Original subtitles

Second floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food going up.

First floor telephones, gents, ready -made suits, jumps, socks, pie hats,

underwear and shoes going up.

Second floor carpet, travel goods and bedding, materials, soft furnishing,

restaurant and tea going up.

Mrs. Slocum, ladies intimate apparel.

Oh, certainly.

Captain Peacock, Mr. Rumbled wishes to be informed immediately Mr.

Spooner gets here.

Mrs.

Slocum, we do not shout across the department in front of customers, or

at any time.

Yes, but how am I...

to communicate with you if you're standing there with your nose in the

Discreetly, by raising your hand.

Yes, but what if you don't see?

Then you will wait until I do.

At Grace Brothers, we do not converse like traders at Billingsgate Fish

Captain Peacock, how much longer do I have to wait for you to answer the

I was about to take the phone, sir.

What is it?

I did inform Captain Peacock that you wished to speak to him, but he chose to

have a chat with me about Billingsgate Fish Market.

I was merely pointing out to Mrs. Slocum that this is not Billingsgate Fish

Market. I'm sure Mrs. Slocum is very well aware of that.

The whole department is getting very slack.

Now, where is Mr. Humphreys? He's in the gentleman's fitting room.

The gentleman's counter should not be left unattended at any time. Get him

Mr. Humphreys, are you free?

I'm free.

Ah, I see you have a customer. No, sir. As a matter of fact, I was just

repricing my stock. I put the shirts up 95 pence and gloves and ties up 50. And

if it's all right with you, I'd like to drop my trousers and display my wife up.

That should attract attention.

Never mind that now, Mr. Humphreys. I want everyone to gather round.

Now... As we all know, Mr Spooner has been late almost every day.

He's over half an hour late this morning, and I'm tempted to terminate

employment. Now, does anyone think I'm being too harsh?

Well, personally, considering how rude he's been to me in the past, it would be

a relief to have him replaced.

Oh, but we were late Saturday night on account of our annual concert, and he

have a sore throat.

He's had all Sunday to rest, that's no excuse.

Mr Humphreys, how well has he come along?

Well, he does try, and he was very good in the concert.

That cannot be taken into account.

Captain Peacock, what is your assessment?

He does not respond well to discipline, and his hair is too long.

Well, hands out those who think Spooner should go.

Yes, well, two senior persons overrides one junior and one senior person, so I

fear Spooner must go.

Oh, please, couldn't you just relegate him temporarily, and then he might mend

his way?

You can't get much lower than the men's department.

I mean, it's good. We're going to be hard put to find another.

Well, Miss Brahms may have a point.

I could see if there's a low post that's vacant.

He could stoke the boilers.

It'll be easy. The gas fire.

Sorry, I'm late. I slept through my alarm call. When I got here, there was

one girl on the lifts. The other one's got the flu.

Anyway, I gave up waiting and had to use the stairs.

Mr. Rumble.

May I have your permission to suggest a suitable position for Mr. Spooner?

Please do.

Mr. Spooner, how would you like a new job?

Oh, any chance of advancement?

Well, you start at the bottom and get to the top almost right away.

I'll take it.

Mr.

Spooner, do not sit at our table.

Well, I always sit with you lot.

You don't mean we shouldn't talk to him no more?

He'll lower the whole tune of the table if he sits there.

It's still our Mr Spooner. He's just wearing different clothes.

It's all right, Miss Trumpery's.

I know when I'm not wanted.

I'll sit over here.

Here. We can lift people up this end of my canteen. You can go two tables back.

But it's me, Bert Spooner.

If I have to complain about you... You could be eaten outside the back door by

lunchtime. So off it!

I'm going to have my coffee in the lift.

Well, he's lucky to have a job at all.

I must say, Mr Humphreys is doing remarkably well without him.

It's not easy doing twice the work with one pair of hands.

Morning all. Here, what a reception the firm's act got on Saturday.

It was voted the best entertainment by a mile.

Even got a mention in the local paper.

Oh, where?

Just underneath the greyhound results.

Did it mention any names?

Listen to this.

The London Department Store's annual concert held at the Victoria Hall was

attended by the staff from the main London stores.

But the art standing act, which even exceeded the versatility of the Lady

Charmer from the Pet Department of Arrods, was the remarkable performance

Beespooner of Grace Brothers with a song called Chanson d 'amour.

His voice, not unlike the young Tess O 'Connor, filled the audience.

He was ably backed by the voices of Miss Brahms and Mrs. Slocum in ladies'

underwear. And he established the umpties of the men's, while his senior

manager, Mr. Rumbold, gave a spirited performance on the accordion. Mr.

Beespooner's talent should not go unnoticed.

Let's hope an impresario spots him and gives him the break he deserves.

Oh, fancy that. Let's have a sing. He said he was good. Good.

He didn't mention me.

I played the piano and sang as well, and he didn't mention me.

That's because the piano was out of sight behind a curtain.

But I kept leaning back so that the audience could see me.

Yeah, but if they couldn't see the piano, they probably thought you was a

stagehand.

Top hat and tails.

So was I.

And they didn't mention me either, and yet I introduced you all. Only after

removing four ferrets from your trousers, covered by the flags of all

No one asked you to do all that chat.

You kept us waiting ten minutes.

That was because of the fact there was actually five ferrets.

But one of them kept eluding me.

I advised him to get the flags out.

Keep that paper up. And there's another one. I've got a lot more.

Oh, how exciting.

Fancy us being mentioned.

Well, we'd never have done it without Mr Spooner. I think we ought to ask him

for lunch. I agree.

The mention in the local paper does not alter the fact that he's been demoted.

He's no longer a member of our department.

And nobody would have noticed him if it hadn't been for us backing him up with

all that dancing and singing.

Not forgetting my piano playing and singing.

Where are Mr Spooner? Back on the lift.

Ah, well, this does place us in rather a difficult position.

I've just had a call from a record company, and apparently they're

signing Spooner up. So, of course, we'll reinstate him. This could be very good

publicity for our department.

How did they get to know about him? Well, it seems that one of the record

company's talent spotters was at the concert. Did they ask about us?

Not as far as I've heard.

But we was the backing group.

I suppose they didn't consider that important, though I thought we were

good. Well, the backing group is very important. I think we should be given a

chance as well.

Well, I suppose that would be up to Mr Spooner, though, as we're all his

friends, I'm sure he'll be pleased to suggest us.

I presume this is the article Mr Harmon mentioned.

I wonder if Mr Spooner would like a cup of coffee in his lift.

You forgot the sugar!

Isn't it amazing how anxious people are to get into show business?

Are you going to eat that chocolate biscuit?

No.

You must take care of your throat, Mr Spooner. We don't want to lose that

voice. This spray you gave me certainly makes it feel better.

Oh, it's so nice to have you back.

Oh, and he got nice hair.

I just want you to know it wasn't me who said you should go on the lift.

In fact, Mr Humphreys and me, we spoke up for you.

We were the only ones.

Mr Rumble threatened to dismiss you, but...

I persuaded him against it.

Yeah, and got me demoted to lift.

It was only as a temporary measure than it was for your own good. I think he's

ever so brave of you to have come at all with that sore throat.

It started just before the concert.

It certainly didn't affect your voice.

I think it improved it. Made it sort of deeper.

Excuse me.

Do you know, I had a sore throat once. I was in the hall on the phone to a

friend of mine, and my voice was so deep, my mother heard it through the

letterbox when she was getting her key out.

She ran straight next door and dialed 999.

For an ambulance?

No, the police. She thought there was a man in the house.

They do sign me up. Imagine me being a pop star.

That means you could have any girl you wanted.

Would that include you, Miss Brahms?

It could.

If they do sign you up, you'll put a good word in for us, won't you?

So, that's why you're all being so nice to me.

Well, I know I speak my mind on occasion, but I'm really very fond of

got a very big place for you here.

Got room for the old department there.

Oh, I do like a boy with a sense of humour.

Man's well.

Mr Spooner, it's for you.

Yes? This is Mr. Spooner.

4 .30 this afternoon?

I'm afraid I'll be at work.

Hang on.

It's the record company. They want to know if I can make a demo record this

afternoon before they decide whether to sign me up or not.

Well, I'm sure I could persuade Mr. Rumbo to let you leave a little earlier

usual, although it would be better if they could make it this evening.

Hello? Well, it's a bit difficult. Couldn't we do it this evening?

Oh, it'll probably take all evening as well.

Like what?

My backing group as well.

Well, yes, they're here, but I don't think they'll be available. They're all

work too.

Give me that.

Hello, this is Mrs Slocum, the lead singer in the back.

Well, no, my voice sounds quite different when I mingle with the others.

Now, listen, I'm sure we can be available.

No, don't get another group.

Hang on, we'll give you a sample. Here, you sing something and we'll harmonise.

Right, how's this?

I've got rhythm, I've got music, I've got my girl who could ask for

anything more.

Doo -doo.

How was that?

They love me.

What about us?

What about them?

You got the job.

I'm afraid I can't possibly let you all go off early this afternoon.

Mr. Spooner, yes, one meeting won't affect the department.

Yes, but, I mean, half an hour's not going to make all that much difference.

If we're good, they could sign us all up.

They mentioned you on the accordion in the paper.

I hardly think my performance, good though it was, would merit a career in

music. Nor do I think the backing singing is going to influence the record

company in signing up our Mr. Spooner. Think of the publicity for the store,

whole

aren't in the news.

Now, that is a good point.

Miss Belfridge, get Mr. Grace on the line. I'll just clear it with him first.

Yes, sir.

We'll give him a quick rendering to remind him of our performance last

I've got Mr. Grace on the line.

Hello, Mr. Grace.

Rambole here, sir.

No, this will only take a minute.

I've got something here I want you to listen to.

Are we all ready?

What shall we do?

Well, we've just done I've Got Rhythm to show them how good we are. No, no, I

think we should do Chanson d 'amour. I mean, that's the one they like. Right,

let's do that, then.

Are you still there, sir?

After four.

outbreak of distemper and the testify.

It's the staff on the fourth floor.

I see.

Keep them in quarantine until the store closes at five o 'clock.

You've just ruined my career.

They only wanted to see me, and now they don't want anybody.

Wait a minute. All may not be lost.

How? Well, they only want a demo to show how good we are.

How good I am?

With us behind you. Oh, yes. Now, why don't we make a demo here after we

Yes, we could use the recording equipment in the music department.

good idea.

Well, it won't be as good as a studio.

Grace Brothers has the finest home recording equipment available.

Don't forget to order a big piano.

My throat's starting to feel worse, you know. Open wide.

Where's the piano?

Listen, where's my accordion?

You can't have a piano and accordion in a demo.

You've got to have a proper orchestra.

How about this tremophone record with the music on?

What are we supposed to do? Well, you just sing along with the backing. Now,

come along, Mrs. Slocum, Miss Brown.

Chop, chop. Now, come on.

Where have you... not one piece of music. I was supposed to know it. But I

couldn't see that, even if I had my glasses on.

Where do I stand?

You stand in front of this lot and do it in there.

Right. But I can't hear the music from back here.

Well, we're not moving.

Well, I have to know where to come in with my doodars.

You can have a look at mine.

I can't see it unless it's closer.

It's just right for my vision.

I don't seem to have my sheet music. Captain Peacock will let you borrow his.

No, I won't.

I can't do this from memory. We're supposed to be backing Mr Spooner.

have to look over our shoulders.

Thank you.

If you're going to put your head there, where am I going to stick mine?

You can come and stand behind us. But I'm front -backing, you're back

Just a minute, I think I can solve both your problems.

There, now, I've just appeared, sir.

All I can see is two big semiquavers.

He needs some music, Mrs.

Slocum. Now, you'll have to move back because we've got to have room for our

song and dance.

Now, when you sing, your voices will blend with this record, which in turn

be recorded on this seven and a half inch reel -to -reel home recording

It gives a perfect reproduction from which I will make cassettes for you all.

Thank you.

Chanson d 'amour sung by Mr. Spooner, backed by Mr. Humphreys, Mrs. Slocum,

Miss Brahms, with doodars by Captain Peter and Mr. Welby. Take one.

minutes, I'll be Mr. Spooner's making a demo.

Oh, oh, is that Edson, Mr. Spooner, what was so good at the con?

Actually, I said, now listen to this, I said.

And I played her our cassette.

I didn't know you had a player.

Oh, yes, yes. It was given to me by that nice man I met in the pub. You know,

the one I told you about.

Oh. You don't mean you let him... No.

I wouldn't let him through the door.

He only has to ring the bell and my tiddler's hair stands on end.

Oh, no, she hates the sight of him.

Anyway, Mrs... Miss Axleby wouldn't believe it was us singing.

She thought it was some famous group.

She's sure it'll be a hit.

Well, I played mine as soon as I got home to a friend of mine.

What did he think?

Well, he's neither one way or the other.

He likes classical music.

It's twenty past nine and still no sign of Mr Spooner. Oh, well, that could be

good. He said he was going to take the tape straight to the record company

thing. Well, I must say that...

My wife was most impressed when I played the cassette to her on a big high -five

with the two speakers.

As a matter of fact, she said it made her feel quite romantic, which is

for her.

And what did you do?

Well, she was so keen on it that after our cocoa, I took out my little portable

and put it on the bedside table.

And I suppose you both eventually got off?

Almost immediately.

Turned out I had a flat battery.

They signed me up. They loved it. They gave me a contract. They wanted to make

me a star.

I knew Max Viagraves couldn't last forever.

Did they mention us?

Yeah, what did they say?

They said it was a great sound.

And listen to this.

They're going to announce it to the press. That'll be in all the evening

And they've even fixed up for us to be on the Around London programme tonight

six o 'clock.

A parlour full of neighbours.

What about your voice? Don't you think you ought to rest it? No, it'll last

as long as I keep giving it a spray.

Are you sure they want us?

Oh, yes. They want us to look just like we did when I was spotted on the show.

That's the angle they want to use.

Well, congratulations.

Oh. I suppose this will be your last day at Grace Brothers.

Oh, yes.

But if you lot come over well on the telly, it could be your last day, too.

Oh, I think Mrs. Slocum and I are a bit past the age when we could make our

debut in the pop world.

Ella Fitzgerald is twice as old as I am.

Somebody's got to step into her shoes.

Your fate would fit.

Cheeky.

Right, thank you.

I've arranged with the costume people. They say you can hire the same outfits

you had for the concert.

Oh, jolly good. I'll have them collected then. I think you're ever so brave

going on telly, especially live.

Oh, well, my position, I'm used to dealing with people.

watching you, just waiting for the slightest mistake.

Well, we've agreed to do it now.

Where are my aspirins?

They're in the empty box of tranquilizers.

Enter.

Excuse me, sir. The press are here. They want some pictures for the paper.

With your permission, I said they could have some of Mr. Spooner with his

superior, namely yourself and his fellow workers.

That's if they let me take them. That way, you won't get no pictures, whereas

they're not in the best of taste.

Have the press agreed?

Yes, they've all bought an exclusive.

The camera and the staff are outside.

Shall I fetch them in for a photo call?

Yes, let's get it over with.

Right,

you lot, in you are.

I'll get the camera.

Now, this won't take a moment. Just a couple of pictures for the press, with

perhaps me shaking spoon with hand.

Spooner's hand.

Well, I'm shaking it, saying goodbye and good luck.

I think we ought to have a group photograph of us all with Mr Spooner in

middle. Good idea.

What was that?

Good idea.

Do take care of that voice. I've only got a couple of squirts left.

It's well enough, too.

Blimey! This rate is a British museum!

This is Mr Grace's permanent personal portrait camera, and it's used on his

to photograph the world.

As good as today it was me.

10 .66.

Simon, stand outside the door. Don't let no one in. I've only got one plate

left. Right, Beverly.

Right. Now, you'll have to hold your pose a bit longer to allow this plate to

develop. And try not to blink when the flash goes off.

Now, get in a line.

The back of it.

And I smile while I look at you from this end here.

Oh, this is spreading much longer.

If you hurry up, please. I'm running out of sincerity.

Nearly there.

Nearly there.

Hold it.

Mr. Offit, I should be obliged if you switch your motor off.

I've just come down from Mr. Grady's office.

Apparently, he'd given Mr.

Armand the wrong powder.

This is the one for the flash.

What's he got in there, then?

Gunpowder for the distress cannon on his yacht.

I'd better tell him.

Not a whisper.

Hang on a minute.

Disney! Flaming! Hang off my head!

Thank God.

The golden voice is still intact.

Ah, you can watch them from here, Mr Harmon. Oh, thank you, sir.

Do you think Mr Spooner's voice is going to be all right?

Well, if it isn't, I've got the song on tape in here. They could always mime to

it. Ah, that's a relief.

Susan, you'd better take this tape to Sam and ask him to stand by with it,

in case.

Right, cut camera on.

We start here in the sound things with that fairy tale story we promised you

about the unknown shop assistant that's suddenly been plucked for stardom. Now

just imagine, you do a turn at your staff concert, wherever it is you work,

then suddenly you get first a phone call, and then a fat contract from a

recording company.

Well, it's happened. The song that did it is Chanson d 'Amour. More to the

point, the man that did it is called Bert Spooner, a name to conjure with.

he works at Grace Brothers.

He was backed in his endeavors by members of his own department, and

seems to have brought half the shop along with him to the studio tonight.

That's fine. Bert Spooner. Chanson d 'amour.

Who's next?

Show.

Boy, she's gone. Quick, put our tape on.

Sam, quick, put that tape on.

your career.

It's just not my...

So...

Chow Chow Chow Chow