Original subtitles

Good morning, Mavis. Oh, you'll be up early, Mrs. Loker. Well, I had rather a

restless night.

Oh, did Miss Brahms keep you awake with her snoring again?

Oh, no, no, no. But my pussy was very agitated.

All those American tourists would insist on giving her tidbits.

And then the poor thing got her paw stuck in some chewing gum. And during

night, when she went to wash her face, you know the way cats do.

She got a force stuck in her left ear.

Oh, the poor thing. Did you get it off?

Well, I tried to, Mavis, but she ran away.

Never you mind.

You have a nice cup of tea.

There's no milk.

Morning, Mrs. Slogan.

My word, you shouldn't walk around in a flimsy outfit like that.

Set a block on fire.

If one is as dried up as what you are, I should imagine you burst into flames

very easily.

Now, then, you two, don't start.

I brought the eggs and the milk.

You ought to let me do the milking, Dad. It's bad for your back, all that

bending down.

Oh, I got round that.

I walked and towed up on the milk cart and took out a couple of floorboards and

milked her standing up.

Got some in me hat.

I'll have my tea with lemon, Mavis.

Good morning, Mrs. Slocum. Good morning, Mavis.

Oh, morning.

Don't I get a good morning, then? Am I invisible?

I'm sorry, Mr. Moulthead. You are very visible.

Not to mention aromatic.

Well, I'd better be off. I've got a load of muck to take up to the top field.

What an exciting life one leads in the country.

There's no need to look down on us country folk.

Just because we're close to the soil, My dad's an hard worker and he's got a big

arm. Pity it's in such an unattractive wrapping.

You get on with your porridge.

And what has happened to Mr. Humphrey this morning?

Oh, he's very tired. He's up all night.

Any specific reason?

Well, he said he had a bad arm from doing this behind the bar with the

Americans.

And what exactly was he doing?

Shaking cock.

Don't see if I can evade them.

You know, Stephen, between you and me, I don't think that girl's in a very

healthy situation.

She's besotted with Mr.

Humphreys. And being a simple country girl, I don't think she realizes that

not what you might describe in the widest possible terms, a woman's man.

And on the other hand, he's not, within the same boundaries that you describe, a

man's man.

Do you think we should tell her?

Mrs. Slocum, Betty, how do you break it to a person if they've got a mad,

passionate crush on somebody in limbo?

Good morning, Miss Bryant.

Here. Does anyone know, is it bad luck to pass a three -legged cat on the

Oh, the poor thing, I'm not going to help her. Don't worry, don't worry.

It was only chewing gum. I picked her up and pulled it off.

Last time I saw her, she was sat in front of the mirror looking at her ball

patch.

Where's Mr Humphrey? We were just discussing the developing situation

him and Miss Moulton.

We were thinking that on the one hand it hasn't gone very far, but on the other

hand it's probably gone far enough.

What's the latest?

We don't know.

Apparently he was up all night.

As a result of the over -vigorous use of his cocktail shaker.

Good morning, everybody.

Excuse my bare foot. One slipper is stuck on the third stair from the top.

Chewing gum?

I'm afraid so.

I had the same trouble with mine. I had to put a cold plaster on it.

Come on.

Wake up, Mr. Humphreys. Wake up.

Horrid, you'll be getting cold.

Oh!

Oh, it's you, thank heaven for that.

Oh, do you know, these Americans have been giving me nightmares.

I dreamt I was at a gunfight at the O .K. Corral.

Wouldn't have thought that within your nature, Mr. Humphrey.

Well, it isn't me, this.

This big cowboy just said to me, this town isn't big enough for both of us.

Well, I tried to reason with him. I suggested we got a little flat in New

Well, that seemed to antagonize him.

He unbuttoned his holster and he said, I'll go for mine and you go for yours.

I was just feeling for it when you woke me up.

All the Americans have gone, so you mustn't let them play on your mind no

A nice plate of porridge is what you need.

And we'll have to get some bigger blankets.

What's wrong with these?

You keep dragging them off me.

Every time I try to snuggle up close, you turn the other way.

I'm used to sleeping alone.

Would you rather I ask Captain Peacock if I could bunk up with him?

Oh, I don't think that would be a very good idea.

Do you think he'd mind?

I think you'd better get some bigger blankets.

Here's your slippers.

Thank you.

Where did you used to sleep before I came?

Well, I couldn't sleep in Dad's cottage.

The noise there was something awful.

Snoring? Ah, well, that as well.

And what with the carriage on the other side, I didn't get a wink.

Of course, in the summer I used to enjoy camping out.

So did I.

I was always a bit of a tomboy. So was I.

Have you any sisters or brothers?

Well, not that I know of, no. I've got a lot of uncles.

I used to visit my mother in the parlour after I'd gone to bed.

Most of them were sailors.

Full of tattoos.

There was one of them, he had a big tattoo right down his back of a hunting

scene.

You could just see the tail of a fox.

Well, you can put all that behind you.

You've got a family now.

Well,

there's Mrs. Slocum and Cam Peacock and Miss Brown.

That lot's very fond of you.

And so am I.

You can think of me as your big sister.

In fact, you can call me Big Sis.

You can be the brother I never had.

I think we'll keep it that way.

Mrs. Fletcher, there's a letter for you.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Rumble.

Oh, Miss Brahms, I recognise the handwriting.

It's from Mrs.

Axelby. Mrs. Axelby? I thought she was managing a beach cafe out in

Yes, well, it didn't work out quite like that.

You know that Spanish waiter she was going out with?

Well, he didn't own the place.

And now she's mucking in as a beach attendant.

Looks like she's still doing it.

Oh, say, the poor thing.

Oh, she's saving up to get home.

And she's working on a nude beach with very small tips.

She says it's up and down all day.

With the umbrellas.

Fancy. Oh, she says it's ever such hard work getting all those mattresses in at

night. Well, you know, I warned her.

But, you know, she shouldn't be doing all that bending, not after her

No, and not with all them Spaniards about either.

Here, she hasn't got to be nude as well, has she?

Oh, no, not Mrs Axelby.

Not with her skin.

She'd be red raw.

It's the Irish blood, you know. I mean, she could be covered in calamine lotion

and still blister from head to foot, even in Whitley Bay.

Funny you should receive a letter from an old friend.

Captain Peacock has just had an invitation for an old comrade's reunion.

He's gone up to the writing room to reply on Millstone Manor notepaper.

Between you and me, I think he's a bit of a snob. Well, I blame his parents for

sending him to Reading Grammar School.

Morning. Ah, Miss Lugwell, perhaps you'd like to counter -sign this cheque.

It's from the tourist operator for the American Party.

You've been astride your mount again, have you?

Yes, darling.

Had a two -mile gallop, a couple of jumps and a gentle counterback.

It's very good for the muscles, especially the butt, if you catch it in

Well, as you know, it's as firm as it was when I was 16.

I'm sure there must be dozens of errand boys who are still alive that could

confirm your story.

Don't demean yourself, Miss Brahms. She's not worth telling to get stopped.

Mr. Lovelock, next time you decide to jump ahead, would you bear in mind that

there might be someone crouching down behind you?

Why, it was you. You gave my horse quite a fright.

Well, I'd stuffed me pipe and I was out the wind flicking me zippo.

What exactly is that, Mr. Humphrey? Oh, it's a lighter that can do it anywhere.

It was given to me by that nice American gentleman, Mr. Conklin.

He said it was for the man who had everything.

I don't know what he meant.

I'm going into town. I'll take this to the bank and pay it in.

I say, an extraordinary thing happened. I was in the writing room looking for

some paper to reply to a rather important invitation that I've received,

opened the drawer of the bureau and came across this.

My heavens, a revolver.

Actually, Mr Rumble, it's an automatic.

Perhaps it belonged to young Mr Grace. What would an old gentleman like young

Grace be doing with a gun?

Perhaps he was on the fiddle with his VAT.

Is it loaded?

I haven't looked.

You know, it's rather like the Lugers that we used to take off the German

officers in the Western Desert.

I shouldn't fiddle with it, Captain Peacock. Oh, I've had many of these...

Mr. Humphreys!

Say something, Mr. Humphreys! Say something!

The pipe's gone out.

May you be a strong one, Mavis. We've all had a nasty...

Oh, I thought Mr. Humphreys was a goner.

Good job it only ate that bowl of gin.

Yes. Pity it was a full one.

Will you take this in when it's done? I must go and help Dad in the field.

Right, now, would you like another brandy, Captain Peacock?

No, I think four is enough.

I don't think you should have told the police to come here, Mr. Rumbold.

You should have just handed the gun in and told them we found it. Well,

I think he did the right thing. The police are very sensitive about guns

days. Yes, they'll want to know how it got into the drawer. Some terrorist

have put it there.

Yes, and after all, you know who lives nearby.

Know who?

Well, you may not know who, but those in the know -who -follow -what's -what

-and -who's -who would know who.

Are we speaking the same language?

There are a lot of big knobs in this county.

With royal connections.

I think one will go and have a game of pool.

I didn't know he lived round these parts.

Just over the hill, darling.

Who's over the hill? Not you, Mr Rumble.

We were talking about our royal neighbour.

Oh, well, he might be getting on a bit, but she's certainly not over the hill.

I think you've exaggerated the importance of the whole thing, Mr

After all, this is a simple country house near a simple country village.

Policeman Plod will be round on his bicycle.

I explained that I found the pistol in a drawer, he'll have a cup of tea, and

that'll be the end of it.

Yes, and there's no need to mention that you fired it. I quite agree.

Well, if he's not here soon, I'm going into town.

My, my, sounds as if they've managed to find a car.

They've found a lot of cars.

them on the telephone, Mr. Rumbo.

I'm trying to remember.

I think I said, this is Millstone Manor, Captain Peacock has a loaded gun, and I

was about to say, which he found in a drawer of the writing bureau when they

hung up.

Can't you hear me, Peacock?

I'm going to put your hands above your heads, and no one will get hurt.

Can I in on the door, Captain Peacock?

They think you're a terrory.

Oh, I think you'd better do as they say.

Well, what do they have a shoot -to -kill policy?

I'll tell them that they've made a mistake.

You've made a mistake!

Captain Peacock will come out and explain it to you if you promise not to

him.

He's just putting his jacket on.

So much for English O -levels.

Dad?

Dad!

What's up now?

Well, there's been a big bang at the manor.

Smoke's coming out of the window.

I bet that's Mr. Humphreys with his pipe.

He don't know how to control it.

Oh, we'd better get back.

Hang on tight. I'm going to give the tractor some welly.

Right. Hands behind your head. Spread your legs.

I never thought I'd hear that in the country.

That means you at the end, you as well.

This is as far apart as they go.

move till I tell you.

Which one of you is Captain Peacock?

Twist him.

He's clean. Sit him in this chair.

So, you've taken this lot hostage, have you?

Oh, certainly not. They're my friends.

Oh, I see.

You're all in it together, are you?

My dear inspector, you see, we've all served together for at least 15 years.

Ah, don't tie him, have you? I've got four of them.

May I say something?

Frisk him, he's got a bulge in his pocket.

They're very thorough, aren't they?

It is his plight, sir. And it was, didn't I?

Miss Brahms, do you think they're going to frisk us?

I'd like to see him try.

Make a note, Colin.

One of his moles adopted a threatening attitude.

Perhaps I might say something. I was the one who made the phone call.

I know.

You said there was an armed man loose in the hotel.

Well, that's not quite how I put it.

I merely wanted to notify you that Captain Peacock had found a gun in an

upstairs desk and we wished to hand it over to the police. Well, here it is.

Shut him, sir!

But, sir, in the circumstances, it would be rather difficult.

Stay gone.

Oh, let him have it, Mr. Rumble.

That's the second bottle of gin.

They've all been cross -examined in the hall.

Well, I'm making a strong one for the inspector.

You give him a mouthful of foam and it don't taste very nice.

I don't think I'm very popular around here.

No, you're not.

And there wasn't even a fire.

Maybe not.

But that inspector was put out.

Now, listen, you two.

I wasn't bold yesterday. Me and my... Sergeant, a witness is to the fact that

you incited this man to attempted murder.

But I didn't, really, I didn't. You had a note of what he said, Colin? Yes, sir.

He said loud and clear, let him have it, Mr.

Rumbold. Look, all he meant was give him the gun.

Anybody with half an eye could see that Mr. Humphreys is a very mild -mannered

gentleman who wouldn't incite anybody to do anything.

Well, not that, anyway.

Nevertheless, he uttered those very words, let him have it, Mr. Rumbold.

whereupon you pointed a gun in my direction and pulled the trigger.

Well, as a matter of fact, your sergeant pulled the trigger as he was trying to

take it off me. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

I suppose you're going to tell the jury that we tried to fit you up.

It won't wash my son. You're in it up to here. Now, let's get back to square

one. You, Captain Peacock, you are asking me to believe that you found this

in a drawer in the writing room? That is correct. I suppose you're going to tell

me that you didn't know it was a Russian gun.

Does a Nacaroth mean anything to you?

I think it'd mean quite a lot.

Just what are you implying? Did you know that this make of gun was a favourite

weapon of the Russian secret service?

I'm referring, of course, to the K -Gay Bay.

I beg your pardon?

He means the KGB.

Ah, so you speak the language.

If I may say so.

Captain Peacock thought it was similar to a Luger. He said so just before it

went off the first time. Ah, now we're getting down to it. You, Captain

fired a said gun before we entered the premises.

Bit of a quarrel amongst the gang, was there? We are not a gang.

As it happens, we all worked in the same department.

Mr. Rumbold was the department head and I was his second -in -command, so to

speak. And I was on the counter.

Espionage. White fronts.

I see, a secret cell set up to destabilise democratic government.

Oh, God.

Second bullet's over here, sir, behind the bar.

That's right.

It went between Mr Humphreys and myself and broke a bottle of gin. Ah, which of

you was it meant for?

Now, if I may say so... Shut up, you. You've got a posh accent.

Were you at Cambridge?

Well, I had a green spell at the haberdashers, though.

Haberdashers. Yeah, that's one of them public schools, isn't it?

Does the name Blunt mean anything to you? Or Burgess or McLean? They were a

pretty peculiar bunch. Very peculiar.

You, you look like the Cambridge type.

Were you there as well?

Were you turned?

I'm not at Cambridge.

Well, who's for tea? You look as if you could do with it all of you.

What are you doing to Mr. Radford? You get off him! Are you his girlfriend?

Certainly not.

We're just friends.

Ah, would comrades be nearer to the mark?

Well, you can call it what you like, but he's a perfect gentleman and wouldn't

do nothing to nobody.

Well, I don't know what that does for my reputation, but thank you.

Don't let that tea get cold.

That's the printout of all the backgrounds there, sir. Good. This is a

history of all of you from day one.

All except Mrs. Slocum, sir.

All the records don't go back that far.

Well, there doesn't appear to be any political affiliations here.

You all appear to be who you say you are. What boring lives you've all led,

except you.

Right, that leaves us with two straightforward cases of attempted

nasty case of incitement to kill a policeman.

Could I have a word in private, sir?

All right, step outside into the lobby. Colin, none of you move.

I feel like a wet rag.

Fancy trying to like me with Blunt and Burgess and Maclean.

Well, in my opinion, he's overstepped his authority and I am unanimous in

The police are a funny lot. Remember how they roughed you up when you wouldn't

get out of that Dodgeham car in Blackpool?

I was immobilised halfway through the ride with a stuck pedal.

I said I wasn't going to pay and I didn't.

No, but you paid the magistrate, didn't you?

Forty shillings, wasn't it?

Oh, yes, but that was for hitting the policeman with my handbag.

Well, we'd better not mention that.

It's here, as a matter of fact.

And the Soho affair, when you knocked the policeman's helmet off. That was a

handbag as well.

Does it say in there about how you threw yourself under the king's sword with

Mrs Pankhurst?

Don't be cheeky, Miss Brown.

Those were minor offences, Mrs Slocan. They're trying to charge me with

attempted murder.

I've never even had a parking ticket.

Oh, no?

Would you by any chance be the same Knuckles Rombold, leader of a roller

-skating gang suspected of stealing two grapefruit and a Cox's orange pippin

from Romford High Street in 1947?

Good heavens, is that there?

And it seems that the North Acton Public Library is still awaiting the return of

Lolita, Fanny Hill and Fly Fishing by J .R.

That's where it went.

There's no privacy in one's life at all, isn't there? I'm surprised that there's

no mention of Mr. Humphreys.

Oh, but there is.

Pages of it.

Starting from the day that he was found on the doorstep.

An abandoned baby.

I wasn't abandoned.

My mother put me out instead of the cat.

She was going through very emotional problems at the time. Anyway, next

Alsatian came and carried me off and looked after me for a day or two.

Then I crawled back.

I didn't like the sort of dog biscuits he was giving me.

Right, you'll be pleased to hear, Mr. Rumbold, that there seems to be room for

reasonable doubt about your case.

Apparently the sergeant might have had his finger in the trigger guard near the

time when the weapon was discharged.

So we won't proceed with that matter.

Oh, what a relief. Well, what about me?

You can hardly charge him with inciting a crime that didn't happen.

Well, you could have done, but unfortunately these days you can't rely

to come to a sensible conclusion.

Can we just get the whole matter closed? No, we cannot.

The gun was produced, the shot was fired before we entered the premises. We

still have the possibility of attempted murder on our hands. There's one thing

you've forgotten, Inspector.

One small detail that you've overlooked.

A detail without which your case will collapse in dust about your feet.

And what is that, Miss Marple?

No motive.

Well, for instance, there is such a thing as a crime of passion. Crime of

passion? I'll have you know that bullet narrowly missed me.

Is there anything between you two that I should know about?

It also, sir, just missed that lady who's reclining on the sofa over there.

Lovecock.

Lovelock?

You're writing, Colin.

I have no reason to shoot Miss Lovelock.

In fact, we get on extremely well together.

Maybe her and Mr Humphrey's got on extremely well together and you wanted

rid of a younger rival.

Actually, I'm not all that much younger.

It's just that I've always had a very good skin.

He's not after Miss Lovelock.

He's too busy bunking up with Mavis Moulter.

I've told you all before, it's perfectly innocent.

She doesn't like sleeping with her father because of the farmyard noises.

She used to sleep with the chef and I took over where he left off.

Where did he leave off?

I don't know. He'd gone by the time I arrived.

Perhaps I could explain one or two points. There is nothing going on

Captain Peacock and Miss Lovelock. She doesn't even sleep in the house. She

sleeps in the groom's quarters.

I've got an Arab there.

Anyway, we would know if he got up to anything in the night, because me and

Flo can sleep next to him.

What, the Arab?

No.

Captain Peacock. He's a stallion.

It's the North.

A Norwegian.

From Ireland, actually.

Let me see if I've got this right.

Mr Humphreys is sleeping with the farmer's daughter.

Miss Lovelock sleeps with the groom and an Irish Arab.

And Captain Peacock sleeps with Mrs Slocum and Miss Brahms. Is that right?

A little do for now.

I think, sir, that you're getting into rather deep water here.

I don't know if anyone's interested, but I got a nice big bun in the oven.

Get in the car, Colin.

Next time you lot find a gun in a drawer, don't call the police. Call the

and tell them to bring a social worker and a priest.

I think that went on quite well, don't you?

Is he gone?

Yes, he was very confused.

Drat!

I've been keeping this blunderbuss under me bed.

Oh, Dad, you've still got that old thing.

Used to belong to Grandpa.

I thought perhaps I'd better hand it in.

Oh, quick, then you might just catch him.

I think we'll leave you to deal with this one, Mr. Moulton.