Original subtitles

Room service, Wilberforce speaking.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Kretzmer.

It's Mr. Kretzmer in number six.

Yes. You'd like breakfast in bed for two?

Good. Coffee? Mm -hmm.

And fried eggs? Yes.

How would you like them, runny or congealed?

Mm, over easy. Oh, that sounds nice.

Yes, and what about Mrs. Kretzmer?

She'd like a hard one. Yes, sir.

Toast and marmalade. Right, the waitress will be up with them in a trice.

It's no good you putting more of them up there. I've got number eight's omelette

to do yet.

Room service. Will before speaking.

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Baydecker.

You've got little bits in your teapot.

Those are tea leaves, Mrs. Baydecker.

We like to do it in the old -fashioned way.

Oh, you do too?

Good.

If you look on your tray, you'll see a big spoon with holes in it.

She's used it for the jam.

I'm afraid all you can do now is suck it through clenched teeth.

Yes, I would have a nice day, but I've got other things to do.

Oh, don't stare at killing me.

Miss Bloms, you'll have to take the next lotto. Why don't you use the lid?

Because it's... Stuck with Mr. Enberg in it.

He was on his way to the first floor bathroom and is in great distress.

Captain Peacock is winching him down by hand.

Oh,

you're toast burning, Mr. Humphreys. No, the time has stuck.

Oh, Miss Brahms, that's no way to cook an omelette.

I'm not supposed to be the cook, I'm supposed to be the barmaid.

Well, we're all trying to muck him together.

But what shall I do?

with it.

Save it for lunch and call it Yorkshire pudding.

Look, do you think you could possibly take this tray up to Mr Webster? Oh no,

not him again. When I took his early morning tea up, he asked me if I'd like

see a picture of his 20 ,000 acre cattle ranch.

The next thing I knew, he'd lassoed me with his dressing gown cord and there

hands all over.

So I said, take them off. And of course he misunderstood.

out of there at all.

Perhaps I will just take this.

Room service.

Wilberforce speaking.

Oh, good morning, Mr Conklin.

You'd like a cold bath?

Oh, you're in a cold bath.

No? Well, there's been a run on hot water this morning.

Yes, there'll be plenty tonight.

No, that won't be much good to you at Gatwick, will it?

Well, I... suggest you have a vigorous rub down with a rough towel.

Well, I'm rather busy at the moment.

I've left the blood.

They all want the Herald Tribune and we've only got one copy. Well, give them

page each and tell them to swap over when you bang the guard.

I've released the elderly, Mr. Enberg, and it was very hard work. Were you in

time? Very nearly.

You'll find it on the first floor.

Well, everything seems to be going quite well.

Yeah, they seemed to enjoy themselves, didn't they?

Thought they'd never go to bed.

Oh, do you know, I was dead beat. Thanks ever so much for taking over the bar

for me. Well, Danila didn't when I knew how long they were going to stay up. I

knew it was time to close as soon as Mr Conklin looked straight at me and sang,

it's quarter to three and there's no one in the place except you and me.

Yeah, there was about ten... One of them sat up till well after two, guessing.

Yes, the vegetarian dishes went down very well.

Did anyone get any tip?

I'm speaking for myself, not a sausage.

I thought they were supposed to be big spinners.

Well, as far as I can gather, most of them have got $1 ,000 and one lung, and

they're trying to save both.

Look at this.

I'm out of milk and I've still got eight more trays to go up. Oh, Mr. Humphries,

go and see if you can get Mr. Moulter to produce another jug full.

Yeah, and I'm almost out of eggs and all.

Oh, dear.

Room of service, Captain Peacock Manager speaking.

Yes, Mr. Conklin.

I'm afraid Wilberforce is otherwise engaged.

Well, if it gets any worse, put a cold poultice on it.

Good morning, Mr. Humphrey. Good morning, Miss Lovelock. You're up with

lark. Oh, I went to bed early.

Couldn't stand the thought of polite conversation with a group of American

oxygenarians. Have you seen Mr. Molter?

He's gone to collect the sows.

She's been on her honeymoon with the boar at Ivy Farm.

We've run out of milk.

There's a good couple of gallons there.

That's tilling the cows.

Come with everyone.

Sure, she'll let you have some if you ask her nicely.

Good morning, Betsy.

Remember me?

I've just come to a jug for you. You can manage it.

I'm only a beginner, but I've got a very gentle touch.

Now then, which one do I pull for today?

Number two, frankly.

Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, I know. I've got cold hands.

Now. Take a deep breath.

Right. Going in.

Contact.

How long have you been running on empty?

Mr. Humphreys, whatever are you doing?

We've run out of milk, and by the look of it, so has Betsy. Well, I bet she

could tell you're a bit of a novice.

Well, so far, my experiences have been confined to the express dairies on the

corner. Here, you have a go.

No. You've got to learn sometimes.

You need a bucket.

Thank you. Right.

Now put your head against her side.

She likes to think you're one of her calves.

It's all right, Mummy. It's only me.

There's a lot of wind going on out there.

Sounds a vegetarian.

They do say that the methane gas that's produced by animals is causing the

greenhouse effect.

Well, she's going to punch a very big hole in the ozone in a minute.

Come on, have a go.

It's a bit like playing the piano.

Chaz and Dave or Richard Clayton.

Here we go.

Oh, I see.

Let me know when I've got a jug full.

Oh, no.

Once you've darkened, you can't dark.

I'll come back for you in ten minutes.

Ten minutes?

And now the overture to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.

Just leave it with me, madam. I'll make the necessary inquiries and let you

know.

Ah, good morning, Mr. Enberg, Mr. Kretzmer.

Now, if anyone fancies a morning gallop, we have horses in the stables.

Or if anyone fancies just looking at the horses, we can manage that as well.

Ah, Mrs. Enberg.

Mr. Enfrism had a nice cup of tea.

Do you know he got two gallons out of Betsy this morning?

It was very hard work.

I broke the spring on my self -winding wristwatch.

He could be a real farmer's boy if he's so minded.

Mrs. Enberg has yet to master the mechanics of the lift.

I can't see that lot surviving six countries in 12 days.

When they did the Nile tour, two of them were buried in the Valley of the Kings.

They don't have a Valley of the Queens.

They probably do, they just haven't found it yet.

You know, they used to bury important people with the treasured possessions

which they would need in the next world. Oh, but they buried them too with their

American Express car.

There's that mouse again.

That was the mother.

She had foot rooflets last week.

Cheeky thing. I think we should cement up the hole.

Pity you threw that omelette away, Miss Ross.

I'm just trying to muck in to help make our pension go round.

And you're doing very well, Miss Brown.

Now, let's look on the bright side. When the guests aren't here, we do have the

run of the place. With the mice.

And in the meantime, we're all having to take positions outside our normal

experience for the good of the whole.

There's a mouse again!

Miss.

Morning, all.

Well, you've got your snouts in the trough.

It's about your cat, Mrs. Sultum.

Don't tell me that she's disappeared down the ivy again, the mischievous

thing. Here she is.

Oh, diddlers. Have you been for a walk in the pretty flower garden?

No.

That one -eyed ginger Tom was knocking seven bells.

Run away?

She chased him 100 yards before she called him.

I'd better put her in her basket.

I think you'd better put her on the pill, Mrs. Turner.

When are them yanks leaving?

This evening, Mr. Mildred. That Mr.

Conklin's a -gordy.

I'm just going round to lock up the sheep.

It all seems to be going very well so far. They seem happy enough in there.

Here's your check for the first half of the money. You'll get the second half

when the tour leader signs the satisfaction form.

Who is the tour leader?

Mr. Conklin.

Here's a leaflet outlining the rest of the day's festivities.

I've given copies to the guests.

There's nothing new. Just the usual events we've come to expect. You know,

church service in the chapel and the harvest Thanksgiving dance.

I'm sure it'll all go with the swing. Goodbye.

The harvest Thanksgiving dance?

Church service?

Let's have a look.

Sunday morning at Millstone Manor.

Guests will attend matins in the historic Norman Chapel in the ornamental

grounds. It was in this chapel that Hubert the Unready was buried with his

bride, Gwendolyn.

At four o 'clock, guests will be served tea in the garden, during which they

will be able to observe the traditional Harvest Thanksgiving dance, which has

been performed on this site for 200 years.

What's all that about a church service? Nobody mentioned any church service to

me. Since you were the one that booked the tour, one might have expected you to

glance at the small print.

I don't think we should worry. The local vicar will sort it all out.

We could do it this week.

It's doing three services already.

There's one at Great Tender and another at Lower Tender.

And what about the third?

He's got tender bottoms to cope with.

He has got his hands full, hasn't he?

I don't think a simple country service should give us too much trouble.

Yes, but what about the Thanksgiving dance?

Oh, I expect Miss Moulter knows where the dancers are to be located.

They all died years ago.

And only me and Dad left.

Listen, the last time we had Americans here, the hotel staff made it up.

And no one was any the wiser.

Well, if we want the second half of this, we'd better come up with

Yes, we all want Mr. Conklin to be satisfied.

Don't look at me.

Over here.

I'll give it a try if I'm a little pump.

Mrs. Latham, could you oblige?

Oh, this takes me back to when I was a land girl.

The village smithy had an old -fashioned bellows, you know.

We girls used to take it in turns to give him a blow to keep his furnace

It was war work in its own way.

I think we've got teething troubles.

Sounds a little more fundamental.

Give it time. It'll work its way through.

It's coming.

I'm sorry. It just came over me.

Oh, this would be the one.

Gwendolyn, aged 21, and Hubert, the unready, aged 92.

If he wasn't ready by that time, he never would be.

This is a lovely little church.

Could have a smashing wedding in here.

Do you mean me personally or people in general?

Well, that Mavis, she has got her eye on you.

She gave me a very funny look in bed last night.

Does anything, you know, uh...

Well, you could tell me, you know.

Miss Browns, would you like the answer as a gentleman or as a cad?

Oh, as a gentleman, of course.

Well, as a gentleman, nothing.

As a cad, ditto.

Doesn't she make any demands on you?

She's a bit selfish with her hot water bottle.

Does she make any demands on her?

Definitely not.

We're pals.

Tell you what, between you and me, Miss Dumfries, there's thousands of women

looking for a man like you.

Miss Brown, do me a favour.

Don't tell them where I live.

The good books open at a rather appropriate place.

It is more blessed to give than to receive.

An air full of that might encourage the tips.

I could play pennies from heaven quietly in the background.

You'll have to get somebody else to pump. I've done me back in.

Mind you, I did the same at the blacksmith's.

Well, we've got the organ, the hymn books, the pews, and we're steeped in

country atmosphere.

All we're short of is an old country vicar.

with a prayer.

How's that?

I hope you do.

A lot of food left over.

Didn't they like it?

Half of them can't chew.

The ultra pudding's practically intact.

Put it in the bucket.

The apple crumble went well.

Well, at least they can suck the apple out of it.

Any tips?

Nothing. Anything for me?

Oh, yes, Daddy, yes.

I'd say he's paid quite well. Surely he doesn't have to live on scraps.

He feeds them to the animals.

How did they like my sermon?

It went down very well. They were fast asleep in three minutes.

Mind you, Mr. Conklin stirred a little when you mentioned Sodom and Gomorrah.

Well, like you told me, I done that bit about it being better to give than to

receive.

What profiteth a man that he liveth in a house of gold if he

crieth at night on his pillow of silk?

Cause his bed be empty and he haveth no friend.

Whyeth not?

Cause he don't come across with the tips.

Very subtly put.

What have you done with the money you got when you passed round the hat for

collection? Church don't work for nothing, you know.

You asked the Pope.

You all think you want to chuck it in the kitchen?

Yes, a share of that should be ours.

You will all feel better giving than receiving.

about his money as dad.

So we've noticed.

Quite a few ladies in the village would like to get their hands on what he's got

tucked away.

Takes all sorts to make a world.

He likes you, Mrs. Slocum.

He's got an old stuffed pike in a glass case, what he caught in the gravel pit

the day he met you.

He says he thinks of you every time he looks at it.

Where's the romantic thought, Mrs. Slocum?

He's thinking of having it re -stuffed.

It didn't bother on my account.

Quick, quick.

It's an emergency.

It's Mr.

Enberg. The last time I saw him, he'd fallen asleep in his apple crumble.

No, well, he woke up. His top set's missing.

Mrs. Enberg reckons they're stuck in one of them bread rolls.

Good heavens, the scraps.

Well, Dad took them for the goat.

I've just emptied them in the tub for the billy goat. Mr. Moulton, Mr.

Enberg's lost his upper set.

He thinks they're still biting a bread roll.

You can persuade the goat to take a short break. We'll see if we can recover

them. Hey, get back, get back! Not when he's eating!

Couldn't you pull him off with his chain?

Not when he's eating.

He's a devil when he's eating.

He'll have me with them horns of his.

Well, if he's swallowed them, we're not likely to see them until they've left

for Gatwick.

Value is a reward.

Old teeth ain't worth much.

Well, these were made by top New York dentists. They cost over $10 ,000.

Well, I'll go and get me gun and you lot hold him by his chain.

You can't shoot the goat just because of Mr. Enberg's dentures. Now, all of you

go over there and attract his attention.

I'll nip in, grab the trough and run away.

It's that military training again.

You made a noise like a nanny goat.

Oh, yes. How did it go, Mrs. Slocum? You were a lamb goat.

It's very good. His ears have twitched.

I'm going to get me gun.

No, Mr. Bolton. In no circumstances will you get the gun.

That's good. That's good.

They're all asleep in the lounge.

Mr Embo's got his teeth back in and he's smiling with them. Any ill effects?

Well, his breath smells faintly of Milton.

And he says they don't fit so well.

I'm not surprised that goat used them on his first call.

Did he say anything about the reward money?

No, he seems to have had a successful memory bypass on that subject.

Oh, come on, you lot.

Not good you messing round here with that dance to think about.

And then we've got to get the table and chairs out on the lawn. And we've got to

set the tea.

I was about to suggest that.

Are you not rather exceeding your authority as a bellboy, Mr. Rumble?

Captain Peacock, the fact that I'm wearing this uniform has no effect on my

authority. It's difficult to take you seriously wearing that silly hat.

Let's put this one under that tree.

Oh, that's no good, little rumpet.

It's full of pigeons.

And these teaclocks, they're only just back from the laundry.

Oh, careful now.

Do you know, my legs have gone all wobbly. I'm not used to all this leaping

about. Are you sure you remember all the steps?

Oh, yes, I remember them.

I'm just not sure when to do them.

Well, I'll be doing the calls in between playing my trumpet.

Do you play the trumpet?

I played it since I was 12.

I'm full of surprises, aren't I?

One after another.

I'm also the champion kisser. Are you?

At the village state, I run the kissing booth.

I sell them for a shilling.

I have my own sign.

Mavis is willing for a shilling.

I look forward to you playing the trumpet.

It's very good of you to muck in, so to speak, and help us.

Well, I do admire the way you've taken charge of everything.

When I first met you, I thought you were a bit of an old stick in the mud.

First impressions can be most misleading.

You've no idea the number of fluttering hearts you've caused among the female

members of the tour.

Really?

They say you remind them of a film star.

No, you don't say.

Who was it now?

Oh, yes, I remember Ronald Coleman.

Oh, what? I never saw him.

Oh, you must have done.

Prisoner of Zender, Lost Horizon, Random Harvest, Pale of Two Cities.

It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done.

Oh, was that him?

Granny was mad about him.

The clouds been lying down all afternoon.

Well, so have the guests.

The swallows is flying low, too.

Not over the tables, I trust.

I don't fancy the look of that sky.

When the clouds is all streaky, it'll rain for a weekie.

Never thought much of these old country sayings.

Pure superstition.

the weather and that, we can't do the Avis Dance outdoors, but so you will.