Original subtitles

Ground floor perfumery, stationery and leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

kitchenware and shoes going up.

First floor, telecoms, gents, ready -made suits, jumps, socks, high hats,

underwear and shoes going up.

Second floor, carpets, travel goods and bedding, materials.

Mr.

Harmon, as Captain Peacock isn't here, I feel it's up to me to tell you that I

don't want you on the floor at this time in the morning.

My wife will be pleased to hear that. She's a very jealous woman.

I'm looking forward to some time.

Who told you he was short -sighted?

Orders from above.

To enhance the sale of the costume or purpose spectacles, they are to go on

display at all possible occasions. And you are on commission.

Oh, hang on a minute.

Here, try those on.

Here. How do I look?

Oh, yes.

People will respect you wearing those. They make you look important.

I'll have them.

Mr. Harriman, get off the floor.

On second thoughts, you can have them.

Mr. Sloker, Mr. Humphries.

You should know better than to gather centre floor for a chat.

As a matter of fact, we was discussing why you were late.

Yes, we was worried about you, wasn't we?

We were just about to phone the hospitals and the police station. That's

own.

It is just eight minutes past nine. Hardly cause for panic.

That spectacle display should have been ready first thing.

I'm sorry, Colonel.

Would you be looking for a new pair yourself?

Or will you be sticking to your normal Neville Chamberlains?

You should be looking for a new member of packing if you don't leave the floor.

Just go in, my lord.

Men's wear.

Oh, Mrs. Peacock. Yes, yes, he's here. It's for you, Captain Peacock.

Yes.

I have until five o 'clock to decide. We agreed that.

Yes, sir.

Look, I can't speak in front of my staff.

Well, don't go standing there, David.

Get back to your counters.

The other side.

I can't talk now. I have to go. Goodbye. Captain Peacock, normally I would

acquiesce with your command to return to my counter.

But if you're in any trouble, and I am unanimous in this, I would like you to

know that we're all behind you.

I'm not in any sort of trouble.

If you're not, why is that muscle in your neck twitching?

I repeat, I have no problems whatsoever.

I wouldn't say that. Rumble's on the warpath.

Peacock. Yes, Mr. Rumble.

It's well after opening time and I've found you wearing your hat and coat. I

only conclude that you're late and setting a very bad example.

If I may speak, Mr Rumble, Captain Peacock isn't late. He was modelling

and coat for a customer.

But it's his hat and coat.

Yes, he was showing the customer how well they wear.

Well, where is the customer?

They've gone away to think about it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But you have been late three times this week, and a fourth time would have meant

a severe reprimand. Oh, what a poppycock.

We're not still at school, you know.

Really, Peacock, I won't be spoken to in that manner in front of the staff.

And neither will I.

And if you continue to get up my nose, I shall be forced to mention the number

of days you leave early by the back entrance.

Peacock, you're pushing my patience to its limit.

Really?

I may seem a good -natured person, but I must warn you I am capable of blowing

my top.

Judging by appearances, you've already blown it.

I really don't think senior management should engage in this kind of exchange

front of counter staff.

Don't mind us. We're enjoying it.

I shall expect an apology before I leave.

Will that be at 5 p .m., or are you slipping out early again?

That will be all. Get back to your places.

I told him.

Oh, do you know, I'm really proud to be on your floor.

I may not be on this floor much longer.

I'm thinking of making a change.

Oh, don't say that. It wouldn't be the same without you.

Men's wear.

Accounts? Yes.

Miss... Miss Bacnell.

Just a moment.

Captain Peacock.

This is a... This is rather a private matter, if you wouldn't mind.

Come along, everyone, away from the phone.

I told you not to phone me.

Yes, yes, she knows everything.

Well, almost everything.

No, no, I haven't made up my mind one way or the other.

Now, listen.

I think it was most unwise of you to get a position with this firm.

We could be near each other after hours.

No. No, I am not leaving the floor.

No, Edna, you must not come down here.

Now, listen.

I'm putting the phone down now. Now, please do not ring me again.

I hope none of you heard that.

What?

I said, I hope none of you heard that. Of course not.

Which Miss Bagnold was that?

I expect that we knew what an account would have big knockers.

I hope this tittle -tattle doesn't go any further.

Oh, don't worry. You can trust us.

Well, I have a slight problem, but I'm sure I can settle it all right. I would

be obliged if you didn't mention it again. It's rather delicate.

Mum's the word.

I hope not.

Yes, who is it this time?

Oh, Mrs Peacock.

You don't want to disturb him, no.

But you want to know what?

Are you on or off for tonight?

Tell her I haven't made up my mind. Hello.

Whatever it is, he hasn't made up his mind.

You'll be here at five o 'clock anyway.

She's hung up.

I take it you're not on the best of terms with Mrs Peacock. That is correct.

Now, if you don't mind, let us continue with our business as normal.

Oh, poor Captain Peacock. I thought he was under a strain. You can always tell

when a man's got something worrying him. How?

He looks furtive.

Oh, what do you think, sir?

Well, it's clear that he's got a problem at home.

And not for the first time.

Oh. What about this Miss... from the account.

She only joined this week.

Yes, well, obviously.

He has known her before.

Oh. Do you mean known in the biblical sense?

Or just socially?

Well, nowadays it's the same thing.

But obviously, she's preying on his mind.

Well, I wonder who he's thinking about now.

His wife or Miss Bagnold?

I sincerely hope it's his wife.

But when people get to middle age, you know, they get desperate.

They feel their youth escaping.

The chill wind of autumn has started to blow.

Well, I know that's how I felt.

And did you kick over the traces when you felt the chill wind of autumn?

No. I bought some thick knickers.

Stephen!

to you. Not now.

I'm not leaving until you do.

Oh.

Mr. Humphreys, are you free?

I'm free.

Would you take the floor for a moment? I have to discuss a matter with a member

of the accounts department.

If you ask me, he's got it.

The lift's stuck between floors.

What's going on?

More like, what's going off?

No, no, I mean generally between them.

Well, he hasn't confided in me. Obviously he was thinking of leaving

this other woman.

She's only come to light since she joined account to be near him. And I

like most men, he doesn't mind a bit of shilly -shally on the side, as long as

it's away from home.

Or away from work.

Oh, some men like it at work.

You denied everything when they fired Mr.

Bentall. We all denied everything when they fired Mr. Bentall.

The point is that Campton Peacock's in a bit of a spot, and I think we ought to

stick by him.

Well, but if he won't confide in us, what can we do?

Well, we'll find an opportunity to have a chat with him, you see, and assess his

situation, and try and advise him the best way we can.

What a good idea. Now, see, I'll sit next to him in the canteen and draw him

out. You lot pretend to be chatting amongst yourselves.

It's probably just a passing crush this woman's got on him. It'll all be over by

coffee time.

I think it's going to take a bit longer than that.

Captain Peacock.

Would it help to have a woman's opinion?

Don't talk to me about women.

I've had women up to here.

I've never seen one that tall.

Be quiet.

No, I mean about your problem. I mean, it's clear that you and Mrs Peacock

aren't getting on as well as might be at the moment.

Are you surprised?

We've been married for over 30 years.

Well, you're bound to have your ups and downs. I mean, my marriage had its ups

and downs for years.

In fact, for the last few, there were hardly any ups at all.

I'm afraid mine has got to the point where I've either got to go now or stay

forever and make the best of it. The trouble is, I can't go.

Why not?

This is just between us.

I don't care who knows.

Except Spooner.

I'll put some buns on me ears.

You look like an underdone hamburger.

The problem is, the problem is my wife won't give me a divorce.

For what?

Oh, what an idiotic question. Of course I have.

It's not just for myself, you understand. I think it would be better

I've changed over the years. I'm not the same gay, carefree fellow I was when we

first met.

You're certainly not as carefree.

Then I met Miss Bagnold at the golf club.

Was this recent?

No, two summers ago.

An old army chum and his wife introduced us, and we had a foursome that was most

enjoyable.

Hey, well, I'll eat some more buns.

Then it turned out that Miss Bagnold and I have the same handicap.

Oh, you were both married.

God, handicap.

She was single, had a good job in a bank, the Midland.

And like a fool, I opened an account there.

And I always seemed to find myself at her window.

Well, she became infatuated, and I think so did I.

Soon, the entire Midland Bank knew about it. Well, it is the listening bank.

I found that I was thinking about her more and more, and unfortunately, I

in my sleep.

And apparently, I kept repeating my account number.

My wife got suspicious.

How do you know? She hit me with a bedside lamp.

What did you do?

Opened an account at the National Westminster and asked for a divorce.

Of course, no wonder you've been looking peaky. The divorce is playing on your

mind. No, no, no. As I said, my wife refuses to give me a divorce.

On the contrary, she wants to forget the whole episode and give it another try.

Well, wouldn't it be worth giving it another try?

Well, I thought so.

Until Miss Bagnall gave up her former position and joined the accounts

department here. Oh, she shouldn't have done that.

Well, as long as I don't see her, I'm fine.

But the sight of that desperate face plays old Harry with my conscience.

I realise what a swine I've been.

The strain must be awful.

You don't know the anguish of making two women unhappy.

No, no, I need a change.

If you was younger, you could go off and join the Foreign Legion.

That did cross my mind.

Forgetting it all with a tough bunch of men.

It's crossed my mind occasionally.

Well, when you get to my age, it's too late.

What are you going to do?

Well, whatever I do, I've got to do it today.

I promised my wife that I'd make a decision one way or the other.

And as she's arriving here at 5pm, well, I expect there's only one course open

to me. I should try the fire exit, because here's Miss Bagnol.

I must talk to you.

Leave this to me. I'll deal with it.

Not now, Miss Bagnol. I'm having my coffee with my staff.

I've decided that if you won't leave your wife...

There's only one thing left for me to do.

Return to the bank?

No.

I shall wait for you forever.

No man can ever take your place.

Wherever you go, I shall be there.

Such is my love for you, and I don't care who knows it. Just a moment, Miss

Bagnall. You're not the only one that loves Captain Peacock, you know.

He's very popular here. Does your heart tremble when he takes your hand?

I only said he was very popular. I don't know him as well as that.

Well, then,

that's it.

I still have to offer my resignation. I can't stay here now.

You'll do nothing of the sort. If anybody goes, it's her.

Just a minute. I've got an idea.

How about if she found you with another woman? Then she'd go mad and go off you.

Yes. Yeah, if she'd find out how shallow you are, she'd leave.

No, I don't want to hurt her. I mean, she really is in love.

You know, I've often thought how much easier it would be to be a woman.

They lead much more straightforward lives than we do.

Everything's in black and white for them.

You've got to be cruel to be... Sorry.

You've got to be cruel to be kind. I mean, you'll be doing her a favour.

I've often done it to get rid of birds.

Huh, you?

You've never had a bird to get rid of.

I'll have you know I have them banging on my door every night.

Yeah, trying to get out.

No, you know, there might be something in it.

Well, it might work, but how can we arrange it? Well, you could be kissing

Slocum in the fitting room.

Then I'll get Miss Bagnall down on the floor on some pretext.

Ask for change for the till. That's always a good one.

Well, would she be jealous of Mrs. Slocum? Well, if we were in a passionate

embrace.

Don't you think that she might be more inclined to be jealous if I was in a

passionate embrace with Miss Brahms?

No, Miss Brahms looks too easy.

I mean, Mrs. Stoughton's got that sort of unobtainable quality about her. No

would believe anyone would be kissing her unless I was really serious.

Actually,

he might be right, you know.

Yes, well, we'll keep that as a last resort.

Personally, I'm going to have to speak to Mr Rumbold and see if he can get Miss

Bagnall moved to another branch.

I mean, she quite clearly, she can't control herself working here.

Can I ask you a personal question?

What exactly do you do to get them in this state?

Well, that's just it. I don't do anything.

Neither do I.

It doesn't seem to have the same effect.

But I can't just ask accounts to transfer Miss Bagnall without a good

I assure you I have a good reason.

But it's not one I can discuss in front of your secretary.

I know the reason.

You're in love with her.

I'm not in love with her.

It's all over the store.

It's even written on the wall of the ladies.

Ladies and gentlemen, we must have it off as soon as possible.

Do I gather that you, a married man, have been cussing and overing around?

No.

I mean, unfortunately, that Miss Bagnold is more than infatuated with me, which

is causing me great embarrassment.

Is your wife, no?

Yes. As a matter of fact, I have asked for a divorce.

Ah, so you can marry Miss Bagnold.

Miss Bagnold is driving me mad.

And you said I drove you mad.

Ah! you want to marry Miss Belfridge.

I strongly advise against it. The age gap would never work.

I don't want to marry anyone.

Then why ask for a divorce?

Because I've had enough.

It would appear more than enough.

Oh, Miss Belfridge, I think you'd better leave. This is clearly a very personal

matter. Oh, it's getting a bit late now. I mean, she's heard everything.

Well, I'm sorry. I can't help you.

Your executive team biscuits are.

Oh, I see you're entertaining the red shadows.

Miss Pagnol's looking for you.

I do not wish to discuss my private life with cellar people.

Well, you're the talk and the sower.

They're calling you the Robert Redford of ready maids.

In fact, they're running a book, five to one, that you run off with Miss Pagnol.

That will do, Mr Hart. You can see how intolerable my position is becoming.

I won't let you do it. I'll stand by you, Stephen.

I'll make a note of that.

20 to 1, Miss Felfridge, and outside of that, a lot of calls.

Right, I've phoned Miss Bagnold. I've told her we need some change for the

Now, when she comes down on the floor, she'll ask where you are.

I shall lower my eyes shiftily, like this.

Oh, yes, that's shifty.

And then I shall blurt out, he's in there, but don't go in.

And then she'll find us in a clinch, and she'll go right up you.

I'm sure she will.

I'll make it as realistic as I can.

And I'll attempt to do the same.

Well, come on, let's have a quick practice.

Very well.

Now then, do you want it on the floor or shall we stand him up?

I'm not a sex maniac.

I just suffer from the odd infatuation.

I think standing up will be quite sufficient. Right, well, come on.

Let's have a quick one.

I don't think we should smudge your lipstick until we get the word from Mr.

Humphreys. Yes, but we must rehearse which way round we're going to do it.

What do you mean, which way round?

Well, I mean, do you want my left arm round your right shoulder, or vice

I mean, usually when I kiss people goodnight, I've got my handbag over my

arm, so I hang my umbrella on it, and then I put my right arm round their

like this.

How often do you kiss people goodnight?

Well, when someone gives one a lift home from the pub, they expect a bit of a

canoodle.

That seems a satisfactory position. Now, all we have to do now is wait.

Mmm, what's that aftershave?

It's just my usual.

Mmm, it's lovely.

You know, looking at you from this angle, Stephen, you're really a very

attractive man.

I can quite see what they all think. Can you?

Can you?

And I suppose, looking at me so close, you can see what some of them see in me

as well.

Yes.

Even over here, I can see it.

Now, don't put your face there, or the powder will come off. It'll make her

jealous.

Where's Captain Peacock? I've got good news for him. What is it?

I've just phoned the Count's department.

Apparently Miss Bagnall is not very satisfactory. They're giving her three

months' notice.

I don't think you'll survive three months.

I've put the money in the till.

By the way, where's Captain Peacock? I want word with him.

He's no business of yours, Miss Bagnall. Kindly get back to your own department.

I shall be back at going home time.

By the way, where is Captain Peacock? He's in there, but don't go in.

That's it, that's it. Come on.

Captain Peacock, have you gone mad?

Where's Miss Bagnold?

Isn't one at a time enough?

Unless you can change your ways, you're finished at grace, brothers.

What are you bringing those over here for?

Let's try and sell that customer some of these glasses.

Oh, yes, sir, commission.

trying to tell me something. As a matter of fact, I was trying to interest you

in these glasses. They're on special offer.

Really? Well, they're a little bit ordinary.

Now, I prefer something big and dramatic. Something bold that makes a

Oh, so do I.

Like these.

Oh, now they do make a statement.

You can have them for a fiver.

Done.

By the way, get rid of him.

It's very bad for your image.

He's... He's right, you know. Take him off.

You know, he hasn't said a word since lunch.

You can see his mind turning over.

He keeps muttering to himself, shall I or shan't I?

Yeah, I heard him on the phone outside the canteen, you know, talking to his

wife. It seems she's trying to get him to go back.

Anyway, she's coming in about five to see if it's on or off. Well, he'll have

make up his mind one way or another before then. But if she won't give him a

divorce, I won't.

May I use your mirror?

Here you are.

Could I try the one with the bow?

That's the way I like it.

I'll take it.

Bag, Miss Brahms.

And I'd like to look at some tights as well.

Size? Large.

Large tights, Miss Brahms.

Colour? Something dark, without seams.

I've just had a terrible thought.

What? Well, you know you said there was no way Captain Peacock could get a

divorce unless he changed completely.

Hmm? I think he's found a way, hasn't he?

Why?

Well, it's been done before. Why?

You know, he's had all these terrible problems with women. I mean, it's not

being a man. I should know.

You don't think he's thinking of changing, do you?

Well, he's already tried two acts and now he's into the underwear.

He's come unhinged.

It's always the strong ones.

There's one thing I can do before it's too late.

What's that?

Chalk him out of it.

Well, I'll take the hat and the underwear.

Now, do you have a smart skirt?

Something short.

How short?

Well, about... No,

not today.

They're not fashionable any more, you know. Ladies for cocktail parties are

wearing trousers and a smart white shirt and a little tie.

Oh, I think a short skirt is more fun.

And it'll go with this blouse.

I don't know.

A bit see -through, isn't it?

Well, perhaps a black one, like that one over there.

Are ladies wearing collars this high?

Ladies are, yes, but I don't think anybody else is.

I'll put them both in my bag, will you, and put it all on my staff account.

Oh, those suspender belts look rather fun.

Yes, I'll take stockings instead of tights.

Which one do you want? The white frilly one or the pink frilly one?

The black frilly one.

They're rather common.

But fun.

Do not argue with the customer, Miss Brown. Just put them in a bag.

Yes, Mrs. Floco.

Thank you.

Would you look after the floor, Mr. Humphries? Yes, Captain Peacock.

Wonder what he wants with that lot?

Well, don't you know? He's found the only way he can get a divorce.

Mark my words, that lot's on its way for a wild weekend in Brighton with

someone. With that lot, you could have a wild weekend by yourself.

wonder, and then I thought, no, not Captain Peacock. Well, not with that

moustache. Well, his wife won't want him in the house dressed like that.

She'll be sure to give him a divorce.

Yes, but to go to those lengths. Oh, no, I don't believe it.

Unless they're for Miss Bagnold. She's about that size.

Or Miss Belfridge.

I bet it's Miss Bagnold. He's decided to chuck it all in and make A while he

can. Well, anyway, his wife's coming in about five. It's nearly that now.

Mind you, there's going to be fireworks.

Oh, well, stand by for Blastini as Miss Bagnall for the showdown.

You know, it's the busiest Tuesday I've known.

Where's Stephen?

Oh, he's in the fitting room. I'll get him for you.

Captain Peacock, are you free?

I'm free.

isn't you?

I'm afraid it is, Miss Bagnall.

I never want to see you again.

Thank heavens for that.

So that's why you did it?

Not entirely, no.

Oh, it's Mrs. Peacock.

Oh, there you are.

Darling, I've made up my mind.

I'm very glad to hear it. And may I say, you look wonderful.

Thank you, my dear.

And so do you.

Have I missed something?

I gave him one last chance.

We had tickets for a fancy dress ball in Chelsea.

And if he decided to go with me, it meant that he would stay with me

Have you got any more tickets?

Two, actually.

There's a little number I've been dying to try.

with me dicky and studs.

Thank goodness we're all back to normal. Come on.