Original subtitles

HARRY: I hadn't felt like this in years.

It was lightning.

It was freedom,

with a newness of the open road in the windscreen and the future all...

MAN: Tempting, isn't it?

HARRY: Well, it seemed to be just what I was looking for at this stage of my life.

You only live once, right?

Right.

A young single guy just couldn't do better.

MAN: Hmm.

Looks like you've pulled all ready.

Daddy!

I've never met a straight man less interested in cars than you.

People change.

BOTH: Pat, don't do that!

GINA: But a sports car?

You think I'm compensating.

Thirty is too young for a midlife crisis.

Take it from me, you'll be okay.

It is just another birthday.

We'll open a couple of bottles, have a nice cake...

With candles...

Hmmm, balloons.

* Happy Birthday to you

* Squashed tomatoes and glue

BOTH: * You look like a monkey,

* And you act like one too *

Actually, this particular model has variable valve control.

Oh, that means poke.

Oh, plenty of poke.

It only carries one passenger,

one very thin and very female passenger.

(TOY SWORD WHIRRING)

There's a good lot that sounds interesting.

You don't regret anything, do you?

Regret?

No!

Of course not.

Force is strong in this one.

BOTH: Pat, don't do that!

How is he?

-He's torturing the makeup girls again. -Leave it to me.

All the guests are in the green room?

Yeah, they're all lined up for your pep talk.

-Good. -And the new assistant's

waiting in the producer's gallery.

Now, I know all about you and your "special talents," Greg.

So, I want you to take out that condom

and put it on right now, so we can all see.

-AUDIENCE: Yes! -Give it up and get it on!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

MARTY: Painful.

Sliding on nicely?

-Is that it? -(EXHALES)

(HARRY LAUGHING)

He's good. Condom man. Talented.

JASMIN: He's, he's great.

Everybody. (INHALES)

Is that your sports car in the car park?

You mean the planet destroying penis extension?

I mean, nice car.

-Got to take a break here. -(INHALES AND EXHALES)

Hey, whoa!

(CROWD CHEERING)

MARTY: Give him a big hand, ladies and gentlemen.

Gina.

You awake?

Harry.

You don't want to, do you?

Okay, maybe you do.

Still crazy for me, after all these years.

PAT: Mummy!

Nightmare.

PAT: Mummy!

All right, darling, I'm coming.

Stop!

Make spoons.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

MARTY: A great show tonight, a bit of everything.

Live television, Jasmin.

It's all about danger.

The environment these people are protecting is our environment...

HARRY: Take Marty for instance, he's terrified.

That's why he's so good.

MARTY: I want to thank all his colleagues,

living out in trees at the airport.

With all their hair, they look like they belong there, eh?

Just joking.

Seriously, folks, their battle is our battle.

-HARRY: I knew Marty needed the adrenaline of live TV. -Save the tress!

-Oh, God! -HARRY: The terror of living on the edge.

Free the birds!

-HARRY: What I hadn't realised... -Bollocks to the birds!

(YELLING)

HARRY: Is he'd finally gone over it. MARTY: Get up!

Stay up, you monkey!

-Whose idea was it to book them? -Mine.

-(TELEPHONE RINGING) -Cut to a break! Roll VT! Roll it!

(ALL CLAMOURING)

What will they do to us?

We'll find out in the morning.

Do you want to come in for a drink?

HARRY: Okay, I liked her and it had been a rough night.

And I was coming up to 30. But, I was married.

Sounds good.

HARRY: Strange pulling hair thing.

Gina never did that.

It was too soon to feel really bad about Gina

and all the promises I had ever made to her.

(SOFTLY) Jasmin.

(SIGHS) It was crazy after the show last night.

I had to stay at the station.

Hold Marty's hand.

(SOBS)

What is it?

Your Mum, she's so patient with Pat.

But me, I shouted at him just now for waking up early

and putting the TV on for nothing.

I'm so crap.

You're the best mother in the world.

-No, I'm not! -Don't be so hard on yourself.

Nobody's perfect.

(SIGHS)

(GINA CRYING)

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ON TV)

WOMAN: (ON TV) We have powerful friends.

You're going to regret this.

(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)

(SWITCHES OFF TV)

-Why don't we have a game? -Star Wars!

(SIGHS) Okay.

Princess Leia's been captured. We have to rescue her, Daddy.

Okay.

(IMITATE SPACECRAFT SOUND)

GINA: Shouldn't you be getting to work?

Oh, Christ!

I'm sorry. I've got to go.

-Hey. -(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ON TV)

Not again.

He likes that bit, don't you?

Oh, Harry, can I borrow your mobile?

Bye. See you later.

Ah, there's no pictures in it.

And why didn't you call me?

Sorry.

What's that, sparkling?

I don't want that one. I want controversy!

Controversy is good!

Yes, Harry, yeah.

MAN: (ON TV) Protect the planet!

Save the trees!

Free the birds!

-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -Bollocks to the birds!

(CLAMOURING)

-Hey. -(SWITCHES OFF TV)

-Hey. -(DOOR CLOSING)

(SIGHS) Wow.

What a night.

One way or another.

Jasmin...

It's okay, Harry.

I know, you're married.

(SIGHS) You're a great girl.

(CHUCKLES)

And your wife's a lucky woman,

like I said in the message...

On the mobile.

Oh, Harry, can I borrow your mobile?

Gina.

Gina.

(MOBILE BEEPS)

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have one voice message.

JASMIN: It's always a bad sign if they go before you wake up.

(MOBILE BEEPS)

Actually, she's a... She's a really nice girl.

-You'd like her. -(GRUNTS)

Do you love her?

No!

It didn't mean any...

That makes it worse!

(CRYING) Like...

You're just like my screwing around bastard father!

HARRY: Her father!

The man who wrecked her childhood.

-I was in real trouble. -(CRYING)

Ready, Pat?

Nearly.

Come on then.

We're going on holiday.

GINA: Pat! Time to get in the car.

-Please, Gina, please. -Please, what?

Please don't stop loving me.

You must have known. I can't love a man who doesn't love me.

But, I do!

Only me!

Ever.

And if you don't know that about me, Harry, then

you don't know me at all.

(MOBILE CHIMING)

-Gina. -MARTY: Harry...

My Mum called.

(SIGHS)

Get in here!

My Mum is really, really upset.

Gina's left me.

Don't worry, the most she can get is half.

I am being crucified here, Harry.

I've got to find her.

Oh, don't go, Harry. I need you. Harry!

I'm nothing like her father.

Don't go. Harry.

Harry, man.

HARRY: Gina's screwing around bastard father.

-How you doing? -Daddy, Daddy, look!

You're staying with Glenn, Pat.

Daddy and I need to talk.

Come with me.

Let's check out the new Travis album.

Or we could listen to Eminem.

No.

It's over.

I hurt you.

What I did was very bad, but grownups don't break up over one night.

It's never just one night.

We married young. I gave up things, so did you.

That was the deal.

Do you think it's been easy for me?

Baby sit, Star Wars, listening to you winging on

about how you're not a teenager any more.

I love you. You love me.

You tricked me into loving you.

I trusted you and you broke my heart.

I'll do anything. What do you want?

What do I want?

I want my life back.

HARRY: That sounded like trouble.

My parents were expecting us for tea, all three of us.

PADDY: Where's Gina?

I, er... I have some news.

You means she's...

What news?

PADDY: It's good news?

She's left me.

She's left you where?

BETTY: Pat?

He's with Gina, at her dad's place.

That punk rocker.

-Poor little thing. -She's left you where?

She's walked out!

Getting a divorce, is that what you mean?

PADDY: Why?

Have you been...

You've ruined my life.

He doesn't mean it.

Your life! What about my life?

Your life is over!

Over!

Our next guest tonight, needs no introduction.

He's a man known on both sides of the Atlantic

for the brilliance of his... Oh, bollocks!

-What is wrong with that auto cue? -Nothing.

Why can't this stupid little cow keep up with me?

No problem, Marty.

Okay, everybody, we're going again.

Oh, no, we're not!

(SOFT THUD)

HARRY: A taped show is a whole different deal.

You need to find a new energy.

And going crazy at the auto cue girl

isn't going to help, all right.

You did not try to keep the show live.

Too much effort and not enough balls.

Channel bleach you roll over, don't you, eh?

I'll go back to him, see if I can work out a compromise.

But in the meantime, Marty...

I found a replacement for the auto cue girl.

Shall we go again?

Now that's better.

JASMIN: It'll be fine, Marty.

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

Hi, Pat.

Hi, Dad.

Sally. Is your dad around?

No, geek.

Gina?

No, airport.

HARRY: Why?

Duh, catch a plane.

To where?

China.

You mean Japan?

Okay, Japan.

There's a big difference between China and Japan!

Not to me, mate.

(LAUGHING)

Pat, get your coat!

Now!

Tell Glenn, he's with me.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

-You're late. -Sorry.

I had to drop Pat over at my parents.

So, has the channel explained it to you?

The 15 minute delay system, has the same energy as live.

Allows you to play to your strengths and then to play safe.

I want Jasmin more involved with booking the guests.

-Okay. -Plus, I want her to deal with the director...

Okay, but...

And I want her to keep the channel of my back from now on.

Oh, Marty, that's producing. That's my job.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

We started this show together.

I brought you in to television.

Marty, I can't lose my job now.

-Not now! -This is business.

All that bloody punishment for not being available 24 hours a day

while my marriage is breaking up.

-Harry, Harry, Harry, you are embarrassing me. -Oh, come on, Marty!

You're Mr Controversy.

You're not worried about a little scene.

All right, Jasmin's in, you're out.

You'll thank me for it one day.

No hard feelings, eh?

PAT: Ow! Let go!

-You're hurting me. -HARRY: Oh, come on, please!

Stop it.

Look, Mummy's gone away for a little while.

Please let Daddy wash your hair.

-No! -Do you think Luke Skywalker

-cries when he has his hair washed? -Yes!

Oh, come on, please!

-I want Mummy. -Mummy's not here.

-When will I see her again? -I don't know.

-What did I do? -Nothing!

Look, look...

Mummy loves you very, very much

and we'll see her soon, I promise.

HARRY: "And when he came to place where the wild things are,

"they roared their terrible roars

"and gnashed their terrible teeth and rolled their terrible eyes

"and showed their terrible claws, till Max said..."

(TELEPHONE BEEPS)

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have nine new messages.

GINA: So, you took Pat back.

I imagine you're really, really dramatising the situation.

-He was perfectly happy there with him and my sister. -(BEEPS)

And yes, I am in Japan. I was happy here before I met you.

And if you don't want him to have fillings,

make sure you're really thorough when you brush his teeth.

And make sure he's in bed by 9:00 at the absolute latest.

Not 10:00, Harry, 9:00. We had a deal with this marriage.

It was supposed to be for life,

not till somebody got bored because of his...

How can I let you touch me again when I know

know that you've been touching someone else with the same hands?

Kissing someone like you kissed me.

I want Pat to know. I'll see him really soon.

Tell my little boy, I love him very, very much

and I always will.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

And don't think you're Mr Bloody Special.

Millions of women all over the world look after children on their own.

Millions and millions and millions.

There's nothing special about you at all.

Look, Gina...

You betrayed us.

Not just me, Harry.

Pat too.

(DISCONNECTS CALL)

(SIGHS)

Anything?

Anything, except for breakfast from Star Wars and stuff like that.

But otherwise anything you like.

Green spaghetti.

Green spaghetti?

You said anything.

I can't make green spaghetti.

You don't make it, you buy it, duh!

Come on.

Hey, Pat. How do you do?

He's our custom cook.

So what can I get you guys?

Green spaghetti.

Spaghetti presto?

For breakfast?

Where's Mum today?

Tokyo.

Green spaghetti for two then.

Yes, please. Thank you.

She's from Texas.

(GROANS)

Hello!

Mummy!

You should've let me know.

I would have met you at the airport.

Pat, your hair!

Come on, let's get it washed.

PAT: Have you brought me a present?

GINA: Ooh, what do you think?

(KIDS PLAYING)

GINA: My written Japanese is rusty

but my spoken Japanese is more than good enough for interpreting.

Sitting in on meetings, liaise with the clients.

The job's mine if I want it, but they need to know now.

This job's in Tokyo.

You think I went there for a holiday?

Right, I forgot, you want your life back.

-This for a year. After that, I don't know. -(SIREN WAILING)

What are you doing for money?

The joint account.

But what about Pat?

We'll ship his stuff and...

Are you going to ship his grandparents, his friends? What about me?

-You broke my heart. -So, now you're going to take Pat away from me?

You can't stand the thought of me having a life without you, can you?

When I think, what I gave up...

And all those shit head arrogant posers at your dumb television parties

and ever so important launches,

you made me feel about that high.

-What are you talking about? -What do you do?

Look after my little boy.

And they give me this look like, "Oh, a bloody moron, then."

Can you imagine how that feels?

No.

And the women, were the worst.

You made love to one of them, Harry.

You made love to her, whoever she was

because you thought she was better than me.

No.

Oh, yes!

This marriage was my life, what I did.

And you disrespected it.

-Turned it to shit like that. -Gina.

Don't touch me.

Well, I'm twice as smart as them, twice as smart.

Leave him with me.

Don't be stupid.

Well, just for a couple of weeks, months, whatever,

until... It makes sense.

I've got time now.

It'll take me a while to get a new job anyway.

Just until you've settled in and you've found somewhere new to live.

Look, the kind of hours you'll have to work out there,

he'll hardly see you, Gina.

And he'll see no one else he knows,

looked after by some stranger in a microscopic flat.

I have to take this chance. I have to know if I can do this.

I love him, Harry.

I know that.

I'll send for him just

as soon as I can and call every day.

That sounds good.

You really think you can manage this?

Yeah, I do.

I can.

And it's just until you're sorted out, okay, that's all.

I'll be back for him.

Of course.

HARRY: But by then, everything will be different.

PADDY: Look after your own child? You?

You think I can't, don't you?

Here's a three pack.

It's a special edition.

When?

(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

You have thought this through?

It's settled.

(TV PLAYING)

BETTY: Luke's ever so brave, isn't he Grandad?

He is.

Oh, yeah, he is, very brave.

Very brave indeed.

-Time to go now. -Don't want to.

But, you've got to.

I don't think I can do this. He's too...

You don't think you can do it?

You don't think, you, you have to do it...

Because there's nobody else, because you,

whatever else you are, are the only father that little boy has, so...

Stop whining and get on with it!

Bloody Japan!

Bitch!

Bitch!

Daddy's just tidying up.

Well, come and help.

Pat, we don't have this.

Daddy.

I've got it. I've got it.

Pat, no!

Here you are.

Thank you.

PAT: But I want it on.

-HARRY: It's time for bed. -PAT: Mummy lets me.

-No, she doesn't. -She does.

-Doesn't! -Does!

Doesn't!

-Hello. -GINA: How's it going?

So, when are you going to stop punishing me and come home?

Thanks, I was wondering if I did the right thing coming out here.

But a few words from you...

Don't worry, I'll be back, for Pat.

And where's he going to live?

In your shoe box?

Is Pat there?

He's five years old, where else would he be?

Out on a hot one with Naomi?

Do you want to talk about this like adults or do you want to argue like a child?

I want to argue like a child.

(SIGHS)

I love you.

Happy 30th birthday, Harry.

It's not my birthday until tomorrow.

Well, here you're already 30.

I'm not there, Gina. I'm in the real world!

Oh, please come back to it.

Can I talk to Pat now?

Mummy wants to talk to you, Pat.

Hello, Mummy.

Fine.

Yes.

Are you coming home soon?

Bye, Mum.

I don't need to talk to Mummy any more.

So...

Tell him, I'll call him tomorrow.

Is that okay?

Anytime at all.

I'll be here.

Where else would I be?

Naomi can't fit me in, either.

(LINE DISCONNECTS)

-Pat! -PAT: Daddy!

I'm coming! Coming!

PAT: Look what I found.

Look at me!

Look at me!

Stay right where you are!

I said, don't move!

Don't move!

Wait there!

Help me, Dad!

-Daddy! -I said, don't move!

Dad!

Pat!

PAT: Daddy!

Pat!

(SCREAMING)

(CRASHING)

Shit!

Pat!

Pat, can you hear me?

Pat!

Pat!

Pat, can you hear me? Pat.

Pat.

Pat! Pat!

Pat! Shit!

Pat.

(SOBBING)

Pat!

(PEOPLE GASP)

Ambulance.

My car is outside. It'll be quicker.

Just need an address and signature on a consent form, please.

Oh, I'm not his mother.

Excuse me.

Pat and Harry Silver, 58 Donavan street.

You should call the boy's mother.

NURSE: Pat, can you hear me?

Pat!

-Do you know his blood group? -Er... No, no.

Okay, don't mind. Does he have any allergies?

Not that I know of.

Just take a seat for the moment,

the doctor will be out in a minute, okay?

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Kids are tough. They get through things you thought impossible.

I don't...

Sorry, er...

Harry Silver.

I'm Cyd.

Cyd.

Yes.

As in C-Y-D?

C-Y-D.

-As in Cyd Charisse? -That's right.

She danced with Fred Astaire in Silk Stockings.

-My parents loved that. -Mine too.

My parents!

Oh! (GASPS)

Oh, God.

I have to go.

Of course.

Good luck.

Thank you.

It's all right, Pat. Dad's here.

Everything's going to be okay, okay?

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(LINE RINGING)

You want some tea?

We'll have tea coming out of our rears.

Just be quiet and try to relax.

PADDY: Relax?

Why don't you try Gina again?

-Mom... -BETTY: She's his mother.

She needs to know.

Before, when I said I didn't think I could do this...

Well, now, please God give me the chance.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

BETTY: Harry.

Mr Silver.

-Is he... -Awake, yes.

And he's asking for you.

(SIGHS)

He'll have a sore head for a few weeks and a scar for life.

I've got to get back now.

(CHUCKLES) Thank you.

-He's fine! -(CHUCKLES)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(EKG BEEPING)

PADDY: What about Gina?

She's going to want to come home.

I'll persuade her she doesn't need to.

I can cope.

Good.

MAN: (ON TV) Kilkenny girls are special because

Kilkenny is a place untouched by the modern world.

There are for example, no vibrators.

-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -(PAUSES VIDEO)

(RAPID BEEPS)

-Pat! -PAT: I'm in my room.

The priests took them away because the girls kept chipping their teeth.

Mind you, God knows what the priests were doing to them.

Me poor little Mummy didn't go to confession for two or three weeks afterwards.

-Eamon Fish. -HARRY: Good name.

Good comic but chat show host?

You did it for Marty?

Well, come on, Harry. I know you need the job and it's very good money.

PAT: And this is my daddy. My mummy's in Japan.

My mummy still loves me but she only likes my dad now.

WOMEN: Oh.

Yeah, I need the job but, right now,

another comedian needs me more than your Mr Fish.

-Pat, eat! -I hate it.

Eat it!

"My mummy still loves me but she only likes my dad now."

How can you say a thing like that?

Okay, it's true but...

Say that again.

I'm seeing someone else.

Oh, naturally.

You don't half around the world

to get your life back without seeing someone else.

Who?

Richard.

Richard?

He's English, married, semi separated, actually.

What's semi separated mean?

They're not together, but you know, it isn't sorted yet.

So what do you call him? Rick?

Dick? Dickey? Dickhead!

Don't shout at me.

It's not my fault. I didn't ruin everything.

One night, Gina, it was one night.

It's not my fault you were too dumb to know what you had.

HARRY: No, I knew what I had, I was just dumb enough to throw it all...

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ON TV)

What?

Er... For Pat.

-Pat? -Your son.

This is for him. It's green spaghetti.

And don't mind me saying this,

but your front door manner could use a little work.

Cyd.

Very good.

I'm so sorry.

Please, come in.

Hey, Pat.

Green spaghetti, Pat.

-What do you say? -Thank you.

You're welcome.

Stitches itchy?

CYD: That means you'll have a good scar.

Look tough at big school.

Yes, we're starting at Southfields next week.

-Southfields... -Hmm.

And we're a bit worried about it.

Oh, even Luke Skywalker was a bit worried about big school

but, only at first.

Wow, that's some outfit she has on.

-It's his favourite bit. -CYD: Oh.

Well...

-Cyd. -Yeah.

Sorry, this is,

I know, somewhat over impulsive, and

excuse me for being that, but

now's the only opportunity I'm ever going to have say it, so...

I'm just going to come straight out and say it.

Say what?

I think you're great and, eh, I like you.

Boy, are you missing your wife.

We're semi separated.

Oh.

Bye, Pat.

Bye.

See ya.

Yeah.

That was nice of her, wasn't it, hmm?

HARRY: Pat was starting school.

Those long days watching Star Wars videos together were over.

My little boy is joining the world.

(KIDS SPEAKING DISTINCTLY)

TEACHER: Come and sit down.

Hello, Pat. Welcome to reception.

You're just in time for morning story.

We have some volunteers from year one here

to look after all you new boys and girls.

Come on then.

Quick.

Okay, it's time for morning story.

KIDS: Story!

TEACHER: Today's story is all about...

-KIDS: Birthdays. -TEACHER: That's right.

I straightened out the handle bars.

Only took a few minutes.

-And it would have taken me hours. -(BELL RINGS)

Is it my fault I can't use tools like you?

-I'm not some brave ex-commander with a medal. -Carry on, lad.

Calm down for Christ sake.

PAT: Daddy!

Hiya, Pat. (LAUGHING)

Bye, Peggy.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

I'll see her tomorrow, at school.

It's too soon after the accident.

Just because he's had one tumble doesn't mean to say he's going to have another.

There's no hurry, is there?

PADDY: Sooner the better, in my opinion.

But, it's up to you, you're his dad.

Pat?

Keep holding on, Grandad.

You're doing it, Pat. You're doing it, Pat. You're doing it.

You're doing it!

That's it. (PANTING)

(COUGHING)

Dad.

I'm okay.

Can you look after Pat on Saturday night?

I've been thinking of going out.

With a woman?

Again?

And you think that's appropriate for someone in your position, do you?

I'm just thinking of taking someone to the pictures no big deal.

(COUGHING)

You sure you're okay?

What about Gina?

Just because you've had one tumble...

-Well? -PAT: Daddy!

Grandad!

I did it! I did it!

(LINE RINGING)

Hi, is Cyd there?

CYD: Hi, Harry.

Hey!

You recognised my voice.

How was school?

-There were a few tears, but that was me. -(CHUCKLES)

Though Pat was fine. He met this little girl straight away.

Like father like son.

Cyd!

Time's are getting restless.

I wondered, would you like to go out sometime?

Okay. I got to go now, though.

Wait! I want to say this isn't about me missing my wife.

I do really like you.

So you like me, honey, but you can't pay my bills.

-Honey? -Bye, now.

Bye.

Hey.

Hey.

We er... Didn't talk about what we were going to do.

(LAUGHING)

I brought Time Out.

-Film? -Okay.

Any ideas?

Hmm, not a big movie.

Big movie is a bad date.

So, this is a date then?

Walk.

Uh-huh.

They loved them.

Silk Stockings, Grand Hotel, of course Gone With The Wind.

After Dad died, Mum played that video 36 times straight.

And she was rationing herself.

They were happy.

They got it right.

Things were different for that generation.

We're not doing too well deciding on the movie.

No.

-We could just... -Walk?

(CYD LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

So, what's your story?

Me?

-I just... -Yes...

I lost my moorings there for a while.

Oh, I see.

You mean, you fancied a quick fuck?

One.

But before that I sort of...

Let the lights go out.

And what happens when the pretty lady comes back?

She'll bring someone else with her.

In answer to your former question, yes.

Sorry...

Yes, I think this is a date.

Me too.

Look what I've got!

They're going to a disco.

Can Peggy come over to play?

I don't know, Pat, we'll have to ask Peggy's...

Come on, Pat.

Can I go to Pat's house for tea?

Oh, for God's sake, okay.

BOTH: Yeah!

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

-Where's your Mumm? -Abroad, where's yours?

-Work. -(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oy, turn that off.

(MUSIC STOPS)

I'm really busy right now.

I'm your comedian.

How are you kids, huh?

I do stand-up but does that mean I can present a television show?

I've already made this clear.

I've got to be a success.

-My boy needs me. -Well, so do I.

-He needs me more. -Well... Not all day.

Where's his Mummy anyway?

-Japan! -Part time...

Consultant, whatever.

You think about that.

She'll be back for you, you know that, don't you?

As soon as she's done her work.

What if I work too?

Only while you're at school.

I'd still take you there and pick you up every day like now.

Would you mind?

No.

We're all right, aren't we?

Yes, Daddy.

-Good night. -Good night, Daddy.

(CROWD CHEERING)

What's the difference between a mosquito and a Kilkenny girl?

A mosquito stops sucking when you hit it on the head.

Why don't they give them longer than 15 minutes for lunch?

Because you'd have to retrain them.

Now.

I'm Irish, so I can say it.

CROWD: Yeah.

The big guy who's got the bottle.

But that's not true.

In fact,

your average Kilkenny girl has more ear levels

than the average English football fan

has tattoos.

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

It's great to have somebody to sneer at, isn't it?

Not bad.

So, it's time for my first guest.

He's good.

I think he knows it.

-(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) -(CROWD CHEERING)

All right.

Oh, we split it?

Sure.

-Babysitter. -(SIGHS)

Can I walk you to the tube?

No, it's fine.

Bus then.

No, thanks.

What are you thinking?

(CHUCKLES)

That at this point in my life,

I'd be absolutely crazy to take a chance on a guy like you.

(LAUGHING)

I didn't want him to find me in your bed.

It won't happen again.

-Oh. -I'll put a lock on the door.

Tie him down.

We haven't really talked.

Well, I've told you about Gina.

You've told me about your husband...

Jim.

Talked about what?

Children.

Cyd, we've just slept together for the first time.

I like you,

and you like me, but it's not that simple with kids involved.

So, I have a complicated life.

We all have complicated lives.

The little girl, Peggy, who plays with Pat...

Yes?

She's my daughter.

And you didn't tell me.

I told her to look out for Pat.

I can't believe you didn't tell me.

See, this is what I was trying to avoid.

Her getting involved, attached to some guy who only...

I'm not some guy!

She was here every day last week.

-She knows me. -As Pat's father.

She sees more of me than that creep you married.

Peggy's dad, that's what he is!

She adores him and I've worked damn hard to keep it that way.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

This is complicated.

Jim's still here.

Still here?

Jim?

They're clean? You've washed them carefully?

Yes, Mum.

-Where are we going, Daddy? -Haven't decided yet, Peggy.

Hi.

Who's he?

My friend.

When I was a kid,

we all used to hang out by the Yucatan liquor store,

all the girls trying to look like Pamela Anderson,

boys can't help looking like Meat Loaf.

But then one night...

Go on.

This cool sexy Scots guy,

rode up on his Triumph Bonneville motorcycle.

It didn't work out.

And now he wants you back.

He never wanted us to break up in the first place.

So why did you?

Because, it was just pointless.

So,

-do you still love him? -(PHONE RINGING)

No, but Peggy does.

(PHONE RINGING)

I don't know how your lot expect to live like this.

What's going to happen to the kids?

How are they supposed to cope?

-I don't know. -You have to know!

"My generation looked after the kids.

"And yours looks after itself."

Oh, yeah. Well...

It's true, isn't it?

I'm doing the best I can.

Daddy.

What is it, Pat?

Do I still look like Mummy?

Well, yes!

You still look very much like Mummy.

And when she comes back, she's going to say,

"There's that Pat. He looks just like me."

(CAR ALARM BLARING)

Bastards! Right in front of my eyes.

The little bastards slashed your car roof!

(ALARM CONTINUES)

Little...

I'll kill the lot of you!

(PANTING)

No more excuses, you must go and see the doctor.

-Tell him, Harry! -Dad.

You must, Paddy.

(COUGHING)

I dish you! I dish you, your mamas!

-Pat. -Your sister's a whore!

Where did he learn that kind of language?

His mother's side. Thanks, mate.

So what do I look like in these?

Lovely.

Come on.

Hello, I'm Eamon and I'm famous.

-Who are you with? -Him.

You don't want to be wasting your time with a galoot like Harry.

He doesn't appreciate women.

-He appreciates me. -Oh.

17% share after three months, we're a success.

Bethem Palmer McLeod!

ITV weather girl.

So, you bounced back then?

Little more complicated than a bounce.

Cyd, Jasmin.

-Hi. -Hi.

-What... -Do I do?

I'm a waitress.

Actually I was going to say, what a fantastic dress.

-Pleased to meet you. -Nice to meet you too.

Harry, Harry, Harry!

I would just like to add my own sincere, very sincere congratulations.

I told you, you'll thank me one day, didn't I?

And this fella. What a talent, he!

-He's touching me, Harry! -Ooh!

You know, Marty, looking around

I'm a wee bit disappointed that you're the most famous person here tonight,

-except for me, of course. -(LAUGHING)

-Now, if you'd let me... -I want you on my show.

Oh, no, Marty, I want you on mine.

Come on, Jasmin, limo's waiting.

Jasmin. That where you lost your moorings?

Thought so.

-Wait. -What for?

Is making love with earrings illegal in Texas?

I'll show you what's illegal in Texas.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

GINA: Hello, Harry.

I said, hello, Harry.

Hi!

I just realised, this is the only telephone number in the world I know by heart.

-What is it? -Is that someone there?

No.

Sally, do you realise what time it is?

You just woke me up.

You're back?

Yes, and I want to see Pat as soon as possible.

I should go.

GINA: Pat!

Mummy! Mummy!

HARRY: First time I saw her again,

something hit me in the chest, hard.

It was old love but it was still love.

It stopped my breath, dead.

And for a moment,

I thought I would never breathe again.

You look great.

Must be all that sushi and sashimi.

Pat, he's so big.

Well, I see him every day, I don't notice.

Well, I do. I haven't seen him for a couple of months.

Four. Work it out.

School's still okay?

He has a good friend, a little girl.

Is he still crazy about Star Wars?

Yes, but he's started to like other stuff too.

Music, if gangster rap is music.

You let him listen to that rubbish?

Your sister does.

But I don't see him getting involved in any drive by shootings just yet.

He has to be in bed by nine.

What else?

He lets me wash his hair now.

And he washes himself in the bath

and doesn't make a fuss about going to bed.

He can tie his own shoe laces, tell the time

and he's started reading.

Want to know more of what you missed?

So how long are you in town for?

Forever.

Japan's over.

Not much call for a translator when even the giant corps are going belly up.

Got out before they threw me out.

So, I'm back and naturally I want Pat as soon as possible.

(PHONE RINGING)

Isn't that your mobile?

(RINGING CONTINUES)

-Yes. -He's in a hospital, Harry.

High dependency unit.

-Mum? -His lungs.

It has a...

A...

A what?

Tumour on his lungs, you know.

A mutts and barts.

Come as quick as you can.

I'll, I'll be there right away.

How long has he known?

He went for tests.

You didn't tell me.

It was nothing. He was fine.

But he wasn't, was he?

Well, he must've known all along

because he'd have made them tell him.

HARRY: Why didn't he tell us?

Maybe he's doing what he always did,

standing between us and the world.

Giving us a few extra months.

Giving me a few extra months?

We need to talk, Harry.

I know this isn't the best time.

Right.

When can I have him back?

Back?

We don't need to argue about it, this time,

because I'm not taking him out of the country.

He won't even need to change schools.

Oh, that's big of you.

-Richard and I... -Oh, Richard!

He's with you.

Yes, we're looking for a place in London,

around here so you can see him whenever you...

Hey, and er, how the hell is old Dickey?

-Still semi separated? -Permanently separated.

We're talking about getting married as soon as our divorces come through.

You recover fast from a broken heart.

I love Richard.

You want to take my son away from me

to live with some guy you picked up in a noodle bar.

Well, no way!

Because he's happy where he is!

-And he's staying there! -My solicitor will argue that

all things being equal,

a child should be with his mother.

And my solicitor, when I get one, will argue that

a child should be with the parent most capable of bringing him up!

Not the one who buggered off to Japan to get her life back!

Don't make me hate you, Harry.

Don't you see!

I learned, I learned to be a real parent.

Unbelievable!

You can't just come back and take that away from me.

A couple of months and you think you can take my place.

Four months!

And I'm not trying to take your place,

I've found a place of my own!

And I'm not giving it up!

Now let yourself out.

Men die younger than women.

Catch cancer more often.

Commit suicide more often.

And are more likely to be unemployed.

But for some reason,

Mr Silver, it is women...

HARRY: Nigel had his own messy divorce behind him.

Women who are considered to be the victims.

HARRY: Nigel was the man for me.

-Your son, is he happy at school? -Very.

-Sees his mother? -Whenever she wants.

-And yet? -She wants him to live with her.

Oh, is she cohabiting?

Oh, yes, with some guy she met at a Tokyo noodle bar.

Let me get this clear.

She just walked out and left you with your son?

-More or less. -Abandoned the marital home

and now four months later, she's back in town,

-newly engaged to a... -Semi separated man.

And feels like playing "Mummy" again, yes?

Yes!

Well, we'll see about that.

Don't think I'll be going home, son.

Don't, don't say anything to your, to your mother.

I want to see Pat.

HARRY: It was only then I understood exactly why I loved him.

Not, like I thought, for his strengths.

That was all gone.

But for his gentleness,

his compassion, his courage,

his selflessness.

Harry.

Pat told Peggy about...

You okay?

Cyd!

We need to talk.

Er, now that Gina's back,

you'll want to,

things will be different.

-I understand that. -You're right.

You're right, I haven't seen you in ages, have I?

A lot's happened.

Why don't you, er, bring Peggy over tomorrow,

we could have a meal or something.

Maybe, maybe it's right that we aren't spending so much time together,

er, the kids too.

We had a good time.

I'm sorry.

Cyd, my Dad...

-Pat and I... -I heard.

There's something we have to do.

Daddy, look at my painting.

HARRY: It was the kind of dying you try not to see.

Full of agony and drugs and terrible loss.

I hadn't been prepared.

What made me think a five-year-old boy would be?

I told myself it would be all right.

Well, it wasn't all right.

But it was necessary.

Hello, Pat.

Are you coming home soon?

Got to wait,

see what, what the doctors have to say.

-How's school? -Fine.

And the bike? How's the bike?

Good.

It should be more fun.

Let it stay behind us.

I miss the park with you.

I miss you. I miss you too.

I can't breathe.

Time to go now.

HARRY: And that was my father

saying goodbye to his beloved grandson.

-Dad. -Yeah?

Where's Putney? Is it in America?

No, in London.

Why?

When were you going to tell me?

Look face it, you and me, was a rebound thing, Harry.

I shouldn't have let it get so far.

It would have been better if you hadn't come.

I think you're wrong about us, Cyd.

It isn't a rebound thing.

I'm giving my marriage another shot.

Cyd, no!

-Do you love him? -He's Peggy's father.

-Answer my question. -I just have.

Your wife says that she remained faithful to you

throughout your marriage, but you committed adultery with a colleague from work.

One night.

Your wife alleges that your son

received a severe head injury whilst in your care.

That was an accident.

Maybe I should have been watching him more closely

but at least I was there for him.

Your wife also asserts

that you are not exercising proper parental control

over what your son watches and listens too.

Nigel, that's just crazy!

And that your son is allowed to watch violent films unsupervised.

Star Wars? He's always watched Star Wars.

And on her last access visit,

she discovered in his possession

a music tape containing songs of a profane and adult nature.

Her sister gave him that!

Getting it yet, Mr Silver?

What we are engaged in here is total war!

Right, get your pen out.

Should be heading back to the hospital?

In a minute. Finish your tea first.

A nice cup of tea, that's the answer to everything, isn't it?

Pat likes to act out the bit at the end of the film with us.

Dad's Han Solo. He likes that.

And I'm Princess Leila.

Leia. Princess Leia.

Don't matter now.

You and Dad...

It isn't much like me and Gina.

-You're happy. -Yes, we were.

But don't go thinking it was all brown ale and red roses,

it was much harder than that

and much better than that too.

You liked this girl, didn't you?

Hmm.

Well, some things are always true.

If you want a happy ending,

you've got to fight for it.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.

It is.

Should have been with him.

Thank you.

Should have been there.

Mom.

HARRY: So this is what a happy ending looks like.

Love someone all your life.

They go before you

and your heart is ripped out.

At least my generation,

the fuck around, fuck up and fuck off generation,

at least we would be spared that.

Bastard.

Look what I've got!

Wow!

Paddy...

I'm sorry.

I'm not giving him up, Gina.

That's for the lawyers to decide.

I changed my life,

taught myself how to care for him the way you do,

and you come back and tell me it's all over.

And expect me to act like it never happened.

Everything all right here?

Get back in the car, Richard.

Yeah, get back in the car, Dickey.

You're lucky,

really lucky that I'm not an aggressive kind of guy.

Bloody women!

I'm not "women," I'm me.

You can't have it both ways.

Expect us to look after the kids the way you do

and then push us aside when it suits you!

-We're not like our fathers! -No, you're not much like your father.

Pat.

Pat.

Your Grandad died in the night.

Grandad had been ill for a long time.

But he's at peace now.

And we can be happy because he's not in pain any more.

Where is he?

Well,

his body is at the hospital.

And later it will be buried.

And we're sad now,

but in a little while though we'll realise

that we were lucky to have known him.

But we can't feel that today. It's too soon.

He's still at the hospital?

Well, his body is.

But his spirit is gone.

What's a spirit?

The spark of life that made your Grandad the man he was.

Where's it gone?

Well some people think it goes to heaven and lives forever.

And some people think it just disappears.

But I think it lives on, somehow.

Where?

Maybe in our hearts.

That's what I believe too.

Hi, what would you...

What would you like?

-Green spaghetti. -We only do noodles here.

Well, I'm adaptable, I'll do noodles.

Have you got the thick kind, they're a bit like spaghetti?

We do udon and broth with prawns, fish, shitake mushrooms and...

I didn't notice your hair.

And that was a mistake.

It means something when a woman changes her hair.

How did you know I was working here?

I didn't.

This isn't exactly the first place in Putney I've tried.

How's your Dad?

The funeral's tomorrow.

Is there anything I can do?

Let me walk you home.

Sorry.

Don't. It's no good for you and it's no good for me.

I want to tell you something.

Just let me explain.

My father has, had,

well, still has this tattoo on his arm.

-I don't want to hear this. -One of those commando knives

and some words underneath.

"United we conquer."

I've been looking at it all my life,

but today, suddenly, it made me think of you and me.

Think about it.

Sure, I'll discuss it with my husband over dinner.

You don't want me. You want Gina.

Well, maybe I did before, a little but not now!

Now, I know what I want.

Jim, no. Jim.

There's nothing. Jim! No!

-You stay away from my wife! -Leave him alone.

If I ever see your face again, you'll lose your teeth!

Go inside!

Just leave me alone, okay?

Just think about what I said.

That's all I ask.

Look at her, Harry.

I can't take her away again, can I?

Well, can I?

Wish us well.

I wish you well.

Give my sympathies to your mother.

I know that she doesn't know who I am

but I'll be thinking about her

and Pat and...

(CHUCKLES)

He would have wanted something more upbeat.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

to celebrate the life of a quite extraordinary man.

Gina.

Thanks for coming.

I, I didn't know if you wanted me to.

Paddy was mad about you.

He loved you, Gina.

Course he'd have wanted you to be here.

-Say goodbye to your Granny. -Bye bye, sweetheart.

You were very good.

Grandad would have been really proud of you.

See you tomorrow, okay?

Okay. Okay, Dad.

You're always measuring yourself against him.

Looking after Pat on his own?

Your Dad could never have done that!

You are a good father in your own way, not his.

He knew that

and he was proud of you for it.

In the end.

When you really love someone,

you don't love them for what's in it for you.

You have to let go.

Mummy and me, we both love you very much, you know that.

Yes.

We both want you to live with us.

But where do you want to live?

-With me? -Yes.

-With Mummy? -Yes.

Following this unprecedented and uncharacteristic incident of adultery,

which Mr Silver admits and deeply regrets,

Mrs Silver abandoned the family, taking the child.

The mother left the boy

in the dubious charge of two adolescents,

in order to fly to Japan.

Fortunately, Mr Silver was able to rescue the boy

and bring him back to his home,

where subsequently Mrs Silver left again.

This time to take up employment in Tokyo.

I called him every day.

Where she began within a matter of weeks,

to cohabit with a,

to use her own expression,

"Semi separated" man.

It happened that the boy was involved in a playground accident.

But Mr Silver dealt with the accident

in an exemplary fashion.

Mrs Silver remained abroad,

whilst the boy was in hospital.

In contrast to Mrs Silver's far eastern activities,

Mr Silver took a part time position,

which allowed him to combine

role of bread winner with sole care of his son.

And it as at this point, that Mrs Silver returns,

some four months later and demands...

-Stop! -JUDGE: Mr Silver?

Just stop! Okay?

Do you know how many grown men I've had weeping in this place?

Men that would give their right bullock just to have what you're throwing away.

She's going to love this, you know that.

I'm not doing it for her. I'm doing it for him.

And I can see you're disappointed, Nigel,

but I'm just thinking of my boy.

Like she did, when she walked out?

All I know is this way

my son gets to have two parents.

And every kid should have two parents if possible

even when they're divorced, especially when they're divorced.

Yes, Mr Batty.

A development.

My client would like to put a new proposal to the court.

The way it'll work is this.

You can keep as much stuff at the house as you want.

Your room is always your room.

Nobody allowed to touch it.

I can come back whenever I want?

For a day, a night, a weekend, whenever. Forever.

Have you and Mum started talking yet?

We're trying.

Do you love each other then?

No, but we both love you.

Where will I sleep at Mummy's?

In the second bedroom.

All done.

It'll be great, Pat.

You can have two lots of Star Wars stuff now.

And you can drive the new neighbours crazy with the hip hop.

And nobody's allowed to touch my old room?

Nobody, ever!

-Not even you? -Not even me.

Living with Mum will be fun, Pat.

I like it now.

Me too,

but things are going to have to change a little bit, Pat.

Because Mummy isn't happy without you.

And Mummy needs to be happy so you can be happy too.

I love you, Daddy.

My boy, my beautiful boy.

Here, let me take those.

Thanks.

This is a big day for Gina.

Big day for all of us.

Sure.

Gina's a Libra.

Home, family.

What sign is Pat?

HARRY: Astrology, excellent.

I wasn't quite ready for Richard to stop being a dick head just yet.

Well, Eamon's waiting.

Thank you, Harry.

Right.

* Someday, when I'm awfully low *

(SIGHING)

Tell me, your American waitress,

-is she on today? -No.

Maybe I can help you.

The reason why I asked you about your colleague is

my friend here,

well, it's embarrassing, but, he thinks he's in love with her.

She was in earlier to pick up her wages.

It didn't work out for her.

-The job? -England.

She's going back to America, any minute now.

Any minute now.

You see, Disco Ken,

all this love, it's bollocks.

Oh, God!

I always knew you were there.

Blast!

Steady there, Jim. I just want a word.

It would have worked if it wasn't for you.

-Has she gone yet? -You'll never make it.

No! No!

Shit!

(HONKING)

Come on!

MAN: Where are you going, mate?

Excuse me, sorry!

I need to know if a passenger has checked in for a Houston flight.

-I'm sorry. -Cyd as in Charisse.

C-Y-D Mason and Peggy Mason.

We don't give that sort of information out.

Cyd! Cyd!

Peggy, we've got a plane to catch. Thank you.

-Excuse me, do you mind. -Peggy!

There's Disco Ken!

We'll get you one in Texas, Peggy.

-You can get them anywhere. -I want that one.

He's mine.

-Thanks. -There you go, sweetheart.

How's Pat?

Living with Gina now

and it seems to be working out.

There were a few teething problems.

The new boyfriend's a bit of a...

A bit alternative

and he doesn't seem to like being hit on the head with a lightsaber.

I keep telling Pat, "No, don't go for the head. Go for the eyes!"

We're leaving on this flight, Harry.

I'll still be seeing him a lot.

Every weekend, one night during the week,

we haven't worked out the school holidays yet but we will.

I saw Jim.

-I was dumb to even try. -No!

You had to try!

-Why did you try? -For Peggy.

But I'm all done with trying now, Harry.

-You can't go! -Why not?

You can't give up on happy endings

just because it didn't happen once.

Twice. Three times counting you.

Those are bad odds.

And now I'm going to bloody cry. Is that what you want?

I want a life with you and Peggy and Pat!

And maybe a kid of our own.

And your kid and my kid fighting our kid.

What kind of life would that be?

I don't know.

But I do know the family we could have together

would be better than any other family we could ever have apart.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

-If you'll just excuse me. -Excuse me, sir.

You go through that metal detector and you'll regret it.

-I told you. -I love you!

Oh, well, that makes everything okay.

Come on, Peggy. You'll get over it.

It's you, Cyd! You're the match!

You're the one!

I'll see you at the Yucatan liquor store, Cyd!

I'll be there!

I found you in Putney. I'll find you in Houston!

It is you!

It is you.

It better be.

-Aw! Yay! -Just in time.

-PAT : Dad. -HARRY: Pat.

PAT: How's it going to work again?

Cyd and I live together here.

As usual, you will have your room.

Which is still my room even when I'm at Mummy's?

Right.

And Peggy has her room,

which is still her room even when she's staying at her Dad's.

So where is the baby going to sleep?

Okay.

We might have to move somewhere bigger.

(BOTH LAUGHING)