12 didn't seem like enough.

Are you sure you understand how they work?

Kenny.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Where are you going?

Um...

To put one of these on.

But you can do that in here.

But...

I want to make an entrance, So...

Okay.

Okay.

I can do this.

I can do this.

What's the problem?

Why am I so nervous?

I don't know. Why do you think?

What are you doing in my mirror, shirtless cologne model?

You tell me.

Hey.

Come out, Kenny!

Yeah, Kenny. Why don't you come out?

I can't come out. Have you ever met my mom?

She put a statue of the Virgin Mary over the toilet

so we'd put the seat down.

That's intense.

You're intense.

No, but it will literally kill her.

So...

I can't be gay... ever.

I need to learn how to do it... With a girl.

Straight sex.

I can do this.

Do you have it on yet? Does it fit?

Nope. Can't do this.

That's a... bad idea, man.

I'm out of here.

Wait! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Ohh! Oh, god.

No!

Oh, god.

Uggggggh!

Come on, girl. Help me out.

I finally got the bow right!

We're still in the bulletin, though, right?

The good news is, almost everyone was blinded

by plaster dust and didn't see the condoms.

The bad news is

my mom was now convinced that I'd sinned with Mimi.

Where's our regular plumber?

I had to call in a stranger.

We need to keep this Kenny thing contained.

You know how gossipy plumbers are.

Hey.

What do you think Mom's gonna do to me?

Who cares?

What did Mimi do to you?

Oh. Just... you know,

just... all that sex stuff that drives us wild.

Yeah! She did, man!

No matter what she tells you, you're not going to hell.

Trust me.

If everything she said was true,

I would be so blind by now.

Whoa! She looks pissed.

Good luck.

Just let me take the lead. Please?

Be my guest. Go right ahead.

Okay, so, some things happened last night

that I think we need to talk about.

You are in a heap of trouble, young man.

I know out in the rest of the world,

kids are humping to hip-hop, but not in this house.

Eileen.

Father Phil was here... In his collar!

I told Mimi that, but she was unmoved by that argument.

Zip it!

I have a lot more statues of the Blessed Virgin

in the basement, Kenny... Big ones.

Let me tell you how this ends.

- Here it comes. - If you get Mimi pregnant,

then you won't be able to go to Northwestern

and become the youngest judge in Illinois history,

like we always talked about.

And I want that for you.

Because you're my favorite.

Eileen!

Fine. Sure.

They're all my favorites.

Hey, Jodi. Thanks.

How's things after last night?

- Things are good. - Good.

Because I just got out of cardio salsa at the church,

and people were talking about Kenny and Mimi.

What?

Guess who was yammering on the most.

Marcia bleeping Worthman.

Well, apparently, they found Mimi in her underwear

with hundreds of Kenny's condoms plugging their pipes.

Are you kidding?

No. Those moves are hard.

I think I pulled my vagina muscle.

Do women have groins?

This is nice.

Well, now everyone's gonna know.

We need to nip this in the bud.

I agree. So I was thinking...

I have this cousin back in Philly

with a very questionable past who would do anything for me.

And by "anything," I mean like...

"Kill Marcia Worthman."

Wow.

Well, we're not gonna do that,

but I like that you're thinking.

- Can you put that in the front for me? - Yeah.

Hey. I'm gonna go watch the hockey game at Clifford's.

No. It's out there.

I need you to handle this Kenny thing...

The way you handle things.

My dad's way of handling parenting stuff

was to bring us to work.

He wants us to be responsible drivers,

He takes us to a crash site.

See that hand? It's still texting.

Hey, I got a bleeder!

Who wants ice cream?

Express it out of here!

He doesn't want me to have premarital sex?

He takes me to Crystal.

She was in the middle of telling me

her sex-worker origin story,

and I have to admit... I was zoning out,

until I heard...

Why do you want to have sex with your girlfriend?

I mean, honey, clearly, you're gay.

What?

Where... where... where are you getting that? What?

How's it going?

Great. Super.

Uh, thanks, Crystal. Good talk.

Bye.

So that happened.

And then we went to bingo night,

otherwise known as

"the night where my mom tries to make everyone forget

about the sex I didn't have with Mimi."

Okay. This is a big night.

And not just for me, but for our entire family.

I know we've had an eventful 24 hours,

but now we're over the hump.

It's funny 'cause you said "hump."

- No. - No. Okay.

All right, let's be our best selves.

Pat, sell that canoe. Jimmy, tuck in your shirt.

Shannon, push those bingo cards.

And you... Keep it in your pants.

- Thank you. - Hello, Shannon.

Welcome.

I will take four cards, please.

But everyone's looking to you to set the bar.

You got to go high, Father Phil.

Well, I took a vow of poverty.

Does your Lexus know that?

Well-played, child.

Everything is beautiful.

If god played bingo, this is where he'd do it.

I'd... like to think so.

Good evening, Father. Ugh.

It's Marcia Worthman and her big mouth.

How's my fake smile?

- Great. How's mine? - Mm.

- Tight. - Mm.

Eileen.

Congrats on your little bingo night.

It's amazing you were able to do this

in light of the Kenny situation.

Yeah. Well, thank you, Marcia.

I do what I can for the church.

Mimi started it!

That skinny little tramp is all hands.

What? There's an emergency?

Oh! I'll be right there. Okay.

You know, it's hard, Eileen.

Kids seem like they're going on the right path,

then they can just... Veer off.

Well, my kids are all on the right path, so...

So...

So...

I'm not forcing you to break up,

but, because I care about you,

I want you to spend the rest of the evening

getting a glimpse of what your future could be.

By the way, they can smell fear.

Good luck!

Oh! Nothing better than mashed potatoes.

Just pour that gravy like you mean it.

Oh! Hello, corn on the cob.

Ahh! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Oh, beautiful.

Honey, honey. Isn't this beautiful?

We have to bid on this.

Hey. Wow, look at this, huh?

- Great canoe, huh? - Yeah.

You know what's crazy is, I was gonna bid on it earlier,

but then I heard that the West Nile virus is back.

- Can you believe that? - Ohh.

I don't know. It's just, you put two and two together.

The canoe's got to go in the water, right?

My question to you is, how's your immunity?

Are they bidding?

Fingers crossed.

Everything's going smoothly.

The chicken's cooked all the

- way through this year. - Hey.

And the gossip's quieting down.

And the bishop will be here soon,

so I can ask him about that letter for Jimmy for Notre Dame,

and I sent Kenny and Mimi to work in the nursery.

That'll scare them out of having sex for another 20 years.

I already scared them out of having sex. Remember?

You can never be too scared.

Your mom's right. This could be us one day.

Wouldn't that be awesome?

Uh...

Uh, Mimi?

Doesn't this all feel a little fast?

I mean, I had a really interesting talk

with a prostitute today

who made me think maybe we should, you know,

slow things down a little bit.

You're telling me this now?

After we've had four kids and have another one on the way?

What are you talking about?

If you wanted to slow things down,

you should have said something in high school.

Now let's put on a movie for the kids.

You know how horny I get when I'm pregnant.

Aaaaaaah!

It's just poop.

Yeah. Right.

Holy crap.

I don't want to have four kids with Mimi.

I have to come out.

Yeah... now.

But I think that was primarily

'cause it smelled like socks and tacos.

Dad? I need to talk to you.

What? What's up?

Uh...

I have something pretty important to tell you.

I have tried to tell you this before.

No, actually, that's not true.

I've sort of started and then I've changed the subject.

But anyway, what I'm trying to say is...

And please... Don't tell Mom yet.

I don't want to have sex with Mimi...

Or any other girl.

Vaginas scare me.

That feeling never goes away.

Thank you for that.

I'm not sure you understand what I'm saying.

No, I get it.

I thought I handled it by taking you to a prostitute,

but that's not parenting.

And it stops now.

Eileen, what's your 20?

What are you doing?

We're having a family meeting.

Who's ready to play bingo?

Pat, can it wait?

Bingo's about to start. I'm handing out daubers.

No.

There's a major problem with the brownie bar.

I'm on my way.

Knew that'd get her.

There's no problem with the brownie bar.

No, but there's a problem with us.

We don't talk about things.

Pat, there are 200 people out there.

Now is not the time for this.

It's never the time, but now works for me,

so we're going with it.

Now, Kenny, this morning,

you had a very healthy sexual appetite,

and now you don't ever want to sleep with a woman.

Is that something you'd like to talk about?

Not a chance.

Okay, but I'm coming back to you.

No!

Now, look, I understand that this is uncomfortable

because talking about real stuff isn't something we do,

but we're gonna start, and I'll go first.

Pat, we are not doing this...

Your mother and I are in therapy.

We've been going every Tuesday night for a year.

I-I thought you were playing tennis.

Is this the body of a man who plays tennis?

I don't... really like looking at your body.

Thank you! That's honesty.

All right. Come on. Who's next? Somebody.

I think we're done here.

Why are you in therapy?

Well, it's, uh, complicated.

Pat! Stop talking.

No!

Can't you see we're screwing up our kids

with our whole Irish-Catholic not talking about things?

We can't corned-beef this, Eileen.

It's their lives, too.

Fine.

Fine!

You want to know why we're in therapy?

- No. - Mnh-mnh.

Because I made a mistake, okay?

On our second date,

your father and I went to a Foreigner concert,

I smoked a joint, and I ended up getting pregnant with Jimmy.

- What?! - No way.

Who's foreigner?

And even though we didn't know each other very well,

we got married because we wanted to do the right thing.

And we made it work... For a while.

But it's not working anymore.

And so now we're getting a divorce.

There.

I said it.

Look, we're not perfect, okay?

I don't want them to think that they have to be, either.

Oh, my god.

This was it.

This was my moment.

- I... - I'm anorexic!

What?!

Oh! Yeah. Y-yep.

It started because of wrestling,

but now I just like watching the numbers on the scale drop.

I mean, it is really hard

not to shove those brownies in my face right now.

Okay, Jimmy, well, hey, listen,

that's probably something we're gonna need to discuss further,

but thanks for sharing.

I don't know if this is super-serious,

but I haven't sent any of that money to Ethiopia.

I spent it all on a car I bought off Craigslist.

- What?! - Also a surprise.

I couldn't believe they sold it to a 14-year-old.

You can get anything you want if you pay all in cash.

What is happening here?!

Uh... we're just...

Being ourselves, Eileen.

Okay. Great.

So now we all know that we're getting a divorce,

Shannon's a thief, Jimmy doesn't eat.

What about you, Kenny? Hmm?

You in the mob now?

You making meth in the basement?

I-I'm gay.

What?

I'm gay, Mom.

What?

I think Kenny said he's gay.

Twice.

And it also sounds like you're getting a divorce.

Unfortunately, the acoustics in here are amazing.

Do you want this open or closed?

I'll close it.

Sorry if I brought this up at a bad time.

No. I started it.

Put these on. We're leaving.

I don't think this is mine.

Now you care about stealing?

And there it was.

After all my mom's hard work,

we'd gone from the perfect family in the church bulletin

to the ones sneaking out the back,

getting dirty looks from judgy nuns.

Eileen!

Oh, listen, tonight wasn't a total debacle.

In all the confusion over your family's, um, situation,

bidding closed early, and I won your canoe.

Take care of her for me.

Oh, I will.

I think I might use it as a planter,

maybe grow some zucchini in there.

Best $150 I've ever spent.

There's no way that bleeping is getting our canoe.

Use your core! Use your core!

They're coming for us!

Shannon is doing nothing!

I can't raise my arms!

Where the hell is the car?!

Eileen! Eileen, stop!

Keep going!

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Right now, right now. Stop. Put it down.

Put it down. Put it down!

What are you doing?

I don't know! Obviously!

I just stole a canoe from church,

everyone in there knows we're getting a divorce,

and my own son just told me he thinks he's...

Gay?

That's what he said. We all heard him, right?

Yes, thank you, Jimmy.

I mean, I knew you'd flip out.

Well, what did you expect?!

You dropped a bomb. You all did!

We're sending that car to Africa, by the way.

Good, because I couldn't grind off the VIN number.

The sooner it's off my hands, the better.

How could all this happen without my knowing?

Mom, you don't make it easy.

Wait! Don't forget this!

Guys, I know

when your uncle Dwayne and I got divorced,

it seemed like the worst thing ever,

but look at me now.

I'm doing great.

And you guys are gonna be great, too.

You're gonna want to call dibs on Christmas.

I don't think I need...

Eileen calls Christmas!

But don't worry... everybody still gets a fruitcake.

Oh.

Sorry, Kenny.

Don't even worry about it.

I got to go call the numbers.

Mm.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Let's get this thing in the car.

Wait! Eileen! Listen.

Nobody wants this canoe as much as I do, okay?

But I am a cop, and this is stealing.

Pat, too many things are changing.

I need this canoe. Our family needs this canoe.

This canoe symbolizes all our hopes and dreams,

and it's going back in that garage!

You heard your mother, kids. Use your core.

Let's go! Give me the keys!

This is not a planter!

Shannon, get the door!

So, here we are.

Just your typical all-American, Catholic,

divorcing, disgraced, lawbreaking, gay family.

And I guess you could say

we were all finally out as who we really were.

Hey! Roll down your window!

Stop the car!

Bishop Perez!

Thank you for coming! It's such an honor!

This is my son Jimmy.

I was hoping you could write him a letter

so he could get into Notre Dame.

Um... sure.

I have an eating disorder.

Okay, okay. That's enough sharing for tonight, buddy.

I stole Marcia Worthman's purse.

- All right. - Drive, Pat. Drive fast.

Who the hell was that?

We're The O'Neals, damn it. And we're a perfect mess.

So you're gay, huh?

Yeah.

And you listen to Katy Perry because you like her music,

not because she's hot?

Yeah.

That's interesting.

What is it you miss most about eating?

Waffles.

And the chewing.

Actually, I have a question for you.

You're a gay guy.

So you're into style... And stuff.

W... when you look at me, is there any...

- Your hair. - Okay.

You didn't let me finish.

It's awful.

You're a thief!

A thief with good hair.

I hate you guys.

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