Original subtitles

Day 7: All the housemates are in the kitchen

Rita, what on earth are you doing?

I'm learning to play the recorder.

Why?

Well, it's the school's idea, they say that every now and then, you should swap places with your child

so each of you gets to see how the other half lives. So I'm learning how to play the recorder.

What's your daughter's doing?

Oh, she's sat at home with a bottle of gin, thinking about her failed marriage.

Rita, you're a card.

Yeah, the joker.

Oh, it' no good, it's too difficult.

Rita, I used to play the recorder at school, let me help your learn.

Thank you Brance. Okay, so...

Yes Mr Yamaguchi... No Mr Yamaguchi...

Can I just say, one more time, I'm velly velly solly

I mean, very very sorry. I'll talk to you too, I'll talk to you, good bye

Rita, just relax...

But it's so hard...

Just take it in your hand...

...and blow...

Don't suck...

Oh, that's good.

What the bloody hell is going on here

Oh, sorry Mr Stokes I don't know when I'm blowing or when I'm sucking

She's learning to play the recorder, Mr Stokes

What does it record? Hein?

What does it record?

it doesn't record anything

Why is it called a recorder for, then? I don't get it

Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?

Ah, sometimes Gobler...

Raymond... Oh my god!

What is it? Raymond...

It's only my bloody twin sister

Hello Raymond

What are you doing here?

A younger gets lonely. Maybe still but what are YOU doing here?

Mr Millman... What?

Hello there, sorry to bother you, I saw you in here, my name is Richard, I'm a manager

You 've got to help me -Why?

Would you mind signing a few of these? -What, now?

They're not moving...

Just as many as you can manage, if you sign ten, that's ten more chances of selling

I thought the public would lap this tat up for Christmas but they're more discerning than I thought

Even the Jade doll are selling better than this one

I'm up there cherry, and I'm loooving it!

Shut up! Fifty years ago they had you upside down with a fucking fork up your arse!

Cheap and ugly, isn't it? I suppose that's the problem

It is ugly

Are you having a laugh?

Are you having a laugh?

Who to thought people would eventually find that irritating?

The thing is, you got to order this things like a year in advance

Still...I won't make the same mistake again. No.

I'll make my money back next Christmas

I've ordered ten thousand Sanjaya dolls

Ah, you're laughing then, aren't you?

What would you rather do, right?

Never celebrate Christmas ever or have Christmas every day?

If it's Christmas every day, what do I have to do?

Nothing, it's Christmas, you just sit at home, whatching the TV, having the day off

What, so noone works, there no industry, no government, it's chaos

So you've rather never celebrate Christmas?

Yeah, if that was the choice

So you'll be jewish, they don't celebrate Christmas

Why would I suddenly be jewish? I don't know what you're talking about...

ready?

yes

Look, it's Greg, in a film. Oh, come on, we can't watch TV in the day

No, no wait, I want to see

No man has the right to kill his brother It is no excuse to do so in uniform

It merely adds the infamy of servitude,

to the crime of murder

I love Clive Owen

Ugf...Clive...good name for a film star

If we must have a tyrant, let him at least be a gentleman bred to the business,

and let us fall by the axe, and not by the butcher's cleaver

Greg seems good in it

It'll be a bit part

I'm joined by Clive Owen and Greg Lindley jones, the two leads in the film

He's one of the leads

in a terrible film

I thought the film was brilliant

He thought it was brilliant Oh, I can hear?

Greg, you play Shelly. And I have to say, it's one of the most exciting performances I think I've ever seen

How was it for you working with such a established star as Clive Owen?

Let me say, he is such a down to earth guy, he's just so real

We had a good time I had a great time

I know a lot of people are saying that but we really really did get along well

I can't believe you persuaded me to do these things,

they're not even selling apparently cause they're embarassing...

loads are lying around in bargain bins for ages. Cheap tat

Well yeah but they cut the prices to try and shift a few

but the good thing is that because they're so cheap to manufacture, we still get about 40p a time...

cause they're made in sweat shops.

Oh, thanks god for the exploitation of 10 years old children

Absolutly. And the funny thing is of course that your key demographic as well is in the kids

so even if they doing like a 14 hours a day, it's probably living a hell of a time

you know, pressing "You having a laugh?". They're probably enjoying themselves 'cause it's nice

I hope it doesn't distract them from their work, they would get a beating

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna hear this

Don't listen to him, they wouldn't work there if they didn't like it

I don't think they got a lot of choice, to be honest

As Henri Matisse once said: "The right happiness in oneself from a good day of work for illuminating the fog that surrounds us"

Oh yeah? What are you working on today?

I'm trying to get this dog muck out of a shoe, it's a nightmare

Next door is Great Dane, the steinch is unbelievable

I've seen him feeding eggs, oil boiled eggs, to a dog, it's mad

Really, I don't care I don't want to be associated with this sort of staff

To the general public, there is no difference between me and that doll

What? Little fat ugly thing? Pathethic? No? No, I put on...

I'll put on a wig and shot a catch phrase

I want to be associated with credible stuff

Oh, yeah, we've had offers. Part in the BBC's jewell in the crown, Dr Who

no

Hotel Babylon?

No, I don't want to do...camp, frothy nonsense

I want to do something classy

Celebrity Big Brother've been on the phone

You're not listening? It's good money... Not in a million years

Whar about films? What happen to films?

We did have a call. Have you heard about this Byron film that everyone is raving about?

Yeah Well, they making a sequel, should be classy, should be good

It's about what it's mean to be a man, it's about honor, it's about integrity

They wanted you to go into an audition Right

Obviously I said no

What do you mean you said no?

Well they were asking for someone who was either 36, handsome, dashing and I presumed they had to be taller than you.

So I thought it was safe... Always do the audition

Look at you, that's insane, I might as well send Barry

Call them back and say you have the perfect person for the part Who?

Me! No, I don't want to waste their time

Why should I have to persuade my agent to get me an audition? It should be the other way around

If I send you, they'll think I don't know what I'm doing

Oh, no one could thinks you don't know what you're doing. You're a total waste of space and shouldn't even be in the industry

Well thanks, maybe you'll be surprised

Get me the audition

Okay, that's a ten minutes break everyone, sandwiches are over here

Could you just let the actors and the crew have theirs first, please

Can you hold on?

Are you Maggie? -Yes

Andy wants to see you in his dressing room

What, now? -Yeah

Chop chop

Oh, hello mrs Millman, is Andy in?

It's a face pack, don't laugh at me now. - What is this for?

For a film For a film, it comes for a film?

Help me out, don't comment

Is that a girdle?

No, it just helps firm up the...

Flab? - Right, come on in, quick

Are you serious? Oh my god... - Yeah, come on

That's not gonna work Jesus Christ, - of course it is

I don't hear you laugh, don't hear you laugh

Now go on in. - Oh I'm going right on. - Where do your organs go?

Do they just get closer together or am I gonna cough up a kidney in the audition?

Andrew Millman You looking good

Been working out, ain't it?

I'm sorry, I must declare an interest. Actually me and Andy are very old friends, we...

we've been climbing the slippery showbiz ladder together

Some of us, got a little further than others...

Anyway, I won't be biased

So, which role are we all here for? Henri Milligan

Hang on Copy, Henri Milligan says here age 36...

Yeah, I took that as meaning he's in his late thirties

We'll change it to late thirties

Hang on, Henri Milligan says here late thirties...

Should we do one? Yeah

Do you want to stand up? Yes, easy

Ah, Henri Milligan, allow me to introduce myself

Your reputation preceed you sir, and it's one...the...

Sorry, sorry, can we stop proceeding. Something seems to have happened to Andy's midriff

Can we just rewind that and see what happened? I don't know if everyone else saw that?

Hey, it's his belly. Andy, did your diaphragm just collapsed?

Andy seems to have scuttled off...

Allo it's me, leave a message after the tone and i'll get back to you. Did that record?

I, it's me, do you fancy some lunch, at the Ivy, half 8. I can tell you all about my brilliant audition

Alright, give us a call back. Cheers, bye

Andy Millman

Alright Bunny? What are you doing?

waiting...

waiting...for what? Cock!

never too early for that, is it?

Don't you know about this area?

No, I just moved in

This area is famous for it, I'm here all the time

This is known as the waiting bench

Oh, by the way, loving the show

cheers

You having a laugh?

Keep walking, keep walking!

She'll never get anything in the daylight

Allright Bunny? Alright George

any action?

I only got 20 minutes actually, I'm on my lunch break

lunch break?

Yeah, I'm doing community service. - Are you still doing that?

Oh no, not that one, I'm doing another one I'm picking up litter now

Alright...What did you do wrong this time?

Fly tipping...believe it or not

Yeah, I was helping Anny Lenox out with an old fridge freezer

and she says: "Should I call the council?"

ans I say: "No, don't bother with that, there's a skip at the end of my street"

So, at 2h30 in the morning, we're tipping it in here and the fucking police show up

How is that you get involve then?

Well, it was Stuart Copland's the skip and he called Sting

and Sting called the fucking council cause he's a fucking do-gooder

And I am here now, picking up litter

Well, I'll better get going cause I'm gonna have to go back to work soon

Come on then you, I'll give you a quickie

I'm not that desperate Maty - Cheecky bastard

Would you do me a favor and look out for paparazzis, I'm gonna go and try over there

I'd love to -Cheers

I've had him before, you know...in his car

Wasn't that a bit cramped?

and he was swerving all over the bloody road

Look, keep an eye over these will, will you?

That old queer cannot have got to far...

hellooo

Andy Millman... What? I don't know what this bench is for

What did you say? Why are you sitting here?

Cause we live across the road and just fancy to sit down

Well, you've got a garden, ain't you, why not sit in your garden? -No bench.

- If you want to sit in the garden, fine, but you'll be sitting on the grass... - Yeah, but why you sitting on the queer bench?

Have you seen George Michael? Strange question

My editor wants a picture of someone famous acting bent and all I've got is you sitting on a queer bench, so...

- I'm not involved, so don't... - I know you're lying cos I know he's been here

- How do you know? - A joint... and a kebab

- He's in the bushes. - Thank you very much.

Thank you very much, cheers.

Hi, we haven't booked I wonder if you've got a table for two

Well, you'll have to book, I'm afraid -Can you just squeeze us in?

We won't have a starter I'm sorry, there's nothing

Or a pudding We'll be 20 minutes, in and out

I'm sorry

You don't...euh...we're the management

No, I am the manager. - No, on TV, we used to do these characters called "The Management"

The stonk. - Oh, the Stonk. Is that a restaurant?

No, it's a song we did

I'm really sorry, there's nothing available but you can book up to three months in advance

We don't know where we're gonna be in three months.- Might not be alive in three months

What would you rather do? Be on the Planet Of The Apes, you're human but you can't speak

or be the first ever monkey on Earth to speak like a human, but you're a monkey?

Do I know I'm a monkey? Yeah, You know you're a monkey

Mr Millman, hello Sorry, we haven't booked, I'm afraid No problem, I'm sure I can squeeze you in

0h, look, it's them two, what's their names again? Hale and Pace. Hale. Pace.

Like Ant and Dec? Without their money

They just throw money at performers now Should have invested more wisely

Can we not do this in public? I asked you before It was your idea to buy the racehorse

It was your idea to ride it, wasn't it? You couldn't help us get in, could you?

I don't think there is... It was nice meeting you - Cheers

Oh, look, there's... what's her name... - Jade Jagger. - That's it

What is she doing? Fashion...someone

Jade Jagger...How do you think she got her big break?

I wonder. - And what does Sadie Frost do?

She's friend with people I didn't know that was a job It's, yeah

Oh, oh, right, OK, don't look, don't look yet, right, the woman over there, an amazing face

OK? Red top, I want you to turn and look at her and I'll say her name, Ok?

Three, two, one, Elmer Fudd

That's the only woman I've ever seen with a comb-over

Hi, I'm sorry to bother you, my name's Tre Cooper, I represent Greg Lindley Jones

You went in yesterday for Byron, didn't you? -Yeah, I wasn't right for that

No, you don't think you were right for that one but there are a lot of film people out there mentioning your name and a lot of roles I think you would be right for

Yeah, I also heard you're not entirely happy with your show

It's not how I wanted it to be

Really? - No - You see, I think you should be on the top of the world

What does it get each week? Seven million viewers? - Six. - Six.

Seven million viewers watch your show every week because they respond to what you do and the reviews...

I don't listen to the reviews No-one's down the pub talking about reviews, they're talking about your sitcom

And you know what? there'll always gonna be people who don't like what you do. 0h, yeah

So what? If someone shouts "You're a wanker" you go, "Oh Yeah, look at my sports car"

If they shout, "You're still a tosser!" say, "Really, interesting, How many catchphrases have you come up with?"

None

And if they're still shouting at just you, just drive away

I would drive to the bank, laughing

Who's your agent? Darren Lamb

I'm not being funny, but I've never heard of him and I've been in this business 15 years

Where did he come from? -Bristol

No, which company did he start with? I don't think he ever worked for a company

He has, he worked part time at the carphone warehouse

Look, I don't know the guy.. - Why would you, you're in the business?

I don't want to disrespect him, but business is business

and if there's any deadwood in your organisation, you have got to get rid of it

It may seem harsh but life's cruel and noone's gonna help your career but you

I'm an extra, and I love Clive Owen, can I get a part in that Byron film?

That's alright, she's asking. Well done

Consider it done. My card

And seriously, if l can be of any help, call me, we'll sit down

Sorry for interrupting your meal It's all right

0h, catch of the day, Dover sole, it is superb Have a great lunch.

Cheers

Oh, Elmer's looking over Oh, hello, hi ya

I recommend the wabbit, I mean the rabbit

She doesn't know, does she?

How the hell did you do that?

I don't know, they get stuck, don't they? That is...

That's stuck fast, if I... that's gonna break... Well, don't break it

I'll put it up over your head, yeah Are you ready?

You just pull back, right? Ok, go!

Just pull, Darren What about my head, brainiac!

How is that... just pull back I can't help you if you don't pull back. I am pulling back

What exactly is your plan?

What are you actually intending to do now? Just you pull back

Did you learn nothing in the fame academy, all right? Power is not everything, you just need to be subtle.

Don't sing everything like it's bloody Mustang Sally

OK, Clive... You, over here, please

Quickly, quick sharp, yep, yep

OK, so Byron's just spent the night with a prostitute. All right

As he leaves in the morning, I thought he could just turn,

and then throw the money on the floor with contempt

and then say your line, "Thank you for your hospitality"

Yeah, I'm not very happy with this. I know it's a bit aggressive, but it's just a character point.

No, I mean this one been a prostitute

I wouldn't pay for that

Right... It's gotta be a better one than this

Clive, seriously, they sent me a truckload of absolute hogs and this is the very best one

Really? Yeah Jesus...

I don't want to be difficult, it's just that I would never pay for a prostitute that looked like that

No way Right...

What if she wasn't a prostitute, if she was just a slut, so it was free?

Yeah, I still could do better, though

OK, what if she is a prostitute, but you refuse to pay?

OK, so you don't throw money on the floor, you just...throw food

and you make her eat it like a dog

Well, I'm telling you. If I'd slept with that I wouldn't throw food on the floor, I'd throw it in her face

OK, what food would you throw? Cause I've got to get props on to that

It should be some kind of gruel as if I've found some oats on the stable floor,

mix it with shit and like, wet cabbage

What would be great is like when it claps into her face

it just sort of looks like a rancid cowpat. OK

No, I like that, I like that... Can we get the shit and the dung and the cabbage together

Make sure it sticks to the face... It will. OK, let's try that then, please

OK, for rehearsal then... Excuse me

I'm not happy with that

Sorry?

I'm not happy with that. I don't want the dung on my face

You get extra money, don't you worry about that. Don't care.

Not bothered, I just don't want to do it, full stop. - Right, OK, you either do it, or you go home

Ok... Ok, right

See you then

Honestly, I mean, you give these people a chance

Got to get another on OK, you, over here, please

Oh, fuck off, I'm Clive Owen That's mental!

Frankly, the BBC are taking the proverbial. Seriously, the money you're getting for the show is an insult.

I'm gonna get tough with them and we'll get this sorted for the next series

I don't think I want to do another series. I've been thinking of knocking this on the head...

With the right management behind you, there's a lot of money to be made

I don't care. I'm not proud. I want to do bigger and better

I'm not proud of having Britain's no1 catchphrase. Is there an Oscar for that? No

No, but they are thinking of introducing a British Comedy Award for it

Look, I want to hold my head up

To me, saying you've got Britain's no1 catchphrase is like saying you've got Britain's no1 wasting disease

You're not Britain's no1 catchphrase any more. I'm not?

You're not no1 anymore

Good. To be totally...Who's number one?

0h, it's..."Am I bowered?"

What am I, no2 or something? No. no2 is, "You are the weakest link, goodbye."

Then no3 is "You're having a laugh?"

In at no3, it changes depending on what survey you are doing

What survey is that?

It's a survey of 8 to 11 year olds

Well, if they want catchphrases I'll give 'em catchphrases

I don't get it.

Is he having a laugh?

I need a man!

Join the queue

Oh, bugger me!

He's out and about!

Christmas time, mistletoe and wine...

Children singing christian rhyme, with logs on the fire, gifts 'neath the tree...

Any messages mate?

Yeah, a couple. BT called What, British Telecom? Oh, yeah

What were they after? They wanted to know if you were happy with the service

Very happy as well as very pleased

That's what I told them cause I thought you were happy, but they wanted to talk to you specifically

They would do cause my name's on the bill

Yes it is, and apparently you could have free evening and weekend calls

Oh, really, that's very generous of them, very nice, yeah Do they want me to call back?

No, they said they'll call back

I don't mind calling them. I said you'd be back about two, It's ten to now so just wait for them to call

I'll wait until just after two, if they haven't called, give them a bell

yeah

It's an 0800 number, so...free It's free

Anything else, any other...

Yes, Andy new agent called

Andy's fired you and gone with a new bloke so you're no longer to have any dealings with him whatsoever

Sorry, I was thinking about free evening and weekend calls What were you saying?

Andy Millman, he's fired you

What do you mean he's fired me?

Well, you no longer Andy Millman's agent, so...

Why are you telling me this now? Why did you tell me the BT stuff first?

Because I'm doing it in chronological order

I was excited about the BT stuff, now I'm depressed

I didn't know that if I'd said, number one, Andy's fired you and number two, BT has offered you a generous new tariff,

the good news would have been soured by the bad news anyway I didn't know what to do for the best

He's fired me?

Let me ask you this...

Where do you want to be in 5 years of time?

Sat in a Hollywood mansion watching my butler polish my Oscar

It's good, thinking big, nothing wrong with that

But first things first, what I'll need you to concentrate on is... Excuse me

Yeah Richard Curtis for you

Does he wanna talk about Africa again? I think so

Tell him to donate the profits from the Vicar 0f Dibley

They'll be eating like Dawn in no time

harsh... life's cruel

Er, listen, tell him you can't get hold of me, tell him I'm snowboarding Okay

Sorry about that

Profile, you need to boost your profile

Success is all about getting your face seen Yeah

Truth is, at the moment, Andy, you're kind of...you're C-list...top of the C-list, but

I'm gonna get you on top of the A-list

I can't snap my fingers and do that overnight

You need to win an Emmy or direct something

but we can get you to the top of the B-list pretty quickly

just by making sure you're seen out and about

movie premieres, celebrity gay weddings, stuff like that...

You're single aren't you? Yeah Good

Good, so firstly what we want you to do is be seen coming out of clubs and restaurants with some newsworthy trollops

You shagged any of those tabloid beauties?

no

Not even that?

no

Isn't everyone?

Not me What've you been doing?

I know she's got a cancellation next Friday so we'll set something up for then

No, no, I'm not into that. I don't want to do it that way

Do you want to get on the B-list or not? Yes, but not the Hepatitis B list

Right, OK, no, that's not a problem, I've got some contacts at the broadsheets

right

Paula, can you get me Emily Whitford at The Guardian, please Yep

So what do you do?

I was a film extra -Oh, glamorous

It's not really, I'm not doing it anymore, it's too depressing

I'm too old to be right at the bottom of the pile being told what to do, scrabbling about in the dirt for a few quid an hour.

What do you do now?

I'm a cleaner

I scrabble around in the dirt for a few quid an hour

Ok, so...here is the place

here we go

carpets...

Spider? Yep, that won't be bothering you any more

no

You just gonna leave it there?

If you want...

No, I don't want it particularly

Fine, that'll all be professionally cleaned. Scraped off

Where is the bedroom?

No, it's all in here

What, this is it?

Tiny little kitchen over here

and...there is a lavatory

It's everything you need, you'll never have to leave this place

If the worst comes to the worst

if you were bedridden with a spinal injury or something, heaven forbid

Then it's all here, should that happen

Where do I sleep?

Look at that...That's good, isn't it?

That's like James Bond or something

From Russia with love

Live And Let Die

I can't put anything underneath that, can I?

Yeah, of course you can, coffee table or what not just move it before you go to bed

What, every single night?

A chimpanzee makes a nest every night in a tree or whatever and he doesn't complain

no

I hadn't planned to live like a chimpanzee

Well, this is the only place in your price range really, so... I know, I know

What's the area like then?

Okay, I'm gonna be honnest with you

Theres is quite a large black and asian community,

there's some chinese and it does get very Araby towards the high street

but there is nothing we can do about it

No, I mean, what it is like in term of the amenities, is there a supermarket?

Oh, yeah, yeah a supermarket...Yes, there is a lot of lovely different shops around here

It's a very cosmopolitan area for food, i mean do you like chinese food? Yes

Asian food?

Good for Halal meats

Do you like jerk chicken, just like momma used to make?

There is one of those...euh...

I bet you can probably see it from the window

Yep

There it is

Where have you been, we said 3 o'clock

Sorry, I've been looking out for flats, I'm gonna have to downsize

Tell me later. I'm about to do an interview, in a first session, the Weekend Guardian, really good publicity

sort ofthe 'man behind the silly wig' and all that Woo

When she gets here, you open the door for me 0h, no, why me?

Say you're my P.A.

Oh, no Yeah, give the illusion of life of success and everything, right?

Then when we're in there, come in and go "Oh, Andy, sorry, Ridley Scott's on the phone"

Who? Ridley Scott

Who is that then? Oscar-winning director...Gladiator, Blade Runner

Is he gonna call?

He's not really gonna call

No? You say he's on the phone

And then, she'll think I'm a...player Ohh

That's her, alright, okay...

Answer the door and just look a bit secretarial. Do something...

hello

hi would you like to come this way

Andy

Hi

Thank you, Mr Millman

Thanks for doing this My absolute pleasure, welcome to my humble abode

You don't talk like I thought you would

You've seen me in character, there's much more than silly wigs

No, I've seen you on chat shows, you didn't speak like that

No, but there is Andy Millman the writer, Andy Millman the actor, Andy Millman the charity worker...

And who was that? Slash this slash that...

That's how I thought you talked

How do you want me to talk?

Just normal like you're at home I'm at home

Just speak like that then Can we tone it down?

So, you mentioned your charity work. What charity are you involved with?

Africa

The main one that people care about, innit?

You're not going to release an awful comedy single, are you, for charity,

so you can get in the charts and boost your profile?

Not just so I can boost my profile, no

But you are releasing a comedy single?

Well, no, it's me as Ray, doing a cover of Nine To Five,

and it's a fun video, cos we've got loads of sort of celebs in it

We've got Craig Charles, Sam Fox, jade Goody's mum

god

Bunch of saddos

Well, the good ones didn't want to do it, did they? We had to use lookalikes for some of them

They will be sorry, though

when it gets number one And we'll get number one

so let's not slag it off before it's saved some Ethiopians

You in a hurry?

0h, no, no, sorry, I've got another interview to get to

I'm a little nervous actually Why, for meeting me?

No, god no. Have you seen the Byron film? Yeah

I'm interviewing Greg Lindley jones

Why are you nervous about meeting him?

He's got such a sort of brooding intensity, he's like a young Richard Burn

Young Richard Simon more like

Well, I'm not slagging him off but let's not...

Mr Millman, the phone call has just come in

Oh, who is it?

Is it Wiggly Scott?

Ridley Scott, yeah. The award winning director of Gladiator and Blade Runner

What does he want? Cheers. Sorry about this

Hey, Ridley, I can't talk now, I'm out with a journal. Say hello from me.

what?

We know each other from Cannes. Say hello from me. Emily Whitford

Emily Whitford

What's he say? Nothing

Ask him how is ankle is. He'll laugh Will he?

How's your ankle?

Is he laughing?

sort of

Let me speak to him What?

Let her speak to him Let me speak to him

Hold on, All right

Oh, what's he done? Hung up?

Why is he done that. Sorry about that, cheers

Can I ask you a few questions? What about?

I'm not very good at general knowledge

No, about working for Andy

Probably not a good idea

Also, if you are in a hurry...

Cheers for that, it was... So how long have you worked for Andy?

3 hours No, think

3 hours?

no

What is she talking about?

Just be honest, come on

3 ears

No, 3 years

Yeah, that's make more sense Certainly

And what's he like as a boss?

A wanker no...

He's a wanker? No, she didn't mean that

Listen, listen, listen to her

He plays darts, all the time

I love darts. I don't know why, I've just I've always wanted to be like Eric Bristow

Is she actually your P.A.? Is she...

Is she actually your P.A.? Who?

That's lady there, is she actually your P.A.?

Sorry, I don't know what do you mean by actually

Well, do you employ her?

Employ is a strong term Strong in what term?

In a sense that it's a bit weird to ask someone about their PA when they are being interviewed

Well, it's just a clarification, really. About the article

She said she's my PA, you've seen me get along with it, so based on that what assesment are you trying to make?

Well, I get the impression she's not your P.A.

Opposite impression that I would want, from this...

Did Ridley Scott actually phoned you earlier?

According to her, are you calling her a liar?

So he'll remember phoning you, will he? If l speak to him later

What's his memory like? You know him better than me But you spoke to him earlier on the phone, didn't you?

Yeah, couldn't hear him

But you were relaying my messages to him Yeesss

Yes, well done, and I am saying now, admitting I couldn't hear a word

Could you just answer the question - is she your PA?

No, it's a joke.

Of course she's pretending, it's a wind-up

It's just something we always do to journalists

You always do? What do you mean by always?

Do you need a P.A. in real life Andy? No

Cause I can do with the money

Should I pack then?

Yep, may as well

Bought that as a gift for Andy

Didn't want it, wasn't interested

Should have known then something was brewing. How about these?

Nothing in 'em, just put 'em up there in case the local kids run by and peer in and shout insults

Kids can be cruel

Yeah, they can

What do they say? You know what they say

Lanky four-eyed twat? Yeah

Weirdo goggle-eyed gimp? Sometimes

Frankenstein's albino gonk? I never heard that one

It's so easy to have a go at a bloke who looks like you, you're just easy pickings

Sheep shagger they said sometimes as well

I thought sheep shagger was Welsh? No, it can be Bristol as well

I thought Bristol was inbreeding

Sheep shagging, inbreeding, slavery, we're famous for loads of stuff down there

alright

Barry?

yeah

Could do with a hug, mate

Yeah

Queers Ignore him

Show me the money

So, "When the Whistle Blows", the BBC are begging for a Christmas Special... No

What do you mean no? I don't want to do it anymore

You'll be mad to say no I don't care, that's it, I want to do Hollywodd films

or TV, but cool TV, american TV

We've got cool TV over here, I've got offers

Alright, do you want to be an alien, in doctor who? No

They offered you a guest part in Hotel Babylon

What part of "cool" don't you understand?

Alright, well, we've had a movie offer

Buddy film Oh...

No, no listen, it's a comedy, starring Neil Hoarsey

as a horny deliveryman who looks exactly like the Prime Minister

Neil will be playing both parts

Get me a Hollywood film.

Andy, with all due respect, I really don't think Martin Scorsese is gonna be sitting in his London hotel room flicking through the channels

going "I've never seen this bloke before", shouting "You having a laugh?" but I think I've gota wig that will fit him.

Why would you say that to me?

Because you have choosen a very specific path

I want to get off it. If that's what it takes to get respect, then definetely I'm gonna finish it

I don't want to come up with more wacky characters, shouting catchphrases to appeal to kids and morons

I want to do something credible. I might want to direct one day

and I'm not gonna get respect like this, so I'm finishing the sitcom

That's mad, that's killing a cashcow

I'm ending the sitcom, there you go

done

Alright, yeah, you could do that

or you could think people are still watching

let's milk it

If people are stupid enough to keep on watching it, let's keep on giving it to them

They've seen it all before

They've seen everything, every sketch, slightly rewritten, every character

They've heard every cathphrase shouted a thousand times Yes...

but, have they seen an episode set in Spain?

It's great, thanks

Excuse me

Sorry to bother you

I'm an extra, but I'm an actor, really

and I know you've been in my position and

I just wonder if there is a line or a few lines you need someone to do

I'll really apreciate the opportunity

I'm not really involved with casting What's your name?

Phil

I will have a word with the floor manager, if anything comes up, I'll put a word in for you

Thank you, sorry to bother you That's all right

Why do the extras are coming to me?

sorry?

Why are the extras waving out and bothering me? Why are they not in their paddock or wherever you keep 'em?

I think they sort of look up to you were in their boat a while ago

Alright, so I'll sit down with them and reminisce about old times?

or should I go on with my job, that pays their wages and yours?

Sorry, I didn't realize

I'll tell him, not to do it again

No, he won't do it again, cause I won't be around again

Okay Yeah?

Hello there, Darren Lamb. I'm here to see Andy Millman, star of "When the wind blows"

It's "The whistle" Yes, if I could just...

Do you have a pass?

No, I'm a friend of his, I'll just go...There is no problem

I can't let anyone in without a pass

no?

We are friends but we've had a bit of a falling out

I don't want to hassle you with it, but if I could just...

I can't help you, sorry sir Okay, that's all right

Thanks a lot

What's happened?

I think we both know what's happened, don't we, really. What's happened is I've tried to jump over the barrier

and that ain't panned out as I had hoped

and so if you just let me free, I'll go home and say nothing more about it, we'll both have a lovely Christmas. That sounds like a plan don't it?

What are you doing?

Mate, I know this woman. They won't let me in.

You have not got a pass? No, I was just trying to get and see Andy

every time I've tried to phone him, he's always on voice mail

- Can she just walk me in? - Not without a pass

It's all about a pass with you, innit?

Can I get him a pass

Yeah, why not

I'm gonna get a pass from Andy

Wait there Cheers

Ooh, There you are

Andy, I've just seen Darren up there

And he says he can't get in

And why are you telling me?

Well, he says I keeps trying to call you but your phone's switched off

No, it's not. I just don't answer when I see it's him

Can we not just get him a pass and he can sit up in the back?

I don't want him in here

I know, but I told him I would get him in

Well, you lied

He says he really wants to see you

Life's cruel

So I've got to go and tell him he can't get in?

And Maggie...

You can't keep coming up to me

I can't what?

You can't keep coming up and talk to me in front of the other extras

They see you, they go "Oh, she's an extra, she's his equal, maybe we're his equal"

I'm not an extra Not, you were

And so were you

I'm a little bit busy

Andy can't get you a pass

He said he's really sorry and,

that he will love to have you in there but he just...can't

bend the rules, fire regulations or something

That makes sense. I imagine the fire regulations are quite strict at the BBC, aren't they?

Alright well, thanks for trying

It's okay

- Nice to see you again. - You too, bye.

Oh, It's good to be back

But what a perfect holiday and everything has worked out brilliantly

It certainly has, I'm getting married to the man of my dreams

I got that promotion I wanted

And ever since Gobbler fell off that donkey,

he's not been the same

Indeed not,

As Confucius once said, "They must often change, who would be constant in happiness and wisdom"

I don't get it

Brains is so much happier now that he's out of the closet

Oh, I am

In fact, last night I went on a wonderful date with a lovely man,

he took me to a sea food restaurant,

fed me my favourite meal

Fist you? No, he certainly did not

It was our first date

I didn't mean "did he fi..", I meant, are you having a laugh?

Is he having a laugh?

Now he gets it

Oh I get it

I'm getting it We're all getting it

Merry Christmas to everyone

Thank you

Thank you very much I love you Andy!

Thank you

You having a laugh?

Well, not actually

Which is why this will be the last ever episodes of "When the whistle blows"

Well, I'll never have to wear this stupid wig again

Truth be told, it's gone on for...

far too long, I think three series should be enough for everyone

I don't get it! Obviously, not enough for some people

Andy, why are you stopping the show?

Because, it's not what I wanted to do

You know, with my life...

shout a catchphrase to a load of morons for a livings

no, euh...

well, don't...

Merry Christmas

Thank you very much

Who the hell do you think you are? You've just announced to the audience you are quitting the show

without even consulting us, without even telling us It's nothing to do with you, is it?

What do you mean, it has nothing to do with us? If I want to stop, that's it

No, it's the lack of professionalism, Andy, it's the arrogance...

Oh, oh, When I first got into this, you were the great "I am" holding me to ransom

the shoe was on the other foot and now you don't like it, do you? No, I don't

Well if I want to stop, I'll stop. I want to do other stuff, alright, I want to move on

Live with it, you stay here if you want, scrambling around, chasing ratings

but I want to do something else

It's a really interesting way of looking at things, after everything that we done for you

Oh...life's cruel Yes, it can be, good luck and, eh, you've got lots of things lined up, have you?

Don't worry about me The phone won't stop ringing

Tre Cooper, please

Andy Millman

Yeah, good, right, listen to this. What's hot?

Greg Lindley jones, who charmed the nation this week on Desert Island Discs with a stream of hilarious anecdotes

that recalled the great Peter Ustinov at his best

What's not? Andy Millman. Are we having a laugh?

For about five minutes we were, but Andy Millman's Christmas special hit an all-time low

The jokes were filthier than Mrs Slocombe's pussy

with no new projects on the horizon, Millman is fast becoming as out of date as his gags

Aren't you meant to get me some decent work? I mean, I quit the show three weeks ago

Excuse me, is it okay if I go? It's nearly half past

OK, see you tomorrow. Thanks

Hi

Where have you been, you're late

Sorry

Look at this

worst table

I'm just happy to be sitting down

Oh, look, it's your friend, Vernon Kay

Vernon

Hey, Donnie Millman Andy

See you later What?

If he's forgetting my name, how the hell is he going to read an autocue?

Look at this, the Guardian stitched me up

There's a whiff of desperation about Andy Millman

Our entire interview was more bizarre than an episode of "When the whistle blows"

Every answer he gave sounded like he was reading from a press release,

full of boasts, hyperbole and the occasional bare-faced lie

He seems desperate for the headline to be "All's well in the Millman camp, next stop hollywood"

This is gonna be a fun lunch then Hein?

It's just we never seem to have a laugh any more

When you had nothing and we were both extras, we had more of a laugh

No, we didn't, I hated it, it was shit

Okay

- I was always moaning. - You're always moaning now.

You moan about the Ray dolls but they did buy you a house that overlooks Hampstead Heath

You moan about the sitcom that it gets six million viewers but it's the wrong six million

But at least it gets six million viewers

At least you've accomplished something, even if it's not exactly what you wanted

I've accomplished nothing

I have brought nothing... to the world

Look at that

Harold Pinter and his wife, having lunch with Geri Halliwell

Why am I not over there?

I don't know, do you like Geri Halliwell?

no

no... why am I not having lunch with Harold Pinter and his wife?

Well, I'm sorry you stuck at this table, then

What?

I'm not sure you should actually even come here, this place just seems to annoy you

You're always saying, he's got an acting part that you wanted or

he's got credibility and he doesn't deserve it

If you worry about things like that you're, you're never going to be happy, no matter how successful you are

You'll never be famous enough

Thank you doctor Freud,

nice conversation

What would you rather be?

A penguin that can't fly but it swims around in the water like a fish but it is a bird

or a flying fish that can fly but is essentially still just a fish...

Oh Maggie, I can't do these stupid questions anymore

Seriously, we're grown ups

Ah, Andy Millman,

you probably want to turn to page 17, a rather perceptive interview with yours truly

the one that says "Next stop Hollywood"

I've seen it, nice photo Thank you

Thank you, yes, apparently, I have a brooding intensity

Anyway, I'm going to love you and leave you

Don't let him have a pudding, we don't want him bursting out all over the place

Do you want me to sign that?

No, we're alright man, cheers

There is no one else in there

No, it's all right, leave it, yeah

Well, you'll never get it filled

All right? How's it going? Just getting lunch

What have you gone for? Yeah, "Filet au fish"

Alright, yeah

It's good and tasty

Good for you, isn't it, fish? Yeah, you're meant to have two portions a week, or?

Yeah, it's got fatty acids, which are very good for you apparently and omega

It's good

Are you alright?

Good, yeah Excellent

I'd better crack on

Darren, what you doing? It's quarter past two. Yes, all right, calm down, mate, you're not the boss of me, he's not the boss.

Alright, Andy?

Yeah You were due back 15 minutes ago

Yeah, alright, keep your hair transplant on, I'm coming in, aren't I?

See you later

See you later

You alright? Yeah, good. Good

No hard feelings, you know?

No, sure

I needed someone to further my career...

We all know, you know, he wasn't the best agent in the world, you know,

but he was loyal

yeah..

and he tries hard yeah...

Be careful mate Fame is a mask that eats...into the face

Barry, can you stop nattering, please? Dean's got a question for you

Did you tell someone the Nokia 8600 came with...

Oh, hello, mate, "Are you having a laugh?"

I thought you were lying when you used to go on about him all the time. I didn't used to go on about him all the time, I didn't mention him...

See you later yeah

Were you really his agent once?

yes

I need a new agent

why?

Because I'm working in Carphone Warehouse

I quit the show five months ago

I'm sat here like a lemon, you're not getting me anything

No, I told you a thousand times, I'm not gonna play an alien in Doctor Who

Don't do it, Schlong!

You leave me no alternative, Doctor

What's happening to us?

He's hyper-podulating

He's using his molluscian glang valves to internally vibrulate our DNA

What does that mean?

It means we'll both turn into slugs in about 30 seconds

Unless I can reach that sodium chloride

What's sodium chloride?

You probably know it as table salt

Tre Copper

Andy Millman

Okay, do you know where he is?

Andy Millman...Tell him to call me

Cheers

It's Andy Millman again

Can you get him to call me please?

I've been calling every day for two weeks, he's never there, where is he?

Snowboarding...

No, I told him. I don't want to do Hotel Babylon

No, I'll tell you what, I am going to see him today

because he's my agent and he takes 12.5% of my wages, OK?

right?

Yeah, and if he really is at lunch, where is he? Please tell me where he is.

Thank you

I think you've made a very wise and informed decision, if you don't mind my saying

Good little phone, fun ringtone as well on there, I've actually got the same one

You can see that will be enjoyable...with your friends

so, just pop your card in there if you would

enter PIN

And don't let him see your number

Libellous

Just let it phone his girlfriend

That should be it, extract

Deano, a Motorola Accessory Pack, s'il vous plait

Sure, Shauny

Thar she blows

I thank you

Enjoy

Nice lady Yeah

Hi, you alright?

How's it going, do you need a phone or something?

no

I need some work, really

any jobs going?

Not really, no, I mean,

aside from the intensive training needed,

we are a bit overstaffed as well

I think the only way there would be a vacancy is if one of these guys got an acting job

Or if one of us dies

That's more likely

Statistically, yes

So, no room at the...

...at the inn

Are you alright?

Need tissues

Don't worry

I'm sure something will turn up

It's not about the job

It's everything, really

I just wasted my life

I haven't done anything

I haven't seen anything, I haven't...been anywhere

I've never even left the country

I haven't even been abroad

I'm just living on my own...in one room...with no money

and I can't even get a job at the Carphone Warehouse

That's not true

It's true

It's true at this branch, but you know, there are other branches

particularly the ones in rougher areas

They're always desperate for staff,

because the ones they've got are always being assaulted or stabbed, sometimes in the face

sorry yeah

Hi, where are you? No, nowhere

Can you meet me at the Ivy, ASAP

I'm trying to track down my agent. Honestly, he's worst than Darren, he was useless but at least, I knew where he was

Why do you need me there? Cause it's the Ivy

I don't want to go in by myself, I would look like a complete loser

Can you meet me or not?

Em, Okay

Good, see you later Um Um

I have to go

Okay, sorry

Thanks for your help

I've had a piece of that

Have you? Yeah

He's a bit of a player, ain't he? It was one date

Alright, Barry Yeah but one date is enough though, ain't it?

You know it! Nothing happened!

You told me. You said you blocked the toilet up and she left

Yes and that was for your ears only. Thank you very much.

That's my mom...she's ill...

Mom, hello... She's gone

You alright?

I'm having a bit of a nightmare if the truth to be told

Tell me about it, I can't get a hold of this agent

I had to do Doctor Who, Hotel Babylon, just to get my profile up

Now he wants me to do Robin Hood. I can't even get him on the phone

Sounds like you had it tough Nightmare

Apart from all the TV work, you're doing alright, are you? Yeah

Yes sir Hi, we haven't booked

We're very busy today, sir

Andy Millman, I... Yes, you should have booked ahead really

It's usually all right Sorry

Andy Millman Hey

You all right? Very all right, Sir, Byron number one

UK box office, number two in the United States of America

one lucky

I'm off round Europe next week to promote the old film

What about you? Oh great, good, yeah

You got lots on? Mental, Just saying, I was...yeah

I saw you as a slug in Doctor Who, very convincing

It's a space serpent, yeah

What's our agent like though? Can't get ahold of him, has he gone AWOL?

Hiding from the tax man? I hope he hasn't, I'm having lunch with him

You're having lunch with him?

I wouldn't bother, it just goes straight to the voicemail

Tre, yeah, oh, you're here, I'm outside. I'll come straight in

Alright mate

Something's wrong with this The signal, these girders...sometimes it...

It's weird how things pan out? He's more famous than you are now

Why would you say that?

Why do you say that to me?

He's not more famous than me, not amongst my demographic. So don't talk about things you don't understand

Alright That's bollocks

Gordon?

Yep?

Hiya. You all right? Andy Millman

Yeah

You all right? ...Yeah...

Can't you have a word, can you?

I'm just leaving

No, no, you're in the industry, if you just have a word and they'll let me through

I can't You can't or won't?

Won't Oh

At least nip to the kitchen and make me a cheese sandwich. You cook!

Cock?! Haven't you had enough cheese sandwiches

fat boy You pound puppy-faced git

You catchphrase shouting, wig-wearing wannabe

You publicity hungry, failed footballing fuck

You're a has been, go home

You think you're hard don"t you cause you shout at people in kitchens. Who works in kitchens?

Ooh, women and gays, ooh and the French. Ooh you're well hard

Let's just leave it there, shall we? yeah?

I don't want to get into a fight. I've heard your girdle could explode at any minute

You fuck, I was gonna...

Come on, let's just go

No, I'm gonna wait here and wait for him to come out. If I can't go through there for five minutes?

I'm sorry

Well, can we at least have a drink at the bar?

Do you want a drink? Not really no

No, got something better to do?

no

I'm going home Where you going?

Home

Don't leave me here by myself, come on

Where is my home?

What?

Where do I live?

You moved

Yeah, where to?

You want the exact adress?

No, just the area

What am I, your postman?

No, you're my friend

Look, I'll see you Oh, come on

Oh, for fuck s...

Tre!

Excuse me

What are you doing?

What are YOU doing?

You haven't returned any of my calls

Yeah, funny enough, there's not been that much since you told the BBC to piss off

There's other channels, aren't there? You're meant to generate work for me, you're my agent

Yeah, well, I can't magic things out of thin air

They either want you or they don't

Life's cruel

And to be honest with you, I've been up to my eyeballs with my other clients... Guilty as charged.

Yeah...What about me?

Alright, listen to me Andy

I can't help you because I don't know what it is that you want

Every time you come in my office, it's something different

One day it's all about not selling out, being an artist

Next day, you just want your face in the paper

What do you want?

Do you want to be a famous movie star or do you want to be the tortured genius creating great art?

Look, do you want fame and fortune?

or do you want integrity and respect?

Both

right,

Well, there is only a few people in this world who have both those things

You...

...will never be one of them

What do you want?

Rich and famous and on the TV

right

okay then

Will you do the stuff you keep turning down?

yes

Comedy panel shows?

yes

You know you will have to make your carefully written jokes look ad-libbed?

Yes, I know how they work

Ooo

Thick club

Good, yeah, this is great

I'd much rather have a client that will do anything to get on television than someone who goes, "I don't want to do that" or "It's beneath me"

Ooh, hold on

There is one other thing I'll have to pull some strings

Pull them

Last night, the celebrity housemates arrived in the Big Brother house

Hi, hello...hiya

Hi Lisa Scott Lee. Hi, Lisa, hi Scott, hi Lee

Chico. Oh, yeah yeah. Toby. All right mate, how it going?

Welcome to the house Oh, cheers

Hello Hi, Andy..

Lionel Blair. Andy

good

he's happy...

I don't know who any of these people are

Who's that one in the dress?

That's Amy, she is in all the lad's mags

Her boyfriend was accused of rape. Hmm

Opportunity knocks

Yeah And who is that one?

Her son was murdered murdered?

What's she doing in here?

She's got a single coming out. Course she has. Well

Cheers Cheers

11.22pm: All the housemates are in the lounge

Obviously, I knew he was filming us at it

but I didn't think it was going to end up on the internet

How did it end up on the internet?

Well, someone must have stolen it.

Where from?

From the flat

You probably put it on the open window sill next to the apple pie that was cooling down, some ruffians came by, they've put it straight on the internet

I'm glad they did though because the lad mags called and said "Hey,

wa saw those, we thought they looked great in motion, do they look as good still?"

And they did. So they put them in the magazines and luckily $L%µ& was reading one of them and...

You went out with $L%µ& for a while, didn't you?

Well, I didn't really go out with him, I shagged him a few times

And I also shagged &µ%L$

&µ%L$&µ%L$&µ%L$

&µ%L$&µ%L$&µ%L$&µ%L$

&µ%L$&µ%L$&µ%L$

&µ%L$&µ%L$

Andy has come to the Diary Room

You might be sued under the Trades Descriptions Act,

for calling it Celebrity Big Brother

I didn't know some of them were

Do you know what I mean? I just think...

I just don't think this is doing me any good at all. It'll make me look bad if anything

because people won't go "oh, he's the biggest star in there", they'll go...

"well, if he's in there, he must be as..."

Day Three: Lionel is dancing again

I pulled my bloody back

There we go. Easy does it, lay back, lay back, lay back, lay back..

You alright?

Why are you doing this?

It just keeps up the profile

But you've been performing for 40 years. Aren't you bored with, just, having to be on all the time?

Yeah, I ache as well

I wake up in the morning and I ache

That's why I've done my bloody back,

I didn't stretch because

it aches to stretch

Do you know what I look forward to these days?

death

Oh, save me some wine

It numbs the pain

Day 4: Big Brother has set the housemates a task

The housemates must rank themselves in order of fame

With one being the most famous and eight being the least famous

I've worked hard to get where I've got What have you done, dropped your knickers?

OK, all right, but at least I'm on the way up This is serious guys

My fans are watching so I should be here. I've been famous for ten years, you've been famous for ten minutes

I've been in this business 50 years. Granddad's talking now

Never mind about Granddad, Come on, go on.

I had two programmes in the top five, Give Us A Clue and Name That Tune

When have you been on the TV?

Everybody who watched are in homes. Is that right?

Look, I don't care if Lionel wants to go number one... I'll swap with Lionel but I'm not swapping with her...

Well, I don't mind, I mean, all I say is my show was getting seven million every week on BBC One

Everyone shouts my catchphrases Even four-year-olds shout my catchphrase

Four-year-olds shout my catchphrase. They're five now but that's not the point... I'm sorry, mate, you're a reality winner

Hold on, hold on, hold on a second Actually, you didn't even win You didn't even win...

My son's murder was on the news at ten...

And I met Gordon Brown He paid for me to come up to London and everything.

Still, it must have been a terrible time It was an absolute tragedy

# Tragedy # When feelings gone and you can't go on it's tragedy... # # With no-one to love you, you're going nowhere... # # Tragedy... #

Andy has come to the Diary Room

I don't know why I did this

I just don't, I just don't...

What is this? This is a blip, is this a blip?

Is this a blip in my life?

Will I do something embarrassing?

Will I, what, do they... I don't know.

I don't know what's the best that can happen. I know what the worst is,

but I don't know what the best that can happen

Andy, is there anything you miss in the outside world?

loads of stuff

The housemates are talking about fame

When did you first realise you wanted to be famous?

Me? yeah

I didn't thinkl did just want to become famous

I thought I wanted something

Obviously I do, I just want to be famous why else would I put myself here with a load of other desperate people

I'm not desperate

no? no

I'm doing this to broaden my career I want to be a serious journalist

Yesterday, june, you spent 20 minutes making porridge in high heels and a thong

so?

I don't think Kate Adie started out like that

Who?

Good luck with the Pulitzer

Are you patronising me?

No, I'm not having a go. I'm really not having a go

I'm saying we must be desperate - why else would we come onto a show where you have to hand in your dignity at the door?

I haven't handed in my dignity

I'm not going to get married for a while but if I did get married, I would definitely let someone pay for it,

because a decent wedding is going to cost about 50 grand. I'd let Hello pay.

And, apparently, they pay you for every celebrity you get along

You'd come wouldn't you, you're worth a few quid. Yeah. Definitely

Andy, would you come to my Hello wedding?

To your Hello wedding? Yeah

Are you all right? No

What are we doing? Selling ourselves, selling everything

Happiest day of my life. Quick,

I'd better do the invites and bake a cake. Must have a press tent, it's a wedding

ou know, I must see pictures of myself with other people I'm in a programme with

Oh, and now I'm pregnant, maybe we should televise the birth. Get Ryan Seackrest to present it,

maybe it'll make jimmy Carr's 100 Greatest Caesareans

I'm not having a go at you, I'm sick of these celebrities

living their life out in the open all the time. .. Why would you do that?

It's like these pop stars

who choose the perfect moment to go into rehab,

they call their publicists before they call a taxi,

then they come out and do their second autobiography,

This one is called "Love me or I'll kill myself" Oh, kill yourself, then.

The papers lap it up. They follow us round and that makes people think we're important and that makes us think we're important

If they stopped doing that, people wouldn't take to the streets going, 'Ooh, quick, I need a picture of Cameron Diaz with a pimple.' They wouldn't care, they'd get on with something else

They'd get on with their lives

You open a paper, see a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting out of a car

and the headline is "Cover up Lindsay, we can see your knickers"

0f course you can see your knickers! Your photographer's lying in the road pointing his camera up her dress

to see her knickers!

You're literally the gutter press

And fuck you, the makers of this show as well,

you can't wash your hands of this,

you can't keep going "Oh, it's exploitation but it's what the public want"

No!

The Victorian freak show never went away,

now it's called Big Brother or American idol. Where in the preliminary rounds,

we wheel out the bewildered to be sniggered at by multi-millionaires

And fuck you for watching this at home

Shame on you!

And shame on me!

I'm the worst of all

Because I'm one of these people that goes,

"Oh, I'm an entertainer, it's in my blood" Yeah, it's in my blood because a real job is too hard.

I'd love to have been a doctor. Too hard, didn't want to put the work in

I'd love to be a war hero

but I'm too scared

So I go, "Oh, it's what I do"

and I have someone bollocked if my cappuccino's cold, or if they look at me the wrong way

Do you know what a friend of mine once said?

They said I'll never be happy because I'll never be famous enough

and they were right

And if you are watching this, I am so sorry You're my best friend, you're my only friend

and you never did anything wrong

it was everything else. I will never do that again, I will never treat you like that again

And it's eating me up You asked me a stupid question once

and I could have answered it and I didn't because I was... I'll answer it now

I'll be the penguin

because I could eat the flying fish

I know what you're thinking,

why doesn't the fish fly away?

Well, it can't really fly, it sort of glide and flap. They should be called glidey flappy fish

I'm so sorry

I've been waiting to hear that, mate...

I don't think he means... He's a good guy, he's a good guy, yeah

yeah

I'm gonna go now Cheers everyone

Andy? Yeah

Andy, that was...that was amazing.

Cheers I'm gonna come with you

Okay

Just give me five minutes, there's paparazzi out there, I'll put on a bikini

Andy?

Andy!

Seriously mate, you're a fucking genuis

Where did that come from?

I don't know Have you seen the mob out there? It's gone mad

The phone's been going mental, I've had calls from the papers,

all the chat shows. We can charge a fortune for this

Wzll done mate

Elton john, he's been on, wants you to be seen at one of his 60th birthday parties

He's 61 now, isn't he?

Well, he's got a lot of parties to get through, he's still on the 60th ones

Oh, Posh and Becks are being photographed on a private beach "against their will"

and they wondered if you wanted to be there

Waou Hey?

When you go through there, don't say too much cause we wanna be able to sell your story. Just say a few words, straight in the car

I've got you a hotel suite, let's get down there

and assess our options but seriously, mate, the world is your oyster

OK You ready?

Yeah

Let me say a few words, then I will bring you out. Yeah

Hello. OK, sorry for keeping you waiting

Hello. OK, sorry for keeping you waiting

there will be a chance for that at a later stage but those of you who want to get your cheque books open

All right so, ladies and gentleman... Andy Millman

Oh, he's a deaf bugger

Andy Millman!

Hi

Hello

You all right?

Yeah

I saw you on the TV

Did you?

Okay

Good

Where are we going?

Somewhere where noone cares who I am

Back to the Ivy then?

Seriously, somewhere where noone knows me

Hollywood?

The hits keep coming

What do you want me to tell them? They've been sitting for three fucking hours!

Just say "Oh, sorry, we lost him?!" Move, fucking find him

Seriously, where do you want to go?

We can go anywhere? Yeah

Alright then

Where do the flying fish live?

in the sea

Let's go there then

Two first class tickets to the sea...

Subtitles by Majin Ju (Helped by Evarin's transcript)