All language subtitles for Grace and Favour s01e05

I told you not to bang that gong.

That's a fire alarm.

Is there some emergency you want to know
about?

I'm calling a meeting. We must discuss
the staff situation.

We have a photographer coming at six o
'clock to take a photograph of the staff

and we haven't got any.

Mr. Brumbold, what was all that noise
about?

Yes, what was all that bonging going on?
I was trying to summon you all.

Mr. Brumbold, Miss Brum... and I were
having a lie down.

In future, we would like to be
forewarned if we're going to be bonged

rest field.

Ah, Mr. Humphreys, are you free? I'm
free.

I've just been setting the mousetraps in
the kitchen.

Do you know, a mouse popped its head out
of the hole, cleaned its whiskers, and

then as bold as brass, chewed on a bit
of cheddar and dashed into the daydome.

Oh, I hate traps. I think they're cruel.

I'll put my pussy in front of the hole.

Next time he comes out, he'll get a
nasty shock.

He'll probably move next door.

Probably hurl his shelf onto the trap.

Now, look, we have a staff photograph
arranged for six o 'clock, and so far we

haven't got any staff.

What's much more important is that we
have a party of Americans arriving

tomorrow, and they're going to pay more
than £1 ,500 for the weekend.

Yeah, and we want the lolly.

More than that, I'm sure we're all
agreed, we don't want to disappoint

Now, they're on a tour, you see, of all
the old ruins of England.

Well, if you ask me, most of them sit in
here.

I don't like that, ma 'am.

He's dead uncouth.

Now, look, I have here some of the old
brochures for the hotel.

Now, you see on the front page, there's
a photograph of the staff that were here

before. Before you sacked them.

I couldn't afford to pay them anyhow.

Oh, look, Captain Peacock.

There's a waiter here who looks just
like you. He looks all haughty and old.

I'm not being a waiter, if that's what
you're hinting at.

He has a very distinguished moustache,
such as what you have.

Captain Peacock, he's not just a waiter.

He's the head waiter.

Well, what's the difference?

Captain Peacock, head waiter is the
position of enormous power.

You see, a lot of that goes on.

Shouldn't I be the head, wait?

That is for the tips.

Yeah, them yanks are very big on that
sort of thing.

Oh, yes, they were very generous during
the war.

If there was anything you couldn't get,
you could rely on them to give it to

you.

It appears in this photograph that there
are two chambermaids.

Captain Peacock, they're not just
chambermaids. They also fulfil the

function. Of waitresses.

Well, I'm not being a chambermaid in
that final.

Miss Brahms is quite right.

We are retired salespersons specialising
in ladies' intimate apparel. We do not

see ourselves creeping under beds,
pulling out poes.

Yes, and I'm unanimous in that.

Mrs Slocum, nowadays we don't have china
receptacles under bed.

We have bathrooms, en suite.

You would be more in the nature of
ladies of the bedchamber.

Well, that sounds a bit better.

And you'd get double tips.

You'll think about it.

Now, Mr Humphrey, the barman looks right
up your street.

I haven't been up that particular street
for a very long time.

I like the jacket.

They make a special feature of him in
the brochure.

Our barman, Luigi, is renowned for his
cocktails from Monte Carlo to Biarritz.

Be sure to try his daiquiri.

I beg your pardon?

It's a rum cocktail, Mr. Humble. And it
goes on. And don't leave without

sampling his own invention, a zombie
surprise.

The central feature of which is the
whole frozen banana.

That's enough to surprise any zombie.

I suppose it goes without saying, Mr.
Rumbo.

that you were the stout, bald -headed
manager who's plonked himself right in

middle of the photograph.

So I am prepared to undertake that
position in lieu of anybody else. Do you

tips as well?

I believe that's not uncommon.

It would seem to me most unfair that
Mrs. Slocum and Miss Browns, as

and ladies of the bedchamber, should get
twice the amount that Mr. Humphreys and

I get in our singular capacities.

With respect, Captain Peacock.

I don't imagine that waitresses will get
as big a tip as what you will as head

waiter. No, I can't see either of us
getting a big one in the bed chamber.

I can't see much coming to me over the
bar.

Well, at least you're in with a chance
with your zombie surprise.

The best thing would be if we all put
our tips into a box. They call it the

trunk. And then at the end of the
week... We share them all out. And those

two jobs get twice as much.

Not at all. No. They only do each job
for half the time.

But the immediate worry is the
photograph at six o 'clock. I suggest we

ready.

Oh,

Mr. Westwick, you do look smart.

Luigi's old jacket, isn't it? Yes, due
to the staff shortage, we had to take

over their roles for the photograph.

I'm the barman.

Well, certainly got the figure for it.

Thank you.

Unfortunately, Mr. Luigi's got some of
his zombie surprise on the front.

Come here, I'll see if I can rub it off.

He was always getting dirty with Mr.
Luigi.

Mind you, he was quite popular with the
girls.

Popular with the men and all.

calling all rounder.

Bet you'll be the same.

I do know how to get on with people.

Will you watch your step with the girls
or you'll be making me jealous.

Oh, by the way, I told my dad I was
sleeping in your bed.

You didn't.

He didn't give you the strap, did he?

No. He said I was to keep to my side of
the bed and give you plenty of room.

He's always thinking of other people,
his dad.

I expect I'll get used to these country
ways eventually.

And he said if we were cold, we could
get another blanket out the cupboards.

You know, Mavis, between you and me,
there's been a lot of eyebrows raised

you and I sharing a bed.

Well, where do they expect me to sleep?

On the floor?

Mind you, I will if you're not
concerned.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I know I've been
a bit tense this last couple of nights,

but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

house to chat to in bed, isn't it? It
certainly is indeed.

Oh, and in an old creaky house like
this, there's lots of noises in the

Yes, I expect there are.

Sometimes my hair stands on end.

Does it?

Dad says it's nothing to worry about.
It's just the supernatural.

You just give me a nudge if anything
makes yours stand on end.

I don't really want to worry you as
well.

It's no good us both being frightened.

Ah, Mr. Humphreys, you're ready for the
photograph.

I was just cleaning him up.

You go there, Mr. Humphreys, and have
your photo took.

And don't forget to give him that big
smile of yours.

Oh, he's a one, isn't he?

Well, he used to be.

Jim Peacock, are you all right?

Well, unfortunately, my predecessor was
rather shorter than I am.

So, in order to attach the stiff shirt
front to the trousers, I have to bend

forward like this. If I stand up
straight, we have the following result.

It's like being hit under the chin by an
express roller blind.

Well, your dick is too short.

My dad used to have that trouble. His
used to pop up every time he went to the

art fellows.

I'm sure we can make do with it for the
picture.

The photographer's here.

We'll have everybody in a group on the
stairs, Mr. Maxwell.

Right. Are the staff ready?

Well, we have had slight staff problems.
We've decided to fill the vacancies

ourselves. Well, as long as we get a
good picture.

Where are the waitresses?

Ah, they're coming down.

These skirts are ridiculous.

I certainly have to let mine down.

Luckily, I have the legs for it.

This picture will be circulated all over
America.

Madonna will have to watch out.

Oh, what about the hall, Porter?

Ah, I've had to take a temporary measure
there.

I feel

a right turn at this.

It's only for the picture, Mr. Moulton.

I suppose you'll all look all right.

I'm afraid I've got to dash.

Mr. Rumbone, I'm sure I can leave you to
organize a nice group. I'm sorry I have

to go. Goodbye.

Now, pay attention, everybody. We are
going to have a photograph of ourselves

taken by Mr. Maxwell.

Well, how do you want that?

Wait a minute.

Let's build up the picture.

Well, I hope it don't take long. There's
ends to feed and towns to know.

And the sound's waiting to be serviced
by the boar from the next farm.

He won't mind waiting for a minute or
two.

No, he won't, but she will.

She's acting.

She climbs in the wheelbarrow herself.

Could we not discuss these lurid details
at some other time?

Yes. Mrs. Slocum, Miss Brown, could you
try sitting on the fifth stair?

The sights you see when you ain't got
your gun.

Do we? have to sit in this position?

Well, it's just to illustrate the sort
of services we're offering.

In that case, I should sit side -saddle.

You would be on safer ground if you
stood up.

Stand to either side of the stair. That
would be better. Now, Captain Peacock,

come stand between them. Mr. Humphreys,
come stand at the end by the banister.

I think it would be better without the
hand on the knob.

Wouldn't I be holding a zombie surprise?

I don't think so, Mr. Humphreys. Now,
Mr. Mulder, come stand on the other

opposite Mr. Humphreys, and I'll stand
in the middle.

If you stand there, 90 % of my position
of power will be obscured.

Move up one. How's that, Mr. Maxwell?

Captain Peacock's head is out of the top
of the picture. Oh, well, that won't

do. Move down one.

I'll sit on a chair. Mr. Moulton, could
we have the chair over here?

That's it. Here, Mr.

Rumbles. Thank you. That's it. Now then,
I'll sit there.

Now I can only see the top of your head,
Mr. Rumbles.

Come and stand up here beside me.

Now, Crowdy, tell the ladies to hold
their pose. I thought I made it quite

we're not going to do anything of the
sort.

All smiles.

Mr. Mambo, Mr.

Moulthead looks as though he's
advertising one flew over the cuckoo's

Yes, Mr. Moulthead, do we have less
teeth?

Which set do you want, top or bottom?

Just a wry smile, Mr. Moulthead. Wry
smile? How did that go?

Oh, show him, Mr. Humphreys.

If I do that, I'll be the talk of the
village.

Imagine you're looking at the sow with
the ball.

Can't do that.

It's private.

Perhaps it'd be better if Mr. Moulton
looked keen and intelligent.

What, both together?

Oh, look, Mr. Maxwell, try one. Perhaps
we'll get lucky.

I'll let a flood of emotion pass over me
face and you tell me when to stop.

Right, now, everybody smile.

Except Mr. Moulton.

Right, ready?

Hold it.

Oh, my dickies hit my chin again.

Oh, I'm sorry I missed that.

Oh, hello, Mavis.

Where is everybody?

Oh, they're having their photos took.

What on earth for?

Well, they couldn't get no staff, so
they're having to stand in for them.

Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Why don't they ask me?

Well, I think they think you're above
all that sort of thing.

You add in private quarters above the
stables and you know a Mr. Grace so

Yes, I expect they're jealous.

Well, there's a bit of that.

But not Captain Peacock.

I see the muggle in you.

No, the brave men are all the same.

No, Mr. Rumpkin is different.

Yes, I've noticed.

about the staff problem. It would be
nice to get some service around here.

And one last picture.

Hold it.

Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Maxwell.

We shall be looking forward to seeing
the prince.

Can I get over this monkey suit?

Before Mr. Moulton goes, don't you think
we should have a plan of campaign as to

what actually happens when the guests
arrive?

That's a very good idea, Captain
Peacock. I was about to suggest it.

Oh, you all look rather good.

Mr. Price didn't ask me to give you a
hand.

We didn't think you'd be good at
anything.

I hardly think Miss Lovelock will have
had any practical experience in a hotel.

And I think she'll have had most of her
experience in a hotel.

Well, of course I haven't actually been
on the staff.

But as Mr. Grace's companion, I've been
a guest in some of the best hotels in

the world.

I'm more than qualified to say whether
you're up to standard or not.

Perhaps we should let Miss Lovelock act.
As it were, as a guest, give us a

chance to iron out any wrinkles before
the real guests arrive.

I could be delighted.

And I think we could undertake to
implement any suggestions that you may

Good. Where do we start?

Well, let's make it as realistic as
possible. And any comments, Miss

Don't hold back.

I take it you're the manager?

Yes, of course.

Then I suggest you polish your shoes
before your guests arrive.

She didn't know that back, did she?

Yes, well, that was a very good comment.
I shall see to it. Bellboy, make sure

you polish these shoes better in future.

Don't you start on me.

I'm just here for the photo.

Mr. Moulton, we're all doing our best to
fill in for the time being.

Yes, it's only temporary.

If you could see your way to helping us,
Mr. Moulton.

Well, I don't mind, but that boar will
be over here if she don't arrive soon.

She'll be past her Dubai date.

Well, let's assume we've just arrived.

Over to you, Miss Ludlock. Get my bags
out of the car, please.

I'll send the ball boy immediately.

Milton, bags out of car.

Please would have been nice.

I didn't expect any politeness from a
bloke like you.

I am Cuthbert Rumbo, the manager.

Welcome to Milton Manor. Allow me to
introduce the staff. This is Stephen,

head waiter.

Would you care for the menu?

Do you always have that trouble with
your dickies?

This is Luigi, our international barman.
I got everything you wanna.

I make it the short drinks, I make it
the long drinks, I shake it a cockatail.

Sound like an Italian, Gracie Fields.

Sorry to interrupt, but there ain't no
bags and there ain't no car.

Just imagine you're bringing them in,
Mr. Moulton.

What should I imagine, big bags or
little bags?

Oh, please yourself.

Now, this is Shirley, and this is Betty.

Are these the skivvies?

We are waitresses and ladies of the
bedchamber. Yes, and we get double

I don't think older women should wear
such short skirts.

And I think younger women should watch
what they're saying, or they're louder

get a bunch of fines up their asses.

Darling, I'm only doing this to be
helpful.

The bells, the bells.

Mr. Moulterd, what are you doing?

Bringing in the bags!

Big bag and a little bag!

If you ask me, the less the guests see
of the staff, the better, so no

introductions. I'll be happy to take
over the reception and do the welcoming.

Hands up those who'd like Miss Lovelock
to do the welcoming.

And hands up those who'd like Miss
Lovelock to get the sack.

I think we should abide by her decision.
After all, she has been in the

international set.

And no doubt vice versa.

Look, this needs proper organisation.

The porter's hopeless.

You be the porter, Mr Rumbold.

What, me?

Yes, you.

I must protest.

I thought we took it as agreed that Miss
Lovelock's decision is final.

Well, who's going to do my job?

Someone with charm and authority.

Well, I'm quite happy being the barman.

I was referring to Captain Peacock.

You, Mr Humphreys, will be the head
waiter.

Without the dickie. I prefer it that
way.

Well, who's going to do the bar?

Miss Brandt has a look for a barmaid.

Right, I'll do the bar. You're banned.

Well, I can't believe me, without a
position.

Well, you can do the bedroom, be a
waitress, help in the kitchen.

And for heaven's sake, try and keep out
of sight.

We're all so nice.

got them. Mrs. Slocum, I do mind being a
waitress and sweeping under the bed.

Here, Mrs.

Slocum, here's some brandy. Say when.

When.

I haven't said when.

Well, thank you, Miss Brahms.

Is she upset about something?

She wanted a more important position.

I ain't seen her that upset since 1942
when she thought I'd put her in... the

family way.

Oh, Miss

Brahms, where have you been?

I don't like being on my own in a storm.

Well, I was in the bathroom, but I
didn't brush my teeth. I was trying to

the tap because of the lightning.

Very wise.

My husband's brother was struck by
lightning.

Oh,

the dodgems at a fairground.

And the lightning went straight down the
pool.

It melted all the loose change in his
trouser pockets.

Oh, did the insurance pay out?

No, they couldn't replace what he'd
lost.

Are you feeling better now?

Well, yes, that brandy gave me a bit of
a boost.

But that Miss Lovelock really upset me.

Oh, my goodness, that was a near one.

Oh, my poor Tiddles. She'll be
terrified. I think I'll take her into

me. Yes, she should be back by now.

Back? What do you mean, back?

I just saw her going for a walk down the
corridor.

Oh, Miss Browns, the lights have gone
out. Have you got any matches?

Oh, yes, there are some in my
portmanteau under the bed.

You know, I've never liked it in the
dark.

There's a candle here, so it must have
happened before.

Is that you, Mrs. Slogan?

Captain Peacock, kindly avert your
torch.

The lights have gone out.

We had noticed.

We've got a candelier if you've got a
light.

Oh, yes.

Look, Captain Peacock, have you seen my
pussy?

Not recently.

It's gone missing.

Perhaps it's gone mousing.

Well, I've got to find out.

Where's my dressing gown?

Mr. Enfrey.

Mr.

Enfrey. Wake up.

It's all right, men. Follow me.

Wake up.

What is it?

There's a great rumbling and there's
been banging and flashing.

Well, I hope you're not holding me
responsible.

That's what it is. Do you know, I was
just dreaming I was in the middle of the

Charge of the Light Brigade and Lord
Cardigan had told me to put my hat on

straight and you poked me in the ribs.

The lights have gone out and we've been
plunged into darkness.

At times like this, the old house has a
life of its own.

What do you mean by that?

Do you mind if I move a bit closer?

Well, if you speak up, I can hear you
from where you are.

On a night like this, you can hear it
walking about.

Move a bit closer.

What can you hear walking about?

I don't know.

We hear it, but no one's seen it.

But when it's around, there's a chill in
the air.

Do you know, I'm really glad you've told
me this.

The lights have gone out.

I'll go and see if the ladies are all
right.

Now, you be careful.

Mavis says on a night like this, there's
a... thing walking about that you can't

see.

I'll get another candle.

I'm going to find Mr. Bolterd and get
him to check the fuses.

We're going for Tiddle.

Now then, Miss Trotts, stay close behind
me.

Yes, I will.

Oh, you're shivering. Are you cold?

No, I'm just dead scared.

Now, if we keep very quiet, we may be
able to hear Tiddle's breathing.

She has a touch of asthma, you know.

Oh, that was horrible.

Oh, yes.

It was Mr Rumble.

I'm sorry.

You seem to be having a dramatic effect
on everybody this evening.

Well, what do you expect?

You look like an illuminated gargoyle.

Are you both all right?

Mr Humphreys says that on nights like
this, something rather ghastly walks

in the corridor.

We've just seen it.

Mrs. Slocum's pussy.

Yeah, yeah, I just passed it in the
corridor.

Its tail was erect, its ears were flat,
and its eyes were looking with a sort of

glazed look, as though it had just seen
something.

Hmm, probably just seen you.

Well, don't you worry, I'll go and get
it. Have another candle. Thank you.

Did you hear

that?

That's what I'm talking about. The
storm's awakened it and it's creaking.

I think it needs oiling.

Did you hear that?

Has it got a wooden leg?

Maybe.

He's taking a very long time.

He's probably scared her off.

Now, stay close behind me, Miss
Broughton. You worry, I will.

Big cook, I wish you wouldn't do that.

Oh, it's scary enough without you
frightening us. Mr. Dumbledore said that

there's something you wouldn't wish to
meet walking about the corridors.

Only the feeble -minded would believe
that sort of thing.

Oh, my lights have gone out.

I've got a few of mine out.

Come on.

There's things abroad tonight beyond the
ten of the lights of wee.

You go to bed and lock your doors.

Not without my Tiddles.

Who says that can't be our idea?

Oh, Tiddles, are you in there?

Dad,

what are you doing?

Holding the door.

I've just seen something horrible.

Have you meant to defuse it?

No, I don't intend to.

No, no.

Well,

it's lucky everything's normal in here.