Original subtitles

Second floor, perfumery, stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food, going up.

First floor, telecoms, gents, ready -made suits, gents, socks, pie hats,

underwear and shoes, going up.

Second floor, carpets, travel goods and bedding, materials, soft furnishing,

restaurant and tea, going up.

Mr. Halfridge, Mr. Spooner, have you nearly finished your stock -taking?

You're supposed to count them, not measure them.

Well, there's no label on it. We've got to know what size they are.

Yes, now this inside leg is 28.

Yes. And this inside leg's 15.

Well,

that can't be right.

Right, it can't. Oh, of course, it's all coming back to me now. It was a special

order by a Welsh sheep farmer that lived on the side of a very steep hill.

It's nearly seven o 'clock, so I'm leaving. Mr. Harmon will

let you all out with his master key. I thought you wanted to check these

tonight, sir.

Well, the morning will have to do. My wife expects me home at a reasonable

Oh, are you sure taking me home won't make you late?

No, no, no, that's all right.

You don't live anywhere near, Miss Belfridge.

Well, knowing I was going to be late, I borrowed me mother's motorbike and

sidecar to give you a lift home.

Completely the other way.

Ignore the rumours. It'll be a pleasure.

No, no, no. I insist.

I'll see you all on Monday. Come along, Miss Belfridge.

Don't forget to lock up, Mr Harlan.

Oh, by the way, everybody, I'm glad that the custom of playing practical jokes

on management and stock -taking night has been discontinued.

You're far too tired for that, sir. Sir.

As you're going straight home, I suppose you won't be wanting the two tickets I

bought for you for the back row of the Continental Cinema tonight.

I didn't hear that.

I said you won't want them seats for the cinema. Mr. Harmon, check the alarm

systems and lock up before you go home. Yes, sir.

It's amazing the trouble a bottle of peroxide can cause.

She's only going because he's up for a rise.

How do you know?

I recommended her for it.

Oh, you men, you live in a dream.

Those girls only use you to get on.

Mrs. Slocum, do I have to remind you what clinched your senior position on

ladies' counter?

I was the right age. I was very keen, and I was ready for it.

Very well, Mr.

Grace Hughes, when you came down from his office.

I'm not staying here to be insulted. I'm going home.

Oh, no. We're being robbed.

What do you mean?

There's two blokes going through the safe in accounts.

Oh, it's probably the staff up there doing the stop -taking like we are down

here. Yeah, but they'd use a key. These blokes have got socks that set a lean

blow lamp.

We must ring the police.

Yeah, we're the only outside lines here in Mr. Rumbaud's office.

But they can't get out of the building without the keys.

Well, how did they get in?

What are we going to do?

Well, all the doors are locked. Now, if we could catch them ourselves, well,

it's... There'll be quite a feather in our cats.

Feathers don't suit me. I think we should phone the police.

All of a sudden, I've got to spend a penny.

I'm afraid all the loses lot.

Well, give me the key. It's an emergency.

You can use the executive one, but hurry. Here, that's the one on the ring

there. Thank you.

Well, I'm all for having a go.

Only two, you say? Yes.

What does four of us mean?

Three, I'm against violence.

Now, they obviously think the building is empty.

We have the element of surprise, and, well, they're probably a lot more

frightened than we are.

Oh, yeah.

They're both over six feet tall and built like brick chicken houses.

On the other hand, phoning the police would be the correct thing to do.

Get behind the counter, quick. Come on.

Come on.

I don't want anybody to do anything brave or reckless until I give the word.

Don't worry, we won't.

This job's a piece of cake.

Yeah. All we need to do now is have a kip till they open and then just walk

Maybe at the site down here we could crack.

We've run out of acetylene.

Oh, it's worth a look around.

We could always chuck it out the window. That usually opens it.

I told you they was big.

They look a right pair of ruffians.

Not the sort of gentleman you could reason with.

If we jump on them from behind, it might surprise them. It might amaze them.

What are we going to do? We can't stay down here all night, can we?

Why don't we creep along and lock them in Rambo's office?

They might be coming out the door when we get there.

I used to be very handy with my dukes.

I used to fight for ten bob a night in the old Blackfriars ring.

Do you mean that you're volunteering to go and lock them in?

Do me a favour, that was 40 years ago.

I'm just remembering now, Andy.

They're both over seven foot tall and mean with it.

What will they do to us if they catch us?

Keep quiet and they won't.

If they see Mrs. Slocum's handbag on the counter that wasn't there when they

came down, they'll know someone's about.

Humphreys, get the bag.

Now me legs are gone.

Spooner, it's up to you.

Why me?

Why can't you go?

Because I'm...

I'm not quite as agile as I used to be. You'll need a better reason than that.

If they catch Captain Peacock, I mean, it's obviously the eye up in the firm.

They might sort of hold him as an hostage if he comes to a shootout with

police. That's a good point, Harmon.

Whereas you, Mr Spooner, you look at me a boy. I mean, they'll just cost you and

dump you in the fitting room.

That settles it. I'm staying poor.

Oh, what do, Miss Feldman? No, don't, Bessie. I'll go.

Well, if they do catch you, we'll all be on them like a flash.

That's safe. It's a white coat hanger.

Could be something on that counter.

Of course it is.

It wasn't me.

Tell me, Eddie.

Do you remember seeing this dummy before?

They all look alike to me.

But this one is very lifelike.

And it's got a lovely handbag.

Yeah. That'd be a nice present for the wife. Yeah. She could do with some

stockings as well.

Come on, everybody.

I've got them.

Hello.

Fancy thinking we'd fall for an old one like that.

Now, what are you doing here after closing time?

to 134.

You can keep us company in the office while we open the safe.

Wake us water, the whole lot of you. Wake us water.

I didn't see you leading the charge.

I was waiting for your signal.

Well, if we men had been alone, we'd have gone in there, but we couldn't risk

your being involved.

No, not a woman of your age.

Look, they've got Miss Bronze at their mercy. They could be doing anything to

her. Oh, I wish I'd gone in her place.

I was just thinking that, myself.

I've got an idea.

Oh, about time. What is it?

That sort of villain is always afraid of authority, especially the police.

Well, the police aren't here. But they don't know that.

And if I go in there and say that I'm a detective inspector from Scotland Yard,

well, I'm sure they'd give themselves up. Yes, but wouldn't it be safer to

run out and get a proper policeman?

We can't. The master key for the exit's in your handbag. Which is in the office.

I think Stephen's plan might work.

There's only one thing wrong with it, you see. Detectives always work in

You look a little bit old to be my assistant.

I don't mean me, I mean him.

I don't look like a policeman.

No, but you're all we've got.

Well, you have got that army manner. It might work.

And, I mean, we've got to save Miss Brahms from being at the mercy of those

rough men.

I mean, they might even try to kiss her.

Not while they're on the job.

Well, that's what ruffians do when they capture girls.

They force their attentions on them.

Oh, if only I'd gone in her place.

I'd have put up a real fight for quite a long time.

Here, take this. What's that?

That's my union card. Just flash it briefly and they'll assume it's your CID

But what do I flash?

Nothing.

Just look alert and pretend to take notes.

Get on with it. Now, what shall I wear?

Mr Spooner, get me a size 42 riding mac out of stock and some tweed hats and

caps. Why a riding mac? Juliet Bravo never wears anything else.

Why, I hope there's something worth having in here.

What do you expect?

the crowd, Jules?

I'll just hold up.

You'll never get away with this, you know.

Robbie, you never stop talking.

You're worse than my old woman.

More rabbit than Sainsbury's.

This is the police.

The game's up. Come out with your hands up. Don't tell them to come out here.

We're out here.

Oh, yes.

Stay where you are. Two of us are coming in.

Robbie, Nick, there's too far to jump.

I am Detective Inspector Stevens from Scotland Yard. I arrest you for breaking

and entering.

I warn you that anything you say will be taken down and may be used in evidence.

My assistant, Detective Spooner, will release the girl.

Shall I put the cuffs on them? That will not be necessary.

How about a surgeon to see if they're tooled up?

Just release the girl.

All right, it's a fair cop.

Who blew the gas?

We had a tip -off. I knew it.

Was it the...

Gumby gang.

What do you boys know about a Gumby gang?

We will interrogate them later at the station. That's all right, we'll talk.

Oh, good.

They're the meanest, heaviest mob in the underworld.

The Lord's never laid a finger on them.

What's their description?

We've never seen them, but apparently they're led by old Paul Gumby and his

maw, Ma Gumby. Yeah, and they work with their stepson, Italian Tony, the Tootin'

Terror.

Well, they was threatening to move into our manor.

So I reckon they must have picked you up to get us out of the way.

Well, as a matter of fact, they did.

Spooner, take that handbag down to forensics and have it examined for

fingerprints. Here's Captain Peacock.

Just a minute.

I thought you said your name was Stephen.

Let's have another look at that card.

It'll be foolish to resist the rest.

A longer look than that.

It's a union card.

For packing and maintenance engineering.

Oh, dear.

You are in deep water, old son.

Right out of your depth, impersonating a police officer.

Look, if you let us go, we won't say anything, will we?

No words.

Get some more rope and tie into that cupboard. I must protest.

If you do, we'll gag you.

They've seen our faces.

They could identify her. I have no memory for faces.

I ask, and when you recall, I'll come in there and I'll pick you out and you'll

go down for life. Shut up.

Please be quiet, Miss Brown.

She's only doing it to annoy you. Now, I'll handle this.

Now, if I give you the key to the exit, will you let us go?

Oh, so you've got a key, have you?

All right.

Where is it?

I'll get it.

Miss Brown, don't!

There, you see. You've had it now because the key was in there and now you

get away and you'll have to stay here and the police will come and you'll be

nicked.

That was not a very careful move, Miss Brown.

Follow me. I've got a plan.

Come on.

I think my legs have gone on strike again.

coat hangers.

And not a sign of getting it open.

You're wasting your time.

It's empty.

Yeah, why don't you tie a load of trousers together, hang them out the

and escape while you can?

Because we've got our chauffeur arriving at one minute past nine in the morning.

You're not dealing with rubbish here, you know.

Why don't we go settle down and have a nice tip?

I don't like any of your ideas so far.

What about this?

The one thing they're more scared of than the law is the Gumby gang.

Well, how will that help us?

Well, they've never seen them. We disguise ourselves as the villains and

over. Yes, but we still can't get out. Miss Brahms threw the key away.

Well, when we take over, we can use the phone to get out.

Mrs. Slocum would never pass as Mad Mar Gumby.

Leave it to me.

I know the look.

Mad Mar Gumby.

I don't know, though.

in the cellar.

Okay,

you guys, freeze.

Who are you?

Me? I'm Pa Gumby.

Me and my family are taking over in your manor.

Okay, Ma, I've got this hut covered.

We don't want no trouble with you and Ma, Ma Gumby.

I kind of like his style.

Come down and see me sometime.

Don't you mean come up and see you?

No, I live in the basement.

No, we don't want no violence. And we're not armed. We was just doing a bit of

petty phoebe. Yeah, we don't mind if you move in on our manner.

We'll split our share.

In fact, you can have all of it.

Say, that's quite a lot of cabbage, Paul.

You count it, sugar, while I call in our crazy son.

No. Italian Tony.

The trippy terror.

The same.

The very same.

The same.

And uncontrollable when there's a full moon. And a full moon is tonight.

Okay, Tony, you can come in now.

God, dear.

He's a whopper.

Why, he's a bumzer.

Inco -lovers. They're moving in on that manor, son. Oh, hold me back before I

give him the water. You know what happens when you let yourself go.

Oh, Papa, you are a spoiled sport to me.

Who are these two creeps, sir?

They were posing as the law.

Maybe we should chuck them out of the window.

That warped son of yours is off his rocker. Leave it out. If you kill us,

never get into the safe.

Yes, sir, it was empty.

I was lying to you. It's full of money.

All you need is a drill from the electrical department.

Okay, son.

You've got to be telling the truth.

Otherwise, I'll set Tony on you. No, no, Papa, he's an older man.

I think he told the truth.

Okay, you guys, get down to the electrical depot and get a drill.

Right.

By the way, there's a rumour in the underworld you're very keen on the

So long as it's only a rumour.

Yeah, well, you can have that one. She's all yours.

No, no, I shall never give in to an Italian whopper.

You do have rumours in the underworld.

I'm proud to meet you, Tony.

In the underworld, you're a legend.

They'll be talking about you soon.

Yeah, he's definitely one of us.

If ever you need a couple of good blokes behind you... You'll be the first to

know.

OK, fellas, you get it to your drills.

If it wasn't for your old man, I think you and me could make music together.

Pity I sold the pig, Emma.

Good, Mr. John. I thought me legs were going to go again.

Sure, we've fooled them.

Yeah, but how are we going to get out of here?

I'm telling you about the police.

Hello. Police.

It's urgent. It doesn't matter which station.

My number is extension 214, Grace Brothers. Quick.

Quick. Look like you're doing something.

What should I do? Look to your reputation.

Give her a kiss.

You think they'll believe it?

They will.

No, but I'm not used to this. No!

doors was down till we couldn't get to the drills.

Well, see, Tony's going through the phone. Yeah.

Living up to his reputation.

Yeah, and that's only just chatting her up.

I've got an idea.

Well, treat it gently. It's in a strange place.

So, I will telephone the man who has the key to the safe and tell him that if he

doesn't bring them down here, he'll never see me again.

Here's the phone.

And don't do anything fancy. Just keep the dialogue legit, Savvy.

Seven.

Ah!

Who is it?

It's after midnight.

It's Captain Peacock, sir.

What do you mean by ringing me at home?

Sir, I'm in your office with five desperate criminals.

And if you don't get down here with the keys to your safe, you'll never see me

again. What are you talking about?

I've only got my teacup and biscuits in that safe. As much money as that. Well,

you'd better get down here in a hurry.

And don't spill the beans to the fuzz or it's acquaintance for the captain.

Mrs. Slocum, what are you playing?

Slocum, I never heard of the dame.

Now, get on over here.

Here, let me have a go.

Mr. Rumpold, it's true that...

I won't forget this poor practical joke.

Oh, I knew stock -taking night wouldn't go by without something like this

happening. Just don't do it again!

He's a rat!

Well, that's done it. What do we do now?

I've got it.

You go get a trolley. There's bound to be one bite of goods left.

And then when the store opens in the morning, we'll just walk out as cool as

cucumber.

Oh, mein papa, you've got it to bring.

I've got it, haven't I?

Roy!

I phoned the police.

Men's world.

So, Mr Humphreys, you're there as well.

Mr Rumble, look, we're in your office and there are burglars here. Now, for

goodness sake, get the police.

Give it to me.

Mr Rumble, you've got to come and get us out. We're in danger.

Oh, don't be silly.

Anyway, Mr Harmon has a key. You can get out.

Miss Bronson threw it out of the window.

Here we are.

They should do the trick.

Right.

Hold it right there, Bart.

I like a bit of muscle.

Okay, get down to the goods lift, ready to go as soon as the door's open. Yeah.

Well, that's you do a bit of work.

No speaking to my

papa like that!

Otherwise I spread you across the world like jam.

Yeah, all right, Tony. Keep your ear on it.

Okay, you guys. Let's just get this show on the road, eh?

Oh, Mr. Holmes, yes, that was good.

Here, keep your hair on. It's all right, Liv, go on.

Your hair in your ass! Oh, yes!

We can't rely on rumble. I think I'd better get up on the roof and try to

attract attention.

I can strike some matches or something like that. Don't be so silly. Where

we say you'd gone?

Just say that I escaped from you.

Well, someone as tough as me, they'd never believe you.

Mr. Holmes, you go out...

busy. And Mr Spooner, grab a male dummy from display and bring it in here.

What are you going to do? Never mind that. Just go.

It's a coin box.

Oh, what do you want, Mr Rumbold?

How many men?

There were two.

Oh, yes, I know we set five, but that was for them.

Look, you've got to come and get the police.

really being held prisoner, but, well, me and Mr Harmon are pretending to be

gangsters, and Mr Humphries is our stepson, and we've captured Captain

and Miss Bronze and Mr Cooner, and they think that Mr Humphries is keen on Miss

Bronze. Tell him I can't keep it up much longer.

No, that might confuse him.

Hurry up, we're in dreadful danger!

All right, bring it over here. Captain Peacock, you go...

Sir Humphreys, open the window and stand there.

What shall I do?

Just dangle it out of the window.

The dummy, the legs.

See, you grab one leg, I'll grab the other. And then we'll pretend it's

Peacock. And then we're trying to make him talk.

Right, Peacock, spill the beans or you'll take a dive.

Yes, steady on. He's going to tell us the combination of the safe.

your mind, you could swap him.

What do you know? He got a false leg.

We've got to get out of here.

We can't. We haven't got the key.

Suddenly I feel kind of peckish. Why don't you nip up to the canteen and grab

sandwich? Sure thing, ma.

You come up with me and we have a little...

Oh, he's such a little tearaway.

How can you be so cool?

I can warm up when I have to, Big Bunny.

Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock. Captain Peacock.

Look, I've got this rope.

Over the pulley on the flagpole.

I'm going to tie it round my waist.

Like that.

Now, you must lower me over the edge and I'll go and get the police.

A little bit risky?

I must do it.

If I'm not home by one o 'clock, my mother locks the door.

Oh, good luck.

Don't get carried away with your car.

Here we go. Take it straight, Miss Martin.

Careful up, gently, gently. There we go.

Good boy.

Careful up.

to get some more rope. He's stuck halfway.

Tony, where are you going?

I had just come down to see if you wanted a musk powder on your sandwich

This is the police.

The building is surrounded and officers are already in the building.

You had better get yourselves up.

Blimey, quick, into the cupboard. All right,

we got him.

What a nasty -looking bunch they are, too.

Do you know this person, sir?

I don't recognise anyone in this room.

What about me?

Who's that?

Who's that? I've no idea.

Looks like some kind of ice cream seller.

Come on, you lot. Oh, dear. Wait a minute.

Hello,

dear. Yes, a hoax, as I thought.

Oh, they do it every stop -taking.

Well, I've taught them a lesson. I said I didn't recognise any of them. They're

off to the police station.

Yes. Bye.

Do you by any chance have the key to the safe?

Mr Humphrey, get the police back quickly.

Don't talk to me.