Original subtitles

My word, haven't you left yet? Mr. Thorpe's train arrives in 20 minutes.

waiting for Mr. Humphreys.

He's very keen to practice in country matters, and I promised he could have a

on the way to the station.

I'll give him an honk.

Mr. Humphreys, I apologise to Mr. Thorpe and explain that we're trying to

economise on everything, which is why we haven't sent a taxi.

I'll tell him we only used a gallon of hay.

You look so smart, Mr Humphreys. Oh, thank you, Mavis.

I read that magazine called The Field.

Do you know, there was absolutely no one in it that wasn't dressed like this.

Somebody's put too much starch in these jodhpurs. I can't get my leg up.

Oh, really, Mr Humphreys?

Thank you.

Right.

Here's your wet.

I'm here in the rain.

Now, the first thing you must do with horses is to let them know who's in

charge.

Good morning, Neddy.

I'm Mr. Humphreys. I'm the driver. Now, I'm in charge, so don't do anything

until I let you know.

He pricked his ears up.

I've never seen that before.

Right, off you go.

Right.

Walkies!

Oh, he's sick!

Try G up.

G up!

Good morning, Miss Lovelock. Good morning, Captain Peacock.

No wonder you have such a trim figure with all that exercise.

Can I help you?

There's a fork in there.

Of course.

I suppose you must have diverted this yourself when you were attached to the

Bengal Lancers.

When did I mention that?

Last night.

Somewhere between your fourth and fifth martinis.

Yes, well, it was a secret operation. I shouldn't have spoken of it.

It must have been 50 years ago.

Oh, it's still very sensitive politically.

There were stirring times and I was desperately young.

There's so much about you that I don't know.

Did you do any pig sticking?

Only when there was an hour in the month.

Those other girls were terribly attractive.

Oh, terribly.

Were they hungry for men?

We were rationed. Did you have bearers and punker wallers and everything?

Practically everything.

Wish I'd known you then.

Well, you know me now.

Yes.

It's not quite the same thing, is it?

Where's Captain Peacock?

Oh, he's out playing the country gent somewhere.

He's really perked up since we come to the country, isn't he?

If you ask me, it's since he met Miss Lovelock.

He's really got his tongue hanging out after her, isn't he?

Isn't it sad the way men of a certain age go a bit... when some bit of a girl

smiles at them.

I thought she was laughing at him.

That's not what he thought.

I mean, imagine you and I going gaga over some young man just because he

us a bit of come hither.

Oh. Well, I do get a bit of come hither.

Well, so do I.

I get quite a lot of come hither.

But I don't go gaga about it.

Would you ever consider taking a younger lover?

Certainly not, Miss Brahms. What would the neighbours say?

Mind you, I wouldn't say no to a bit of dalliance when on holiday.

I've always had a preference for older men.

They have more to offer.

Yes, Miss Brahms.

Only not so often.

This is very far from the madding crowd, isn't it?

Has anyone ever... told you, you've got good hands.

Not in this context.

When you've had a bit more practice, I'll teach you how to handle a pear.

Still setting your cap up, my woman, I see. I am not your woman, Malcolm

Heathcliff.

You're still trying to come between us. I'm just here to handle the horse.

If you'd have come up on the other side, none of this would have happened.

Do you remember my warning to you?

Yes, I do. You said never go alone. down a dark lane, and I swear to you, I

haven't been near one.

Do you want to get down and have it out now?

I'm missing the train.

He's not afraid of you, Malcolm E. Fletch. Oh, no?

He could have you for breakfast.

I'm on a diet.

You name the time and the place, and I'll be there.

Sorry to barge in when you got your snouts in the trough.

I brought... you some eggs. Mr. Moulton, how dare you come in without knocking?

I'm in my dressing gown.

I've seen you in a sight less than that.

No, Mr. Moulton, you have not. This is all in your imagination.

Was it all in my imagination when you was in the Miss Lovely Legs competition

1942 in Tiverton?

Four. It was 16.

Mind you, she had a figure on her in them days.

I bet you're still there somewhere underneath.

Why couldn't you have been like the other young men of your era and had an

obsession about Betty Grable?

Oh, I did have.

But you was more available.

Mrs. Slocum, I think it's about time we got ready. Mr. Thorpe will be here

shortly. Oh, what does he want this time?

Well, there's some query about a check for a booking made some time ago.

Oh, well, I'd better go and run a bath.

Want your back scrubbed?

Mr. Moulter, one more remark like that and you can take a week's wages and go.

Well, I ain't had a week's wages yet.

Here's the scraps for the goat. Now be off with you and we'll have no more of

your lives.

Yes, miss.

Say, I respect her.

How come he does what you tell him?

I've always had to weigh with animals.

That was very chilly and very bumpy.

Where's Mr. Humphreys?

We had to lie down.

Mavis has got a very jealous boyfriend.

You read it, Miss Brahms. My hands are still shaking.

You don't want to pay no heed to Malcolm. He's just larking about.

Do you know what boys are?

I'm beginning to remember.

Don't go down any lanes, even in daylight, or you'll find some rough lads

waiting for you.

Decisions, decisions.

Good evening, Mr Thorpe.

Sit yourself down, Miss Lovelock. Pour Mr Thorpe a drink.

What'll it be, Mr Thorpe? A whiskey, vodka, gin, brandy?

Oh, yes, well, that one does.

With a twist of lemon.

Oh, I hope I haven't kept you waiting, Mr Thorpe. But I've had such a shock.

I heard a sort of meowing while I was putting my nightclothes away.

And do you know, I found my pussies wrapped in my drawers.

Make that a double, Miss Love.

Now, as I understand it, a booking was made some months ago when a cheque was

paid for a cultural visit for a party from... Where was it?

Outer Mongolia. Where's that?

Next to Inner Mongolia.

What's the problem?

Well, the currency from that part of the world fluctuates a lot.

What's the rate of exchange?

Well, at the time of the booking, the Mongolian dung was 200 to the pound.

Unfortunately, the dung has fallen.

Where does that leave us?

Deep in the Mongolian currency.

It stands today at... 500 to the pound.

I had hoped, Mr Thorpe, that the Grace Trust Fund would make up the shortfall.

No, I'm afraid that's not possible.

A couple of clauses were typed in shortly before his demise.

Were they witnessed?

Yes, by Miss Lovelock.

I was there. I had to type them at three o 'clock in the morning.

Mr Grace took out his portable there and then and made me take them down.

Ah, the energy of the man.

He also initialed them.

In a very shaky hand.

Well, it's perfectly simple. We just give them bed and breakfast.

Well, it's not as simple as all that. We contracted for full board.

Also what you might call a cultural event.

Now, what does that mean?

I think young Mr. Grace's intention was to hire people from the Royal Ballet,

the English National Opera, and Stratford -upon -Avon to perform

we certainly can't afford that.

Mind you, I once sold Vanessa Redgrave a red berry.

And a macadosh and a pair of plimsolls.

I wonder if she'd remember.

Rather a long shot, Mrs. Slocum.

Well, she often wears them.

Well, do we have any other connections with theatre or music?

Well, I once turned over for Sir Malcolm Sargent.

Well, they've paid their money, so they'll expect something, be it ever so

humble. Well, you can forget the National Opera and the Royal Ballet.

what we can find in the local amateur societies.

Yes, well, time is on our side. I shall put an advertisement in the local paper.

I've got the post.

Oh, sit yourself down, Mr. Rumbled. I'm just making some coffee.

Mostly bills, I'm afraid.

Any replies to your advertisement about cultural talent?

Well, there's a man here who offers to put ferrets down his trousers to the

strains of Handel's water music.

Oh, how many ferrets?

His record is seven.

My dad used to do that. He used to put six ferrets down his trousers and then

a clog dance.

But he had to give it up because the ferrets went on strike.

I'm not surprised.

I think the noise of the clog's given them a date.

Well, that's all we have, Super.

Oh, what have you got in your purse, Mr. Humphrey? Oh, my mother sent me my

photo album.

Look. Oh, no, no, it's too embarrassing.

Go on.

All right.

Oh, look at that.

Look, look at that. That's me stark naked except for a nappy on a half rug.

How old were you?

27.

I'd been to a fancy dress party. I passed out in the parlour.

And now let me see. There's me as a little baby, look.

There's me grandad throwing me in the air.

There's me grandad missing me.

There's the ambulance.

And there's me grandma standing on me life support system.

Oh, don't tell me you nearly died.

Oh, it was touching, girl.

I was unconscious.

I was going down this long tunnel.

And there was a man at the end, wagging his finger like that.

He said, we're not ready for you yet.

And we're not sure when we will be.

Did he have wings like an angel?

No, he was dressed as a bus conductor.

Do you know, I believe there is a life after we pop off. I believe it's just

like church windows with lovely music playing and everyone being kind to each

other. Sounds very boring.

Well, don't tell me you're an even unbeliever.

Don't rumble.

Well, I did have a very strange experience once.

I regressed to a previous life. It was my dentist that did it. He said I went

into a trance while I was having gas for these caps.

Oh, yeah, some of them are quite lifelike.

Well, apparently during the trance, I remembered being something big in

Egypt. Oh.

none of which bring us any closer to solving our cultural entertainment

problems. I'm surprised that so few people have replied to our

Well, folks around here don't like to push themselves and show off, but we've

had some fine shows down the village.

Oh, Dad knows all the people.

Well, if you tell him what you want, he'll find them for you.

Hello?

This is Morris Moulter.

Is your mother in?

to speak quiet because I'm at the manor.

Ask your mother if she can still get her legs round that cellar.

He don't hear too good.

Oh, the poor little lad.

How old is he?

Sixty -two.

She can?

Well, ask her to get round to the manor this afternoon at three o 'clock.

Well, that's a few I got for you.

There's the list.

Oh, well, that's really very good.

Now then, who's going to audition them?

Well, I was at the ballet school as a child.

I'll have a look at the dancers.

And I know quite a bit about singing.

Oh, I'm such a fan of that New Zealand singer, Kiri Kiri Wariwatsumi.

You and Mrs. Axelbert used to do duets, didn't you? Nellie Dean down there.

Well, on occasion. But, of course, we did the classics as well, you know.

Oh, I remember one night after closing time, we did the Barber of Seville in

snug. I bet he wished he'd supped up and gone home.

I'll volunteer to audition anybody who aspires to render Shakespeare.

Oh, yes, Captain Peacock, you have such a mellow tone. I'm surprised you didn't

become a BBC announcer.

Surely you must have been at some time, Captain Peacock.

It was between me and Robin Day.

Unfortunately, I was too likeable.

Well, I used to have elocution lessons, but you feel such a Burke talking posh

in Catford.

You know, that's a side of you I'm not acquainted with, Miss Browns. Oh, the

lazy Brian Fox jumped over the brown car and the dog ran away with the fool.

Do you often use that sentence in conversation?

Only when someone gets up my hooter.

Who's that?

Oh, that's me and the girl next door.

She looks quite nice.

Was there anything between you two?

Only the fence.

She used to play with my hornby.

I used to spring clean her doll's house.

That's probably why you're so tidy.

You keep our room lovely.

My mother always says, a place for everything and everything in its place.

You ought to let me take care of all that. Give you time for more manly

like having a scrap with Malcolm.

I've been meaning to talk to you about this. Couldn't you write him a letter or

something and say there's nothing in it? Well, I did try to explain to him.

I told him that all we do is sleep together.

Couldn't your dad talk to his mum?

Malcolm won't start nothing unless he's had too much to drink.

Or he's had a bad day on his old tractor.

He's got that ringing in his ears.

Or he loses it dark.

What's he like when it rains? Terrible.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for the weather forecast.

Are you ready for Mrs. Tregan?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

She's rosin' her bow.

She's going to give us her impersonation of Julian Lloyd Webber.

Well, I hope you're not going to do anything too difficult.

Well, her age, getting her legs round the cello ain't easy.

Mrs. Clegghampton.

Why are we applauding her?

Get in there.

Thank you for coming along, Mrs. Clegghampton.

I think as I'm organizing this, I'd better do the talking.

Could you give us a resume of your previous experience?

You may not believe this, but 40 years ago, I played with Sir Thomas Beecham.

Strangely enough, I've just read his autobiography.

Did he mention... Mention what?

Sir Clegg Hampton.

Not that I recall.

Surprisingly forgot.

Where is your instrument, Mrs Clegg Hampton?

Well, I can't carry it.

I've enough trouble playing it. It's outside.

Oh, Mr. Melted, Mrs. Clegg -Hampton's cello, please.

When did you make your debut?

Beg pardon?

When was the first time you performed in public?

That would be telling, wouldn't it?

I think it's better if I handle this peacock.

When did you give up playing professionally?

When my G -string broke on the last night of the prom.

I wonder if that was under Sir Thomas.

Your cello.

Is

she going to

play it or ride it?

Sir Thomas must have been a very patient man.

I've given her ten points already and she hasn't played it.

Shall I start?

May we know what the piece is called?

The Dying Swan by Sainson.

Sainsbury's?

Sainson. Ah, good.

But I don't do the twiddly bits no more.

mustaches and spikes on their helmets like your brinner.

Instead of which, the one with the Gucci boots looks just like Lionel Blair.

They say they're very keen on rice in Mongolia, so I'm steaming long rice in

this pot and short rice in this one. What's the difference?

About that much.

They've sent a box of food down for them to eat. What's in it? I don't know. I

can't read Mongolian.

The picture on the tin looks like a frog with antlers.

She obviously couldn't afford a stamp.

What's it say?

If you go down in the woods today, you're in for a big surprise.

You'll have to go just to call his bluff.

If I go, I'll have to call an ambulance.

We'll be down any minute now. Now, are we quite clear what we're going to do?

Well, we didn't have much luck with the local talent, but I think we can give

them a taste of British culture one way or another. Yes, well, as none of them

speak English, I expect we can get away with it.

One hopes that they're going to get their dungs worth.

Oh, heavens, what's this?

Oh, well, Captain Peacock and Mrs. Slocum are going to perform an extract

an operetta. They're going to sing the donkey song from Veronique. What does

donkey do?

Nothing, I hope.

I just walks him on.

They sing.

I think it would be better if you kept him at the back, out of sight, until I

give you the cue, Mr. Moulton.

Or tether him. Come on.

The interpreter gave me the music for the Outer Mongolian National Anthem, so

we're off to a good start.

This is Miss Long Wee.

The interpreter.

Yes, we've already met.

So. So.

So. So.

So, what happens?

So... I think we're nearly ready to begin.

To begin with, the Mongolian National Anthem, played by Mr.

Bumbled and the piano and my dad on the gong.

Have you done?

English light opera, an extract from Ronique by Messenger, sung by them world

-renowned duettists Peacock and Slocum.

Peacock and Slocum. Hotchum.

Ha! Got you that time!

Mr Moulthead, the donkey!

I'll tell you.

Now.

by a well -known electrocutionist, Shirley Brown.

I would like to give you my Porsche.

Your delegation said he was going to buy a BMW, but will you gladly accept your

offer of a Porsche?

I've got a right bunch here.

The quality

of mercy is not strained.

Considerate drop death.

It falls as a gentle rain from heaven.

How's she doing?

She's just coming to the end of it.

Surprisingly enough, she's used some of the original words.

Well, of course, we were a very hard act to follow.

From the world of drama to the world of ballet, with an extract from Romeo and

Juliet, please welcome Natasha Lovelock and Sergei Onfrey.

is looking for Juliet.

Can I help?

They want to know which one is Juliet.

The very pretty one.