Original subtitles

Bye.

Goodbye.

Ah, goodbye, Mr. Lubitsch. I do hope your group enjoyed your stay at

Manor. Yeah, great. Well, very quaint.

Is the coach outside?

The hall porter is indisposed, so the waiter and barman will take the cases

to the coach.

Mr. Huntress, are you free?

I'm free.

Do you have the cases out, coach?

I'm right in the middle of counting my gherkins.

There's one missing.

Pick up. Pick up.

Are you free?

The room service finished three minutes ago, sir.

Good. Help Humphreys with the cases.

Certainly, sir.

When I return, I'd like a few words with you about the conditions of my

employment.

Well, goodbye and good luck at Gatwick.

Have they gone?

Yes, just getting on the coach for Gatwick.

What a tingey lot. All I got was their loose change and a couple of Greek

drachmas. What did you get, Miss Roberts?

Well, the bald -headed one, he gave me 50 quid. Miss Roberts!

What did you do to get that?

Just bit me lip to stop myself telling him it wasn't a fiver.

Now, remember, all tips are to be shared equally.

What did you get, Mr. Humphries? Fifty pence and a slight hernia.

The next time you do that to me, I shall do that to you.

I left my cleaning in a case at the bottom of the stairs. Where's it gone?

Gatwick and Disneyland.

Oh, God.

Stop!

Let's go and see if Nathan's got the kettle on. What a good idea.

Here.

Get that thing, you dad.

Thanks.

Then I shall be going fertilize the rhubarb.

They don't make tea like they used to, you know.

You've got to suck the tea bags before you get any taste.

Yeah, you be a... of yourself, Dad.

Did them Americans give you any tips when you showed them round the farm?

Well, I made them all climb over a five -bar gate.

A lot of chains fell out of their pockets.

Oh, thank goodness that's not gone.

Oh, I got a nice cup of tea for you.

If you suck the tea bags.

You get the cups out, Mr. Umphrey. Right, ma 'am.

Now, what shall we have?

Daddy bear or baby bear?

Oh, let's have the large one, Mr. Humphreys. I find that Americans give me

a thirst.

Well, they always used to.

Mind you, they gave us quite a nice little check.

1 ,700 pounds.

Yes, we're keeping our heads above water.

One wonders if one really needs to employ any extra staff.

If we all muck in, we don't have to pay any wages, and there's all the more for

us. It's all very well for you, Mr.

Rumbold. I've never seen you do anything more energetic than that.

I do it to create the right atmosphere.

You haven't created it with me.

And you don't have to unfollow the loon. And you don't have to erase the tide

marks from the bar.

You want to leave, eh?

They remind you how much hot water you can use.

I've got one that goes back to 1937.

1949, then.

Go and fertilise the rhubarb, Dad.

Does he do that with a watering can?

Yeah, something like that.

No wonder someone said the sprouts tasted of Tetley.

What's that?

It sounds like a girl's voice.

It's either clothes pegs or a tube of glue.

Oh, it's Miss Littlewood. She was the lady magistrate when you fell foul of

law. Oh, don't remind me.

Can I come in?

I tried the front, but the bell pull came away in my hand.

Do come in, Miss Littlewood.

Oh, you remember me.

I remember you.

Come and sit down.

I remember you from court. You gave your evidence so well.

And the light seemed to strike your eyes in the most startling fashion.

Really? You don't wear contact lenses, do you?

Not up till now, no.

Mind you, I'm better further away than closer to.

I'm the other way.

I'm in between.

Bifocals.

And to what do we owe the great pleasure of this visit?

It's nothing to do with the case, I hope. Oh, no, I'm here to talk about

cricket.

Young Mr. Grates used to let us use the pitch on your lawn and he'd make up a

team from Millstone Manor. I was wondering if you'd continue the

Oh, well, we'd love to, I'm sure.

Now, how many men can we field?

There's Mr. Rumbold and myself and Mr.

Moulthard. And I'm sure Mr. Humphreys is not totally unacquainted with a crack

of willow against leather.

He's heard that for years.

He's talking about cricket, Mr.

Humphreys. Oh, I know.

I've often wanted to deliver a fast one from the gasworks, eh?

Actually, it's a mixed team, boys and girls.

Just a bit of fun.

Well, in that case, with Mrs. Slocum and Miss Browns and Lovelock and Mavis, we

can make up eight, provided they're willing, of course.

I'm sure Miss Brahms is gay.

Well, for cricket, yes.

I'm not sure about Mrs. Slocum.

I'd have you know, Miss Brahms, that when I was a land girl, we played the

and I was the opening bowler. And I'm here to tell you that my bouncers were

greatly respected.

Well, I usually stand by. That means nice.

Well, Dad's got a couple of local firemen who help out when we're busy.

They can make up the tea.

Do cricketers wear make -up?

Yes, well, it sounds as if we've got a team. Will we be playing against the

village, great tender?

Well, they can only muster about half a dozen, so they'll be playing with tender

bottom.

I'm foaming at the mouth, so it's your turn now.

Right, let's turn it around then.

Captain Peacock, you go to the back. Mr Humphrey to the front.

There we are. Now get a good grip.

Just what exactly are you going to do?

I shall start you off and guide you.

I thought it would be something like that.

Come

along,

Miss Brahms.

Help me to spread out the tent.

Right, now then. One, two, three.

Heave! Far away!

Keep it up, keep it up. You're doing very well. Mr. Humphreys, you're not

straight. I'm trying to, believe me.

Poor Mr. Humphreys. The veins are standing out on his forehead.

He certainly knows how to throw himself into things, don't he?

I hope he don't strain them.

I don't think you'll damage anything he's going to use.

Not much further.

Only a few yards.

How are you bearing up, Mr. Humphreys? I'm exhausted.

This is the first thing I've pulled since we got here.

You've got to spoil your fun.

You've got over my white lines and you've made about four more creases.

Oh, dear. What are we going to do about that?

Well, you were guiding us.

I suggest you get a pot of green paint and paint them out.

Now, what do we do next? I'm not sure we've gone about this the right way.

I thought they'd have sent a book of instructions, wouldn't you?

Oh, his dad, he'll know.

Oh, what a bloomin' mess. I'd never seen anything like it in all me life.

You're making a right pick of that, ain't you? You're doing it all wrong.

All together wrong. A constructive suggestion wouldn't go amiss, Mr.

Well, you see them poles?

Well, they're what holds it up.

Now, they are no good on the outside. They've got to be on the inside.

So what do we do?

Well, it is like this.

The spikes on the poles must go in the holes.

What holes, Mr.

Molden? Them holes!

Now, I tell you what. You two hold the tent for us.

Grab a pole, Mrs. Slocum. I'll show you where to put it.

This is just like old times, isn't it? I have no recollection of anything

occurring between us in old times, as you put it, other than a brief encounter

in Tiverton.

Huh? I teach, I teach.

Look, can we get on with this?

Go on, then.

is helping Mrs. Slocum put the poles in the old.

Mr. Boulter, will you please be careful where you're putting your poles?

There's something showing here, so you know next time.

There's not going to be a next time.

I'm getting mine in.

How is it for you?

Oh, no.

That's a long way to go yet.

Don't you think we ought to give them a hand?

They seem to be managing very well.

But the thing slipped out.

Move over.

I'll do it. Oh, stay where you are, Mr. Motel.

Oh, oh, I've done it.

It's obviously more complicated than it looks.

Dad hasn't done it for a long time.

Well,

I can't be doing that again in a hurry.

Well, what happens now?

Well, we've got to bang on the knobs and we need a good pull.

Here they are.

Now, shove them on the spikes.

I'll take one of those.

Don't overdo it, Mr. Rumble.

Now, we need a bit of weight on the other end of the pole.

Now, you put your foot on that one. You may be enough.

Hold it back with this one.

The rest of you, take the ropes.

Now, you leave all the pulling to me, Mr. Humphreys. You've done more than

fair share today.

I should never have let you go on that roller.

You know, I was getting varicose veins in me forehead.

You ready?

Miss Lovelock, will you give us a start?

How do you suggest I do that, Captain Peacock? Lift the pole a few feet and

we'll go the rest of the way.

I wouldn't have thought it would take eight grown people to raise one small

marquee.

Ready?

That includes you, Mr Rumble.

I would say, if at first you don't succeed, get somebody else to do it.

Oh, what are you doing?

We're making something for the cricket team.

What are they? Well, I've done the sandwiches and the scones.

I thought we'd have some gingerbread men.

Oh, do you know, I've always wanted to make these, but my mother wouldn't let

after the first time.

She didn't like where I was putting the currants.

Well, you can have a go now, but you've got to let me give you a little kiss

first. All right, go on, then.

You can open your eyes now.

That was quite nice, really.

Do you want another one? No, no, no.

I don't think you know how nice you are.

Oh, it's not that, Mavis. It's just that, well, I think we should keep our

relationship as it is.

Just sharing a bed together.

You're right. We don't want people to talk, do we?

They're talking already.

Well, maybe we should get married.

It's stopped me talking.

You know, Mavis, just think of us as making gingerbread men together.

You don't want to share that together no more?

Actually, no, that's working out quite well, especially in the cold weather.

There's something I must explain. You see, there's a big difference between

Well, there's a big difference between me, anyway.

I mean, you're very young, and I'm...

Well, I mean, let me put it this way. If my life was a train ride from London to

Birmingham, I've just gone flat out past rugby.

I don't care.

I still want to be there when you hit the buffers.

Now look what you've made me do.

There's so many currents on there, it looks as though he's got chicken pox.

Water carrier for baseball players. Seven letters.

Picture.

Thank you.

That's the answer I was just putting in.

Do you get a prize for doing that?

Not in the Times.

It just exercises the mind.

Mind you, I suppose that's all you can exercise now.

Moulton had just brought round this bag of cricketing gear.

Are you free, Captain Peacock? Something with big ears, four eyes, full of wind,

and doesn't work.

Oh, is that a clue?

No, more a comment.

I call up a batting order.

I shall open the innings with Captain Peacock. We'll wear down the bowlers.

You could do that just by talking to him.

Do we understand that you have already appointed yourself captain?

Well, I'm quite prepared to step aside if anyone else thinks they're better

qualified. You might like to know that in my last term, I hit a six to win the

school match.

Well, I once hit two fours. Any advance on eight?

The captain has to buy the winning team a round of drinks.

In that case, Mr. Rumble's the captain.

Then there's Miss Lovelock.

I've left the rest open until we see what sort of people Mole Turd produces.

Now... When it's our turn to field, B.

Slocum will open the bowling. I'm sorry, Mr. Rumble, but I put my shoulder out

under the tent.

Oh, putting the pole in the hole?

Fending off Mr.

Moulton.

Oh, dear, that's a big disappointment.

I fend the old bat.

Thank you, Mr. Moulton.

Mind you, I was quite good behind the wicket.

Not half as good as she was behind the sight screen.

If he was the newspaper, you could sue him for deforming your character.

He obviously has very fond memories of you. You're probably the first girl he

ever kissed.

I didn't kiss him!

It's all in his imagination!

Well, he's obviously had a little candle burning for you all these years.

Well, I never lit his wick, and that's for sure.

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning, Mr Thorpe.

Remember my secretary, of course, Miss... Prescott.

Thank you.

We've brought some papers down for you to sign. We thought it best to liquidate

our interest in the Rangoon Gas Mantle Company.

Oh, do we get more lolly if we do?

Well, you get less if you don't.

We're renting the Bangkok factory out to a local businessman.

What was his name, Miss... Prescott.

No, no, the businessman.

do make banjos.

He intends to use the premises as a matage parlour.

Oh, dear, I don't think we could be a party to that.

Well, it'd raise the... Raise the... Return tenfold.

Oh, well, as long as it's nicely run, Mr. Rumble.

I doubt the blokes is going to make up the team.

Shall I bring them in?

They'll take their boots off first.

No, no, no, no. Take them out to the kitchen and wash them under the outside

tap.

Oh, and Miss Littlewood said, can you find a umpire?

Oh, dear, that's a bit of a pose, huh?

Do you have to hurry away, Mr. Thorpe?

I don't know.

When's my next appointment, Miss Prescott?

A week on Tuesday in Bangkok.

Oh, yes, of course.

All sorts of little fiddly little legal things to be straightened out.

I thought perhaps you might do a spot of umpiring for it.

In Bangkok?

No, here, Mr. Thorpe. Oh, yes, yes, delighted.

How's that lemonade coming along, Mr. Humphreys? Oh, I've squeezed 52 already.

Oh, no, I'm going to save them for me elbows.

This is Alfie. This is Dick.

This is Jesse.

This is Mr. Humphreys. He took over from the chef.

Oh, hello.

Is Jesse short for anything?

No, there's always been a Jesse in our family.

Malcolm, are you playing for wee?

No, I've been chosen for tender bottom.

Did you get my note under our rock?

I haven't been that way lately.

This is Mr. Humphreys. Oh.

There's talk in the village about you.

Really? Anything I should know?

Word is you've been setting your cap at Mavis here.

That's none of your business, Malcolm Heathcliff.

If one night you be walking down a dark lane, don't be surprised if you're not

alone.

I'll be very surprised if I'm there at all.

You'll be about your business, Malcolm Heathcliff.

You're not welcome in this house. There's nothing between you and me and

never will be.

Will you tell him, Mr. Humphreys?

Well, I think you've made that quite plain.

That's as may be. But he's not going to have you.

Do I make myself clear?

Lemonade.

No piss.

Mr. Moulter will open the bowling. He says he gets an edge on occasionally.

So let's see who's next. Mr.

Huffington, you'd better be in the stretch.

You know, I was about to suggest that.

Yeah, well, what's a fair name?

You be second, sir.

Peacock Gully, and I'll be Silly Middleton.

Right, off we go. Come along, Mrs. Slocum. I'm sorry to keep you waiting,

was all done up and I had to go to the ladies.

Can I help?

Yes, dear.

You can put up the numbers when I tell you the score.

I've had a look at the rules.

Some of the signals are rather confusing, but I think I'll get the hang

Am I the only umpire?

No, my colleague on the bench will be at the other end. Are you ready, Sir

Robert? Oh, it's you again.

You're that clever dick lawyer from London.

We met in my court.

I was only doing my best on behalf of Mrs.

Slocum. Oh, and a right dog's dinner you made of it.

Let's get out there.

Now, Miss Brown shouldn't be out there without a hat on in this sun.

Look, I've got a spare one.

Run and give it to her. There's a good girl.

Remember, Mrs. Slocum, if he looks like getting half an inch out of the crease,

whip his bales off. You can rely on me, Captain Peacock.

Mrs. Slocum.

Say.

Just a moment.

Sorry.

He's facing out his run.

I should stand back a bit, Mrs. Slocum.

He's digging in.

Something is wrong.

Well, don't touch me.

I thought we knew.

What he's doing is very thorough.

He's shining the ball.

Beware it's out.

Wouldn't stand there if I were you.

My slashes can reach the boundary.

That's quite an accomplishment, I'm sure.

Look out.

Here he comes.

How's that?

How's that?

Oh, just a minute.

You don't need the book for that, you old duffer. He's out.

I lived a regret this day.

Very upset about it already.

Right, then, how are we doing?

It's a pretty desperate situation.

We'd be in a very strong position if you hadn't put Mr Humphreys under bone.

Do you know, I don't think that bad -tempered umpire likes me. Every time I

near the wicket, he shouted, no balls.

Still, we only made 85.

We just need another 15.

I'm sure Mr. Moulterd can easily make that for us if Mr. Humphreys can keep

end up. I'll do my very best.

You weren't thinking of eating that last sandwich, were you?

No, no, of course not. No, I just picked it up for you.

Mustard.

Right, let's get back while the light's good.

Good luck, Mr. Humphreys.

Whatever happens, I'm proud of you.

Thank you.

I'll look after the batting. You get ready to run.

Is that clear?

Perfectly.

If you got a bat, watch out for his dooglies.

You're very alert.

That hat suits you so well.

Would you like to keep it as a memento of the occasion?

I don't think I'll forget it.

Yes. And another.

We'll get another. Oh, I don't think we can.

you, Mrs. Slocum. I beg your pardon, Mr. Rundle. He means the match.

Oh.

Excuse me, Captain.

Embrace his lamp.

Make it all up with us now.

I wonder if she should have had her reading glass.

I don't think the tale is going to wag.

Ah, Jessica, you did very well.

I think you're definitely the man of the match.

I was definitely not out leg before wicket.

Well, anyway, it was a very shapely leg.

I've been waiting for this.

A snap decision.

I hit it!

Oh, Mrs. Slocum, what are you doing here?

Just putting down the pitch. You're supposed to be at the other end.

Did you say?

He said knock out. Do you want to make something out of it?

Any more from you and I'll show you the yellow card.

Everything depends on Mr. Humphreys. I can't bear to watch.

Pull the brim further down.

It's coming round.

You say we can stop now?

You might be able to stop.

I'd better keep running.