Original subtitles

I told you not to bang that gong.

That's a fire alarm.

Is there some emergency you want to know about?

I'm calling a meeting. We must discuss the staff situation.

We have a photographer coming at six o 'clock to take a photograph of the staff

and we haven't got any.

Mr. Brumbold, what was all that noise about?

Yes, what was all that bonging going on? I was trying to summon you all.

Mr. Brumbold, Miss Brum... and I were having a lie down.

In future, we would like to be forewarned if we're going to be bonged

rest field.

Ah, Mr. Humphreys, are you free? I'm free.

I've just been setting the mousetraps in the kitchen.

Do you know, a mouse popped its head out of the hole, cleaned its whiskers, and

then as bold as brass, chewed on a bit of cheddar and dashed into the daydome.

Oh, I hate traps. I think they're cruel.

I'll put my pussy in front of the hole.

Next time he comes out, he'll get a nasty shock.

He'll probably move next door.

Probably hurl his shelf onto the trap.

Now, look, we have a staff photograph arranged for six o 'clock, and so far we

haven't got any staff.

What's much more important is that we have a party of Americans arriving

tomorrow, and they're going to pay more than £1 ,500 for the weekend.

Yeah, and we want the lolly.

More than that, I'm sure we're all agreed, we don't want to disappoint

Now, they're on a tour, you see, of all the old ruins of England.

Well, if you ask me, most of them sit in here.

I don't like that, ma 'am.

He's dead uncouth.

Now, look, I have here some of the old brochures for the hotel.

Now, you see on the front page, there's a photograph of the staff that were here

before. Before you sacked them.

I couldn't afford to pay them anyhow.

Oh, look, Captain Peacock.

There's a waiter here who looks just like you. He looks all haughty and old.

I'm not being a waiter, if that's what you're hinting at.

He has a very distinguished moustache, such as what you have.

Captain Peacock, he's not just a waiter.

He's the head waiter.

Well, what's the difference?

Captain Peacock, head waiter is the position of enormous power.

You see, a lot of that goes on.

Shouldn't I be the head, wait?

That is for the tips.

Yeah, them yanks are very big on that sort of thing.

Oh, yes, they were very generous during the war.

If there was anything you couldn't get, you could rely on them to give it to

you.

It appears in this photograph that there are two chambermaids.

Captain Peacock, they're not just chambermaids. They also fulfil the

function. Of waitresses.

Well, I'm not being a chambermaid in that final.

Miss Brahms is quite right.

We are retired salespersons specialising in ladies' intimate apparel. We do not

see ourselves creeping under beds, pulling out poes.

Yes, and I'm unanimous in that.

Mrs Slocum, nowadays we don't have china receptacles under bed.

We have bathrooms, en suite.

You would be more in the nature of ladies of the bedchamber.

Well, that sounds a bit better.

And you'd get double tips.

You'll think about it.

Now, Mr Humphrey, the barman looks right up your street.

I haven't been up that particular street for a very long time.

I like the jacket.

They make a special feature of him in the brochure.

Our barman, Luigi, is renowned for his cocktails from Monte Carlo to Biarritz.

Be sure to try his daiquiri.

I beg your pardon?

It's a rum cocktail, Mr. Humble. And it goes on. And don't leave without

sampling his own invention, a zombie surprise.

The central feature of which is the whole frozen banana.

That's enough to surprise any zombie.

I suppose it goes without saying, Mr. Rumbo.

that you were the stout, bald -headed manager who's plonked himself right in

middle of the photograph.

So I am prepared to undertake that position in lieu of anybody else. Do you

tips as well?

I believe that's not uncommon.

It would seem to me most unfair that Mrs. Slocum and Miss Browns, as

and ladies of the bedchamber, should get twice the amount that Mr. Humphreys and

I get in our singular capacities.

With respect, Captain Peacock.

I don't imagine that waitresses will get as big a tip as what you will as head

waiter. No, I can't see either of us getting a big one in the bed chamber.

I can't see much coming to me over the bar.

Well, at least you're in with a chance with your zombie surprise.

The best thing would be if we all put our tips into a box. They call it the

trunk. And then at the end of the week... We share them all out. And those

two jobs get twice as much.

Not at all. No. They only do each job for half the time.

But the immediate worry is the photograph at six o 'clock. I suggest we

ready.

Oh,

Mr. Westwick, you do look smart.

Luigi's old jacket, isn't it? Yes, due to the staff shortage, we had to take

over their roles for the photograph.

I'm the barman.

Well, certainly got the figure for it.

Thank you.

Unfortunately, Mr. Luigi's got some of his zombie surprise on the front.

Come here, I'll see if I can rub it off.

He was always getting dirty with Mr. Luigi.

Mind you, he was quite popular with the girls.

Popular with the men and all.

calling all rounder.

Bet you'll be the same.

I do know how to get on with people.

Will you watch your step with the girls or you'll be making me jealous.

Oh, by the way, I told my dad I was sleeping in your bed.

You didn't.

He didn't give you the strap, did he?

No. He said I was to keep to my side of the bed and give you plenty of room.

He's always thinking of other people, his dad.

I expect I'll get used to these country ways eventually.

And he said if we were cold, we could get another blanket out the cupboards.

You know, Mavis, between you and me, there's been a lot of eyebrows raised

you and I sharing a bed.

Well, where do they expect me to sleep?

On the floor?

Mind you, I will if you're not concerned.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I know I've been a bit tense this last couple of nights,

but I think I'm getting the hang of it.

house to chat to in bed, isn't it? It certainly is indeed.

Oh, and in an old creaky house like this, there's lots of noises in the

Yes, I expect there are.

Sometimes my hair stands on end.

Does it?

Dad says it's nothing to worry about. It's just the supernatural.

You just give me a nudge if anything makes yours stand on end.

I don't really want to worry you as well.

It's no good us both being frightened.

Ah, Mr. Humphreys, you're ready for the photograph.

I was just cleaning him up.

You go there, Mr. Humphreys, and have your photo took.

And don't forget to give him that big smile of yours.

Oh, he's a one, isn't he?

Well, he used to be.

Jim Peacock, are you all right?

Well, unfortunately, my predecessor was rather shorter than I am.

So, in order to attach the stiff shirt front to the trousers, I have to bend

forward like this. If I stand up straight, we have the following result.

It's like being hit under the chin by an express roller blind.

Well, your dick is too short.

My dad used to have that trouble. His used to pop up every time he went to the

art fellows.

I'm sure we can make do with it for the picture.

The photographer's here.

We'll have everybody in a group on the stairs, Mr. Maxwell.

Right. Are the staff ready?

Well, we have had slight staff problems. We've decided to fill the vacancies

ourselves. Well, as long as we get a good picture.

Where are the waitresses?

Ah, they're coming down.

These skirts are ridiculous.

I certainly have to let mine down.

Luckily, I have the legs for it.

This picture will be circulated all over America.

Madonna will have to watch out.

Oh, what about the hall, Porter?

Ah, I've had to take a temporary measure there.

I feel

a right turn at this.

It's only for the picture, Mr. Moulton.

I suppose you'll all look all right.

I'm afraid I've got to dash.

Mr. Rumbone, I'm sure I can leave you to organize a nice group. I'm sorry I have

to go. Goodbye.

Now, pay attention, everybody. We are going to have a photograph of ourselves

taken by Mr. Maxwell.

Well, how do you want that?

Wait a minute.

Let's build up the picture.

Well, I hope it don't take long. There's ends to feed and towns to know.

And the sound's waiting to be serviced by the boar from the next farm.

He won't mind waiting for a minute or two.

No, he won't, but she will.

She's acting.

She climbs in the wheelbarrow herself.

Could we not discuss these lurid details at some other time?

Yes. Mrs. Slocum, Miss Brown, could you try sitting on the fifth stair?

The sights you see when you ain't got your gun.

Do we? have to sit in this position?

Well, it's just to illustrate the sort of services we're offering.

In that case, I should sit side -saddle.

You would be on safer ground if you stood up.

Stand to either side of the stair. That would be better. Now, Captain Peacock,

come stand between them. Mr. Humphreys, come stand at the end by the banister.

I think it would be better without the hand on the knob.

Wouldn't I be holding a zombie surprise?

I don't think so, Mr. Humphreys. Now, Mr. Mulder, come stand on the other

opposite Mr. Humphreys, and I'll stand in the middle.

If you stand there, 90 % of my position of power will be obscured.

Move up one. How's that, Mr. Maxwell?

Captain Peacock's head is out of the top of the picture. Oh, well, that won't

do. Move down one.

I'll sit on a chair. Mr. Moulton, could we have the chair over here?

That's it. Here, Mr.

Rumbles. Thank you. That's it. Now then, I'll sit there.

Now I can only see the top of your head, Mr. Rumbles.

Come and stand up here beside me.

Now, Crowdy, tell the ladies to hold their pose. I thought I made it quite

we're not going to do anything of the sort.

All smiles.

Mr. Mambo, Mr.

Moulthead looks as though he's advertising one flew over the cuckoo's

Yes, Mr. Moulthead, do we have less teeth?

Which set do you want, top or bottom?

Just a wry smile, Mr. Moulthead. Wry smile? How did that go?

Oh, show him, Mr. Humphreys.

If I do that, I'll be the talk of the village.

Imagine you're looking at the sow with the ball.

Can't do that.

It's private.

Perhaps it'd be better if Mr. Moulton looked keen and intelligent.

What, both together?

Oh, look, Mr. Maxwell, try one. Perhaps we'll get lucky.

I'll let a flood of emotion pass over me face and you tell me when to stop.

Right, now, everybody smile.

Except Mr. Moulton.

Right, ready?

Hold it.

Oh, my dickies hit my chin again.

Oh, I'm sorry I missed that.

Oh, hello, Mavis.

Where is everybody?

Oh, they're having their photos took.

What on earth for?

Well, they couldn't get no staff, so they're having to stand in for them.

Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Why don't they ask me?

Well, I think they think you're above all that sort of thing.

You add in private quarters above the stables and you know a Mr. Grace so

Yes, I expect they're jealous.

Well, there's a bit of that.

But not Captain Peacock.

I see the muggle in you.

No, the brave men are all the same.

No, Mr. Rumpkin is different.

Yes, I've noticed.

about the staff problem. It would be nice to get some service around here.

And one last picture.

Hold it.

Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Maxwell.

We shall be looking forward to seeing the prince.

Can I get over this monkey suit?

Before Mr. Moulton goes, don't you think we should have a plan of campaign as to

what actually happens when the guests arrive?

That's a very good idea, Captain Peacock. I was about to suggest it.

Oh, you all look rather good.

Mr. Price didn't ask me to give you a hand.

We didn't think you'd be good at anything.

I hardly think Miss Lovelock will have had any practical experience in a hotel.

And I think she'll have had most of her experience in a hotel.

Well, of course I haven't actually been on the staff.

But as Mr. Grace's companion, I've been a guest in some of the best hotels in

the world.

I'm more than qualified to say whether you're up to standard or not.

Perhaps we should let Miss Lovelock act. As it were, as a guest, give us a

chance to iron out any wrinkles before the real guests arrive.

I could be delighted.

And I think we could undertake to implement any suggestions that you may

Good. Where do we start?

Well, let's make it as realistic as possible. And any comments, Miss

Don't hold back.

I take it you're the manager?

Yes, of course.

Then I suggest you polish your shoes before your guests arrive.

She didn't know that back, did she?

Yes, well, that was a very good comment. I shall see to it. Bellboy, make sure

you polish these shoes better in future.

Don't you start on me.

I'm just here for the photo.

Mr. Moulton, we're all doing our best to fill in for the time being.

Yes, it's only temporary.

If you could see your way to helping us, Mr. Moulton.

Well, I don't mind, but that boar will be over here if she don't arrive soon.

She'll be past her Dubai date.

Well, let's assume we've just arrived.

Over to you, Miss Ludlock. Get my bags out of the car, please.

I'll send the ball boy immediately.

Milton, bags out of car.

Please would have been nice.

I didn't expect any politeness from a bloke like you.

I am Cuthbert Rumbo, the manager.

Welcome to Milton Manor. Allow me to introduce the staff. This is Stephen,

head waiter.

Would you care for the menu?

Do you always have that trouble with your dickies?

This is Luigi, our international barman. I got everything you wanna.

I make it the short drinks, I make it the long drinks, I shake it a cockatail.

Sound like an Italian, Gracie Fields.

Sorry to interrupt, but there ain't no bags and there ain't no car.

Just imagine you're bringing them in, Mr. Moulton.

What should I imagine, big bags or little bags?

Oh, please yourself.

Now, this is Shirley, and this is Betty.

Are these the skivvies?

We are waitresses and ladies of the bedchamber. Yes, and we get double

I don't think older women should wear such short skirts.

And I think younger women should watch what they're saying, or they're louder

get a bunch of fines up their asses.

Darling, I'm only doing this to be helpful.

The bells, the bells.

Mr. Moulterd, what are you doing?

Bringing in the bags!

Big bag and a little bag!

If you ask me, the less the guests see of the staff, the better, so no

introductions. I'll be happy to take over the reception and do the welcoming.

Hands up those who'd like Miss Lovelock to do the welcoming.

And hands up those who'd like Miss Lovelock to get the sack.

I think we should abide by her decision. After all, she has been in the

international set.

And no doubt vice versa.

Look, this needs proper organisation.

The porter's hopeless.

You be the porter, Mr Rumbold.

What, me?

Yes, you.

I must protest.

I thought we took it as agreed that Miss Lovelock's decision is final.

Well, who's going to do my job?

Someone with charm and authority.

Well, I'm quite happy being the barman.

I was referring to Captain Peacock.

You, Mr Humphreys, will be the head waiter.

Without the dickie. I prefer it that way.

Well, who's going to do the bar?

Miss Brandt has a look for a barmaid.

Right, I'll do the bar. You're banned.

Well, I can't believe me, without a position.

Well, you can do the bedroom, be a waitress, help in the kitchen.

And for heaven's sake, try and keep out of sight.

We're all so nice.

got them. Mrs. Slocum, I do mind being a waitress and sweeping under the bed.

Here, Mrs.

Slocum, here's some brandy. Say when.

When.

I haven't said when.

Well, thank you, Miss Brahms.

Is she upset about something?

She wanted a more important position.

I ain't seen her that upset since 1942 when she thought I'd put her in... the

family way.

Oh, Miss

Brahms, where have you been?

I don't like being on my own in a storm.

Well, I was in the bathroom, but I didn't brush my teeth. I was trying to

the tap because of the lightning.

Very wise.

My husband's brother was struck by lightning.

Oh,

the dodgems at a fairground.

And the lightning went straight down the pool.

It melted all the loose change in his trouser pockets.

Oh, did the insurance pay out?

No, they couldn't replace what he'd lost.

Are you feeling better now?

Well, yes, that brandy gave me a bit of a boost.

But that Miss Lovelock really upset me.

Oh, my goodness, that was a near one.

Oh, my poor Tiddles. She'll be terrified. I think I'll take her into

me. Yes, she should be back by now.

Back? What do you mean, back?

I just saw her going for a walk down the corridor.

Oh, Miss Browns, the lights have gone out. Have you got any matches?

Oh, yes, there are some in my portmanteau under the bed.

You know, I've never liked it in the dark.

There's a candle here, so it must have happened before.

Is that you, Mrs. Slogan?

Captain Peacock, kindly avert your torch.

The lights have gone out.

We had noticed.

We've got a candelier if you've got a light.

Oh, yes.

Look, Captain Peacock, have you seen my pussy?

Not recently.

It's gone missing.

Perhaps it's gone mousing.

Well, I've got to find out.

Where's my dressing gown?

Mr. Enfrey.

Mr.

Enfrey. Wake up.

It's all right, men. Follow me.

Wake up.

What is it?

There's a great rumbling and there's been banging and flashing.

Well, I hope you're not holding me responsible.

That's what it is. Do you know, I was just dreaming I was in the middle of the

Charge of the Light Brigade and Lord Cardigan had told me to put my hat on

straight and you poked me in the ribs.

The lights have gone out and we've been plunged into darkness.

At times like this, the old house has a life of its own.

What do you mean by that?

Do you mind if I move a bit closer?

Well, if you speak up, I can hear you from where you are.

On a night like this, you can hear it walking about.

Move a bit closer.

What can you hear walking about?

I don't know.

We hear it, but no one's seen it.

But when it's around, there's a chill in the air.

Do you know, I'm really glad you've told me this.

The lights have gone out.

I'll go and see if the ladies are all right.

Now, you be careful.

Mavis says on a night like this, there's a... thing walking about that you can't

see.

I'll get another candle.

I'm going to find Mr. Bolterd and get him to check the fuses.

We're going for Tiddle.

Now then, Miss Trotts, stay close behind me.

Yes, I will.

Oh, you're shivering. Are you cold?

No, I'm just dead scared.

Now, if we keep very quiet, we may be able to hear Tiddle's breathing.

She has a touch of asthma, you know.

Oh, that was horrible.

Oh, yes.

It was Mr Rumble.

I'm sorry.

You seem to be having a dramatic effect on everybody this evening.

Well, what do you expect?

You look like an illuminated gargoyle.

Are you both all right?

Mr Humphreys says that on nights like this, something rather ghastly walks

in the corridor.

We've just seen it.

Mrs. Slocum's pussy.

Yeah, yeah, I just passed it in the corridor.

Its tail was erect, its ears were flat, and its eyes were looking with a sort of

glazed look, as though it had just seen something.

Hmm, probably just seen you.

Well, don't you worry, I'll go and get it. Have another candle. Thank you.

Did you hear

that?

That's what I'm talking about. The storm's awakened it and it's creaking.

I think it needs oiling.

Did you hear that?

Has it got a wooden leg?

Maybe.

He's taking a very long time.

He's probably scared her off.

Now, stay close behind me, Miss Broughton. You worry, I will.

Big cook, I wish you wouldn't do that.

Oh, it's scary enough without you frightening us. Mr. Dumbledore said that

there's something you wouldn't wish to meet walking about the corridors.

Only the feeble -minded would believe that sort of thing.

Oh, my lights have gone out.

I've got a few of mine out.

Come on.

There's things abroad tonight beyond the ten of the lights of wee.

You go to bed and lock your doors.

Not without my Tiddles.

Who says that can't be our idea?

Oh, Tiddles, are you in there?

Dad,

what are you doing?

Holding the door.

I've just seen something horrible.

Have you meant to defuse it?

No, I don't intend to.

No, no.

Well,

it's lucky everything's normal in here.