Original subtitles

Why are you drawing faces on the eggs?

Well, the ones with the mouse going down are the soft ones.

The ones with a little smile are a bit firmer.

And the ones with a big smile are the hard ones.

Put me down for a hopeful grin.

You were wrestling bad last night.

That was your fault. You rolled over and took all the bedclothes.

Did I?

I'm sorry.

Mavis, between you and me, despite any rumours you may have heard to the

contrary, all my life I have slept alone.

Apart from Wilfred.

Who's Wilfred?

My teddy bear.

Well, don't you think it's nice to have someone to chat to?

Around these parts, we often bunk up together to keep warm.

It doesn't work if you pinch the blankets.

You should hug him back again. That's half the fun.

I won't ask what the other half is.

I used to have terrible tussles with the last chef.

He were a quiet lad like you.

Lad, oh.

I haven't heard that for a long time.

I used to bring him out of himself with a pillow fight.

You know how to get on with people, don't you?

Well, I always say people is like houses.

You never know who lives in them till you knocks at the door.

No, well, people have knocked, but my mother's always answered.

of milk.

They'll be with him in the corner.

Morning, Mr. Humphrey. Good morning, Miss France.

And how are you this morning?

Are you drunk because I pinched all the blankets?

It's not what you think, Miss France.

It's not just what I think. We all think it.

Apparently it's quite normal in the country.

You'd think they'd wait to be asked.

Mr. Slocum's on a terrible date about going to court today.

Well, I blame Captain Peacock. He should never have let Mrs. Slocum move that

gypsy horse and cart on her own.

I don't know. understand what made the old bolt.

It probably looked round, so it was driving.

Morning, Captain Peacock. You look very formal.

I haven't seen you wear that suit since you were the floor walker at Grace

Brothers. I'm a key witness in the case of the Crown versus Mrs. Slocum.

Oh, blimey.

Crippin's bird.

Come and sit down, Mrs. Slocum. I've just made a pot of tea.

Oh, thank you.

It's only a country court, you know, Mrs. Slocum. It's not Nuremberg.

Oh, it's all so humiliating. It's the first time I've been in court.

What about that time you was legless in Bellydorm?

And you knocked that policeman's ass off, fired his pistol in the air and

shouted out, Franco the Bert.

Franco was very unpopular at the time. I was merely excited. Expressing the will

of the people.

Oh, you do look smart, Captain Peacock.

You'll make a right stir in the court.

They only get drunk for the rule, or dad for sheep worrying.

I didn't know he had a dog.

He hasn't, but he worries them quite a lot all the same.

Good morning.

Don't get up.

I have some good news. Mrs. Thorpe, Thorpe and Thorpe.

Mr. Gracie's family solicitors have agreed to conduct the case on our

Who have they appointed?

Mr. Thorpe.

I would have thought a local man was better qualified.

I decided the bench would be more impressed by a London firm. The whole

ridiculous. The case will be thrown out in two minutes. It should never have

been brought.

Sorry to barge in when you got your snopes in the trough.

Have you seen the papers?

You lot.

Page headline news.

Oh, let's have a look.

Pensioner in rumpus over stolen car.

Oh, they must be referring to that gypsy.

Do they mention me?

Yes. You're the pensioner.

You've had your photo took.

He snapped you on the cart passing the post office.

Is it a good likeness? It's good of your bloomers.

Well, don't worry, Mrs. Slocum, they can't see your face.

Could be anybody's bloomers.

Mrs.

Slocum of Millstone Manor was yesterday arrested and charged with taking away a

totter's cart without consent and driving it in a dangerous manner.

Mrs. Slocum refused to give her age, but the Mercury reporter recovered her bus

pass from the floor of the ship.

When charged, she replied...

It was an accident, and I am unanimous in that.

Always a bit more.

A witness, Corporal Peacock... A misprint.

Age 37?

Another misprint.

Said he had warned her against taking the cart, but she had ignored his

Oh, how could you? I said nothing of the kind.

I said that I advised Corton when moving the cart, and that you didn't take any

notice. This is trial by media. We should complain to the press council.

Well, you'll be up before Sir Robert.

He's ever so strict, but he's fair.

He's master of the foxhounds.

I don't suppose he'll let the fact that you're cat ruin the uncount against you.

Hasn't anyone answered the phone around here?

We didn't hear it ring.

I was having a bath. I had to climb out all wet.

Very charming you look, too.

Did anyone order a taxi?

Yes, I did.

Well, it's not coming. Apparently, the big N's gone.

That's very serious.

Well, how are we going to get to the court?

I suppose I could ferry you one by one on my motorcycle, if it's any help.

My dad's got market this morning.

He could give you a lift.

What time's he leaving? In about ten minutes.

I'll tell him to wait for you in the yard.

Well, I, for one, will be only too pleased to take advantage of your kind

Miss Loveler. I'll get him to my leather.

Have you got any?

No, no, no. I'll go as I am.

Where shall I meet you?

Behind the bike shed.

Happy days.

Love, love.

Love, love.

at the start of the World Championship.

And off away they go.

T -Clock, a magnificent star, despite the fact he's the oldest man in the race

at 37.

At my word, he's on ahead like a teenager.

With a nerve of iron, he goes into the first corner.

The man who's taught Barry Sheen everything he knows is leading the

machine, of course, prepared by the mechanic Jessica Ludlock, with whom it

said he has a romantic attachment.

Can he keep up this amazing daredevil performance for 100 drooling laps?

There's no doubt about it. There's only one name that's going to be on

everyone's lips this season. Captain Peter?

Are you Mr. Thorpe?

No, no, but I've always been a keen follower of the sport.

That hat won't do, I'm afraid.

Oh, no, of course not.

What's that?

What fun.

Now hold me firmly.

Keep your body relaxed.

Don't stiffen up.

to give you a chance to get the feel of it.

Visors down.

Here we go.

Peacock, you can let go now.

Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock.

Are you still in there?

I told you not to stiffen up.

On second thoughts, Miss Lovelock, I think I'll take your alternative choice.

Dad's just coming. He had trouble getting it going.

going in that for a start, and I am unanimous in that.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

I had to use the handle and the appliance slipped.

Is there anything we can do?

Nah. Doctor said it's best left alone.

Now let's get those sour boards.

Thank you to keep a civil tongue in your head, Mr. McGregor.

Dad, he's the one who'll take it to market.

Now, give me Anne with the piglets.

Right. You lot... Hand this side of the wire, and I'll hand them to you.

Dad must lift everywhere.

He must be adjusting his appliance.

Now then, come on.

Come on.

Do you know, it's that putting me off bacon.

There you are.

Oh,

fancy travelling with pigs.

Well, anything's better than the bacon loon line.

Captain Peacock, I thought you were travelling by motorcycle. I gave up my

to Mr. Rumble.

Where's the car?

This is it.

All aboard!

I do this under protest.

What's that noise?

That's the pigs. Dad's taken them to market.

I wouldn't sit down if I were you.

A tale of two cities, when the aristocrats were being taken under

meet Madame Guillotine.

Yes, I bet it punged in them days and all.

How's the fence?

I hope they're enjoying the journey.

It's very relaxed.

Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Doctor. Good morning, Mr. Doctor. Mrs.

Slocum. We always seem to meet in sad circumstances.

Is everything ready?

Well, it's not the usual type of litigation handled by Thorpe, Thorpe and

Thorpe. Normally, we deal in divorce, rent arrears, that sort of thing.

I think I've prepared a pretty good case. And what is it?

That would be guilty.

Mr. Thorpe, I refuse to have a stain on my escutcheon by pleading guilty.

I was merely removing a horse that was obstructed. in the highway.

Ah, well, there was a similar case some time ago when a horse was removed in

like circumstances.

Crown versus Turpin.

What was the judgment?

He was hanged at Tyburn.

Attracted a pretty good crowd, I believe.

I don't know why you just don't go in there and tell them you didn't know the

horse was a nutter, otherwise you'd never have tried to shift it in the

place.

Mrs. Slocum, I'd hardly like to ask this, but have you any previous

Yes, one in Benidorm.

I was referring to this country.

Well, some years ago I was walking the streets of Soho. You

were on the game.

Let me finish, Mr Thorne. I was walking the streets of Soho looking for a taxi

with my... Then Mrs Axelbeer and we bumped into a policeman and

knocked off his helmet.

Just like Benidorm.

Shut up.

Unfortunately, he was a young, inexperienced policeman and very

thought we were tipsy. And what happened?

Forty shillings and a caution.

Are you sure you don't want to plead guilty?

Certainly not.

Mrs Slocum is a fine, upstanding member of this community.

Thank you, Captain Peacock.

Except when she's had a few gins.

Sorry we're late. I was getting into my leathers.

Blimey, he's wearing a whole cow.

The magistrates are about to take their seats, Mr Thorpe. Oh, thank you very

much. Well, good luck, Mrs Slocum. You stay out here, Captain Peacock. You're

our star witness.

What's already got a criminal record for speeding?

Court will rise.

Call Mrs.

E. Slocum. Mrs. E. Slocum.

Hey!

You!

Stand up.

What, me? Yes, you.

I'm telling you here and now that I won't stand for any nonsense from you

angels type.

The first hint of a disturbance and you're out of this court and into the

Is that clear?

I think you've got quite the wrong impression. Don't argue with me. Well,

it. I'll take him out. Take him out.

It's ridiculous for someone of your age to dress like that.

Damned beatniks.

Doing very well so far.

Are you Mrs. E.

Slocum of Millstone Manor? I am she.

Are we allowed to see the accused's face, or is there some feature of her

physiognomy that she does not wish the world to see?

Mrs. Slocum, would you remove the veil?

The charge is that on the 25th day of this month, at approximately midday, you

did drive away one horse and cart without the consent of the owner.

Do you plead guilty or not guilty?

Not guilty.

Inspector.

I intend to call only one witness on the first charge, Your Worship. The owner

of the cart. Call Mr. Joseph Lee.

Mr. Joseph Lee!

I don't give much for Mrs. Slocum's chances with that damn magistrate. He

implied I was a hooligan.

I think I've got a case for slander. I'm absolutely boiling.

I'm not surprised in that outfit.

Take your jacket off.

And where were you at the time of the theft of the cart?

I object.

It has not been established that it was stolen.

Are you one of those London lawyers?

Yes, Your Worship.

Well, don't try any of that L .A. law stuff on here. Carry on.

Where were you at the said time?

I was behind the edge, having a clash.

What was that?

He was, um, trimming the head.

Did you give your consent to this lady driving away your vehicle? Certainly

Nothing further, your worship.

Your turn, Mr. Pop. And get on with it. We don't want to be here all day.

No questions.

Just a minute.

I've got a question.

His horse was blocking the highway.

And how does he know if he was behind the hedge doing what he says he was

that it was me and not somebody that looked like me?

We know damn well it was you.

There's nobody else like you.

I intend to call no further witnesses on the first charge, Your Worship.

Stand down.

Mr. Thorpe. By way of rebutting this incident, I want to show that the whole

sorry affair was entirely accidental.

May I call Captain Peacock?

Call Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock.

Good luck, Peacock.

Don't let them browbeat you.

You'll be pleased to hear I got a good price for the pigs.

Well done.

Surprised to see you not in court, Mr Rumbles?

Well, I decided to wait out here.

Before we start, I think it would be helpful if we referred to your war

I returned with the rank of Honorary Captain.

Navy? No, Army.

Captain Peacock served with Alexander.

In the Ragtime Band.

General Alexander.

And Montgomery, and Eisenhower.

Captain Peacock had a most distinguished record until he was invalidated out.

just before the final assault on Tobruk with, um, an ingrowing toenail.

I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned his hand -to -hand combat with Rommel. I

that just comes out at the Christmas party.

Keep going.

Captain Peacock's been speaking for 20 minutes and hasn't said anything.

One of the lady magistrates has just been woken up by Sir Robert.

I stumbled over with a pheasant, Dad.

Well done.

We'll slip it to the clerk and he can give it to Sir Robert.

Good heavens, you're not trying to fix the magistrate.

We do things different in the country.

Well, I hope you'll be discreet about it.

Oh, don't you worry.

Don't you... Thank you, thank you.

I would now like to call Mr. Humphrey as a character witness.

Whose character are we talking about?

Mrs. Slocum.

That's all right, then.

Name? Wilberforce Claiborne Humphreys.

You weren't under Alexander Montgomery and Eisenhower, were you?

No, no, no. I kept myself to myself.

As a matter of fact, I was in the boys' brigade.

Have you known Mrs. Slocum a long time?

Oh, years and years.

And years.

Years and years and years and years. Not that long, Mr. Humphreys.

We started at Grace Brothers together.

In those days, she was in bras and I was in socks and white rugs.

Were you living with a woman?

No, no.

No, that was our work.

And may I say that Mrs. Slocum is as honest as the day is long and would

tell a lie, and I state my reputation on that.

Bango's the case for the defense.

Mrs. Thorpe's making rather heavy weather of it.

Call Miss Shirley Brahms.

Oh, God, he's calling Miss Brahms now. She's bound to put her foot in it.

Name? Shirley Brahms, Your Grace.

Now,

Miss Brahms, you've known Mrs.

Slocum for a very long time.

Oh, not another one.

to wear together.

And if she said she didn't done it, then she didn't done it.

I would take her word any day against that bloke who was behind the edge doing

whatever it was he said he was doing.

Mind you, after a few gins, she is game for a prank.

But this day, she hasn't had a baby or nothing.

Getting into rather deep water here.

But you were marvellous, Captain Peacock.

Would you two cats share your conversation with the rest of the court?

sorry, Your Worship.

Oh, Jessica, I didn't see it was you.

What happened to you yesterday?

I got tossed into a ditch.

Will you be with us this weekend?

If you'll have me, I'd love to.

Can I go? There is the moor.

Oh, Mr. Walter!

I've known her longer than anybody, haven't I?

Name? Morris Moulter.

M -O -U. We know.

He hasn't been worrying the sheep again, has he?

No, Celia. He's in the witness box.

The court has taken note of that, Mr. Moulter.

You've known Mrs.

Slocum a long time, Mr.

Moulter.

You're...

that, Mr.

Moulter? I don't doubt her veracity.

Pardon?

Would you doubt her veracity?

Well, she definitely had it when I first met her.

And would you say she was experienced in country matters?

Very, very experienced.

Oh, yeah. She'd have a go at anything.

Say so, Sir Robert.

I knows what Joe was doing when he left his car.

See, it was on your land he was, and it was your pheasants he was

poaching. I brought one along today as evidence, see?

Excuse me one moment, Mr Thorpe, while we confer.

What's happening now?

They lost me in Arragoth.

We'll have the verdict in a minute.

What do you suppose that will be?

I've no idea. I don't know what sort of sentences they pass in this part of the

country. Agreed.

Hang the bird in the cellar.

I pretend to always be... There's no need, Mr Thorpe.

It's five to one. I think we've heard quite enough of this rigmarole.

Mr Moulton has introduced an element of doubt.

Court adjourned.

Court arrived.

There, there, Tiddles. Good night.

Oh, nearly lost his mummy today.

And then one would have been an awful little girl.

Oh, sir, yes?

Just me, Mrs. Loke. I'm just coming to say good night.

Oh, aren't you going to sleep in here tonight?

Well, I've dried my bed out now.

But, um, well, I'll stop if you like.

Well, I would appreciate the company.

It's been a very unnerving day.

All right, then.

Mind you, if I should be very restless in my sleep, don't worry. I shall

probably be trying to escape from cell blockade.

Ah, Mrs. Slocum, Miss Brown.

If you should feel nervous during the night after your ordeal, and I'm next

door, you only have to knock.

I'll try to control myself, Captain.

In times of stress, I find it helpful to do what the Tibetans do. They adopt the

lotus position and hum.

There's an illustration of it in this book.

There. Oh, I don't think I could do that. Could you, Miss Brown?

No, not without an ambulance standing by.

Now, it'll only take about ten minutes. I hope I won't disturb you.

You see, each organ of the body responds to a different note when you hum.

Good luck, Captain Peacock.

I wonder which organ that was.

Well, we had the top and the bottom. That was probably somewhere in the

Good night, Miss Bronze.

Good night, Mrs Loken.

Settling in quite well.

I was in court today.

No, that's all behind me.

No, this was a different case.

I wasn't in the dock.

No, I was a witness.

And she got off.

I would have phoned you earlier, but I was putting a bolt on my bedroom door.

Well, it's the farmer's daughter. She tends to wander about a bit at night.

I think she's got hold of the wrong end of the stick.

The stick.

Yes,

the wrong end of it.

Are you on your mobile?

I thought you were. You're getting a lot of interference from your walking

frame.

There's somebody trying to get a taxi.

Hello?

We've been cut off.

Oh, you locked your door!

Well, yes, I'm still not used to sleeping in the country.

I had to come through the spare bathroom.

If you're nervous, I'll lock the bathroom door. No, no, no, that's all

No, you're right. If anything happened during the night, we wouldn't want to

fumble in the dark, would we?

No, we wouldn't, no.

I saw you through the door in court this morning.

You looked ever so handsome.

You probably saw my best side.

Oh, you spoke beautiful.

Just like Nigel Avers.

I've often been told that.

Will you give me electrocution lessons?

You sound very nice as you are.

I think you're lovely.

Good night.

Good night.

Are you going to put the light out?

When I've finished thinking.