Original subtitles

Second floor, perfumery, stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food, going up.

First floor, telephones, gents, ready -made suits, shirts, socks, pie hats,

underwear and shoes, going up.

Second floor, carpets, parcel books and bedding, cereals, soft furnishings,

restaurant and cheese, going up.

Fair job.

Do it here if you like.

You should be so lucky.

Beverly here.

I'm in the ladies and gents department.

Can you hear me, Seymour?

Come in. Roger.

Mr. Harmon, what are you up to with that thing? I'm testing Grace Brothers' new

security system installed at great cost.

Behind the curtain, what used to be the fitting room, lies the main apparatus.

It is the ultimate result of the 20th century highly sophisticated

computer armour.

I've never seen this before.

No, we put it up over the weekend. We call it Big Brother.

The press of a button, and hey presto, you can look for shoplifters at any part

of the store.

Allow me to give you a demonstration.

Oh, look at that polish.

He's going to polish his desk.

So that's how he got that longer -lasting shine.

What else can you get?

Almost anywhere.

Even packing.

I can't see anything.

No, well, you see, the lads like a bit of privacy while they're playing cards.

Excuse me. Are you receiving me, Seymour?

Roger. Well, move that box. I want to see you.

I'll have 50p on that end and put the kettle on. You've got it.

Honestly, it's an invasion of privacy.

Let's have a press.

Smoking on the floor? I'll have a word with her about that.

Blimey, Captain Peacock, have you been travelling half -air on the buses?

In view of the extremely hot weather, have you?

I think it would be most unwise of you to place too much strain on your brain

trying to make witty remarks at my expense.

Sorry, sir.

And put my duty trousers in the fitting room. Yes, sir.

I expect he's had them lifted.

I have not had them lifted.

It's all that bending down at the bowling club keeps them young, I expect.

Mr. Harmon, this floor should have been finished by 8 .30. I'm checking the new

TV security screen.

Why they installed that instead of better air conditioning, I shall never

I know, it's like an opening here. I mean, look at my face.

My foundation cream's beginning to crack.

Yes, and if you were the bock of flats, you'd be condemned by now.

The harm and that will do.

I'll switch those fans on at nine o 'clock sharp.

Well, if you don't, I'm off. You won't be the first. The cod in the canteen

off half an hour ago.

Where is Mr Humphries?

Oh, he phoned to say he had a puncture, but he still ought to be here on time.

Why can't me and Miss Bronze have one of those portable fans like what he's got?

Nobody's preventing her from buying one. They're on sale in the electrical

department. They ought to be issued free.

Well, all you...

to do is authorise them. I do not consider it necessary.

Hello, yes.

Oh, Mr Rumbold.

Yes, yes, I'll tell her.

Apparently Miss Belfridge is in one of the fitting rooms and Mr Rumbold

her in his office.

She must have got in early.

She's no right to be there without my permission.

Oh, my.

Get her out of there, Miss Brahms, at once. I shall speak to her very severely

about this.

Captain Peacock wants you out here.

You should really ask my permission to be on the floor, but I'll overlook it

this time.

It's the only thing he has overlooked.

I'm just trying to make up my mind about this costume.

Now, do you think it's too big?

I wouldn't say that.

It's between these two.

Well, there is very little between those two.

Miss Belfridge, do let us know if you need a shoehorn.

Oh, I haven't chosen a shoe yet.

We've got to decide on the costume.

away, Captain Peacock.

You've got ever such nice knees.

I think I will authorise those phones after all.

I thought you might.

I'll try and get you one with a long -lasting battery, in case you can't make

her mind up.

Hold the good for this table.

Sir Humphreys, what is the meaning of this?

I'd take advantage of the he -way to sell me mother's ice cream, but

unfortunately I got a puncture on the M1.

But you don't live anywhere near the M1. I know.

There I was, vending my wares, when this big blue jaguar backed into me, caught

its back bumper on me front mount guard, and before I knew where I was, I was

hurtling up north, ringing me door for all I was worth.

You could have been killed.

I know, and the heat from his exhaust nearly melted my tutti -frutti.

By train.

I was nearly sold out by the time I got to Baker Street.

Cool, what a swizz. Just do with an ice. You might be lucky. Look, I've got one

left.

A giant frozen delight.

50 pence.

Oh, oh, I'd love it. But all I've got left is me dinner money and me fair

Me too. Can't we have it on tick?

Oh, no, why don't we all chip in and have a lick each? Oh, now, come on, make

your mind, cos it's dribbling all down me elbow.

Well, I have the required amount.

I shall purchase it.

Let's have a go.

Oh, you ladies should be much more careful with your money.

I'm really looking forward to this.

Good night, Jesus.

Oh, sorry I'm so long, but I just couldn't make up my mind.

Is that the costume or the label?

Come on, sit down and get on with your work.

Morning, team.

I'm afraid we've run out of biscuits, but you can have half a Cadbury snack at

reduced price.

No, thank you. By the way, have you heard the good news?

What news?

The long -awaited bonus payment has finally been passed by the board. We're

getting it today.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I've got mine already.

Hello?

Mr Graceview, sir.

Rambo, Leather.

You're paying the bonus today. That is a surprise.

Oh, yes, the staff will be delighted.

All except who?

But I'm upper middle management.

I'm almost one of the family.

What do you mean it's a case of FHB?

Oh, family hold back.

Mr. Grace, this is intolerable. I won't stand for it. In fact, I resign.

Sir. What's that? You just resigned.

Oh, no, no, no.

He'll phone back and beg me to stay.

Well, on the other hand, perhaps I was a bit hasty.

Hello. Oh, Mr. Grace. We got cut off, sir.

Yes. Yes. As I was saying, I've resigned myself to not getting my bonus just

yet.

Oh. Rumble, sir.

Yes, big ears.

Yes, the crawler.

He'd forgotten already.

Want to borrow a fiver? Get out.

I can hardly believe it.

I've got about £100 here.

Same as me.

in here longer.

You seem to forget I'm a man.

I wonder how much I'll get being the junior.

Probably. You owe them.

I deserve something.

True. But justice is so arranged that people do not always get what they

deserve. Can I talk to anyone?

We haven't got to go to the counter.

Not today.

Getting my bonus has put me in a good mood. Plus I've got dirty money to

compensate me for wear and tear on my clothes.

But judging by your penny, it should be quite a tidy sum.

Even with climbing gear, you wouldn't get up my nose today, Captain Peter.

Now, you all sit there and I'll get your coffees. It's on me. That's a nice

cake. Oh, that is most generous, sir.

You all look very odd.

Well, the fans aren't working. Oh, I'll get my staff to call you down.

Find the table for her.

Oh, isn't it lovely being found?

I feel like an Egyptian queen.

Could you go a bit faster, please?

The garlic's getting through.

Isn't it amazing how freedom from poverty brings out the best in people?

Certainly reversed in Mr. Rumble's case.

Oh, he's gone mad at not getting his bonus. I gather he's in the executive

dining room trying to persuade Mr. Grace to change his mind.

Well, it proves... he's got guts.

Well, let's hope we don't need a dustpan and brush to get him off the carpet.

Here he comes.

I think he did it.

Hey, sir. This time, Jerry will kiss you.

Oh, you biggie, bald -headed dick. Now look what you've done.

I do apologise, dear.

You wait till I tell me the great work you've done. Oh, no, please. I'm only

being allowed to stay on, provided I don't cause any trouble. Oh!

God, no, it's gone.

I'd never have known.

Get out of here. Good work, Hugo.

Oh, well.

All back to normal.

You speak for yourself.

Oh, what a crack horse in there.

Lucky Mr. Grace is in a good mood.

That's mainly due to the fact he's got a horse running today.

Do you mean he's been squandering his money on the horses?

Or he was lucky to get our bonus at all?

Racing is a privilege after privilege.

What's the name of Mr. Grace's horse?

Mother's Boy.

And it's a flyer.

You mean you have inside information?

I'm very close to the stable, lad.

It's a dead cert. I was once close to a stable, lad. He put me on a dead cert.

Did your dead cert come home? No, we stayed in a hotel in Worthy.

She was in the Salvation Army. They were saving the South Coast.

Was she pretty?

Like an angel.

We became very good friends under the pier.

Did she save you?

Well, she would have done, had it not been for a sudden wave.

Well, I saw it.

No, a policeman.

Two to one.

You see, the reason why the odds is so low is that, well, it can't lose.

Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a dead shirt.

If there were, it would be odds on. This one would be odds on if people knew

what I know. I saw it do a secret gallop. How did it go?

Like that.

You see, racing is my hobby.

I've got a ton on it.

All of your bonus?

No, only a hundred quid of it.

You see, that goes on to Mother's Boy at 2 to 1 in the Queen Mary Stakes, and

then all the winnings of that goes on to Inside Leg Art and Trouser Press at 10

to 1 at the Young Club.

It's what we in the trade term as a double.

But only one horse has to lose.

You've lost a lot.

Yeah, but if they both come in, it'll be spend, spend, spend.

I can make about 2 ,000 quid.

2 ,000 pounds?

It's a fortune.

And we've got the money to put on it.

I don't want to be a wet blanket.

But the odds are that you'll lose the lot.

Now, gambling has ruined many people. I know.

As a young man, I lost everything on the horses.

Just the words betting shop would make my face twitch.

I couldn't control myself. It was like a fever. I never knew that.

Yes, I'm afraid it's true.

I started with the horses, but that wasn't enough.

And night after night, I'd be at the White City betting on dogs.

Fancy you going to the dogs.

Of course.

I mean, I won to start with.

I studied form, you see.

But then my bets got bigger, and so did my losses.

And in the end, I just couldn't think clearly.

And form went out of the window.

I pawned my studs, my watch, even my medals. No, don't.

I was at the end of my tether.

I remember one night, standing there in the rain, unshaven, swaying slightly.

Staring at the dogs as they were paraded round the ring.

And betting on the one with the longest nose.

After a drink of eau de cologne, form means nothing.

Was this before you were married?

This was my wedding night.

Your poor wife.

How did you stop?

Sheer willpower and the love of a good woman.

Your wife?

Her as well.

She threatened to divorce me if she ever caught me betting more than a fiver.

So somehow I gave up. And today, of course, well, I'm cured.

Well, I don't think that a hundred pounds that I've never had until today

going to ruin my life.

Oh, but with two thousand pounds, oh, I couldn't half have a spree.

Well, I suppose I could invest a fiver. That could win more than a hundred if

they both come up. Oh, we can't retire on a hundred quid.

You can't retire on £2 ,000. Well, of course I know that.

Only I could have a holiday in Capri.

And then I might meet a lovely millionaire who'd want me to look after

his fading years.

You'd have to book into a very good hotel.

Well, I know that.

But with £2 ,000, I could put up quite a big front.

You're not doing too bad without it.

Look, are you lot in or out?

In. Right. Well, I'm seeing a jockey what's riding Mother's Boy round at the

pub. Now, he gave me the tryout at dawn and he's going to give me the nod on how

it's going.

I thought it couldn't lose.

It can't lose.

But we'll get a rough idea on how many lengths it's going to win by.

Then everything goes on to inside leg at ten to one.

It's that good, you mean?

It's a fiver. But that's my limit.

Well, I know I've just got my bonus, but...

I'm only going to risk a fiver.

Me too, here.

I'm not a betting man, but my mother is, so I'll have a fiver.

50p, that's all I've got.

You could win 10 quid for that.

Mr. Hyman, could you leave before I bet the rest of this money on that horse?

If you do, you could win 2 ,000 quid.

I'm beginning to twitch now.

Here, take it, take it all. I shall never miss what I've never had.

Only unless you're sure you want to bet on a dead sir.

Go on, take mine. I mean, I'd never rest if I thought I'd fussed up a chance to

win £2 ,000.

Only unless you're sure.

We are.

There's mine.

It's no good. I can't stop myself.

Here's mine.

No. I won't take yours.

You're trying to give it up. Put it away.

The fever will pass.

I've a nice strong cup of coffee to make.

It's no use.

I've got to put that money on that horse. Oh, Captain Peacock, control

Take a deep breath.

And hold it.

Not you.

Oh, thank you.

I'm really very ashamed that you should see my weakness for a moment just like

that. It's all over now.

Yes, we won't mention it till the race is over. And they've all collected their

2 ,000 quid, which they won on the dead shirt that didn't lose.

Where's my betting shop? No! No!

No!

Well,

it's very unique, madam.

But is it earth good?

Well, there's horses there and it's very duller.

I don't think so.

But thank you for your trouble. Will you require a credit note, madam?

I haven't bought anything.

No, but you haven't half messed that up about.

I don't like the tone of your voice. And I don't like being spoken to in that

manner. I'm very friendly with one of the main shareholders in this firm.

What's your name?

Mrs. Devere Winterton.

I shall remember that. I hope you might.

Dallas.

Well, she looks stupid in that act.

Well, I know that and you know that, but you don't tell the customer that.

Yes, but when we get our winnings, we'll be the ones buying it, won't we?

Excuse me, Captain Peacock.

Mr Rumble's had to go and see his bank manager and he told me to tell you that

you're in charge until he gets back.

Right. Here, by the way, there's a rumour that you put that bet on.

I did.

It was the biggest mistake I ever made.

As I tell you, Mr Rumble's office, you can watch it in there.

I'm going to watch it in packing.

Right. Come on.

Hey, Rumble's gone to the bank. We're going to watch it on his horse.

And his mother's boy comes through on the inside and dead easy is holding off

and now they're neck and neck. And now it's biscuit challenges.

Look, why is that jockey bobbing up and down? He's putting it off. You lot

aren't supposed to be here. And mother's boy... Come on!

television in my office.

Oh, they were nearly at the end. Now we don't know who's won.

Our bonus was on that.

Peacock, I hold you responsible.

And I must tell you, I'm totally opposed to gambling.

Why are you twitching, Peacock?

I've no idea.

Get back on the floor.

Spoilsport!

I expect you tried to stop them, but they forced you to switch the set on.

Hello? Yeah.

Yes, I'll tell him.

Mr. Grace, he's got to go to a meeting and he wants you to watch out for the

odds on the last race they just ran at Ascot.

I thought you were going to the bank.

Yes, I did, but there was a queue.

Ah, hello, sir. Yes, that'll be a pleasure.

Yes, a wonderful sport.

And while you're on the line, sir, about my bonus.

You what?

You've invested it?

Yes, well, that is most kind, but I do need it rather urgently.

May I inquire if it's on deposit at a good rate?

I see.

It's on inside leg in the 330.

Yes, I will watch most closely.

It's got my money on its horse.

I wonder what the odds are, and who the jockey is, and what the going's

like. And why we're watching play school.

Look, look.

Look, I'm sorry.

What can I say?

Sorry? About what?

But our horse came first. It was leading at the end.

Yeah, the horse came in first. But not the jockey. He fell off.

That doesn't count, does it? No, it doesn't. We've lost our bonus and all

money was going to go on to the next race.

Oh, what a fool I've been. What an unmitigated fool.

If the jockey fell off, we should have...

That's the luck of the game, isn't it?

Mind you, there is still a way you could get your money back. What is it? Oh.

The next horse is inside leg at ten to one. Now, if you all put a tenner on

to win, and it wins, you collect and get your bonus back.

But we're broke.

All our money was on the race.

Yes, I can't even get home.

And if my wife finds out, my life will be hell.

You can always go round to the pawnbroker and raise a bit of wind.

I mean, them cufflinks of yours must be worth a tenner.

Miss Ramfrey's watch and chain, that's quite nice.

We can't run around London looking for a pawnbroker.

You don't have to.

My cord.

See the balls on it? I do a bit on the side.

Oh, so you'll give us the tennis?

Right, let's see what you're going to walk.

There, you can have my watch and chain.

I never thought I'd sink this low again.

There's my semi -precious earrings and my poor crocodile handbag.

Which part's crocodile?

The clasp.

What could I have seen?

You're taking a chance with that.

I haven't got anything to offer.

You can have it on tick.

Why couldn't I have it on tick?

You really haven't got anything to offer.

Oh!

Doubtful boy.

What will you give me for this electric fan, then?

Second hand, quill.

Robbery! If you're going to insult the firm, 50p.

I'll take it. Right, here you are, then. It's a tenner each to put on a ten to

one on inside leg. It's a quill for you, and there you go.

Now all we need is a bouquet.

My card.

Don't tell me you're a bouquet as well.

That's William Hill's number on there. I've got an account with him.

I hope that horse wins. My mother gave me that watch when I became captain of

the embroidery team.

John Blinker here.

Can I have 50 quid to win on inside leg?

Ten to one.

Thank you.

Oh, that didn't last long.

I do wish we could see it on the telly. We can't leave the floor again. We'd get

fired. I've got an idea.

The security screen in the fitting room.

I could pop down to the radio department, get one of those walkie

things, listen to it on the radio and relay it to you on the screen in the

fitting room. That's brilliant!

Permission to leave the floor.

I'll turn a blind eye.

Yeah, it's rather silly, some of them.

Ah, the horses are lining up.

Which is the one with my bonus on it?

The one foaming at the mountain, facing the wrong way.

Oh, I can't stand the strain.

Tell me when it's over.

Here he is. Oh, there he is now.

Oh, his shoes look nice.

We can see you.

Can you hear us?

We can't hear you.

We can't hear.

What's he doing?

Headphones. I know, I know. He's going to

listen to the race on the radio and then mime it to us. Is that right?

What's he doing?

Oh, he's miming. He's miming inside leg.

What's he doing?

I've no idea.

He looks as if he's playing tennis.

Oh, I've got it. I've played charades before. Now, that means first word.

word.

Um, tick.

He's ticking the oath.

Oh, I've got it. First letter of first word. A.

Pig, pig, pig. Pig, pig, pig. Pig something.

Oh, what's wrong?

I've got it, I've got it. The jockey's gone potty.

Skipping. Skipping. He's playing.

He's playing.

Skipping. Oh, good. Inside leg is playing up. Oh.

Oh, dear.

Go away.

Two words.

Two words.

In his trousers.

Shirt. It's shirt time. Pants.

Pants. The horse is panting. No, no, no. No, no, it's underwear.

Underwear. Underwear. First word, under. Oh, under.

Under, yes.

Handle. Under handle.

Under a car.

Under a barrel organ.

Under a mangle.

What's he got?

It's a book. It's his bill pad.

Oh, bill pad. It's orders.

That's it.

They're orders.

They're under starters orders. Oh, well, all right.

Five seconds to go.

Five, four, three, two, one.

It's a lady horse.

It's a lady horse without a bra.

Ronnie, it's another horse passing it. Oh, which one is that?

It's a teapot, a teapot. I'll go through the film. Hang on. Inside leg,

nightcap, frenzy, holiday queen.

Oh, holiday queen.

The jockey's pulling his collar.

Kiss him.

Inside leg's kissing holiday queen.

Inside leg.

Inside leg. Inside leg.

Inside leg.

Inside

leg.

Inside leg.

Inside leg. He's got his nose in front. That's right. Inside leg. Inside leg.

Inside leg.

Inside leg.

Captain Peacock, my television set has appeared to have broken down and I had

watch the race for Mr. Grace. He's very anxious to know the results.

I wonder, do you happen to hear from any of the customers or one of the staff

which horse won it?

Someone mentioned that Inside Leg had won, which is of no interest to us, of

course. That's a relief.

Oh, so you've got your bonus, then?

Well, nearly.

Apparently, all the winnings goes on to a horse in the next race, which is

something called a shirt at 20 to 1.

You've got a shirt at 20 to 1? What's it called?

King of the Fairies.

20 to 1? We could win a fortune!

How do you fancy King of the Fairies at 4 o 'clock?

I don't finish work till half past five.

Quick! I need to come on! King of the Fairies! Come on!