Original subtitles

Second floor, perfumery, stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food, going up.

First floor, telephones, gents, ready -made suits, gents, socks, pie hats,

underwear and shoes, going up.

Second floor, carpet, travel goods and bedding, materials, soft furnishing,

restaurant and tea, going up.

doesn't come to this meeting soon. I'm going home.

What's this meeting about anyway?

Well, all he said was that it would be to our advantage. But I have my doubts.

But where's Mr. Humphreys? Has he gone home?

He's still getting changed.

He's taking a long time to put on a hat and coat.

I bet he's nipped off down the back stairs.

Have you ever known me nip off and miss a meeting?

It would be a little bit more discreet if you did that outside the building.

Don't be ridiculous. The wind would blow me wigger.

You're not going home like that, are you? No, I'm meeting my mother at the

cinema.

What, just like that?

Well, she's a part -time usherette at a cinema near here, you see, and she can't

make every night, so I stand in for her every now and again.

Can't tell the difference in the dark.

What do you have to do?

Well, I wave my big torch about and show them to the sea.

Then I sit on the back row and I flush it every now and again.

Stop them flipping up when they go out.

Remarkable explanation indeed.

If you don't believe me, why don't you come and have a look at something from

outer space at 7 .30?

I'm already looking at it.

I forgot to tell Tiddles that I was going to be late.

She'll be ever so upset.

I'd better go and phone her.

You don't mean to tell me you can communicate with that cat of yours?

Well, why not? I do it with monkeys.

I show them things like pictures of vegetables and numbers and the monkeys

at them and make up a sentence.

How do you know that?

I watch nature programmes on the telly. I've learned quite a lot.

Oh, and when do you take your exam to go in the zoo?

Look, would you all mind being quiet? I must concentrate because I haven't got

my glasses on.

Do you seriously believe that that cat of yours can understand what you say?

Yes, you see, I've trained her to knock the receiver off the cradle and put her

head near it after it's rung about five times.

She's answered.

Hello, pet.

It's your mistress speaking.

Now, listen, I'm going to be later than I thought, so why don't you go and lie

down on that nice big comfy bed and wait for me? And when I come, I'll pick a...

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Akbar.

I must have misdialed.

It's your neighbour, Mrs.

Sleuton.

What do you mean you'll leave your key under the mat?

Look, I'm trying to get my pussy on the phone.

Mr. Akbar, I don't wish to discuss that with you.

Look, all I want to do is redial, so will you please hang up?

Come along, Mrs. Slocum. I'm ready for the meeting and we haven't much time.

Yes, but I've dialed again.

I'll just make it brief.

It's ringing.

Three, four, five, six, seven.

Oh, drat, she's not answering.

Mrs. Slocum, leave the phone off the hook and come here. I don't want to be

interrupted by any calls.

Oh, oh, very well.

She must have gone to be a good girl in the garden.

If we'd known you were going to be so long, Mr Rumble, we could have popped

for a sandwich.

Not dressed like that, I trust.

I'm meeting my mother at the cinema.

I don't even want to know.

Now, I asked Miss Belfridge to go and get some food and charge it to the

department. Ah, here she comes now. Bring it over here, Miss Belfridge.

Oh, I'm sorry I was so long, but I didn't know what everyone wanted.

I think the pub knows by now that chick's tail ham sandwiches are the

order. Oh, I don't like going in that pub. The men in there all pinch my

That's disgraceful. Now, is that in the public bar or the saloon? The saloon.

I shall make a note of that.

So will I.

This smells like smoked salmon.

It is smoked salmon. I got them at the hotel on the corner.

The hotel?

And there's seven Irish coffees.

But the firm's paying for this.

I know. They're sending the bill to you.

Here's a copy of it.

Twenty pounds?

Mr.

Grace won't sanction that. Quick, easy job before he sends them back.

That's the last time I send you out, Miss Belfridge.

Well, in that case, we'd better make the most of it. Have you got any lemon

there?

This is the most civilised meeting we've ever had.

It's cost more than the last half dozen.

Shall I go home?

No, no, just sit down and take notes.

Pencil and pad ready?

Yes, sir.

Now, the first one should count.

Due to a clerical error, I find we are 20 pounds adrift in this month's

Investigation is underway, and I will advise accordingly.

Copy to Mr. Grace, et cetera, signed C. Rumbold.

One learns something every day.

What happens when it's not put back?

I think that the fruits of this discussion will provide more than enough

to make £20 seem a very unsubstantial sum.

How so?

Could you take that wig off?

I find it hard to concentrate.

A lot of people have said that.

Now, Mr Grace has decided to allow us to use this valuable floor space at night

for whatever money -making programme we would like, in return for which he will

take 10 % of the profits.

What had you in mind?

Well, that's why we're here, to see what ideas we've got.

Which means you don't have any.

Well, actually, I thought a choral evening.

We could all sing old favourites, like all things bright and beautiful, serve

tea and cakes, charge an entrance fee and stay apart.

I think it could be a very civilised evening.

Not to mention a disaster.

People want a change from sex and violence.

How about a roll of disco?

Oh, no, no, no, that could damage the floor.

Bowls. I beg your pardon?

Bowls, you know, with skills.

Bowls, to play bowls.

No, no, no, no. We want something much less violent than that. Something we can

all participate in and something for which we could charge money.

Without being arrested.

What about a snack bar?

Judging by these sandwiches, there's certainly money and food, but one needs

offer them that little bit extra.

We could have music playing in the background to give it atmosphere.

Oh, yes, we could charge more for that.

I could play a little background on the piano.

Like a nightclub, with the sort of name that suggests that it's upmarket and

discreet. Exactly.

The sort of name that's apropos to good food and attractive female staff.

That always brings them in.

I've got it.

What about a crumpet club?

Don't make a suggestion, Spooner, unless you're sure it's a good one.

Now, let's stick to the food.

What sort of dishes could we have?

Well, my mother makes a very good steak and kidney pudding.

In that case, what about a pudding club?

Ignore him.

We mustn't mislead people by calling it a club. Anyhow, we don't know if we've

actually got a drinks license.

It's just soft drinks. You know, tea, coffee, cocoa.

Tea and cocoa.

Oh, that sounds very sophisticated.

Yes, but how are we going to get them to come in in the first place?

Well, we could advertise at the local cinema.

Oh, we couldn't possibly afford that.

Oh, it'll be very cheap. The manager's a very good friend of mine. Me and his

army mothers are part -time usherette there, and I help out from time to time.

Well, that would, of course, make a great deal of difference. It's as good

done.

Well, I'll put all my suggestions in front of Mr. Gray's first thing in the

morning. I'm sure he'll like them.

I must just phone the manager, tell him I'm going to be a bit late.

Mrs. Slocum?

Yes, what is it?

I can hear heavy breathing.

Oh, me?

You know, that last time I rang Tiddles, I bet she answered the phone and she's

been hanging on all this time.

Now there's a faithful animal for you. Here, give it to me.

Oh, my little pet, I'm ever so sorry. But I'll make it up to you as soon as I

get home.

So why don't you open your little flap and play with your ball?

talking to Mrs Axelby last night and she can't wait to get into the club.

I thought this club was going to be for sophisticated people.

Mrs Axelby can be very sophisticated when she puts it on.

I thought you said she was the one that was banned from the pub for standing on

her head and singing on a clear day you can see forever.

Where have you been? Coffee's nearly over.

I've been down to the photography department.

Send me a ballpoint.

What for?

Well, this coffee melts the lead in my pencil.

you doing in photographics? Well, my friend, the cinema manager, says we can

have a free advert.

So it occurred to me, why don't we make our own?

Because it costs money.

Aha, well, I've just been down to the photography department and I've borrowed

home movie camera.

I thought we could make our own film commercial, you see. It gives people a

better idea of what's going on in the club.

I think I've got it all in my head now. We could start off with Captain Peacock

playing the piano, and then I could introduce everybody to the club.

Which, by the way, we've still got to find a name for.

I thought Club Rendezvous. Oh, I like that.

Oh, yes, but there's a Café Rendezvous on the North Circular.

And, well, a lot of rough truck drivers go there.

Is that the one just before the roundabout on the bend?

And people might get the two confused.

I doubt it.

We could show customers handing their coats to the cloakroom attendant, you

know, just to establish the atmosphere.

You could be that.

In a cloakroom attendant, I've seen some of them and they're all dead common.

No, I wouldn't be right for it.

More coffee, you lot, before I scrub out the percolator?

Oh, perfect casting.

How would you like a nice job in the evenings in a rather smart,

restaurant that we're going to open on the fourth floor? Oh, I had a room about

that, so it's all on then. Oh, yes, we're discussing the cinema commercial

Well, I like the sound of that.

Rather upmarket, you know.

Don't worry, I can put the old dog on when I want to.

Good evening, sir.

Modern. May I take your order?

I think you'll find the food well up to cordon bleu and above.

Have a nice nosh.

Well, actually, we were thinking of you as the receptionist that takes the

coats. What? I wouldn't even consider such a menial position.

Remember, I am the manageress here.

When a receptionist takes a hat or a coat, the customer has to give a tip to

it back.

The receptionist can just sit there and take twice as much as anybody else on a

good night.

You never told me that when you offered me the job.

Look, I'm your superior.

I have first crack.

Too late. I've accepted.

We're only discussing it. Nothing's been decided yet. You just wait until you're

booked. Yes, quite right.

Where I come from in Peckham, a verbal agreement is good enough.

And if you change your mind, remember, I've got a boyfriend built like a brick

chicken house. He'll change it for you.

Savvy?

I think we've got a receptionist.

That's right.

On second thoughts, I don't think it's the sort of club that Mrs Axelby would

want to belong to.

There you are. Now, let's try it one more time.

Good evening. May I have your hat and coat?

No, no, no. Not your hat and coat. Your hat and coat.

Well, then you ask them for their hat and coat and glove.

Well,

why do I put them when I've got them?

You obviously can't handle dialogue. Look, just get changed and stand at the

back somewhere.

Now, where's Mr Harmer and Seymour with that equipment?

Just coming up on the goods lift.

Why are you dressed like that, sir?

Well, you said that me and Seymour and the lift girls could be customers.

I've already got a stock.

Well, get rid of those top hats and change those jackets.

You're supposed to look normal.

Well, you don't look normal.

I am Pierre from Paris, and surprisingly it may seem this is the way it dresses.

You're supposed to be ordinary businessmen. Right. Oh, by the way, this

camera. It comes with sound in a separate box here. Press the switch and

microphone's on.

Is this all right?

Well, very much over the top.

But not quite as much over the top as Miss Velfridge.

Well, I thought it would set the tone for the sort of people we're hoping to

attract. Well, sit down at the tables here. We haven't got all the staff

together yet. Now, where's Miss Browns and Mrs Snowcomb?

Listen, do you think these earrings are too big?

I think everything's too big.

I thought you said you were going to wear something simple. Well, I was, but

tried everything, and this was the only thing that really fitted me.

real bottle where we're not sure of the license.

Ah, well, we're going to shoot the commercial twice, you see. If we get the

license, we'll use the one with the bottle, and if we do get the license,

use the one with the cocoa.

Oh, well, we might as well have a drink of this.

Oh, we were going to use that pop sound for the film.

Haven't you got special effects for that? We're not 20th century tops, you

This stuff goes straight to my head.

Well, there's plenty of room for it.

Mr. Humphreys, I've brought a selection with me, but I thought something like

this might be suitable.

Night and day, you are the one.

Only you will be the moon and under the sun. Those are the wrong chords for

that.

They're the chords I always play. I quite like it.

And so did I.

No, no, these are much better chords.

Uh, a detox, all right?

Shh, I'm just checking the music.

Look, if you think you're so much better, then perhaps you'd better play.

very well.

A cigarette, but well, the cigarette is right.

On your mind to be a romantic placer.

Mr. Rambo! Or the ghost of Euclid. Mr. Rambo!

Captain Peacock. dressed for the piano.

My attire is perfectly suitable, if anything more so.

Well, let me put it another way.

You're not good enough.

What do you mean? I've got perfect pitch. So has Wembley Stadium, but

playing there.

Well, I shall find it very difficult to enjoy my dinner listening to those

chords. All you've got to do is pretend to enjoy your dinner. Now, come on, sit

back at your table.

I must think to myself now whether singing's a good idea or not.

Look, why don't I sing a bit with him, you know, and... In between times.

I didn't know you could sing.

Oh!

Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets.

And little man, little Lola wants you.

Mrs. Slocum, I don't think Lola's what they want.

Yes, but if I did a bit of that, then I could ask the Mr. Robin a good time.

Yes, well, if you did a bit of that, they wouldn't be, would they?

Now, where's Miss Brown?

I've been trying different looks. I think that looks very nice.

I think it's a bit old -fashioned.

What do you think, Mr Rumbold?

Well, it's a very country tea room.

Yeah. Well, anyway, here's the alternative.

Darn it, that's more like it. What do you think, Seymour?

Seymour likes it.

Miss Brahms, put that skirt back. That's not the image we're looking for.

Never mind.

Just go back and stand over there and try not to multiply.

I'm going to have to edit all these bits.

Now, where's the door to the club from this play?

Over by the good thing. We'll get it. Come on.

Got to get this intimate atmosphere going.

Night and day, you're the one.

Not yet.

Miss Burford, this bottle's empty. What's happened to all the champagne?

It's all in a red on the table.

Why don't you prop her up a bit?

That's nice.

My aunt is very proud of it. Of course, they won't have discounted if I eat

here. Yes, well, I'd like to think about that.

Where's the doorman?

Welcome to the club rendezvous. It's all out in the air.

Not yet, not yet. I haven't got the camera sorted out.

Now, where's the trolley with all the dishes on it? Oh, coming up. See more?

Right. Now, pay attention, everybody, please. Now, you know the sort of thing

want. Just keep it nice and relaxed.

When do I say my lines?

Well, hopefully at the same time as when we rehearse them.

Right, now, Mr Harmon and his party standing by.

Right. Good, right.

Now, it's running.

OK.

Action. Night and day... Not yet!

Wait till Mr. Harmon gets to the door and opens it.

Right.

Miss Brahms, what are you doing there?

Well, my safety pin broke and I just didn't have time to get ready.

Oh, get rid of that thing. We can't use it.

Here we go then. What about my bit? How can I

welcome people to the club if I've got no door?

You can't. Now come here and take charge of this camera and try and get

everybody in.

Now, how's Miss Bell's fridge?

Well, I think it's warmed up a bit.

my bit now. Here, the chef.

Mr. Harmon, you and your party, you're sat here.

Oh, yes.

Now, Mr. Spooner, make sure that camera's running. Captain Peacock, stand

the soft pedal.

Action.

Good evening.

I am Pierre from Paris. Welcome to the club rendezvous.

May I introduce our charming hostess for the evening?

Betty.

Bonsoir. And helping her is the lovely Shirley.

what you want.

Although what we have to offer is limited, I'm sure you will enjoy it.

Now, sir, what would you like for starter?

What have you got?

Well, to start with, meat patty avocado.

That's a nice -looking pair.

Can I have a feel?

Help yourself.

My word, that will do nicely.

Vivo without dressing.

Without, if you please.

And now, Betty, our charming hostess will show you her speciality.

Get it.

Show the gentleman what you've got under there.

Voila!

Blimey, what a whopper. That bird's big enough for the whole table.

I had it plucked and stuffed the minute it came from Norfolk.

Turkey's come from Norfolk, not chicken.

Cut!

I'm talking to myself over there.

I'm going to have to edit all this.

Now, look, I'll tell you what. Just let's do the bit that we agreed.

You're not forgetting to mention that I'm on the piano, are you? Don't worry,

you'll get a mention.

What am I actually supposed to be doing during this scene?

You're supposed to be having a sophisticated conversation with your

Mr.

Spooner, get that microphone and tie it onto the end of a pole or something and

dangle it over me. I think some of these words are going missing.

Right, now then, don't forget to switch the motor on as soon as I wave my hand.

We'll take it from Norfolk.

Would the gentleman prefer the leg or the breast?

I'd like a bit of both, but my friend prefers to pass his notes.

I shall be performing night and day on the piano.

By the way, my name is Stephen Peacock.

Of course.

And where is all this happening?

It is at Grace Brothers in the High Street, on the fourth floor, from 7 .30

midnight.

Stop this table. You haven't done us yet. No, I haven't got time for that.

whole thing's only going to last 30 seconds.

Do we get to eat this chicken now? I'm starved. Yes, yes, come on. Pull up your

chairs.

Did your mother cook this, Humphrey?

I got it from the hotel around the corner.

Ah, that's very generous.

I've sent the bill to you.

I hope this works.

I don't think I could account for another 20 quid going astray.

Now, who's for the parson's nose?

We haven't missed our commercial.

The cinema wasn't easy to find.

I tried to see what was showing, but someone's put stickers all over the

posters. Well, I expect they get a lot of vandals round here.

All right, I've got their tickets.

Quick. Oh, is he? What's showing?

Do you know, last week it was Mrs. Miniver. I cried so much, all my mascara

around. What is it this week?

I don't know, it's something in French.

Anyway, the big picture's nearly finished and the manager said he's going

our commercial on first.

Come on, follow me.

I'm looking forward to it.

You mean it hasn't been on yet?

No, they've had a bit of trouble with their equipment. They lost the picture,

but it's all right now.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you.

They haven't got costumes.

Mrs. Slocum, how would you and Miss Browns like to pop out for some sweets?

be quite a time before this finishes.

I don't want any sweets.

This is the sort of cinema we should advertise in. Of course it is. They show

everything in.

You didn't say that again.

Next week it's Bambi.

The next film will continue after the commercial.

That's the manager.

I'm on now.

Where's the picture?

Where's the picture?

Do you know a technical fault? We have no picture, but we are trying to rectify

this.

I realize now that a glee club singing all things bright and beautiful would

have been by far the best.

Good evening, and welcome to the club de rendezvous.

I'm Pierre from Paris, and this is Betty, our glamorous hostess for the

Bonsoir.

And helping her is the lovely Shirley.

Hello. I'll take everything down when you decide what you want.

What we have to offer is worth it. We're sure you will enjoy it. No, sir. What

would you like to start with?

What have you got?

Well, for starters, meet Patty Avocado.

Patty Avocado?

South American trumpet?

Yes. Sounds the kind of club we'd like.

That's a nice -looking pair. Can I have a few? Oh, sir.

My word, that'll do nicely.

With or without dressing?

Move out, if you please. Naughty boy.

Now, Betty, our hostess will like to show you her speciality.

Please show the gentleman what you've got under there.

Would the gentleman like

the leg or the breast?

I'd like a bit of both, but my friend preferred the parson's nose.

Here. Where is this place?

I've got to go.

Me too. I'd like to know what else goes on there.

I shall be performing night and day on the piano.

Oh, my God.

Where is all this happening?

Make a note of this address.