Original subtitles

Ah, Miss Prescott, I'll just go through the final papers in the office.

As soon as the staff return from the funeral, let me know. Will I show them

young Mr. Grace's office, Mr. Thorpe? No, this will do very well. How many

there be?

Well, at the time of the closing down sale, there were only the ladies and

gentlemen ready to wear departments left.

Ah, hateful servants.

A sad day, Miss Prescott. A sad day indeed, sir. They're here, Miss

They're coming up in the private lift.

Oh, the dratted thing, it's stuck.

I think they could have mended it properly by now.

Make the umbrella in the crack, Mr. Humphreys.

Mr.

Thorpe, Mr.

Humphreys has arrived.

After you. After you, Mrs. Hercule. Oh, thank you, Captain Peacock.

me leg up. Oh,

Captain Peacock, would you be good enough to get out and lend me a helping

Certainly.

Thank you, Mr. Alfred.

Come on, now.

We'll give you a bunk up from behind, Mr. Sir.

I'll do my best.

Thank you, Steve.

Oh, that lifts for ten years. on me. I think he's put ten years on all of us.

Oh, there's young Mr.

Grace. Yes, it's hard to believe that he's no longer with us. What a way to

scuba diving with his nurse in the Caledonia.

Yes, according to her, his equipment, although old -fashioned, was in perfect

working order.

He should have been with us had her bikini top not popped off.

Oh, but it was a lovely funeral.

Yes, I've always been very moved by the melody of I did it my way.

Personally, I think it was the closing of the store that finished him off.

Yeah. Anyway, they must have left us something, because otherwise we wouldn't

all be here.

Well, I understand that it's the pension fund they want to discuss.

And after all, we have been paying into it for a very long time.

Good afternoon, everybody.

This is Mr Thorpe. Ah, good afternoon.

We haven't met, but I represent young Mr Gracie's solicitor.

Thorpe, Thorpe and Thorpe.

I am the junior partner.

I can imagine old Mr. Thorpe doesn't get about very much.

If you all care to sit down.

Are we all here?

Where's Mr. Rumble?

Yes, he wasn't at the funeral.

He was engaged in other business concerning the Grace Brothers estate.

He sends his regrets.

And there's still Miss Lovelock to come.

Oh, yes, so there is. Miss Lovelock.

Yes, she was the personal companion to young Mr. Grace at the time of his

demise. Was she the one who... Yes.

And was it her top that... My paper added Miss Prince. Said he was

scrappetising.

Miss Lovelock.

Sorry I'm late. Had a ghastly night.

Still got a hangover.

What paper was that, Miss Brown?

The Sun.

Truth at last.

Oh, do sit down, Miss Lovelock.

I'll just perch over here.

Stockings, then suspenders.

Tendinia, seamless.

Now, if I may have your attention, we are not concerned today with the bulk of

young Mr Grace's fortune, which, as you may know, was left to his favourite

charity, the Home for Fallen Women.

I don't suppose he mentioned fallen men.

I think Mr Thorpe would like to get on with the business, if you don't mind.

I expect you're all concerned as to what happened to the pension fund.

Your use of the past tense has already sent a chill through my whole body.

There's no need to worry.

It's all been wisely invested in a multitude of enterprises, ranging from

Rangoon Gas Mantle Company to Portland Whalebone Enterprises.

Sounds a bit old -fashioned to me. In addition to that, quite a bit was

in bricks and mortar.

As a pile or in a building?

Mr. Grace, on behalf of the fund, acquired a Tudor manor house.

Oh, goody, we can flog that.

a lolly.

Unfortunately, it cannot be sold. It is in trust to the pension fund.

On the other hand, it is in itself a money -making proposition.

And the beneficiaries may use it in any manner in which they see fit.

What was that about, fisheries?

Beneficiaries. You are the beneficiaries, as you all stayed at your

the end.

Does that include Miss Lovelock? Of course.

I bet she stayed at the bedpost till the end.

It was surely that wasn't the only property that young Mr. Grace owned.

I mean, he had lots of houses.

You're absolutely right.

Several times he promised to give me one.

This was the only one included in the pension fund.

It is at the moment being run as a country house hotel.

Oh, when can we see it? Well, as soon as you wish.

It's in the village of Great Pender.

Oh, where's that?

Well, it's not very close to London.

Perhaps you care to stay the night?

Sounds a good idea to me.

Miss Prescott, get on to Millstone Manor at once and make the arrangements.

I think you all know the manager, Cuthbert Rumbo. Oh, God.

There it is, Millstone Manor. Oh, look, 50 cats.

You don't get semi -detached manor houses.

Oh, it looks quite nice.

Mr. Hubbard.

Have you got change for five pounds?

I expect so.

In case you can pay for the cab.

Mr. Humphreys, would you hold my pussy while I... It's been very quiet.

The vet gave me a tranquilizer for her.

Give it a mop it down.

Nice to see you all. Welcome to Millstone Manor. In which we understand

pension fund is firmly entrenched.

This is so good.

Here, look.

Built in 1576.

Oh, yes.

I hope the beds are aired.

Oh, well.

At least it's a bit warmer in here.

Did you notice that funny smell out there?

That has probably come from the home farm which forms part of the property.

Oh, but I love the smell of the countryside.

It brings back so many happy childhood memories.

During the war, you know, I was evacuated to a farm in Diverton, in

thought you drove an ambulance.

The war went on quite a long time.

I was evacuated with the Barley Road Mixed Infants.

The school bully swapped all our labels round.

until well after D -Day I was known as Gladys Wainwright.

I still get a funny turn every time I see a Jim Slope.

So does Captain Peacock, and he was the desert rat.

Mr Rumble, do you think we could have a porter to take our cases up to our

rooms? Well, we are a bit short of staff at the moment.

How short?

Well, I gather them all round the way I usually do.

told them I was in charge, explained how I wanted the place to be run, outlined

one or two changes I had in mind, and conveyed to them in no uncertain terms

that if they didn't toe the line, they could leave. And what happened?

They left.

Oh, that's not entirely true. We still have an assistant cook.

Oh, it's good to know, Mr. Rumble, that you've lost none of your qualities of

leadership. But how's the place going to make any money if you've got rid of

everybody?

Oh, I've advertised locally. I'm sure we'll be able to fill the vacant posts.

Excuse me, Mr. Rumble.

Might I have a word? Pay attention, everybody.

This is the gentleman who runs the home farm for a really good, loyal country

chap, Mr.

Moulterd. M -O -U -L -T -E -R -D.

Moulterd.

How's it going?

Well, it's just good to see that somebody hasn't left the staff.

Oh, no, of course not.

Mr. Moulton has been here for years.

Yeah, there have been Moulton's in this village for 200 years.

Quite a tourist attraction.

What I want to know, Mr. Rumbles, is about the hens.

Ah, so we've got hens, have we? Oh, yes, yes. They were all cooped up in a small

hen house. I thought we'd have a much better chance of selling the eggs if we

could advertise them as free range.

Well, I've done exactly as you said, Mr. Rumbles. I opened the door. to the hen

house, let them all out, and they all buggered off.

Please, Mr. Moulter, not in front of the ladies.

Who's going to help me round them up? That's what I want to know.

Oh, I'm sure we'll find some willing hands.

Well, shall we all help Mr.

Moulter to recover the hens? After all, they're ours.

Why not?

Good thing Muck never hurt nobody.

I don't like the way that goat's looking at me.

I don't suppose he likes the way you'm looking at him.

Where do the hens live?

There's a hen house over there.

Oh, look, that's detached and all.

How do we persuade the hens to return to their living quarters?

Well, we'll form a semicircle and shoo them.

Go on. Shoot.

He knows all the technical terms.

Come on. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot.

Shoot More brightly coloured and its comb stands up.

Oh, fancy.

It's all going on in nature, isn't it?

Now, listen.

If we were to catch the cockerel and put it in the hen house, would that not

attract the hens?

No.

He's been round them already once today.

Oh, look. There's another cockerel over there.

Oh, that's George.

He's not interested in them.

They ain't interested in him.

It shouldn't stand like that.

I'll get it for you.

Put your arm round me and hold your leg up.

Don't try and get down no further.

Could you get up any higher?

I know.

Hold it up backwards.

Oh, Mr.

Humphreys, would you hold my hand and steady me?

That's better.

So we see the mare.

I grab her, shove it between me legs, and she can't move.

Very effective, I'm sure.

Then I gets me hammer out, gives her a few good bangs, and I can gallop her

anywhere.

Brace yourself, Mrs. Smith.

You're a son of a soy, isn't he?

You're giving me hay fever.

What on earth was that?

That's old Betsy. Must be something the matter with her. We'd better go and see.

As you see, Captain Peacock, we're completely self -sufficient here. We

own cows.

Really? How big is the herd?

Two.

What's the matter, me old darling?

She want milking.

He speaks the language.

What did you say a curler's for?

Oh, he shoves them on the teats.

And he presses the switch and it milks them.

Mind you, old Betsy here don't like it. She likes it bound by hand.

You do get a better result with a phone.

She needs milking now.

Sorry, Betsy, I can't get down that far.

You'll have to wait till Mavis gets back from the village.

And who is Mavis?

Oh, Mr. Moulton's daughter. She helps on the farm and about the house.

Where is that dratted girl?

Oh, I can't handle it any longer. Miss Browns, hold me hat and pass me that

stool. Here.

Thank you.

Mr. Humphrey's bucket.

Mrs. Slocum, I had no idea you could do that sort of thing.

Well, if the knack you know, I was evacuated during the war.

Wait a minute.

I know you.

We was on a farm together in Timberland.

That's right, Mrs. Slocum. You was evacuated when you were a little child.

Little child?

She was a great big walloping land girl.

Well, I was a land girl later on.

You're Rachel Yiggle.

I was a young rat catcher.

Many's the time we rolled around in the hayloft when I was laying the bait.

You're quite mistaken, Morris.

Whatever your name was.

It's gone very organic at this point.

Charming you look. Oh, thank you. I always think if you dress nice, you can

-knob with anybody.

Oh, where are the other hotel guests?

Well, fortunately, we don't expect any until the weekend, which gives us a

chance to sort out the staff problem.

Has anyone replied to your advert?

I haven't yet.

Miss Ludlock?

Yes? You've met Miss Ludlock, of course.

When did she get here?

She came down late last night astride her powerful Kawasaki.

What exactly is that, may I ask?

It's a very large, terrifically fast motorbike.

Indeed. Young Mr. Grace used to love putting on his crash helmet and climbing

behind him.

What a gallant old gentleman he was.

I'm sure Miss Lovelock has many a tale to tell.

I think we're only scratching the surface.

Is she going to be alone?

Young Mr. Grace left me the horses in his will.

They're all stabled here. I live above.

Mr. Grace converted the groom's quarters for me.

Oh, yes, by the way, Miss Lovelock, has anyone applied for a position on the

start? I've no idea, darling. Why don't you check the answering machine?

She's a bit bolshy, isn't she?

Well, we haven't quite clarified her position.

No? I bet Mr. Grace clarified it.

It's stuck.

Will somebody get me out of here, please?

Press the emergency button.

I have done your job.

Captain Peacock.

Well,

how am I going to get down from here?

Take my hand, Mrs. Logan.

Oh, put it away.

Oh, Captain Peacock.

Mr. Blumble, avert your eyes, please.

Miss Brahms, would you give me some assistance?

Oh, well, pull your skirt out and slide out on your bum.

Oh, oh, how ignominious.

All clear.

You know, I just love those big old baths.

I had so much fun. much water. When I pulled the plug out, I got caught up in

the vortex.

I had to fight for me life.

Do you know, I'm dying for a drink.

Well, there is a bar.

I'm afraid the barman's left with the rest of the staff. Help yourselves.

Allow me.

What will it be, Miss Browns?

Oh, um, I'll have a gin and a tonic, please.

And I'll have the same, but not too much tonic.

I'll have a gin and it.

What is it?

Do you know, I never found out.

Could you make a pina colada?

I could try.

Are you up to a Harvey Wall banner?

I think that's more to Mr Humphrey's line of country.

Now, you've all met Miss Lovelock, of course. Yeah.

She's got the groom's quarter.

I've never seen a groom's quarter.

Well, I'm glad you're all here, because there are one or two things I want to

discuss with you.

Are you free, Captain Peacock? I shall be, in a couple of shakes.

Perhaps you'd all like to sit down.

We're not in the store now, are we? This is all quite informal.

Are you free, Mr Humphreys? I'm free.

I know these cushions haven't been puffed up for many a year.

Well, now, I've had a fax from Mr Thorpe with a final figure on the income from

the pension fund investments.

Oh, thanks. That's exciting.

Thank you, Stephen.

Thank you.

Companies, it should amount to quite a few thousand.

Yes, the final figure is 243.

Oh, 243 ,000 pounds.

Oh, that's about 40 ,000 each.

No, 243 pounds for each of us. Per week?

Per month.

Does that include Miss Loveless?

Of course.

Well, would she come to deserve it?

I don't think you can go into that, Mrs. Loveless.

The whole thing's a disgrace.

It's about 60 pounds a week each.

And after all them years of having it, um, subtracted from our wages... Miss

Bronze, we have been diddled, and I am unanimous in that.

I was going to buy my mother a new washing machine. Now she'll have to

for a pair of rubber gloves and a packet of purses.

Well, I suggest we talk it over over dinner. That is, if we're going to get

dinner. Oh, yes, yes, I've arranged for that. Are you free to bang the gong, Mr

Humphreys? Certainly, Mr Rumble.

Would you like me to start slowly and build up to a crescendo?

Or would you prefer a J. Arthur rank?

Provided they can hear you in the kitchen, I don't mind what you do.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Mr. Humphries, give it to me.

I'm absolutely starving.

Where is the kitchen?

Right the other side of the dining room.

Right.

That should do it. Fire, fire!

Fire, fire, fire!

All right, Mrs. Slocum was only banging the gong for dinner.

Oh, you mustn't touch that.

That's the fire alarm.

And why exactly have we got a large red bell over the reception desk marked

fire? Well, that don't work.

That's electric.

Because the short circuit in that will cause the last fire.

Get out of the way, Dad. I've got their dinner.

Well, when you...

Madam, don't forget the goat.

This is Mavis Moulthard, our willing pair of hands.

Oh, they're a bit muddy at the moment.

I've just been unbonging the drain in the cow shed.

What are all these little boxes?

Oh, I've just heated them up in the microwave.

Take away tandoori chicken and chips.

Do you mean I've got dressed up like this for take away tandoori?

Are you not partaking, Miss Lovelock?

Certainly not, darling.

Now, I have some caviar and smoked salmon in my fridge.

That'll be £1 .35 each.

Take it out of the till.

We haven't put anything in the till.

I'll have to have the money.

I borrowed it from Dad, and if I go on without it, he'll give me the strap.

I see.

Will he give you the strap on the hand or on the...

I think in the circumstances, perhaps we'd better divvy up. Oh, very well.

you got change for £5? No, Captain Peacock. I think so.

Well, you can pay for mine.

Now, listen, everybody. I've been thinking.

Now, this is our place, and £60 a week will go nowhere in London, but it

wouldn't be too bad if we lived here, rent -free.

That's right.

We could have free milk and free eggs. Yes, we could grow our own vegetables.

And on top of that, any profit we could make out of this hotel.

What do you think, Captain Peacock?

I vote we sleep on it.

Fat chance of that after 18 votes.

Sorry to barge in while you've got your snouts in the top.

There's been a bit of commotion at the front.

Oh, it sounds like tittles.

Do you think somebody should go to her assistance?

Oh, this sort of thing is quite normal. Animals always take a day or two to get

used to each other.

Oh, will somebody come and help me, please?

That naughty goat has got hold of my pussy and put that goat...

There you are, Tiddles.

There's your little hot water bottle.

Mummy's got a big one.

Now, you try...

and forget all about that naughty old G -O -A -T.

I'll just look under the bed to see if there's a man there.

Oh, well, better luck next time.

Who's there?

It's me, Cuthbert. Can I come in?

Mr. Brumbo, where am I in my night attire?

So am I.

What I have in mind won't take a moment.

Well, that does narrow down the possibility.

Well, you may come in.

Are you comfortable, Mrs. Flockham? This is the housekeeper's room.

Well, yes, it's quite cosy.

But why can't we have some proper hotel rooms?

When our guests come, we'll need the sheets. We don't have any more until we

the laundry bill.

You have got a wet mattress.

Has it just happened?

Perhaps Mrs. Slocum wouldn't mind you sharing until we can get it fixed.

Oh, would you, Mrs. Slocum? Well, I'm usually unaccompanied in the bedroom.

However, seeing as how we've known each other for such a long time, and it is an

emergency, I will concede.

Oh, thanks, Mrs. Slocum. I've got the own bottle.

Well, I'll see you in the morning.

Good night.

Good night, Mr. Rumbold.

To be truthful, Miss Brahms, I'm quite glad you're here. I think we're safer

together with him prowling round.

Yes. He does have a rather unfulfilled look about him, doesn't he?

Well, he's not going to get topped up by me.

Oh, I'm sorry to startle you. I was just investigating where this door led.

Well, now you know.

I'm next door in the head waiter's room.

There's no lock, so would you be good enough to knock when you come in, as I

usually do my Jane Fonda exercise routine before I die?

We didn't have it in mind to disturb you, Captain Peacock.

Yeah, you'd better bung up the keyhole in case we get tempted.

Right.

Hello,

operator.

I'm having a bit of difficulty with my mother.

No, I don't want the child helpline. No.

No, it's the phone,

you see. Well, I dialed it and it isn't working.

No, no, not my mother isn't working. It's the telephone.

Oh, would you? Yes. The number is 722 -1708.

Thank you.

And you'll call me back.

You're very kind.

My, it's nippy out there.

It's not a song, though.

I'm very glad to hear it.

Are you going to be the new chef?

I don't think so.

Oh, never mind then. Shove over.

Oh, nice pajamas.

Thank you.

There's been a lot of excitement about here today, hasn't there?

There's a lot more to come, by the look of it.

Excuse me.

Do you think I could ask you a question? Does your father know you're here?

Uh, no, he don't care where I am, long as I'm out the way.

If he knew you were here, he wouldn't give you the strap, would he?

Not as a rule.

He wouldn't give me the strap.

Look, you're not going to talk all night, are you?

I'm not even going to move.

Well, turn the light out. It's on your side.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Mother. Yes, it's me.

Fine, it's worked out quite well.

Not quite how you'd expect.

No, no, I'm all right. I'm tucked up in the chef's bed.

No, he's gone.

No, Mother, now, for goodness sake, calm down.

You've got nothing to worry about.

In fact, you may never have anything to worry about.