Original subtitles

I had to pull that flush ten times, my arm. Oh, you're looking in blooming

health today, Mrs. Slocum. Well, this country air agrees with me, Miss Brahms.

Between you and me, I've left off my foundation.

Oh.

It's given my skin a chance to breathe.

The country air has certainly perked Mr. Humphries up. Oh, I think it's that

young girl, maybe.

Yes, she's a simple child, but she seems devoted to him.

Probably makes a change from all those rough village boys that hang round

outside the pub, try to have a kiss and cuddle with anyone that goes by.

Which pub is that?

The Four Ferrets.

Miss Brahms and I popped in yesterday after your trial.

I wouldn't recommend it. These jukebox things they have ruin the atmosphere of

coaching inn.

You went and pressed the button for love me tender, love me true.

Quite by accident, with my elbow, as I was avoiding the barmaid's bosom as she

pushed by with two pints of Big Dice Crumpy.

What on earth is that?

Something which wipes out the memory of ever having ordered it.

Yeah, you want to stay out of that public bar and all. It's full of those

workers. Oh, I had to go through there to go to the loo and there was rough

hands all over me.

Oh, thank you for warning me, Miss Brown.

I hate that sort of thing.

Isn't that the pub on the corner?

That's the one.

Oh, it looks quite nice from outside.

Good morning, Miss Lovelock.

Good morning, Captain Leacock.

Someone's hogged all the hot water this morning.

Really? How selfish of them.

Off on your bike, are you?

I promised to exercise Sir Robert's hunter.

I'll be back in about an hour.

Take any messages for me? Oh, yes, madam.

That one gets right up my nose.

Mr. Grace probably spoils her a bit. Older men frequently do.

So we've noticed.

Been doing your cake fit, Mr. Humphrey. Yeah, I've been out for four hours.

Mavis has had me in the vegetable patch.

Picking peas for the pea soup.

Do you know, I shelled five pounds before breakfast this morning.

It is wonderful. They come in little packets like that. You just pop the end

open and open them up and there they are.

No additives, no ease, no artificial colouring. Just a lot of little green

munching. I think I'll skip the pea soup.

Ah, now that you're all there, we must have a meeting.

Are you free, Captain Peacock? Yes, at the moment.

Mrs. Slocum, Miss Browns? Yes, we are free.

Mr Humphreys, are you... Humphreys?

Now, I have a rather serious matter to discuss.

Before you start, Mr Rumbold, may I have an understanding regarding the bath

water? When I performed my ablutions this morning, I got three inches of hot

about two foot of tepid.

Well, the baths are very big here, and people have been overindulging.

Oh, you're right there.

Captain Peacock was in there for hours this morning. He was all steam coming

the keyhole.

I hope you weren't looking through it, Miss Brown.

I would have done, but Miss Lovelock wouldn't move over.

Just winding you up.

Well, you must all realise that it's an old -fashioned system. We'll have to

ration ourselves to five inches. Do you agree, Mrs Slocum?

Oh, really, Mr Rumble, we had all that during the war.

And five inches goes nowhere.

Speaking for myself, four inches would be more than adequate.

Let me get a solution merely to provide more hot water.

No, it isn't, Captain Peacock. Me and Mavis were in that woodshed for hours,

-ing and fro -ing with a cross saw yesterday.

And the wood's all gone.

Well, I do not intend for one second to give up my usual big bath.

You'll have to go in the woodshed we've made this.

Oh, I'll organise a rota for wood duty, and those that want more water can chop

more wood. A point of order, Mr Rumble.

Is Miss Lovelock entitled to a bath in the main house, seeing as how she's

domiciled in the groom's quarters?

Yes, well, we do have a bit of a demarcation problem there.

I'm sure Captain Peacock will help her fill her quota.

Or share his bath.

Well, it's only fair if, as he says, he has an unusually big one.

Yes, well, what I wanted to discuss, now that we've dealt with the urgent matter

of the bathwater, is that I have received a phone call from the travel

booked the American party who are staying with us this weekend as part of

tour of Old England.

Well, they want baths and all.

It seems that the last place they stayed at was a bit below par.

They had damp sheets, overgrown gardens, dust and so on, all over everything, as

a result of which that hotel has been struck off the list. Now, we don't want

that to happen to us.

They pay very well, well over £1 ,000 per weekend, plus tips.

But how are they going to tip? We've got no staff.

Oh, well, we have had some replies, and I shall be interviewing some of the

applicants this afternoon.

Meanwhile, time is short.

I think we should buckle to and get this place ship -shape and Bristol fashion.

Oh, does that mean calling back Miss Lovelock?

I have made out a suggested list of tasks.

Captain Peacock, would you be good enough to deal with the lawns? The lawns

rather extensive.

I hope you're not expecting me to mow them single -handed.

Perhaps you could get Miss Lovelock to harness up her horse.

Miss Brahms, it has not escaped my attention that you have been implying

I'm attracted to Miss Lovelock in some way.

Overt references to sharing my bath.

Uncalled for remarks, Mrs. Slocum, about older men and younger women.

Not to mention big ones.

All this has not escaped my attention. And, let me state, here and now...

that I was just showing the orderly courtesy expected of a gentleman towards

um... Good -looking bird?

Towards a well -bred young lady who did, let us face it, look after Mr. Grace in

his, let us say, um... Reclining years.

I think you've made your point, Captain Peacock. I'm sure no offence was

intended and there is a ride on mower.

Captain Peacock, on behalf of Miss Brahms and myself, may I say that no

was intended.

Isn't that right, Miss Brahms? Yes.

We're just amazed you can still pull.

Well, I would like to say here and now that remarks have been made about me and

Miss Moulthard.

And I don't mind a bit.

Well, is that settled? Can we get on?

Yes, yes, of course. Now, weeds, Mr Humphreys. I beg your pardon?

Did you weed the beds?

Oh, it's a long time since I did that.

And, uh, while you're about it, cut some flowers for Mrs Slocum to arrange.

Oh, roses would be nice, Mr Humphreys. You'll find secretaries in the shed.

If not, they'll be non -secretaries.

Nobody got that, did they?

he could try it on Miss Lovelock.

Sorry.

Now, Miss Brahms, could you vacuum the carpet and the stairs?

Do the dusting? Oh, and the sheets came back from the laundry still a little on

the damp side.

Perhaps you could hang them out to air. Oh, and make sure that there is soap,

towels and loo rolls in the bathroom.

Oh, hang on a minute.

I'm not bleeding Cinderella.

Perhaps we could watch our language, Miss Brahms. Well, Well, he gets on my

wick.

No, no, no.

You're quite right, Miss Brahms. I was overloading you.

Perhaps Mr Humphreys could deal with the kitchen.

With Miss Moulton.

And, Mrs Slocum, perhaps you could help with the sheets.

Ian, what about the vacuuming?

Could you help with that too, Mrs Slocum? I am not lugging a great big

all those stairs, and I am unanimous in that.

No, no, no. It's not a big one. It's only a junior goblin. I'm sure the

gentleman... Mr. Huffington, could you manage a junior goblin up the stairs?

Ah,

Miss Lovelock.

That's a fine animal.

Yes, but she's got a lot of arab in her.

Makes her a bit wild. Oh, well, yes, that's only to be expected.

Fortunately, I have very strong thighs.

I can crush the breath out of her and slow her down.

Terrible. I wonder if you could tell me where the mower is. I'm going to

manicure the lawn.

Of course.

I'll come along with you and help to get you going.

And you've got a starter.

Just needs a strong pull.

I shall follow your technique with interest.

You are tall, aren't you? Just 6 '2". As a matter of fact, I'm the same height

as Ramon Navarro.

Who's he?

Oh, just one of those new rock singers.

Tell me, you just cut all those flowers for me?

Well, I've certainly just cut them.

Oh, they're lovely.

Here, have you ever rotted a drain?

No, but I've dealt with my mother's kitchen sink with a rubber plunger.

Well, stick this thing in and shove it up and down.

I think there's a dead rat down there.

I'll go and put your lovely flowers in a bucket.

all the rest.

Yes, well, usually I've just taken down the lawn track.

By the time I've done Tesco, they're all finished.

You're living in the country now, Miss Brown.

Well, it's like in a ladder. It's a bit high, isn't it? Oh, silly girl.

Well, old -fashioned but effective.

You know, we've got to learn to do things for ourselves now.

Yes, I suppose I've always been lucky.

There's always been some fella there to do things for me. Well, until recently.

Whatever happened to that man with the amusement arcade in Newport Pagnot?

Well, he got hit by the recession.

And then by his wife when she found out about me.

Oh, was that the time in that hotel? Yes.

When you were caught in the fire escape in United?

Yes.

Could they tell it was you in the photo?

No.

But they could see it was him when he was climbing out the window with his leg

over.

Mr. Holmes, how long was it?

Oh, we were together for five years. Every Tuesday.

Well, you mustn't give up hope, you know.

I mean, you're still a very attractive person.

Oh, thank you. When you do yourself up.

You've got a lot to offer.

Yes, well, unless they've got some lolly, I'm not offering it.

You know, between you and me, I'm keeping an eye open on my own behalf.

Oh? Well, there are a lot of men of property about in this part of the

and if I find one, I shall pounce.

Yes. Do you want me to help you put it up? Oh, thank you, Mrs. Robinson.

There. They'll dry in no time. Well, we'd better go and tackle the interior.

Yeah, you know that Mr. Moulter, he's got his eye on you.

No, don't think I haven't noticed, Miss Browns. Now, you know I'm not snobbish,

but he is a bit below my station.

Real son of a soil, isn't he?

Most of it's under his fingernails.

here in this garage.

That's the throttle. That's the clutch. Careful with the throttle. It's a bit

sticky. Where's the brake?

There isn't one.

Start her up.

Oh, yes.

Right.

I suppose there's a knack.

It just needs a quick pull.

Allow me.

See you later.

No need to mow the verges. The council do that.

Madcap.

Oh, Mr.

Humphreys, you're bringing that floor up a fair tree.

I think I've got housemaid's knee.

Dear, have you had it before?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I have. I got it in me hand.

My mother had quite a shock.

You need a rest.

Give me Anne with the stew.

Oh, right.

Great. Now, we've done the parents in the apartment.

Give me Anne with the onions. What do we do?

Peel them and chop them. Dip them in the water. You don't get them in your eyes

so much.

Oh, my mother used to do that.

You talk about your mother a lot.

When did you finally leave home?

Thursday.

I've never been married.

No, never.

No, I never found Miss right.

Sounds like your life's been a bit lonely.

Well, yes, I suppose so.

Still, I've had a good life.

I've had some lovely Christmases.

I've got a lot of cards.

The milkman and the dustman used to come in.

They'd have a drink and tell a little joke.

I used to go to Western Supermare, paddle, listen to the band.

I often used to think to myself, oh, the people having as much fun.

Well, it's nice to have happy memories you can laugh about.

I've had a lovely life here in the country.

And it's been a lot happier since you've been here.

that I am not pulling my weight. May I remind you that I have vacuumed this

entire room while you were unwrapping loom rolls, which was hardly exhausting.

But I don't think these carpets will need doing again in a hurry. Most of the

pattern went up the pipe.

I've had a rocket down to that vacuum. There's hardly any sap left.

I've had the same dead moth up the nozzle three times. It keeps falling

If you ask me, the sooner the staff get here, the better.

Well, I must congratulate you on the dew, Mr Humphreys.

Mind you, the gravy was a bit salty.

I cried a lot into the onions.

I should like to congratulate you all on your efforts this morning.

The flower arrangement looked particularly effective, Mrs Clocombe,

carpet came up remarkably well.

Yeah, most of it came up the vacuum.

I am not, however, so pleased about the lawns.

The stripes should go up and down, not round and round. That was the second

the throttle stuck.

I also had a complaint that you were seen driving the mower on the public

highway. That was the first time the throttle stuck.

There is always the question of what you intend to do about the hole in the

hedge.

I have a suggestion about that.

Oh, what is that, Captain Peacock? I'm going to suggest that you get out there

and stop it up yourself.

Captain Peacock, I'm not used to being spoken to like that. Then you'd better

get used to it. We're not in the store now, you know. No, then.

That's enough of that bickering.

Crosswords make cross faces, and we don't want them at the table.

And you, Mr. Rumbold, what do you mean by leaving those tatoes?

We're not having saucy plates round here.

We snack, whatnot.

Now, eat them up.

No pudding.

Don't you talk with your mouth full.

You should do a bit more work, reindeer.

Mr. Renfrew's nearly done himself in rodding this morning.

Is there anything you wish to say,

Mr. Renfrew?

I think I'll have Mr. Rumble's potato.

Sorry to barge in when you've got your snouts in the trough.

I've just come to tell you that I'm real...

Cut up about them sheets.

Oh, I suppose it wasn't really your fault.

Well, I've hosed up water in the town's drinking trough, put the sheets in the

stove. Now, which sheets are those?

Mrs. Flocombe and I hung them out to air and he ran over them in a tractor.

And why wasn't I informed?

Because you were too busy poking your nose into the hole in the head.

You start again, you'll get no pudding either.

Oh, yes.

I hosed it out with sheet dip.

And then I put in one of them detergents like they has on television.

All they need now is a good stir to get the tire marked.

Oh, we'd better go and see what he's done.

Well, it's a horse truck.

Well, that's what we use in the country when there's a big job.

Of course, we used to do it in the stream till Sir Robert let his cows pat

it. Mind you, that stream still brings my trousers up a tree.

We're lucky we've got all this modern equipment.

Well, it's no good you all looking at it.

Miss Darren's friends, Captain Peacock, take your shoes and socks off.

No, look.

you trousers.

And get in and tease all the dirty.

What are we supposed to do?

Tuck your skirts in your knickers.

Oh, why should you worry?

I've seen it all before.

You have not seen it all before.

Teasling's good fun.

Oh, yes, come on in. The water's lovely and warm.

Well, you can't tease all without a teasling song.

Dad's known all over the district for his Teasel men.

I knew you'd be a good sport and join in.

One, two, three, four.

Teasel Dublin, Teasel, Teasel, Teasel, it's time to play.

Teasel left and Teasel right, till the sheets are nice and white.

All together, Teasel Dublin, Teasel, Teasel. Teasel, teasel, it's time for

Teasel left and teasel right.

Teasel, teasel right.

Catchy little thing, isn't it?

The dirt and dust are stained.

Teasel, teasel, time again.

Teasel up and teasel down. Make your trousers nice and round.

There, that'll do.

They're still a bit damp.

They'll dry off on the rack.

Still a faint aroma of sheep dip.

Bounce some air freshener on them.

Oh, that's a good idea, Miss Jones.

Now, what shall we have?

Evening dew or autumn verbena surprise?

Don't use that one. It's up and cleaner. We don't want to go teaseling again.

Stand back.

Ah,

I have good news.

Some applicants have arrived for the staff appointment.

Captain Peacock, are you free to interview?

I shall be in a moment.

Well, I say to you, sir, you run along, Mr. Humphries, and do your interviewing.

Up you all go.

I'll have a nice cup of tea waiting for you when you've done.

We'll interview them in the main hall.

This is now a matter of some urgency, as Mr. Frobisher of the travel agency is

arranging for a photographer to come tomorrow morning to take a picture of

staff for the new brochure. Oh, you ladies.

Now, before we start, can we all agree what sort of qualities we're looking

Hard workers.

And they must have good references.

And they must be game for a teasel.

They must be cheap.

Mr. Moulton is holding them back in the billiard room. How many are there?

At the moment?

Two?

Could we have the first one, Mr. Moulton?

Mrs.

Clegghampton!

Ah, Mrs.

Clegghampton. Mrs.

Clegghampton is applying for the post of chambermaid.

Good afternoon.

Perhaps you give us your CV.

You what?

Your CV?

No. I'm a lapsed Catholic.

What was your last position?

I was in Madam Tussauds for ten years.

What section did they put you in?

Historical.

There's not a monarch hasn't had my feather duster up his regalia.

I was there for ten years and I ended up in a chamber of horrors.

Right in the bath.

Did you leave of your own volition?

No, I left the ambulance.

I get these dizzy spells, you see.

Are you acquainted with a vacuum cleaner?

Oh, yes, but I don't do stairs.

What about washing up?

No, I can't put my hands in detergent. They all come up.

Can you make bait?

Oh, yes.

But I can't change sheets and pillowcases.

When I was younger, I used to trap the pillow under me chin.

But since I had my operation, I'm not... I think what we have in mind

for you is perhaps too arduous.

Good afternoon.

I don't think she's going to make it to the door.

Oh, Mr Rumbold, be gentle with her.

Of course.

Next!

Oh, the next one is Mr. Bald Pony. He's been a first -class waiter for 30 years

in Bristol, Manchester, Glasgow, London and Edinburgh.

In hotels?

Restaurant cars, British Rail.

May we stop the tea, mate? And Mr. Bald Pony's just waiting to demonstrate his

skill by bringing it to you.

30 years as a restaurant car attendant's a pretty good recommendation.

So, then... Mr. Bald Pony!

I think he's been shunted into a siding.

And even for the first sitting mind at all, I ought to mention that the uniform

goes with the job.

He's got yesterday's lunch menu down.

Well, thank you, Mr. Volpani. We'll let you know. I'm on the 845 to Edinburgh,

but you can get in touch with me at Darlington because the stationmaster

will hold a board up with a message on it. But don't make it too long.

It's an express.

That's it, then.

Oh,

I'm Frobisher, the travel agent.

I'm sorry, but I couldn't get the photographer for tomorrow, so he'll be

six o 'clock this evening.

Had the staff standing by about five -two. Sorry, moustache.

The place is looking first -class.

Love the whirly effect on the lawn.

Well,

Mr Humboldt,

I don't see how we can open without a staff.

But if we don't open, we don't cop the lolly.

You'd better get off your backbones then, hadn't you?

That does it.

You're all arguing again.

You'll get no supper.

Except for you, Mr. Enfries. You and me will have a little nibble upstairs.