All language subtitles for Grace and Favour s02e05

My word, haven't you left yet? Mr.
Thorpe's train arrives in 20 minutes.

waiting for Mr. Humphreys.

He's very keen to practice in country
matters, and I promised he could have a

on the way to the station.

I'll give him an honk.

Mr. Humphreys, I apologise to Mr. Thorpe
and explain that we're trying to

economise on everything, which is why we
haven't sent a taxi.

I'll tell him we only used a gallon of
hay.

You look so smart, Mr Humphreys. Oh,
thank you, Mavis.

I read that magazine called The Field.

Do you know, there was absolutely no one
in it that wasn't dressed like this.

Somebody's put too much starch in these
jodhpurs. I can't get my leg up.

Oh, really, Mr Humphreys?

Thank you.

Right.

Here's your wet.

I'm here in the rain.

Now, the first thing you must do with
horses is to let them know who's in

charge.

Good morning, Neddy.

I'm Mr. Humphreys. I'm the driver. Now,
I'm in charge, so don't do anything

until I let you know.

He pricked his ears up.

I've never seen that before.

Right, off you go.

Right.

Walkies!

Oh, he's sick!

Try G up.

G up!

Good morning, Miss Lovelock. Good
morning, Captain Peacock.

No wonder you have such a trim figure
with all that exercise.

Can I help you?

There's a fork in there.

Of course.

I suppose you must have diverted this
yourself when you were attached to the

Bengal Lancers.

When did I mention that?

Last night.

Somewhere between your fourth and fifth
martinis.

Yes, well, it was a secret operation. I
shouldn't have spoken of it.

It must have been 50 years ago.

Oh, it's still very sensitive
politically.

There were stirring times and I was
desperately young.

There's so much about you that I don't
know.

Did you do any pig sticking?

Only when there was an hour in the
month.

Those other girls were terribly
attractive.

Oh, terribly.

Were they hungry for men?

We were rationed. Did you have bearers
and punker wallers and everything?

Practically everything.

Wish I'd known you then.

Well, you know me now.

Yes.

It's not quite the same thing, is it?

Where's Captain Peacock?

Oh, he's out playing the country gent
somewhere.

He's really perked up since we come to
the country, isn't he?

If you ask me, it's since he met Miss
Lovelock.

He's really got his tongue hanging out
after her, isn't he?

Isn't it sad the way men of a certain
age go a bit... when some bit of a girl

smiles at them.

I thought she was laughing at him.

That's not what he thought.

I mean, imagine you and I going gaga
over some young man just because he

us a bit of come hither.

Oh. Well, I do get a bit of come hither.

Well, so do I.

I get quite a lot of come hither.

But I don't go gaga about it.

Would you ever consider taking a younger
lover?

Certainly not, Miss Brahms. What would
the neighbours say?

Mind you, I wouldn't say no to a bit of
dalliance when on holiday.

I've always had a preference for older
men.

They have more to offer.

Yes, Miss Brahms.

Only not so often.

This is very far from the madding crowd,
isn't it?

Has anyone ever... told you, you've got
good hands.

Not in this context.

When you've had a bit more practice,
I'll teach you how to handle a pear.

Still setting your cap up, my woman, I
see. I am not your woman, Malcolm

Heathcliff.

You're still trying to come between us.
I'm just here to handle the horse.

If you'd have come up on the other side,
none of this would have happened.

Do you remember my warning to you?

Yes, I do. You said never go alone. down
a dark lane, and I swear to you, I

haven't been near one.

Do you want to get down and have it out
now?

I'm missing the train.

He's not afraid of you, Malcolm E.
Fletch. Oh, no?

He could have you for breakfast.

I'm on a diet.

You name the time and the place, and
I'll be there.

Sorry to barge in when you got your
snouts in the trough.

I brought... you some eggs. Mr. Moulton,
how dare you come in without knocking?

I'm in my dressing gown.

I've seen you in a sight less than that.

No, Mr. Moulton, you have not. This is
all in your imagination.

Was it all in my imagination when you
was in the Miss Lovely Legs competition

1942 in Tiverton?

Four. It was 16.

Mind you, she had a figure on her in
them days.

I bet you're still there somewhere
underneath.

Why couldn't you have been like the
other young men of your era and had an

obsession about Betty Grable?

Oh, I did have.

But you was more available.

Mrs. Slocum, I think it's about time we
got ready. Mr. Thorpe will be here

shortly. Oh, what does he want this
time?

Well, there's some query about a check
for a booking made some time ago.

Oh, well, I'd better go and run a bath.

Want your back scrubbed?

Mr. Moulter, one more remark like that
and you can take a week's wages and go.

Well, I ain't had a week's wages yet.

Here's the scraps for the goat. Now be
off with you and we'll have no more of

your lives.

Yes, miss.

Say, I respect her.

How come he does what you tell him?

I've always had to weigh with animals.

That was very chilly and very bumpy.

Where's Mr. Humphreys?

We had to lie down.

Mavis has got a very jealous boyfriend.

You read it, Miss Brahms. My hands are
still shaking.

You don't want to pay no heed to
Malcolm. He's just larking about.

Do you know what boys are?

I'm beginning to remember.

Don't go down any lanes, even in
daylight, or you'll find some rough lads

waiting for you.

Decisions, decisions.

Good evening, Mr Thorpe.

Sit yourself down, Miss Lovelock. Pour
Mr Thorpe a drink.

What'll it be, Mr Thorpe? A whiskey,
vodka, gin, brandy?

Oh, yes, well, that one does.

With a twist of lemon.

Oh, I hope I haven't kept you waiting,
Mr Thorpe. But I've had such a shock.

I heard a sort of meowing while I was
putting my nightclothes away.

And do you know, I found my pussies
wrapped in my drawers.

Make that a double, Miss Love.

Now, as I understand it, a booking was
made some months ago when a cheque was

paid for a cultural visit for a party
from... Where was it?

Outer Mongolia. Where's that?

Next to Inner Mongolia.

What's the problem?

Well, the currency from that part of the
world fluctuates a lot.

What's the rate of exchange?

Well, at the time of the booking, the
Mongolian dung was 200 to the pound.

Unfortunately, the dung has fallen.

Where does that leave us?

Deep in the Mongolian currency.

It stands today at... 500 to the pound.

I had hoped, Mr Thorpe, that the Grace
Trust Fund would make up the shortfall.

No, I'm afraid that's not possible.

A couple of clauses were typed in
shortly before his demise.

Were they witnessed?

Yes, by Miss Lovelock.

I was there. I had to type them at three
o 'clock in the morning.

Mr Grace took out his portable there and
then and made me take them down.

Ah, the energy of the man.

He also initialed them.

In a very shaky hand.

Well, it's perfectly simple. We just
give them bed and breakfast.

Well, it's not as simple as all that. We
contracted for full board.

Also what you might call a cultural
event.

Now, what does that mean?

I think young Mr. Grace's intention was
to hire people from the Royal Ballet,

the English National Opera, and
Stratford -upon -Avon to perform

we certainly can't afford that.

Mind you, I once sold Vanessa Redgrave a
red berry.

And a macadosh and a pair of plimsolls.

I wonder if she'd remember.

Rather a long shot, Mrs. Slocum.

Well, she often wears them.

Well, do we have any other connections
with theatre or music?

Well, I once turned over for Sir Malcolm
Sargent.

Well, they've paid their money, so
they'll expect something, be it ever so

humble. Well, you can forget the
National Opera and the Royal Ballet.

what we can find in the local amateur
societies.

Yes, well, time is on our side. I shall
put an advertisement in the local paper.

I've got the post.

Oh, sit yourself down, Mr. Rumbled. I'm
just making some coffee.

Mostly bills, I'm afraid.

Any replies to your advertisement about
cultural talent?

Well, there's a man here who offers to
put ferrets down his trousers to the

strains of Handel's water music.

Oh, how many ferrets?

His record is seven.

My dad used to do that. He used to put
six ferrets down his trousers and then

a clog dance.

But he had to give it up because the
ferrets went on strike.

I'm not surprised.

I think the noise of the clog's given
them a date.

Well, that's all we have, Super.

Oh, what have you got in your purse, Mr.
Humphrey? Oh, my mother sent me my

photo album.

Look. Oh, no, no, it's too embarrassing.

Go on.

All right.

Oh, look at that.

Look, look at that. That's me stark
naked except for a nappy on a half rug.

How old were you?

27.

I'd been to a fancy dress party. I
passed out in the parlour.

And now let me see. There's me as a
little baby, look.

There's me grandad throwing me in the
air.

There's me grandad missing me.

There's the ambulance.

And there's me grandma standing on me
life support system.

Oh, don't tell me you nearly died.

Oh, it was touching, girl.

I was unconscious.

I was going down this long tunnel.

And there was a man at the end, wagging
his finger like that.

He said, we're not ready for you yet.

And we're not sure when we will be.

Did he have wings like an angel?

No, he was dressed as a bus conductor.

Do you know, I believe there is a life
after we pop off. I believe it's just

like church windows with lovely music
playing and everyone being kind to each

other. Sounds very boring.

Well, don't tell me you're an even
unbeliever.

Don't rumble.

Well, I did have a very strange
experience once.

I regressed to a previous life. It was
my dentist that did it. He said I went

into a trance while I was having gas for
these caps.

Oh, yeah, some of them are quite
lifelike.

Well, apparently during the trance, I
remembered being something big in

Egypt. Oh.

none of which bring us any closer to
solving our cultural entertainment

problems. I'm surprised that so few
people have replied to our

Well, folks around here don't like to
push themselves and show off, but we've

had some fine shows down the village.

Oh, Dad knows all the people.

Well, if you tell him what you want,
he'll find them for you.

Hello?

This is Morris Moulter.

Is your mother in?

to speak quiet because I'm at the manor.

Ask your mother if she can still get her
legs round that cellar.

He don't hear too good.

Oh, the poor little lad.

How old is he?

Sixty -two.

She can?

Well, ask her to get round to the manor
this afternoon at three o 'clock.

Well, that's a few I got for you.

There's the list.

Oh, well, that's really very good.

Now then, who's going to audition them?

Well, I was at the ballet school as a
child.

I'll have a look at the dancers.

And I know quite a bit about singing.

Oh, I'm such a fan of that New Zealand
singer, Kiri Kiri Wariwatsumi.

You and Mrs. Axelbert used to do duets,
didn't you? Nellie Dean down there.

Well, on occasion. But, of course, we
did the classics as well, you know.

Oh, I remember one night after closing
time, we did the Barber of Seville in

snug. I bet he wished he'd supped up and
gone home.

I'll volunteer to audition anybody who
aspires to render Shakespeare.

Oh, yes, Captain Peacock, you have such
a mellow tone. I'm surprised you didn't

become a BBC announcer.

Surely you must have been at some time,
Captain Peacock.

It was between me and Robin Day.

Unfortunately, I was too likeable.

Well, I used to have elocution lessons,
but you feel such a Burke talking posh

in Catford.

You know, that's a side of you I'm not
acquainted with, Miss Browns. Oh, the

lazy Brian Fox jumped over the brown car
and the dog ran away with the fool.

Do you often use that sentence in
conversation?

Only when someone gets up my hooter.

Who's that?

Oh, that's me and the girl next door.

She looks quite nice.

Was there anything between you two?

Only the fence.

She used to play with my hornby.

I used to spring clean her doll's house.

That's probably why you're so tidy.

You keep our room lovely.

My mother always says, a place for
everything and everything in its place.

You ought to let me take care of all
that. Give you time for more manly

like having a scrap with Malcolm.

I've been meaning to talk to you about
this. Couldn't you write him a letter or

something and say there's nothing in it?
Well, I did try to explain to him.

I told him that all we do is sleep
together.

Couldn't your dad talk to his mum?

Malcolm won't start nothing unless he's
had too much to drink.

Or he's had a bad day on his old
tractor.

He's got that ringing in his ears.

Or he loses it dark.

What's he like when it rains? Terrible.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for the weather forecast.

Are you ready for Mrs. Tregan?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

She's rosin' her bow.

She's going to give us her impersonation
of Julian Lloyd Webber.

Well, I hope you're not going to do
anything too difficult.

Well, her age, getting her legs round
the cello ain't easy.

Mrs. Clegghampton.

Why are we applauding her?

Get in there.

Thank you for coming along, Mrs.
Clegghampton.

I think as I'm organizing this, I'd
better do the talking.

Could you give us a resume of your
previous experience?

You may not believe this, but 40 years
ago, I played with Sir Thomas Beecham.

Strangely enough, I've just read his
autobiography.

Did he mention... Mention what?

Sir Clegg Hampton.

Not that I recall.

Surprisingly forgot.

Where is your instrument, Mrs Clegg
Hampton?

Well, I can't carry it.

I've enough trouble playing it. It's
outside.

Oh, Mr. Melted, Mrs. Clegg -Hampton's
cello, please.

When did you make your debut?

Beg pardon?

When was the first time you performed in
public?

That would be telling, wouldn't it?

I think it's better if I handle this
peacock.

When did you give up playing
professionally?

When my G -string broke on the last
night of the prom.

I wonder if that was under Sir Thomas.

Your cello.

Is

she going to

play it or ride it?

Sir Thomas must have been a very patient
man.

I've given her ten points already and
she hasn't played it.

Shall I start?

May we know what the piece is called?

The Dying Swan by Sainson.

Sainsbury's?

Sainson. Ah, good.

But I don't do the twiddly bits no more.

mustaches and spikes on their helmets
like your brinner.

Instead of which, the one with the Gucci
boots looks just like Lionel Blair.

They say they're very keen on rice in
Mongolia, so I'm steaming long rice in

this pot and short rice in this one.
What's the difference?

About that much.

They've sent a box of food down for them
to eat. What's in it? I don't know. I

can't read Mongolian.

The picture on the tin looks like a frog
with antlers.

She obviously couldn't afford a stamp.

What's it say?

If you go down in the woods today,
you're in for a big surprise.

You'll have to go just to call his
bluff.

If I go, I'll have to call an ambulance.

We'll be down any minute now. Now, are
we quite clear what we're going to do?

Well, we didn't have much luck with the
local talent, but I think we can give

them a taste of British culture one way
or another. Yes, well, as none of them

speak English, I expect we can get away
with it.

One hopes that they're going to get
their dungs worth.

Oh, heavens, what's this?

Oh, well, Captain Peacock and Mrs.
Slocum are going to perform an extract

an operetta. They're going to sing the
donkey song from Veronique. What does

donkey do?

Nothing, I hope.

I just walks him on.

They sing.

I think it would be better if you kept
him at the back, out of sight, until I

give you the cue, Mr. Moulton.

Or tether him. Come on.

The interpreter gave me the music for
the Outer Mongolian National Anthem, so

we're off to a good start.

This is Miss Long Wee.

The interpreter.

Yes, we've already met.

So. So.

So. So.

So, what happens?

So... I think we're nearly ready to
begin.

To begin with, the Mongolian National
Anthem, played by Mr.

Bumbled and the piano and my dad on the
gong.

Have you done?

English light opera, an extract from
Ronique by Messenger, sung by them world

-renowned duettists Peacock and Slocum.

Peacock and Slocum. Hotchum.

Ha! Got you that time!

Mr Moulthead, the donkey!

I'll tell you.

Now.

by a well -known electrocutionist,
Shirley Brown.

I would like to give you my Porsche.

Your delegation said he was going to buy
a BMW, but will you gladly accept your

offer of a Porsche?

I've got a right bunch here.

The quality

of mercy is not strained.

Considerate drop death.

It falls as a gentle rain from heaven.

How's she doing?

She's just coming to the end of it.

Surprisingly enough, she's used some of
the original words.

Well, of course, we were a very hard act
to follow.

From the world of drama to the world of
ballet, with an extract from Romeo and

Juliet, please welcome Natasha Lovelock
and Sergei Onfrey.

is looking for Juliet.

Can I help?

They want to know which one is Juliet.

The very pretty one.