Original subtitles

Well, I couldn't sleep.

It was all those country noises.

At least I think most of them were country noises.

I put the rest down to the tandoorian chips we had last night.

I went out like a light. I think it was all the oxygen in the air. Have you made

the tea?

Not yet.

See if you can find a teapot, Miss Browns.

Ah! What? What's ever the matter?

He won't be so confident when he sees my pussy.

Where is Tiddles?

Oh, she's in the bedroom asleep.

Oh, look, there's a cat flap here.

Oh, there's a big ginger tom sat outside here waiting for her. Well, it soon

gets about, doesn't it?

Well, I don't want to let her out until I put butter on her paws.

One has to do that, you know, when one moves to a new residence.

But all I could find in the pantry was half a carton of low -fat bread.

Wasn't there anything else?

Yes. Some yoghurt with a green beard.

Some sliced bread and a boneless skipper with about four minutes left on its

sell -by date.

Where's the milk?

Still in the cow, Miss Brown.

Well, what am I supposed to do? Take me tea out there, corner it and get a quick

squirt?

This is the con... We have to adapt to country ways.

Morning, Mrs. Slocum. Good morning, Captain. Good morning, Miss Brahms. Good

morning, Captain Peacock. We heard you sleeping well last night.

Did I snore?

That was the interpretation we chose.

Well, what's for breakfast?

Well, some of it's still under the hen.

Some of it's in the cow.

The rest is in the pigsty. And he doesn't know what danger he's in.

Well, where's Mr. Humphreys?

Oh, he's probably overslept.

Oh, yes.

Look, you make the tea, Miss Brahms. I'll go and arouse him.

Right.

I found this old teapot. I'll bung in some teabags. No, no, no, Miss Brahms.

me tell you how to make tea.

One doesn't bung in the teabags until one has warmed the pot.

Is there a jug anywhere?

Good morning.

What are you doing, Mother? There's no school on Sundays.

No, no, no. It's me, Mr Humphreys. Mrs Slocum.

Mrs Slocum.

Come in,

Mrs Slocum.

It's nine o 'clock.

Well, give me a moment and I might manage a shine.

I had the most extraordinary dream last night. I dreamt that the farmer's

daughter came in here and got into bed with me. That's not like you, Mr

Humphrey. What happened?

Nothing.

That's more like you, Mr Humphrey.

Morning, all.

I hope I didn't disturb you when I woke this morning.

I was up before a sparrow fart.

That makes me look out the cowshed first thing.

Does he really?

When I woke, I didn't know whether to arouse you or not.

That's a very difficult decision to have to make.

Then I looked at you lying there and I thought, he'll get up when he feels like

it. Now, I left one of my socks down here.

It's in here somewhere.

Are you sitting on it?

I don't think so.

Get over it!

Do you know he's no bother to sleep with?

He didn't move all night.

He was probably paralyzed.

So, I best get on with my work. I left a barrel full of muck from the cow shed

out the back. If Dad sees it, he'll have steam coming out of his ears.

Bye, Dad.

It was nothing to do with me. She just came in here and... Don't worry, Mr.

Humphreys. It will go no further.

I'm surprised it's gone as far as it does.

Ah, good morning, everybody.

Good morning.

You've got a pot of tea?

Yes, that amounts to me.

Well, that sort of thing is rather prevalent in the country. I made the tea

jug, but there doesn't appear to be any milk.

Here, Mrs. Slocum got a bucket full out that cow yesterday. Where is it?

Probably in the larder.

There's nothing else but breakfast except a malty old...

I'm to be plenty of eggs.

Mrs. Clifton is the egg -pert in these matters.

Following her egg -sperience as a land -girl.

She'll probably go foraging when she comes down.

Oh, not so much for me.

Well.

I have aroused Mr.

Humphreys.

He slept well.

And I can say no more.

My lips are sealed.

Wild horses wouldn't brag to me what I knew.

What do you know?

Oh, I couldn't possibly tell you. Oh, God. No, no, no, no. He must tell you

himself.

Or she must.

She? Oh, I can't tell you who it was. It wouldn't be fair on her.

Or on him.

Miss Brown, we must respect Mrs. Slocum's reluctance to reveal some vital

personal secret of Mr. Humphreys.

But she's busting her gut to tell us.

I can't find my knickers nowhere.

Will you ask Mr. Humphreys if I left them under his pillow?

It's only me.

Who's going to give me something nice for breakfast?

Look!

Mr. Moulton, how dare you put your hand on my person?

Well, I was just showing you I was here.

I'm aware of that.

Well, what are you up to then?

Well, I'm just gathering some eggs for breakfast.

Oh, I seem to be stuck in the doorway.

Grab your corsets and give me information.

Mr. Booth, for your information, I do not wear corsets.

Well, I'll grab your hips.

If I can deliver a calf, I can get you out of that.

Well, I don't see the similarity.

Ah, too much to get me fingers around.

I tell you what, I'll grab your shoulder and he... you out. Well, please be

gentle.

This is Slocum taking rather a long time. I wonder what she's doing.

I think we'll leave her for a moment.

That was a very nice take, Mr.

Slocum. It had better be.

Mr. Moulton had had to get a chain to extract me from the doorway of the hen

house.

Very fresh.

So was Mr. Moulton.

I've put a cosy on Mr. Humphrey's neck to keep it warm for him till he gets

down.

Yeah, what are we going to say to him when he gets here? Remember, I haven't

said a word.

I think we can put two and two together.

Yes, if you ask me, two and two's been together all night.

Well, the girl was accustomed to sleeping with the chef.

Simple country folk often do that just to keep warm.

Oh, just think, it's a really cold night. You could find Mr. Moulter

with you, Mrs. Sloan.

It could be sub -zero, Miss Brown.

And he wouldn't cross my portal.

Good morning, Mr. Alfred. Oh, good morning.

Did you sleep well?

As well as can be expected.

Must have been a novel experience for you.

What must?

Sleeping in the country in a strange bed. It's quite cosy.

You weren't cold, were you?

No, not in the circumstances.

There's a rumour that you weren't on your own last night.

I wonder where that came from.

Well, don't look at me.

We had a slight clue when Miss Moulton asked for her knickers back.

I wondered where they came from.

belong to the chef.

You know, I don't feel like any breakfast this morning.

I think I'll go for a manly walk.

I might pop into the village and buy a pipe and a couple of ounces of St.

Ah,

Captain Peacock, there you are.

I think we should have a council of war to decide what we're going to do about

this place.

Good idea. Where is everybody?

Well, I'll gather them together.

Miss Barnes, are you free?

I will be as soon as I've puffed this fire up.

That reminds me. I hope we're not going to have that tandoori chicken again

tonight.

Captain Peacock, how are you with bullcocks?

I'm neither one thing nor the other, Mrs. Hogan.

Because the one...

is in a state of constant flush.

Probably it's aid.

Gather round, Mrs. Slocum. We're going to have a meeting about our position.

Where's Mr. Humphreys? He's just riding in now.

Mr. Humphreys, are you free?

I'm free.

I like your walking stick. Oh, it was the knobbliest one they had in the shop.

I was going to buy a knobbly pipe, but I thought that would be going a bit too

far. I think you look very dashing. Thank you.

Come around, everybody.

Quite informally, of course, we're not in the store now.

We are all here.

Well, where's Miss Lovelock?

After all, she is a co -beneficiary under Mr Grace's will.

I saw her earlier this morning saddling up her horse.

I think we should try to get rid of her, you know. She shouldn't be included.

All those years we slaved pain into our pension, she's done nothing.

True.

Mind you, she did comfort young Mr.

Grace in his declining weeks.

You see, he could prove he was dotty and didn't know what he was doing.

Morning, all.

Has anyone seen my whip?

He knew what he was doing.

Captain Peacock. When I was in the army, I did occasionally climb into the

saddle. Yeah, you used to cycle down to the naffy to get your five woodbines.

I suppose you ex -army chaps have to put up with a lot of leg pulling. Yes,

indeed we do.

Not many of the younger generation understand what we went through, Miss

Lovelock. I love hearing about the daring and unusual.

Oh, we must have a little chat sometime.

Can we get on?

Miss Lovelock, Miss Lovelock, we are gathered together to make some decisions

about our future.

live for today, darling.

I've got a stallion waiting for me outside.

He's 16 hands and he's just had his oath.

See you later.

Oh, get her.

She's very above herself.

You must let youth have its head.

Are we all agreed that we should try to run this place as a money -making

country house hotel?

Well, I agree, provided Mr. Humphreys isn't going to smoke that pipe.

You know, I think it's getting the better of me.

I'm beginning to hallucinate.

I have a vision of a gang of Irish labourers laying a railway line.

Then you'd better give it up before the train comes.

Now, look, it's all very well trying to run this place as a hotel, but what do

we do for money?

There's nothing in the kitty.

I spoke to Mr. Thorpe, young Mr. Grace's solicitor, about that very matter this

morning. He's on his way down with an advance on our first month's payment on

the pension fund.

Less tax.

We could use that to get the sheets back from the laundry, or some food, and

make an advance to the staff.

Have you had any replies to your advertisement?

No, not as yet.

What have you advertised in, Country Life?

Well, actually, I put a card in the local newsagent's window.

And in the local paper.

Who's going to pay Mavis's wages?

Oh, she gives her services free.

I think we should give her something.

And I think we could leave that to Mr. Humphrey.

I thought you all might like a nice cup of tea.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, someone's smoking a pipe.

Oh, I do love a man who smokes a pipe.

Now, what are you all going to do about lunch?

Shall I go out and kill a couple of chickens?

We can't shoot you, Rabbit.

Oh, dear.

We were thinking of something a little less primitive.

Well, anyway, guns terrify me.

Oh, you don't want to worry about guns. All you need is someone to show you. You

come out with me in the field and I'll have you banging away in no time.

Couldn't we go down to the shops?

Well, if you want to go down to the village, Dad will fix you up with

Oh, this is it then?

This is old Dick?

Now, which of you is going to handle him? I'll leave that to you, Captain

Peacock. Now, you step up here, Rachel.

Mr. Motard, although we may have been acquainted many years ago in our youth,

the passage of time has cancelled out any familiarity we may have had. I

to be known as Mrs.

Slocum. Oh, you word.

You ain't half come on since you was known as the Diverton Bicycle.

They used to pull my leg because I had a free wheel.

Right. Mind how you go.

Oh, get that.

Wonder if I should get a bigger horse.

Would you give me a hand, Captain Peacock?

Oh.

Mr. Moulter, kindly avert your eyes.

What?

You needn't have worried. I've seen it all before.

Mr. Moulter, these flights of fancy you have regarding this imaginary

relationship are really getting on my wick.

In that case, I'll pretend it never happened. It never did happen.

Drive on, Captain Peacock.

Morning. Good morning.

I've just been over to Blackstock.

The hunters are going across our land this afternoon.

I'll make sure them chickens ain't wandering.

Will you be following the pack, Miss Lovelock? Yes, Captain Peacock. Will you

joining us? I'll certainly think about it.

Giddy up.

Giddy up.

You'll probably think about it for some time.

Might be a good idea if you took the break off.

This hot water isn't coming through very quickly.

Oh, there's no hot water.

If you want hot water, you've got to get the boiler going.

Where's the switch?

Wait. Oh, you town people are a laugh.

If everything was done by pressing the switch, we'd have nothing to do all day

now, would we?

You've got to turn the lights on the boiler and light it.

Come on with me, I'll show you.

There it is.

Get that going and it does the whole house.

Say, it's making up for the Queen Mary.

We finished logs last night. We'll have to throw a few more.

Put that big one on the horse.

Couldn't we start with something smaller? Oh, come on, I'll help you.

There's one.

Three. Heave.

Come on.

I have heaved, but nothing's happened.

Nothing I could discuss with a stranger.

Come on. Now let's see what you're made of.

That's it?

Oh, I say, it's seven brides for seven brothers.

And my dad does this.

He gets stripped down to the waist.

I hope this isn't a family tradition.

No, it's all in the rhythm.

In, out, in, out.

When I go out, you go in. And when I go in, you go out.

Have you got that?

I'm working on it.

Good.

Captain Peacock, isn't this romantic?

You and I trotting along like Jane Eyre and Heathcliff.

On your way to the butchers.

Oh, the countryside is so pretty.

Oh, look, there's a bull climbing up on the back of that cow to get a better

look over the head.

Oh, no, Captain Peacock, you handle the reins with such a plough. Thank you,

Mrs. Learfield.

Do you think on the way back you could give me a go?

I've done it before, you know, when I was a girl. The milkman often used to

me have a go.

Whoa, Dick!

What a ridiculous place to park.

Well, where's the driver?

There's no sign of him.

These country folk have no idea at all.

Oh, look, you stay there, Captain Peacock. I'll go and move it into that

Now, Mrs. Stoker, Mrs. Stoker, be careful.

Oh, don't worry, Captain Peacock.

One never forgets this sort of thing, you know. It's like riding a bicycle.

It's a three -wheeler.

I have every intention of so doing. Giddy up, old dick!

You're

quite

a goer when you get started.

That's what they used to say at the daffodil tub.

This seems like another world.

Here, what are you up to?

Young gentleman, do that.

That woman's work.

She ain't been making eyes at you, have she?

Certainly not.

If she starts any of that lark, I'll give her the strap.

Do you remember your place, me girl?

Yes, Dad.

A message come through on that telephone thing.

Mrs. Fulton's in the nick for stealing a gypsy car.

Better put another log on the fire.

They can have a nice hot bath when they get in.

Very well, Mr Thorpe. We'll expect you shortly.

Oh, you couldn't give Mrs Slocum and Captain Peacock a lift, could you?

They're at the police station.

They've had their trap impounded.

I'm sure they'll explain.

Thank you. Goodbye.

I've just been down the drive to the post box.

You've got letters.

Oh, thank you, Miss Moulton.

These will be applications for the positions we've advertised.

Mr Humphries, perhaps you'd like to... Are you feeling better, Mr Humphries?

How's your back after all that in and out we were doing?

I expect I'll get used to it.

Where were you doing this in and out?

In the woodshed.

We'll be buying that knobbly pipe next.

We were lighting a fire together.

This is for Mrs Hampton for the position of cook.

Oh, don't have her.

She's only got one arm. She rolls the pastry between her knees.

I don't fancy that.

Mind you, give her a juice. She makes great doughnuts.

This is very spidery writing. I think it's from Mrs.

Lemming. Oh, she's the one what works for the undertaker. She's a dear old

She lays them out beautiful, she does.

Perhaps she could do the same for the tables.

Babies,

you're supposed to be on the tractor.

Oh, sorry, Dad.

There's blowing to be done and not to be spread.

I'd better run along or he'll give me the strap.

I don't know what young girls is coming to these days.

Ah, Mr. Thorpe. Miss, uh... Oh, Mrs.

Slocum, you look all in.

Oh, dear.

Did you get to the shop?

They don't let you out of the cell to go shopping.

Sit here, Mrs. Slocum. I'll pop these cushions out for you.

I'll get you a nice gin and tonic. The police thought Mrs. Slocum was a vagrant

gypsy. I had to try and explain that the fact that she was travelling at 32

miles an hour in a rag and bone man's cart with her legs in the air was all an

accident.

What are the charges?

Speeding. Reckless driving and driving away a vehicle without the owner's

consent. And Mr. Bolt managed to persuade them not to press the charge of

indecent exposure.

Apparently there was just a flash as she went past the post office.

The case comes up before the local magistrates in the morning.

Oh, well, look on the bright side, should be publicity for the hotel.

It was all so ignominious.

Do you think I'll get a heavy fine?

They'll probably put you in cell blockade.

Now for some rather better news. I've drawn for you a cheque. They'll probably

cash it for you at the post office. All you have to do is show your credentials.

I think they've already seen Mrs. Slocum.

Please, Captain Peacock.

It was so humiliating.

I see a slight snag.

It's clear this cheque has to have two signatures on it. You've signed it, Mr.

Falk. Do I sign it in my managerial capacity?

No, the co -trustee for the fund is Miss Lovelock.

Miss Lovelock? Did I hear that?

We just say we have to go to her every time we want to cash a cheque.

How did she get in that position?

It appears that young Mr. Grace had the very highest regard for her abilities.

In his latter days, if anything of importance came up, He was content to

it in her hands.

What a trusting old gentleman he was.

If there is, we're all up in one.

Is the hunt over?

No, it just started.

Unfortunately, my stallion was terribly fresh. He threw me at the first gate.

Then a hunter came on top of me and I've been flat on my back in a ditch for

half an hour.

That's a normal afternoon for us.

We're all delighted that you are to be one of the people to sign our cheques

us. Oh, Mr Rumbled. Oh, yes.

Is it a bore?

Still, if you should know, I'm always here if anything important comes up.

Well, if it does, I'm sure you'll be the first to know.

Where's the cheque? Mr Rumbled, the cheque. Oh, that's funny. I can't seem

feel my fingers. It must have been the fall.

Get on the sofa.

She's got finger troubles.

Oh, well, if she doesn't get her circulation back, the shops will be shut

we'll all starve.

Lie down there. I'll see if I can get it going for you. Have you done this sort

of thing before?

Oh, many a time, yes.

I studied under a Japanese at night school. Now, look.

He's always taken on a new lease of life.

You're not kidding.

Why are you without?

He was in an outing in the woodshed.

Who was?

Mavis Moulterd. He lit her fire.

If I'm any judge of character, she bursts into flame very easily.

Now then, how's that?

That feels much better. Good.

Miss Lovelock, perhaps if I were to guide your hand, you might be able to

the check.

Just push my wrist along slowly. I'll do the up and down bit.

Oh, Jessica, what a pretty name.

Oozing charm from every pore.

Just to get her signature.

Well, crisis averted.

Oh, damn. They've got the scent and I'm missing it.

You know, I can't help feeling a bit sorry for the fox.

Oh, you didn't think that when you was wearing one round your neck?

That was before I was aware of the greenhouse effect.

I don't want to worry you, Mrs. Slocum, but your cat's only a hundred yards

ahead of the...

She's losing ground fast.

She'll be lucky to make it to the rhubarb bed.

There is the rhubarb.

Grab the bag.

She's heading this way.

Her tongue's hanging out.

Everything's hanging out.

Why do you want she don't make it? You're on.

Here she comes.

This is disgraceful. I'm going to give that hunk a piece of my...

Yes, ma 'am. I'm the whipper -in.