All language subtitles for Rustlers.Rhapsody.1985.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS (1)

(light music)

(dramatic music)

- [Peter] This is how
every Rex O'Herlihan movie

ever made always started.

It was the same every time.

And they made 52 of them in all

between the years 1938 and 1947.

(rustic music)

(distant gunshots pop)

(worrisome music)

- Sounds like trouble.

On, Wildfire, on!

(Wildfire whinnies)

Hyah!

(gunshots crack)

(bullet pings)

- [Peter] 1947 was the year

the lights sorta went out for Rex.

Yeah, he never did much after that.

Always made me kind of wonder

what one of these B
Westerns would look like,

you know, if they still made them today.

(explosion whooshes and booms)

(horses neigh)

(gunshots boom)

(intense music)

- Uh, on, Wildfire, on!

- [Narrator] In the first place,

the bad guys probably
wouldn't all be such cowards.

Rex probably wouldn't be so
damn perfect all the time.

(branch cracks)
(Rex thuds)

- Oh. (breathing heavily)

(warm music)
(fire crackling)

(Rex grunting)

(cabinet creaks)

(insects chirring)

(suspicious music)

(root crunches)

(Wildfire snorts)

(gentle rustic music)

(lively rustic music)

- Root's beginning to work.

♪ The prairie sun has
kissed the day goodbye ♪

♪ A-ooh ♪

- Yeah, it's definitely kicking in now.

♪ The wind behind me
sounds like it may cry ♪

Here we go.

♪ Now I hear the lonesome whistle ♪

♪ Of a quail ♪

♪ As I ride alone ♪

♪ Along the tumbleweed trail ♪

♪ The road ahead is as endless ♪

♪ As the one I've left behind ♪

♪ But there are no ties to hold me down ♪

♪ Because I was born the drifting kind ♪

♪ With just a faithful horse for company ♪

♪ And a saddle for my home ♪

♪ Yodelayhee, yodelayhee ♪

♪ lI ride alone ♪

♪ Yodelayhee, yodelayhee ♪

♪ lI ride alone ♪

♪ Woo;

Morning, ma'am.
- Morning.

(charming rustic music)

(patrons chatter)
(dogs yapping)

- Glass of warm milk, please.

Make it a sarsapairilla.

Uh, is this one of
those really tough bars?

Oh.

Well, let me have a
large glass of warm gin

served with a human hair in it.

- Coming up.

- This here story is about the time

the most wonderful and
interesting thing happened to Rex.

He met me.

Let me guess.

You're new here at Oakwood
Estates, aren't you, mister?

You buy me a drink, I'll
tell you what's going on.

- Bartender, make that two.

- Okay, okay. Here's what's happening.

Most of these people are
nobodies. Forget about them.

That group, those are the sheepherders.

They're the good guys. Work
hard, don't bother nobody.

But they smell god-awful.

Must be the sheep.

Makes you wanna Kill them sometimes.

Oh, yeah. (sputters)

(Peter coughs and whines)

Now, over here is the sheriff.

Obviously a corrupt old coward

who takes his orders from the colonel.

- The colonel?
- Yeah, the colonel.

The power-mad cattle baron
who really runs the town.

- Oh, yeah.
- Mm.

Can I have another drink?
I'm the town drunk, you know.

- Sure.
- Warm gin!

(spits) Hold the hair.

- Who's that, over there?

- Oh, that's Miss Tracy.

She solicits drinks, hooks on the side.

But you know, she doesn't
actually go to bed

with her customers.

She just talks dirty to them.

- And underneath that
exterior is a heart of gold.

- Yeah. How'd you know that?

- I know.
- Hmm.

Of course, I don't have to
pay for sex myself. (sputters)

(Peter chokes and whines)

You'll excuse me, won't you?

Hi, hi, wanna know what's going on?

(dark music)
(saloon doors thud)

- I smell sheep.

- Bad guys, work for the colonel.

- Now, there wouldn't happen

to be any sheepherders
in here, would there?

- I'm not wearing a gun.

And I'm not going to do anything

that might in any way cause you-

(gunshots boom)

- It's a tough town.

- Sorry about the table, saloon owner.

- Uh, that's okay, Blackie. No problem.

Since it's Tuesday, have a free drink.

It's on the house.

- Blackie, you can Kill
me too, if you want.

But I think it's exactly
this type of thing

that drives down property
values here in Oakwood Estates-

(gunshots boom)

- That was the town doctor.

I'm kidding. Just some real-estate guy.

- Sorry about that, Sheriff.

- Well, you certainly don't
have to apologize to me.

These fellows were driving you crazy.

I swear, sometimes I don't
know how you put up with it.

- Anybody else got anything to say?

- 1 do.

I think you're out of order, Blackie.

- What do you know?
You're just a prostitute!

Someone who sells her body

to anyone with the
financial wherewithal to-

- All right!

That'll be enough of that kind of talk.

- What in the hell are you?

- Just a stranger passing through.

- Where in the hell'd you get that shirt?

- How a person dresses
is nobody's business

but his or her own.

(patrons clamor)
(glass shatters)

- What?
- You heard me.

- You know what you look like to me?

You look like one of those fellas

who's attracted to other men.

(patrons gasp)

- This is just a warning.

If you or your men draw on me,

I'll shoot each man in the hand.

- In the hand?

- That's right.

- [Blackie] Not in the face or the chest?

- Nope.

- I don't like the idea of
getting shot in the hand.

- Then go home, Blackie.

- Go home?
- That's right.

- Go home?

- Yeah, and see someone
about your hearing.

- Draw your gun, prairie fairy.

- I never draw first.

- Well, hell. That's no problem.

(gunshot booms)

Well, don't just stand
there, boys. Get him.

Now!

(gunshot booms)

- Uh-oh.

- Now we've done it.

(gunshots boom)

- All right, you two.

Get your friend and get out of here.

- But he's dead.

- So what? Get him out of here.

- You ain't heard the
last of this, mister.

- I know. Believe me, I know.

- Mister, I, I never saw
shooting like that in my life.

You're good.

- Thanks, partner.

♪ A-ooh ♪

(jaunty rustic music)

- Was that as good for
you as it was for me?

- Yeah.

Excuse me. Excuse me there, stranger.

Uh, you got a place to stay?

- I got a campsite outside of town.

- Why don't you stay in the hotel?

- I never stay in town.

- Oh.

What's your name anyhow?

- I'm Rex O'Herlihan, The Singing Cowboy.

- The what?
- The Singing Cowboy!

- Oh, well, listen, Mr. O'Herlihan.

You got to be careful
here in Oakwood Estates.

This is a plenty dangerous town.

High-stakes power plays,

murder, robbery, intrigue, the works.

(Rex laughs dismissively)

You think that's funny?
This is the West, pal.

People are arbitrarily shot
to pieces left and right.

I mean, it is all so violent!

(Peter thuds)

Where was I?
- Huh?

Oh. "It's, it's all so violent."

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, see, this is the West.

and out in the West-

- I know all about the West.

I travel all over it, from town to town.

That's what I do.

- Yeah, yeah, but see, in this town-

- This town's no different
than any Western town.

They're all identical.

- They are?
- Uh-huh.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

In every town there's a bar
like the one we came from.

Oh, they might not all have

continuous entertainment like that

but they're basically the same.

The sheriff's totally stereotypical,

and so is the saloon
owner with that mustache-

- Oh, no, no, no. No.

Those guys are unique.

I'm sorry, but I just don't believe you.

- Okay.

Do you have a very pretty,

but somehow asexual new schoolmarm?

- Yeah.
(Rex chuckles)

- Is the blacksmith a friendly guy

who only gets mad when
somebody burns down his barn?

- Yeah.

- Is the editor of the
paper a young idealist

who's hocked everything for his press?

- Damn.

- See.

- Hey! Hey!

I know one thing that's-
(Peter grunts)

(horse whinnies)

I know one thing different
about Oakwood Estates.

I know that none of
these other towns have-

- A railroad coming through.

- Holy cow!

All Western towns have the
railroad coming through?

- Yep.

- Wait, wait, wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. One last thing.

Do all these towns have a town drunk?

- I'm not sure.

- Oh, come on.

(Rex whistles sharply)

You know.

- No, you're the first I ever met.

- Oh.

Oh, well, that's something
at least, isn't it?

- (chuckles) Sure is,
partner. You're one of a kind.

- Uh.

- You ought to, you ought to travel more.

Get out, see the world.

- You know, the most amazing thing

is that all these other towns
are as violent as this one.

- Yep. Hard to believe.

Yep. Adios, buckaroo.

On, Wildfire, on!

- [Peter] For some reason, the
bad guy was always a colonel

who had a beautiful, young daughter

and about 1,000 head of cattle

which you'd hear but never see.

(cows lowing)

(bell tolling)

- Let me just ask you one question.

There's one thing I'm most curious about.

Why bring the body here?

My God, this is a home. People live here!

- Well, Colonel, we didn't
know what to do with him.

- Bury him. How about that?

Don't you think that's a good idea?

- Oh, yeah. Yes, sir, Colonel.

- I mean, do you think when somebody dies

they place them permanently
on the family couch?

- No, sir.

- Gee whiz!

Well, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry. I'm
a little upset, that's all.

And the couch is new, and
Blackie was my best man.

Oh, poor Blackie.

Always acting so mean.

Always shooting people.

Well.

I saw something a little deeper than that.

I saw a man who could feel.

Who could touch.

- I think we should go.

- You say this stranger
shot Blackie in the back?

- Yes, sir.

And he got everybody in the
bar to say that we done it.

Now can you believe that?

- Then he's a coward and a liar!

You better take care of him.

- Uh, how do you mean?

- Shoot him!

End his life.

That's what I mean when I
say take care of somebody.

I want you to cut him open,
reach in with your bare hands-

- Hi, Daddy, am I interrupting?

- No, no.

I was just telling the boys
here how to bury Blackie.

- Daddy, can I have Wildfire
for my very, very own?

- Oh, please, Daddy. I'll
be careful, I promise.

- Wildfire is a lot of horse, little lady.

- Oh, Daddy, please!

If anybody can ride him, I can.

Please, please, please, please, please.

- Well, I guess you're right. He's yours.

- Oh, thank you, Daddy!

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Bury Blackie?

- Yeah, he's on the couch there, dead.

- No! (sobs)

- Uh, you and Blackie dated?

- Dated?

Oh, Daddy, we did everything
together. Everything.

- Oh, my God.

- I knew the real Blackie.

Oh, Daddy, he could feel. He could touch.

- Oh, my God!

Take care of her, men.

No, not that! Take her
upstairs is what I meant.

Gee whiz!

(Rex whistling)
(gentle music)

(serious music)

(gunshots crack)

(gunshots booming)

(cows lowing)

(gentle music)
(fire crackling)

- My dearest mother.

- Hey, hey. Shh, shh, shh.
(horses chuffing)

Quiet. Quiet.
- Shh, shh.

- Send $1,000

for supplies

and travel.

Thanking you

in advance.

- I am-
- Let's shoot him now.

- No. Let's be on the safe side.

We'll wait till he's asleep.

- [Rex] The Singing Cowboy.

(mischievous music)

- He's gone.
- He's not gone, you idiot.

He's somewhere out there in the dark.

He got the drop on us.

Howdy, stranger.

- Howdy.

- We're looking for someone named Betty.

- There's no Betty here.

- No Betty here?

Did you hear that, fellas?

I reckon we came to the wrong campsite.

- I reckon you did.
(wary music)

You fellas are making a big mistake.

- Oh? How's that?

- The way you positioned yourselves.

When the shooting starts,

you're likely to miss
me and hit each other.

(wary music)

- You think you're real
smart, don't you, fella?

- When I see something
that's obviously wrong,

I usually speak up.

- Well, I hope you're good
in arithmetic too, fella,

because there's only one of
you and there's five of us.

- Oh, that doesn't matter.

- How do you mean it doesn't matter?

- Just to be semi-fair,
I'll only use one gun.

(bandits chuckle)

- Oh, we've got a real
smart aleck on our hands,

haven't we, boys?

- All you have to do is draw.

- What if we don't wanna draw?

- Now, that would be fine with me.

Actually, I'd prefer it.

- But we do wanna draw. Don't we, men?

- Anytime, boys.

(confrontational music)

(gunshots boom)

(cows lowing)

(gentle music)

- You're the only one I
can turn to now, Wildfire.

You're like me.

You're wild and free and headstrong,

but you love me.

That's why I'm the only, only
person in the whole world

who can ride you.

(lips smack)

- I'm tired of getting shot in the hand.

- Oh, shut up.

- What are we gonna tell the colonel?

- Gonna tell him we need
help to kill this guy

and lots of it.

(Wildfire whinnying)
(Colonel's Daughter grunting)

(knocker raps)

- [Colonel] Who is it?

- A bunch of your men. Five of 'em.

- I'll be right there, men.

Did you kill him?

- Uh, no, not exactly.

- Not exactly?

- Well, we tried to kill him, Colonel,

but he shot us in the hands.

- In the hands?
- Yeah, it hurts too.

- Yeah, Colonel, I think we ought to talk

to the railroad men about
helping us Kill this guy.

- I don't like going to
the railroad for help.

- But this guy's faster on
the draw than Blackie was.

- Yeah, Colonel, and he never
misses what he's aiming at.

Well.

Maybe we should go to the railroad people.

Meantime, why don't you all come in,

make yourselves comfortable
and we'll gab about it.

- Well, we can't, Colonel.

We have to, you know, go to town,

see the doctor about our hands and...

- And it's a weeknight.
- Yeah.

- Oh, all right, good night!

Oh, by the way, have any
of you seen my daughter?

- No.
- No. No, sir, Colonel.

- Uh, she's probably out riding Wildfire.

Yeah, there's one little lady
who can take care of herself.

- Yessir.
- Help! Help!

Oh, help!
(Wildfire whinnies)

(desolate music)

(train chuffing)

- [Peter] In the '60s, they started making

these spaghetti Westerns.

I was always jealous of these guys

because they had better
background music than we did.

And they all got to wear
those great raincoats,

even when it was 110 in the shade.

Trouble was, you could hardly
understand anything they said.

- Colonel, don't you think

you and me ought to work together?

I mean, I know our, our
men dress differently,

but look what we have in common.

We're, we're both rich.
We're, we're both power-mad.

And we're both colonels.

Now, that's got to count for something.

(steam whistle toots)

Tell me.

Tell me about this stranger
who shoots men in the hand.

Could his presence here result
in an all-out range war?

- Well, maybe not a range war exactly,

but certainly a lot of killing.

You have my word on that, a lot of it!

- All right. Count us in.

- Oh, good, good, good.

Now, the first thing we have to do

is keep the element of surprise.

This fancy-shooting fella

has got to be kept completely in the dark

about what we're doing.

(spurs clinking)

- Hey, look!
(dramatic music)

- What the!?

- Somebody pull the emergency brake!

Quick!
- No! Don't!

(wheels screech)

(glass shatters)

- Get the horses!

- We can't, Colonel. We
left them at the station.

- Oh, you idiots!
(steam whistle toots)

- What were we supposed
to do, buy 'em tickets?

(steam hissing)

- Have you got three rifles
with telescopic sights?

- Yes.

(gunshots boom)

- You missed! How could you miss?

- Even with these sights,

we got a target 100
yards away, maybe more.

We've never fired these weapons before!

There's a definite wind factor,

and we've got a problem with the sun!

- Just shoot, okay?

(gunshots crack)

Well, hell, we're gonna be here all day.

(revolver clicks)

(gunshots crack)

(Wildfire neighs)
(rustic music)

- This isn't going to be easy, is it?

- [Rex] On, Wildfire, on!

(jaunty rustic music)

- Have you got a light?

- Yeah, I got a light.

Your butt and my face.

(smoker grumbles)

No, wait a minute.

I got a match.

Yeah, and it's, it's not your butt.

It's, uh, it's, uh,

it's my butt!

Yeah, my butt and,

my butt and...

Oh, hi, stranger, wanna
know what's going on?

- I'm the town doctor, you fool.

- Oh, yeah. Hi, Doc.

How's it going?

- Bartender, a shot of bourbon.

- I didn't recognize you at first.

You look like you seen a ghost.

- I've seen worse than that.

Where's the hair?
- It's in there.

- Last night, five men came to me,

all complaining of hand injuries.

Almost identical.

Just now, not more than 20 minutes ago,

three more men came in
with the same wound.

Is that just a coincidence?

- Well, what do you think it is, Doc?

- I can't be sure.

I don't want to start a panic,

but I think,

I think it's some kind of
bacteria that splits the skin.

Fortunately, so far, it's
just confined to males,

but who can tell?

I, I'm not prepared to
fight this kind of thing.

I don't have the tools, I
don't have the know-how.

I don't have the drugs!

- W- will you excuse me, Doc?
- Sure.

- Just talk?
- Uh-huh.

- That's it?
- That's it.

- For $600?
- Yeah.

- These are the 1880s, $600 is a fortune.

Los Angeles real estate's
going for 50 cents an acre.

An acre!

I can get a steak for a dime.

- Oh, that's wonderful.

- Hi, Miss Tracy.
- Hi.

Would you excuse me?

- [Announcer] Let's have
a really big hand now

for Christina-
- Okay.

- [Announcer] and her birds from Brazil.

- You wanted to see me, Miss Tracy?

- Yes.

You know that stranger in here yesterday?

The one whose trousers
virtually suck to his legs.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Where's he hanging out?

You know what I mean, hanging out?

- Yeah, yeah, he has a
campsite just outside of town.

- What's his name? You know, his handle.

- Rex O'Herlihan, The Singing Cowboy.

- The what?
- The Singing Cowboy.

- Well, I want him.

I want to...

♪ A-ooh ♪

(Rex chuckles)

- Tell the mule what happened.
Go on, tell him. (laughs)

(Wildfire whinnies)

Oh, it was something. Really something.

Those guys even had scoped rifles too.

Oh.

Yeah, it was incredible.

(fire whooshes)

I mean, I knew the whole plan, naturally,

but who cares about that?

The thing of it was,

the thing was jumping on top of Wildfire

and those guys hitting
the brakes. (laughs)

(Wildfire whinnies)
- Help.

(intense music)

- On, Wildfire, on!

- [Colonel's Daughter] Woo-hoo. Woo!

- Hyah!

- Hel
- — p!
Hyah!

(colonel's daughter yelps)

Whoa, whoa.

(bright fluttery music)

- Where am 1?

- Uh, in a small village,
just north of Oslo, Norway.

- Really?

- No.

Actually, you're a few miles
outside of Oakwood Estates.

- Oh, you were teasing me, weren't you?

- Yep.

- Oh, I like that.

- [Peter] (chuckles)
Every time Rex got close

to having some sort of
relationship with a girl,

you could bet something else would happen.

- Thanks for washing my dress.

- Oh, my pleasure.

I never have problems with
ground-in dirt stains.

Blood and chocolate are the tough ones.

- Ah. (chuckles)

Do you live around here?

Oh, you work around here, then.

You're on vacation.

- No, not really.

- I wanna thank you f-
- You know.

(both chuckle)

- You go.
- No, you.

- No, you.
- Well, what I was gonna say

was, um, that certainly
is some horse of yours.

- Yes! Oh, he's been dragging
me around since last night.

He's an Arabian. They have great stamina.

- Yeah, I know.

- His name is Wildfire.

- What?
- His name is Wildfire.

- Are you kidding me?
- No, I don't think so.

- My horse's name is Wildfire!

- No!
- Yes.

- Oh, that's amazing.

- That's an incredible
coincidence. It really is.

- Don't you just love
it, the name Wildfire?

- Yeah, it's the greatest, the best.

- Have you got any more of that plant?

- Oh, yeah, sure, there's
some in the, uh...

- What?
(cautious music)

What is it?
- Shh.

- [Colonel's Daughter]
Oh, don't worry about it.

You're just getting paranoid.

- Someone's coming.

- I don't hear anything.

- Trust me, someone's coming.

Look, I want you to hide
in those trees down there,

just for a little while.

- Why?

- Well, I mean, how does it look?

I mean, here you are, a nice
girl without any clothes on,

and, I'm, I'm, you know, a good guy.

I'd appreciate it.

- All right. In the trees?

- Yeah. Just for a couple
of minutes. Thank you.

- What's your name, by the way?

- Rex.

- Oh, my gosh.
- What?

- My dog's name is Rex.

- Ha!

(cautious music)

(saucy music)

- [Miss Tracy] Hello, Rex.

- Hi.

- [Miss Tracy] Remember me?

- [Rex] Yeah, you're, uh,
Miss Tracy, the town, uh...

- Hostess.

- Yeah. Right.

Howdy, ma'am.

- Howdy. (shudders)

Most men I know only have one gun.

- Huh?

Oh, sorry about that.

(owl hoots)

I'm kind of busy here.

I have to feed the fire and
keep the horses maintained.

- Come on, Rex, can't you
even offer a girl a drink?

Okay. One quick drink.

Why not?

I have a bottle of sherry
that my mother sent me.

Hasn't been opened since Christmas.

I don't usually drink
myself, you understand.

(thunder booms)

Okay, one little sherry then...

(saucy music)

- Well?

- Oh, Miss Tracy, you got
the wrong guy, really.

- I'm ready, Rex.

- Ready for what?

- A nice, long conversation.

- Oh, no, no, no, you don't understand.

I can't talk like that.

- So sing it.

- I'd love to, but I...
(wary music)

- What is it?

- Someone's coming.

- Someone's coming?
- Yeah, out there.

Aw.
- Oh.

- Look, y- you'd better
hide behind that boulder.

- Why?

- Why?
- Yeah.

- 'Cause you're in your underwear,

and I'm, you know what I
mean, I'm a straight shooter.

- Good.

- Oh, please get behind that
boulder. It won't be long.

As a special favor to me.

- Okay.

But you owe me. Hoo.

(distant coyotes yelping)

- Thank you so much.

(wary music)

(Rex gasps)

I thought I told you to hide in the trees.

- I heard a woman's voice.

- What? No, you didn't.

That was, uh, that's just
some old hoot owl hooting.

- Whose cape is this?

- Mine. This is just part of my stuff.

It's cold out here, don't you think?

- Rex, are you okay?

- I'm fine, fine, just fine.

Now, go hide in the trees.
I'll call you when it's safe.

- Okay.

- Oh, what a night!

(revolver clicks)

- Hi. Remember me?

- Sure, you're the town drunk.

- Yeah.

How do you like my new outfit?

- (sighs) It's nice, very nice.

- So is yours.
- Thank you.

- Mine's a sidekick outfit.
- I know.

- And, and you don't have
a sidekick, am I right?

- That's right.

- Well,

what about me?

- Now, look, uh, uh...

- Peter.
- Look, Peter, uh,

I don't have a sidekick.

I ride alone. That's my style.

- But you could use a
sidekick, couldn't you?

- No. No, sorry, but even my
theme song says I ride alone.

♪ Yodelayhee, yodelayhee, I ride alone ♪

- Change it.

- What do you mean, "change it"?

It took me four years to get that right.

- It did?
- And, now look.

There's no sidekick opening.

So if you'll excuse me, I have to, uh-

- Mr. O'Herlihan, now, look,
I could provide comedy relief.

What's gonna happen to
me in Oakwood Estates?

I'm just the town drunk.

I want more than that.
I wanna see the world.

I wanna see other towns at least.

- I told you, they're all the same.

- But you don't know that for sure.

- 1 do, Peter.

I know lots of things

and one thing I know for sure
is I can't have a sidekick,

even if I wanted one.

You see, I, (sighs) I know what happens.

I know the future.

- What?

- Look, please go.

- Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

I made a fool out of myself again.

I ought to just go back to
the gutter where I belong.

- Oh. What are you doing?

- I'm getting out of this stupid outfit.

I got my drunk suit here in the bag.

- [Miss Tracy] Can ]
have my drink, please?

- Who was that?

- Oh, just somebody who wants a drink.

The range is full of them.

- I dropped the blanket in the dark.

- That's okay. I'll find it tomorrow.

- You gave her a blanket?

I had to nearly rape
you for a lousy sherry.

- He rides alone? You're the
most un-alone guy I ever met.

Hey, look, I can explain all of this.

(wary music)

Oh, no.

- Now what?
- The sheepherders.

- The sheepherders?

Oh, Rex, they can't see me here.

I'm the cattle baron's daughter.

- You are?
- Mm-hmm.

- [Sheepherder] Mr. Rex.

- Over here!

Over here!

- [All] Hello.

- Hello.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Uh, we're a little informal tonight.

I wasn't expecting you till tomorrow.

- You knew we were coming?

- He knows the future.

- Uh, well, why don't you come on in.

Just grab a seat anywhere.

- Thank you.
- Anywhere you like.

Fine, fine. Good, good.

- Mr. Rex, we need your help.

- I know.
- You do?

Yesterday, in the bar, they shot my son.

- I'm sorry, I didn't
know he was your son.

- Oh, please, Mr. Rex, you must help us!

You are our only hope!

- I understand.

- Without you, we are doomed!

- I know.

- Doomed, I tell you! Doomed!

- Okay, he gets it. Okay?

What the hell's wrong with you?

- Uh, sir.
- Me?

- Yes. Don't worry.

I'm gonna help you.

Someone like me always helped you,

is helping you, and always will help you.

- What?

- Excuse me, what is this?

- It's just a root.
- Mm.

From now on, I'm the town root junkie.

(root crunches)

- Sir.
- What?

- I think you should know

that cattlemen have joined
forces with the railroad guys.

(sheepherder's wife shrieks)

- If you scream one more time,

I'm gonna tear your heart out.

Do you hear me?

- Sir, I cannot defeat the cattlemen

and the railroad guys by myself.

I'm gonna need the help
of every sheepherder.

- Oh, no, Mr. Rex, we don't fight.

We don't believe in that.

Let the old men who start
the wars fight the wars.

That's our motto.

- (sighs) Well, I'll fight them by myself.

It's not a big problem.

- No, you won't!

I'll fight 'em with you.

You and me together, Rex.
- No.

- Oh, give him a break,
Rex. He wants it so much.

You know what I'm saying?

- Oh, please!

- Then let him fight. He wants to fight.

He's a young man. Let him fight.

- Come on.
- You need somebody.

- Do something different for a change.

- Look, I'm the only one here

that knows what's gonna happen.

- He said he wants to
fight. Let him fight.

He's a young man.
(all chatter)

- [Peter] And that's how me
and Rex actually got together.

I'll never forget that next day.

(light-hearted music)

I think at first, he was
trying to get rid of me.

- Come on.

You wanna be a sidekick,
you gotta learn the ropes.

- Okay, Rex. Okay.

(Peter whimpers and grunts)

- Good. Very good.

- Thank you.

Thank you very much.

(Peter thuds)

(gunshot booms)

(Rex chuckles)

(iron hisses)
- Okay.

(fire whooshes)

♪ Yodelayhee ♪

- [Peter] But later, he and
I wrote a song together,

and because I could sing real good,

I started winning him over.

(both laugh)

- That's great. Great chords.

Let's do it again.
- Okay.

(rustic music)

♪ I'l getby ♪

♪ I'll wait until the rivers run dry ♪

♪ If it takes a million years, girl, ♪

♪ 1 will know a million years ♪

♪ Can't come too soon ♪

♪ Somehow, somewhere ♪

♪ Our eyes will meet and then I'm there ♪

♪ The sparks will set
A magic night on fire ♪

♪ And I'll lasso you ♪

♪ The moon ♪

- That's terrific.

Great! (laughs)

Come on, come on. We're going for a swim.

- I don't know, Rex.

- Aw, there's nothing to it.

- I'm a little nervous.
- It's just water.

(both shout)

(water splashes)

- I really had no idea what
this job was all about.

- (chuckles) It's not easy.

(Peter laughs)

- I'll tell you, Rex,

if it wasn't for these roots,
I bet I'd be sore all over.

- Well, time to hit the sack.

Night, Peter.

- Pleasant dreams, Rex.

Hey, Rex.
- Hmm?

- It's a silly question, I guess,

but do you really know the future?

- Yes.
- Wanna explain that?

- I told you, all those
towns are the same.

- Yeah.

- Well, the same thing keeps
happening in all these towns.

The bad guys, who are
usually rich for some reason,

are always taking
advantage of the good guys,

who are usually poor.

I ride into town and join
forces with the good guys,

defeat the bad guys, and then I ride out.

Over and over.

It's my karma, I guess.

- Your what?

- Uh, try to get some sleep, Peter.

Tomorrow's the big shootout.

- [Peter] Okay.

Shootout?
- Mm-hmm.

- [Peter] Rex, look, look.

I painted a circle around
Isabel's eye. What do you think?

- [Rex] I think you're weird.

- [Peter] Rex, about this
shootout, what are your plans?

- Oh, I don't know.

I guess I'll shoot the
guns out of their hands.

- Well, uh, h- how many will there be?

- I don't know.

- Don't know? I thought
you knew the future.

- Only in general.

- In general? No specifics?

- Mm-mm.

- Maybe I should buy me a
steel helmet or something.

- You wanted the sidekick job.

(weighty music)

- I don't see anybody.

- This is it.

(hooves rumbling)

(tense music)

- Holy mackerel.

- I made a mistake.

We can't beat this many men.

- Now?

Now you realize that?

I mean, damn, Rex.

For a guy who knows the future-

- There's too many of them.

Usually 40% chicken out.

I didn't think they'd have
this good a good turnout.

- What are we gonna do?

- (sighs) I'm thinking.

- Good. Good.

- Everyone whose birthday
occurs on an even-numbered day,

aim at Rex.

Everyone with an odd-numbered
birthday, aim at the nerd.

- I'm gonna try and distract 'em.

When I give you the word, you ride away.

- No problem.

- Ready, aim-

- Let me do it. Let me do it.

I want to do it.
- Fine, I don't care.

- Ready!
(tense music)

Aim!

(whimsical music)

Oh, he is very good.

(Wildfire neighs)

(bandits cheer and whistle)

- I wish my horse could do that.

- Me too.

(bandits laugh and cheer)

- Let's get out of here.

Take off!
(Wildfire whinnies)

Now!

- [Peter] Yeehaw!

- Well don't just stand
there. After them, men!

- We can't go after them, Colonel.

We're up here on this ridge.

- Gee whiz!

- You told us to get up here.

- We need to talk.

This is really embarrassing.

- [Peter] Ha! Whoa, go, Isabel!

This sort of thing drove
the bad guys crazy.

And they did everything
they could think of

to get rid of us.

(explosion booms)

Of course, it never worked.

Wow.

Because in the first place,

Rex always knew what they were
gonna do before they did it.

Hey!

Good night, boys. See you tomorrow.

And in the second place,

they were the bad guys,
so they couldn't win.

- Jud.
- Yes, sir.

- Throw another faggot on the fire.

- What?

- Another log. Throw
another log on the fire.

- Oh. Yes, sir, right away.

- Hey.

- We know one thing.
- What?

- Brute force doesn't work.
He always outsmarts us.

- That's right.

That means we've got to outsmart him.

(bandits laugh)

- The problem is, we
are bad and he's good,

so he always beats us.

- That's the problem.

Wait a minute.
- What?

- That's it.

I've got it!

- Got what?

- A truly great idea!

(bandits laugh)

- [Peter] What the colonel
had was a truly great idea.

Of course all we knew, at the time,

was what usually happened.

The bad guys would get a hired gun

and a shootout would follow.

But I could tell Rex was
getting a little edgy.

It was like he knew
something was going to happen

(tense music)

that hadn't happened before.

When is the showdown?
- What?

- When's this guy gonna come to town?

- Tomorrow. I fight him tomorrow.

- Well, what do you wanna do now?

You wanna, you wanna go
swimming or iron shirts?

Huh? Swim or shirts?

- Uh, you back to camp,
Peter. I need some time alone.

- Aw, come on, Rex.
- I need some me time.

- "Me time"?

Hey, hey, how about I
have the girls out, huh?

- No.

- Don't you like girls, Rex?

- Yes! Yes, I like them very much.

I'll see you tonight, Peter.

- So long, Rex.

(foreboding music)

- On, Wildfire, on!

(wind whistling)

(insects chirring)
(hooves clopping)

♪ A saddle for my home ♪

♪ Yodelayhee ♪

- [Peter] All right, let's
take it on home, Miss Tracy.

♪ Yodelayhee, Yodelayhee ♪

♪ lI ride alone ♪

(all laughing)

- I was good that time.

We're gonna finally get
this thing right. Hi, Rex.

- Hey, Rex, how's
tricks? You know, tricks.

- What's going on here?

- Rex.

I was lonely.

- You were lonely?

You don't know what lonely is, sport.

May I have my guitar, please?

I don't suppose you know my
mother gave me this guitar

and I hold the copyright on
that song you were singing.

- No, I, I didn't.

- This is my campsite. I live here.

I'm the one who found the spot.

I'm the one who put the rocks
in a circle to make a fire.

- Rex, I am completely out of line-

- That's right.

- And it won't ever happen again.

- Correct. It won't, Peter.

(sullen music)

- Relax, Rex, we all just had a root.

You know, root. (laughs)

- Oh, good, my roots!

Go ahead, eat them all.
Have a big old time.

But you're gonna have to excuse me.

Some of us have a gunfight tomorrow.

- Girls, um, I, I think you,
uh, better get dressed and go.

He's not himself.

(gentle music)

Rex?

- Go home, Peter.

- Okay.

Okay, I'm fired.

I deserve it.

But, but I just want to say one thing.

I hope you shoot Mr. Barber in both hands.

- Who?
- Barber.

- Bob Barber.
- Bob Barber?

- Yeah, that's what the
colonel's daughter called him.

- Not, uh, Bad Bob Barber?

Bothersome Bob Barber?

Bob "The Butcher" Barber?

- No.

No, just Bob.

- Oh.

- Look, I'll see you later.

It's been fun.

(serious music)

♪ I can see by your outfit
that you are a cowboy ♪

♪ You can see by my
outfit I'm a cowboy t- ♪

(boot thuds)
(bell tolling)

(saloon doors creak)

- [Bob] Hello, Rex.

- Bob? Bob Barber?

- Yep.

Though some folks call
me Wrangler Bob Barber.

- Oh. Nice ouffit.

- Thanks. So is yours.

- Just something I threw together.

- Same here.

- You don't, uh, wear the
same outfit every day?

- Nah, that's boring.

- (laughs) Yeah.

- Ever face another good guy before?

- No.

- [Bob] Me neither.

- Kinda makes you wonder what'll happen.

- I guess the good guy
will win, just like always.

- Yep. Except we're both good guys.

- Then I reckon the most
good good guy will win.

- That's the way I figure too.

- Yep.

(spurs clinking)

- You can't beat me, Bob.

You work for the colonels and
that makes me the most good.

I don't see how I can lose.

- Yeah. But I don't drink
whiskey with hair in it.

- Me neither. I just buy it.

- And I don't have the colonel's daughter,

who's practically a minor,

out to my campsite after dark.

- (sighs) Well, that
was wrong, I admit but-

- In the company of a known prostitute

and a notorious alcoholic.

- (scoffs) Yeah, you see, but they-

- [Bob] True or false?

- True, but-

- And there were drugs present?

- Well, you could say that, yeah-

- Yes or no?

- Yes! What are you, a lawyer?

- Used to be, yeah.

- Now look, I know this
all sounds bad, but it's-

- You did all this stuff,

and you still call yourself a good guy?

- Yeah. Yeah, you're damn right I do.

- You don't have to curse.

- I'll curse if I want to!

Damn, damn, hell, damn,

tee-tee, doo-doo.
(children giggle)

(Bob gasps)

- Now hold on there, little buckaroos.

You can't be hearing language like that.

(children laughing)
Get on back to school.

Obey your teachers and study really hard.

Nice going.

I also understand you're 31,
single, and don't even date.

- What?
- The colonel told me.

- What exactly are you getting at?

- Nothing.

Except we both know in
order to be a good guy,

you gotta be a confident heterosexual.

- A what?

- A confident heterosexual.

- Well, of course I know
that. Everybody knows that.

Come on, let's draw. I'm
gonna shoot you in both hands.

- Okay.

Since we're both good guys,
neither of us can draw first.

I'll count down from five.

- Let's go.

- Five, four...

- You said, "A confident heterosexual"?

- [Bob] Yes.

- I thought it was just a heterosexual.

- No, no. It's a confident heterosexual.

- You're sure?
- I'm sure.

- I didn't know that.

- Hmm.

Well, don't worry, Rex,
I'm not gonna hurt you.

I'm just gonna shoot the
guns out of your hands.

- Rather you shoot me in the heart.

- You know I can't do that.

Five.

Four.
- Confident.

- Three.

Two.
- Wait a minute. Hold it.

Uh, I can't fight you today.

Uh, I, I'll fight you
tomorrow or maybe Thursday.

Yeah, Thursday'd be
good. I'll see you then.

(downcast music)

- [Peter]And Rex backed
down, first time ever.

And right away, everybody got down on him.

- Coward!

- [Provocateur] Pervert!

- Libertine!

- [Peter] You know how people are.

They're probably like
this in your hometown.

- Freethinker!

- Homo!
(mob rabbles)

- No!

No! Hey, you!

Never mind.

Hey, you! You can't talk
to my friend like that!

(blow thuds)

(glass shatters)

(sullen music)

Well, what are you gonna do?

Where will you go?

- I don't know.

I'm certainly not the good guy anymore.

I guess the first thing I'll
do is get some new clothes.

Understated stuff, lots of browns.

Then I guess I'll have to sell Wildfire.

- What?

- I have to. He's too
good a horse for me now.

- Hey. Hey, Rex.

Let's get the targets and go
practice. What do you say?

- Peter. Practice doesn't
have anything to do with it.

It's all psychological.

If you're confident, you win.

If you're not confident, you lose.

And I'm not confident.

- About what?

About, about...

Look, you know what my life is like.

I'm on the road all the time.

So, you know, I kiss the
girls, and then I leave.

And that's all I do. I just kiss 'em.

It never gets any further than that.

This is 1884.

You gotta date and date and date and date,

and sometimes marry them even,

before they'll, you know.

- W- w- w- wait a minute.

Y- you mean, you've never...?

- Never.

- My God, Rex.

You are a good guy.

- He wouldn't fight.

He's scared.

It's a combination of guilt and insecurity

and it's obvious that he's not at all

at home with his sexuality.

- What?
- His sexuality.

- Well, that definitely
finishes him as a good guy.

You can't be a good guy and scared.

- I'm not so sure.

I want him taken care of permanently.

- Bob, you've got to go out and get him.

- I can't.

If he's backed down, I can't go after him.

It wouldn't be nice.

- Then we've got to draw him back to you.

- [Bob] How?

- Do something despicable to him.

Something so rotten he'll
have to come back in.

- Naturally, I can't have
a hand in any of that.

- Of course, of course.

Cookie?
- Thanks.

(insects chirring)
(forlorn music)

- [Peter] Rex must have
known something was up,

because he took special
precautions with my safety.

But he didn't care about himself.

He even threw away his guns.

True to their word, the bad
guys did something despicable.

Something that really made Rex mad

and didn't amuse me much either.

- [Jim] Hey, drunk!

(gunshots boom)

- Peter!

(sad music)

(grass rustling)

(sad music continues)

(revolvers click)

(optimistic music)

(heroic music)

On, Wildfire, on!

(dog barking)

(sheepherders giggling)

(sheepherder's wife shrieks)

- Oh, good morning, Mr. Rex.

- Get your rifle and come with me.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Mr.
Rex. I cannot do that.

Let the old men who start
the wars fight the wars.

- Either you get your
rifle and come with me,

or I'll shoot your wife in the shoulder.

(sheepherder's wife shrieks)

(tense music)

(heroic music)

(bell clanging)

(tense music)

(heroic music)

Hyah!

(hooves rumbling)

(tense music)

(heroic music)

(tense music)

- He's coming!

He's coming!

And he's standing in the saddle!

- Standing in the saddle?

(heroic music)

- It's not important.

It means nothing. He's just showing off.

(hooves rumbling)
(horses whinny)

- [Colonel] It looks like he's
brought some folks with him.

(wind whistles)

(tense music)

(onlookers groan)

(tense music continues)

- I'm back, Bob.

- Morning, Rex.

Nice to see you.

- Now!

(gunshot booms)
(bandit grunting)

- Yeehaw!

Just like you said, Rex! Ah!

(Peter grunting)

- What?! Oh, now, wait just a minute here.

This really came out of the blue.

We shot that guy yesterday.

- Twice.
- Twice!

- With shotguns.
- I mean, come on!

- You think Rex O'Herlihan doesn't know

that his sidekick always gets killed?

Huh!? Huh!?

Why do you think he
didn't hire me right away?

Why do you think he made
me wear this? Ha, ha!

Wake up, you jugheads.

He's always two steps
ahead of guys like you.

- Rex, I didn't know
about the man on the roof.

I had absolutely nothing to do with this.

I don't approve of your
actions here today.

We're gonna have to talk about it.

- I'm tired of talking.
(gunshot booms)

(rifles clicking)

- Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

(gunshots boom)

(bullets ping)

- Hold your fire!

Hold your fire!

No reason for anybody
to get involved in this

except Bob and me.

- Little late, big guy.

- All my men are dead.

Every single one of them.

- Who's going to build the railroad now?

- Forget about the railroad.

- Forget the railroad?

That's very simple for you to say.

- We'll talk later.
- No. We'll talk now!

I think you are overbearing.

And I think he's boring.

And I wish I had never gotten
involved in any of this.

Auf wiedersehen.

- Well, Rex, you wanna call it off?

- No.

You started this. I'm gonna finish it.

Five.

- Still got the same problems.

- Four.

- We could just walk away from it.

- Three.

- Whatever you want.

- Two.
- Violence is no solution.

- One.

(tense music)

(gunshots boom)
(bullets ping)

(gunshot booms)

You're not a good guy at all.

- I'm a lawyer, you idiot!

(gunshot booms)
(perilous music)

- Rex. Rex.

You shot him in the head.

How do you feel about that?

- I missed his hand.

- Rex. Rex!

Rex, are you all right?

- Yeah.

Just let me rest here for a while.

Gonna close my eyes.

- Rex.

Rex, don't die on me.

Please, Rex, please!

- I'll be all right, Peter.

Believe me, I know.

♪ A-ooh ♪

Hot diggity!

He's gonna be all right,
everybody. He knows!

(onlookers cheer)
(Peter laughs)

- Excuse me. Excuse me.

Rex?

I can't help but feel a little responsible

for what's happened here today.

- Would, um, would a
totally sincere "sorry" do?

- Well, it's a start, Colonel.

It's a good start.

- Thanks, Rex.

Boy, is he nice.
- Let me through.

Let me through. I'm a doctor.

That leg's gonna have
to come off for sure.

Take him to my office, boys.

- [Peter] Take it easy, you cow
patties. Don't you hurt him!

- Peter?
- Right here, Rex.

- Get me a root, quick.
- On my way.

- Oh, Peter!
- Yeah, Rex.

- I need a clean shirt.
- Coming up.

- [Rex] A blue one.

The cobalt blue one with the
white suede yokes and cuffs.

- Right, Rex.

- Not the turquoise one
with the white fringe.

- Oh, no, no, no.

Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

- Hey, everybody, big party at my house!

(onlookers cheer)
Hey, hey, hey!

It's bring your own. It's bring your...

I'm serious, now. Bring your own!

(upbeat music)

- [Peter] These things
always ended with a party.

All the main characters would show up.

Music would be playing.

Guys who were supposed to be
dead would be walking around.

Yeah, everybody had a big old time.

- I'm not gone two minutes,
and you throw a party.

- Oh, Peter, listen.
- Yeah?

- I'd like you to get the colonels

and the ladies out front for me, please.

- Sure. How come?

- Uh, I wanna say goodbye.
It's time I was moving on.

- It's time we were moving on.

- Ah, Peter.

Oakwood Estates is your
home. You belong here.

- Baloney! I'm going with you, Rex.

- It's too dangerous.

- Rex. Rex, I'll be all right.

I'll wear my bulletproof
vest all the time.

Even when we go swimming.

- Peter, Peter, we were lucky this time.

I can't have your death on my hands.

- Rex.
- I couldn't deal with it,

so please don't make me. okay?

- Well, uh, will you write?

- Sure, of course I will.

- Will you be back?

- Hey, I'm on a circuit, aren't 1?

- Yeah.

- (chuckles) Okay, I'll
meet you out front.

(dispirited music)

Yeah.

Okay.

- So long, Colonel.

- So long, Rex.

- [Colonel] So long, silly
dresser. I'm gonna miss you.

Oh, um,

we were in the doctor's office together,

we did more than just talk.

I'm, I'm getting better.

(bright music)

Now, is that perfect or what?

♪ The last of the silver screen cowboys ♪

- Screw it! I'm going with him!

(Peter grunts)

Adios, buckaroos!

- I knew that would happen.

- Oh, Daddy, we all did.

♪ God knows, this is what
America still needs ♪

- [Peter] Rex!

♪ The last of the silver screen cowboys ♪

♪ Standing tall for what
he believes is right ♪

♪ Don't push him around ♪

♪ 'Cause more than one villian's found ♪

♪ That he don't back down from a fight ♪

♪ Roy and Trigger, we love you ♪

♪ And Hoppy, we saved up our dimes ♪

♪ For the Saturday double features ♪

♪ And we sat through
both movies two times ♪

♪ Gene, Lash, and Rex were our heroes ♪

♪ We knew good would win in the end ♪

♪ If we could just turn back the pages ♪

(hooves clopping)

(heartfelt music)

♪ I know you're out there somewhere ♪

♪ 'Cause I've held you in my dreams ♪

♪ And I'm waitin' for ♪

♪ The day it all comes true ♪

♪ So close and yet so far away ♪

♪ You'll be more than
just a dream some day ♪

♪ I'll hold you in my arms ♪

♪ But 'till I do ♪

♪ I'l getby ♪

♪ I'll wait until the rivers run dry ♪

♪ If it takes a million years, girl ♪

♪ 1 will know a million years ♪

♪ Can't come too soon ♪

♪ Somehow, somewhere ♪

♪ Our eyes will meet and then I'm there ♪

♪ The sparks will set
a magic night on fire ♪

♪ And I'll lasso you ♪

♪ The moon ♪