Original subtitles

- ♪ Goddamn, goddamn ♪

♪ It's "Goddamn Comedy Jam" ♪

- It's cool, 'cause it's like you get to

- It's cool, 'cause it's like you get to

strut your stuff and act like a rock star

for, like, 2 1/2 minutes.

- I stupidly said yes to this,

- I stupidly said yes to this,

where there's shit loads of pressure,

where people are are watching me on TV right now.

- [singing indistinctly]

- [singing indistinctly]

- I've never done this before. I get nervous.

But once I hit the stage, man, it just leaves.

- I've been rehearsing, I'm just nervous.

- I've been rehearsing, I'm just nervous.

because I'm like, "oh, maybe I didn't rehearse enough."

- It's just the most fun you could have on stage.

Every comic wants to be a rock star or a rapper

Every comic wants to be a rock star or a rapper

or whatever, and this is, like, a way to do it

where we don't look like douche bags.

where we don't look like douche bags.

[rock music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome to the "Goddamn Comedy Jam."

- Welcome to the "Goddamn Comedy Jam."

Give it up for Adam DeVine!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Josh Adam Meyers and the Goddamn Band, everybody!

- Josh Adam Meyers and the Goddamn Band, everybody!

[cheers and applause]

[screams]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I'm so fucking excited that they are actually

making this into a special.

making this into a special.

This is my--this is, like, literally my favorite show

to do in the entire country.

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

So much fun.

[laughs]

So, like, everybody has, like, the one song, you know?

So, like, everybody has, like, the one song, you know?

That sort of, like, transports you, uh, back in time,

where you were like, wherever you are, you sort of remember

where you were like, wherever you are, you sort of remember

exactly where you were when you heard that song,

when that song was a part of your life.

Well, my song was the song that was playing

Well, my song was the song that was playing

when I lost my virginity.

when I lost my virginity.

Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, I was 17 years old, and I was, like, the oldest

Yeah, I was 17 years old, and I was, like, the oldest

out of all my friends, you know?

I'm from Omaha, Nebraska, so we be fucking, and, uh...

I'm from Omaha, Nebraska, so we be fucking, and, uh...

[laughs]

And, uh--not me, though.

Took a while.

Took a while.

And, uh, my girlfriend at the time,

she was like a sweetheart, and she was like,

"I just want it to be perfect."

"I just want it to be perfect."

And I was like, "I know just the place that'll set the mood."

And I was like, "I know just the place that'll set the mood."

A Blink-182 concert.

[cheers and applause]

Right?

Right?

That's the--the groundwork.

So I somehow convinced my parents into letting, like,

So I somehow convinced my parents into letting, like,

me and her and a group of friends to travel from

Omaha, Nebraska, all the way down to

Kansas City--it's, like, a 3 1/2 hour drive,

Kansas City--it's, like, a 3 1/2 hour drive,

go to the concert, and the best part is,

they put us up in hotel rooms.

they put us up in hotel rooms.

What the--

what the fuck were they thinking?

Obviously, an orgy is gonna break out.

Obviously, an orgy is gonna break out.

We're 17, we're like-- [screams].

It won't go down!

And we go to the show, and it was everything

you expected it to be.

A lot of jumping like this.

A lot of jumping like this.

A lot of moving your hair out of your face like this.

A lot of moving your hair out of your face like this.

And, uh, after the show, we come back to the hotel,

and, you know, the melodic sounds of Mark, Tom, and Travis

and, you know, the melodic sounds of Mark, Tom, and Travis

were just pulsating through our nether regions.

were just pulsating through our nether regions.

And we were just...

ah.

And we're just locking eyes, you know, me and her,

And we're just locking eyes, you know, me and her,

and it's getting-- it's sensual.

And I'm like, "Oh."

And I'm like, "Oh."

You know? Like--

[laughs]

When you're, like, losing your virginity,

or it's, like, all so new, like, everything--

or it's, like, all so new, like, everything--

every touch is, like, "oh!"

"Oh!"

So it's us, like, slowly unbuttoning

each other's clothes, just being like, "Oh!"

each other's clothes, just being like, "Oh!"

[moans]

And then, I'm like, "Uh, hold up, time out,

I've got the perfect song."

And, uh, in hindsight, "All The Small Things"

And, uh, in hindsight, "All The Small Things"

is the worst song--

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

It's the worst song to lose your virginity to.

It's the worst song to lose your virginity to.

'Cause it's about a tiny dick, you know?

And, uh, it's going good and we're--I'm in it,

And, uh, it's going good and we're--I'm in it,

and, uh...

and I'm in it, and she's like, "Are you in?"

And I'm like...

"Yeah, bitch, I'm in.

"I'm all--this is as far as I can go.

I don't, uh..."

I don't, uh..."

And then, I hear the words, "all the small things"

and all of a sudden, I'm like,

and all of a sudden, I'm like,

"I've got the tiniest dick in the world!

"My dick is super small!

"It looks gigantic in her dainty hands,

"It looks gigantic in her dainty hands,

but not in her huge pussy, evidently."

We did a lot of finger-banging up to that point.

It was just, like, a year and a half of, "la!"

It was just, like, a year and a half of, "la!"

Stupid.

She's gonna be so embarrassed.

Hi, Chelsea. And, uh...

Hi, Chelsea. And, uh...

[cheers and applause]

And, but--so I was, like, kind of nervous and embarrassed,

and then I heard "all the small things,"

and then I heard "all the small things,"

and I looked right at her as we're making love,

and I go, "Huh, more like all the medium-sized things, right?"

and I go, "Huh, more like all the medium-sized things, right?"

And then she wiggled uncomfortably, and I came.

And then she wiggled uncomfortably, and I came.

That's all. It was awkward.

So let's take a trip back in time...

So let's take a trip back in time...

[cheers and applause]

With Blink-182's "All The Small Things."

With Blink-182's "All The Small Things."

[Blink-182's "All The Small Things" playing]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ All the small things ♪

♪ All the small things ♪

♪ True care truth brings ♪

♪ I'll take one lift ♪

♪ I'll take one lift ♪

♪ Your ride best trip ♪

♪ Always I know ♪

♪ Always I know ♪

♪ You'll be ♪

♪ At my show ♪

♪ Watching, waiting ♪

♪ Watching, waiting ♪

♪ Commiserating ♪

♪ Say it ain't so ♪

♪ Say it ain't so ♪

♪ I will not go ♪

♪ Turn the lights off ♪

♪ Carry me home ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

Everybody!

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

So at this point in the story,

So at this point in the story,

I forgot a condom, I had to go next door,

and ask my friend, who was two years younger,

and ask my friend, who was two years younger,

to borrow a condom.

With a mouth full of braces, he's like,

"Oh, my God, I'm so happy you're losing your virginity!"

♪ Late night come home ♪

♪ Work sucks I know ♪

♪ Work sucks I know ♪

♪ She left me roses by the stairs ♪

Oh, thank you.

♪ Surprises let me know she cares ♪

♪ Surprises let me know she cares ♪

♪ Say it ain't so ♪

♪ I will not go ♪

♪ Turn the lights off ♪

♪ Carry me home ♪

♪ Carry me home ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

So now, I was just standing there.

She'd never let me have sex with her again.

She'd never let me have sex with her again.

So I was like, "Please, I'll do better next time!

"You've got to let me do it again.

"At least give me two more times.

"At least give me two more times.

"Give me six more times,

"and I'll get better, I swear to God.

Give me a dozen times, and I'll be a goddamn porn star, please!"

Give me a dozen times, and I'll be a goddamn porn star, please!"

She looked at me right in the eye, and she said,

"Let's try it again."

"Let's try it again."

♪ Say it ain't so ♪

♪ I will not go ♪

♪ Turn the lights off ♪

♪ Turn the lights off ♪

♪ Carry me home ♪

♪ Keep your head still ♪

♪ I'll be your thrill ♪

♪ I'll be your thrill ♪

♪ The night will go on ♪

♪ My little windmill ♪

♪ Say it ain't so ♪

♪ I will not go ♪

♪ I will not go ♪

♪ Turn the lights off ♪

♪ Carry me home ♪

♪ Keep your head still ♪

♪ I'll be your thrill ♪

♪ I'll be your thrill ♪

♪ The night will go on ♪

♪ The night will go on ♪

♪ My little windmill ♪

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

[rock music]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

- Your next performer, Australia didn't want him.

So America took him in.

So America took him in.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Jim-Motherfucking-Jefferies!

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Adam DeVine!

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

Wow.

This is, uh...

this is very exciting for me.

I, uh, very early on in my life,

I, uh, very early on in my life,

I wanted to be a singer.

I actually studied musical theater at university,

and I dreamed of being a singer--

and I dreamed of being a singer--

actually sang for the Australian Opera twice.

That's not a big achievement.

It's...

It's...

What happened was,

I thought I was gonna be a singer, and I smoked,

and I--coke, and drank, and sang too much, and...

and I--coke, and drank, and sang too much, and...

I fucking blew my voice out and I had nodules.

And they cut the nodules off, and a doctor said

And they cut the nodules off, and a doctor said

that I would never, ever sing again.

And I'm here to prove him right.

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

So during that time with my nodules,

I was silent for three months. I couldn't talk.

I was silent for three months. I couldn't talk.

I just had to sit there with a pad,

and I knew I'd never sing again.

I thought, "what will I do for a job?"

I thought, "what will I do for a job?"

And I started watching Eddie Murphy's "Delirious"

and Richard Pryor's "Live in Concert"

and I watched them over and over and over again,

and I watched them over and over and over again,

and I decided the first thing I would say

when I could talk again is, "I want to be a comedian."

when I could talk again is, "I want to be a comedian."

And that's what I did. I became a comedian.

I was heavily influenced by those two comics.

I used to tell a lot of stories about how hard it is

I used to tell a lot of stories about how hard it is

to be black man living in Sydney.

Then you cut to 15 years later,

I was in the Soho House in London.

I was all fucked up.

I was in the bar, and I saw Russell Brand.

I was in the bar, and I saw Russell Brand.

Russell Brand was a radio DJ in Britain before he came out here.

And he did a radio stunt where he rang up Manuel

And he did a radio stunt where he rang up Manuel

from "Fawlty Towers."

We all know the sitcom, "Fawlty Towers."

Manuel from "Fawlty Towers."

Manuel from "Fawlty Towers."

An actor called Andrew Sachs.

And he left some voice messages on Andrew Sachs' phone

that went like this, "I fucked your granddaughter."

that went like this, "I fucked your granddaughter."

Now...

He left a few of them.

He left a few of them.

Now, a few people thought that was in poor taste,

ringing a man up and saying, "I fucked your granddaughter."

So after that, they ring every single comedian up

So after that, they ring every single comedian up

who's seen to be offensive, and they asked the question,

"when has comedy gone too far?"

"when has comedy gone too far?"

And they rang me up, and I said, "Well, look,

"I'll never tell a comic when not to say a joke,

"but yes, I think in this case, he probably shouldn't have

"but yes, I think in this case, he probably shouldn't have

rung her grandfather up."

And then the reporter said,

"What about when you fucked her?"

"What about when you fucked her?"

Now, I have to cut back...

Now, I have to cut back...

I was at the Edinburgh Festival, I was a young comic,

and I fucked Manuel from "Fawlty Towers'" granddaughter.

and I fucked Manuel from "Fawlty Towers'" granddaughter.

But--

[cheers and applause]

The difference between me and Russell Brand is,

The difference between me and Russell Brand is,

I didn't ring her grandfather up.

I'm just telling the story on television

many, many years later.

So anyway, I'm in Soho House and I bump into Russell Brand.

So anyway, I'm in Soho House and I bump into Russell Brand.

Now, I'm completely drunk, he's been sober for years.

And I walk up, and he sees me and he goes,

"Oh, Jim Jefferies, so wonderful to see you."

"Oh, Jim Jefferies, so wonderful to see you."

Like...

And I said, "Mate, you owe me a fucking drink, mate."

And I said, "Mate, you owe me a fucking drink, mate."

And he goes, "Why would I ever owe you a drink?"

And I said, "Because I had sex with

Manuel from "Fawlty Towers'" granddaughter, as well,

Manuel from "Fawlty Towers'" granddaughter, as well,

"and I didn't tell anyone, but I got a lot of shit,

because you did it."

And he went, "Oh, wasn't she grubby? She needed a wash."

And he went, "Oh, wasn't she grubby? She needed a wash."

At this stage, I'm drunk, talking to Russell,

I've known him for a few years,

And in walks in Noel Gallagher from Oasis.

And in walks in Noel Gallagher from Oasis.

Now, I love Oasis, and he he's sober as well,

but I freak out, like, "Noel Gallagher, it's Noel Gallagher."

but I freak out, like, "Noel Gallagher, it's Noel Gallagher."

And so he comes and joins Russell, they're best mates,

and it's like the three of us are a group now.

and it's like the three of us are a group now.

We're just standing, and I'm like--[mumbles]

Just joining in with the conversation, and eventually,

Just joining in with the conversation, and eventually,

Noel just looks at me, and then turns to Russell and goes,

"Who's this guy?"

Right?

Right?

And Russell goes, "Ooh, I'm ever so sorry,

this is the wonderful Jim Jefferies."

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

And then Noel put his hand out and said,

"What do you do?"

And I said, "I fucked Manuel from "Fawlty Towers'"

And I said, "I fucked Manuel from "Fawlty Towers'"

granddaughter, as well."

[cheers and applause]

So I'm gonna do an Oasis song now.

So I'm gonna do an Oasis song now.

[cheers and applause]

[Oasis's "Wonderwall" playing]

Okay, we're gonna sing "Wonderwall."

Okay, we're gonna sing "Wonderwall."

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Today is gonna be the day ♪

♪ But they'll never throw it back to you ♪

♪ But they'll never throw it back to you ♪

♪ By now you should've somehow ♪

♪ Realized what you got to do ♪

♪ I don't believe that anybody ♪

♪ I don't believe that anybody ♪

♪ Feels the way I do

♪ About you now ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Back beat the word is on the street ♪

♪ Back beat the word is on the street ♪

♪ That the fire in your heart is out ♪

♪ I'm sure you've heard it all before ♪

♪ But you never really had a doubt ♪

♪ But you never really had a doubt ♪

♪ I don't believe that anybody ♪

♪ Feels the way I do ♪

♪ Feels the way I do ♪

♪ About you now ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And all the roads we have to walk ♪

♪ Are winding ♪

♪ And all the lights that lead us there ♪

♪ And all the lights that lead us there ♪

♪ Are blinding ♪

♪ There are many things that I ♪

♪ There are many things that I ♪

♪ Would like to say to you ♪

♪ But I don't know how ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ 'Cause maybe ♪

♪ 'Cause maybe ♪

♪ You're gonna be the one that ♪

♪ Saves me ♪

♪ Saves me ♪

♪ And after all ♪

♪ You're my wonderwall ♪

♪ You're my wonderwall ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Today was gonna be the day ♪

♪ Today was gonna be the day ♪

♪ But they'll never throw it back to you ♪

♪ By now you should've somehow ♪

♪ Realized what you got to do ♪

♪ Realized what you got to do ♪

♪ I don't believe that anybody ♪

♪ Feels the way I do ♪

♪ Feels the way I do ♪

♪ About you now ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And all the roads ♪

♪ We have to walk ♪

♪ Are winding ♪

♪ And all the lights ♪

♪ And all the lights ♪

♪ That lead us there ♪

♪ Are blinding ♪

♪ There are many things that I ♪

♪ There are many things that I ♪

♪ Would like to say to you ♪

♪ But I don't know how ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ 'Cause maybe ♪

♪ 'Cause maybe ♪

♪ You're gonna be the one ♪

♪ That saves me ♪

♪ That saves me ♪

♪ And after all ♪

♪ You're my wonderwall ♪

♪ You're my wonderwall ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I said maybe ♪

♪ I said maybe ♪

♪ You're gonna be the one that ♪

♪ Saves me ♪

♪ Saves me ♪

- ♪ Saves me ♪ - ♪ Saves me ♪

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

[rock music]

[rock music]

[rock music]

- Welcome back to the "Goddamn Comedy Jam"!

- Welcome back to the "Goddamn Comedy Jam"!

[cheers and applause]

Please welcome to the stage

Please welcome to the stage

Natasha Leggero!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm from a town called Rockford, Illinois.

[cheers]

[cheers]

Cheap Trick is from Rockford, so...

That's the one good thing.

That's the one good thing.

Rick Nielsen, one of the greatest living guitar players.

He still lives there.

But my brother, he's the only other person

But my brother, he's the only other person

I know who lives--well, and he lives in a van

that he put an address on.

that he put an address on.

And...

you guys have, like, a problem child in your family?

Okay, Louie has to drink a 24-pack of Old Milwaukee.

Okay, Louie has to drink a 24-pack of Old Milwaukee.

A day.

Just to kind of--and it can only be Old Milwaukee.

Just to kind of--and it can only be Old Milwaukee.

Like, one time, I bought him Trader Joe's beer,

and he was like--[screams].

and he was like--[screams].

I recently went home to my Nana's funeral,

and I was there, sitting--

and I was there, sitting--

we were there sitting in the pew,

and all of a sudden, we're in this Catholic church,

and Louie stands up, and he's in his court suit,

and Louie stands up, and he's in his court suit,

and he's like...

and he's like...

the whole family's, like, staring, like,

"what's gonna happen?"

They're in the middle of the eulogy,

and he's just like, "I fucking love you, Nana!"

and he's just like, "I fucking love you, Nana!"

[cheers and applause]

So then, we're at the after party, or whatever.

What's the funeral, after the...

What's the funeral, after the...

the body?

Okay.

So we're there, and Louie

has taken off his button-up,

has taken off his button-up,

so now he's got a t-shirt on that has an AK-47 on it,

that reads, uh, "this is my other dick."

that reads, uh, "this is my other dick."

So...

I'm like, "Louie, where did you get that shirt?

I'm like, "Louie, where did you get that shirt?

Why are you wearing it at Nana's funeral?"

And he's like, "I got it at the Two Wheel Inn."

And I'm like, "What's the Two Wheel Inn?

And I'm like, "What's the Two Wheel Inn?

I never heard of this place."

And he's like, "You know, it's my biker bar."

And I was like, "Oh, and they sell clothes?"

He's like, "Yeah.

He's like, "Yeah.

Tons of racist t-shirts and pro-guns and Republican."

I'm like--as a comedian, I feel like it was my duty

I'm like--as a comedian, I feel like it was my duty

to go see what was happening.

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

So I walk into this bar,

and the woman's like,

"What're you doing here?"

"What're you doing here?"

And I was like, "Um..."

And I'm looking at her t-shirt selection behind her,

and I was like, "Uh, how much for the

and I was like, "Uh, how much for the

"'speak English or get the fuck out' shirt?

I'm just trying to fit in."

I'm just trying to fit in."

And she's kind of rude to me, and I'm just sitting there,

I'm like, "This is a terrible idea."

And so then I try to, like, ingratiate myself,

And so then I try to, like, ingratiate myself,

I'm like, "Um, I'm Louie's sister, by the way."

And all of a sudden, her whole demeanor changes,

And all of a sudden, her whole demeanor changes,

and she's like, "Louie? We love Louie!"

and she's like, "Louie? We love Louie!"

And then she motions to, like, this whole group of

ZZ Top extras.

And she's like, "Guys, this is Louie's sister!"

And she's like, "Guys, this is Louie's sister!"

And then all these guys are like,

"Louie? Where the hell has Louie been?"

"Louie? Where the hell has Louie been?"

And I was like, "You know, he's been spending the night

in Leaf River."

in Leaf River."

And then, all of a sudden, it got silent.

And this guy steps forward, who I can only describe as

And this guy steps forward, who I can only describe as

obese Willie Nelson.

And he has--you know, like, his beard, is like,

And he has--you know, like, his beard, is like,

every six inches is like a ponytail holder.

That look.

That look.

He steps forward, and he's like,

"Only one house in Leaf River,

"Only one house in Leaf River,

and that belongs to my wife."

And I'm like, "Well, I'm sure you'd know if

And I'm like, "Well, I'm sure you'd know if

Louie's been having sex with your wife."

And he's like, "I work the night shift."

And he's like, "I work the night shift."

And then all of a sudden, everyone just starts, like,

there's, like, murmuring, and I'm like,

"Oh, my God, what's gonna happen?"

"Oh, my God, what's gonna happen?"

And then Cheap Trick's "Surrender"

comes on the jukebox, and...

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

I realized, compared to these people,

I realized, compared to these people,

Louie's all right.

He just seems a little weird.

And...

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

Ladies and gentlemen, here to help me sing this song,

all the way from Rockford, Illinois,

please welcome, Cheap Trick's own Rick Nielsen!

please welcome, Cheap Trick's own Rick Nielsen!

[cheers and applause]

[Cheap Trick's "Surrender" [playing]

[Cheap Trick's "Surrender" [playing]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Mother told me ♪

♪ Yes, she told me ♪

♪ I'd meet girls like you ♪

♪ I'd meet girls like you ♪

♪ She also told me ♪

♪ Stay away ♪

♪ You'll never know what ♪

♪ You'll catch ♪

♪ You'll catch ♪

♪ Just the other day I heard ♪

♪ Of a soldier's falling off ♪

♪ Of a soldier's falling off ♪

♪ Some Indonesian junk ♪

♪ Some Indonesian junk ♪

♪ That's going round ♪

♪ Mommy's all right ♪

♪ Mommy's all right ♪

♪ Daddy's all right ♪

♪ They just seem a little weird ♪

♪ Surrender ♪

♪ Surrender ♪

♪ Surrender ♪

♪ But don't give yourself away ♪

♪ But don't give yourself away ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Whatever happened ♪

♪ To all this season's ♪

♪ Losers of the year ♪

♪ Losers of the year ♪

♪ Every time I got to thinking ♪

♪ Every time I got to thinking ♪

♪ Where'd they disappear ♪

♪ When I woke up ♪

♪ Mom and Dad were ♪

♪ Mom and Dad were ♪

♪ Rolling on the couch ♪

♪ Rolling numbers ♪

♪ Rolling numbers ♪

♪ Rock and rollin' ♪

♪ Got my KISS records out ♪

♪ Your Mommy's all right ♪

♪ Your Mommy's all right ♪

♪ Your Daddy's all right ♪

♪ They just seem a little weird ♪

♪ They just seem a little weird ♪

♪ Surrender ♪

♪ Surrender ♪

♪ But don't give yourself away ♪

♪ But don't give yourself away ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Away ♪

♪ ♪

- Oh, yeah!

- Oh, yeah!

- ♪ Surrender ♪

♪ Surrender ♪

♪ But don't give yourself away ♪

♪ But don't give yourself away ♪

♪ Surrender ♪

♪ Surrender ♪

♪ Surrender ♪

♪ But don't give yourself away ♪

♪ Surrender ♪

♪ Surrender ♪

♪ Surrender ♪

♪ But don't give yourself away ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

[rock music]

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

- Hey, it's the "Goddamn Comedy Jam,"

where comics get to work out their dysfunctional childhoods

where comics get to work out their dysfunctional childhoods

to the gift of song.

[cheers and applause]

Our next performer does masterful impressions

and more on "SNL."

I love him.

I love him.

Please give it up for Jay Pharoah!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

- How y'all feeling, y'all good?

[cheers and applause]

Shit!

Shit!

Oh.

Before I even get started, man, oh, my God, listen,

I got to give a big shout-out to Justin Bieber and that album.

I got to give a big shout-out to Justin Bieber and that album.

Oh, my God, it is the shit.

Listen, he got a song up there that say,

Listen, he got a song up there that say,

♪ Where are you now that I need ya ♪

Then it goes like this--

[shrieking] ♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

That is--that is the craziest noise I have heard in my life.

That is--that is the craziest noise I have heard in my life.

And literally-- fellas, fellas, it was like

And literally-- fellas, fellas, it was like

you was holding back the biggest load, right?

And you were just like, "Oh, oh, oh--"

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

"Oh, my God, it's everywhere, it's everywhere!

"It's in the tomato soup, how did it get in the soup?

It's in the soup."

It's in the soup."

Listen, man, I shout-out to Justin Bieber,

'cause you know what?

He's doing a lot better in the woman department than I'm doing.

He's doing a lot better in the woman department than I'm doing.

Like for instance, I tried to date this one chick

and she drugged me.

Mm-hmm.

I was at a all-white party.

I was at a all-white party.

Not 'cause of the clothes, just 'cause

everybody was white, right?

everybody was white, right?

Look, her girlfriend came out and said,

"We gonna do some drugs."

So I said, "Hey, where's the weed at?"

She said, "No, no, no, no, no.

She said, "No, no, no, no, no.

We're not doing hard-core drugs today."

In what universe is weed a hard-core drug?

In what universe is weed a hard-core drug?

And what exactly are we about to indulge in here, you know?

And what exactly are we about to indulge in here, you know?

What, we 'bout to pop omega fish pills, or some shit like that?

We about to freebase Flintstone vitamins?

We about to freebase Flintstone vitamins?

Like, what the fuck is going on?

So she came out, she was like,

"No, no, no, no, soft-core, like Molly."

"No, no, no, no, soft-core, like Molly."

I said, "Molly? Nigga, no."

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

She say--

she say--she say, "Whatever, whatever,

she say--she say, "Whatever, whatever,

it's here if you want it."

♪ Whoo-ooh-ohh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ohh! ♪

That's how I knew I ain't wanting that shit.

She involuntarily did the Justin Bieber noise.

I said, "I don't want to fuck with this shit."

I said, "I don't want to fuck with this shit."

So look, only thing I wanted the whole night

was a glass of champagne, right?

And you got to understand something, L.A.,

And you got to understand something, L.A.,

I drink everything the same.

I don't give a fuck what it is.

It can be a cup of cyanide, that bitch going down in one gulp.

It can be a cup of cyanide, that bitch going down in one gulp.

That's how I do, right?

So...

so they put it out in front of me, right?

so they put it out in front of me, right?

They put it out in front of me.

And naturally, I drink it fast.

Now everybody starts laughing.

I calmly said, "What're you white people laughing at?"

I calmly said, "What're you white people laughing at?"

Her girlfriend say, "Not only did you just drink Molly,

but you drank six doses of it."

I said, "What?"

Like, literally, this is how my face was looking--"What?"

I literally looked like Lamar Odom and Bobby Brown

fucked each other and had a love child.

fucked each other and had a love child.

That's how the hell I looked, right?

So...

what they tell you about this drug

is that it makes you feel the best

is that it makes you feel the best

that you've ever felt in your life.

What they neglect to tell you, fellas,

is that if you take enough of this,

is that if you take enough of this,

your penis will not work.

Because--me and the girl started making out,

and the signals just weren't going down there, like--

and the signals just weren't going down there, like--

and I'm straight as a right angle,

you know what I'm talking about?

I'm sitting there trying to hump the girl,

and it's just not working.

and it's just not working.

I was like, "No. No!"

I turned Kevin Hart--

"No!

"No!

"Bam, heh, bam.

"Bam, heh, bam.

"First of all, you should've told me about this drug,

"and what it does.

"That's your first damn problem--bam!

"Second problem is, I'm sitting here..."

"Second problem is, I'm sitting here..."

[cheers and applause]

"Now I'm sitting here with a retarded dick.

"My dick is like, 'Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.'

I wasn't ready! Oh, my God!"

So all of a sudden, I'm so high,

that I see imaginary Justin Bieber

come in my damn room.

So Justin Bieber is in my room at this point.

And now he's talking to me.

And now he's talking to me.

[mimics Justin Bieber] "Yo, Jay...

[mimics Justin Bieber] "Yo, Jay...

watch porn for, like, five hours."

I watched porn for five hours...

I watched porn for five hours...

and then imaginary Justin Bieber took his hand,

and he pointed right here.

and he pointed right here.

At he was like where are you now?

And it was like this.

[laughs]

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

But listen, that song is dope, so I'm gonna

perform it for y'all tonight.

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

"Where Are U Now." Here we go.

[Justin Bieber's "Where Are U Now" playing]

- ♪ I need you ♪

- ♪ I need you ♪

♪ I need you to ♪

♪ I need you ♪

♪ I need to, to, to, to, to ♪

♪ I need you to ♪

♪ I need you ♪

♪ I need you ♪

♪ I need you to ♪

♪ I need you ♪

♪ I need you to, to, to, to, to, to ♪

♪ I need you to ♪

♪ I need you the most ♪

♪ I need you the most ♪

- ♪ I gave you the key ♪

♪ When the door wasn't open ♪

♪ Just admit it ♪

♪ Just admit it ♪

♪ See, I gave you faith ♪

♪ Turned your doubt into hoping ♪

♪ Turned your doubt into hoping ♪

♪ Can't deny it ♪

♪ Now I'm all alone ♪

♪ And my joys turned to moping ♪

♪ And my joys turned to moping ♪

♪ Tell me where are you now ♪

♪ That I need ya? ♪

♪ That I need ya? ♪

♪ Where are you now? ♪

♪ Where are you now that I need ya? ♪

♪ Where are you now that I need ya? ♪

♪ Couldn't find you anywhere ♪

♪ When you broke down ♪

♪ When you broke down ♪

♪ I didn't leave ya ♪ - ♪ Leave ya ♪

- ♪ I was by your side ♪

- ♪ I was by your side ♪

♪ So where are you now ♪

♪ That I need ya? ♪

♪ That I need ya? ♪

[cheers]

Here we go.

Here we go.

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Where you now that I need ya? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Where are you now that I need ya? ♪

♪ Where are you now that I need ya? ♪

♪ I gave you attention ♪

♪ I gave you attention ♪

♪ When nobody else was paying ♪

♪ Mm-mm-mm ♪

♪ Mm-mm-mm ♪

♪ I gave you the shirt off my back ♪

♪ What you saying? ♪

♪ To keep you warm ♪

♪ To keep you warm ♪

♪ I showed you the game ♪

♪ Everybody else was playing ♪

♪ Everybody else was playing ♪

♪ That's for sure ♪

♪ And I was on my knees ♪

♪ When nobody else was praying ♪

♪ When nobody else was praying ♪

♪ Oh, Lord ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Where are you now that I need ya? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Where are you now that I need ya? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Where are you now that I need ya? ♪

♪ Where are you now that I need ya? ♪

- ♪ I need you to I need you ♪ - Here we go!

- ♪ I need you to ♪

♪ I need you ♪

- Here we go! - ♪ I need you the most ♪

- Here we go! - ♪ I need you the most ♪

- Here we go!

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh! ♪

♪ Where you now that I need ya? ♪

♪ Where you now that I need ya? ♪

Thank y'all so much!

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, yeah!

Yeah, yeah!

[rock music]

[rock music]

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

Hey, our next performer

has the biggest DSLs on "SNL."

has the biggest DSLs on "SNL."

Y'all know what that means, I ain't got to explain it.

Y'all give it up for my homeboy, Pete Davidson!

Y'all give it up for my homeboy, Pete Davidson!

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Thank you, guys.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Give it up for Jay Pharoah.

Right?

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

The Goddamn Comedy Band, right?

[cheers and applause]

Fucking sick.

Fucking sick.

I fucking love doing this show.

This is my favorite show.

This is my favorite show.

Any comedian will tell you that their first goal

was to be a rock star or a pop star,

was to be a rock star or a pop star,

so this is, like, all of us are just having

the time of our lives up here, you know?

the time of our lives up here, you know?

We are, you know?

This is the most fun I've ever had,

and I used to open up for Nick Cannon.

and I used to open up for Nick Cannon.

No, I'm so happy to be here, you know?

I love rap music, it's my favorite.

I love rap music, it's my favorite.

Yeah, I used to get bullied, 'cause I wanted

to be a rapper in high school.

I wanted to be a rapper.

I wanted to be a rapper.

And my name would be VIPete.

And my name would be VIPete.

It's kind of a do--right?

You know, it's kind of good.

It's kind of a dope name.

It's kind of a dope-- you can agree, it's a good name.

It's kind of a dope-- you can agree, it's a good name.

But I always used to listen to hip-hop.

Never had friends, so I used to just hang out

Never had friends, so I used to just hang out

and listen to hip-hop, 'cause it would be motivating

and hip-hop makes you feel good about yourself.

But the weird thing would be, like, my friends

are all in their mid-30s, early 40s.

are all in their mid-30s, early 40s.

So, like, they like a different type of hip-hop.

Like, they love Biggie in the way--I like Biggie, too.

Like, they love Biggie in the way--I like Biggie, too.

But the way that-- all right, relax.

Uh, yeah, he's not here, obviously.

Uh, yeah, he's not here, obviously.

Yeah.

I know, that wasn't easy, but you threw it up,

I know, that wasn't easy, but you threw it up,

and I fucking dunked it, so fuck all of you, how's that?

Um, anyway...

[cheers and applause]

No, but when my older friends talk about Biggie,

No, but when my older friends talk about Biggie,

like, they talk about him like, they're like,

"Haha, Notorious."

"Haha, Notorious."

You know, they feel it.

They're like--[mumbles].

"He would've been the best."

They're like, "If he was alive today,

They're like, "If he was alive today,

"he would've been the best, you know?

It's so sad that he died."

And I always try to make them feel better,

'cause I feel for them, and I'm like,

'cause I feel for them, and I'm like,

"It's probably better that he died back then, then, like, now

of, like, natural causes."

of, like, natural causes."

You know? Yeah.

It's better he got shot than it be, like, a burger

It's better he got shot than it be, like, a burger

that took Biggie down.

that took Biggie down.

"Biggie died on Crenshaw," What happened?

"Burger.

It was a burger."

It was a burger."

My favorite rapper is Coolio.

I love Coolio.

I love Coolio.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah.

He's still alive, you know?

He's been alive forever, and he's a cook, so, you know,

He's been alive forever, and he's a cook, so, you know,

he's healthy and he's not going anywhere.

He's a reliable guy to love.

He's a reliable guy to love.

Like, I never wake up like, "Oh, what's happened to Coolio?"

You know what I mean?

I know he's out there somewhere.

I know he's out there somewhere.

Love fucking Coolio, he's the man.

First time I ever heard "Gangsta's Paradise,"

First time I ever heard "Gangsta's Paradise,"

was in a movie.

Yeah? Right?

Most of you probably know the song from "Dangerous Minds."

Most of you probably know the song from "Dangerous Minds."

I wasn't alive when that was a thing.

I know it from "Pain and Gain,"

the weight lifting Michael Bay movie.

the weight lifting Michael Bay movie.

So...

And another reason why I love listening to

And another reason why I love listening to

"Gangsta's Paradise" is there's no N-words in it,

so, like, I can sing it drunk and not, like, fuck up.

so, like, I can sing it drunk and not, like, fuck up.

You know what I mean?

It's--like, I could sing it confidently

all the way through, no matter where I am.

I don't have to worry.

I grew up in Staten Island, and when you grow up

in Staten Island, you're just probably gonna be

in Staten Island, you're just probably gonna be

a construction worker that beats his wife.

Like, you know?

Like, that's--it's like the best you could do.

Like, that's--it's like the best you could do.

You know?

So I would listen to "Gangsta's Paradise"

and it would make me-- you know, like, maybe I can

get out of Staten Island.

get out of Staten Island.

So without further ado, uh,

let's fucking rock the fuck out.

You guys ready?

All right, let's go!

All right, let's go!

Hey, put your motherfucking hands up!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

[Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise" playing]

[Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise" playing]

♪ ♪

♪ As I walk through the valley ♪

♪ Of the shadow of death ♪

♪ I take a look at my life ♪

♪ And realize there's nothing left ♪

♪ And realize there's nothing left ♪

♪ 'Cause I've been brassing ♪

♪ And laughing so long ♪

♪ That even my mama thinks ♪

♪ That my mind is gone ♪

♪ That my mind is gone ♪

♪ But I ain't never crossed a man ♪

♪ That didn't deserve it ♪

♪ Me be treated like a punk ♪

♪ You know that's unheard of ♪

♪ You know that's unheard of ♪

♪ You better watch how you talking ♪

♪ And where you walking ♪

♪ Or you and your homies might be ♪

♪ Lined in chalk ♪

♪ Lined in chalk ♪

- ♪ I really hate to trip ♪ - Coolio!

- ♪ But I got to lope ♪

♪ As they croak I see myself ♪

♪ In the pistol smoke ♪

♪ In the pistol smoke ♪

♪ Fool I'm the kind of G ♪

♪ That little homies want to be ♪

♪ Like on my knees in the night ♪

♪ Saying prayers in the street light ♪

♪ Saying prayers in the street light ♪

♪ They been spending most their lives ♪

♪ Living in the gangsta's paradise ♪

- Put your motherfucking hands up!

- Put your motherfucking hands up!

- ♪ Been spending most our lives ♪

♪ Living in the gangsta's paradise ♪

♪ Living in the gangsta's paradise ♪

- Say what?

- ♪ We keep spending most our lives ♪

♪ Living in the gangsta's paradise ♪

♪ Living in the gangsta's paradise ♪

- I can't hear you!

- ♪ We keep spending most our lives ♪

♪ Living in the gangsta's paradise ♪

♪ Living in the gangsta's paradise ♪

- ♪ Look at the situation ♪

♪ They got me facing ♪

♪ I can't live a normal life ♪

♪ I was raised by the strip ♪

♪ I was raised by the strip ♪

♪ So I got to be down ♪

♪ With the hood team ♪

♪ Too much television watching ♪

♪ Got me chasing dreams ♪

♪ Got me chasing dreams ♪

♪ I'm a educated fool ♪

♪ With money on my mind ♪

♪ Got my ten in my hand ♪

♪ And a gleam in my eye ♪

♪ And a gleam in my eye ♪

♪ I'm a loped out gangsta ♪

♪ Set trippin' banger ♪

♪ And my homies is down ♪

♪ So don't arouse my anger, fool ♪

♪ So don't arouse my anger, fool ♪

- ♪ Death ain't nothing ♪

♪ But a heartbeat away ♪

♪ I'm living life do or die ♪

both: ♪ What can I say ♪

both: ♪ What can I say ♪

- ♪ I'm 23 now ♪

♪ Will I live to see 24? ♪

♪ The way things is going ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

- ♪ Tell me why are we ♪

- ♪ Tell me why are we ♪

♪ So blind to see ♪

♪ That the ones ♪

♪ We hurt ♪

♪ Are you and me ♪

- That's right.

- That's right.

- ♪ Been spending most our lives ♪

♪ Living in the gangsta's paradise ♪

- Yeah! - Say what?

- Yeah! - Say what?

- ♪ Been spending most our lives ♪

♪ Living in the gangsta's paradise ♪

- I can't hear you!

- I can't hear you!

- ♪ We keep spending most our lives ♪

♪ Living in the gangsta's paradise ♪

- Louder!

- Louder!

- ♪ We keep spending most our lives ♪

♪ Living in the gangsta's paradise ♪

♪ Living in the gangsta's paradise ♪

- ♪ Power and the money ♪

♪ Money and the power ♪

♪ Minute after minute ♪

♪ Hour after hour ♪

♪ Hour after hour ♪

- ♪ Everybody's running ♪

♪ But half of them ain't looking ♪

both: ♪ What's going on in the kitchen ♪

- ♪ But I don't know what's cooking ♪

- ♪ But I don't know what's cooking ♪

- ♪ They say I've got to learn ♪

♪ But nobody's here to teach me ♪

♪ If they can't understand it ♪

both: ♪ How can they reach me? ♪

both: ♪ How can they reach me? ♪

- ♪ I guess they can't ♪

- ♪ I guess they won't ♪

♪ I guess they front ♪

both: ♪ That's how I know ♪

♪ My life is out of luck, fool ♪

♪ My life is out of luck, fool ♪

- ♪ Been spending most our lives ♪

♪ Living in the gangsta's paradise ♪

- Say what?

- Say what?

- ♪ Been spending most our lives ♪

- ♪ Living in the gangsta's paradise ♪

♪ Tell me why are we ♪

♪ Tell me why are we ♪

♪ So blind to see ♪

♪ That the ones we hurt ♪

♪ That the ones we hurt ♪

♪ Are you and me ♪

- ♪ Tell me why are we ♪

- ♪ Tell me why are we ♪

♪ So blind to see ♪

♪ That the ones we hurt ♪

♪ That the ones we hurt ♪

- ♪ Are you and me ♪

♪ ♪

[screams]

[screams]

- Ugh! - Ugh!

- Ugh! - Ugh!

[screams]

[screams]

[cheers and applause]

- Give it up for Pete Davidson! - Coolio!

- Give it up for Pete Davidson! - Coolio!

Fucking Coolio!

- [chants] Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete!

[continues chanting]

[audiences chants "Pete"]

[cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause]

- Pete Davidson, everybody!

- All right, guys, uh, after party's at my house.

Coolio's gonna be there, so bring your dad.

Coolio's gonna be there, so bring your dad.

Goddamn Band, take us out!

[Queen's "We Are the Champions" playing]

- ♪ I've paid my dues ♪

- ♪ I've paid my dues ♪

♪ Time after time ♪

♪ Time after time ♪

♪ I've done my sentence ♪

♪ But committed no crime ♪

♪ But committed no crime ♪

- ♪ And bad mistakes ♪

- ♪ And bad mistakes ♪

♪ I've made a few ♪

♪ I've had my share of sand ♪

♪ Kicked in my face ♪

♪ But I've come through ♪

all: ♪ And it goes on ♪

♪ And on and on and on ♪

♪ And on and on and on ♪

- ♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ My friends ♪

♪ We'll keep on ♪

♪ We'll keep on ♪

- ♪ Fighting ♪

- ♪ Till the end ♪

all: ♪ We are the champions ♪

all: ♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ No time for losers ♪ - We ain't got no time.

all: ♪ 'Cause we are the champions ♪

all: ♪ 'Cause we are the champions ♪

♪ Of the world ♪

♪ Of the world ♪

- Get 'em, Pete.

- Petey-Pete Davidson!

- ♪ I've taken my bows ♪

- ♪ I've taken my bows ♪

♪ And my curtain calls ♪

♪ And my curtain calls ♪

♪ You brought me fame ♪

♪ And fortune and everything that goes with it ♪

♪ I thank you all ♪

♪ I thank you all ♪

- ♪ But it's been no bed of roses ♪

- ♪ But it's been no bed of roses ♪

♪ No pleasure cruise ♪

♪ I consider it a challenge ♪

♪ I consider it a challenge ♪

♪ Before the human race ♪

♪ And I ain't gonna lose ♪

all: ♪ And it goes on ♪

all: ♪ And it goes on ♪

♪ And on and on and on ♪

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ My friends ♪

♪ And we'll keep on fighting ♪

♪ And we'll keep on fighting ♪

♪ Till the end ♪

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ We are the champions ♪

- Of the world!

Of the world!

Of the world!

- Yeah!

[cheers and applause]

- That's what I'm talking about.

- That's what I'm talking about.

West side champions... - Check, check!

- West side champions.

- One more time!

- One more time!

- West side champion, goddamn it.