Original subtitles

Round floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods, suites and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food going off.

First floor, telephones, gents, ready -made food, jumps, socks, pie hats,

underwear and shoes going off.

Second floor, carpet, travel goods and bedding.

Serial, soft furnishings, restaurant. He's going down.

Morning, Mr Harmon.

Oh, morning. Why aren't you using the vacuum cleaner?

The dustpan and brush is quieter, sir. I don't want to wait. I don't want to

wait young Mr Spooner before his alarm calls.

Mr. Spooner, why, where is he? Sleeping behind the counter.

Due to the firm's intransigence about paying travel money, despite the

fares, Mr. Spooner has taken the kipping behind the counter from time to time to

save money.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Rumbold.

Mr. Spooner, staff are not supposed to stay in the store overnight, quite apart

from which we open in nearly ten minutes.

Well, on my wages, I can't afford to go home and get here again.

But don't worry.

I'll allow three minutes for my breakfast, three minutes for my

two minutes to get dressed.

Then I'm all yours.

Hello.

Seems odd that other members of staff don't have the same problem.

Don't you believe it?

I was pulling a lot of weight behind me.

Not to mention the lot she'd been pushing in front of her.

Yes, I was, but I get nervous when I can't see where we're going. So tomorrow

I'm going to ride on the front.

It's my bike. You'll go where you're told.

Mrs. Slocum, I hope you're insured. This looks most unsafe to me.

Well, it's the cheapest transport I could find.

And with these high fares, I have to economise.

That's why I had no idea things were as bad as that.

Well, they are.

Mr. Harmon, I wonder, when you have a moment, could you have a look at my

I think it's a bit low.

Yes, I can see that.

And I can raise a saddle on your bike, too, if you like.

Don't spanky words with him. Why not? She's bandied everything else.

Would you like my pump up your proboscis?

Are you trying to put the wind up me?

Mr. Harmon, be about your business.

Oh, pop. Park it in the fitting room, Miss Brown.

Yes, Mrs. Slocum.

I hope I'm not late.

No, Mr. Humphreys, and I take it that you too have been avoiding expense by

using public transport? Oh, no.

No, I use them all the time. I hang on to the backs of buses as much as I can.

As a matter of fact, I got two speeding tickets in a week.

That sounds most dangerous.

Don't you believe it?

You know, only the other day, yesterday it was, one of my wheels came off right

where there was a double yellow line. Well, I was just bending down to tighten

my nuts when a policeman came up to me and put a sticker on my helmet and tried

to clamp me.

I had no idea things were as bad as this.

Oh, I must talk to Mr. Grace very firmly about this travel allowance.

Ah, good morning, Captain Peacock. Morning, Miss Belfridge.

I see you had no difficulty in getting here this morning.

No, sir.

My wife happens to be away, so I stayed with an old army friend who happens to

have a flat round the corner.

Oh, good morning, Miss Belfridge. Oh, good morning, Captain Peacock.

Isn't that Miss Belfridge's umbrella?

I distinctly remember finding her staff discount shirt for it. Is it?

My goodness me, sir, it is.

I must have picked it up last night by mistake.

And I somehow seem to have yours, Stephen.

What luck.

You've never mentioned having an old army friend with a flat round the

I just happened to bump into him the other day and he gave me the key. It

a bit of money on fares.

Well, that was a bit of luck.

Wasn't it?

Well, it's only for a short while, and it is very tiny.

Oh, but it's got a lovely view.

I very seldom involve myself in the private lives of my staff, but is there

anything about you and Miss Belfridge that I should know?

I can safely say there is absolutely nothing that you should know.

Oh, I see. The store will be open soon.

Mr. Humphreys, Mr.

Spooner, Mrs. Sloker, Miss Brahms, please attend to your attire.

I'm going to see Mr. Grace right away.

I shall deny everything.

I'm going to see him about the travel allowance. The staff are under great

duress. As I was saying, I shall deny myself everything in the way of

unnecessary luxuries to ensure that I get here on time.

Well, I'm not going to deny myself anything to get here. I can hardly

puncture outfit for the bike.

Unless we get a travel allowance, I shall have to look for a position near a

home. It's disgusting the way they treat us.

Well, I don't know how they expect us to get here at all. You know, my mother,

who is not a young woman, has had to take up babysitting to supplement her

income. No.

Mind you, she takes them with her to bingo.

And it's not easy, you know, getting legs 11 and the wind up at the same

They won't complain. They won't do nothing.

Why don't we write to Mr. Grace, tell him what's going on?

Oh, he'd only file it under T for troublemaker.

No, I vote we go and see him ourselves.

Yes, and then he'll be too busy.

What we need to do is to go to an industrial tribunal.

What are you doing?

I'm going to phone Mr. Grace and tell him how desperate we are.

Hello. Mr. Grace, please.

No, no, it's very personal.

Oh, hello, Mr. Grace.

I'm speaking on behalf of Miss Brahms, Mrs. Slocum and myself.

And young Mr. Spooner.

Yes, now listen, we're very hard up. And if we don't get a travel allowance,

then we won't be coming to work at all.

What, who?

Who's speaking?

It's Mr. Humphreys.

Yes, that one.

No, I'm not bent on making trouble.

I'm not bent on anything.

No, no, I'm not a troublemaker. I'm merely trying to put my case on the

I can do what with it?

Hello?

Hello?

He's hung up.

Did he suggest you take your case to a tribunal?

No, Debenhams. He's given me the sack for being a troublemaker.

He can't sack you.

Well, he has.

What's my mother going to say?

I've never been asked to give up a position before.

Hardly ever.

I can hardly believe this is our last morning coffee together.

It's coffee.

I thought it was tea.

No, the tea's the one with the froth on it.

I hear on the grapevine you've got the push.

I'd like to say, Mr Humphreys, on behalf of the kitchen staff, we're very sorry

to see you go. And I've a fairy cake for you on the house.

And would you sign this menu as a memento?

I couldn't be more touched.

And would you pay this outstanding bill before you go?

Right, I couldn't be more touched.

I've got good news.

Mr Grace has, on reflection, reconsidered his decision to sack Mr

What a relief.

And Mr. Grace has come up with a very interesting offer to solve the problem

the travel allowance.

How much?

Well, it's not actually a cash offer.

As you know, Mr. Grace has three private apartments on the top floor. As these

have not been used for quite some years, he has decided to offer them at a

minimal rent for use by members of the staff, say, two or three nights a week,

thereby saving money.

But if there are... There are only three rooms, and there are five of us in the

department. Whom is going to share with who?

Well, you, Mrs. Slocum, could perhaps share with Miss Brahms. Mr.

Spooner could share with Mr.

Humphreys. And Captain Peacock could... Hello there, Mrs. Slocum.

Captain Peacock could share with... could perhaps stay there by himself. Or

might perhaps avail myself of the offer.

Myself. When can we have a view?

Well, we could go and look at them now, of course. Mr Harmon is giving them a

quick spring clean, but you'll get the general idea.

Be a relief not to go home.

Can't stand those children.

Has your mother produced again?

No, she stopped doing that when she had me. We're babysitting.

Come on, let's go and look at the room.

Yes, come on.

I couldn't help overhearing. Can I come and look as well?

Why not?

I don't think that's what she had in mind.

Yes, well, now, this is actually Mr.

Grace's personal room, but the two on either side are more or less identical.

So, what do you think?

It has all the charm of Lenin's tomb.

I suppose we could make it look quite cosy.

There is an added attraction of a small balcony.

what leads directly to the fire escape.

There is a shared kitchen off through that door and a loo, what is shared with

the rooms adjacent.

Right, where's the bedroom?

You're in it.

This bookcase is false.

You simply press Lady Chatterley and hey, presto.

I bet this place can tell some tales.

Yeah, Mr Grace used to do a lot of reading up here.

Well, let's see how comfy the bed is.

I suppose Mr. Grace used to ring for his secretary when he wanted her to take

something down in Harry.

He shouldn't have

done that.

Well, get him back.

Yes.

Where's he gone?

Well, Mr. Grace often used to get taken short during the night.

So he designed a bed that would transport him to the WC as quick as

Apparently the mechanism is still in working order.

Next time I go to bed, I'll wear me crotchet and knee pads.

Yes, well, I'm sure this can all be made very cosy. Yeah, but it all smells of

mothballs.

Oh, well, a good scrub will soon get rid of that. My only problem is,

pussy feel at home in a strange place?

No, I don't think we can allow cats.

We'll see about that.

Well, Captain Peacock, I don't mind sharing one of these with you.

Help me with petrol and parking on the odd day.

I don't mind being on my own, sir.

Well, I can share the cost of gas and electricity.

There's far more to travel than just the cost, you know. There's the wear and

tear on the nerves.

Just to be able to pop up here and put one's feet up, well, it could regenerate

one. It could even regenerate two.

Well, now then, let's see. Who's keen on the idea?

Me and Miss Brahms will have one.

Well, I don't mind sharing with Mr Spooner or Miss Belfridge. I'm easy

way.

Well, I'm not easy either way.

I'd rather share with Miss Belfridge.

No, I don't need a room.

I do think it's exciting.

We're all going to be neighbours.

And you know, the nice thing is we all get on so well together.

This is true.

Yeah, well, there is just one point. As this apartment was Mr. Grace's, it is

larger than the other two rooms and the only one with a balcony.

So you'll have to decide who's going to have it.

We will.

I think as I'm senior middle management, it might be more suitable if I had it.

Bearing in mind that Mr. Rumboat, who is full senior management, will perhaps

from time to time be sharing it with me, giving me due notice, of course. It's a

good point, Big Orton. Well, far be it from me to put my forepeneth in, but I

think really I should have it. As I was the one that brought it to a head and

nearly got the sack, it should be offered to me for my efforts on our

I asked first.

She did.

And ladies should be given first choice.

Yeah, well, there's one thing I did omit.

Although this is a larger apartment, it is directly above the vent of the Indian

restaurant at the back.

And curry and chips can pervade from time to time.

Well, that settles it. Peacock and I will have one of the other two.

How bad is the curry?

Well, let me put it this way. When you order the paint, I'll pop in half a

hairisoles of hairwick.

Have a nice spray.

Is the coast clear?

Yes. Right, pass me that sauce, sir.

Call you an off -copper, you know, if they find out you've smuggled your cat

here this morning. Well, as this is our first night away from home in our flat,

I want to be sure that I don't go without my little tiddles.

Oh, yes.

All she does is eat and sleep.

Good afternoon, madam. May I help you and the young gentleman?

Very naughty, Cedric.

You must forgive him. It's his birthday.

Many have a return, little boy.

Certainly.

Mrs. Slocum, are you free for a hat?

Oh, yes, Captain Peacock.

Do come this way, madam.

We do have other hats as well as the ones you see on display.

Oh, what a dear little boy.

It's his birthday.

What a pity. I can't give him some.

There are many to choose from. How very difficult.

Well, perhaps I could hold your bag for you while you browse.

Thank you. Oh, I see you've already purchased something.

Oh, it's a little clockwork mouth.

Cedric's been dying for one.

You can play with it while Mummy chooses a hat.

Ah, now that's one of our more expensive ones, but it's very chic.

Do you like Mummy in this hat?

you go and play while Mummy makes up her mind on her own.

Go and play with your mouse, dear.

Um, may I see that one, please?

I don't think I like any of these.

Come along, Frederick.

Where's my mouse?

It was so hot that it just popped under there to take its little clothes off.

There you are.

Have a nice birthday.

That's my mouse.

Oh, don't be silly, Frederick.

Mr. Herman, you are not allowed on the floor at this hour of the afternoon.

I've just come to tell you I've got that particular wallpaper, what you chose,

and I've persuaded the radio department to lend you the stereophonic equipment.

Oh, well, that is very good news. And how's the decorating going? Oh, Seymour

and Percival nearly finished.

I've got one or two curtain swatches to show Mr. Humphreys, with your

permission. Very well, but be quick. Thank you, sir.

Now, Mr. Humphreys, are you free to swatch?

I'm free.

Shall I put you down for the floral, then? Well, I prefer it to the other

Those stripes are very coronation street.

Those spots make me feel liverish. Well, they're not curtains with flowers on

them, especially dandelions.

They're not dandelions. They're sunflowers. A bit small for sunflowers.

because the material is pre -shrunk.

I've already got a plain carpet. I'm trying to brighten it up with the

I prefer a patterned carpet. Don't show to do it so much.

There won't be any dirt.

We take our shoes off and put our bedroom slippers on when we come into

room. Oh, I don't walk round in my slippers. I wear my socks.

Not in my flat, you do.

I don't get to choose anything.

Yes, if you wish, you can choose whether you pay half the gas, electricity, new

dustpan and brush, cup and saucer, bath towel or skateboard home.

I'll put those things on order.

It'll be like living with my mother.

Well, I prefer the stripes. They're more to my taste. Yes, but it's not your

taste, is it? It's my taste.

I've got to live with it.

Well, you can live with it on your own.

Cancel his half.

Will there be any alimony or is it an amicable divorce?

You start.

I've got a very short fuse.

That's the rumour that's going round packing.

Oh, shut.

You know, those flowers look quite real.

Not to me, they don't. They just look like horrible plastic.

Well, if you half close your eyes, they look real.

Well, that's the curtains done.

I'm still not sure about those spots.

I like them.

Well, we'll just have to see if I can live with them. Would you like a cup of

tea? Oh, I'm dying for one.

Well, when you make it, make one for me as well.

feet up.

Oh, while you're in the kitchen, will you put a pan of water on the gas? I

to boil a couple of codsheads for Tiddles.

It's her usual diet.

Do you mean to tell me I've got to sit here every night with the smell of

boiling codsheads?

Oh, you'll get used to it. Only two sugars in me tea.

Yes, me lady.

Mrs. Slukeham's residence.

Oh, yes, we would.

He says if he shows us this, can he come and look at ours?

All right.

We're not quite straight yet, but I'm just making some tea.

Why don't you pop round for a cup?

Right, bye -bye, then.

Oh, isn't it nice having him next door?

Have you got enough room on that sofa?

Oh, yes, it's ever so comfy.

Where am I going to sit?

Oh, there are some beanbags in the corner.

These are the twins. She's got the triplets. She's taken them to bingo.

Oh, kettle, Miss Brown.

Oh, and while you're in there, light the gas under the cod's head.

We'll have a nice cup of tea. Would you like a bean bag?

I prefer tetleys.

No, no, no, no. I mean to sit on. I believe they're very comfy.

Come and see mine.

Are they going to make that noise all night?

I hope not.

Come and sit next to me, Mr.

Humphreys, and give me a baby.

I only came in for a cup of tea.

how to put it to sleep.

Yes, did your mother ever sing this to you?

Sweetest little fellow everybody knows.

Yes, and I'm still trying to find out who told them.

But he's just been to the loo.

I'd better go and change him. I won't be a minute.

Could you please keep that noise down? These walls are very thin and it's most

distracting.

People should not be allowed to have babies up here.

I'm afraid that's my fault.

Eh? Well, me mother...

She's babysitting. I'm just going to burp this one.

Don't tell me you've got your cat up here as well.

Well, she's very well behaved.

It's just that she knows she's going to get some boiled cobs' heads.

And it's made her excited.

Well, go and shut your door.

That dreadful noise!

We're not having that row next door.

Well, if I had to put up with a... Oh, they're a boiled concert. You're not in

much of a position to complain about a little light music.

Sweet as a little pearl Everybody knows Babies should not be allowed.

Only those who've been allocated living quarters should be here.

You're getting warm, Stephen.

Oh, yes? Well, what's she doing here, then?

Miss Belbridge is just waiting for the rush hour traffic to subside.

Oh!

No, thank you.

What a good thing you like babies, Miss Belfridge.

Here.

There we are. Now you can sit on the bed and cuddle it.

I couldn't find a nappy, so I used a tea towel.

I think it's still got vim on it.

Give it to me.

Hello, Miss Belfridge.

I'm not cut out for this sort of thing.

Oh, haven't you got a way with babies?

I think this one wants a new nappy. Oh, no.

Well, you see, he's run out of clean nappies. So what can we use?

I know. Captain Peacock's got a clean napkin wrapped around a champagne

Oh, good. I'll use that.

It'll keep his little bum cool.

Oh, dear.

Who's this? It's like Piccadilly Circus.

Ah, I just popped in to see how everything was going.

I must say, it all looks very cosy. Ah, I'm glad to see that you're entertaining

Miss Belfish.

I'm rather relieved about that.

Well, I must be off. I'm late already.

Excuse me, Mr. Rumbold. I've just made an express journey up on the goods lift

to let Captain Peacock know that his wife's on the way up.

Apparently her bridge evening was cancelled.

It's a very good thing for him that Miss Belfish is in here.

Mrs. Peacock is a very jealous woman and he does sail rather near the wind.

I don't know what you... mean?

Would you say that Mrs. Grumbold was a jealous woman?

I've never given her cause. Why do you ask? Because she's on her way up in a

lift with Mrs. Peacock.

Oh, good heavens. I don't want her to meet Miss Belfridge. I always described

her as rather plain.

Right, look, get on the bed.

Don't argue. Just go on to the bed. Go on.

Sit up on the bed, Ed. Hold your breath.

This is your only chance.

Stephen, and where's Cuthbert?

What are you doing here?

What happened to your bridge evening?

Cancelled. And what are you doing with that baby?

I'm babysitting with Mr Humphreys.

Alone? Naturally. I just came in to select a book.

And here's a very appropriate one for you, Stephen. Lady Chatterley.

Let's look out.

What a surprise. I didn't know you were up here.

Cuthbert, what does this mean?

And who is that person?

Perhaps we can find a more suitable time for introductions.

The back of one!

Sorry, darling, to think that I doubted you.

I forgive you.

Typical. Only he could be left old in the baby and come up smelling of roses.

That's not roses. That's burning cockheads.

And you put up with all this hardship to save money?

Save money? I did it to save everything.